My journey

[Siobhan Marie]

I'm going to use this thread to chronicle my journey towards becoming Anna, the person I really am . I will make every effort to keep this updated but it won't be that easy as I work long and very unpredictable hours in security.

As you already know, at the start of the year I had four objectives and they were,

1. Go on a diet.

2. Go to the gym and start a fitness programme.

3. Come out to Mum and the rest of the family (am already out to Dad)

4. Get a new job outside of the security industry.

Well, I'm on very low fat diet that I followed 3 years ago and it does it work as I did lose 3 stone (42lbs) that time. I weighed myself on New Years Day and that I weighed 19 stone 3 lbs (268lbs) and I want to get down to 13 stone (182lbs) as I'm currently too heavy for surgery (there's a surprise!!). On Tuesday the 2nd, Dad told Mum about me and my problems and for a few days she seemed to be alright about the whole thing, I know this is a lot for her and Dad to take on, Dad is ok about it although he doesn't understand and he admits that. Whereas Mum has shutdown completely and won't even talk about it (understandable you might say but its not doing her any good to keep it inside). I went over to see them both on Saturday as I wasn't working, Dad and I were talking, no problem whereas I tried to talk to Mum and we had a big argument which wasn't good as it was right in front of Dad. I left not long after as I was frightened that I would say something that I would live to regret. Dad phoned me a bit later on to see if I was ok, I told him I was fine which was true. What he did tell me was that she is going to fight me all the way on this, my answer to that was and still is, if she does that then she'll lose, me. I've decided that I'm not going over to their house because if I do Mum and I will argue and it'll get messy and to be honest its something I can do without. If I don't go over then we won't argue. At the moment, as far as I'm concerned she can live her life and I'll live mine and it'll probably stay that way. This has unfortunately confirmed my worst fears and it doesn't really worry me as its something that I was ready for. What does annoy me and it probably shouldn't is that she thinks that people shouldn't be told, ie the family. I also think that she thinks that it'll go away, and you know and I know that it won't go away. The analogy that I use to describe this, is imagine you're a computer and you've got a program running in the background and it doesn't matter what you do, you can't turn it off, well thats what its like for me. I've decided I will tell the family and I'll tell them when I'm ready, I've written them a letter that I'm not hiding behind, it needs some work but it will be sent. On a much lighter note, I went round to the gym today, its at Totton Recreation Centre, which is just round the corner from me. I had to do an assessment with an instructor and was asked what I wanted out of it, which is to lose weight. I did state that I don't to use the weights as I don't want to put any muscle bulk on. I didn't tell them why as I felt that they really didn't need to know. What I have got is a good cardiovascular workout which will help me to lose weight. I got paid yesterday and went out and bought a PlayStation 2 (its a games console for those of you that don't understand these things) and some games, as its helps me to relax and "chill out". I've also started looking for another job as I want to get out of security as soon as I can. I'm currently waiting for some application forms that I've asked for.

I will update this again when I can.

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[rocval2001]

Anna, I read your blog - thank you for letting us into your life. Good luck on the loosing the weight I am trying to do the same thing. You are beautiful and wish you lots of luck in your journey.
Valeri

[cindianna_jones]

Losing weight and keeping it off is the scurge we all face (well almost all of us). The hormones want to pack it on! I wish you well with your goals doll.

Cindi

[Siobhan Marie]

Cindi and Val, thank you so much for your kind words as they mean such a lot to me and at least I've got a goal to aim for this time!! As for letting you all into my life, its a pleasure and its also a great comfort to me that even though I live alone and am a loner by nature that I've got you girls to talk to.

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[Siobhan Marie]

Just thought that I'd give all you an update on my journey. The diet is going great, no problems there. Finally got to the gym today for my first workout which was great, mind you what does kill me at the moment is the rowing machine. A few minutes on that, which is all I can manage at the moment and I'm struggling to do the last 10 minutes on the bike. The workout I've been given is,

1. 10 mins on any exercise bike to warm up.
2. 10 mins on the treadmill, I walk on it as I can't run on it, which has been increased to 15 mins for when I go next time.
3. 5 mins on the rowing machine, can't do 5 mins yet but am working towards it.
4. To finish 10 mins on any exercise bike, can only do 5 mins at the moment due to the fact that I'm absolutely shattered when I come off the rowing machine.

What's really nice about going to this particular gym is that I can pay as and when I go and not have to find so much a month, which would work out really expensive. I haven't been over to see Mum and Dad as I still don't think its a good idea for obvious reasons but am phoning them and they do phone me so we do talk that way. I'm hoping to get to the gym before the end of the month, work permiting. The first weigh-in is on the 1st of February as that will exactly 4 weeks since I started this diet.

You will recall that I asked for some application forms for some jobs as I'm currently looking for another job. I haven't heard from the companies concerned and am looking in the local paper once a week as there is a really good jobs section in it.

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[Siobhan Marie]

Just thought that I'd update this. I weighed myself today and found that I weighed in at 18 stone 6lbs (246lbs), my start weight was 19 stone 3 lbs (269lbs) which means if my calculations are right that I've lost 11lbs which means my calculations from stones into lbs must be a bit out!! I've also applied for a job with Marks and Spencer in their new store in Lymington, which is approx 10 miles from me to work in their warehouse section. When I told Dad this, he asked me why had I applied for this job and I just said that I didn't want to work out in the store itself, where my thinking actually is, is 2 or 3 years down the line and I don't want to transition out on the shop floor, I'd rather do it out the back and out the way, I just hope that Dad has realised this.

You've probably noticed that I now post in purple, this is in response to a request from one of the other ladies as she couldn't see my posts to read them.

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[Andrea Nicole]

Good Luck. And thank you for not posting in that blinding pink. Some times too much pink is just TOO much, and not necessary.

[Siobhan Marie]

Andrea, thank for your kind words. I loved the pink and still do but as I found out, it can't always be read hence the purple which is another colour that I like.

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[CaptLex]

Congrats on the weight loss, Anna Marie. It's a constant battle for me, so I know it's not easy. Good for you! :thumbsup:

[Siobhan Marie]

Lex, thank you for your kind words, the first weigh-in pleased me no end, but I still have a long way to go to reach my target weight of 13 stone.

