I told my wife of my secret - I'm scared.

[Paula A]

OK I did it and Im still alive, but bairly.

I sat my wife down last friday night and I handed her a letter, I had to write it all down so I could express all my thoughts without loosing where I was going, I wrote her about how I was aleays different, How I was always picked on as a kid for being different some how. my confusion, my depression and almost ending it all as a young teen. told her about as a kid tucking the bottom of my Tee shirt through the neck to make the appreance of a bikini top. the locking it awy and it comming back. the fact that i figured out that I don't want to be a girl and Im not gay, that I am stuck in the void of being nither male of female but a bit of both. and that I have a clothing fedish and I like to wear her clothes, so that must make me a crossdresser.

OK there it was, I let her in my closet. and it got really dark in there. :eek:

We talked, we cried, she was mad about me keeping a secret, but she understood that this is the way i was made and I could not help that :D I was scared, I answered all of her questions honestly (well almost). She said before that she did not want to be married to a woman. remember that post. and that she loved me very much but she is not sure how or if she could handle it. I was very scared about loosing her, and she is scared that she lost the MAN she loves.

She is working on trying to understand, she even ordered a book from amazon(she would not tell me which one) she asked all kind of questions, we were up all weekdend, by monday morning we both felt a connection to each other that we haven't felt in years. but still she was not sure if and how to handle it.

Monday I bought her a dozen roses because she understod that this is who I am, and she said she would try to see if she could handle it and because I love her so. She asked me If I had to be in the mood and if I would dress for her, I said "No, I, don't think I was ready for that." I'm not sure if I'm not ready, or if I'm not ready to see her reaction. And I didn't think that she was ready since she has only known for a few hours. ( I have known about this my whole life and I have been just begining to deal with it).

Here is where I messed up:
Being married with two boys a house all that goes with it money has always been tight and a stress point for us. We've been having very open and honest cominucations all weekend, and we both felt really connected, like we haven't had for years. Anyway when she asked my if I spend our little bit of extra money we had on stuff, instead of telling her that I had a stash, I said No, Dumb.

I felt like a real jerk, like I did the worst of unholy things, (in her mind I did) - I lied. so feeling bad about it since that conversation on Sunday, last night I told her that I screwed up and That I indeed had a stash and that it is laid out in the bedroom, all of it, and if she was ready she could go in there and have a look, if not OK I'll put it all away.

She went into the bedroon and closed the door, At first I heard her sniker and laugh, then she was silent, then she started to cry. I felt like a total heel for not telling her. She is not ready yet to see me with a complete makeover as a girl. she wasn't sure how "into this" I was (how deep I was in) she saw the couple of outfits and hot pink tights and fish nets (I tried the goth look once) and laughed but then she saw my one pair of heels, small freak but she could deal with it, but what really flipped her was the jewelry (two small necklesses and some clip ons and such, nothing expensive) and the long curly synthedic wig. It totally freaked her out the thought of me looking like a girl. she was first angry for lying ( I derseved it), then very upset, we talked intill 1:30 this morning, I think she'll be OK, but as she said she took ten steps backwards, I know I can never wear the jewelry or the wig in front of her.
At the end of the night she asked if I could right down what I need to do to make me happy (dressing wise) She also told me that my taste in clothes suck and what I had wouldn't due (maybe a shopping trip could be in order :D ) She said to write down what I needed and she would read it and see if she could handle it. we are setting guidlines. could be good, I won't know untill I know -ya know?

I know she is trying with all of her heart to understand this.
I guess I'm OK, but I'm scared that WE won't be.

[lady lycra]

Paula I know what you are going through. I've just done very similar, but although my wife hasn't yest seen my (small) stash. I've told her where it is, and she is welcome to edit out anything she cannot handle.
I don't have a wig or jewelery, though I do have a black choker hidden away (still)

You could well be at a crossorads. Just be sure to take the right turn. Only you know which one that is. You could of course continue on the same road.

Good luck. I hope that it all works out well for you.
Please keep us informed. I'd love to hear how you get on and how you tackled some of the curve balls that are probably going to head your way.
I have a few heading my way at the moment, so i need to know how to handle them.

Take care

Linda

[Tristen Cox]

I'd say you are in a very touchy situation at this point. You can guide her but most of all see this from her standing, how would you feel if you were her? She is trying, so all you can do is make it as easy for her as possible. Give it time to settle in and don't overeact. You've taken a big step. Let her make the next move.



