purge..........???????? i think not.............

[Wendy me]

ok wendy is a air head forgetful leaveing make up and nail polish on getting mini busted.........mabey she wants to get it all out and open .....mabey "he"
is trying to get in trouble...........hopeing that she will be banshed............
then "he" gets "his" boady back..........intresting thoughts.........to say the least...........i don't know i have been thinking abought that a lot this weekend..........

i posted (with tristen"s helpe ........thanks girlfreind) over the weekend abought getting busted with nail polish on.........and some damage controll
being done ...............while reading through the responces one came out and segested to offer to purge.............if my wife wanted it........

altho the thought never entered my mind..........this morning i looked at all of wendy's things ...........a purge.........a purge.........wow .....lets see....
would i ????????? could i ??????????if i hade to make a choise between purgeing and my wife..........well i would need a truck to get it all out it looks
like a store has exploded in here.............

if purgeing to please my wife........(makeing wendy go away) would make things better........could i .....would i.......??????????????just leave "him"
things go on "normal"..............a manely man...........................

i think not ...........if it did come down to that i would not purge..........and
put wendy away..........for this girl that is so mutch a part of me is here to stay..............to stop or purge this away from my life would be a lie...........
who wins when that happens?????????not my wife she would be left with a half beaten husband............and me what would become of me ????????
i would be a crossdresser with nouthing to wear..........hateful and angery for getting ride of who i have struggled to become..................no i could not ....
would not purge.........i have a hard time throuing out a pair of panty hose with a run in them..............it hasent came down to it but if it did ...........
as selefish as it sounds ..........i would chose me.................

[Georgette]

Sis I would hate to see you purge and loose a good friend, besides your therapist wold go brokeLOL who would be there to keep him/her inline to help us relize who and what we are and stand for. You are right purging doesn't solve anything it only makes a liar out of us and a half person to every body else. Purge I think Not.

[Wendy me]

georgette this week end was intresting to say the least . if i could i think a purge of "him" would be better.............wendy is here to stay................my wife ..........
well i know she knows but she dosen't want to...........

this will give my thearpest some things to make me think over..........lol nouthing is ever just easy..................

[Fiona K]

Hi Wendy,
We all know purging never works, you'll come back through him whe nthe "he" likes it or not. This is what my wife has grudgingly accepted about me and we're trying to manage the issue as best we can.

Purging only benefits the clothes stores or Ebay when you decide to re-stock your wardrobe.

As for the next steps, I won't advise you to tell her, I won't advise anything as these last few months have been, and still are, the hardest of our marriage.

If you do decide to tell, try and tell all as sensitively as you can, be prepared for tears and the unexpected. I thought the "deception" and hiding was going to be numero uno problem- big mistake!! So no-preconceptions if you do tell her all.

What ever you do, we're here for you
Take care
Fiona
xx

[Georgette]

georgette this week end was intresting to say the least . if i could i think a purge of "him" would be better.............wendy is here to stay................my wife ..........
well i know she knows but she dosen't want to...........

this will give my thearpest some things to make me think over..........lol nouthing is ever just easy..................

I know my therapist now knows it don't work that way as she tried to have georgette go away HA that'll be the day! I did say she wouldn't be in session anymore not in person but she will always be with me there and everywhereLOL gotta' love her for being persistant.LOL :) Hand in there I am with you all the way. :rolleyes:

[Wendy me]

lol, fiona that was too mutch yes the stores would be the ones to come out a head
no purge .........no way as for telling her well i don't think she wants to realy hear the words "honey i am a crossdresser i wear women's clouthes" ...........think it's kinda like a don't ask don't tell and mabey it will go away ..............so for now i can live with that...........
i hope that you and your wife come to terms with it in time and wish you all the best
..........huge hugs

[Wendy me]

sis did you ever ask your thearpest why she wants georgette to go away??????????
sounds like she is picking sides..................

[ChristineRenee]

I know my therapist now knows it don't work that way as she tried to have georgette go away HA that'll be the day! I did say she wouldn't be in session anymore not in person but she will always be with me there and everywhereLOL gotta' love her for being persistant.LOL :) Hand in there I am with you all the way. :rolleyes:Georgette and Wendy,
Until they come to realize, as my wife just did, that the real person that they are dealing with is the one inside and not the one on the outside, they will always operate under the illusion that it is something you can eventually cast aside. Not gonna happen whether you want it to or not and the ones who deal with it the best are the ones like us who have chosen to embrace it and treat it as a very special "gift" that we have been given.