I hope that you are feeling much better and are well on the road to recovery.

huge :hugs: Anna Marie x

[Siobhan Marie]

After a lot of soul searching and pointless job hunting, I've decided to stay with my current employer and go through my transition there. I work in the security industry here in the UK. What I currently do for my employer is to cover 5 locations within about 2 hours from home, two of them are local and are where I used to work full time. What started this off was that I have just done 2 nightshifts, Tuesday night and last night and I was talking to my colleague, Danny and he was asking me various questions about me and my problems. I should point out that both of these locations that my colleagues know about me and my problems and that we have a TS colleague as well and me makes two. Back to the conversation between Danny and me. I told Danny that I was looking for another job because I felt that I wanted a new start prior to my transition. His reply was "that it will be harder for you doing it that way rather than stay here and do it. Why don't you speak to the site manager and see if you can come back here and work with us as our relief officer as we really need one, one that we can all trust". I intially shrugged off the idea but as the shifts wore on and when I came home this morning, I was thinking about it, more and more and to the point that I've decided that I will speak to the site manager tomorrow and go from there as I really don't want to leave, have decided that I won't and the two locations locally are where I will be comfortable to transition. I have spoken to Dad about this and he agrees with me, so that is what I will do and I will of course let you all know what happens. Please accept my apologies if this seems a bit long winded and it goes round the houses as that is me.

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[CaptLex]

No apology necessary, Anna Marie. I read through that easily - and I have a short attention span. :p Congrats on making the decision to stay and transition where you are. The people there already know you (and like you, I'm sure), and this may make things easier than going somewhere else where people need to get to know who you are inside, as well as who you will be outside. As long as people treat you with respect and realize that you're still the same person who is capable of doing the same job, I think it should all work out. Looking forward to updates. Best of luck. :hugs:

[Siobhan Marie]

Lex, thank you for your kind words. It'll be fine that I'm so sure of as I have a TS colleague so that they are used too and I know that they have more respect for me than for her. I know that because they've all told me that, Admiral sir.

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[Siobhan Marie]

I weighed myself today, as it is my monthly weigh-in on my diet and found that I now weigh 17 stone 13lbs, which is a weight loss of 7lbs for the month, which is really pleasing and gives a total weight loss to date of 1 stone and 4lbs. Have ordered some smaller uniform trousers for work and am getting a size smaller in jeans too.

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[CaptLex]

Have ordered some smaller uniform trousers for work and am getting a size smaller in jeans too.
Atta girl, Anna Marie! :hugs: Don't you just love it when you HAVE to go shopping? :heehee:

[Siobhan Marie]

Hey Lex, thank you for your kind words. I love shopping and do most, if not all of it online. This is great as it means progress,which again is a good thing. :happy:

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[Di]

Anna Marie. Just wanted to say I have been following along as you post your journey.....wanted to say how much I appreciate your posts and send you best wishes:hugs:

[Siobhan Marie]

Di, thank you so much for your kind words and the best wishes as they really mean a lot to me. Huge :hugs: back to you.

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[Siobhan Marie]

I've made 2 important decisions for the New Year already.

1. I've decided that I will grow my hair out to shoulder length.

2. I will come out to the rest of the family as being trans.

You may ask why haven't I already started to grow my hair out already, well it wasn't on my list of objectives for this year as I had to keep my hair short for one final year which is not an easy thing to do. I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow (Monday) and there's nearly 3 months growth on there. I did mention growing my hair out to my Mum who as you know won't talk or even acknowledge that I'm trans or even that I do have a problem and she positively curled up at they very thought of it.

As for coming out to the rest of the family, I would have done so this year when Mum was told but I was asked by Mum not to do anything in that regard and I've respected her wishes and not done so. I have written a letter of which there are two versions, before you ask why I've written the letter and why there are two versions, I'll answer the questions separately, with regards to the letter, Dad's side of the family are spread far and wide and it would a pain in the butt trying to get Mum's side of the family with the problem being that my auntie Anne lives on the Costa Blanca in Spain. As for the two versions of the letter, they are both the same except that the one for Mum's side has a paragraph in it asking that my grandad not be told as he is of an age and really won't understand and that is either for me or for Mum to tell him. The other reason is that I'm living a lie as Bruce and it has got to stop. I'm not Bruce and never will be. I am now realising that I really am Anna and that, that is who I need to be

What I will have to do is to sit Dad down later in the year and explain all this to him and ask him to talk to Mum for me for the reasons that I've already mentioned. I think I can safely say that it's going to be an interesting New Year as I really can see Mum and I going our separate ways and the more I think about it, the less it worries me.

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[Sharon]

I wish you nothing but the best in the coming months, Anna, and I hope everything goes well in telling your family.:happy:

Oh! And a huge congratulations on the weight loss!! :clap:

[Siobhan Marie]

Sharon, thank you so much for your kind words as they mean such a lot to me.

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[CaptLex]

Good luck with telling the family, Anna Marie. Whether they take it well or not, you know we're here for you. :hugs:

[Siobhan Marie]

Good luck with telling the family, Anna Marie. Whether they take it well or not, you know we're here for you.

Lex, thank you so much for your kind words. Don't take this the wrong way but I kinda knew that and it's a great comfort to know that.

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[Siobhan Marie]

Had to get my hair cut today and it's left me feeling so low. What started it all was that I hadn't had the money or the inclination to go and get it cut. Mum has been nagging me over it and that was when I mentioned about growing my hair out which as you all know I've decided to do in the New Year.

Anyway I went to a barbers in Totton that I'd been to many times. No problem there. After he'd finished I looked in the mirror and thought to myself "oh sh*t I look like a man which I'm not". My hair does look tidy which I now really hate as I really want to grow it out but know that I have to wait until the New Year which I can do. I've got this feeling of trying to be something I know I'm not. I couldn't act "manly" to save myself and it's made me feel so low. It's such a horrible feeling and I just can't explain it and could really do with a cuddle.

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[CaptLex]

It's such a horrible feeling and I just can't explain it and could really do with a cuddle.

:hugs: Anna Marie x
Aww . . . :itsok: . . . isn't amazing how something that seems so small can make a world of difference? Hopefully it will keep growing into something you can shape into a more feminine style. :hugs:

[Kimberley]

I can totally relate to the hair thing. :hugs: Even so, it always looks a mess while growing it out. (Takes a bit of work to make it even look presentable.) :sad: I already signed up for that one.

Anyway, dont let it get you down. All will come in time, your time when you are ready. :love:

Kimberley

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

firstly my apologies, just looked and read through your posts hun :happy: it seems youve gone through highs & lows, and firstly well done on your weight loss :hugs:i can understand about the hair !! :( as you can see my hair is long, & id be gutted if it had to be cut short !! but im sure there will be a style that you can find , where its a length that is suitable for you :happy:
wishing you all the best :love:

[Siobhan Marie]

Lex, Kimberley and Angie, Thank you all so very much for your kind words. You've brought tears to these sad eyes and made me feel a bit better than I do. I was enjoying just looking after it, even if it did look like a wig (she says making herself chuckle). It's as Lex said "isn't it amazing how something that seems so small can make a world of difference?" he's right, it does and to make me feel as low as I do is amazing.

I'm so looking forward to having lovely long feminine hair and having to keep it short, which is so horrible will make me appreciate and care for it. Thank you for caring, it means so much, I just can't even begin to tell you.

huge :hugs: and :koc: a still sad Anna Marie x

[Siobhan Marie]

Just had to tell you all that I've been feeling great inside of late. I think that what has happened is that I've totally and utterly given into who I really am. I'm Anna, single at the mo, looking for a lovely lady who'll make me very happy. But she'll have to wait until I've been reborn and reborn I will be. I'm just so happy right now and it's a lovely, lovely feeling and long may it continue.

Forgive this post but I just had to tell someone.

huge :hugs: and *cuddles*

Anna Marie x

[Kieron Andrew]

Just had to tell you all that I've been feeling great inside of late. I think that what has happened is that I've totally and utterly given into who I really am. I'm Anna, single at the mo, looking for a lovely lady who'll make me very happy. But she'll have to wait until I've been reborn and reborn I will be. I'm just so happy right now and it's a lovely, lovely feeling and long may it continue.

Forgive this post but I just had to tell someone.

huge :hugs: and *cuddles*

Anna Marie x
hehe!...... :hugs:

[Siobhan Marie]

Thanks Keiron, loads of :hugs: back at ya.

huge :hugs: and *cuddles*

Anna Marie x

[Siobhan Marie]

It's that time of the month again. It was time to get on the scales today and they told me that I weigh 17 stone 5lbs which gives a weight loss for the month of 8lbs and a total weight loss of nearly 2 stone. Have still got a long way to go until I reach my goal weight of 13 stone.

huge :hugs: and *cuddles*

Anna Marie x

[kth423]

good luck with the weight loss

[Siobhan Marie]

Thank you so much for your kind words. :hugs:

huge :hugs: and *cuddles*

Anna Marie x

[Siobhan Marie]

I'm so sorry for not keeping you all updated with my work situation. Just over four weeks ago, I saw the site manager for the locations that I used to work at, these locations are within 20-25 minutes of home. I asked him if I could go back as their relief officer, told him why (am out at these locations and have been for the last 6 months) and stressed that it was strictly off the record and I was ready to cross that particular bridge, his reply was that it wasn't a problem and that he would speak to his boss. I should point out that my friend and colleague, Lisa works there. She's trans and is in transition and is like a big sister to me. Anyway I then had to speak to my boss, wasn't as honest with him as he doesn't need to know and sent him an email formally requesting a transfer. I then didn't hear anything for nearly 3 weeks so I resent the email to my boss as I was getting really worried, I got a reply which was an email he'd sent to try and sort it all out. The following week I saw the "big boss" for the two locations, he's a really nice guy and was told that he sort it all out for me. I then got a phone call from the control room yesterday informing me that my transfer had gone through, but when I was talking to my scheduler, it would appear that I had been "outed" to the company, which initially did annoy me but then I thought to myself "s*d it, it's going to come out sooner or later". I am so pleased that it's all worked out as it has lifted a huge weight from my shoulders. :happy:

huge :hugs: and *cuddles*

Anna Marie x

[Siobhan Marie]

My Auntie Anne knows that I'm transsexual. She wasn't told but managed to put two and two together. I think my phone call to her nearly 4 weeks ago asking if I could see her as I needed to talk to her when she was over next might have had something to do with it (she lives in Spain). She's over at the moment because my grandad is in hospital at the moment.
Auntie Anne came over to see me last night and we had a long chat during which time she took the time to read the letter that I've written to the family and asked a lot of questions. She said that she will tell my uncle when she goes home. She also told me that she'd managed to get Mum to open up a little bit which is good. Both Mum and Dad feel that they've done something wrong, which they haven't. Needless to say it's left me feeling very concerned for Mum and Dad.
I've asked Auntie Anne if she'll look after my hair for me when I start to grow it out in the New Year.
I'm just glad that she knows and that I don't have to lie to her anymore because that's how it felt.

huge :hugs: and *cuddles*

Anna Marie x

[CaptLex]

Good for you, Anna Marie. With each person that knows, the burden gets a little lighter. Sounds like Mum and Dad are still processing it and need some more time to understand it all, but it takes us a while to get it so we can't expect others to get it quickly either - especially people who have known us all our lives and now realize there's a part of us they didn't know at all. Congrats on getting the word out to your aunt. :hugs:

[Siobhan Marie]

Hey Lex, thank you so much for your kind words. As I said I'm just glad she knows and that I don't have to lie to her anymore. I've always been able to talk to her and she is so much more than my auntie, she's my best friend.

huge :hugs: and *cuddles*

Anna Marie x

[Siobhan Marie]

I weighed myself on Tuesday as it was that time of the month again and found to my disgust that I'd put on 3lb this month. To say I wasn't happy was an understatement, I was livid and swore at the scales (nuts I know but it did help). What hasn't helped is the fact that I've been working a 60 hour week for the last 4 weeks and couldn't get to the gym as I didn't have the time.

On a much lighter note, I've decided to grow my hair, I want it to be just below my shoulders. I spoke to Auntie Anne on Tuesday and she gave me the following advice (she's a trained hairdresser)

Find a unisex hairdresser as I will need to have my hair trimmed every 6-8 weeks to help it grow, which I have done but have not had the first trim yet.
Change my shampoo to the one she uses and use the matching conditioner, again which I'm doing (Mum, Auntie Anne and I have the same hair type)
She also told me how to use the conditioner as I hadn't used conditioner before.

