Need Advice!

[EmmaB GG]

To all the CD's reading this - my partner doesn't seem to have sorted it out in his mind how important this part of his life is to him - spends a lot of time supressing it after a period some years back when he lived as a woman and even started hormone treatment. That ended, for whatever reason, and he dealt with it seemingly fine until the past month or so when it's escalated to a point where he feels the need to go out & "present" himself to me, but at the same time doesn't want to, if that makes senses ...? Doesn't want to do it at home.

So, my question is - when you told your partner, had you sorted out in your mind how important CDing was to you & did you have any ideas as how you wanted it to fit into your married life, or were you as jumbled up as my SO is & how did you get through it? We're not married, though he has asked me & I said yes, but this is stopping us moving on towards that at the moment.

Thank you ....

[mellisa]

We both just let everything happen day by day, and she could see the difference dress openly around the house has made. Just ask her( mellisa's wife gg).

[EmmaB GG]

Hi Mellisa

We're not at the day-to-day stage yet because it's stuck inside him still, I just want to know how sorted out in your head it all was when you told your wife

[mellisa]

I was petrified!!! But I just told her and put on something sexy. I was very open to say exactly what I wanted to do, and that was dress. Not the make up and wigs. Does that help?

[Rebecca_Annette]

My first wife was the one who really introduced me to crossdressing, perhaps 18 years ago now. With her it was a 'sex' thing in the end.

One day she 'withdrew my priveleges'. All the clothes that she had bought for me had been removed, destroyed, dumped, sold. She told me that my crossdressing made her feel like a lesbian, and if I could not accept that than I could get out of the house.

Sixteen years later I did, no nothing to do with my transvestism. That stoped when she decreed it.

I got myself somewhere to live after I had heard the words 'If you don't do 'this' (whatever she wanted on that particular day), I want a divorce.

So, I left. The idea of being me again grew in my head, but I never had the courage to do it.

Then I met my current partner.

She is a widow, her late husband was gay, after his death she decided she was a lesbian, and had a lengthy same-sex relationship with a woman who was a violent alcoholic.

I fell in love with her, or at least I believed that I had, and we set up home together.

One night, after a few too many glasses of wine. I told her all about me.

Her initial reaction was all that I had could have hoped for.

We went shopping for clothes together, she told me what suited me and what did not. She even went as far as to tell me I looked 'gorgeous' sometimes.

Then one day, not a few weeks ago, she told me she no longer wanted to see me 'en femme' as it destroyed her femininity. She told me that I could continue to dress, but not in her presence.

I suppose that argument is par for the course for many?

Anyway, that's how it started for me

[EmmaB GG]

Yes, thanks. My partner hasn't sorted out what and where he wants to do, which makes it v hard to know how to move forward so for the moment, we're stuck in no man's land - I think that he has self image problems in the same way many people do, and there have been times when I've wondered if the CDing is one way of changing that, rather than it being a major part of his psyche. He is attracted CDing, but it shoudn't upset him that much, surely?

[TxKimberly]

My reasons for wanting to support are simple - that I love him, but need to understand (and learn to live with) her! This is the first time I've even been in a chat room, and have great expectations!!

Being with a sometimes reluctant CDr can be hard and just finding that there are other people to talk has helped me big time already, even 24 hours in. After reading the stats about just what % of the male population possibly CD, I have started to wonder - are some of my female friends going through the same?

I just ask that CDrs recognise that some GG's way of dealing with it is to close down, and maybe compromise has to worked very hard at by both parties -simple things such as really spoiling your SO after a particularly difficult patch might help ease the pain after all the support you've been happy to take (and it can be pain, I assure you!). Just as we'll never understand you fully, maybe you'll never understand us ....

Emma,

Reading your posts, it struck me that maybe in some ways we are asking you to do something we ourselves can't - understand us and what makes us tick. Most of US don't know precisely what drives us so how can anyone expect you, our wives, to figure it out?
I've said it to other wives and I'll say it again, you have already given your SO an invaluable gift - you are TRYING to understand and trying to accept this part of him.

Kim

[JulieC]

It wasn't sorted out in my head when I first told my then-girlfriend now-wife. In fact, it's STILL not sorted out in my head and I'm not sure it ever will be 100% sorted out.

