What is your Gender Disphoria like?

[Maggie Kay]

Since one of the aspects of TS is Gender Disphoria, I have wondered just what "symptoms" or characteristics go along with that condition. According to my understanding, the condition relates to a set of emotional responses making ones physical gender hard to bear. I have a bunch of problems relating to the issue and wonder what others have experienced.
I'll start with one that I have. I avoid looking at the bits between my legs. They look out of place on me. It disturbs me when I have to see that incongruity.

Could others post some of their issues with GD?

I am concerned that is this request is not appropriate for this forum. If so, I ask the moderator to delete the thread.

[ToyGirl]

Hi Kay Gender dysphoria is the basis to all transsexuals so your post is in the correct place IMO.

I got diagnosed with it after seeing a psychs for 6 months about another issue.

Just hatred of anything that involved me being labeled as male or expected to do male tasks , or go to places that were designated for males. It's something i have to deal with everyday , though its getting better now that im going through transition. (i dont think it will ever be completly gone though)

[CaptLex]

I am concerned that is this request is not appropriate for this forum. If so, I ask the moderator to delete the thread.
So far it's fine, Kay.

As for me . . . looking in the mirror, particularly while naked, is very hard - there's nothing to hide the truth then. I also hate, hate, hate being treated like a female . . . that one is hard to explain. I guess I mean the extra sweetness that comes along when one is perceived as female - being treated like a delicate flower (like I'm going to break) and called endearing names like "sweetie", "honey", etc. Makes me feel like I'm a child or incapable of taking care of things myself. :rolleyes:

Also been having a hard time lately with the restroom situation - I get anxiety if I have to go into a ladies room, but also get nervous about being busted in the mens room. I haven't even been back to the gym in months, 'cause I don't want to face the locker room. There's more stuff, but you get the idea.

[GypsyKaren]

Hi Kay

Nothing wrong with this at all, in fact it's a very good question. It's hard for me to describe how it makes me feel, I mean I don't care for my appearance and such, but what really sticks out is that I just feel "off". It's like my timing chain keeps stretching and jumping teeth, I'm getting more and more out of synch. I don't feel "right" is all...hard to explain.

Karen

[suzy]

Well, this question appears to be way over my head. I don't know of any gender dysphoria that I have..... On the contrary.. I have gender euphoria, which manifests itself when I am able to dress and get into the feminine mode. I love the feminine side of me and I love the masculine side of me, just at different times and to different degrees... Does that make sense?:2c: :hugs:

[Maggie Kay]

These answers are the kind of thing that got my interest. I'm also interested in things like:

How do you handle interactions with members of your birth gender? Can you join in their groups e.g. hobbies, sports, chats around the water cooler etc.

Do you have a group of people that you chum around with who know of your gender issues?

Do you avoid going out in public so as to minimize exposure your gender issues?

Do you become withdraw and become introverted, non communicative with family and friends?

When you wear gender appropriate clothes do you get depressed? Do you wear nice drab clothes or ratty old stuff because it doesn't matter anyway.?

Do you have nightmares about gender issues or body images? Variations of the naked in public dreams...

Do you find jokes that people tell about the opposite sex offensive but feel compelled to laugh with the crowd anyway?

Ever have to bite your lip when the other GG's talk about cosmetics, clothes or personal care issues that you may know more about? If so, does that make you feel isolated because you cannot join in as an equal? Or if you do say something and are dismissed because you are not a GG, do you just die a little inside?

Even though it is dangerous, do you self medicate for gender change at any level? Does it help?

How do you cope with others who think that this condition is a choice?

BTW Suzy, I would pay for that attitude! To me this is like on a sliding down on a slippery slope, constantly trying to stay upright. A one way trip.

[Just Plain Kay]

Gender dysphoria for me was having matters of gender in the forefront of my mind all the time, superseding all other concerns.

It was the need to change everything about myself that I perceived to be non-feminine to conform to the mental image I had of myself. Body hair had to go, nails had to be long and shaped, electrolysis had to be started, etc., etc.

It was being convinced that I could look enough like a woman to pass in public - and testing that theory at every opportunity.

It was accepting the fact that I was on the way to changing my body and living as female, and committing to a hormone regimen.

And, oddly, in my case it was mostly a chemically-based illusion. When I started using estrogen, the dysphoria faded to the back of my mind. I now see myself as someone whose mental gender is mixed or fluid but whose natural physical state is male. I have not "crossdressed" in about six years and have felt no urge to do so. At 6' 2" and 200+ pounds, I cannot see myself looking to others like anything but a male.

I got off at one of the least-known stops on the gender railroad, but I did find peace of mind.

[Sierra Evon]

my sex is not my gender, so thierfor I identify my gender as female and , but I was just born male, makes clear sense to me !!!! :thumbsup:

[L.E.J.]

For me living with a male body is lousy. I have always wished to be a female (since age 4). I had a bit of a breakdown last year as I could not deal with it any longer. I decided then and there to start correcting my problems by coming out to a few people, changing more wardrobe to an exclusively feminine one, etc). It has helped things VERY SLIGHTLY but once I start therapy and hopefully I can get on HRT this year, then things will start to get better.

[Sarahgurl371]

These answers are the kind of thing that got my interest. I'm also interested in things like:

How do you handle interactions with members of your birth gender? Can you join in their groups e.g. hobbies, sports, chats around the water cooler etc.

I avoid them. I have never felt like one of the guys. Never into sports, hunting etc.

Do you have a group of people that you chum around with who know of your gender issues?

NO

Do you avoid going out in public so as to minimize exposure your gender issues?

Absolutley

Do you become withdraw and become introverted, non communicative with family and friends?

Absloutley. I am alone

When you wear gender appropriate clothes do you get depressed? Do you wear nice drab clothes or ratty old stuff because it doesn't matter anyway.?

I don't really care about my male clothes or appearance.

Do you have nightmares about gender issues or body images? Variations of the naked in public dreams...

NO

Do you find jokes that people tell about the opposite sex offensive but feel compelled to laugh with the crowd anyway?