Just my 2 cents ladies.

Hugs & Kisses,
Christine Renee

[Stephanie Brooks]

Wendy,

I think your perspective is right, hard as it may be. Hang in there Lady!

[Wendy me]

it just seames the easyest thing to do is always the impossable thing to do.......................

[Georgette]

sis did you ever ask your thearpest why she wants georgette to go away??????????
sounds like she is picking sides..................
Thanks Sis that gives mr some ammo for her on thursdayLOL. What wou;d I do without you. :)

[Ava Mouse]

Wendy,

Purging is not the solution. However, if it came down to your clothes vs your marriage, I think you'll choose your clothes, and that's sad.

You're not thinking of her, you're thinking of yourself. You're being selfish and trying to force this on your wife instead of being honest with her. That's no way to treat your wife, if you really love her...

Come clean with her, or go back in the closet 100%.

[ChristineRenee]

Wendy,

Purging is not the solution. However, if it came down to your clothes vs your marriage, I think you'll choose your clothes, and that's sad.

You're not thinking of her, you're thinking of yourself. You're being selfish and trying to force this on your wife instead of being honest with her. That's no way to treat your wife, if you really love her...

Come clean with her, or go back in the closet 100%.Ava...I love ya girlfriend but I'm not sure I can agree with you on this one. First of all, why should it ever come down to clothes vs marriage in the first place? Any wife that would put that kind of condition on her marriage is being just as selfish and intolerant as she claims that the CD is. Yes, being a CD is, by nature, self-indulgent and, by application, selfish, But it isn't wrong. A loving wife doesn't have to agree with it, support it, or participate in it, but on the other hand, what gives her the right to say that the husband is being selfish because he cannot, not will not, but cannot, give up dressing up? If the CD is doing this 24/7 and totally neglecting his spouse that is one thing, but to try to deny him something that is a major part of who he is and put a figurative gun to his head by saying give it up or the marriage is over, is just demonstrating a need to be controlling and dominant over her husband in the marriage, especially if the CD has been upfront about his being a CD right from the start. She knew what she was going to be dealing with.

Again just my 2 cents and difference of opinion here Ava. :)


Love,
Christine Renee

[Tristen Cox]

Wendy, I think you are making a tough choice whatever you chose here. Putting Wendy in a box is going to make 'him' very aggitated and that's not good. However trying to force this on your wife is not going to make her very happy if she's unwilling to accept this part of you. It's going to take more time girl. You can't rush this. I sense there's going to be conflicts moreso if you try, so walk slowly. Make the choice something she is comfortable with accepting. Something she can see she is gaining from, instead of losing someone. If it's not going to work then at least you know you took the time and tried. Nothing else you can really do. It's still up to her. If you love her then you will have to respect her final decision. Give her a positive influence but don't try to make her choice for her. Good luck.

*hugs*
Tristen

[Ava Mouse]

Christine Renee,

No problem! :) I understand what you're saying.

I do think, though, that Wendy is putting herself in that ultimatum situation by not hiding it 100% or talking it over with the wife. She needs to make a decision to come clean or stay closeted.

1/2 way is only going to cause problems and is unfair to the wife. 1/2 way, and Wendy will just be tormenting herself.

Prioritize, make a decision and live with the consequences. That's all I'm saying, really.

[Wendy me]

Wendy,

Purging is not the solution. However, if it came down to your clothes vs your marriage, I think you'll choose your clothes, and that's sad.

You're not thinking of her, you're thinking of yourself. You're being selfish and trying to force this on your wife instead of being honest with her. That's no way to treat your wife, if you really love her...

Come clean with her, or go back in the closet 100%.

i am thinking of her .ok let me give you a quick look it this...............

1. we have been marryed for over 27 years.........long time......yes

2. we have two grown sons..........i was not there like i should have been.

3. i spent most of our marrage runing and hideing from my own deamons all of witch till wendy came crashing into my life......almost killed us ..........

4. i could not be honest with my wife , when i could not be honest with myselfe. this is who or what i am.............

5.do i love her...........with every part of my heart and sole ...i love this woman..........god only knows why she put up with the hell i druge her through.........yes i love her......to death...even if this ment we would not be marryed i still would love her allways.............

6.sad ??????????you know what sad is girlfreind?????????ok sad is when you
are so torn between what is and what you wish could be and you know that eather way someone or something is going to get hurt.......and there is no right answer..............and it's all my call...thats sad................right???
not a closet full of clothes.........it's a part of my whole mess life.........
it's not a choise........it just is........

7. trying to force this on her..........i realy don't want to force anything but as messed up as this this is what it is..................

sister......ava mouse don't mean to jump like that ..............thanks for your
imput.........it makes me think ..........just how screwed up this realy is....
i have no idear were this will go ..........i realy do hope that things work out well here i do love my wife...........

[Ava Mouse]

Wendy,

Good, gotcha thinking better now. :)

My parents were divorced when I was 10. My mother tricked me into hating my dad. Well, after 20 years I asked myself why I carried around so much hatred of my dad, when he was, in fact an gentle, nice guy. So, I contacted him and reconciled. We're now rebuilding a friendship and I find it easy to forgive people. No baggage!

You can't change your past. Forgive yourself and forgive everyone else 100%. Dump that baggage.

You CAN change your future. Sit back and imagine what you want your future to be like. How can you get there? What parts of this future are important to you?

Have you talked with your wife about these things? Share your visions, add in hers. How can you incorporate CDing?

I call it life-storming. It's like brainstorming, but you share your hopes and dreams.

Now, prioritize these hopes & dreams, examine the consequences, and make a decision.

It's not easy. But I've done it, and my life is better for it...



PS. It's OK to jump on me. er.. no, that didn't sound right... um... It's OK to disagree with me. I probably came across as kinda harsh. If people present facts and don't insult me, they can change my mind... :cool:

Christine is right, there probably isn't a one-or-the-other ultimatum choice, but I'm saying that your wife should be #1, CDing #2 or 3...

[Wendy me]

i have tryed to talk to her but for now she dosen't want to go any ferther now so i will leave it up to her for now..........small steps .......
baggage from my past well we could full a truck ........trying to move on and i think i am doing fine in that part .....what was ...is thats ok
the future i don't know what it will bring.......like i said small steps
i am in therepy now and have sorted a lot out still a ton to go..........

lifestorming sounds good......right now one step at a time......................

[ChristineRenee]

Christine Renee,

No problem! :) I understand what you're saying.

I do think, though, that Wendy is putting herself in that ultimatum situation by not hiding it 100% or talking it over with the wife. She needs to make a decision to come clean or stay closeted.

1/2 way is only going to cause problems and is unfair to the wife. 1/2 way, and Wendy will just be tormenting herself.

Prioritize, make a decision and live with the consequences. That's all I'm saying, really.Ava,

Thanks for clarifying. I just meant a compromise is in order here. Too many times a spouse will use the CD condition for leverage...they initially agree to accept it then later decide they can't so they start issuing ultimatums. Wendy did nothing wrong. What if she didn't like her wearing pants for example and told her that she didn't like it, and are you sick?, etc.

I thought it would be a good time for her to come clean when she made the discovery but she didn't want to discuss it. I can understand Wendy's reaction in that circumstance...I think she was trying to back off and let her cool her heels a little bit.

When you really think about this issue it is so ridiculous anyway. Putiing 27 years of marriage on the line because of an incident with pink nail polish? Again...societal conditioning at work here at it's ultimate: Life rule number ? Men do not wear nail polish or anything else that might be associated with the female sex...period. Isn't this one of the ultimate barriers our community is trying to break down in the first place?

I agree with the rest of your post...but as for this "shocking discovery" made by Wendy's wife...well, to me, it's "much ado about nothing."


Love,
Christine Renee

[Jen_TGCD]

Sending you



:) Good Vibrations :)



girlfriend ! ! !

[Wendy me]

thanks jen mutch welcomed that feels good .................

[Holly]

Youv'e got a lot on your plate right now. This may be a little Pollyana (no wait, I'm Holly), but I don't see this as something the can scuttle 27 years of marriage. You didn't go into details (and I'm not asking you to) but you indicated that this is not the first rough spot you two have hit. What worked before? How can you adapt that to your current situation?

A bit of unsolicited advice... don't put in concrete any end result. What I mean by that is don't predetermine how you will react to what she may do. I'm not in any way suggesting that you compromise your values, or settle on an arrangement that will certainly make you miserable. But be open to change in your relationship with your wife.

Once the two of you begin talking about your relationship with one another (and you will, I promise) remind her in a loving way that over the last 27 years you have changed as a result of her influence in your life. And she has done the same as a result of your influence in hers. The interesting thing in this is that your influence has been by both you and him. Like it or not, Wendy has been a factor in your marriage from the very beginning. That it was fair or unfair that she didn't know about Wendy is a topic perhaps for another discussion. And Wendy, dressed or in the closet, will continue to be a factor in every relationship you enter into. How much better for the three of you to work this out among yourselves. Remember the things you said in the thread, "What I like about my girl?" Share those with your wife (when she's ready) and explain how those have been a positive factor in your relationship.

One last thing. You love your wife because of who she is and what you saw inside her from the beginning. If she's honest, the same will hold true with her love for you. Gently and lovingly help her to realize that Wendy was there from the very first moment. Wendy has been and will continue to be a part of who you are. Wendy is NOT her competition. Wendy is not some alter ego. Girlfriend, I've only know you for a short time, but I know you to be spontanious, funny, caring, sensitive and cheerful.

I think the Captain and Tenile said it best when they sang..... "Love, love will keep us together." Your doing fine. Keep it up. :)

[ChristineRenee]

Terrific post Holly. Wen...I hope you got all that girl. Holly just gave you some spot on advice girlfriend. Keep dialoging with her and reach a mutual understanding. What you had, and have, can become even better. Think it through hon...and remember we are all here for you and want only the best for you.


Huge hugs and kisses,
Christine Renee

[Wendy me]

holly ....mom that was nice......thankyou....christine thanks,....... jen just right.i needed that.........ava mouse.......your thoughts are intersting to sat the least......tristen defenaly small steps slowly.....stephanie thanks girlfreind we are danceing.................fiona your words are so true thanks girlfreind.................

sis. georgette you always bring it all together for me then make me smile....love you sis.

girlfreinds we are not at a crisses or even close to it (so i think) it was segested that
if my wife wanted me to purge do it to make her happy........i posted this because in
my thinking you bouth have lost if getting rid of the clouthing is thought to make things
right ......we are more than dresses and pantys............that what we dress in . a purge dosen't fix the problem..........the outher person in each one of us won't go away because the clouthes do she stays behind battered and down......................
a crossdresser with nouthing to wear...........so if it came down to the purge....no i choise me.........selfish........no.........a truck load of clouthing going to good will wont fix a thing........right now she dosen't want to talk..........i am not pushing...........
so things are ok for now........so i will let it be.........thanks sisters huge hugs

[Stephanie Brooks]

It's difficult for me to post to this as I'm entering the final throes of a probably failed marriage.

Wendy, you'll do whatever you need to do. I know that. You'll look at all sides of it. As with all of the rest of us, I hope things work out such that your marriage is saved.

You know the realities though. It would be nice if everything would work just so well. Sometimes it does!!!!! When it does, that's great! Some of us have spouses capable of dealing with our transgendered nature. Some of us do not.

The spouses who cannot deal with our transgenderedness aren't bad per se. They're not evil, they're the ones we chose as a partner for life. They chose a partner too, us. The partner they chose was of the opposite sex, and to many of them, sex and gender are the same. They have a belief in us as what they married.

Crossdressing destroys that belief. It attacks that faith.

A woman marries a man, and she believes him to be a man. It isn't even subject to question.

Suddenly the wife discovers her husband has done a girly thing. If he's lucky, she's not hardwired against this. She has the ability to see beyond the girly thing and take her husband for what he is. If he's not lucky, she's hardwired against this, and there's no amount of logic and reason that can change her.

I hope you can successfully resolve this with your wife. Understand that at the other extreme, there may be no amount of effort that will change her views regarding Wendy.

[Wendy me]

stephanie thank you ,right now things pretty mutch on hold she knows.......she dosen't want to deal with it i think so for now i don't push it.......no more on my part
till she asks me for more.................and i will try to be a lot more careful not to do stupid things..............





huge hugs to you girlfreind

[Stephanie Brooks]

Huge hugs to you too, Girlfriend.

[racheal]

There is always an opporitunity to push ahead - just need the right time and place. I know that you'll find it... :)