I still find myself attempting to suppress crossdressing urges when I know my wife will see me. Constantly I am battling with "she wants a *man* as a husband". It's never ending. Sometimes I feel more confident, other times I feel scared. I would never consciously do something to harm my marriage. I am ever conscious of the fact that a crossdressing male isn't something little girls grow up fantasizing about marrying. It's not the Disney dream. Our society strongly bends us to thinking in that way...get married and live happily ever after. Of course, it doesn't work that way and we might understand that on an intellectual level, but on an emotional level it can be hard. I want to be perfect for my wife in every way I can, yet I know that wearing a dress, hose, and heels before her is far from being perfect.

I think in my case this will continue to evolve over time. I've told my wife that I can't promise her where this is going. I do know that I am not transsexual, and that has allayed many of her fears. I have no desire to phyiscally be a woman. Even if someone could wave a wand and magically make me a woman with no consequences, I wouldn't do it (unless I could do it for a few days and switch back! :)). When I first told my wife, virtually the only thing I wore was pantyhose. That's evolved, especially over the last year. Back then, I hadn't even worn a pair of heels or a dress. Things have dramatically changed. It continues to evolve. I don't know where it is going. I do know that wherever it goes I have to be patient, understanding, loving and supportive as possible with my wife to make sure she is along for the ride as well. Sometimes it's bumpy. That can't be avoided. It's the effort in avoiding the roughest parts that makes the difference.

One word of caution I would express to you; if he is unclear about whether he is a transsexual or not, that should be cleared up before getting married and most emphatically before getting married. Kids can become innocent victims of a broken family. A wife can't reasonably be expected to remain married to a man who becomes a woman, and from what I've seen most marriages break up when transition happens. You have a right to know. Maybe he doesn't know yet, but if it's an unanswered question I'd advise waiting until that aspect is sorted out. Some professional counseling can help significantly in divining this inner self for him.

-BB

[Marla S]

So, my question is - when you told your partner, had you sorted out in your mind how important CDing was to you & did you have any ideas as how you wanted it to fit into your married life, or were you as jumbled up as my SO is & how did you get through it? We're not married, though he has asked me & I said yes, but this is stopping us moving on towards that at the moment.

Well, I think it is usually not possible to have things sorted out before you tell the first time to a partner.
This "telling" is an important part and step to sort things out in itself.
I think it is impossible to do it on your own in your closet.
That's a bit of a dilemma, because the SO usually want's to know WHY and HOW in the frist instance, but the CD will only come closer to an answer if there is some "real life" interaction; the SO usually being the first contact person of the "real world".
So, coming to terms and finding answers is more of an interative ongoing process and it might help to get aware of this.

[EmmaB GG]

Hi BB

Am not sure that I was clear about the past things that my SO did, but it did make him feel uncomfortable and out of place which makes me question why he was allowed to get that far in the 1st place! But he does have an addictive personality and I can see that when he decides to do something it's all or nothing, without a safety net sometimes! And it came at the end of a very, very long period where he lost pretty much all of his self confidence - changing = success? V possible, in hishead.

I've suggested that he goes to counselling, with a warning that it might raise old issues that he might not like, and I know going is a choice he has to make himself & can't give him any ultimatums. I feel bad & very selfish because I could be pushing him back to something that's not good in his head.

Think I've got myself into something more than I ever imagined ..... glad I can talk about it with some sane adults though!

[JulieC]

Think I've got myself into something more than I ever imagined ..... glad I can talk about it with some sane adults though!

And you're so sure we're all sane because...? :)

Seriously, life throws curves at us. We can't avoid them. All we can do is make choices based on what comes at us. You love this man. That's quite obvious, if for no other reason than you're here on this forum. You've made a choice to walk down this road with him, at least for now, and that's wonderful. Many women would turn and walk away.

It's true that he has to make a choice about counseling. Unfortunately, our society places all sorts of stigmas around counseling. Something must be 'wrong' with you if you go to counseling.

-BB

[Emily Ann Brown]

I'm still confused how your husband managed to convince a doctor to give hormones and be so confused about her/her gender. I was under the impression that was when they determine what is REALLY in your head genderwise.

I agree with the previous comment about we don't even know our own minds how can you. I have a lot of discussions with my girlfriend about what's in my head just praying she will understand some of the mess inside. And for the record she is really AWESOME about accepting and trying to make sense of it.(And yes, she knew from day one what she was getting into.)

Emily Ann

[Kate Simmons]

Hi Emma, If there is one thing I have learned, it's that he needs to get a handle on this and get in touch with his feelings otherwise it will control him and not vice versa. It used to control and dominate me. With help, I've managed to turn that around and now I am in control. Simply put, I CD because I want to, not because I have to. It's confusing enough to do this stuff to begin with, it's confusing even more if you don't understand the emotions and feelings that are involved. That's what worked for me anyway.:happy: Ericka

[MsJanessa]

Hi Emma---I've noticed in My own life, and I've been around a good many years, that in periods of stress(and what life doesn't have stress?) I used to have a stronger urge to dress than I normally did---then I gave Myself permission to dress as much as I wanted and the stress didn't seem to "trigger" the urge as much---probably because I became much more comfortable with it as a regular part of My life---I agree that your honey should see a professional---there may well be something else going on other than the dressing that is causing the problem---good luck to both of you

[EricaCD]

To answer your immediate question: "did we have this sorted out when we first told our SOs"? Yes and no, because I got two "first times"....

I was in the middle of a very long hiatus in crossdressing--nearly 4 years--when my wife happened upon some of my clothes (I don't purge). She asked me about them and I came clean right away. At that point I was more or less ok in terms of personal acceptance, in that I did not hate myself for dressing or anything like that. Still, I was quite embarrassed about sharing this aspect of myself with another. Among other things, I told Helene that it had been quite some time since I last dressed and that I did not presently have an urge to do so, but that I had gone through long breaks before and I had no idea whether I would eventually return to dressing.

I resumed dressing about 18 months after that. By that point, I now know that Helene had totally pushed this aspect of my life back in her mind and had just assumed that I was done forever. Once I realized, after a couple weeks, that this was not likely to be a passing fancy, I came out to her again. By this point, I was much, much farther along in terms of my own self-acceptance. In about six more weeks, we started to have our first intelligent discussions about crossdressing, and how it fit into our lives.

There is no question that an accepting spouse or girlfriend is a huge help. Howver, as most here have written: if the crossdresser in the relationship has not come to a pretty good sense of self-acceptance, it is quite unlikely that the crossdressing aspects of the relationship will be constructively addressed.

Erica

[Dixie Darling]

Emma,

When I came out to my wife it was because I had FINALLY realized that crossdressing was something that was a part of my total personality that had been with me for as long as I could remember. I had fought it for years and years, and like all of us I had been unable to rid myself of it. It's a LONG story, but once I accepted the fact that I was a crossdresser and would always be one the next logical step was to try to convey this NEED over to my wife. This was 31 years into our marriage and even though my wife had had suspicions, I had never really just come out and admitted it to her. Unfortunately when I finally DID take the plunge she was totally intolerant of my need and still is to this day. I'm sure she doesn't realize it, but she's missed a lot in the years since then. Although our union remains strong, the quality of the relationship has deteriorated quite a lot. Some of this deterioration is due to me being somewhat resentful that she won't even DISCUSS the matter at all, while some of it is her refusal to try to at least understand that this is an unfulfilled need that I have which has a direct influence on me in relation to my overall attitude in the relationship.

YOUR situation is somewhat reversed since you seem to be able to accept your fiancé's NEED and are willing to work WITH him toward a solution that is amicable to both of you. Just at a guess, my opinion is that he hasn't completely faced the fact that he is WHAT he is, and that he will always be a crossdresser. So my suggestion would be to encourage him to research crossdressing in a SERIOUS way. Once he realizes that he's but one of tens of thousands of us, maybe it will help him to eventually come to accept HIMSELF. He also needs to understand that it DOESN'T make him any less of a man simply because he want to dress as a woman at times.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Sweet Jane]

Hi Emma

I have no idea of where this rollercoaster ride is taking me, and that's pretty scary. I do know that it won't be taking me to body changes though. So am I mixed up...hell yeah, even I question my sanity!!!

[amanda barber]

Yes, thanks. My partner hasn't sorted out what and where he wants to do, which makes it v hard to know how to move forward so for the moment, we're stuck in no man's land - I think that he has self image problems in the same way many people do, and there have been times when I've wondered if the CDing is one way of changing that, rather than it being a major part of his psyche. He is attracted CDing, but it shoudn't upset him that much, surely?

Counceling might be the best idea. Yes a desire for CDing and being reluctant/fearfull to do so at the same time can upset him that much. Counceling should be able to find out if the CDing is covering some other issue and when thats dealt with it will go away, just someting thats pleasurable and fun from time to time or if its a major part of him. If its a major part of him and its supressed, even if its himself supressing it and not an outside influence it can be dangerous. It can lead to stress induced health problems, severe depression and sometimes drug addiction.

You seem very supportive and willing to explore whats really going on and thats wonderful.

[Fallen Angel]

Hi Emma,Im not married but to have a steady relation ship
I was up front and honest but slowly got her use to the idea of me cross dressing.Knowing and seeing are two different things.Now as far as getting it all staight in your head first,well theres alot of complicated isssues.

relationships,family,freinds,work.your life changes,And for those of us who have decided to be full time you wind up burning alot of bridges behind you.And its alonely road to walk for awhile.
And being that he lived once full time and things didnt work out for one reason or another that only adds to it.
Im a firm believer you have to make some kind of peace with your self in order to move on.

Now as far as dressing and going out and haveing you go with him this might be in his own mind a way to show you
that there are others out there like us.And that its not a sickness or a pervertion,and that we are just as normal as every one else.When i took my girl freind out the first time
it was a culter shock to her but with in a few hours she ajusted to it.But what I did was buy matching outfitts to make it a bit more fun and also it helped in the bonding as being not only part of our relation ship but as a "special freind" to her as well.

And if he see's that your accepting to all of this you both will be able to move one with your realtion ship.Try to be as possitive as possible.Suggest going out and ask him if hed like to go shopping for some items or the possibilty of helping him get dressed.

"The best healing is what comes from the heart"

I wish you the best Emma,Your very special !

[Rachel Morley]

So, my question is - when you told your partner, had you sorted out in your mind how important CDing was to you & did you have any ideas as how you wanted it to fit into your married life
Hello Emma,

Sorry for being late to the party but I thought I would just share with you my answer. First off I guess I'm a little bit different than most in that my wife actually loves my crossdressing and looked to date a cder before she met me. Her previous boyfriend was also a crossdresser...we actually met on a cd forum. Anyway, for me I hadn't realized at all how important cding was to me but my wife had realized how important it was for her, to to be more exact, how she did not want to be with a "regular guy" and that she knew that she was (and still is) attracted to feminine guys....especially guys who have a feminine attitude to life (which preferably, for her, but not mandatorily include girly clothes). IMHO it's really important for the cder to have self acceptance and know (more or less) where he/she is on the cd spectrum and to what extent they will want or need to integrate this into their married life. In my case my wife and I always knew that we would want to take my cding as seriously as we took any other part of our relationship. Crossdressing in our marriage is not "my thing" it's "our thing" and the sharing that goes on (clothes, makeup, perfume, feminine attitudes) we think brings us closer together. Neither of us feels threatened by anything because we spoke so much about what we wanted/needed/expected from a crossdressing relationship before we got together.

I would recommend you talk more with your SO about what "feeling feminine" is to him, why is it important, and how much self acceptance he has or would like to achieve. What I mean to say is you both have to know what impact crossdressing is likely to have on your relationship. Just how far does he or you want to take this. It;s very important because I'm guessing that you don't want any surprises further down the road. The one thing you can be sure of about life is that you can't be sure about anything.....but it would be nice to at least explore all the possibilities that (may) happen if you integrate your SO's cding into your marriage.

Good luck :hugs:

[Dee Model]

Emma,

Reading your posts, it struck me that maybe in some ways we are asking you to do something we ourselves can't - understand us and what makes us tick. Most of US don't know precisely what drives us so how can anyone expect you, our wives, to figure it out?
I've said it to other wives and I'll say it again, you have already given your SO an invaluable gift - you are TRYING to understand and trying to accept this part of him.

Kim

I quite agree, Kim. It would be a pretty easy and carefree life of pleasure and...sexual ecstasy, I think, if we could just flip a switch between male and female. Truelly experience life through the looking glass. Maybe it would make some of us decide, finally, who we wanted to be with the ability in an instant to change back were it not to feel 'right'. I think I'd go back and forth on a whim, but that's just me.

We are all of us (humans) unique. Cross-dressers are no exception. Where I may share many characteristics with other cross dressers there will be an equal or otherwise number of characteristics that I most certainly do not!

I have ordered a book from a local bookshop. It's called Alice In Genderland by Richard J. Novic,M.D. which i can't wait to read. It's about the experiences of a cross-dressing psychiatrist. Perhaps if anyone here has read it they can say whether it will be of any use to you as regards your SO. It's available now at iUniverse.com and Amazon.co.uk, apparently, I'm old fashioned where books are concerned and like to have the original.
But, I digress...

Good luck with your search for answers!