cd friend now a girl

[lowlavalentine]

A few years back I spent several days with Diana, a cd friend of mine, in downtown Chicago. We spent virtually the whole time in girl mode. Went shopping, went out to eat, went to the theater ,went to gay clubs, transgender clubs, lesbian clubs and straight clubs. Shared a hotel room, shared clothes and shared stories. Passed together, got read together. It was one of the most fun weekends I've ever had in girl mode.

Then I lost touch with her for a couple of years. Recently I got an email from her and was surprised to find that she now had breast implants and was living full time as a woman. I don't think she's had SRS, but I don't know for sure.

She emailed to say that she wants to get together again in the next couple of months. It seems odd to say but I find myself thinking that I might feel uncomfortable in that situation. Spending time with another cd was one thing, but spending time with her as a card carrying woman would lend a different dynamic to our relationship.

Any suggestions as how to handle the situation?

Here's a photo of me and Diana in less confusing times.
http://img.villagephotos.com/p/2005-5/1020887/LowlaandDiana1.jpg

[Talon DeRojo]

Lowlavalentine - Wow! This is a novel situation. Are you concerned that she might want to be romantic/sexual with you? Would you be interested? One idea might be to ask her if she wants you to show up in guy or girl mode. What was her sexual orientation before? Maybe ask her what she'd like to do when you get together. I really don't know what to say, but I hope that these ideas and those that follow from others are helpful.
Talon:happy:

[Bethanygirl]

Excuse me, but are you asking if you should accept her as she presents herself? If you should be feeling weird or 'uncomfortable' being out with her?

Unless I am mis-reading your post, my answer would be, look in a mirror.

I hope you work out these feelings, for your friends sake...

[Cyndie]

I think that she is looking for a friend. The path that she has taken has got to be a very lonely road. What happens to the family and friends that she had when she live as a guy. Many time they all go away. I think that maybe she remembers you as someone who accepted her as a girl and that you had fun time together. Maybe she needs that now. She needs a friend. Just something to think about.

TTFN :hugs:
Cyndie

[Mary Morgan]

Lowla, A friend is a friend. She may need your friendship more now than before, perhaps not. Her change in status doesn't change the person. Isn't that what we always say to our critics? I say meet catch up, if the friendship is still there, you'll know what to do.

[Cathy_NJ]

I agree with others here. It sounds like she very much needs and wants a friend, and since you have at least one thing in common, she is reaching out to you! Be her girlfriend!!

[Sharon]

Tell Diana that it would be in her best interests to find a true friend.

[Amanda Jane]

be a friend

[lowlavalentine]

Are you concerned that she might want to be romantic/sexual with you?
Talon:happy:

She was a hetero male, she had been married at one time but is now widowed. I think she's just out to renew our friendship, nothing sexual. I'd like to provide that - the last thing I'd want is to reject her. God knows as tgs we endure enough rejection from the mainstream without contributing ourselves.

But her change in gender DOES change things. For instance, although I'd be happy to meet her and go out to lunch together or even a girl's night out, I wouldn't consider sharing a room with her now. Maybe I'm just being too conservative, but I'm married and it just wouldn't seem proper.

[joanlynn28]

Go and meet with her, you are still friends right? Fact is she needs you more now than ever us special girls need a good friend too nothing else has changed.

[Courtney A Anderson]

It seems to me you already know what the right thing to do is.
So good luck and enjoy your friends visit.
:hugs:

[RobertaFermina]

:2c:

Seems to me that you can tell her about any new boundaries that you have with her in her new status. If it comes from your heart and your vows it should naturally be acceptable. :angel:

It is up to her to understand and accept the relationship that you can comfortably and reasonably share with her.

I'm guessing that the glass will still be more than half full.:hugs:

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[MJ]

She was a hetero male, she had been married at one time but is now widowed. I think she's just out to renew our friendship, nothing sexual. I'd like to provide that - the last thing I'd want is to reject her. God knows as tgs we endure enough rejection from the mainstream without contributing ourselves.