I've only been following my new hair care regime for a few days and the change in my hair is amazing, it's soft, shiny and manageable (well manageable at the moment!!)

I've noticed recently that my interests are changing, for years I've been interested in trucks, tractors, trains, planes and cars. Recently I've noticed that I'm no longer interested in trucks, tractors and planes and have thrown out, put into the recycle bins everything that I had that was related to those interests. I'm still interested in cars and trains, but am more interested in clothes, makeup and shoes now which can only be a good thing. The only other thing I do is to play video games, well racing games on my PS2 but how long that will last is anyone's guess.


:hugs: Anna Marie x

[Siobhan Marie]

I went over to see Mum and Dad as I needed to talk to Dad. I was going to do this yesterday but I had to work a nightshift last night.

When I got there I was hoping that Mum was going to see my grandad but she didn't so I asked Dad if he'd talk to me in the kitchen, he asked me what was up and I told him that it was time to tell the rest of the family about me. Dad said that he didn't see why as I haven't been to the doctors to get myself to referred to a psychiatrist yet. I replied that I needed to tell the rest of the family so that I can go forward. The thing with Dad as I've said before is that he doesn't understand and therefore doesn't see why. He seems to think that I'm going to open a big can of worms that he feels doesn't need to be opened yet.

I, on the other hand do vehemently disagree. I do need to tell the rest of the family because when I see any of them, I'm lying to them and I don't like it, I can't be the real me and it has to stop, which is why the rest of the family have to be told.

I'm going to send it out on the 12th or the 13th of June, by which time I will have been paid. I can't do it sooner than that as I have just enough money to live on.

Dad has asked to see the letter that I'm sending to the family. Which I'm going to send to him via email tomorrow. There are 2 versions of this letter, they are the same except for the paragraph asking that my grandad not be told about me. I'm not going to say anything either. The reason for this is that he's an elderly gentleman of advanced years, he's very deaf in both ears, he has got a lot of medical problems that he has to deal with and to be honest he really won't understand

I've also decided that Mum and I are going to go our seperate ways. Hopefully it won't be permanent, at least I hope it won't. This is for 3 reasons;

1. Mum won't talk to me about it or acknowledge it. This can't be easy as I am an only child.
2 Mum and I talk but we don't talk and thats getting harder to do.
3. I feel that by going over to see her, while it's nice to see her, I feel that I'm flaunting my transness.

This way she'll have the space she needs to come to terms with it all and when she's ready to talk then we'll talk. I'm also going to write to Mum and explain everything and send it tomorrow with the letters to the family.

:hugs: Anna x

[MJ]

hi Anna
i am so happy you are doing well so far.. when you send your letter to mum please tell her that you love her very much and that she did not fail you in any way... it's hard for mums to understand her "son" wants to be a woman... she does not understand she never had a son but a wonderful daughter with wrong body parts .. say what you have to say with love i am sure in time she will come around.. Anna you are doing everything you can to tell your family ... it's up to them to accept you or not you are doing the best you can..
hope all goes well for you
hugs mj

[kerrianna]

Hey darling girl, I don't blame you in wanting to tell your family. I've heard the "can of worms' argument before and all I can say is HOW can we keep such an important part of our lives hidden away from our loved ones? At least getting it out in the open will let you see who gets it (and others may learn to get it - I do hope your mum does, I like what MJ said :hugs:) and who doesn't. And you can move on. There may be negative fallout, but is that worse than the turmoil of hiding your true nature?

I hope your letter works out for the best.

If you want you can run it by me, or us, first for input. But I'm sure it will be good. You are a clever and resourceful girl. :hugs::love:

[Siobhan Marie]

Ladies, thank you so much for kind words and for your friendship. They mean such a lot to me. :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:


hi Anna
i am so happy you are doing well so far.. when you send your letter to mum please tell her that you love her very much and that she did not fail you in any way... it's hard for mums to understand her "son" wants to be a woman... she does not understand she never had a son but a wonderful daughter with wrong body parts .. say what you have to say with love i am sure in time she will come around.. Anna you are doing everything you can to tell your family ... it's up to them to accept you or not you are doing the best you can..
hope all goes well for you
hugs mj

Marissa, thank you. I'm really pleased with my progress too and couldn't be happier. I doubt if Mum will ever come to terms with this. Dad did tell me that my Auntie Anne did try and stick her :2c: into an already boiling cauldron, which did upset both of them, I don't know what was said as Dad wouldn't say. I can understand why Auntie Anne did this, Mum is her sister and is naturally very worried for her. When I wrote the letter which I have just sent via email to Dad as he has asked to see the letter that I'm sending to the family.
I have told Mum in the letter that I do love her, it was a hard letter to write, it really was. What I'm trying to do is to give Mum the space that she needs to sort this out in her own mind.


Hey darling girl, I don't blame you in wanting to tell your family. I've heard the "can of worms' argument before and all I can say is HOW can we keep such an important part of our lives hidden away from our loved ones? At least getting it out in the open will let you see who gets it (and others may learn to get it - I do hope your mum does, I like what MJ said :hugs:) and who doesn't. And you can move on. There may be negative fallout, but is that worse than the turmoil of hiding your true nature?

I hope your letter works out for the best.

If you want you can run it by me, or us, first for input. But I'm sure it will be good. You are a clever and resourceful girl.

Hi Kez, I agree with everything you've said. If I don't do this then I don't see how I can go forward and continue. What hurts and hurts deep is that when I see the members of my family that don't know, I feel as though I'm lying to them. My family mean the world to me, they really do and it is only right that they know. A prime example of lying to my family, I saw my cousin Kerry when my grandad was in hospital, she's like a big sister to me and I so wanted to tell her but I didn't know where to start and it really wasn't the right time to do so either.
I don't see how we can keep that part of ourselves hidden as it is who we really are. I really hope that you have found a therapist and are getting the help and support you need. Loads of :love: and :hugs: to you and Carol.