Love
Tristen

[Tamara Croft]

WOW.... This brings back memories for me. The long chats, seeing the clothes etc... and I know what your wife is going through. You WILL be ok if you get support for HER!! You see something hit me today and it really upset me big time. I realised that you all have support here and there is hardly any support for the GG's. We have been taken into the closet with you and it's harder for us to get out because of the lack of support. It's hard for a GG just to open up and pour her heart out how she's feeling on a forum because they are so deep in the closet. We need to come out of it too. I know there is a GG forum, but there is a bit of a problem with it and until that is fixed, I can't officially open it. There will be support there for your wife when and if she needs it. As for you 'never' being able to wear jewellery etc in front of her... well you can work towards that. Never say never!!!

Tamara x

Just wanted to add the GG forum is now fixed and up and running :D

[Ava Mouse]

Paula,

If it's any consolation, my wife responded similarly and is OK with it today. She wishes I didn't have this crazy hobby, but loves me unconditionally.

Your wife definitely loves you, and you're a lucky man to have a wife that will even try to understand. Now, ask her what HER needs are to help her through this situation. You're both vulnerable now and can grow closer and stronger, too.

[sherri]

Everyone here has probably had this experience:

A friend or mate or coworker lies to you, disappoints or betrays you, or you find out something about their past, and it suddenly hits you — a sharp cold realization, "I thought I knew this person, really knew him/her, and now I see that I don't know him/her at all."

There's a person your wife doesn't know in her house, and it scares her. Really scares her. In the heart and mind of a good person — and it sure sounds like your wife is a good person — two competing instincts kick in: withdraw, and try to understand.

[Maria2004]

"I was very scared about loosing her, and she is scared that she lost the MAN she loves."

My wife had the same worry, though initially I didn't care if I lost her, we reconnected and I love her more then ever for setting Maria free and giving me this deep sense of peace and contentment. To honor that I make sure she still has the man she married as well as a new girlfriend. She would prefer I didn't wear girlie stuff to bed so I never do, this year she found out she had thyroid cancer. She had to have her thyroid completely removed then we had to go to Texas for radiation treatment to finish it off. During these times I never wore anything, didn't say anything about CDing, didn't even look at womens stuff when we went out, just made sure she had her husband there for her.

The outfit I'm wearing in the pictures thread she bought for me afterwards, she cried and told me how much she appreciated what I did for her (yeesh I'm starting to cry remembering) which to me was a too tiny price to pay for what she did for me, allowing Maria to finally live. That's how I dealt with that one point you brought out, not saying this is what you should do but it works for me.

I hope you and wife can work it out, the sense of peace is unbeleivable.

[Paula A]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement, I have been on this road for such a long time, but my wife, she is feeling like she fell asleep on the way and awoke in another country, and I have been like I have been set free, like the weight of the world is now off my chest. I have asked her what she needs and she is not sure.

Tamara;
Thank you, could you please PM when the GG forum get up and running, in the mean time can you point me in the right direction for other good S.O. informative sites that I can pass on.

I bookmarked a couple of CD sites (including this one) and I told her that they were there in case she was curious.

Ava;
Crazy hobby, I never thought about it that way, thanks.

Maria;
Thank you I think that we are really starting to become truely intamate and share our very dep down thoughts and dreams and I'm hopeful.My heart goes out for you, what an ordeal, how is she doing?

I will keep you all informed updated as I go through this. For one I feel better getting it out and two, maybe I can be of help to the next closet husband.

[Wendy me]

good luck girlfreind my wife knows but dosen't want to ...............you will be in my thoughts.......................................... .................................................. ...

[Maddie Knight]

Paula, my fiance has known for years and accepet it but there are times when you must put cd'ing aside and be a man for your partner. I have found that there are times my fiance wants a man for the support only a partner can give. Be wise not to force cd'ing onto her and maybe she will accept it or come to some agrement.
My best advice is to be open, honest and take it one step at a time.
Good luck.