Everytime

Ever have to bite your lip when the other GG's talk about cosmetics, clothes or personal care issues that you may know more about? If so, does that make you feel isolated because you cannot join in as an equal? Or if you do say something and are dismissed because you are not a GG, do you just die a little inside?

I always act disinterested when really I am very interested.

Even though it is dangerous, do you self medicate for gender change at any level? Does it help?

Haven't gotten here yet

How do you cope with others who think that this condition is a choice?

Get mad, attempt to justify myself all the time, mostly to myself because I am too sacred to tell. Or I take the once removed approach in conversation, like I am such a great person or something, that I am just so accepting of everyone, when really I have an agenda, and I hate having an agenda

BTW Suzy, I would pay for that attitude! To me this is like on a sliding down on a slippery slope, constantly trying to stay upright. A one way trip.

Just scratching the surface now.

[Siobhan Marie]

Kay to answer your post, I've used your questions and have answered them as I feel that this is the only way I can answer you. I just really hope you don't mind and aren't cross with me.

:hugs: Anna Marie x

How do you handle interactions with members of your birth gender? Can you join in their groups e.g. hobbies, sports, chats around the water cooler etc.

No, I don't and I don't feel that I can as I feel that I am really bad at being male. Although there are some sports that I like, I just choose to keep that information to myself.

Do you have a group of people that you chum around with who know of your gender issues?

No, I don't as I'm a loner and that is through choice.

Do you avoid going out in public so as to minimize exposure your gender issues?

No, I don't I just carry on as I normally do and go about my daily business just as I always have done and keep myself to myself and always will do. If people find that they can't deal with me when I do eventually go full time then that is down to them. I am not hiding myself away for anyone.

Do you become withdrawn and become introverted, non communicative with family and friends?

Before I came out to my parents as being transsexual, I found it very hard to be around them, couldn't relax, didn't want to talk to them, couldn't talk to them. As for friends, I don't have any as I'm a loner by choice.

When you wear gender appropriate clothes do you get depressed? Do you wear nice drab clothes or ratty old stuff because it doesn't matter anyway.?

I still dress in drab as I'm still presenting as a male and take care to look nice and tidy. Although I do wear women's underwear and sleep in nightdresses. I do this because this is where I am at the moment.

Do you have nightmares about gender issues or body images? Variations of the naked in public dreams...

No, I don't have those nightmares, although looking at my naked body in the mirror does bother me but doesn't leave me feeling distressed because I know deep down that in time something will be done about it.

Do you find jokes that people tell about the opposite sex offensive but feel compelled to laugh with the crowd anyway?

I personally do find those jokes offensive and no I don't feel and and have never felt compelled to laugh with the crowd.

Ever have to bite your lip when the other GG's talk about cosmetics, clothes or personal care issues that you may know more about? If so, does that make you feel isolated because you cannot join in as an equal? Or if you do say something and are dismissed because you are not a GG, do you just die a little inside?

I do have to bite my lip and find it very hard to deal with and feel very isolated and part of me does die inside as I'd love to join in the conversation, but I know that I can't and daren't.

Even though it is dangerous, do you self medicate for gender change at any level? Does it help?

I would never self medicate for gender issues because for me its very dangerous to do as you could cause irreparable damage to your body. For me it's the wrong way to go about it.

How do you cope with others who think that this condition is a choice?

There will always be people who don't know or don't understand us. I generally ignore them and let them get on with it as that's my way of coping with things. The few people who do know about me and my problems do ask me questions and I do take the time to answer them as best as I can.

[Jena11]

How do you handle interactions with members of your birth gender? Can you join in their groups e.g. hobbies, sports, chats around the water cooler etc.
Most of the time no, I rarely do anything with guys. If I do I can only take it for a few hours. Then I am not happy with it.Do you have a group of people that you chum around with who know of your gender issues?

Do you avoid going out in public so as to minimize exposure your gender issues? No, I do not think so, I recently moved to South Florida and do not really know anyone so I spend too much time by myself.

Do you become withdraw and become introverted, non communicative with family and friends? Yes, sometimes.

When you wear gender appropriate clothes do you get depressed? Yes, I always have and still do. I have no problem spending $ 40.00 on a bra but It just kills me to spend that much on some guy pants or shoes.Do you wear nice drab clothes or ratty old stuff because it doesn't matter anyway.? Both, I am mostly a casual person but I wear women's jeans all the time and shorts.

Do you have nightmares about gender issues or body images? Variations of the naked in public dreams... Yes, I have since a very young age. I have dreams of what it would be like to be a girl

Do you find jokes that people tell about the opposite sex offensive but feel compelled to laugh with the crowd anyway? Yes, but I am not offended very easy when it is made as a joke, if it is a real thought or feeling it will bother me.
Ever have to bite your lip when the other GG's talk about cosmetics, clothes or personal care issues that you may know more about? Yes, at work with my friends that know it is never an issue. If so, does that make you feel isolated because you cannot join in as an equal? Or if you do say something and are dismissed because you are not a GG, do you just die a little inside? of course it makes me feel left out and like I do not belong or fit in which has been the norm for my entire life.
Even though it is dangerous, do you self medicate for gender change at any level? Does it help? Yes, thought about it.

How do you cope with others who think that this condition is a choice? I do not know anyone that thinks that. that is a good thing for me.

A couple more things about me. my phyc. wanted me to look in the mirror at myself and tell her what I see. I did not like this because I do not want to see male parts on me. The most difficult time or change was when I was about 13 and starting getting an adam's apple, I was very upset and depressed about it for quite some time. My mom just did not get it when I tried to talk to her about it. I wish I would have been able to get help then.

[ToyGirl]

These answers are the kind of thing that got my interest. I'm also interested in things like:

How do you handle interactions with members of your birth gender? Can you join in their groups e.g. hobbies, sports, chats around the water cooler etc.

Do you have a group of people that you chum around with who know of your gender issues?

Do you avoid going out in public so as to minimize exposure your gender issues?

Do you become withdraw and become introverted, non communicative with family and friends?

When you wear gender appropriate clothes do you get depressed? Do you wear nice drab clothes or ratty old stuff because it doesn't matter anyway.?

Do you have nightmares about gender issues or body images? Variations of the naked in public dreams...