:hugs: Anna x

[Di]

Hon kudos to you for being true to yourself.....and very glad you are happy...:hugs:One thing ...indulge me.....as a mum......I was wondering if you could write her something added to the letter or...her own letter...just saying I am going to give you space...I love you and so on.......just so she knows ...why the distance. You prob already are doing that....but just in case...my :2c:...Best Wishes on your journey:hugs:

[Siobhan Marie]

Hon kudos to you for being true to yourself.....and very glad you are happy...:hugs:One thing ...indulge me.....as a mum......I was wondering if you could write her something added to the letter or...her own letter...just saying I am going to give you space...I love you and so on.......just so she knows ...why the distance. You prob already are doing that....but just in case...my :2c:...Best Wishes on your journey:hugs:

Hi Di, thank you so very much for your kind words. Everything you've said I've put into the letter, she has realised why I don't go over as has Dad. I have done the very best job that I can with the letter, which was really not an easy letter to write. :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

:hugs: Anna x

[Di]

Hi Di, thank you so very much for your kind words. Everything you've said I've put into the letter, she has realised why I don't go over as has Dad. I have done the very best job that I can with the letter, which was really not an easy letter to write. :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

:hugs: Anna x
Perfect.....just was worrying she might not realize...I'm a worry wart that way:rolleyes:....I bet it was very hard to write the letter, I'm sure....just what
kerrianna has said

I'm sure it will be good. You are a clever and resourceful girl.


Best Wishes

[CaptLex]

It's a big step, Anna, but it sounds like it's time for it now. I hope all goes well with the family. I'm sure it will take some time for everyone to come to terms with it all, but you're right about not lying and keeping up the pretense anymore. You do need to do this in order to move forward. Good for you. :hugs:

[Siobhan Marie]

It's a big step, Anna, but it sounds like it's time for it now. I hope all goes well with the family. I'm sure it will take some time for everyone to come to terms with it all, but you're right about not lying and keeping up the pretense anymore. You do need to do this in order to move forward. Good for you. :hugs:

Hi ya Lex, thank you so much for your kind words, they mean such a lot as does your friendship. You're right it is a big step to take but I can't lie to them any longer, it hurts too much as I love them so.
It'll be alright, those that feel that they can't deal with this and don't want to know, well I can understand that and will respect their decision. I just have to do this so that I can go forward and carry on with my journey. :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

:hugs: Anna x

[Siobhan Marie]

Well, its that time of the month again and time for me to get on the scales and see what I haven't lost.

Well, I got a pleasent surprise, I've lost 6lbs. Last month I weighed 17 stone 8lbs (246lbs), having managed to put on 3lbs. This month I weighed in at 17 stone 2lbs (240lbs) and that was without visiting the gym, which I haven't been able to do due to the fact that I've been very busy workwise and I just haven't had the money.

This gives me a total weight loss of 2 stone 1lb (29lbs) and I still have a long way to go to reach my goal weight of 13 stone (182lbs).

:hugs: Anna x

[Sandra]

I've just read this from the begining, it's good to see that you know what you want and you are doing it your way, one thing comes to mind is telling family before doing anything else, I can understand your Dad suggesting you go see a therapist first but when all is said and done it's your life and you need to run it how you want.

As for the weight loss well done and it just goes to show that one little hic-up doesn't mean it's the end of the world, you got back on track and carried on losing.

[Sharon]

You're doing fantastic, Anna, in so many ways! Congratulations! :hugs:

[Siobhan Marie]

I've just read this from the begining, it's good to see that you know what you want and you are doing it your way, one thing comes to mind is telling family before doing anything else, I can understand your Dad suggesting you go see a therapist first but when all is said and done it's your life and you need to run it how you want.

As for the weight loss well done and it just goes to show that one little hic-up doesn't mean it's the end of the world, you got back on track and carried on losing.

Sandra, thank you so much for your kind words. I read through this and through my blog sometimes and I just can't believe how far I've come since that first blog entry.

As I've said before and will no doubt say it again, Dad will talk although he freely admits that he doesn't understand and will talk to Mum for me. He knows that I have to do what I have to do and that I will do it my way.


You're doing fantastic, Anna, in so many ways! Congratulations! :hugs:

Sharon, thank you so much for your kind words. Your friendship, love and support mean the world to me as your friendly, patient and understanding ear when I need it and that seems to be a lot at the moment!!

Thank you for being my friend honey, lots of :love: and loads and loads of :hugs:

:hugs: Anna x

[Siobhan Marie]

I had to go over to Mum's today cos my shower burnt itself out yesterday and her and Dad were really kind and went and got me another one and have arranged to have it installed on Thursday evening for me.
Thank you both of you, I appreciate this more than you will ever realise. :love: and :hugs:

Got talking to the both of them while I was there about my journey, they started it, I didn't As I've said, Dad will talk but today was the first time that Mum has really said anything. She thinks that I'm being a bit self-centred in doing what I need to do, in that I don't consider their feelings to which I replied "I don't know what your feelings are on this as you won't talk about it" to which Mum replied that she found it all very difficult to deal with and that she'd spoken to her doctor the last time that she'd seen him and it turned out he'd been no help to her at all. I did tell her that I have got some stuff that she can read when she's ready and she said not yet.

I've agreed with Mum that I will tell her side of the family and leave Dad's side until at the least I've seen the doctor which will hopefully be in the New Year.

Today blew me away, it really did. It really wasn't something that I expected and means more to me than Mum will ever realise as it was a day that I didn't ever think would come. :happy:

:hugs: Anna x

[Siobhan Marie]

You may remember that I was going to come out to 3 of my cousins recently.

Well on Monday I put 3 letters in the post. I would have done this sooner but have been absolutely snowed under workwise.

The reason for the letters is that it was easier to do that than try and get everyone together. I've heard back from two of my cousins, Kerry and Lorna. Spoke to Lorna in the week and she told me that I've nothing to worry about and that she's there for me. She even offered to wax my hairy back for me, which I will get her to do.

Had a lovely text message from Kerry, it just said "I love you Kerry x". I will go and see her as she is like a big sister to me and we are very close.

Haven't yet heard from my cousin Karl, but then knowing Karl as I do, I'm not really expecting to.

:hugs: Anna x

[Siobhan Marie]

As you have probably seen, I've changed my name. The reason being that my family didn't like the name "Anna" as it had connotations to my Auntie Anne (who is not very popular with some of them, long story). So I've changed it to Siobhan and I'm keeping the middle name, Marie.

What happened was that I went over to see Mum, things are a lot better between us, Mum will now talk about it. She was worried how the family would react to my transition and she has found that she doesn't have to worry.
Anyway we got talking and she told me that the name "Anna" was liked for the reason that I've explained, so I asked her what she and Dad would have called me had I been born a girl and she said that I would have been called Siobhan. So I decided on Siobhan keeping my middle name of Marie and decided that I would use it here as it is the name that I will take into the world.