Love
Maddie

[LindaTS]

Hi Paula,
I can only say that I think you did the right thing and things will probably work out for you. I know a TG who went through something like that and her insight as to what a wife is going through is worth hearing. The wife feels cheated, lied to, and has probably lost some of her trust in you. But in every case that I know of, things worked out for the best, as I'm sure it will for you and your wife. I'm not able to speak from experience because none of that ever happened to me. But I know lots of girls who have. Keep trying and things will get better as time goes on, although I'm sure it will seem like forever. Good luck. And if you ever need a shoulder, I'm not that far away.

[DanaJ]

Paula, I know we have PMed a few times in the past, and I am not married so I have no real advice or experience here. I just wanted to say, hang in there and if you need a shoulder to cry on, or a buddy to talk to, just PM me and we can set something up...

DanaJ

[DonnaT]

See Tamara's post!

She's going to want to be able to talk to someone other than you about this.

Let her know that there are other wives/girlfriends on this forum or the CD-F forum (http://crossdressers-forum.com/forums/)

My wife and I are constantly talking about my CDing even after 29 yrs.

[ChristineRenee]

Your wife is going to need some time right now to work through her feelings about you being a CD Paula. Now is the time for you to ease off of the CD'ing and make sure that you reassure your wife that you love her and that you are still the same man she married even if you have the desire to wear women's clothes. Time can be your ally here. I know that you are scared that you might lose her but she is going through similar feelings as well. Just be there for her...particularly emotionally...and be honest and forthright about everything.

It's going to be like walking on emotional eggshells for awhile Paula, it always is when this kind of news first comes out, but I'm betting that you'll both work through this over the next few weeks and months and that your relationship will emerge stronger as a result of it.


I wish you both nothing but the best and hope everything comes together for you in a positive manner.


Love,
Christine Renee

[Fiona K]

Hi Paula,
I'm sorry I missed this thread before, we're all here for you and many will know what you're both going through. I know I do.

Hang in there, support her, answer the questions when they come laugh at the forced jokes when she tries ot make light of things and for gods sake don't push. Things are very raw here after nearly 3 months I'm not sure there is progress yet and she has categorically said she doean't want to see my wardrobe.

I guess time and consideration are the only healers in this situaton.

Take care of her
Fiona
xx

[Megan_Renee]

Love her... I have found that my wife was most afraid that I would stop loving her (as if!) So I need to be very careful and spend a lot of time loving her. other than that she is mostly ok with me dressing!

Megan

[Trinity_cat]

Hiya Paula,

I know exactly where your are at this time, and my heart goes out to you.
I am in the same position at the moment. Being caught wearing a bra under my drabs. That was only last week.

Unfortunately, I can't give you anymore advise than the girls have already. This is all good advise and you make sure you take it. Having a loving wife is half the battle and I sure hope things turn out great for you. Just remember, the ball is always in her court, and always be honest as possible with your answers.

[cdgirl]

paula now that your secret is out take one step
at a time with your wife.i give you alot of credit
and courage for what you did. 22years married i
be to scared of telling my wife about my dresses
and wig.sweetheart you keep your head up i hope
you and your wife can share your inner woman
together in time.huggs your sister cdgirl.

[Paula A]

Thank you evryone for you kind words, Im going home to my wife and family, I will be back tommorow. Thanks for caring, it is nice to know Im not alone, and others have made taken this step successfully. :)
Paula

[Vickie-CD]

I'm sure that took a lot of courage. It is my thought that if you are going to do something on a regular basis it is best to be honest with your partner. I know that is easier said than done, but it is much better than being caught. It sounds corney, but "honesty is the best policy".
Best of Luck,
Vickie

[Jenney Love]

I told my wife a little over two weeks ago, she is dealing with slowly, which is what you need to do. Don't push it on her to fast, she may appear fine with it, but it may actually be shock you are seeing, and not acceptance, as I learned the hard way. My wife let me dress the other day (she was at work and has no wish to see me at this point), so there is always hope. Of course after she got home, she said to me, once a week is ok, but no more. I can live with that for now. Last night she was looking through the L.L. Bean catalog and handed it to me showing me the "nice mens shirts", I guess we have a ways to go. Trust, honesty and love will get you through this.

Jenney

[Holly]

Paula,

I can't add a thing to what has already been said. Just know that we all are here to support you AND your wife.

[Megan_Renee]

My wife says that you should just give her a bottle of Saki and then come out in a pink night gown saying, "I like pink... You should make me wear night gowns every now and again. I like girls clothes..."

