Fully Out to Wife, finally

[Melinda]

My wife has caught me with girl clothes a couple times in the past few years. Each time I've chickened out and taken advantage of her need to deny my crossdressing and told her whatever she needed to hear to bury the issue back in the closet again.

When my wife caught me trying to dry an entire load of girl clothes the other day I finally found my balls long enough to come clean. Told her I've been crossdressing since junior high, can't stop and, having come to terms with myself, don't really even want to stop anymore.

Of course she was devastated, terrified of what might happen, a little disgusted and completely at a loss. Thank God for this forum. It was the posts with good advice about how to talk to your SO about our unique identities that allowed a couple of painful all night conversations to take place that actually made some progress towards mutual understanding.

Anyone thinking of talking to their SOs about crossdressing should certainly take to heart the advice so freely given here. In particular, never never never try to reason her out of her distress. All the logical arguments about double standards and freedom of expression, etc, sound to her like you are trying to force her to like and accept something she has been conditioned against all her life. Like it's her fault or something!

It's not her fault I demolished her view of her life by deceiving her for almost 20 years. It's my fault. When I accepted that her pain was caused by my inability to be honest in the first place and my inability to continue to live in a closet, her incredible, loving, caring, nurturing nature overrode her fear and we are working to maintain and even strengthen our relationship. She is not a person who accepts change easily or one who feels comfortable outside of traditional views and roles but is trying to accept that this is who I am. We have always had a great marriage and neither one of us wants it to end and I believe that this will eventually bring us closer and make it even better.

Anyway, I'm seeing a counselor who specializes in gender issues next week and we plan to go together soon.

As for me, I feel horrible for causing her this pain and wonderful that someone (the most important someone) finally knows the real me. I don't need to tell you all how horrible it is to feel like even the people who love you the most will run from you in disgust and horror if they ever see who you really are. Finding out that my wife will stand by me even if I'm wearing a bra and panties is incredibly joyous. I only wish it didn't have to come at such a terrible cost. Truly a bittersweet experience.

So, here's to my wife, a wonderful person, so full of love and caring that she is trying to set aside an ocean of grief and pain for love of husband and family. If you ever read this, I love you honey!

[diane59]

Kudos to you Belinda! I certainly hope everything works out well for you. I wish I had big enough Kahunas to do the same.:love:

[susie evans]

wish you the best it will just take time and hopefuly in the end all is well:hugs:

[Michelle (Oz)]

Belinda, you will feel so much better for having your need to dress out in the open but it is just the start of a long and difficult journey. After I told my wife I mistook mild tolerance for support and indulged myself too much in my passion to dress (the kid in the candy store phase). You will need to work on a balance between your needs and those of your wife. Good luck!!

[bgirl]

I wish you all the best and your SO as well. I've/we have just went thru that this last spring. And I agree that this site has been so helpful in coming to terms with myself. A lifetime of quilt and shame doesn't go away in a day, but I can now dress guilt free. I don't feel shame anymore either. I still have struggles but I try to embrace myself and not run from them. We are doing ok. Hope you will also. Give her time and love. Beth

[Victoria Anne]

elinda,congratulations,I commend you on your coming out to your wife.That said remember to proceed with caution and do not mistake tolerance fo acceptance.You are her husband and she loves you dearly and will try hard to become acceptant and withluckshe will and perhaps supportive as well.Just remember her feelings and always try to see things from both sides of the issue,be understanding without surrendering.Compromise is often an act that will lead to later acceptance,your love and you must be sure to remind her of your love for her,for her will help her to come to terms with your individualality/unity as male/female.
It is often when a woman is confronted with a tragedy (she may well see this in her mind as such),women tend to become matriaricle in thier nature,and attempt to guide you onto another path,a return to your male self if you will.This would be a natural response and ahould be expected. It is here at this point you will need to re-enforce your feelings to her about your dressing,the why's and wherefores as it were. Always keep her feelings in the front of your mind.If she is the woman you believe her to be,that we all hope she is your patience,love and understanding will eventually bring her understanding and hopefully her support for you as well. The best of luck to you both.:hugs:

[Sandra]

I hope things work out ok for the two of you, just take it easy with her and be ready for the days when she is not at her best with it hopefully these will be few and far between. One thing that may help is her joining this forum and the private GG forum, where she can find advise and support from other GGs and more importantly she will realise that she is not alone.