:hugs: Siobhan x

[Siobhan Marie]

It's that time of the month again (please don't groan). I should have weighed myself yesterday but I completely forgot, so I did it today and found that I haven't lost anything this month.

Work has been interesting, we transfered to our new employer yesterday via TUPE (Transfer of Undertakings) as our previous employer had lost the security contract where I work. It's nothing to worry about and life goes on. It just means that I'll be coming out to this employer as being transsexual instead of my previous one.

I went over to see my cousin Kerry on Friday, I was there for about 4 hours. We were talking for ages about me and other family stuff. It was lovely to be able to spend some time with her as it was something that I hadn't done for such a long time and I will make the effort to go and see her. We've always been close and she's the nearest thing that I've got to a big sister and I love her like a sister.

:hugs: Siobhán x

[Erinn]

Seems to me that as a transexual working in the security industry that you might one day bne considered a security risk. Have they seen your senual narcisitic photos. Be careful dear.

[Siobhan Marie]

Seems to me that as a transexual working in the security industry that you might one day bne considered a security risk. Have they seen your senual narcisitic photos. Be careful dear.

Erinn, thank you for your words. I'm not now and never will be a security risk as I'm out at work to all of my colleagues. My best friend, Lisa who is also transsexual works with me as well.

I take it that you've taken the time to read through my blog. I do state that the photos that are there are only there to make it look nice and nothing more.

:hugs: Siobhán x

[Siobhan Marie]

This may not seem much to some of you but I had my first proper hair appointment with a hairdresser today.

As you all know, I'm trying to grow my hair at the moment, its growing gently which is good but what it tried to do was to grow itself into an Afro which as you can no doubt understand I don't want. I have very thick hair and no fear of going bald.

Recently I found a unisex hairdresser in West Totton, where I live. I finally made an appointment on Tuesday for today. In case you're wondering why I hadn't done so before was I hadn't had the time or the money to be able to do so.

I saw the stylist and explained to her that I'm trying to grow y hair and why, I told her the truth because I want the right care for my hair so that it will grow properly and I wanted some advice and guidance on styles later on which she gave me. She was ever so nice, kind and very helpful in that she's given me a few things to think about with regards to what I want to do with my hair and what she can do with it.

She cut it and tidied it so that it can grow, obviously leaving it where it is growing.

It was a lovely experience and one that so felt so right. My next appointment is in 7 weeks time.

:hugs: Siobhán x

[Siobhan Marie]

That time of the month again. Weighed myself yesterday and was horrified to see that I'd put on 5lbs. This means one thing that I need to get back on the right path and get my fat one back to the gym which I will do next week when I finish this upcoming run of 7 shifts. I've started to do some sit-ups, 10 before I go to bed, once I'm comfortable with those then I'll add more until I get to 20 before I go to bed.

Work has settled back down post TUPE and we're back to Groundhog. The only difference for me is that I'm now working a regular shift pattern; 3 days, 4 nights and 3 off then 4 days, 3 nights and 4 off. It's a constant rotation, although it seems a lot , its not. I've worked this shift pattern many times throughout my time in security and can safely say that it really doesn't bother me. The only thing that I've had to do is to change my annual leave dates which wasn't a problem.

:hugs: Siobhán x

[Shelly Preston]

Good Luck with the weight loss Siobhan

And the regualar shift pattern should help your routine :)

[Siobhan Marie]

Good Luck with the weight loss Siobhan

And the regualar shift pattern should help your routine :)

Hi Shelly, thank you for kind words they mean such a lot.

It's nice to know what I'm doing week in week out again and at least I can start to make a few plans.

:hugs: Siobhán x

[Siobhan Marie]

I've just been watching Sex Change Hospital on Channel 4. Having actually seen what I've got to come and the long and emotional journey that I've got and that I'm on to get to where I need to be in my life is the right thing to do and the one thing in my life that I have do.

I can't stay as Bruce, it's so wrong and just not right, when I look in the mirror in the morning I don't see me and that kills me inside. I will get there, I know I will. I have to. As I type this, I've got a lot on my mind, my parents, my family. The one's I love so very much and would do anything for.

At the moment I'm stuck in drab, trying to lose weight and to grow my hair which while it isn't easy, it does go a long way to keeping me going day to day.

Just getting through everyday isn't easy, I can't be me, the real me. What I show the world is a facade, a facsimile. The people that I work with and alongside are truly wonderful and so understanding and as for my best friend, Lisa, I'd be lost without her. Honey, thank you so very much for being there, being my friend and for your understanding and for your patience.

Just thinking about it I've made myself cry. I do this sometimes.

:hugs: Siobhán x

[Jannis]

Dear Siobhan, I have been reading your ongoing journal and it sounds similar to mine. My family is very mixed in their reaction to my wanting to transition and it is hard to cope with at times. I have been letting my hair grow out and have found a very sympathetic hair stylist who gives advice on hair care and make up. I call her once in awhile just to chat for a few minutes. Very nice girl. I am also struggling with weight loss and vow to keep the battle going. I wish you all the very best and pray we can complete our journeys. I told my doctor and asked about hormones. He will refer me to an endo doctor when I am ready. He was a bit shocked at my disclosure, but did not try to dissuade me at all.

[Siobhan Marie]

Hi Jannis, thank you so much for your kind words as they mean such a lot. Where I go to get my hair done, I've only been once and was very honest with the stylist that I saw and she was ever so helpful in fact I'm due to go back in a week's time which I'm looking forward to and will naturally report back on how it all went.

I'm really lucky with my family as there is no problem with me doing this, the thing that I so need to do. They've offered to help every way that they can which is wonderful, it really is. Even my parents seem to be coping brilliantly to the point that Dad will try and tease me about it but then he feels so guilty about it afterwards. The only person who doesn't know is my grandfather, we haven't said anything because he is of an age, he's profoundly deaf and has got a lot of medical problems. This is going to sound awful I know but I'm just hoping that we don't have to say anything.

I haven't come out to Dad's side of the family as yet because I agreed with Mum that I wouldn't until I've at least been to the doctor's and got things going. But I can see problems there which we'll deal with as they arise.