Do you find jokes that people tell about the opposite sex offensive but feel compelled to laugh with the crowd anyway?

Ever have to bite your lip when the other GG's talk about cosmetics, clothes or personal care issues that you may know more about? If so, does that make you feel isolated because you cannot join in as an equal? Or if you do say something and are dismissed because you are not a GG, do you just die a little inside?

Even though it is dangerous, do you self medicate for gender change at any level? Does it help?

How do you cope with others who think that this condition is a choice?

BTW Suzy, I would pay for that attitude! To me this is like on a sliding down on a slippery slope, constantly trying to stay upright. A one way trip.

I don't mind interaction with males , as long as they treat me in the correct way and keep the conversation appropriate. Conversations degrading women or about poor treatment of women were a particular sore spot.

Im pretty recluse at the moment , but was quite out there when i was living as a boy (though id have rather stayed at home i think)

I have some friends that knew of my gender issues , and they would try there best to accomodate me.

Ive allways been a introvert so i don't know.

I hated boys clothes i never tried to look nice as a boy. Ripped and ragged old faded clothes. Though looking feral probably helped me to fit in.

Yes i occasionaly dream about transition related things ,like noticing i have a skirt on , when talking to someone i have not come out to in the waking world. Also dreams related to passing.

As far as offensive jokes go , ive allways done my best to stand up for women or anyone else. Turning the joke on the jokee' with wit , is a hobby.

Pre transition i used to avoid cosmetic counters and clothes stores like the plague. I knew if i went to those places i would never return.

I am in no way self medicated.

[melissaK]

My dysphoria is most acute with mirrors - my whole life I dont' get my self image in a mirror. I posted on that once and not too many mentioned a concern with mirrors. Capt Lex is apparantly a kindred soul in that regard. The other area it's acute is every morning getting dressed for work. After the under wear, it's putting on prision garb. And, womens department stores - I can hardly go in - because its what I want soooooo badly.


These answers are the kind of thing that got my interest. I'm also interested in things like:

How do you handle interactions with members of your birth gender? Can you join in their groups e.g. hobbies, sports, chats around the water cooler etc.

I never got the male cameraderie thing in my whole life. I'm ok w/guys one on one, but groups start conversations going in a male bonding direction and I am soon out of place and I don't fit in. This has caused me great concern my whole life. I know all about sports, guns, cars, tools, home repairs and I can talk the subjects, but I can't goof around with the guys. But, I can hang with girls all day.

Do you have a group of people that you chum around with who know of your gender issues?

No. Only a few know. Working on changing this.

Do you avoid going out in public so as to minimize exposure your gender issues?

No. I've been very self conscious all my life. So I just go out.

Do you become withdraw and become introverted, non communicative with family and friends?

No. The main ones (SO, SO's brother) know. I can get marginalized in a conversation if anyone derides cross dressers or anyone with a minority sexual presentation.

When you wear gender appropriate clothes do you get depressed? Do you wear nice drab clothes or ratty old stuff because it doesn't matter anyway.?

LIke I said, its like donning prison garb. Still I try to dress nice always. melissa is me. I dress nice even if its not in clothes of choice.

Do you have nightmares about gender issues or body images? Variations of the naked in public dreams...

not recently.

Do you find jokes that people tell about the opposite sex offensive but feel compelled to laugh with the crowd anyway?

Cruel jokes - I don't laugh. I call them out on their bad morals for telling it. (DOH, no wonder the guys don't bond with me - I act like their mother.) But if the joke is truly funny I laugh.

Ever have to bite your lip when the other GG's talk about cosmetics, clothes or personal care issues that you may know more about? If so, does that make you feel isolated because you cannot join in as an equal? Or if you do say something and are dismissed because you are not a GG, do you just die a little inside?

I just jump in. Heck, I'm a big know it all so few are surprised I know cosmetics and perfumes too. And I love girl talk and am not about to pass it up.

Even though it is dangerous, do you self medicate for gender change at any level? Does it help?

Yes. Yes.

How do you cope with others who think that this condition is a choice?

I can't. I have enough trouble with myself on that one.

[CaptLex]

How do you handle interactions with members of your birth gender? Can you join in their groups e.g. hobbies, sports, chats around the water cooler etc.
Like Melissa said, one-on-one I'm fine, but in a large group of women I feel very uncomfortable and start looking for the nearest exit. I didn't even realize until recently that most of my female friends growing up are not at all girly. I have a two female friends that are girly, and I don't feel completely comfortable with them. Coincidentally (or probably not), these are the same two who are having the hardest time accepting my transition and using my pronouns.


Do you have a group of people that you chum around with who know of your gender issues?
Yes, all of my friends and co-workers know - with varying degrees of acceptance.


Do you avoid going out in public so as to minimize exposure your gender issues?
Mostly, I don't have a problem with it, but once in a while I'll have a bad day where I really don't want to leave the house 'cause I don't want to deal with the certainty that someone will call me "ma'am" and the frustration of having to use a public restroom.


Do you become withdraw and become introverted, non communicative with family and friends?
Not really with friends, but I'm not able to be out to my family, so when I have to go visit my (elderly and sick) mother, I have to be sure I at least shave my stubble and don't use anything that will call obvious attention to my transitioning. She's always seen me as a butch female anyway, so she's not surprised by my clothes, short hair, etc. - but she probably thinks I've had the same "cold" for many months now. :p


When you wear gender appropriate clothes do you get depressed? Do you wear nice drab clothes or ratty old stuff because it doesn't matter anyway.?
Even when I wore female clothes (though they were male-styled, not skirts, dresses or heels), I always tried to look nice. As long as it's male-styled shoes, shirts, etc., I'm fine, even if it's from the women's department. If I ever had to wear skirts or heels, it was beyond uncomfortable and caused anxiety attacks.


Do you have nightmares about gender issues or body images? Variations of the naked in public dreams...
Rarely anymore, but I used to - especially when I first started coming to terms with my TG issues.


Do you find jokes that people tell about the opposite sex offensive but feel compelled to laugh with the crowd anyway?
Depends on the spirit in which the joke is told. I won't tolerate any kind of hateful bashing in my presence (against anyone), but if it's not mean-spirited and has some truth to it, I'm usually not offended.