[wabnaok]

Belinda, I am sure this was painful for both of you and is good for the long run. I recommend you do not go overboard with the dressing and talking about it. Be sensitive to her feelings. Give her time to absorb it. Best wishes as you move forward!

[Tree GG]

Best of luck to you and your wife. Remind her frequently how wonderful her tolerance makes you feel. Also remember that she may never "enjoy" crossdressing anywhere near the way you do. Doesn't mean she thinks any less of you in any way, it was just never her fantasy.

[SatinSarah]

The other girls are so right. Don't take tolerance as acceptance. Since I came out to my wife it has been a bit of a rollercoaster. I took her for granted when she was so helpful in my dressing and went back to being banned. Sarah is now back (althogh only underwear in bed as long as she doesn't see Sarah full on). It is all about understanding how difficult this is for her. As my wife reminds me she married a man and likes to see him. She understands that part of me (about10%) is feminine but doesn't want to see me necessarily. When she is supportive it is the most wonderful feeling of liberation so be patient and hold in there!

Lol

Sarah

[Melinda]

Thanks for the support. I will certainly keep your excellent advice in mind and move very slowly. I'm certainly looking forward to having a professional involved in the discussion and hoping that her reassurance and advice will ease my wife's mind and smooth our path.

[kerrianna]

All night conversations...I remember it wasn't that long ago for me (last September). What's great is that you two are able to talk it out. I'm glad you were mindful of some of the stuff that you've read here to help you out. Some of the most helpful things I've read in regards to understanding how this is impacting my SO has been written by the SO's (GGs) of crossdressers here who have been able to articulate what THEY'RE feeling. It helps to bridge communication gaps.

If you haven't seen Cheryl's 'Grief Over My Life's Dream' post you should read it. It's an interesting insight on how our coming out can affect our partners. http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=48586

You didn't say whether you mentioned this forum to your wife, but I think she would benefit by reading stuff here, and becoming a member of the GG section. It's great that you two are working together on this, but she might have times where she needs to get support on her own side.

Good luck! :love:

[Melinda]

Ahhh, I completely agree that she could benefit from this forum but right now if I suggest she do something (anything) she'll interpret it as me pushing her and she'll push back. I hope she finds her way her someday. I have told her about the forum and that there are wives and girlfriends with their own private board if she needs someone to talk to in answer to her complaint that she has nobody to talk to about this but if I try in any way to push or direct her here it will only make things worse. She would feel like she had committed to being part of the CD community and therefore agreed to accept my crossdressing and had been tricked and backed into a corner. It doesn't make sense to me but (thanks to my fine feminine empathy :heehee: ) I do know my wife and this is exactly how she thinks. She was the one who asked me to contact a therapist for both of us and just the act of going to therapy means that my crossdressing will stay in the open and she won't be able to go back to pretending it doesn't exist. With lots of luck, patience and love it will become part of her daily life and she will learn to accept it. Who knows, maybe even enjoy it on some level. Thanks for all the love and support.

[Madeleine]

Unlike some of you my experience has been almost negative. I decided yesterday after talking with my daughter, who was upset and did not recognise a picture of her Dad dressed, to totally purge. It was while musing over this that my wife caught me in tears and she wanted to know why. Being that my defences were down at the time I confessed to being CD for almost 60 years. The result is that the bottom has fallen out of her world (married for 46 years), and words are now hardly spoken. Her looks at me show contempt. I'm not so concerned for me as I know I have the love and support of the CD community here and in the UK - but she is alone and there is nothing I can say that she wants to hear.