:hugs: Siobhán x

[Siobhan Marie]

Well it's that time of the month when the scales say "one fat person at a time please". Weighed myself this morning and found to my surprise and delight that I'd lost 6lbs last month which includes the 5lb that I'd put back on, which now means that I weigh 17 stones exactly which is wonderful and yes I still have a long way to get to my target weight of 13 stone.

Went to the hairdressers yesterday to have my hair done as it was 7 weeks since I'd last had it done. You may wonder why I'm going to the hairdressers while I'm growing my hair. If I don't go my hair will grow into an Afro which I really don't want and it will be in my eyes making it impossible for me to see.

I was talking to my stylist, Chloe and was very honest with her about why I was there (it was the first time that I saw her as I saw somebody else the last time) and she advised me to think about moving the parting to a centre parting which I don't want and to decide on a style for my hair. I have attached two styles that I really like with a higher side parting than mine so that you can see what I'm going about. I'll let you let you know what happens next month when I go to the hairdressers.

:hugs: Siobhán x

[GypsyKaren]

I'm so glad about your losing weight, I know how hard it can be... keep it up my friend!

Karen Starlene

[Siobhan Marie]

Hi Karen, thank you so much for your kind words, they mean a lot to me.

Hope you and Kat are ok :hugs::hugs::hugs::hugs:

:hugs: Siobhán x

[Siobhan Marie]

I nearly forgot, today is the first anniversary of me finding myself. It's been quite a year as everybody who needs to know about me (apart from work as they don't need to know yet!!) does and that includes my parents. I'm growing my hair and have been going to a unisex hairdresser so that my hair gets the right care, I have even found a style that I like.

Talking of Mum and Dad, things aren't esay for them, Mum is not well at all and she is not coping with me and what I need to do at all, she is now back to where she won't even talk about it and doesn't want to know about it. She blames my friend Lisa for "influencing me" which we all know doesn't happen.
The problem is that I'm an only child which really can't make things easy for Mum and Dad and you could say that Mum needs someone to blame so she blames Lisa and reckons that I wouldn't be doing this if I didn't know Lisa as I'm not a strong person which really hurts as she is implying that I'm incapable of thinking for myself and making my own desicions in life. What I can see happening is that Mum and I will be our seperate ways and I can see Dad going with her. This wasn't meant to be a rant so I'm going to stop.

:hugs: Siobhán x

[Sharon]

Congratulations on the one year anniversary, Siobhan. :hugs:

As far as your mother is concerned -- don't give up yet. :happy:

[Siobhan Marie]

Sharon, thank you so much for your kind wishes. As for my mum I don't intend giving up on her, she might give up on me though.

:hugs: Siobhán x

[Siobhan Marie]

It's that time of the month again where the scales say "one fat person at a time please. When I weighed myself yesterday I was pleasantly surprised to find that I'd lost 4 lbs in the last month which meant that I weighed in at 16 stone 10lbs which is great.

On a sadder note, I have come to the very painful and sad decision that Mum and I really have to go our seperate ways. As I've said before she's not dealing with this at all, I thought she was but sadly she's not. The last time I saw Mum which was over a week ago, she accused me of being "influenced" and "brainwashed" into being trans by my best friend, Lisa (she refers to her by her old name) which as we all know just doesn't happen. She also accused of not being strong enough and not being able to think for myself which really isn't fair. I have offered to give her stuff to read in the past and she has not wanted to know. I have spoken to Dad and have told him that I need to speak to him, he asked me what it was about and I told him. I also said that I'm on leave from work for 2 weeks from today, he said that we would sort something out. I've asked him to come and see me at home as we really can't talk over at their house. I will let you know what happens.

:hugs: Siobhán x

[GypsyKaren]

It's really a shame that lines have to be drawn over such a simple and basic right, the ability to be yourself. Is being transgendered that evil to some people? I've never understood it, and I never will. I'm so sorry you have to go through this, it's all such a waste for a very beautiful person.

Karen Starlene

[Siobhan Marie]

It's really a shame that lines have to be drawn over such a simple and basic right, the ability to be yourself. Is being transgendered that evil to some people? I've never understood it, and I never will. I'm so sorry you have to go through this, it's all such a waste for a very beautiful person.

Karen Starlene

I'll never understand it either honey. Thank you so much for your kind words and friendship, they mean such a lot to me.

:hugs: Siobhán x

[KrazyKat]

:hugs:I'm so proud of you, Siobhan, for realizing that who you are, and your own happiness is your choice, no one else's!!

I'm rejoicing for you that you have one parent who is being supportive, 50% support rate sure beats 0!! Right!!

Sharing: I find it amusing when someone is losing "control" over you, and is getting desperate, they immediately use the reverse belittling technique, like your Mom saying that you aren't strong enough to not be influenced!! :(

Like, Mom, I'm stronger than that, I can find the way to become who I am,a real life chance to be truly happy, despite some unpopular opinions!! I hope that at best you will be able to talk and your Mom be civil, but sadly, it would seem she is more concerned with how all this reflects on her, like she is in control of you all your life, and she produced an inferior product, you!:eek: I find this to be sad, but only for a minute, as we have no control over how they think, either. I'm sure my only sister feels this way about me and mine, but, oh, well, so sad, too bad.

I'm sorry I hadn't responded to your thread before, as you are one of the sweetest, most caring and compassionate, supportive people I've had the honor of getting to know!!

That's a really good thing!!

You GO, Girl!!

[Siobhan Marie]

Kat, I really don't know what to say. But I will say is thank you, thank you for being my friend someone who is always there when it's good and there when it's bad and believe me right now it's so bad, it's so bad it hurts it really does. What you have is so right, what is so weird is that you've never met my Mum and thankfully you never will but you've summed her up in a few words, you really have.

At this moment in time, I don't even know if I've got still got Dad to turn to and won't until I speak to him. If Dad is with Mum and goes with her which will mean the three of us going our seperate ways and for her sake I hope he does as she needs him now more than ever, I've still got the rest of the family and my friends and to me that's what's important.

But why do I feel so bad that it hurts? Because I do have a conscience, because despite myself I care and because I never ever thought that it would come to this, a choice between being me, the real me or staying as I am for the sake of my parents. I win, I'm sorry. I've got one life to live and I'm doing it my way :happy: and :cry: at the same time.

