Told My Parents

[ZenFrost]

Sorry about the length, I just needed to get this off my chest. It's the real reason I joined this site. At this point in my life, I need some support from people that can understand what it's like to feel this way about my gender. (most people in the trans community can relate to some of this stuff at least)

Of all the things I may be, one thing I am not is a person who would rush into something major without thinking things through. Since I'm not the type to act rash and do something drastic without spending a lot of thought on it, this is a really big deal.

I've worn guy's clothes since I started high school and when I started college, I went by a male name (still do). But... I don't like sports, cars, cookouts on the grill, or other male-like things. And I do like cooking, I prefer to wear women's underwear, I like dresses and skirts (on occasion), and I even like having breasts (sometimes, but only because they're small). I thought that I was just a tom-boy or a girl in men's clothing. I'm so androgynous that I feel like I don't fit as a man. I don't feel very masculine but I'm really not all that feminine (I can't stand make-up, I don't like "chich flicks," I hate gossip and "girl talk," I don't like the whole "women are emotional" thing, and in a group of women I feel very out of place). So I thought.

And thought.

And thought.

About everything.

And I realized... Yes, I'm genetically female. Yes, I like a bunch of female things. Yes, I'm androgynous to the point of not really being butch (or femme, for that matter). But when I really thought things though (for the past half year it's been all I've been thinking about), I realized that the male part of me outweighs the female part of me, by a lot. I'm still very androgynous but I am truly fed up with being a woman and I decided that I'm not going to be one anymore.

Like I said, I'm not the type to rush into anything, ever, so I'm not going to make my final decisions right away. I'm giving myself time to continue to think. But I am finished with being a woman, and I told my parents today.

They were okay with me being a lesbian (I told them quite a while ago) but this was a whole different matter entirely. I discussed with them both separately about the fact that I'm going to legally change my name to a male name, and I MIGHT go so far as to undergo surgery. For now, I will continue to wear male clothing but I will be more serious with binding my breasts (my breasts are actually pretty small and I can get away with not binding them if I wear a loose jacket over my shirt). My mother said something during the conversation that almost brought me to tears, I certainly didn't feel very manly at that moment. And my father said something about "being screwed up" to undergo that kind of surgery. But in the end, the both supported me and I can't express to them how truly grateful I am.

The reason I waited to join this site until now (as opposed to when I discovered it some months ago) is because I knew my cross-dressing was becoming a serious thing and not just a tom-boy phase I was going to grow out of. After all the thought I put into who I really am, I know that I'm about 3/4 male and 1/4 female. That makes me pretty androgynous... and I do still own dresses which I have every intention of wearing, but they are just costumes. To wear and pretend to be a woman on a rare occasion (like Halloween), but it's not who I am on the inside.

I'm probably never going to change my gender surgically or start hormone therapy. I think a side effect of being a lesbian is having an strong affinity for the female body (though I'm not satisfied with having one) so I don't want to become the gender that I'm not sexually attracted to. I think it would make me feel like a lesbian trapped in a man's body instead of my current issue of being a man trapped in a woman's body. Of the two I'd rather just be a cross-dressing lesbian because its truest to my andro/butch nature.

Again, sorry about the length. I really needed to get that off my chest (now if I can just get these damn boobs off my chest... ;-) j/k)

P.S. Like I said, being a cross-dresser isn't anything new, just being this serious about being male is. That's the part that's a big deal with my parents.

I just don't want to be alone in this boat (my family certainly can't relate) so if you've read this far, thank you.

[pocoyo]

Hi Zen!

A lot of what you say sounds really familiar and I can identify with it.
Don't worry you're not alone, many people here feel similarly & can and will support you through this journey.

I think it's great that you told your parents and that they were supportive in the end. I know it hurts when people that are important to you say stuff like "some of your thoughts are pretty screwed up", but it's just 'cos they don't understand (yet). In time I think family and friends can really gain a greater understanding, just like we have had to ourselves. The fact that they seemed accepting on the very 1st time you discussed it with them is really hopeful!

Even lots of people born male enjoy things like cooking (even if they don't always admit it :p). Anybody, of any gender can enjoy whatever the heck they want! In my opinion people should do what feels interesting/fun/good/right to them, whichever gender that has been traditionally assigned to. So don't ever feel bad or confused for feeling "girly" or enjoying "female activities". I know lots of completely straight, macho guys who are real softies and enjoy "female" activities. At the end of the day, it's what you're happy with - how you feel about yourself, how you feel comfortable and how you want to be percieved - that matters.

Every single person is a mixture of genders (again, whether they admit it or not) and I think that is a wonderful thing and helps to make us good, insightful, complete people!

Very good luck to you indeed. It is brilliant that you seem to know your own mind, and what you want, so well.

Awesome :D :thumbsup:

[Abraxas]

I can relate to a lot of what you're talking about. Especially the not being entirely male and not wanting hormones/ surgery. I have different reasons than yours, but I get where you're coming from.
I've talked to my mum a lot about what I want/might want/don't want and I always end up getting emotional about it. I think it's normal, even for people whose parents are accepting (if not always completely understanding and clued- in. After all, they haven't gone through it so they can never completely 'get' it).
I have a problem in that I really can't decide what I want for myself, and I find that trying to talk things out (either with other people or just to myself) confuses me even more. But it seems as if you know, at least, generally, the direction you want to head, and that you've really thought it through and will continue to do so. And that's an excellent jumping-off point.
:thumbsup:

[bi_weird]

Hey Zen, congrats on talking to your parents. I don't think that can ever be easy. We can throw you a coming out party if you'd like - when I came out (as bi) to my parents this group I was in handed out party hats and brownies, and it really is deserving of that kind of attention.
I can relate to the whole andro thing too. I wear mostly womens clothes, with a steady increase of male clothes over the last six months. Haven't gotten around to trying boxers yet, that sort of thing. I'm mostly happy with being female, which on some level makes this all the more confusing. If I like some of what I was born with, then why do I feel it's so wrong sometimes? It's great that you seem to have things reasonably figured out, 'cause I know I'll prolly never have a clue as to who I am. *HUG* wait crap I need to get to class...assume this concludes understandingly and intelligently.