dramatic events

[battybattybats]

My partner has not been supportive, in fact the very opposite saying she would leave me if I dressed again and if she left me she would kill herself. Well her mental health has been deteriorating for reasons unrelated to dressing and after an argument involving her smashing plates I called in her relatives to try to get them to get her to some help as I (being disabled with chronic fatigue) can't drive and would have to call emergency services otherwise.

Well hours went by as they tried to sort out our problems (sigh) but thankfully the dressing didn't get brought up (though I did get told I was lazy and didn't really have CFS apparently... how there opinion could be more valid than the blood tests was a point they ignored) and during a heated argument my partner emotionally accused me of sticking my nose where it doesn't belong as I'd spoiled her plans to kill herself that night at work!

How dastardly of me! So I did call emergency services and they took her away, releasing her later to her mothers care. I made it clear she was to stay away for the forseeable future because I can't keep an eye on her nor handle the stress. I'm not sure she can recover and I'm not even sure the relationship could recover.

So for the moment I'm independant which is hard with managing my symptoms but also quite rewarding. I'm also now free to dress if I want... yet strangely the urge isn't very strong right now.

[Casey Morgan]

With everything you're going through I can imagine you not having a strong urge to do anything. I hope everything works out well for you and your partner. Hang in there.

[Nikki A.]

I can feel your anguish and maybe the releif in that you are no longer responsible for her actions. I'm kind of in a similar situation and how it all plays out I don't know yet.
My prayers are with you and I hope that everything works out in the end.

[RobertaFermina]

Heaven help her!!

My heart goes out to her, and you.

You have taken such a sensible and compassionate path through such a mind exploding crisis; I am in awe!

How clearly you were concerned about her personal recovery *before* you related concern about your mutual relationship recovering.

It might work to see it as two relationships, yours to her, and hers to you.

I see you working maturely and sensitively in your relationship with her and yourself. What more can you do? Treat yourself very kindly, your deserve it.

Your partnership depends on more than your relationship to her, and is out of your control. Needing things to work out when they are like this drives me nuts with angst and worry. I have to fully let go and leave the relationship be in a state of mystery in order to find peace. I hope you have a solution for this kind of jeopardy.


About the urge...I noticed that my urge to dress increased when I found my present (and fading) relationship was on the rocks. I get release to be able to connect with my kind of femininity more directly than through a rocky relationship to my feminine friend. When I recently had a positive, and loving phone conversation with my dear friend the "urge" lessened. Just thought I'd mention that.

:hugs:
Roberta

[Sharon]

....................

How dastardly of me! So I did call emergency services and they took her away, releasing her later to her mothers care. I made it clear she was to stay away for the forseeable future because I can't keep an eye on her nor handle the stress. I'm not sure she can recover and I'm not even sure the relationship could recover.

So for the moment I'm independant which is hard with managing my symptoms but also quite rewarding. I'm also now free to dress if I want... yet strangely the urge isn't very strong right now.

Gee, I wonder why I feel no sympathy for you.

I do have compassion for your wife, however. She will be in my thoughts.

[Cynthia_0101]

Gee, I wonder why I feel no sympathy for you.

I do have compassion for your wife, however. She will be in my thoughts

Sharon have you ever had to deal with someone who has mental health issues?.

Contrary to your thought it is very taxing emotionaly and physicaly. I have dealt with it many times, and to also have a your own health problems at the same time would almost make it unbearable.

I have been in the same posistion and I know what it's like to feel the burden come off your shoulders for even a little while.

Cynthia

[RobertaFermina]

I have dealt with a suicidal SO, I stopped her at the Golden Gate Bridge; on another occasion I went to the hospital with her to get her stomache pumped (pills).

I never felt so utterly helpless AND responsible at the same time! And I knew that what I was going through was nothing compared to her anguish.

Whenever the crisis passed, it was still there coloring every day and every moment like someone is holding a gun with a hair-trigger. Whenever there was any nuance of a negative mood shift for her there was instant alarm and stress...kinda like PTSD.