I saw my Dr today who has prescribed SSRI's for seratonin balancing as I presented with clinical depression, and she has arranged for some general councelling for me after I described my CD practice. I also suggested a full blood chemistry evaluation to provide for a wider scope of examination to perhaps see if there was any hormone problems. I have 3 weeks to wait for my initial consultation. Fortunately here in the UK it is free.

My daughter is delighted that all is now open but concerned about our relationship. She knows her mother as well as I and she understands and accepts that if my wife fails to come to terms or otherwise ignores MY PROBLEM that our relationship may have to come to an end. I have given her 50 years of my life and all I want is about 10 years or so of mine for me. Sounds harsh doesn't it but when youv'e been celibate for her for 30 years after her total hysterectomy it doesn't sound so bad does it? Our kids are all grown up and have families of their own so there is no fiscal problem there - only emotional ones.

So - for those who have complete and understanding SOs there are equally those that don't, so go for it and thoroughly enjoy it with all my love. I'm sure things will work out for me somehow (By Jove! I think the tablets are starting to work!) lol

Love and hugs to you all out there - Madeleine xx

[Joy Carter]

I'm glad for you but you do know this, she will appear to tolerate it but deep inside she really wants to scream. This is what I have found out. She told me that this is so contrary to what she believes (both religiously and humanly) that she can't bring her self to tolerate it. She knows it has done me a world of good to accept myself and be myself. So I take the hit to keep her happy. She is really my reason for living.

[Di]

Good luck to you both..... just be honest with her from now on...and now it is out in the open...you can work through this together...when and if she is ready...we are here for her. Best Wishes

[Mary Morgan]

Belinda, if you were as articulate with your wife as you have been here, she could not help but be impressed by your candor and your depth of feeling. You put it all very well. Continue to honor her and yourself.

[kerrianna]

Ahhh, I completely agree that she could benefit from this forum but right now if I suggest she do something (anything) she'll interpret it as me pushing her and she'll push back. I hope she finds her way her someday. I have told her about the forum and that there are wives and girlfriends with their own private board if she needs someone to talk to in answer to her complaint that she has nobody to talk to about this but if I try in any way to push or direct her here it will only make things worse. She would feel like she had committed to being part of the CD community and therefore agreed to accept my crossdressing and had been tricked and backed into a corner. It doesn't make sense to me but (thanks to my fine feminine empathy :heehee: ) I do know my wife and this is exactly how she thinks. She was the one who asked me to contact a therapist for both of us and just the act of going to therapy means that my crossdressing will stay in the open and she won't be able to go back to pretending it doesn't exist. With lots of luck, patience and love it will become part of her daily life and she will learn to accept it. Who knows, maybe even enjoy it on some level. Thanks for all the love and support.

It sounds like you do have fine feminine empathy. Keep using it and it will serve you well with this. You seem to have a lot of love and respect for your wife which will also serve you well.

Good luck. You know we're here for you. And your wife if she ever wishes. :hugs:

[Holly]

I agree with Louise... you express yourself eloquently. Now that you have opened the line of communication, you must maintain it. Spend at least as much time listening as you do speaking. Mix in compassion for your partner, stir in a generous helping of reason, pour into a pan of compromise and bake until done in an oven of love. Yield- two partners hopelessly and lovingly committed to one another.