Ever have to bite your lip when the other GG's talk about cosmetics, clothes or personal care issues that you may know more about? If so, does that make you feel isolated because you cannot join in as an equal? Or if you do say something and are dismissed because you are not a GG, do you just die a little inside?
I feel lucky that I can jump right into any conversation about just about anything, with men and women, as I usually know what both sides are talking about. Except when either one talks about hot girls, as I have the opposite attraction. Love to talk about hot guys, though. :devil:


Even though it is dangerous, do you self medicate for gender change at any level? Does it help?
Before I started on T, I tried the herbal type for a couple of months to give me an idea what I could expect, and to help me decide if this was what I really wanted. It did help, but the real thing is much better.


How do you cope with others who think that this condition is a choice?
If the person is somewhat open-minded and interested in learning otherwise, I'll usually try to educate and dispel myths and misinformation. If the person is too much of a jerk to care that they've got it wrong, I just keep on walking.

Good questions. I hope the answers are helpful.

[Tiff_ts]

For me my biggest issues aren't with the dangly bits, but with my physical appearance and just the way I live my life. I'm generally depressed and cry a lot, and usually cringe at the way I do things. I detest looking in the mirror also. My figure is quite feminine, but the face I see is not something I like at all.


How do you handle interactions with members of your birth gender? Can you join in their groups e.g. hobbies, sports, chats around the water cooler etc.
I'm usually interacting with plenty of guys. A couple of them in the group will always be a lot like me, so I can usually get along. When I can lead the conversation (and I usually do, I'm jokester) then I can be part of the conversation just find. Otherwise topics can turn pretty sour or just to something I'm not used to. We usually don't share hobbies and I am the worst sports player alive. I'll occasionally follow some sports to have things to talk about because more than just the guys have something to say, but if it delves too deeply can't really stand for long in such situations.

Do you have a group of people that you chum around with who know of your gender issues?
No friends that I can keep in touch with here know. I recently moved.

Do you avoid going out in public so as to minimize exposure your gender issues?
Going out scares me a lot. I won't feel comfortable enough to do that again until I've lived in the role for a while. I have gone out with friends before, but since I departed that'll be more difficult.

Do you become withdraw and become introverted, non communicative with family and friends?
I have lately. I came out to my mom, and she seems to beat around the bush about trying to get me to bring it up, but since the holidays are over I'm planning on talking pretty soon. I have become quite distant with my dad. My brother and I are a lot closer, but that's just because we're back under the same roof.

When you wear gender appropriate clothes do you get depressed? Do you wear nice drab clothes or ratty old stuff because it doesn't matter anyway.?
I haven't dressed since April of last year, and the frequency of it all reduced too much for any sort of standard to have been set. I need my own clothes!

Do you have nightmares about gender issues or body images? Variations of the naked in public dreams...
I used to. Now my dreams are the same simple, random dreams I always have.

Do you find jokes that people tell about the opposite sex offensive but feel compelled to laugh with the crowd anyway?
It always depended for me. A lot of the time I hear gender "jokes" that aren't jokes at all. They're more like bitching because somebody of the opposite sex angered that person. Whether that was done to males or females I always got really defensive. Aside from that I didn't care much unless it was those "that time of month.." jokes, to which I only replied with eye rolling.

Ever have to bite your lip when the other GG's talk about cosmetics, clothes or personal care issues that you may know more about? If so, does that make you feel isolated because you cannot join in as an equal? Or if you do say something and are dismissed because you are not a GG, do you just die a little inside?
I don't know a great deal about cosmetics or clothes, but I have quite often had opinions that I wouldn't have said if I thought about it twice. Thing is, I always pitched in the thought anyway. That's why a lot of people assume I'm gay.

Even though it is dangerous, do you self medicate for gender change at any level? Does it help?
No. Too much risk involved for me. I want somebody who knows what they're doing to help me with that.

How do you cope with others who think that this condition is a choice?
I try to explain, but if that isn't possible then I respond to their ignorance with ignorance of my own... that of their existance.

[Joni Beauman]

Along the lines of general gender dysphoria: I was fascinated with the topic of "tucking" that came up a few weeks ago. I had not realized the cavity could be quite so handy and have been practicing rather routinely. Tuck the thing out of sight and keep it there. I like my A cup breasts, too (OK, with full effects of gravity - you get the idea).

I do not have any close male friends but work with many and can discuss some of the typical topics. However, the isolation I feel I have wondered if it is not related to my inability for males to satisfactorily relate to me. I must seem a bit off to most, I think. Speaking of being off. I am off on an expedition for a couple weeks with mostly males, a few females. I'll have to dig out the male underclothes, long since unused. Gotta build a levee deep inside.

It can be rather unsettling. Living in a world of arbitrary rules. Joni

[Maggie Kay]

I really appreciate your answers. We have an opportunity in this forum to compare our situations. This is very valuable. Being able to see that we share (or don't share) certain characteristics helps a lot in being able to come to terms with TS/TG. We do seem to share a sense of isolation that we transcend by being participants here. I for one couldn't feel comfortable saying the things I have said here in a real world support group. Facing people and seeing expressions/body language when opening my deepest concerns is terribly difficult for me.

I have all of the conditions in my questions. I do have nightmares about body issues and they are increasing as I confront my TG issues more and more lately. They are of the type that wakes me up crying. I sometimes cry or wimper in my sleep. I have retreated from male hobbies and sports because of the stress in trying to be "one of the guys". I have real problems finding a public restroom that I feel safe to go to making trips to the city very uncomfortable. Once, I refused to "go" as I was unable to find a suitable unisex place that I got cramps and spent the next day in bed. Now, I resign myself to drab clothes in trips and hate it so much that I don't want to take them. Yes, I self medicate but only with over the counter menopause meds and nothing that is prescription based. I have had my liver function checked and it is fine. The meds really help me from going crazy.

The bottom line on the page is that this condition of Gender Disphoria has me between a rock and a hard place. I am glad to know that others share some of the same things. I only hope that as I learn to adjust and cope with it, that the problems will abate.

Please if more would respond to their experiences I would be so grateful.