I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

*SIGH* Roberta

[cocopuff's girl GG]

It sounds like this GG had alot more going on Mentally than the dressing. If you knowing that she wanted to committ suicide and had not got her some immediate help and she did something to herself you'd have to live with it for the rest of your life. You did what you had to do although unpleasent I'm sure. I worked with the mentally ill for 8 years and it can be quite challenging. Hopefully she can get some help, medication to get her back on track. I applaud your efforts to get your wife the help she desperatly needed. I hope things work out for both of you.

[battybattybats]

Sharon... I have chronic fatigue syndrome which makes it hard to do anything and I've been living with someone whose mood swings dramatically and often.

Yep, there has been a lot more involved than the dressing... my illness is a big factor, she does all the housework and cooking and won't let me forget it... but if I try to do any of that at a pace that would be ok with my illness I'm criticised for 'not doing it right', 'doing it too slow' and there is rarely a week goes by without me being called 'useless' while she 'has to do everything for me'... now she's been doing evening shifts the last two months during which time I've been learning to cook for myself again and loving it. Does she react with happiness saying that now I can cook for the both of us sometimes? Nope. It's 'you won't need me anymore' or suggestions that my cooking would 'poison her'.

Now doing things at a careful pace and only when I feel capable is vital to managing my illness but she says it's selective and only when she wants me to do something that I'm tired. While keeping an eye on the severity of my symptoms so I can prevent unexpected flare-ups is 'dwelling on it all the time'

So you see, not being dependant on anybody else and being in control of my own life for a while is difficult but rewarding. By all means have sympathy for my partner, I have no idea why you have problems with me though.

[kerrianna]

battybattybats (btw one of the greatest nicknames on the site); I sympathize with both you and your partner and hope both of you find the strength and magic in life to enjoy it.

I sometimes think the same thoughts you say your partner expressed as a caregiver. I know it isn't accurate or true, it's born from frustration. I bet your partner would love nothing better than to cure you, but chronic fatigue syndrome is real. I hope you are on other support groups for that because I know it's one of those things that society sometimes says "NO! JUST LAZY!"

I know better from having known someone with the disease. So you look after yourself dear.

If your partner is threatening suicide amongst all this then all I can say is you ARE probably better off dealing with your seperate issues seperately. Your partner could use a support network independent of you too.

You might not be feeling all the pain right now, because to get through life sometimes you have to control that. But know that you have friends here, and if you need to talk we're here for you. Feel free to PM or e-mail me.

What we would all love to hear is that you and your partner are all chummy and happy and that you can dress to your heart's content. What reality presents itself as we'll help you deal with.

:love: :hugs:

[Amanda Jane]

it sounds like a hard way to go for both of you / in such cases there is no right or wrong / there is just getting through it / i remember my dad mowing the lawn the morning of my moms funeral / i thought it cold that he would think of doing that / when i grew up and thought like an adult i realized that mowing the lawn was what he was doing to try something, anything to keep his life together when it was falling apart all around him

sympathy for one / but not for both / in this case is a cause for deep reflection on your basic levels of compassion

[RobertaFermina]

Sharon,

What you posted caught me by surprise, and triggered me to make an additional posting in response.

Thank you for so frank, and stimulating. I look forward to hearing more from you.

Roberta

[Sharon]

So for the moment I'm independant which is hard with managing my symptoms but also quite rewarding. I'm also now free to dress if I want... yet strangely the urge isn't very strong right now.


Sharon,

What you posted caught me by surprise, and triggered me to make an additional posting in response.

Thank you for so frank, and stimulating. I look forward to hearing more from you.

Roberta

I was simply reacting to the "quite rewarding" part of the post when I wrote what I did. Although I have never suffered from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I do empathize and have compassion for those who do. However, it does not excuse what appeared to be a celebratory reaction to a spouse's absence. Sometimes we use our own afflictions as an excuse to be downright obnoxious -- so I decided to be obnoxious in return.