[Robin Leigh]

Congratulations, Belinda! :hugs:

Maybe you could print out Cheryl's post that Kerrianna referred to & show it to your wife. I bet that if she reads it she'll be dying to talk to Cheryl & the other GGs here. :)

:hugs:

Robin

[Angie G]

Belinda I wish you and your wife all the best and hope she con deal with this 100% I know I hid it from my wife for years 37 years how she knows and accepts Angie but not full time at home and I'm OK with that and she has all the feelings you wife has and is trying hard to understand and I think she hase somewhat :hugs:
Angie

[Cheryl GG]

Brenda....sounds to me like your ahead of the game already (with respect to your wife)....you are to be commended in my humble opinion....I have come to understand that it takes time and that love CAN conquer all - even CDing - so dont you dare give up on her...I love my husband just as he is (and it took time for me to remember that) and I am sure that every GG here will tell you they adore their SO just as much as I do mine....I hope that maybe one day she will join us....it can help her to come to a much better understanding of this new wild card in her life....I wish you nothing but love and happiness in life and am glad that you found this site....welcome to the forums....xoxoC/

[heelme]

Belinda,

What a huge step to take, congraulations. I can align my own experience tightly with what you wrote. I was married for a spell before telling my wife and she is also slow to change, has traditional, old fashioned values and we had to that point, a great relationship going. You mentioned seeing a professional and I can say that doing so was a turning point for my marriage. Ironically, the pychologist we saw (together and independently) related essentially the same things I was saying, but from her, it seemed to be better understood by my wife.

I think my wife was upset and confused on a few levels. One, I didn't tell her sooner, as in BEFORE we got married. In my defense, there were no known forums or groups of which I was aware at the time - 17 years ago. So, there was betrayal. Second, she was keenly afraid my crossdressing meant I was also switching to homosexuality. So, I was no longer the man she married and was destined to hook up with a cabana boy and leave her. Third, my "sudden" decision put her in a position to be scutinized by her (our) family and friends, as well as the same for our two sons. Mixed together, it was a recipe that had no hope of contiuing our relationship. As in your case, my wife is slow to change and does not accept abrupt changes well. That was a tough time. Once we separated and licked out wounds, allowed the proverbial dust to settle, we were able to come back to the table and begin ernest discussion on the matter of my crossdressing. That led to persuing professional help, which after another month of bi-weekly sessions, led to a foundation of tolerance and a shimmer of acceptance. From that time to this, both of us have grown. I've learned valuable lessons on sensitivity and she has learned I am the man she married afterall. She's grown a better understanding of what crossdressing is. If anything, these last few years have brought us ever closer and I believe our love is stronger yet. It IS bittersweet and I appreciate that every day.

I guess what I'm saying is that while this a milestone for you, as so many others have put it, it does not mean that tomorrow morning, your enlightened wife will be 100% with you on all you want to do. I don't think you expect that ether. She's sounds like a wonderful person and it appears you have a solid basis for relationship already. I have faith you two will have less trouble than many coming to terms with it all. I wish both of you the very best!

heelme

[EricaCD]

One step down, many to go. But that was the big one... Best of luck to both of you!

Erica

[Jamie1574]

As a wife whose husband confessed about his crossdressing just two months ago I understand how your wife may feel. It's been 2 months and I still get upset when I think of my husband in women's clothing. Our marriage is still wonderful and our communication has improved more than ever. But I still feel like I don't know him, like he's not who I married. And that is why I joined this forum, to try to understand it better. I will admit it is going to take me a long time to accept his crossdressing and I'm not sure I will ever be able to see him dressed, but I hope to understand it. I love my husband though and always will and I know this will make us stronger!

[TxKimberly]

Congrats on coming clean (punn intended considering HOW she caught you with the clothes washer) AND this was great post with good advice. As you said, it's a bad idea to try and shove any information at her until she has had a chance to come up for air.

Kim

[melissaK]

I have told her about the forum and that there are wives and girlfriends with their own private board if she needs someone to talk to in answer to her complaint that she has nobody to talk to about this but if I try in any way to push or direct her here it will only make things worse.

Yeah, that's the leading horses to water vs making them drink it thing. Somewhere horses and humans must share a strand or two of common DNA.

Discinskirt, everyone has their fingers crossed for you . . . and maybe a few prayers too.

Lots of great stories here. And special hugs to Madeleine, :hugs:

'lissa