Ok... So maybe that's not a good idea... but it's what I did... ya...

Ok, so She had Saki, and I was way more drunk than her...

Megan

[Sharon]

Paula,
I told my wife within a few days of her moving in with me. Two years later we were married.
Like Maddie says, there were times when my wife needed me to be a man (most of the time actually), but she recognized that there were times when I needed to be me. Sometimes she let me sequester myself in the bedroom (we had children), and other times she and I would go away for the weekend, with no limitations placed on me. These weekends seemed to free her also, with no fear of us being seen by family or neighbors.
Give your wife time to digest all this. Make sure she realizes that you are still "you," and that the only thing that has changed is that you have finally let her in on everything there is to know.
It sounds as if you have had a wonderful marriage, and your wife is sure to recognize this. Just be there for her and answer any more questions she has. AND NO MORE SECRETS!!!!

Good luck Paula. You're in my thoughts.

Love,
Sharon

[MichelleGray502]

Paula
My wife knew the very first date we had i thought best way was to let her know right of the bat that i was a cd and like wearing women's clothes so she knew right away that wasn't any secrets about me that she could off found out from someone else which would made it a lot worst. at first she was a bit schocked but after a few mintues she undrstood on why i was doing it and said evryone has the right to wear what they want as long as i took my dressing seriously and looked good. anyway to make a long story short i started dressing as michelle after that night quite regularly and still doing to this day and my wife loves it and very supportive in every way you can imange and couldn't think of what it would be like not being to see michelle if she ever stopped what she was doing, but that will never happen if she has to it so i am very lucky indeed.

on that note paula i do feel for you on what you are going through with your wife a lot of girls in here are going through as well, like everyone else has said so far if you have a strong marriage things will work out and get better from here i am really hoping for the both of you that they do.

if you have any questions myself and the rest of us girls in this forum will support you the best we can
take care sis
Michelle_peanut_Skirter

[Danielle1960]

I had and have the same problem with my wife, so I really can relate. I've slowed down alot on my new found love of CDing because she is very important. As time goes along I think she is starting to melt and understand but there is more time to go. I really hope you are able to work through this so both of you benifit.
Danielle

[Melissa A.]

You know how I feel, sweetie. thinking about you. Been there, and want the best for you. She sounds like she is trying. I know it's hard, I really do. Give her time, it doesn't happen right away, but I know you know that. Left you another PM. Your'e in my thoughts, been where you are. It's no fun, I know.

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[Sweet Susan]

Paula,
I don't think I could say anything that hasn't already been said. I do think you have handled your end well. Your wife seems to be coping. If I were you I wouldn't beat myself up too much for holding back about your stash. I think it was a natural thing to do, and you came clean rather quickly. You're doing well.
I'm impressed with the number of people who have come out to their wives in the past few weeks. It's been rather phenomenal. It shows that this site has been offering the support and giving the strength necessary to take the steps that we all need to take in order to come out. What we have here is a real community.

[Holly]

...It shows that this site has been offering the support and giving the strength necessary to take the steps that we all need to take in order to come out. What we have here is a real community.Susan,
Here, here.

[Helana]

Paula

Firstly, congratulations for finally coming clean with your wife. That is the most important thing of all, now there are no more secrets. Did you ask for her foregiveness?

Secondly it is clear in your post that you two have already begun to explore the important ramifications of your CDing, most importantly that the man she loves and married is still there, that you have not changed, and you will continue to support her as the two of you together learn how to deal with this issue.

You say your mistake was to lie about the stash, but since you owned up quickly that is forgiveable. The real mistake was showing your stash to her that quickly. Remember what we all tell each other - go slow!

You should have told her first what was in your stash so that there were no surprises. I cannot imagine what images filled her head when she saw the items and imagined them on you. That is one of my golden rules - no surprises.

As the others have said you should back off and give her all the time and space she needs to digest this. She is still in shock. She sounds like a loving wife and since she is already discussing guidelines this is a good thing in itself as it shows she understands that this is part of you. I think everything will work out fine but it will take time.

Don't worry about the wig and jewellry, those come later.

We are all thinking about you and hoping for the best. Just keep talking and reassuring her as her husband. Also suggest that you treat her to some new clothes to balance out the money you spent on yourself. ;)

[Helana]

Susan,
Here, here.