[Tamara Croft]

I can understand Sharons point of view, even if others can't. You are now free to dress how you want, free of your wife, the one who you pledged to love, in sickness and in health, till death do you part.... or have them carted off to the funny farm...... yeah that helps doesn't it?? I hope you find your time alone rewarding, because I'm pretty sure your wife is going through hell right now.

Don't use your health issues to make excuses..... and don't make fun of hers... I don't find it amusing, I don't find it funny and I most certainly do think you are selfish!!!

[Kimberly]

Great to hear you're ok, and managing. Sorry to hear about your partner. :(


I'm also now free to dress if I want... yet strangely the urge isn't very strong right now.
Don't push it - the time will come when you can enjoy yourself how you want. xx

[Rachaelb64]

Having worked in the Health Service for 'a couple of years' on the patient care side, (I dont any more, you only take so many years of banging your head against a wall and stay sane) I've seen the flip side to the patient/home carer relationship.

Its not always sweetness and light, as some TV programmes and the Health Service would have us to believe. There can be a lot of frustration, depression, resentment and anger in some of those relationship from both sides. I only ever spent a few hours at best with most patients so I learnt never to judge a relationship simple because I never knew the full side from either side.

Expressing relief is quite common, from the carer when the patient goes into hospital, and from the patient when they are in hospital there is also the underlying guilt about this relief.

I think this is what Batty is expressing at the moment, there is also probably some guilt due to this relief of the tension at home.

Compassion for both parties involved and a understanding of the tension both parties are going through is best.

[JulieC]

Sometimes we use our own afflictions as an excuse to be downright obnoxious -- so I decided to be obnoxious in return.

How refreshing. Nothing like returning bad behavior with bad behavior. That'll certainly brighten things up.

:sad:

[JoAnnDallas]

My mother passed away last Oct and as much as I hate saying this, it was a relief not only to me, but to my sister that was her primary caregiver and to mother herself when she died. My mother over a period of two years went from being able to live by herself, to going into assitant care, to living with my sister, and then to a nursing home. We all had to watch her slowly go down hill and then suffer when she got to the point that she need round clock care. Durning the last six months, my sister and I would get calls from the nursing home, sometimes in the middle of the night, because mother would try and get out of bed, fall, hurt herself, and a few time had to go to the hospital for X-Rays and treatment.

When she died, it WAS like a great big hand was lifted off our backs. I know it sounds bad, but that is how we looked at it. Very few tears were shed at her funeral, because we all felt that at last she is at peace and we were overjoyed.

So I can understand when she talks about being relieved about the situration and so forth. Couple this with CFS and many people do not understand the stress and pain one can go thru. CFS is kinda like "Agent Ogange". People did not understand the illness until finially after a long drawn out review and investigation, the medical field finially said "Yes it is a real illness". Another is the 'Gulf War Syndrome".

So don't be so hard to judge someone without understanding all of the different parts of what is going on. :2c:

[Amanda Jane]

"Sometimes we use our own afflictions as an excuse to be downright obnoxious"

and sometimes we don't even need afflictions as it just comes out all natural and all / i guess support means different things to different people / or is there a custom here / or a hierarchy that decides / who we should support and who should share in our shame / seems plenty of both going around

[Sweet Virginia]

I can understand Sharons point of view, even if others can't. You are now free to dress how you want, free of your wife, the one who you pledged to love, in sickness and in health, till death do you part.... or have them carted off to the funny farm...... yeah that helps doesn't it?? I hope you find your time alone rewarding, because I'm pretty sure your wife is going through hell right now.

Don't use your health issues to make excuses..... and don't make fun of hers... I don't find it amusing, I don't find it funny and I most certainly do think you are selfish!!!

I'm sure my wife would agree with Tamara. Let's face it, sometimes relationships just deteriorate, (alcohol can play a big part), both parties become unreasonable and vengeful and treat each other like shit.That's not good. Maybe if you didn't come clean about your dressing before you married she feels as if she's been lied to? Maybe it's driving her mad? I'm no saint here by the way, I didn't tell my wife before we was wed. I wish now that I had.

[battybattybats]

Hmm... lets clear some things up. Firstly a technicality, I refer to her as my partner as that is how I think of her and because legally we are considered De Facto.. this wasn't a conscious choice as such, more just how the relationship developed organically. We haven't as yet been married and I have been advised by both my therapist and her former therapist (whom she stopped seeing recently because she did not like what he was saying) that she is not yet ready for marriage. Still she is my partner and I have always put her needs first.. too much so in fact according to the therapists.

Secondly, yes I do celebrate the fact that I have gone several days without feeling that any moment the person I love and cherish might end her existence. I also celebrate the fact that I can feel self reliant, that I can enjoy time for myself without being accused by her as being selfish. I can celebrate the fact that she is in safe hands with her parents who could better ensure she doesn't harm herself than I. I can also enjoy finding myself again after being swallowed up by her problems. This relationship has, in the words of my therapist, been emotionally abusive and that has not been by my actions except that I have become under assertive as a result of trying to protect her eggshell-thin emotions which apparently has only fuelled her maladaptive behaviour.

I do not see that there has been anything unethical about my actions, I am certain that I have done the best thing for her first and then myself second and I think I have my priorities spot on in that. I feel good... sure I miss her but the positive feeling outways the negative. Firstly I know now that she is safe. Also I needed a break from the stress and tension of the relationship or I was going to have to end the relationship... faced with that choice I know my actions have been right.

Already there has been some positive results, she has been prescribed a new course of anti-depressants, she has seen a new psychologist and is getting counselling, she has said sorry to me in what may be only the third time in a four year relationship, she has decided to live and try and repair our relationship and she is making an appointment for us to get relationship counselling together. For someone who days ago was saying they had nothing to live for, that there was nothing good in life, that nothing could help them feel better and that the only solution was to end their pain by killing themselves I think the result speaks well.

Now I just have to work out how soon for my own emotions and stress I can have her return home so that I can support her attempt at recovery.

This thread about our problems earlier http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=34670 might help a bit for those unable to understand my situation.


Don't use your health issues to make excuses..... and don't make fun of hers... I don't find it amusing, I don't find it funny and I most certainly do think you are selfish!!!

Umm... this comment confuses me. Exactly how have I used my health as any sort of excuse? At what point have I made fun of her health issue? I don't see anything I've written that looks at all 'funny' to me. I said 'how dastardly of me' in that I was accused of being bad for inadvertantly saving her life. Well if saving her life makes me cruel or bad or selfish I'll hapilly be labeled such! Can you imagine what it's like to spend hours fruitlessly while every friend and family member available tries to convince someone not to kill themselves? To know that if you didn't call them that they would only have had a vague awreness that something was wrong till after she was dead? To be accussed as being selfish for involving them? To have to call the police on your partner?

Now I don't know if our relationship can work, but at least she is alive, she has a good chance to get better and we can try.

[kerrianna]

I'm glad to hear things are stabilizing on both sides, batty.

I was in a similar relationship (my first love!:rolleyes: ) many, many years ago. I was too young to know what was happening, but the very real threat of suicide from my GF was always a trump card she held. Only now, from a distance I can see what a mess the whole thing was. I was contantly trying to rescue her and it damaged me deeply. We're actually good old friends now.

Sometimes things don't come across in writing the way you meant them - I think some people thought you were being flippant about the whole thing and only concerned with the crossdressing. My own life experience made me read your post a different way.

I wish both you and your partner the best. :love:

[Diana West]

I have a very dear friend who wife was manic depressive. (She's still alive but not married to each other.) He told me horrific tales of their life together. But he stayed with her irregardless.
One night she had to been hospitalized because of her mental condition. He told me how for the first times in years he was able to sit down and read in peace. That's when he knew the marriage was over. Imagine not being able to do a simple thing as reading a book

These simple things that we take for granted, being able to read a book at night in peace for example, are denied to others in such a situation.

We cannot understand what it is to live a life like that on either end. Realize that it will be struggle. And if you can accept that, you're a better man than I.

[Amanda Jane]

you do not need to say i'm sorry to anyone here / much less justify yourself to them / god gave you your life / it is not yours to give to anyone / or to promise to anyone