[Josie06]

These answers are the kind of thing that got my interest. I'm also interested in things like:

How do you handle interactions with members of your birth gender? Can you join in their groups e.g. hobbies, sports, chats around the water cooler etc.
Quite simply, I do not. Tammycd said it best - 'I have never felt like one of the boys'. Throughout my entire life I was just not interested or that good at being a "male". My thoughts, feelings and desires were always somewhere else. Frankly most men I've met need to be avoided. .

Do you have a group of people that you chum around with who know of your gender issues?
No. I am my own group as no one knows my true feelings. (Except you girls on this forum.)

Do you avoid going out in public so as to minimize exposure your gender issues?
Yes. I just do my daily work, to keep generating an income for my family, and that's it.

Do you become withdraw and become introverted, non communicative with family and friends?
Pretty much. We discuss their needs, not mine.

When you wear gender appropriate clothes do you get depressed? Do you wear nice drab clothes or ratty old stuff because it doesn't matter anyway.?
I wear casual trousers and shirtss clothes (suit & tie when necessary) to present a somewhat professional appearance on the job.

Do you have nightmares about gender issues or body images? Variations of the naked in public dreams...
No. My dreams have always tended to be good ones, like my life as a woman.

Do you find jokes that people tell about the opposite sex offensive but feel compelled to laugh with the crowd anyway?
Yes, unfortunately a slight smile and then I find a reason to walk away. I don't even know why I stopped anyway other than to be nice.

Ever have to bite your lip when the other GG's talk about cosmetics, clothes or personal care issues that you may know more about? If so, does that make you feel isolated because you cannot join in as an equal? Or if you do say something and are dismissed because you are not a GG, do you just die a little inside?
Always. Would like to get involved, am interested ... but no. I live in a sea of estrogen ... married with four daughters. Even before them it was the same.

Even though it is dangerous, do you self medicate for gender change at any level? Does it help?
No. Never would, will seek a doctors help in that area.

How do you cope with others who think that this condition is a choice?
I keep it all inside. Once was a time I would try to explain but since it gets nowhere, why do it.


Oh, KayRenee as to your first question "I avoid looking at the bits between my legs. They look out of place on me. It disturbs me when I have to see that incongruity.". Yes always, always. It is not me. But I read somewhere that 'sex is between your legs and gender is between your ears.' I'll go with the between my ears ... until I can (fingers crossed) get the rest of me in line.

My needs do quite make the priority list at this time, maybe someday. My Mother once said I was like a duck on the pond ... calm above the surface but paddling like crazy underneath. I guess I'll just keep paddling, maybe against the flow, until i can finally go with it. My mind and my heart know the truth.

[Felix]

Well I'm gonna try to reply to this post again and hope I don't get kicked out.

I have a close group of friends some of which are gg and I can mix with them with no problem. Generally though I don't mix on a social level with many of the women at work cos It don't feel right and the vibes I get are negative.
My best mate at work knows about me and is great he is gay. The other close friends in the group probably suspect somethin, I have kinda talked to one about it and she seemed cool but haven't come out properly to her. No I don't avoid goin out and mixing I have been more in ppls faces lately introducing the idea of my new look at work more shirts and stuff cos usually I dress quite androgenously. I don't really like wearing girly things and I do get frustrated when I have to fem myself up to go to my parents. I don't suffer from nightmares. I like a laugh at jokes but I do find it difficult to join in when the girls at work are joking around and I feel I shouldn't join in. When the men do it I still feel I shouldn't join in, incase ppl get the wrong impression! I've never really been interested in cosmetics so that doesn't bother me but I do relate to that little bit inside that is the female side of me and that's a wiered feeling like I should be interested in this but I'm just not :eek: No I don't self medicate but if I could use herbal hormones I might.
I came across it for the first time last week and worse of all it was a close friend who I confided in. She said I should decide which way I wanted it and when I said have I confused her she tried to say she was joking and that it was her dry sense of humour. I was like oh yeah I must have just missed it. I knew she meant it cos it was the same as how lesbians see bi sexuals, fence sitters. She just doesn't understand I guess :(
Well I been real honest here guys and gals :heehee:

[michelle19845]

i am to the point i don't care to go out unless androgynous at the minimum bare.i am starting to hate men in general and reading the ir actions and making them feel small any time they make me mad or mistreet me cause i am so sensitive and emotional.i see both kinds of sex and i can read what kind of person someone is and tell the they're predictable and like everyone else in the world and they arren't important just to make them feel low about selves cause i know it will somewhat weather they show it or not is a differen't story.i am so sick of being lied to about things that my emotions are to where if someone lies to me i could do something back to give them a taste of what i am experiencing.i don't want to use any technology stuff or trinkets,i prefer to stay with clothes and decorative stuff like the older female style of life was.everytime i've tried for a male thing in life it is tremendously hard and a breakdown for me with no success.i can't socialize with certain people cause there is nothing what so ever to talk about cause i have such a femme life.i am asked about movies guys watch and i say huh? they say you gotta be kidden ,you haven't seen that? i have no fitting in with people who are about themselves or egos.i feel there isn't much to lose if i took something an extra step to get even with someone who screwed with me or if i did something extra unordinary to try to progress transition.
i do all i can to make my appearance more femme and practice which voice is the clearest femme voice and i spend time doing things towards breast growth and longer hair while waiting for hormones to start.pretty dedicated.

[AmberTG]

My therapist told me that the main symptom of gender dysphoria is depression. I've had depression all my adult life, I just didn't realise that it was depression, I thought it was ADD, but avter our first session she told me I don't come close to fitting the profile for ADD, but I fit most of the tests for clinical depression. I've been depressed long enough for it to mess up my brain chemistry. I've wished I was a girl sense I was about 14 or so. When I was pre-teen I guess I was a fairly normal boy, except my mother told me I was an emotional child, sensitive, you know. I think my issues came with puberty.
Anyway, I enjoy my hobbys and can talk to either men or women about them, they're fairly nutural, both men and women enjoy them. I enjoy the company of women more than men, manly men tend to intimidate me, I've never been very manly. I tend to be a bit reclusive, especially around my family, I don't interact with them much, my own fault. I've started becoming more interested in football lately, but then, my wife and her aunt are big football fans, and so are several other women I know.
I have never been comfortable with the face I see in the mirror, but when I see a bit of my mother or my sister in there, that helps me some.
I've been doing electrolysis for about 9 months now, but only about 2 hours per month, money issues, so it's going to take a while to finish that.
I do self medicate, with herbals and reciently with the addition of spiro at 75 mg per day. I don't take estrogen, mostly because I can't afford to buy it. I would take a low dose to start with and have my doctor monitor my liver functions, etc. The herbals were working for me, just slower than I wanted, my body is quite resistant. My therapist knows that I'm self-medicating, she had me go to the Milwaukee VA hospital last summer to talk to the Endo on staff there, but he didn't think I was mentally ready for it at that time. I can't force him to say yes.

[Marcie Sexton]

I really hadn't considered it until I read some of the threads. Like most, I feel comfortable in y current life, however I "do not" like looking at myself in a mirrow...My wife has a full length one in the bath where she can primp after getting dressed, I will avoid looking into it after getting out of the shower at all costs. Perhaps its because I don't have that "proto-typical" male ego wanting to see how big I am or wanting to sling that thing around like a weapon...Converserly I will for minutes will give myself a once over throughly aftr I am fully dressed as Marcie, to insure that every thing meets my approval.

You've provided me some food for thought...in you girls best opinion, what do you think...Personally, yes I do have a type of gender disp.:2c:

Thanks for the fodder...something to mull over, but not worry about, currently I am happy with my life...although like any woman woorth her salt always subject to change her mind.

[AmberTG]

Marci, one of the things about gender dysphoria is that when you do something positive about the problem, the dysphoria tends to diminish. Dysphoria is basicly an unhappyness to a situation over time that leads to things like depression and withdrawal from active life. When you finally start to do something positive about the situation, it lessens the effects of the dysphoria.
You can have dysphoria from many different things, not just gender. For instance, if you have a job for a number of years and you really hate the job, after a while, that starts to negatively effect every other aspect of your life. That's dysphoria.

[Sarahgurl371]

Thinking about this thread over the last couple days I could have written a book if my hands could go that fast, now that I sit here, my thoughts escape me.

Anybody have an issue with their physical features that do not look femme? Stuff like your hands and shoulders that there is no surgery for. My thoughts seem to keep progressing into "I could transition if only I had ........" with regards to my anatomy. Meaning that my hands would always look like a guys hands etc.

I am in a place where I will not let myself make changes to my body. I know if I do that I won't want to stop and I haven't gotten to self acceptance yet. -- I feel good when dressed and my wife says that alot of my mannerisms are feminine, which she can't stand. But when I must exist in my "regular" guy world, I have many issues with the fact that I want this so badly. And then I try to make sure I hide those mannerisms. So that war is always going on. So I guess that for me part of the dysphoria is how to reconcile the life I have built with the one I want? Feeling like everyone will take things away from me because I am this way. So my dysphoria has caused me to totally seclude myself. When I am with family or aquaintences, I really hold back, too afraid to let people in.

At many times, I feel as though there is no way out. No way to deal with this. Whatever way I go, there are consequences. So yeah, the war rages.

As far as the mirror image, I guess its a nice "male" body. Its just not what I want to see. Alot of the time I see the girl in my face and wonder how no one else does. I have begun to see even this "male" body as female in the mirror. Mentally blocking out the "masculine" stuff. Gee now I sound mental. Just when i catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I can see a female shape with certain parts. And I like it.

I guess part of what is holding back my acceptance of this is the fact that I like how I look and feel when en femme. Like I shouldn't like it or something. But I am just so aware of my body and body language when en femme, and sometimes I think I should just feel natural, or just feel nothing.

Do most people without gender dysophoria like the way they look and feel? Are we supposed to be that alert to ourselves and our bodies. Or is this another facet of TG/TS? Do they like the way they look and feel while wearing their gender appropriate clothing?

[Siobhan Marie]

My body as a rule doesn't bother me. I need to lose a lot of weight and I know that and I am currently doing something about it (I'm on a diet). There is one thing about my body that I hate and that is my body hair and I do shave that off. I will be getting my back waxed over time, that I don't like but at the moment although there's not much I can do about it. As I said when I answered Kay's questions looking at my naked body does bother me but it doesn't distress me as I know that something will done about it, ie surgery.

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[Lisa Maren]

Hi there

My realization of my (I'm now 99% sure) female gender identity evolved along emotional lines far before physical lines, but there are many different ways that people figure this out.

For me, I experienced things like always wanting to wear the pretty dress that pretty girl's wearing (with the tights and everything) while I was growing up along with being a very empathetic and emotional person (way more so than a typical GM). I love my emotions now and I choose music and movies based on what moves me more than anything else (nice lyrics are a plus) -- "moving me" can include thrilling me, mind you. I express my emotions through singing along to music (or playing music or writing music) and writing poetry, so I'm very expressive indeed.

I long to grow my hair long and I think that for the first time, I may not let my body hair grow back come summer time. I don't like my body hair anymore, and I hate shaving my face. I would love to have a nice mani and pedi and keep my digits looking pretty.

Then there are other things, like when I was in summer camp during ages 10-15 those days were the happiest of my life -- they were also the only days when I behaved in a rather feminine manner without fear of being reprimanded for doing so.

I'm kind of jumping around, but I had several different kinds of hints along the way that have led me to my tentative conclusion that I identify as female.

Now I need to talk to a specialist.

Best of luck with your journey!

Hugs,
Lisa

[cindianna_jones]

I completed my transition nearly twenty years ago. So my answers reflect my current thinking. I think this is a good thing for you to get a feeling of what happens to someone after they have been through it all.

How do you handle interactions with members of your birth gender? Can you join in their groups e.g. hobbies, sports, chats around the water cooler etc.

Yes. I'm fine with all of that. I enjoy talking with men and women. I never really had a problem with this before hand however.

Do you have a group of people that you chum around with who know of your gender issues?

While I have lifelong friends who are TG/TS, they are not part of the group I socialize on a frequent basis. My best friend was TS and transistioned a couple years after me. We talk and exchange emails but only get to see each other 3 or 4 times a year. My current list of friends do not know.

Do you avoid going out in public so as to minimize exposure your gender issues?

No. I have no gender issues. I don't go to fancy events much because I don't like to get dressed up. Before my transition, that's all I dreamed about. Now, I don't care. I do perform fairly frequently and I dress nicely fro that.

Do you become withdraw and become introverted, non communicative with family and friends?

I did before, now I'm the opposite. I'm very open and talkative. Sometimes people get tired of listening to me!

When you wear gender appropriate clothes do you get depressed? Do you wear nice drab clothes or ratty old stuff because it doesn't matter anyway.?

No. That's cause I wear whatever I want whenever I want. Mostly it's jeans and tees.

Do you have nightmares about gender issues or body images? Variations of the naked in public dreams...

This was very common for me and even for years after my surgery. About 7 years ago, they quit playing. Now I just have the standard nightmares that everyone else has.

Do you find jokes that people tell about the opposite sex offensive but feel compelled to laugh with the crowd anyway?

If something is funny, I enjoy it. If it is inappropriate, I let people know. I never let any comment slide that is hurtul.

Ever have to bite your lip when the other GG's talk about cosmetics, clothes or personal care issues that you may know more about? If so, does that make you feel isolated because you cannot join in as an equal? Or if you do say something and are dismissed because you are not a GG, do you just die a little inside?

No. This is not a problem for me. It never has been.

Even though it is dangerous, do you self medicate for gender change at any level? Does it help?

No. I would never do this. The potential for liver damage is to high.

How do you cope with others who think that this condition is a choice?

I tell them it is a choice like breathing is a choice for them. I also tell them that it has nothing to do with sexual acts or desires.

I'm happy to elaborate on any comment... just let me know with a more specific question.

Chin up!

Cindi

[Lisa Maren]

Cindi, I love your breathing analogy.

I used to say it's a choice with no options, but I like "it's a choice like breathing is a choice" a lot better!

Hugs,
Lisa

[Lauren B]

How do you handle interactions with members of your birth gender? Can you join in their groups e.g. hobbies, sports, chats around the water cooler etc.

I can chat sports with the best of them. I love them. I don't even really know why, because who wins and loses means nothing in the big picture, but anyway... I don't think that sports are necessarily a "guy" thing.

Do you have a group of people that you chum around with who know of your gender issues?

Nuh-uh. Not in "real life", anyway. A couple of dear friends online know, but that's it.

Do you avoid going out in public so as to minimize exposure your gender issues?

Not really. But then again, all I'm doing right now is growing out my hair, so it's not as if I'm obviously "gender ambiguous". I hope that by the time more changes become obvious, I'll be comfortable enough with myself where that won't be an issue.

Do you become withdraw and become introverted, non communicative with family and friends?

Yes. I have to get over that whole "If they REALLY knew about me, they'd drop me like a hot potato" thing I have going on.

When you wear gender appropriate clothes do you get depressed? Do you wear nice drab clothes or ratty old stuff because it doesn't matter anyway.?

I do get a little depressed, even though women's clothes "feel right". I guess it's because I feel like I'm not in a position to wear them all the time, so it's like "playing dressup". My drab clothes- they're only as nice as they have to be for me to get by.

Do you have nightmares about gender issues or body images? Variations of the naked in public dreams...

I haven't had any in a while. I used to have dreams where I would find myself in women's clothes around my former in-laws, who knew nothing about my gender issues. It was so weird- in those dreams, they interacted with me like nothing was different.

Do you find jokes that people tell about the opposite sex offensive but feel compelled to laugh with the crowd anyway?

No, I don't laugh at those kinds of jokes. Jokes that aim to hurt just aren't funny, and I don't care who knows that I feel that way.

Ever have to bite your lip when the other GG's talk about cosmetics, clothes or personal care issues that you may know more about? If so, does that make you feel isolated because you cannot join in as an equal? Or if you do say something and are dismissed because you are not a GG, do you just die a little inside?

Oh yeah. I am very conscious of not coming across like I know "too much".

Even though it is dangerous, do you self medicate for gender change at any level? Does it help?

I wouldn't even consider it. I'm not a doctor, and self-medicating isn't worth the risk of permanent liver damage.

How do you cope with others who think that this condition is a choice?

I tolerate them:D Seriously, I just try to get across that no one that didn't feel they HAD to deal with this certainly wouldn't choose to.

[Sarahgurl371]

How about anger? Anger that I have to deal with this all. Anger that it won't go away. Anger that I wasn't born female. Anger that for the sake of every one around me I cannot just do what I want to do. Angry at myself for being what I feel is selfish, self absorbed.

Frustration. Frustration at the confusion whirling around in my mind, and what to do about it. Seems I cannot step outside my head and see clearly. Frustration that I do not look like I want too. Frustration with the rest of the world. I have been frustrated since I can remember. Never able to just calm down and relax. I really hate feeling this way. I really hate not being able to get a handle on this. That just adds to the frustration. Frustration with people very close to me who DO NOT accept this/me. I am the same person I have always been. Now I am just aware of what is going on inside, and so are they. They think It makes me different now.

Fear. Fear of the future. What will it hold? I am in a place where I don't want to stay. But it seems I am immobilized by the fear of "what if" no matter which road I "choose." I have realized thru introspection that I have suffered from fear my whole life. I "knew" years ago that I had alot of fear. But always thought it was some other psychological condition. I have realized that My Fears result from my T issues. "Because I have these desires, Bad things will happen to others I love." Makes for a long day thinking this way.

Envy. Being this way, and not dealing with it real well, makes me envious of people who are "just themselves" and not afraid to show it. The out homosexual, the TS who follows her dreams, the Freak who doesn't care what other will think about them. Envy of the freedom that comes with self acceptance and self confidence.

Jealousy. Jealous of most all the real people in the world. Jealous of the GGs, whom I just want to be. Even jealous of the GMs who are themselves and never had to ask these questions of themselves.

I guess this post is dealing with some very "negative" thoughts and emotions that I feel from living with gender dysphoria. This bothers me because this is not the person I know myself to be. This is not how I want to be in the world. It bothers me because I think these negative emotions come from my "uniqueness" and my "awareness" of it. I know they come about because of it. It seems I can find some of the worst of human traits within myself because this exists in me. I shouldn't be, don't want to be, Angry, Frustrated, Envious, Jealous. So I spend alot of time daily staving off these thoughts as well.

I have read many times of how T people become so much "better, well grounded, whole, happy" people once they deal with this all and are true with themselves. I HOPE that is the case, and will be the case with me once I finally get past this all.

[Lauren B]

The one thing that I have to say bugs me the most about it all is that I feel that my gender issues consume so much of my energy, and that I have become so self-absorbed. I sometimes feel like I have nothing to give other people because I am pouring so much energy into figuring myself out.

[Linda Daniels]

All of you girls have my head spinning right now! Certainly I find myself consumed with the subject that we are talking about...and it is like some obsession for me. Looking back, I remember just hating growing hair and plucked it out...I've always disliked haveing my picture taken...always, and I never realized the reason! Now I find my boy parts an embarisment to me and I find that real breasts wouldn't be so bad at all...in fact I feel like if they just appeared it would be absolutely wonderful and I wouldn't have to deal with being a boy anymore...the dreams I have are of waking up one day and finding only female things in my closet so I would be forced (encouraged) not to pretend anymore...to anyone, including myself!

This hasn't been a structured answer, but I have a feeling that there will be some recognition out there...

Huggs to all...

Linda

[Maggie Kay]

Cindi,
It is really interesting to read your responses as they validate the notion that gender disphoria can be relieved. You are an inspiration and your efforts to help the rest of us is wonderful. Thank you for the hope you give.

Tanmmy,
I can certainly agree with your negative feelings too on the situation. The constant frustration that GD brings with it drives me insane. If it were not for family and social opposition to GD treatment, i.e. living as a woman, I'd be there. Even then though, the fact that I'll never be able to experience the trappings of a young woman and must be relegated to a matron status, makes me a bit sad. I see movies of Angelina Jolie, Dianna Rigg, Kate Beckensale and can only sigh to have missed the opportunity to wear things and dress like they did. What would it be like to play golf or swim or hike in the mountains as a vital young woman? At any rate, having GD a condition that is nearly universally regarded as reflecting on my character instead of a malady is just about the cruelest slow burn that I can imagine. Every thing I do has to be examined to see if it will bring me criticism or back lash. Every day in every way, GD affects what I do and I too am "sick of it" but that doesn't make it go away. No, I still gotta put that bra on and go out there in that world, come what may. I envy the CD'ers in the CD forum. They seem to be having a whole lot more fun with it.

[Sarahgurl371]

At any rate, having GD a condition that is nearly universally regarded as reflecting on my character instead of a malady is just about the cruelest slow burn that I can imagine. .

What a very descriptive phrase.



Every thing I do has to be examined to see if it will bring me criticism or back lash. Every day in every way, GD affects what I do and I too am "sick of it" but that doesn't make it go away. No, I still gotta put that bra on and go out there in that world, come what may. I envy the CD'ers in the CD forum. They seem to be having a whole lot more fun with it.

I have often wondered how so many people seem to have such a good time with CDing. For me, it just brings more anguish, a feeling of fakeness. Yes, I feel good when I do, but taking it off brings it all back. What I mean to say is that it is a let down for sure to have to change back to Drab. But it while I am en femme I still see the maleness of my body which leads to depressing thoughts. Then I know that the mental games will start again.

There seems to be alot about this that I like. And there was a time many years ago that I was able to just "have fun" and forget about it, UNTIL the next time, except for the guilt that I just did it again. But if I were offered a Pill to make it all go away I wouldn't have taken it. As the years have progressed, and my desire has grown, I fing myself wishing I could just be a regular guy, or a CD who just enjoys it once in a while, I think that would be so much easier. I know that I can never be what I truly want to be, which is a girl, born that way, raised that way. So being stuck here somewhere in the middle and feeling all this crap everyday, Yes, I WOULD take the pill.

[jamie_44]

I am on the same page as Tammy's last thread. I also want to be something that is almost impossible for me, while dressed I am thinking - I wish I was totally female- with no male flaws showing. Taking the stuff off really hurts. I told my therapist I would like to be normal like the other guys at work and not have to deal with this huge issue. Sometimes I try to think I am normal and then there I am in the shower shaving legs, chest, arms, etc- not standard operating procedure for a guy. I can not seem to stop this male to female path I am travelling down. I started the hormones again because I thought that I was losing the little progress I had made toward femanizing. My wife feels sorry for me. The dysphoria is a very difficult life situation. I also would take a pill if it would allow me to be normal and not have to deal with this issue. Life is hard enough and the gender dysphoria makes it that much tougher.

[AmandaM]

I would take a pill to be either 100% male or 100% female. If I didn't have this confusion, I think I'd be much happier. I don't know how "regular people" ever get depressed or stressed! If I could choose? I'd take female.

[janedoe311]

I have spend weekends in bed because of it. Not sure how my wife deals with it. In any case I figure is ADD too, (Was seeing a physiologist and a psychiatrist for ADD and taking adderal). Much of what Amber said is me. I do not like what I see in the mirror and do not care for the thing down there except for standing up and peeing and to have kids and for my wife. I hate body hair and cannot stand to shave my face, always forget. Would love long hair and to wear dresses. I feel I should have breasts (feels like they are missing) and feel aggressive at using that thing on my wife, would perfer to feel something in me.

"Sick is it not?"

I can go on an on but I have said this before on other threads. Do not like repeating it, it is depressing.

I have two kids a wife and a house and a good job. I have to stay the way I am. My family comes first.

[Calliope]

The hair thing, yeh, that's dysphoric.

Remember Cronenberg's remake of The Fly where the guy is sprouting these enormous hairs all the time? That's looking at myself in the shower in the morning. Time-consuming, obsessive, it's a battle with the body. At least that is what I told my doctor and why I want those hormones. I could care less about having a foxy body - I'm not looking for anyone - but those hairs are alien agents bent on provoking my psyche!

Other stuff, too.
:bonk: