I'm ready for HRT and Therapy finally!

[loriannetucson]

Hi, all, It's good to find comfort and caring among friends.
My job and family life
has been so busy that I haven't had a chance to deal with Lorianne. More than ever I
feel like it is undeniable that I am indeed a woman inside. And I
constantly worry about what life could be like at work with all the machismo, and at home for my wife and kids if I
were to transition full time.

Without overburdening you all, I wanted to let you know I FINALLY
went and so a psychiatrist for my depression and transgendered
feelings. And believe it or not, it was my wife's idea and she
pushed me to look into it. Well, my regular doctor had started me on
Zoloft a month before and the psychiatrist has now referred me to a
Gender Disorder Specialist. I finally made contact with a CSW who
specializes in T-folks and I made the appt. to see her in two weeks.
I can't believe how excited I am about this!

You see, I don't know if I am able or if I will be able to transition
full time in the near future or even long term, however I feel like
I am ready to begin HRT. I know seeing a therapist is the first
step. And living so close to the border has tempted me to buy
estrogen in Mexico or order them online. I know I can't do that. I
need to do this the right way. I'm hoping starting HRT will help me
deal with my GID (I hate that term!) and allow me to feel more
feminine. Testosterone is starting to take its toll on my body at 35!

I also walked into Wingspan today, a GLBT resource and computer
center in Tucson. It took me 10 years to get there, sheez! Well,
the staff there were amazingly friendly, and they really made me feel
comfortable enough to stick around for about an hour. I got a few
resources about the meetings for T girls every month and I really
want to attend the next meeting.

It's funny. Through the years I have begun the transition process a
little at a time. I'm at the point where I shave my legs (did that
in high school), and have almost completely changed my jeans, pants,
capris, and shorts wardrobe to women's clothing. Almost all my shoes
and sneakers are women's. And I even started wearing women's
underwear this year for the first time. Interestingly, the feeling
of comfort was great, but I anticipated possibly becoming aroused by
wearing them. That has not been the case. In fact, none of my
women's clothes get me sexually aroused, at leat not anymore and they
haven't for a long long time. I know that is yet another sign that I
am not just a crossdresser. For years I labeled myself as somewhere
between CD and TS, but the gratification is in identifying more with
the woman inside, not just to have a brief moment of looking like a
woman and feeling girly.

Where I am really at with my self at work is this: I have been able to
wear dressed down clothes to work. Almost all my jeans are American
Eagle women's jeans, and they are tight, superlow, and hug my
curves. They clearly look like women's jeans. The only comment I
received was two weeks ago when someone opened the bathroom door as I
was standing relieving myself and said, "Those are some TIIIIIGHT Jeans!" I didn't find out who it was who said that. But other things I'm doing is plucking my eyebrows to fit a more womanly shape, and last year someone asked me if I plucked... of course I denied it then. I also keep my arms shaved close and three weeks ago someone asked me if I shave my arms. Again this coward said no, but tonight I shaved them REAL close and if they ask again I'm going to say I do because I hate body hair.

One other big thing, a couple of months ago a coworker came up to me and said, "Hey, I heard someone saw you at WalMart wearing CAPRIS!" said, "You mean 3/4 pants? Yeah, so?" He said, "But those are girl's pants!" I said, "Well, they make them for men, too, and I got mine at GAP. Go online and see for yourself." I was sarcastic when I said that. He looked back and said, "Uh...Oh..." as if he was stumped. I walked away shaking my head as if he were an idiot, and I'm sure he felt like one.

What I'm getting at is that I KNOW I've given enough signs to get people to question my orientation. Of course, people's first thoughts are "He's GAY!" Well, I consider myself a biologically male lesbian, I guess I am in that respect, but I am not attracted to men (yet) nor do I attempt to display many feminine mannerisms... until now. This week I have begun to let Lorianne be who she is. It is just sooo freeing.

I won't ramble anymore. I know I can always post here in confidence, and any thoughts on my beginning therapy or HRT are MORE than welcome. Also, what are your thoughts on how I'm going about allowing myself to be seen like I am at work?

God bless, and be safe out there. It's a mad mad mad mad world!
Lorianne

[joanlynn28]

Lorraine, your story sounds so similar that I could be myself talking. Just want to say that everything is going to work out okay. Myself I have always wondered if these feelings are real or are they just a fantasy of mine that could never be realized. But you will find that if your feminine feelings are true that they will just grow stronger until you cannot ignore anymore and must respond to them. Yeah I ditched the male clothes well over a year ago, was in therapy for well over a year and a half and than the one thing that was preventing me from exploring further was removed. I started with small steps, just dressing a week at a time to finally just going fulltime. And that is when I realize that these feelings are real, that it just feels naturally how everything should be. And then the transformation gradually starts, letting the hair grow out, the nails, shaving off body hair, you know. And yes when people ask you deny it, but yes I would give an honest answer if the question was direct instead of assumed. But fortunately for me another girl befriended me, took me under her wing and steered me along the correct path. The best of friends the two of us have come, because when the feelings are true about ourselves others who have the similar feelings can sense them in another. That and getting connected to others in the tg community are the best thing to happen to me the past year. Been on HRT going on three months and the changes are getting very apparent now. So much that I finally had a good long talk with the human resources about coming out, my job is the last place that I havn't gone full time, but its time to. What I want to say in closing is welcome and glad that you are here, you are definately at the place that you need to be. From just another friend and sister out there.

[MarieTS]

Ditto what Joanlynn said.

And yes, it's an important discovery when you realize you are not dressing for kicks, but rather because it is the natural way to present, and because it is the way you truly see yourself.

Have faith in youself, you're progressing well.

[Calliope]

Wow, Lorianne, you really sound like you've, er, launched the ship. (And, those American Eagle jeans are rather nice.) It's exciting, the progression. (Myself, I've been slowly seeing men in a 'different light.') You really sound like you've got your self together - stay in touch, willya?

[loriannetucson]

Thank you all for your support. Finding support among friends has proven to help me stay afloat, above the waterline of depression.

A couple of days ago my wife and I were at a place that does botox and after the consultation my wife was the one who suggested that I try it. The doctor said that it would lift my eyebrows to a more feminine style with the brow raising above the bone edge. I was surprised that she was okay with it, but she told me she thought that I would look good and that it was what I wanted (to have more shapely eyes).

After the procedure I have noticed that my eye brows sure are higher! And since I pluck my eyebrows already for a more girly look, it's even more noticeable. I wonder if I'll get made at work, but at this point, like Joan Lynn, I don't care anymore. I'm ready to handle them. I can tell them to go "pound sand" if they don't like it.

I have the appointment for the therapist next Tuesday... YAY! I hope she will soon let me begin HRT. I really don't want to do it on my own.

Gotta go to work, ttfn!
Lori Anne