But her change in gender DOES change things. For instance, although I'd be happy to meet her and go out to lunch together or even a girl's night out,
I wouldn't consider sharing a room with her now. Maybe I'm just being too conservative, but I'm married and it just wouldn't seem proper.

well i meet cdr and i am full time , just make it known you are not in to any weird or sexual stuff just girlfriends that's all . then go and have a great time. i am sure you both have a lot to catch up on

[EricaCD]

By all means meet her! A friend is a friend. You will sort out the boundaries as to where too-much-familiarity begins naturally enough.

Erica

[DonnaT]

I can respect the fact that you now think of her as a woman, and being married would feel uncomfortable staying in the same room overnight. So don't. Get a separate room.

Then enjoy the memories, and catch up on what's been going on, etc.

Being a CD doesn't mean you can't be friends with another woman other than your wife.

[Chiana]

Excuse me, but are you asking if you should accept her as she presents herself? If you should be feeling weird or 'uncomfortable' being out with her?

Unless I am mis-reading your post, my answer would be, look in a mirror.

I hope you work out these feelings, for your friends sake...

Ditto. What Bethanygirl said. I am having a hard time grasping your point of view.

[Angie G]

Lowla would you want her to turn her back on you if if were you who looked her up
Angie

[linnea]

I think that you should meet her and enjoy your time together. Your being married doesn't seem to me to change anything unless you have feelings for her beyond friendship. I think that it really splits some interesting hairs to think that two CDs having a "girls' weekend" is any more or less proper than a CD and a TG having a "girls' weekend"--but that's me. You've got to feel right about it within the context of your friendship and your personal value system.
Personally, I'd have another girls' weekend.


She was a hetero male, she had been married at one time but is now widowed. I think she's just out to renew our friendship, nothing sexual. I'd like to provide that - the last thing I'd want is to reject her. God knows as tgs we endure enough rejection from the mainstream without contributing ourselves.

But her change in gender DOES change things. For instance, although I'd be happy to meet her and go out to lunch together or even a girl's night out, I wouldn't consider sharing a room with her now. Maybe I'm just being too conservative, but I'm married and it just wouldn't seem proper.

[Stephenie S]

Dear Lowla,

I think you are obsessing over nothing here. Has she asked you to spend a night with her in a hotel? Has she come on to you in any way? Not unless I am misreading your post. Just treat her as the friend she was. Of course you won't want to spend the night together. You are married. Don't cross that bridge until you come to it. I am betting it won't get to that point. If it does, deal with it then. You are sort of jumping the gun here.

Steph

[cdjenny]

i would go spend time together..after all she is your friend..still the same person..with just a different look thats all...how would you feel if your friend died today and you never got to say goodbye. your friend might not dye today but i think you know where i am coming from here, you would feel real bad that you had one more chance to spend with your friend but chose not to because you..say it might cause you discomfort...look you already had a ball together as girls..so whats the big deal now...go visit your friend..i am pretty sure that yall will have a ball together once again...just dont abondened your friend..:2c:

[Penny]

"A friend in need is a friend indeed"!

:hugs:

Penny

[eleventhdr]

But what does seem to be the problem here I am sure she mean's nothing by asking you to meet once again!

People are always reading a lot more into stuff then really does lie there.

And hey you can always just ask her if she is still now just a friend well nothing ventured nothing gained.

Unless you want to be dear abby or something.

Hey you can always do what Clark cable and Paulette Goddard did in that old movie put up a sheeet between your beds in the room hey it worked for them way back in the 1930's so what the big deal.

Suzy!

[Brianna Lovely]

"She was a hetero male"
"nothing sexual"
"But her change in gender DOES change things."
"I wouldn't consider sharing a room with her now."
"just wouldn't seem proper."

Initially, I was hurt and offended, by your post. Then I re-read your post and the replies, and calmed down enough to post my opinion.

It seems to me, that you have taken a friend, and now put her in a different class of people. What, now she's a "homo", a "he-she"? Someone to be shunned?

Maybe you have some of your own issues that need addressing.

This past summer, I went to a convention, out of state. A friend of a friend, needed a ride, and we spent seven traveling days together, five in motels.

He was gay and had never met a CD person, so I told him that my dressing was more about my "feelings" than about the clothing.

We slept in separate beds, and kissed each other good-night. We hugged each other and held hands, when we recounted some of our sad experiences in life. For those few days, we were friends, and we "loved" and accepted each other, as people.

Lowlavalentine, you have the chance to share your friendship, with another PERSON, don't let your own prejudices and perhaps, your own hidden desires, cloud your decision in this matter.

[Kieron Andrew]

just cos she's had implants, hormones or whatever doesnt make her any less of the friend she was.....go for it, have fun like the good old days

[Kristen Kelly]

I think that she is looking for a friend. The path that she has taken has got to be a very lonely road. What happens to the family and friends that she had when she live as a guy. Many time they all go away. I think that maybe she remembers you as someone who accepted her as a girl and that you had fun time together. Maybe she needs that now. She needs a friend. Just something to think about.

TTFN :hugs:
Cyndie

I agree with Cyndie, Over the years I've had many close Female and Male friend so close many times people thought we were envoloved romantically. I have enjoyed and clerished these friendships go with the flow where you are confortable with.

[lowlavalentine]

Excuse me, but are you asking if you should accept her as she presents herself? If you should be feeling weird or 'uncomfortable' being out with her?

Unless I am mis-reading your post, my answer would be, look in a mirror.

I hope you work out these feelings, for your friends sake...

I think that once again I'm not expressingly myself clearly - not the first time or the last time in my life.

When I think about it some more the question in my mind is not so much about friendship, which is something I value and want to maintain and nuture, but about etiquette and dealing with a shift of priorities. This has much less to do with outward appearance and what we see in the mirror than it does with our internal sense of who we are.

Although I may look like a woman when dressed I still identify my self as a man. Diana most certainly does not. The rules we play by in society are fairly well defined for women and men, men and men, they are a bit fuzzier for cd to cd, and they are even more fuzzy for cd to transsexual.

I don't know if you've had the experience of having a cd friend pursue a transsexual course. I've had that experience a number of times. Generally what I've found is that after she transitions there is often a separation that occurs. It's not because anyone is rejecting the other or refusing to be friends, it's because of a shifting of paradigm and interests. For instance many of the subjects that cds find of interest or find exciting on this forum don't create excitment or interest for the average gg and become of less and less interest to a transitioned transsexual. Some transsexuals don't want to associate with cds for these reasons.

Its a subtle point, but I think a real one. Thanks all for your insight.

[Angela E.]

If so, I don`t understand the problem.-Angela.

[Emeralddragon]

Answer one thing for me Lowla. When you went around having fun together did you enjoy it? If the answer is yes then another question that must be asked is did she enjoy it? Now you just have to ask yourself what made the times so much fun. If the answer to that one is that you connected on a much more emotional level than you care to continue with due to some small changes she has undergone then slap yourself in the back of the head and tell yourself to cop on.

She is the same person you knew before with different experiences and thats all. She has experienced more in her life which has caused her to want to reconnect with people possibly because she is going through hard times and needs old friends that can help her put everything into perspective again. If youre worried about things looking proper then dont bother. Youre not attracted to her and she most likely isnt attracted to you. Treat her the same as before and things will go fine.

After all Im sure your previous experiences with people that transition most changes seem to come about because you treat them differently. Physical differences mean very little and are easily forgotten if you simply try.

[Salina]

It sounds like you may be overanalyzing things a bit, I'm notorious for that. My suggestion is to go and see what happens. If boundries need to be set along the way, you can do that. From what I've read from you Lowla, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders.

[Talon DeRojo]

Lowla - Thanks for responding to my queries and those of the others on this thread. I now have a better idea of why you feel somewhat apprehensive about meeting Diana again. I, too, might have some hesitation about sharing a room. I do appreciate that you want to continue to be a good and supportive friend. Perhaps stay in separate rooms this time and spend time together elsewhere in order to work out the concerns that you mentioned.
Talon:happy: