Book Review - She's Not There

[JennMW]

I picked up a copy of "She's Not There, A life in two genders" by Jennifer Boylan http://www.colby.edu/personal/j/jfboylan/not_there.htm while I was visiting San Francisco a couple of weeks ago.

It is an autobiography focusing on the transition of Jim to Jenny. I found it that it touched me quite deeply. She brings up several issues that I had not considered yet.

It gave me a lot to think about as I travel this road myself.

She tries to describe how it affected her closest friends and her spouse.

I highly recommend it for anyone that thinks that they are or might be a candidate for transition.

I DON'T recommend it for your SO unless they have already made a commitment to you and want someone to share it with. It can be painful for you and your SO when reading about their relationship.

While it describes a MTF transition, it would seem that it would apply to a FTM equally because of the way that she describes the relationship issues.

I would appreciate discussing the things I learned from my reading with others that have read the book.

I share this only for the benefit of my brothers and sisters here and have nothing to gain personally by recommending this book.

[Calliope]

I consider it very well written, easy reading - and well it should be, Boylan is a professional writer. Also, it's a significant TS memoir because it's light in tone, not a tear-jerking hard knocks tale. (Thus, a good gift for the uninitiated.)

On the other hand, this is a 'fairy tale' in that Boylan went into SRS with a lot of assests (respectable career, loving spouse, great pals, loads of money), all of which were retained after. Yeh, you do detect some jealousy on my part.

[JennMW]

On the other hand, this is a 'fairy tale' in that Boylan went into SRS with a lot of assests (respectable career, loving spouse, great pals, loads of money), all of which were retained after. Yeh, you do detect some jealousy on my part.

You bring up a valid point. She does have all of that going for her. As I alluded to in my initial post, it was how she described her relationship with Grace thought brought me to tears. It wasn't until the afterword that Richard wrote that really showed the depth of the love they shared.

There is another thread here about going back to your teens and taking that left turn...

My daughter is 19 and in college now. I would do anything for her and have no regrets there.

I love my spouse and know that she loves me, but she will likely never be accepting of this side of me. She knows but is currently having a very difficult time.

I intellectually know that this book is not a blueprint of how to do a gender shift. But the feelings and thoughts it stirred are huge!

[Stlalice]

I agree with you that Boylans book is well writen and useful as a way to help others understand what we go through in transition. But we also need to remember that her experience is and was in a minority where transition is concerned. Only about 10 to 15% of people who transition have an S/O or spouse who will stay with them post transition. The vast majority of us lose at least someone or something. It ain't for nothing that most therapists tell you that you need to be ready to lose everything - your wife/husband, your family, home, job, friends, etc. Thus I understand DT's comment about being envious as well. Transition can be a rewarding experience - but one that carries a potentially high price tag both for the trans person and those around them. :2c:

[Sally24]

Loved that book Jennifer! I picked it up almost randomly at a book sale this past Spring and scared the pants right off myself (ok, it might have been a skirt).

It actually got me to go to a gender counselor, something that hadn't even occured to me. To my great relief, she confirmed my own self diagnosis that I was somewhere mid-way on the gender scale and would not be happy with an all or nothing gender shift. My wife said I was really happy for that next week after I learned that I got to keep my penis!

I went to a gender conference this fall to see Jenny Boylan and it was well worth it. She is no Robin Williams, but she is as funny and fast paced a person as any I have ever talked to. I feel fortunate that she just happened to also be transgendered. Her wit, humor, and writing skills should be a great help to the younger people amonst us. They should realize that dealing with your gender issues earlier in life is essential to success. Most poeple who deal as jenny did do not have nearly the success. I feel the love that she gave and received from her family and friends was strong enough to overcome the odds. Most of us are not that lucky. I came out to my wife 30 years ago and it was the hardest choice and the best decision of my life! However, she is the only one of my non-transgendered friends that knows. That can be difficult.

I reccomend this book as a starter for anyone who is unsure of where to go and how to start. It won't answer all your questions, just make you better able to come up with your own questions. Finding your answers will take more time and effort.

Sally

[jennifer easton]

I'm reading it now, my counselor gave it to me last year, just thought about it two weeks ago I'm into it where she has come out to every one on campus and all the e mails that where sent, I wish I had started it sooner I have found it to be one I can't put down, but alass such a good book! so little time!!I'll finnish it this week some time xoxoxoJennifer

[Joni Beauman]

Oddly enough, it was my wife who brought it home from library at least two years ago. I guess it should have surprised her how fast I latched on to it and consumed it. Coincidentally, I just played the old Vanilla Fudge album for her cause she wanted to hear "You Keep Me Hanging On" and that was the only version I had in the collection (think Supremes on acid). I noticed "She's Not There" as another cover they did and recalled Jennifer reminding readers that Rod Argent had written the song - that's one reason for that song as the book title - Jennifer plays keyboards on the side and covered that tune, too.

I actually liked Helen Boyd's book My Husband Betty a lot too. Its sort of awkward - I think Helen competes with Jennifer for attention on the Transgender stage. Obviously, the threat of transitioning can be scary for a SO. Joni

[Scotty]

I'll get a copy of it and do a reply after I read it.

Sounds very intriguing.

[JennMW]

Just got home from a party (I was the designated driver) and saw your replies. Just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate them. I do have more questions for discussion, but need to get some much needed sleep.

Good night ladies, Happy 2007!

[Sarahgurl371]

I did enjoy this book very much and couldn't put it down either. I was rather struck by the love that is in her life. This more so than the gender issues. I was a little disappointed in the fact that she didn't desribe alot of what she was feeling inside, just kinda scratched the surface. But it was a very good read and I would recommend it to anyone with an interest in this all.

[JennMW]

Sally - I found that it scared me also. This book convinced me that I should seek a counselor. I find that I am scared more of the diagnosis than anything else. I know that I want one answer and am afraid I won't get the one I desire.

Tammy - I think I probably read between the lines and put my own feelings in place of Jennys. As Sally suggested, it caused me to answer some tough questions for myself that I have been procrastinating about.

Joni - Competes for attention :heehee: I had not thought of that. I am in favor of ANY positive information that helps make one think! I read Helen's book also, it did not evoke an emotional response for me like this one did.

Alice - The price is high for many either way - Is it worth it to take the tougher road? That is a question I can only answer for myself, and I still don't know the answer!

[Marcie Sexton]

I picked up a copy of the book and read a few chapters...although eye opening, I really made a decision not to finish it...:2c:

For those of you who want to see the Cd side of it, try MY Husband Betty to start with...:2c: