When you told your wife (looking for insight)

[Glamourgirl GG]

For the non-GG's who are married:

Did you tell your wife prior to getting married about your CD'ing or after? If after, how long after? If you did, what prompted you to tell her?

If you haven't told her, why?

I guess I am just looking for insight into why guys wait to tell their wives and what finally gives them the push to do so.

My husband didn't tell me until we were together 7.5 years. As I told him the other night, I never suspected he was CD'ing, although I did come home to him dressed up 2 weeks before we were to get married and since that day I never trusted him and thought he was possibly gay. I was always paranoid (thinking he was cheating on me) and often blamed myself for his lack of interest in me.

When he finally told me, I tried to be accepting for maybe a few weeks, but then he got a little too self obsessed and what I thought and felt got put on the backburner again. I tried to join online support groups, but unfortunately the attitude of the women were for me to get over myself because he would never change and that if I didn't like it, I needed to divorce him. So that's when I just shut down and flipped out on him. I really felt betrayed that he brought me into this and had been lying all this time. I was mad that he didn't tell me before we were married because I know I would've never married him. Which, obviously, is the most likely reason he never told me.

Anyway, that was 3 years ago that he told me and it was only until 2 weeks before this Christmas that I decided to try for him again. Really, it was my boss he can thank because my boss is gay and told me his story about having to hide his true self and being in denial. It made my heartbreak and that's when I realized that I was doing the same thing to my husband in regards to his CD'ing. So I love my husband and want him to be who he is....although I am quite terrified after reading some of his posts/replies here.

Enough rambling...just looking for your thoughts so I can understand all of this better.

[BeckyAnderson]

Hi Glamourgirl,

I never told my wife about my CD'ing until she discovered it 34 years after we were married. My story is far too long to tell here but if you would like to know what was behind my decision not to tell and then trying to find the courage to tell please visit my web site and read Becky's Diary. I have to warn you that it is rather lengthy but it will give you an idea of what I have gone through during my lifetime of crossdressing. From talking with many other CD'ers there stories are not too different than mine.

Hugs,
Becky

[samantha#1]

HI There, Not sure if these thoughts fit your question but anyway.

I started wearing female clothes when I was about 11 or 12. I was a latch key kid and basically had the run of the house for about 2 to 3 hours every week day afternoon. A part of my daily chores was to bring in and fold the washing each day. On one day and without any real thought at the time I had an urge, a feeling, a something that I can not explain, to try on my sisters underwear and a dress. All of a sudden I was dressed in her clothes and then rummaging through her wardrobe for a pair of shoes.

I had to cope with the classic parent concern about their son’s sometimes strange behaviour; they did not know about me dressing up all the time but more so my actions and words – “must have thought I was a bit weird/queer”, well what else would you do? Leave half a dozen porn magazines on his bed and say nothing. I just did not understand that move at all. Yep came home from a friend's house and there they were; I thought shit, where did they come from. When I looked I realised they were dads; I knew because my friend and I use to look at them after school; I found his stash one day when I was vacuuming. Pretty strange in any case but that was the some total of the sex advice I received from my parents. The rest has been trial and error, MMMMMMMM; lots of error!!!!!!

Before meeting my 2nd wife my life was pretty shit, divorce from my 1st wife etc. I had pretty much gone back to full time dressing at home and when I went out at night and only wore male clothing to work. I was confused about me and after pondering all of my options I had pretty much decided to move to Sydney to take on a full time conversion to Samantha.

It was about two weeks before I was heading off that I met my wife and as they say in the classics; hasn’t a lot transpired since then. My wife was not aware of my dressing until about the 3rd year of our marriage.

I was pretty nervous the night I came out to my wife. But in all honesty I was sick and tired of going behind her back; hell I couldn’t keep my hands off her wardrobe when she was not at home and over time the desire was growing stronger. I all expected to be kicked out that night but how me wife reacted made me firmly believe that I had made the right decision to show her and be honest about who I really was. That was the 1st year my wife brought me femme underewear as a gift and that was sooooo special.

How did I come out, all dolled up and dinner 1/2 an hour off being served I met Susan at the front door when she came home from work. She looked at me for about 30 seconds and said nothing; I was mortified that I had just ruined a great relationship; but Susan then said "so do you have a name"? what a relief!! We had a great evening.

I know it’s freaky having a guy around that wants to dress as a girl, I can not explain it myself either, I have always felt yuck dressed as a man except when I get really dolled up. I know in reality I can not dress as a girl all the time and at times that shits me off because when I do dress I simply can not present myself as I would like to because of all that is involved.

I dress because it feels right to me; again, I do not know why that is the case, perhaps ****ed in the head? Dressing for me today is not so much a sexual thing, as in me getting sexually aroused when I dress up, and it hasn’t been like that for a long long time but more so I see it as me being able to express the person within, in my eyes the person I would rather be all the time.
Hugs to you
Samantha

[lowlavalentine]

I was mad that he didn't tell me before we were married because I know I would've never married him. Which, obviously, is the most likely reason he never told me.



Bingo! That was certainly my fear when I was dating my wife to be. She actually mentioned to me at one point that a previous boyfriend had liked to dress in her nightgowns and that she disliked him for that. I was crazy about her and feared losing her if I told her the truth about my crossdressing. In retrospect I should have leveled with her at the time. She found out by accident some 17 years later when she discovered a photo of me on my computer. I was surprised she didn't leave me as it brought up some serious trust issues (If you've been hiding that what else are you hiding?). Since then she has tried to understand with some success, and we have agreed on certain levels of activity. I think she still resents time I spend on cd activities. She doesn't participate but does give me the opportunity to dress periodically as long as I do it discreetly and away from our home town. Not ideal from my perspective but a reasonable compromise.

[occdresser]

I never told my wife until 15 years after we met. She was not fond of it by any means. She asked me if I was gay right off the bat. I told her no. crossdressing is not! about being gay or not it is about being comfortable with yourself. Please try to understand. I have been wearing or trying on womens clothing since I was about 12 years old and it is something that I could never change about myself. :straightface: I was afraid what my wife would say, my friends, my family. She found out accidently. She found my girly cloyhs stash and asked me If I had a girlfriend and I had to explain this to her.

[Holly]

Wow glamourgirl, that's quite an interesting question you asked. Let me try to answer it...

First a bit about me. My wife and I just celebrated our 38th anniversary last Thursday and we've known each other almost 39 years. I didn't tell my wife until just a few years ago. There are a few reasons and I'm not at all pretending that any of them are good reasons.

First of all, when we first started dating I was in one of my denial stages. I had not yet accepted myself that I was a cross dresser. That wouldn't happen for many, many years. I still believed that if I was involved with a girl that could satisfy me physically and emotionally that I wouldn't be drawn toward wearing women's clothing. I was wrong... not about my wife; she was and is extremal satisfying on every level imaginable. But the draw to the clothing is incredibly strong, like it is driven from within.

As you have already alluded to, I was terrified that I would lose her. That would have been devastating to me. I was also full of shame and did not want to disappoint her or appear less "manly" in her eyes. There was not Internet in those days and I was totally and completely isolated in my desire to cross dress and feel mored feminine. I couldn't talk to my guy friends because that would make me a sissy in their eyes (although if statistics are accurate, more than a few of them were nursing the same feelings as I was).

I was able to confide in my wife about my being a cross dresser when I was able to find peace within myself. That came when I discovered that I was not alone in how I felt, that there were others like me. I was put into a position of having to trust my wife and our love for one another totally and completely. I sat her down one afternoon and laid it all out... how I had started with my mom's stuff, acquired some of my own things as a teenager, built a small, modest wardrobe in college, and sneaking in times of dressing during our married life as time would permit. She, as I'm sure you did, had questions... are you gay, am I not woman enough for you, etc. I answered her as honestly as I could. I say that as I don't have all the answers yet even at this late stage of my life. My wife is an amazing woman. She has not only stood by me, she has encouraged me to explore. She helps me to try and understand feminine nature and perception. She helps with the more mundane aspects like deportment, walking, sitting, hand movement, and the like.

Given the 20/20 nature of hindsight I would have done things differently as far as my wife is concerned. I would have trusted her with this "secret" much earlier in our relationship and not waited so long.

Now as for your husband being self obsessed when he first confessed to you, I hope that you cab understand that he has had this bottled up inside him for so long and anyone showing the least bit of acceptance would be in for a lot of release of all those pent up feelings. Again, I'm not saying that it is right, just that it may be beneficial for you to understand the why of it all.

I hope you find some of this helpful. If you have anything specific to ask, I'll do my best to respond,

[Kelsy]

Hi Glamourgirl,

I never told my first wife nor my second wife of 25 years. I was well into the second year of my relationship with my gf that I finally came out. I know that if I were to open a relationship with total honesty about my CDing, most women would hightail it out of there giving no chance of any relationship.
But once into a relationship It was being able to trust someone with the truth about myself that brought me out. fear of rejection, and humiliation kept my secret in the closet. the same fears keep the secret away from other significant people in my life. The need to dress and be in touch with my feminine side is very deep seated, in my early years age 10. It started long before sex and girlfriends, marriages etc. and is truly hard to explain but it is who I am, not a freak, not a perv. Just me as I have always known myself.

Jennifer:hugs:

[Amy Hepker]

I told my first wife after we were married for about 6 months. I was afraid I would lose her if she knew I liked to dress as a girl. I am in noway Gay and would never have that kind on relationship with a guy. Most CDers are not gay! I told my second wife before we got married, and she even helped. Years later she divorsed me because of it. Although she was deep into Crystal Meth.

[sissystephanie]

Glamourgirl,

If you have read some of my previous posts, or my profile, you know I am a widower. Yes, I told my fiance before we were married, because I believe very strongly in honest communication between husband and wife. If she did not accept my CD activites, maybe we would not have married. As it turned out, she did accept them fully. We wore matching White Silk Lingerie when we were married and on our wedding night. That was her idea!:love: We had been married 49 1/2 years when she died of cancer in Feb. 2005. We never did tell our 2 children, and I never dressed around them. At least not openly, although I wore panties almost all the time.

I have stressed many times that HONEST COMMUNICATION is the main key to a long and successful relationship, and I like to think that my marriage proved it. She knew I would never do anything to embarrass her, and she would never do anything to humiliate me. We just had a lot of fun together over the years. Usually as a very feminine man and his wife, but sometimes (after the kids grew up!) as 2 girls out together!:love: :love: I miss her very, very much!!:sad:

Sissy

More Girl than man

[Sweet Jane]

Hi

I've been married 22 years....my wife does not know the full extent of my crossdressing. She does know that I have worn panties and bras but does not know that sometimes I look like this.

I'm not going to outline my life story again, but if you want you can PM me, and maybe I can help you with why I find it's so difficult to come clean to my best friend and wife, and maybe along the way allay some of your fears about trust or lack of.....

[marie354]

Well I told my first wife before we were married and she seemed Ok with it. she even bought me bras, panties, enhancement pads and some clothing before we got married to see how I looked. Well we ended up divorced after 7 years (the itch I guess, I caught her with someone out on the town). She insisted that she wasn't with anybody, but I saw them kissing. Anyway she blamed it on my dressing.
I didn't tell my 2nd wife until about a year after we were married. She used to dress me up all the time, but she left because she didn't like it anymore. Strike two!
I never married again, but I have found a wonderful woman, Regina. I told her the first week we were dating and dressed for her. She was OK with it but didn't want to see it so I kept it hid. I didn't have to hide my wardrobe though, that was good. Then about three months ago we talked about it some more and we agreed that I could dress around the house once in a while, but not every day.
I then found this site and we talked some more about how I was feeling and her feelings and we reached the decision that I could dress any time I wanted. All day/every day if I wanted. Some days it's just not possible. I wasn't quite ready to come out to anybody yet.
Now after being here nearly a month now, with all of the support of all the wonderful insited people here, I'm about ready to make my first outing.

Well I guess the bottm line is communication and patience. Take things slowly and feel them out so to speak. If you're not comfortable with something, tell him where your current level is. This must work both ways with both of you. There must be a clear understanding between each other or nothing will ever work out. A reasonable compromise, or contract between the two of you.

This is just how it's been with me and your situation may be very different, so you need to take all this with a grain of salt and make up your own mind on just where your level of comfort is. It doesn't mean that you'll stay at that level forever. It can always change in either direction as time goes on.

To put it in the words of Michael Rene'... 'The decision rests with you'
(From an olde B/W classic Sci-Fi movie 'The Day The Earth Stood Still')
:hugs:

[TxKimberly]

As it happens, I just covered this in a PM to a friend here, so I can save a little typing! <G>
Yes, my wife knows all about me. I told her about two weeks into our marriage (this was 20 years ago). We were married up in Tacoma Washington when I was stationed there in the Army. Shortly after we were married, I got shipped off to Germany and so we took a trip across the country to see our families before we went. We thought it sounded romantic and so we took this trip by train. All the way from the top of WA to the bottom of California where we visited my family, and then on to Louisiana where we visited hers. I don't know if you've ever been on a long trip on a train or not, but it's up close and personal for a long time! Long story short (I know, it's too late to make it short) about three days into the trip I couldn't stand not being honest with her. Here I'd promised her that I would share the rest of my life with her, and trust her with my heart and soul, but I was hiding something so significant from her. It is one of my clearest memories how I sat there literally shaking, with my teeth chattering, while I explained what I was. She looked at me and then came over and hugged me and said something along the lines of "it's OK, don't worry about it".
Since then, she has gone through phases where cross dressing was fun, it was just OK, and "knock it off, I don't want to hear about it".
Through it all, she IS my very best friend, and though I'm not very religious, I do thank God for her on a regular basis.
Now - WHY didn't I tell her first??!! To understand the reasons behind this, you have to understand what life is like for a man, and particularly as a cross dressing man. At least when I was younger, there were no support groups available, there was no Internet to tell me I was far from alone, and OMG. my life would simply end if anyone found out. I kid you not, I recall quite simply knowing that I would HAVE to commit suicide if anyone caught me. I am not trying to be a drama queen, and I am not exaggerating. When I was in my 20's, I fully intended to suicide if I were ever caught. So, you take this ultimate fear of being caught, of everyone knowing your a freak (don't flame me girls, this is the way I felt back then), and more or less the end of your life as you know it, and then ask "Why did you not tell your girl friend before you were married"? It's like a rock and a hard space. You have a woman that means the world to you, a woman you would jump in front of a moving train to save, but you know you should tell her something may destroy you in her eyes and send her screaming. You have to, you can't, you have to, you can't . . .
In my life, I've been shot at, I've been on a plane that filled with smoke, I've been in half a dozen car accidents, and NOTHING came close to the terror I felt when I told my wife.
Sorry, I looked up and see I've written a book here. But you asked . . .
Kim

[Calliope]

In many, many cases CDs figure a new relationship, especially a marriage, will 'cure' them of their need to dress. (Yup, there are exceptions.) And often the thrills of the new sexual and emotional life put a cap on the dressing.

It can peak out, though - I remember how much I loved to shave my sweetie's legs (very accomplished at it, I was) and got a real jolt from buying her pretty dresses; all that, of course, is totally transparent.

And often, once the ardor cools and each member of the couple get around to doing their own thing (even once in a while), well, there it is - that core. And, eventually, the core pushes through.

[Babette]

Glamourgirl,

Like so many others, my desire to dress started at a very young age. As a matter of fact, I actually don't recall my first experience but I do recall the ever present but repressed desire to act, and the occassional, "shall I try this on while nobody is around."

Now for the nitty-gritty. I had to "come out" fully to myself before I could take it to my wife. I was living in denial about this and really hoping it would go away. Was I afraid telling her? Absolutely!!!! I was affraid of losing my best friend for (at that time) over 20+ years. Just as important, I was afraid of rejection and humiliation.

Timing my talk with her was carefully chosen and it actually became a progression of events that is likened to taking baby steps before running. I certainly did not want to scare her away. She was a bit confussed at first but she began to read and learn about it. Now she says that she better understands my personality from the day we met and absolutely does not want me to change. I can honestly say we both have a lot of fun with it. But through all of this, we have an understanding that I will be her husband, her protector, her best friend, and her Babette.

Do I have regrets for not telling her sooner? Sure, but situations were much different 30 years ago and I'm not sure the level of understanding would have been the same.

I do hope that you can find a degree of happiness with your situation. Please let us know from time to time how you are doing.

Take care.

Babette

[TxKimberly]

I had meant to say this in my post GG. What you are doing here is precious to all of us, and certainly to your husband - you are TRYING. By your simply trying to understand and (I hope) accept us, you give us all a gift that we need. Thanks and hugs!
Kim




For the non-GG's who are married:

Did you tell your wife prior to getting married about your CD'ing or after? If after, how long after? If you did, what prompted you to tell her?

If you haven't told her, why?

I guess I am just looking for insight into why guys wait to tell their wives and what finally gives them the push to do so.

My husband didn't tell me until we were together 7.5 years. As I told him the other night, I never suspected he was CD'ing, although I did come home to him dressed up 2 weeks before we were to get married and since that day I never trusted him and thought he was possibly gay. I was always paranoid (thinking he was cheating on me) and often blamed myself for his lack of interest in me.

When he finally told me, I tried to be accepting for maybe a few weeks, but then he got a little too self obsessed and what I thought and felt got put on the backburner again. I tried to join online support groups, but unfortunately the attitude of the women were for me to get over myself because he would never change and that if I didn't like it, I needed to divorce him. So that's when I just shut down and flipped out on him. I really felt betrayed that he brought me into this and had been lying all this time. I was mad that he didn't tell me before we were married because I know I would've never married him. Which, obviously, is the most likely reason he never told me.

Anyway, that was 3 years ago that he told me and it was only until 2 weeks before this Christmas that I decided to try for him again. Really, it was my boss he can thank because my boss is gay and told me his story about having to hide his true self and being in denial. It made my heartbreak and that's when I realized that I was doing the same thing to my husband in regards to his CD'ing. So I love my husband and want him to be who he is....although I am quite terrified after reading some of his posts/replies here.

Enough rambling...just looking for your thoughts so I can understand all of this better.

[Diann]

As it happens, I just covered this in a PM to a friend here, so I can save a little typing! <G>
Yes, my wife knows all about me. I told her about two weeks into our marriage (this was 20 years ago). We were married up in Tacoma Washington when I was stationed there in the Army. Shortly after we were married, I got shipped off to Germany and so we took a trip across the country to see our families before we went. We thought it sounded romantic and so we took this trip by train. All the way from the top of WA to the bottom of California where we visited my family, and then on to Louisiana where we visited hers. I don't know if you've ever been on a long trip on a train or not, but it's up close and personal for a long time! Long story short (I know, it's too late to make it short) about three days into the trip I couldn't stand not being honest with her. Here I'd promised her that I would share the rest of my life with her, and trust her with my heart and soul, but I was hiding something so significant from her. It is one of my clearest memories how I sat there literally shaking, with my teeth chattering, while I explained what I was. She looked at me and then came over and hugged me and said something along the lines of "it's OK, don't worry about it".
Since then, she has gone through phases where cross dressing was fun, it was just OK, and "knock it off, I don't want to hear about it".
Through it all, she IS my very best friend, and though I'm not very religious, I do thank God for her on a regular basis.
Now - WHY didn't I tell her first??!! To understand the reasons behind this, you have to understand what life is like for a man, and particularly as a cross dressing man. At least when I was younger, there were no support groups available, there was no Internet to tell me I was far from alone, and OMG. my life would simply end if anyone found out. I kid you not, I recall quite simply knowing that I would HAVE to commit suicide if anyone caught me. I am not trying to be a drama queen, and I am not exaggerating. When I was in my 20's, I fully intended to suicide if I were ever caught. So, you take this ultimate fear of being caught, of everyone knowing your a freak (don't flame me girls, this is the way I felt back then), and more or less the end of your life as you know it, and then ask "Why did you not tell your girl friend before you were married"? It's like a rock and a hard space. You have a woman that means the world to you, a woman you would jump in front of a moving train to save, but you know you should tell her something may destroy you in her eyes and send her screaming. You have to, you can't, you have to, you can't . . .
In my life, I've been shot at, I've been on a plane that filled with smoke, I've been in half a dozen car accidents, and NOTHING came close to the terror I felt when I told my wife.
Sorry, I looked up and see I've written a book here. But you asked . . .
Kim

Tell us more But by the way I told both wives before I was married it did't matter they both resent me for it.

[Jenna1561]

Glamourgirl,

Others have covered many of the same reasons why I did not tell my wife until 20 1/2 years of marriage. I dressed most of my pre-teen and teen life at home in secret. I got out on my own for a few years and was able to dress as I wanted when I wanted; then I decided to go to college and living on campus curtailed my dressing, but it was their in my fantasies all the time.

I dated, for friendship, companionship and male validation. I met my future wife, we dated and got married. I hadn't dressed in a long time and like many others thought that marriage and available sex would cure me. It didn't.

After awhile I started trying her clothes and of course the fantasies of being a woman continued. We had four children and I kept my secret and was extremely cautious.

Then at about 42 the urges got stronger, the need to dress and present as a woman strengthened and continues to strengthen. I incorporated many pieces of feminine attire, jewelry and even makeup into my daily life. I finally had to tell her the truth. The hiding and deceit was becoming unbearable.

So, last July 4th, I told my wife. She doesn't like it, doesn't want to talk about it, would prefer to behave as though she didn't know. Life goes on. I feel better that I told her and try not to put it in her face. I wish I had confided in her many years ago.

That's my story in a nutshell.


Jenna

[Glamourgirl GG]

Thank you everyone for being so open and honest.

Him finally telling me that he was CD'ing does explain a lot of behavior over the years and sometimes I wish he would've just said, "I'm not cheating on you--I'm crossdressing!" lol. At least I wouldn't have been so angry all of the time thinking that I wasn't loved.

I think I have a lot of fears about it all, but still like I said, I am here because I want to understand. It's also very weird for me to share the same message board as my own husband because I am so used to keeping my thoughts and feelings to myself. At least prior to the last few weeks, our communication skills were weak at best. So even for me to undo 10 years of just keeping my true feelings in is kind of weird...but in a very good way because communication with him is all I have ever wanted.

I have to say that the one thing I have gotten out of the last few weeks is something I have always wanted in my relationship with my husband, besides communication, but that he is really becoming my best friend. I had never felt that way prior to a few weeks ago, but even though I am really scared I seem to love him even more. I like this new side of him...not the dressing exactly, but that he let's the walls down and emotionally connects with me. I feel more confident that I can tell him things and I feel slightly more confident that he will be truthful with me and help me overcome my fears of some things. I'm just nervous that he won't be able to stick to the "ground rules" of sorts I have asked for and take things slowly with me. I'm also nervous that when he is not dressing, that the communication will also wane and it will almost push me to beg him to dress just so that I can have my best friend back. Maybe I am being silly, but I guess I am not sure what to expect.

[AmandaM]

I told my wife after three months of dating. She said, "So?". :)
I was completely prepared to walk away if she didn't like it. Tired of hiding it I suppose.

[noname]

For the non-GG's who are married:

Did you tell your wife prior to getting married about your CD'ing or after? If after, how long after? If you did, what prompted you to tell her?

My wife fortunately, found out when I did. I didn't know myself until after I was married. I was open an upfront about my feeling long before I ever bought / wore anything. It's worked out pretty well for me, and I think she understands as much as she can.

As for him lying to you. It's more self defence, after all you might leave him. Perhaps he married you hoping it would all go away?

[Kimberley]

Hi Glamourgirl and WELCOME!!!!

This is really a multipart question with double edged answers, just as your own perceptions would appear to have deceived your feelings. So, before I go on, I want to say that you are to be commended for first of all, reaching out to him and secondly, for coming here to get educated. Both are critical to your marriage.

I told my wife after about 15 years of marriage. It was not taken well, then or now, so to keep a long story short, I am closeted. I identify as TS but will not transition. What really makes this difficult for me is the fact that she is a licensed and practicing counselor.

Why did I not disclose earlier? The answer then is the same as now. Love. Perhaps more succinctly, the loss of love. We live with all the negatives of being TG but they can be summed up in 3 words; Guilt, Shame and Fear. They are self serving and cyclical. They are also destructive. Breaking the cycle requires that we “come out”. It is a huge leap of faith. If it is accepted we can heal and become who we truly are, that being the sensitive person we always have been, only hidden behind masks and walls of protection. These same walls also retain the guilt shame and fear. It is a hell of a way to exist. I say exist because it is not living.

Coming out is also traumatic for both parties for opposite reasons. For the CD it is freeing so we tend to overdo it in a big way. Usually with a bit of negotiation this can be avoided though. For the SO it is tremendous uncertainty about her own sexuality, appeal, and a host of other factors that all lead up to a lot of unanswered questions and insecurities. Of course the big one is the deception. We are damned good liars. We learned to be out of self preservation. Don’t hold it against us but once out of the closet, the deepest secrets are revealed and you will discover your partner anew. Consider the loyalty and support you will get by supporting your CD. The sky is likely the limit. This applies at all levels both material and spiritual.

This existence lends itself very well to a host of other problems both physical and mental, the worst of them being suicide, and the most common, depression. Sound familiar? Depression in and of itself can lead to a host of other symptoms including a lack of libido. I would suggest you get educated on this one quickly. http://www.nimh.nih.gov/ It will likely answer more than a few questions.

The incidence of gays within the TG population is the same as the population at large. Your husband is in all likelihood 100% heterosexual. I use the term transgendered here in its broadest sense because we are all transgendered, just to greater or lesser degrees. The other and just as important thing to remember is this. We are fiercely loyal, way beyond what most men in most marriages would tolerate.

The transsexual is not the norm within the transgendered population. We are a very small minority. Not all transsexuals go to full transition. Again only a small number of the TS community go this far. All of us want to, but most choose not to for any number of reasons; all of them valid.

Although it is a point of debate, I do not ascribe to the line of thought that one becomes TS. The TS knows they are without being told because it is all about feelings. The “awakening” if you will, can happen anytime and is horrendous for most of us. Sometimes the individual may not know they are TS until this occurs. Again, we are a very small group of a much larger population.

Being transgendered is not a choice. We have no control over this in any way shape or form. It cannot and will not go away; ever. By coming here, you have made a commitment to learn and to adjust your life and marriage to accommodate his. Even so, this has to be negotiated to limits that are acceptable to everyone. They must be adhered to.

I am going to leave it here. I urge you to talk to your partner, cry together and more importantly, laugh together. This can be a very rewarding experience for both of you if you have the right approach; one that is open and healthy.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[Country girl]

Glamour Girl GG, if you didn't already know, we have a forum for GG's only. Once you have 10 posts, and you are close, you can join that forum. The gurls on this side have no access to it, so it is all just for us. You will find the GG's wondefully supportive and very available to help in anyway they can. Good luck and hurryup and get involved with the GG forum.:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: CG gg

[steffany]

I told my wife before we were married....and thats almost 20 years ago.
I told her because I've always had the greatest respect for her and I felt she deserved to know. Was I worried.....of course I was - I had no idea how she would react. Being the loving and caring person she is, she took it in her stride and assured me she loved me anyway - regardless of what I like to wear.
Telling her was one of the best things I did. I didn't break any trust, I haven't lied or had to sneak around behind her back. We've had a wonderful marriage thus far, and I look forward to at least another 30 years....hopefully more.
Advice on this subject is very hard to give and I wouldn't like to advise anyone on whether or not to tell their SO.....all I can say from experience is that I'm glad I revealed my secret before we were married. The fact that it worked out well for me though certainly doesn't mean it will work out for everyone, and some of the stories in this thread have certainly been testimony to that.

[Stephenie S]

I told my spouse before we were married. She promptly "forgot" about it. She said later that she thought it would all go away. Of course, it didn't go away at all. She has been pretty accepting about it. I have to giver her a lot of credit for that.

Lovies,
Steph

[Wendy me]

Glamourgirl well lets try this .... OK i never told my wife before we were married .... why? good question fear?? passable but i think more so that i relay was not sure of who or what i was ... and i did OK at times repressing this cding thing but it would always pop out and get stronger each time... i think i never told her in the beginning because i relay did not want to admit that i was "ONE OF THEM" lol but as things progressed and i learned more i accept more of who or what i am .... and i think she kinda thought that something was off a bit...like 15 years in a row being some girl at Halloween ...

now i do everything excise and i know my wife is afraid of this too ... that this coding thing could get out of control and we have talked abought it some .., i am sure she is thinking that in her mind .... that in it self could be scarring her .....

any way i came out and told her what she already knew and she kinda freaked some but not that bad .... trying to work on it but we are coming along slow....

hey give your self a ton of credit for what your trying to do and understand that in it self is huge ... hang in there it all takes time........

[melissaK]

My current wife and I started our relationship when I was 38. She is my thirds wife. By that age I knew better than to not tell her right away.

My first wife never knew and still doesn't. I told my second wife in the final stages of our marriage when I really had nothing to lose. We divorced and she came out of her own closet and is in a great lesbian relationship for the last dozen years of her life. Current wife and I both struggle with acceptance issues despite the up front warning.

[SandyR]

I have been dressing to some extent since I was 12, so about 30 years. When I married my wife over 22 years ago I just stopped for many years, but it never ever, went away completly, even with hours of professional help and a couple years ago I started dressing agian, no doubt it made me feel complete agian, but it also gave me some guilt.

So this past September I decided it was time tell let her know. Then came the surprise! Before I could talk to her about it she just came out one night in bed and said "so how long have you been cross dressing". Gulp! To make a long story short we have been taking it slow, both of us have been off this past week and we had some wonderful times, including talk about me dressing. She has seen a few pics of me and we are working toward me dressing for her.

Sandy

[Noel Chimes]

It was after we were married that it all came out. The only shoes in the house that fit me (hiding my stuff by using hers)were her clogs. She decides to wear them. "Have you been wearing my shoes"? Ok, what else have you been wearing? My one question was, "can I show you"? Ok. 10 minutes later, "uuummmm. You're cute." Let's just say the roles flipped and, OH "H" "E" DOUBLE HOCKEY STICKS!!!!!!
We divorced after 5 years (my fault) BACK TOGETHER AFTER 20 YEARS APART!!! Just past 7 years and it just gets better. Went out daytime driving TOGETHER. Will post pic from park when film is developed.
Am I double lucky? YES YES YES!!! Awoman that open and understanding is a rare find. But to find her twice, and it be the same person,,,,,,1,000,000,000 to 1.

[Debra Lynn]

I did tell my wife while we were engaged, she didn't take it seriously at the time, so when it finally became evident that I was CDing, she was not happy about it at all. Still, 15 years later we remain married, I still dress, and she is still not happy about it. But we communicate, we occasionally argue and we make sure to tell each other that we love them and honor and respect them. The fact that I'm CDing does not diminsh my love for this woman, and I continue to assure her that I am not gay and have no desire to TS since I have a much greater understanding of what GG girls have to go through on a daily basis to look good in public. She grew up learning that CD was wrong and she still feels that way, but she still loves me and knows that I will always be there for her. It has not always been easy and she doesn't like to even talk about cross dressing, but I go to work dressed on halloween and she has to hear about that from shared coworkers. We have agreed to some ground rules and I abide by them, and she allows me these 'times'. It's not everything I want, but I'm sure she would like it all to "go away" and knows it will not.
It was not easy telling her before I got married, the girl I had been dating seriously a few years earlier completely freaked when I told her I was a cross dresser. She left the apartment and within a week moved back home (about 60 miles away) without saying anything. So telling our GF or potential wife before marriage who we are is a big trust issue, but telling her was the right thing to do. And trying to keep the lines of communication on the subject open is also the right thing to do. I'm trying to overcome a lifetime of prejudice because of the way she was raised and show her that I can respect her even when she is not supportive of me in somethings.

[Bernadina]

I told her shortly after we met and long before we were married. I didn't want there to be any secrets between us. It turned out well and she is very supportive. Of course I try and treat her like a Princess at all times.

[Christina Nicole]

One day many years ago, while sitting with a girlfriend, I asked her what the stuff was in the corner of the room. She went over and picked some very colorful cloth (it was not obvious that they were clothes) and said something like, "They're my old sundresses. Do you like them? Here, try this one on." Or something very close to that. OK, I had been dressing in women's clothing for years before this, but never shaved my legs or anything that would give her an outward clue. Skipping ahead we eventually broke up. She found someone who she thought had more money than I, etc.

She always was having emergencies or borrowing money for one reason or another. A not a huge sum, few hundred or thousand every now and then. A couple of months later, she calls and wants more money or she'll tell everyone my secret. We dated for a long time so she knew nearly everyone I did. She knew all my friends, co-workers, family. So I paid. The second time I got it on tape and sent a copy to my attorney who contacted her about the penalties regarding blackmail.

So I never told, or hinted or did anything that might suggest this secret to anyone else. I knew my wife, before we married, was... very sure of her view of the world and little could be said or done to dissuade her from her views. Considering her views, and that she would be unlikely to change her mind, and previous experience as well as that I had not been dressing or interested in dressing while we were dating, I didn't see any reason to tell.

Knowing what I know now, I suppose that... I don't know. Should I have told her before we were married and risk that she would tell everyone after she broke things off? Or maybe just have broken everything off myself without telling my secret? Or should I have told her some time after we were married, which is what happened.

Still don't know the right answer.

Warm regards,
Christina Nicole

[Melanie R]

I told my wife one month after we were married in 1980. I presented her with a 32 page letter describing the evolution of Melanie which was delivered to her office at the school where she was the administrator. Three hours later she called my office and said, "I do not understand what this all means but we will make it work." The rest is history. My letter to her is found in her first book and described on the WE documentary. Since then she has helped not only me to come to acceptance and understanding of who I am but many other transgendered persons and their significant others.

Melanie

[Stephanie Scott]

I was married for about 9 years and had 2 kids before I told my wife. She has become increasingly accepting and supportive.

In 1 way, I regret waiting for so long -- I didn't like keeping this secret from her. However, she told me that if I had told her about this before we were married, she probably wasn't mature enough at the time to handle it and probably wouldn't have married me. Soooooo, I suppose it was good tht I waited because we are now best friends and have a great marriage.

I told because I finally came to terms with it, in light of my faith, and came to accept that crossdressing isn't necessarily inconsistent with or proscribed by my faith in Christ. Once I gave ALL of myself to Him (particularly the girly part), I felt ok about telling her.

[Julie York]

Anyone who didn't tell their wife because they married before the internet.......should be forgiven.







It depresses me when I see posts that say "Why didn't he tell me!"

Why didn't he tell me something that would have lost my love and respect.
Why didn't he tell me something that might have destroyed his hopes for a happy normal future.
Why didn't he tell me something about this thing that he doesn't understand anyway.
Why didn't he tell me something that I could have used to blackmail him.
Why didn't he tell me something that could have lost him his job.
Why didn't he tell me something that could have alienated him from all his friends.
Why didn't he tell me something that he feels embarrassed and ashamed about.


Well gosh......!!! DER!!

[JulieC]

For the non-GG's who are married:

Did you tell your wife prior to getting married about your CD'ing or after? If after, how long after? If you did, what prompted you to tell her?

If you haven't told her, why?

When I was younger, I was too afraid to tell anyone...even women I was very much in love with. As I got older, and came to accept myself a bit more, I came to understand that I couldn't keep it hidden. I started telling girlfriends, with mixed results. I wasn't confident it was the right thing to do, as a result. Ultimately, a few months after I met my wife-to-be, I told her. I just got to the point where I said to myself, "This is me. If she runs for the hills, she runs for the hills. I can't change that."

Glamourgirl GG, it is important to understand that the desire to crossdress is something that a person appears to be born with. You can no more get rid of it than you can cut off your head. There's not a lot of science in this field to support any conclusions. However, I've kept on asking the same question of many people over the years who crossdress; Are you aware of anyone who has successfully repressed the urge to crossdress? Not a one has *ever* answered "yes".

Your husband isn't evil, sick, perverted, bad, terrible, ugly or anything else negative simply for having a desire and need to crossdress. He's just him. There's no crime against it. There's no reason it *has* to be a threat to any marriage. Much of what spins around in a marriage can get blamed on the husband's crossdressing. Reality; it's a convenient excuse.

If you're having other problems in your marriage, don't be ready and willing to blame the crossdressing. You want more communication, then go for it. Same for trust, same for him being a best friend to you. Accept all of him, even if you don't like every last bit of him.

It's entirely legitimate for you to have fears and be terrified. You are absolutely justified in having them. You have a right to know, most especially if your husband believes he's transsexual. Deep conversation is important. You have a right to know your own clothes are not being used by him (unless you don't mind). You have a right to protecting yourself against exposure from the world that your husband is a crossdresser.

Trying to establish rules will not work all that well. They are good, but only work so far. Do not be disappointed if the rules bend, even break, and change over time. They will.

It is very important that you give this time. Some people have a strong urge to 'fix' things fast, get it done and over with. You don't 'fix' this as there is nothing to fix. It's part of your lives. You learn to adapt. Over time, your understanding and acceptance of your husband's feminine aspects will become natural.

Remove hate. Don't let yourself slide into conversation that is negative. Many crossdressing men I have known have had a strong tendency to run back into their shells when confronted with aggressive, harsh attitudes towards them from people they love. Inside of crossdressers who are first coming out is a terrified young child. When it first peers around that corner at the open daylight for the first few times, it's going to find it very hard not to run and hide if negative things happen.

That you are here, willing to post and listen speaks volumes about you. Your husband is truly lucky to have you, and needs to shower you with praise, flowers, jewelry, dinners, whatever makes your day better :)

-BB

[Joy Carter]

Lets just look at it from another point of view. Three months ago while I was in the process of admitting to and accepting who I am. She in a crying fit told me that she wouldn't have married me had she known. She would like to have had a choice rather than "live like this" ???? I was totally blown away. This woman whom I had worked to make comfortable, loved unconditionally and never cheated on, made me feel like trash. A blow to the head with a hammer would have been more merciful. We didn't hardly talk for two weeks. Then I thought back to when were first married. And how she began crying one night and told me something that had happened to her before we met. This incident has made our relationship extremely difficult over the years and has robbed her and I of a normal relationship. I stayed with her out of love and we never spoke of it again. So girls we too have liked to have known about some things too before we said "I Do". I have no regret staying with her. She is my life. I just wish she would have realized that before she said what she said. I know this was allot to drop on you all. But there is another side of the coin in a marriage.

[Glamourgirl GG]

Julie, I'm sorry you feel this way but for those of us who have never even had a trace of this in our lives, it is all a little confusing and mind boggling.

For everyone else, since I wrote last night, I do think that if my husband would've outright told me, I would've never given him a chance. I was 22 at the time (10 years ago) and pretty immature. We would never be where we are now...only a few months away from having our 4th child.

I'm not sure there really ever is a good time to tell I suppose. For me it was about the fact that I am a very open person and never kept anything from him. When he told me, I felt that up until that point he hadn't offered me that same respect. He also told me on the morning of my 29th birthday as a "gift." At the time I could definitely see that it took a lot of courage and guts to tell me. He explained how it began, and psychologically speaking I could understand how that event lead him into it. However, as Stephanie said, I have very deep religious faith. In fact, I had become a born again Christian a year prior to him telling me. So as you can imagine, it floored me and shook my faith.

Even though I tried to be accepting those very few short weeks 3 years ago, I simply couldn't handle it and tried to make him put it away. Like I said earlier in the thread, it took my new boss telling me two months ago about his struggle being gay. It may me think what I a bitch I am to force my husband to be something other than who he really is. I cried for weeks every time I thought about it and finally a few weeks before Christmas surprised my husband by buying him a few pieces of clothing. I think hearing about my bosses struggle and story coming from the "outside" if you will, really helped me put things into perspective. PLease know that I am not saying my husband is gay or that CD'ers are gay, I'm only referencing my bosses plight because it is what helped open my eyes.

I love my husband more than anything in this world and him coming on this forum and interacting with you all has actually helped us communicate more. He'll ask me if I read a certain post and what I thought and he'll let me read what he writes and vice versa. It's started a dialogue and I thank the owners of this board for starting such a wonderfully supportive place. It makes me feel comfortable that it's not a "pick up joint" or sex type site and that both husband's and wives and SO's all participate here.

[Stephanie Scott]

I think that my marriage has become immensely stronger since I told my wife. Like you are experiencing, I think that our communication has improved, and I am trying to use my dressing and inner femininity to live with her in a more understanding way, as Scripture tells husbands to do. I understand her better and try to serve her in any capacity that I am (boy mode or girl mode). I have also tried to use my dressing to draw emotionally closer to the Lord. I think I have succeeded (at least moderately) in these areas since telling her, and her support and encouragement have helped me do so. While being married to a crossdresser undoubtedly has its challenges and downsides, I would tend to believe that on balance, it can be a good thing if both partners communicate, as y'all have started to do. I can't tell you how much her support has made me feel closer to her and motivated me to be a better husband for her and love her in a sacrifical way (although being human and still having a large "guy" part of me, I'm sure I fail often).

[Glamourgirl GG]

Stephanie, I agree with you. I told him today that I think our marriage is a lot stronger and that I am scared that his being honest and more communicative, etc. is a "short term effect."

My boss (who actually used to be a minister) really helped me see that only God can judge...not me. Although I know that my Christians friends here at home would not agree with me. :(

I'm glad you are here and responded. :)

[azure]

I think the key component in this dynamic in a relationship is the presence of honesty, and being up front with ones feelings. I listen to a talk radio station at night, and so often callers cite a lack of honesty, or the absence of, as the reason for the relationship being compromised, and so breaking down.As a person in the process of gender reasignment, and also wishing to have a relationship, I find myself asking should I do this, is this really fair on a prospective partner, and however if I decide to withhold this information, the alternative is a pack of lies, which as we all know is unacceptable. I began a thread recentley these feelings, and people were very kind and helpful in the opinions they shared there.
I dont know very much, but what I do know is that the truth really can hurt so much, but it is far better than the hell that lies can lead you into.

Its good here isnt it......no, not really.

[Sweet Virginia]

Yeah, after two or three years. Thing is, most of the time these days it's just going on in my head anyway, but I can trust her and I couldn't handle 'secrets' anymore. She blows cool 'n' cold. Now here it gets interesting.. I go into the loft for insulation inspection purposes and there's a suitcase up there, I bring it down and it's some personal effects of her previous partner (much reviled). There's lots of cross-dresser magazines from the late eighties in there!!!!!

[Mary Morgan]

Hi Glamourgirl, You certainly have received alot of information and no doubt will receive alot more. I just want to add, echo, and support my sisters and you. I applaud your desire to understand. I'm afraid many of us don't have the "why" answers. I will tell you even as young children many of us, myself included were taught to feel shame and embarrassment. I was told that I was bad. I wanted to be good, yet my nature was to be a girl, at least part of the time. So I learn to be deceptive, secretive, and sadly a little dishonest both with others and myself. We keep our secret to avoid rejection. We keep our secret out of fear that we will be forever alone. I have only told my wife, my grown children, a few close friends in the last seven or eight years. I am 59 years young. They have received this information well and I am blessed. My greatest difficulty was restoring my wife's trust in me. We are there now, and while she isn't enthusiastic about my feminine desires, she is supportive of my need, helps me shop and is there to talk. I am truly blessed. I hope you are able to accept the idea that he didn't do this to you. You know his secret because he needed to confide in you, out of love and respect.

[Elaine Lynn]

I told my wife about my crossdressing 2 months after we were married. All she said was Oh really .I dont think she believed me. One night while she was in the shower I dressed up and waited for her to come out and when she saw me she really didn't say much. She told me if I wanted to look like a woman I should know what I was doing and she then helped me do my makeup which I never had on before and curled my hair with a curling iron. Well that was a long time ago when we were young and over the years she would help me sometimes and other times if she was mad over something would tell me grow up and start acting like aman. She is pretty mellow over the last 3 years and lets me do what I want except going out in a dress . She is ok with a top jeans and what ever I wear under when we go shopping so I listen to her and make the best of it. Love her a whole lot so I need to keep her happy.:D

[Cynthia_0101]

At the time I told my now wife of 5 years we had been dating for 3 months. I had rolled it over and over in my midn if I should tell her.

Anything I had watched on TV about crossdressers on daytime talk shows always ended badly, I knew I could never hid this type of thing from my wife it's such a big part of who I am inside it would have torn me apart. I decicded if she could not deal with it now was the time to find out and end it here before anyone got hurt.

So I told her, she was very understanding and we are still happily together.

10 years together and 5 of thoes married

Cynthia

[Khriss]

..."tolerance" ..is tough...
..love and acceptance seem less complex ?? :eek: :D xx"K"

[TaniaInTas]

Dear GlamourGirl,

Many of the feelings that you desscribe sound very much like troubles my wife has had since she became fully aware of my CD'ing. I will relate our circumstances to you and let you you draw from it what you will.

I first had interests in CDing during my pubescent years (yes I have a good memory!). There were lots of new experiences for me during this time, and it was many years before I had any real understanding of what things were intrinsically me, and what were just things I tried. When I met my wife, we were sexual much sooner than I would have anticipated ( i was a late maturer and not particularly confident with women). We had a whirlwind romance and were enaged after about 7 months. Married another 8 months later. In all honesty, I believe that I did not think about dresing once in that period. I did not deliberately not tell my wife - it had just disappeared into the background.

It was several years later that I started thinking about dressing again, and by ths stage I felt that I knew my wife well enough that she would not approve. By this stage we had children, and they were most certainly the highest priority for both of us. My dressing became a secret activity, and my wife only found out because she cleans more thoroughly than I hide! Her reaction was exactly as I anticipated, and although the subject has been raised many times, her attitude has not really changed. Similarly I have tried many times to stop, but I get so cranky that I just have to find a time and place for Tania.
I have no doubt that we would not be married, had we known of this issue at taht time. However, 'in my defence', I also did not realise at that time, just what dressing meant to me.

[JulieC]

Stephanie, I agree with you. I told him today that I think our marriage is a lot stronger and that I am scared that his being honest and more communicative, etc. is a "short term effect."

My boss (who actually used to be a minister) really helped me see that only God can judge...not me. Although I know that my Christians friends here at home would not agree with me. :(

I'm glad you are here and responded. :)

Glamourgirl GG, you've noted your becoming a born again Christian, and with the above it has sparked me to comment on this.

It is not at all uncommon for people to automatically assume that if a man crossdresses, he is a dreadful sinner before the eyes of God. The _only_ passage in the Bible that has anything to do with this is Deuteronomy 22:5. A few things to consider with regards to this:

* Note that Deuteronomy is part of the Pentateuch, part of the Old Testament. They are not the words of Christ.

* Note that, as with much of the Bible, this is subject to interpretation. Does this mean a man should not wear clothes *belonging* to a woman, or not wear clothes *designed* for a woman? Which is it?

* If your husband is a sinner for wearing a skirt, are you not also a sinner for wearing pants?

* Jesus wore a robe. That's a form of a dress. Was Jesus a sinner?

* There are a number of societies today where men wear skirts and dress like robes openly. Greece, Scotland, Indonesia, India, and so forth. Are these men all sinners too?

* If your husband is a sinner for wearing pantyhose, then you too are a sinner for wearing pantyhose. Pantyhose, in the form of thicker tights, were originally a man's garment. This also applies to high heels, which were originally designed as a practical aid to knights on horses to help them keep their stirrups in battle. This became associated with royalty over time, and thus the term "well heeled".

* If your husband is a sinner for breaking that passage of Deuteronomy, then you might also wish to read the rest of Deuteronomy and see how many other sins you and he are both committing. Have you put a railing around the roof of your house? If not, sinner. Do any of your clothes have mixed fiber content? If so, sinner. Etc..etc...

I can't tell you how to keep your faith. That's a very personal subject. But, I have to agree with the statement that only God can judge. For my own part, I am convinced that I was born as I am; a crossdresser. The very large majority of crossdressing men (forgive me for our ftm readers...I just haven't met many ftm people, and the few I have I have not talked extensively with) started their crossdressing before puberty, before there was any sexual aspect of it. My earliest memory of a desire to crossdress is from age 4. I am what God made me. Part of me is a man who can not (and oh how I have tried) stop crossdressing.

I am sorry that your husband waited to tell you. I know it casts a shadow against trust. But, if I might speak to this; it's a very, very, very hard thing for a man to do. Virtually all of society is completely against the idea of a man wearing women's clothes.

Women can wear whatever they want with impunity, and no one thinks anything of it. Men? Automatically people assume they are gay. They are ostracized from the outset, freaks, weirdos, perverted. Even among the gay community, non-drag queen crossdressers are outsiders, and often viewed in a negative way. Society presses incredible hard upon men to be masculine, to enjoy sports, beer, fast women, cars, trucks, make a big paycheck and bring home the bucks, etc. To deviate from that, you must be mentally snapped.

Take a case point; Metrosexual. You know what it basically means? A man who takes care of his appearance. Yet, ask ten people if they think metrosexual males are gay, and I'll bet you get 7-9 that lean towards saying yes at a minimum. So, if a man takes care of his appearance he's automatically gay? So, a man is supposed to be a slob else be labeled gay?

Now extend this into crossdressing. A woman can wear combat boots, men's pants, a tie,...nobody says anything about wearing these items. If she wears a skirt or dress, no one says anything. If a man tries the reverse? If a man who takes care of his appearance must automatically be gay to most people, imagine what crosses their minds when they see a man wearing a skirt?

It is a terrifying prospect to tell those that you love that, as a man, you enjoy wearing skirts/dresses/etc. To cross that bridge is virtually impossible for many people. For your husband to have done so, even if years after you became married, shows a massive amount of trust and faith in your marriage and you. Yes, it would have been better if he told you before you got married. But, that can not be changed. That he told you at all, when there are so many of us in permanent hiding, is terrific. Would you have rather found out by finding his stash of women's clothes? Would you have rather found out by one of your kids finding his stash? "Mom? What are these pairs of size 12 women's shoes in the attic?" (meanwhile, you wear a size 7). "Mom? Did you ever wear a size 16 dress?". This could have been a hell of a lot worse.

On a related note; I encourage you to not separate your husband's desire to crossdress from his regular self. There are not two split personalities at work here. This is one person, one man. Don't try to compartmentalize his feminine aspects under a convenient name of "Lucy" or "Jane" or whatever pseudonym he uses to address his feminine aspects. These aspects are part of him, regardless of what clothes he is wearing or not wearing. Take all of him. You don't have an obligation to like everything about him. Nobody is perfect. There are things about you he doesn't like. But, he does love you. He loves you enough that he told you. Love him enough to accept him as him...the man you fell in love with was a crossdressing man long before he met you.

Congratulations on your upcoming fourth child!

-BB

[Robin Leigh]

Yes, my wife knows all about me. I told her about two weeks into our marriage (this was 20 years ago).

Now - WHY didn't I tell her first??!! To understand the reasons behind this, you have to understand what life is like for a man, and particularly as a cross dressing man.

So, you take this ultimate fear of being caught, of everyone knowing your a freak (don't flame me girls, this is the way I felt back then), and more or less the end of your life as you know it, and then ask "Why did you not tell your girl friend before you were married"?

In my life, I've been shot at, I've been on a plane that filled with smoke, I've been in half a dozen car accidents, and NOTHING came close to the terror I felt when I told my wife.

Your beautiful story has brought tears to my eyes, Kim. :love:

:hugs:

Robin

[Lovely Rita]

I wish I could tell you that I had the charachter and strength to have done it, but quite frankly I was a chicken and it was not until I got caught that the truth came out which I am pleased to tell you has changed my life for the better. No more sneaking around and the extra added benefit of a supportive SO. If I would have known what I know now I would have done it sooner. this is my story and there are no guarantees that it would work out the same for others so I am not encouraging anything one way or the other.

[Katrina CD]

I too waited to tell my wife till we were married for over 2 years. I did not understand what I was before that point. The first time she made me get rid of everything. Of course I wanted it gone too. It came back. I told her again about five years later after I had come to terms and embraced what I was. She was upset about me "lying" to her. I felt that I hadn't lied because I tried to get rid of the feeling for years. We actually discussed a little, then it seemed to be pushed under the rug. I tried a few times to bring the subject up, but there was no communication about it. After almost 2 years, I still don't know what she thinks for sure.

I salute your efforts to understand and communicate. You sound like you want it to work.

Good Luck!
Katrina.

[Julie York]

Julie, I'm sorry you feel this way but for those of us who have never even had a trace of this in our lives, it is all a little confusing and mind boggling..

Yes, sorry, didn't mean to give you a broadside. I congratulate you on being open minded enough to try and learn about the subject.

But the question of "Why didn't he tell me"...answers itself when you start to understand more. It becomes really very obvious and the sad thing is that a lot of people don't tell BECAUSE they love their wives and are frightened of loosing them. Yet the first accusation from wives, after being gay, is that they are deceitful liars.

If you had a secret that could destroy your marriage, career, friendships, family....would you tell anyone?

[EmmaB GG]

Hi there Glamourgirl GG

I'm with an occasional CD who has great difficulty dealing with it at the moment and, like you, I'm trying very hard to understand so that I can be supportive. But I would like to put the question, can I as a GG really ever understand what drives someone wanting to CD? Many of us try very hard, and go through extreme emotions and huge lows doing so, and often end up not too far from where we started. And often we lose some of our confidence - some days a lot, some days a bit - but the one thing that we all have to do is work out a personal coping strategy (for want of a better word) to help us. It could be a new hobby that gives you time for yourself or simply asking the partner to tell you a little more often that he loves you. After all, if I am supporting my partner through a bad time, who's supporting me - it can be a lonely place for us too, you know!

[Deborah_UK]

Hi there Glamourgirl GG

After all, if I am supporting my partner through a bad time, who's supporting me - it can be a lonely place for us too, you know!

Emma - rack up enough posts and you'll have a whole host of GGs to support you in the GG room on this board.

Congratulations on supporting your partner as well - I often wonder who my partner can turn to in order to vent - she has been supportive since Day 1 (well date 3 actually!), I have had the support of counsellors, the Stonebridge Gender Clinic and her - she's had no-one. She doesn't use the internet so I can't point her in this direction.

[EmmaB GG]

My reasons for wanting to support are simple - that I love him, but need to understand (and learn to live with) her! This is the first time I've even been in a chat room, and have great expectations!!

Being with a sometimes reluctant CDr can be hard and just finding that there are other people to talk has helped me big time already, even 24 hours in. After reading the stats about just what % of the male population possibly CD, I have started to wonder - are some of my female friends going through the same?

I just ask that CDrs recognise that some GG's way of dealing with it is to close down, and maybe compromise has to worked very hard at by both parties -simple things such as really spoiling your SO after a particularly difficult patch might help ease the pain after all the support you've been happy to take (and it can be pain, I assure you!). Just as we'll never understand you fully, maybe you'll never understand us ....

[JulieC]

Emma,

Thank you, a thousand times thank you, for offering support to your partner!

-BB

[EmmaB GG]

BB

Just as long as you are prepared to give as much support back - it's really needed, I assure you!

Emx

[JulieC]

Emma,

I try like the dickens. My wife frequently says "our marriage has been the best years of my life" and to other people she says "he came already trained!". Nobody is perfect, least of all me, but I try hard knowing full well (having experienced it, though not in marriage) of how terrible it is having a partner that does not support you. Sure, sometimes I wish she were even more supportive than she is, but that it like asking for champagne when I am desperate for water.