Karen, Kat and all of my wonderful and caring friends, thank you for listening, for being there and above all for being my friends. I love and care for you all very deeply, that's who I am. A big soft cuddly bear.

Lots of :love: and loads and loads of :hugs: Siobhán x



p.s Don't worry I'm not going to do anything silly, I'm right here, where I've always been.

[Siobhan Marie]

Saw Dad today and told him that Mum and I have to go our seperate ways. You may wonder why I didn't tell Mum directly, well to be honest I don't think that she would have listened to me.

Dad is not happy about it which is understandable but I think he understands why this has to happen, at least I hope he does. He did say that he is not going to say to anything to Mum because she really isn't well, I do know and appreciate that she's not well but she does need to know or she will wonder why I'm not going over to see her.

One thing Dad did say that really worried me was that he wondered if I'd been "brainwashed" or "influenced" by my friend, Lisa (he also refers to her by her old name) to which I replied "if you'd taken the time to do any reading about this, you would see that it doesn't work like that".

I never in my wildest dreams thought that it would ever come to this, but sadly it has and I have to move on from it which I will do. I've had a raging headache over this for the last few days which has now gone and I must say that I do feel so much better.

:hugs: Siobhán x

[Siobhan Marie]

Went to the hairdressers today and saw Chloe. She asked me if I'd found a style that I like, and I showed her the blonde Hayden with the side parting (see post #66 so that you what I'm talking about). I found it in the September 3rd issue of Look. The parting is where mine is. I've never wanted my parting moved, not that it could be moved as it has been where it is for the last 31 years. Not much was done to my hair today but Choe and I were talking about my hair and what we need to do to achieve the style that I want for it. Chloe then said that I don't need to go back for 8 weeks so I've made an appointment for the 7th of December. I'm really really pleased with today's appointment as it's starting to feel like I'm getting somewhere.

I can honestly say that I've got over what happened on Tuesday. It wasn't a nice thing to have to do, but it had to happen. I've only got one life to live and there will only winner in my life, me.

:hugs: Siobhán x

[Siobhan Marie]

Weighed myself on Thursday and found that I'm still 16 stone, 10lbs which means I haven't lost anything nor thankfully have I put on any weight.

I've got some really good news on the situation between me and my parents, nearly a month ago we went our separate ways because of me and the fact that I'm trans and they couldn't and wouldn't deal with it. I really thought that all was lost and that I was on my own. Well, it turns out it's not the case. Mum and Dad have admitted that after a lot of soul-searching recently that they've had their heads in the sand. They've spent a lot of time on the Net reading various websites including one that I sent them in my coming out letter. They've applied to join a site called depend. They've also said that they'd like to meet my best friend, Lisa. It will work itself out but it will take time.

On the personal front, I've found somewhere that will do my eyebrows for me, actually it's where Lisa goes, I've made an appointment for the 5th of December. It was Lisa's birthday party recently and the first time that I'd been out for such a long time, I met Lisa's mum and her sister, they're lovely people, they really are. I had a really lovely time.

:hugs: Siobhán x

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Siobhan

This sounds like very good news

As you say it will take time but at least they are trying

I hope it does work out :hugs:

[Siobhan Marie]

It will take time as the only way is slowly, slowly catchy spider. I replied to an email they sent me, (they still use Bruce's email which is fine and doesn't bother me) and from the reply I got from Mum, I think that she has realised that she really could have lost me, which had this gone any further, she would have done as would Dad have done.

I read a saying on someone's signature on here recently "those that mind, don't matter and those that don't mind, matter" that is so true and so apt at the moment.

:hugs: Siobhán x

[Siobhan Marie]

Well it's that time of the month again. I weighed myself 3 days ago on the 2nd which was a day late as I usually do it on the 1st, but forgot to. Anyway the scales told me that I weigh 17 stone exactly which means I've put on 4lbs this month. Back to the gym in the New Year for me then.

Things are so much better between me and my parents now, we talk about stuff including my up-coming transition and they will talk comfortably about it. Going to see them no longer feels uncomfortable. I've even given them my list of internet links and they tell me that they are going throught them slowly.

I had a truly wonderful day today as I had eyebrows done properly for the first time. The lady that I saw, her name is Kerry and she works out of a salon called Pink Nails and Beauty in Bitterne which is on the east side of Southampton. My friend, Lisa has her eyebrows done there and I went with her to see Kerry last month to see if she'd do mine for me as I'm still in drab most of the time, well of the time and she was so kind and understanding about it. I saw her this afternoon and what she does is to wax them which leaves a nice clean line on the brow. It was the first time that I had had any part of my body waxed and it was a little uncomfortable to start with then I got used to it very quickly. Saw Mum and Dad this evening as I wanted to scrounge some wrapping paper and gift tags. I was also after some Christmas cards (Mum makes her own and they're lovely) which I was also given. They liked my eyebrows and said that they weren't too noticeable which is a good thing while I'm still in drab.

My hair is growing nicely and when I saw Chloe, my stylist at the hairdressers on Tuesday, she told me that it is at "bob" length now and still has a long way to go but it is doing well.

Hope that you all have a lovely Christmas and a peaceful New Year.

:hugs: Siobhán x

[Siobhan Marie]

Well, Happy New Year everyone, hope you all had a good night last night.
Even I was out last night with Lisa, we went to some friends of ours in Southampton. I had the best New Year ever, I really did. Everyone I could have hoped to have seen was at the party.

I got really scared inside around midnight as I had a reality check as this is the year that my journey really starts and everything that I've been going on about for the last year and a bit becomes very real.

As I have said before I will be transitioning on the NHS as I really can't afford to do this privately. The first port of call for me is my GP to be referred to a local psychiatrist. I will make the appointment for later this month.

I weighed myself and found that I still weigh 17 stone which means that miraculously that I haven't put on any weight or sadly have I lost any either. I will be going back to the gym as I still have a lot of weight to lose and if I don't lose the weight then I can't have the final operation at the end of my journey.

:hugs: Siobhán x

[Siobhan Marie]

This is the last post that I shall be making to this thread and to the forum as my journey is now at an end. If you need more information please take the time to read the last entry on my blog, the link is below.

:hugs: Siobhán x

[Sharon]

I wish you all the best, Siobhán. :hugs:

[Maggie Kay]

Siobhán,
So sorry to see you go. You will be missed.