Sherri Taylor
12-28-2006, 10:36 AM
I’m posting this on its own thread because I really want some input and don’t want it to just get skipped over as an old thread. Marie354 originally posted this link: http://www.doctorbushong.com/pubs/what_is_gender.asp I thought it was a good read. Sorry if I should have just posted my comment to that thread instead of starting a new one. I’m still learning the do’s and don’ts of this forum. So go easy one me. LOL.
I read this and found it quite interesting. One part really stuck in my head:
“Because a child's greatest desire is to be normal (like everybody else), the great majority of transgendered individuals create an artificial self which meets this goal. They are often so successful at this that they not only fool everyone else but themselves as well — at least part of the time, in some way.”
I’ll tell you why this stuck in my head. Looking back over the past few years of my life, when I’m comfortable with things and in a relationship with someone that is fine with my CDing, I like to dress and shave my body hair and really express my feminine side. When things are not going so good, (break ups, stress or if I’m not sure of myself) I revert to my “normal male” personality. I grow my facial hair out, let my leg and chest hair grow out and put all my clothes in the closet.
Well, after doing a lot of self reflecting, reading, and talking to people, over the past few months, the above quote really hit me. All I’m trying to do is hide my true self. I’m coming to grips with that. While visiting with my blood sister over Christmas, we had a chance to talk one on one like we haven’t in many, many years. She has known about my CDing most of her life. She knew about it and grew up with it (me steeling her stuff all the time), but in our family, it was something that was never talked about. My mom would find my stash and give my sister back her clothes. Anyway, she helped me realize I am who I am and that is never going to change. That she loves me no matter what. She doesn’t understand it completely but that doesn’t matter. I have had talks with both my mom and dad about this and they feel the same way.
But all of this has put me at a crossroads in my life. In the town I live in, I have to stay “in the closet”. I have too many people in my life that would not accept this at all. But I also have friends that do. What this does is puts me in a position where I have to live as 2 different people instead of just me. So, the crossroads I’m at now is: Do I continue to live as 2 different people, or do I take a huge leap and move to a different part of the country, start a new life, and make new friends from scratch with all of them knowing who I am from the start? I do like being male. I like doing all the things males do. But I also like dressing like a female and doing the things that females do. Shopping, doing my nails, makeup, etc. (I don’t have hair on my head because of Alopecia. I have hair everywhere except the top of my head. So I can’t do the things with hair like others.) So in a way, I am 2 different people. I feel like I want to let everyone know who I am and my true friends with stick with me, and the ones that aren’t, will just go away. But I do so many things in a large environment where everyone knows me; I fear it may become too uncomfortable to continue to do those things I enjoy. I do have quite a few ties here. Job, house, friends, pets, etc. so to just up and move would not be an easy thing to do. But I am considering it.
Arrrgggg! Damn, life is hard! But I do the best I can. With all the great people here, it does make it a little easier.
Sherri
I read this and found it quite interesting. One part really stuck in my head:
“Because a child's greatest desire is to be normal (like everybody else), the great majority of transgendered individuals create an artificial self which meets this goal. They are often so successful at this that they not only fool everyone else but themselves as well — at least part of the time, in some way.”
I’ll tell you why this stuck in my head. Looking back over the past few years of my life, when I’m comfortable with things and in a relationship with someone that is fine with my CDing, I like to dress and shave my body hair and really express my feminine side. When things are not going so good, (break ups, stress or if I’m not sure of myself) I revert to my “normal male” personality. I grow my facial hair out, let my leg and chest hair grow out and put all my clothes in the closet.
Well, after doing a lot of self reflecting, reading, and talking to people, over the past few months, the above quote really hit me. All I’m trying to do is hide my true self. I’m coming to grips with that. While visiting with my blood sister over Christmas, we had a chance to talk one on one like we haven’t in many, many years. She has known about my CDing most of her life. She knew about it and grew up with it (me steeling her stuff all the time), but in our family, it was something that was never talked about. My mom would find my stash and give my sister back her clothes. Anyway, she helped me realize I am who I am and that is never going to change. That she loves me no matter what. She doesn’t understand it completely but that doesn’t matter. I have had talks with both my mom and dad about this and they feel the same way.
But all of this has put me at a crossroads in my life. In the town I live in, I have to stay “in the closet”. I have too many people in my life that would not accept this at all. But I also have friends that do. What this does is puts me in a position where I have to live as 2 different people instead of just me. So, the crossroads I’m at now is: Do I continue to live as 2 different people, or do I take a huge leap and move to a different part of the country, start a new life, and make new friends from scratch with all of them knowing who I am from the start? I do like being male. I like doing all the things males do. But I also like dressing like a female and doing the things that females do. Shopping, doing my nails, makeup, etc. (I don’t have hair on my head because of Alopecia. I have hair everywhere except the top of my head. So I can’t do the things with hair like others.) So in a way, I am 2 different people. I feel like I want to let everyone know who I am and my true friends with stick with me, and the ones that aren’t, will just go away. But I do so many things in a large environment where everyone knows me; I fear it may become too uncomfortable to continue to do those things I enjoy. I do have quite a few ties here. Job, house, friends, pets, etc. so to just up and move would not be an easy thing to do. But I am considering it.
Arrrgggg! Damn, life is hard! But I do the best I can. With all the great people here, it does make it a little easier.
Sherri