Restating something I've said elsewhere multiple times; Emma, you are a treasure if for no other reason than you are making the effort to be supportive. Your partner didn't choose to be this way. I've been at this for a long time, and have known not a single CDer who successfully repressed the desire to crossdress. I.e., it's something integral to us and something we could no sooner stop doing than cut our hands off. We were born with this. It is who and what we are. For you to be willing to try to be supportive shows a huge amount of courage and willingness to accept your partner for everything he is, imperfections and all. You are a treasure!

-BB

[tallyman]

I have not told my wife but please understand your husband can not help howc he feels and morec than likley sarted young as I did at about 11 to 12 years old He is not gay but just like to feel of womens cloths let him enjoyb that and help him in that your marrage will be stronger and full of love


yours Michala:love:

[Glamourgirl GG]

Hey Emma I am new on here too, although my husband told me 3 years ago, I only really became accepting of it about 3-4 weeks ago. While I continue to say some things scare me, if that is even the right word I am looking for...I can't even begin to tell you the positive changes it has made in our marriage. Honestly. It sounds like common sense that your husband would be your best friend, but to me, mine never was until the last few weeks and honestly, I wouldn't give any of that up because it has made me fall more in love with him than ever before.

Deborah, I know what you mean. I felt I had no one to talk to either until my husband found this board and encouraged me to join. When there are some things that you absolutely cannot share with someone else, your world can become a lonely and isolated place. Are there support groups maybe that you both can get involved in?

[Michellebej]

Emma,

I tell all the women in my life, before we move in and after things have gone past the casual dating stage about "Michelle".

Mostly, because I want someone that will love me. And; not just a part of me.
And; doesn't everyone deserve to be loved for who they are, and; not just because of who people think they are?

I think you are doing just fine, and wish you and your SO the best of everything.

love

Michelle

[Stephanie Scott]

BB -- Loved your post re: Christianity. I have become firmly convinced that CDing is one of those things that is morally neutral in and of itself -- kinda like playing golf. It is what we do with it that gives it moral content. For example, if I engage in godly conversations or witness to my golfing partner while on the course, all the while recognizing the beauty of God's creation (golf courses are often beautiful places), then golf is a morally positive activity. On the other hand, if I neglect my wife and family and curse at my bad shots while playing golf, it becomes morally negative. Thus golf itself isn't the problem.

Similarly, CDing can be used in a positive way (increasing understanding of your wife, your faith, your family) or a negative way (spending money you don't have for clothes, using it as a sexual release outside the confines of your marriage, neglecting your duties and responsibilities in your role as husband and father, etc). It is what we do, therefore, with our interests and desires that matters. The interests and desires themselves are not always the problem.

That being said, we still do have to be careful not to hide behind the "only God can judge" mantra. While it is true that only God can judge our hearts and the natue of our salvation, we are still called upon sometimes to judge people's actions (NOT the people themselves). Freedom in Christ does not equal license to do as we please. So we do need to be careful about that.

It was heartening to read Glamourgirl's account of the improvement in her marriage as a result of the increased communication, understanding and closeness with her husband that this issue has created. Since God sanctions our marriages, He wants them to be strong and he wants us to be a unit working together with Him in the center. If CDing helps bring this about, then under those circumstances, it should be viewed as morally positive.

I think your analysis about OT Scripture on crossdressing is very good; I would add however, that there is an element of the truth of that Scripture that we CDers need to be mindful of. Part of the applicability of that passage is still relevant to us today, even if the proscription against crossdressing (in whatever cultural circumstances it was originally penned for) no longer applies to Christians who have freedom in Christ ('Everything is permissible, but not everything is beneficial'). We must remember that those of us who are husbands and fathers have a divinely ordained role to protect and provide for our wives in a masculine way -- God created differences in the sexes for a reason -- and we should never abandon those responsibilities in favor of following feminine desires. (For example, if your wife is good enough to be seen with you in public while you are dressed, you still need to be her physical protector and defender, even if you are feeling feminine yourself to the point that you wish someone else would rescue YOU!! :-)).

[Satrana]

Glamourgirl

It is wonderful to hear that you have turned the corner and realized that shutting out is not dealing with the issue and only harms the marriage. The only way to deal with this is to open up your heart and deal with the issue head on and open up an exchange of thoughts, emotions and empathy for each other.

Intellectually you know that there is nothing essentially wrong with a man expressing his feminine side or wearing feminine clothing. However emotionally you are struggling to dispose of the socially unacceptable viewpoint that you have believed in all your life. Good for you to be brave enough to take that leap of faith and leave behind intolerance and accept your husband for all that he is.

The more you understand, the more you can place yourself in his shoes and realize how much he loves you and needs your support and vice versa.

[Lindsay]

For the non-GG's who are married:
Did you tell your wife prior to getting married about your CD'ing or after? If after, how long after? If you did, what prompted you to tell her?


Hi Glamourgirl.

I told my wife on our third date (we've been married nearly four years now), although at the time my urge to CD had (temporarily) gone away. Part of me wondered whether I'd been "cured" of CDing, but I decided to tell her anyway. It was the scariest conversation I've ever had, but she was fine with it - she wasn't freaked and wasn't particularly keen either, and she asked me to promise that if the urge to CD came back I'd (a) tell her and (b) get my own stuff.

I'm very glad I told her, but at the time the voices in my head were saying that I shouldn't. You're not CDing any more! they said. So why run the risk of losing the most perfect person you've ever met? And hey, if you do start CDing again, you can keep it secret! She doesn't need to know!

Certainly in my case I think honesty was the best policy, but I can totally understand why other CDs don't tell. It's not that they're deliberately trying to hide their true selves or anything like that; it's that they're scared of losing Miss Right.

[Megan72]

While i had been dressing for many years before I met my So, I did not tell her about it. The urges had subsided for a time. She stumbled upon it while we were well, that is a story for another type of forum. We have progressively become more comfortable withe the idea and explore the possibilities often but always together.

[boygirl]

hello hun.
This is chrissy, from vermont. I am glad to see you are doing well. Hugs and kisses for a good 2007.
Chrissy

[bikini02]

Hi,

I never told my wife prior to getting married, however one holloween I did dress as a girl.

After being married she found me dressed, but did not say much. Later in the marriage I became more in need of dressing, not that my wife didn't fullfil my needs. It was more like I just felt releive when dressed. I tried to explain it to my wife she listen but I don't think she really understood. I think that she thought that she was not doing something.

Well she knows and we have been married for 25 years with four children. Sometimes I think that she secretly resent my dressing. She hates it when I shave my body hair.

[Margot]

If your hubby is anything like many others he probably decided that after meeting the girl he wanted to marry that he would give up cding. However; as many of us know, it does not go away. I told my second wife before we were married so that she had a choice on whether she wanted to drop the relationship. However; she did know that it doesn't just go away and is accepting of my crossdressing. We have been married now for 21 yrs.
I'm one of the licky ones. It sounds like your hubby is lucky too.
:hugs:
Margot

[JulieC]

We have been married now for 21 yrs.
I'm one of the licky ones.

(emphasis mine in the above quote)

Margot,

Ah, so THAT's the secret of a successful marriage! :lol:

Sorry, couldn't resist :)

-BB

[Glamourgirl GG]

:lol: :lol: :lol: Licky ones. I guess I am that too. haha!

bikini02--I prefer that he shaves his body hair. I can actually see his body much better and he just looks plain hot. I'll be sad once summer comes and he let's his leg hair grow back to avoid people asking questions.

I have to say that I am beginning to feel more comfortable with things because things I have always wanted from the beginning with my husband are happening all because of his dressing. This is the closest I have ever felt to him and even though I know in my heart I was too immature to hear about his Cd'ing 10 years ago, I just wished I could've had this "new" relationship from the beginning. I'm also a little nervous that this is just a phase (the open communication, walls being down, etc) and that when the "pink fog" lifts we'll be back to square one.

But for now...It sounds so weird to say this, but CD'ing saved my marriage. :eek:

[paola w]

I told my wife fairly early on,before having any children.She didn't
want to know,we never talked about it.I cross dressed secretly
untill our relation died & failed.
love paola.