Absolutely, if this forum encourages others then it will quickly avalanche throughout the wider on-line community. This is really the type of thing we need to promote if the TG community is ever to progress. I also think Tamara's point about setting up the GG forum here is an excellent idea to give both sides the support they need to see them safely through the minefield. I sincerely hope that the GG forum florishes and that couples come here together to reach an understanding.

[Paula A]

Just a quick note to everyone.

THANK YOU

everyone has been soooo supportive, we have been talking about what I need as a CD-er to be comfortable and happy with who I am. SO....

All I told her as that I wanted her understanding and openess about her feelings regarding my hobby, acknowledgement of the true me and a small hint of acceptance. To be able to put my things in the closet and dresser and not have to really hide them and be able to wash stuff with our other clothes.

Also I asked, when you take the boys out for Hair cuts and shopping, give me a wink and call when you are on the way home. Allow me to wear nylons under my drab pants (they are very warm in the winter And feel sooo good) and IF and only if she is comfortable with it and the boys are not home, (just her and I) to be able to dress up, (not fully) just skirt, nylons, heels and such, (no make up or wig i'll let her decide that) and just watch t.v. or go about our domestic chores in the house while dressed, I also wrote that if at any time if she was not able to see it, or didn't like the way I was behaving or whatever for her to say "Paula please go and change" and I will, no questions. She has also asked to see me dressed again and I also told her that if she needed to see me in a skirt before she can make any real decissions that I will get dressed for her. I also said that since I have never been dressed in front of anyone else (only me and the mirror), that I would feel a bit uncomfortable, just like her.

Aside from her reaction, the one big thing I'm worried about is getting a rageing one (that you can't hide that in a skirt) and having her think that I'm just some sort of sexual pervert.

She is the best and she's trying to understand, but she also wants to see Paula and I am scared of her reaction. I have been trying to let it go at least for a night to not mention it or talk about it just to give it a rest for a bit. Well she keeps asking and talking about it so I guess she really wants to know more about me and my hobby. My thoughts are just a skirt w/nylons and shoes, with a drab top, husband on the top, girl friend on the bottom. I tried it out today and its not all that bad. IF she asks to see me I will have to show her, Wish me luck.

[Maddie Knight]

Don't worry about getting turned on when dressed in front of your wife, my fiance finds me very sexy when dressed and some of the best sex we have had is when i've been dressed. Just make sure your kids are out of the house.
If she wants to see you dressed why not oblige, but do it properly and don't let her see until you are compleatly changed, being half man / woman is not very apealing to some women. Good luck.

Love
Maddie

[Helana]

Thats great news Paula, things sound like they are going well. The things you asked for all sound reasonable to me and I am sure that she will see it the same way. Still she will want to know where all this will eventually lead to. I think that is uppermost on most So's minds, will you keep pushing the boundaries and end up cross-dressed all the time etc.

Do try to dress a bit conservatively at first so that she is not overwhelmed by your feminine image.

As for hard-ons - wear tight briefs! Like Maddie, my girlfriend thinks I am sexy dressed up so sexual arousal is actually a good thing. Once your wife gets used to seeing you dressed then I doubt if it will be a problem that your dressing may often lead to some love making! ;)

[Holly]

Paula,

It sounds like you and your wife are well along the way to an understanding. It just proves that two people who love and care from one another can work through anything. Now that you're past the initial shock, keep things slow, with heeps of reassurance along the way. I am confident that you will both be just fine. You, Paula, are inspirational!

[ChristineRenee]

I agree with Helana's posts. It sounds to me like you are doing the right things and that she is making the effort to understand. Just continue to dialog and get feedback from her as to what she needs from you. It will be a process for you both and will take a lot of love, support, and understanding to make it all work, but it sounds like you have made a real positive beginning here.

Best of luck with this and keep us posted as to how things progress for you both.;)

Love,

Christine Renee

[Tracie Lynn]

Hello Paula, I can realy sympathize with you and what your going through, I hid me CDing from my first wife but decided to tell my second wife before we were married she said that she understood and excepeted it and even suported me in that she would help me shop for femenine things and even buy me frilly gifts once in a while but I don't know for sure that she ever realy fully excepted that it was as strong of a part of my life as it is we divorced a year ago and she insisted my CDing had nothing with her disision to seek a different life for her self some times I still wonder, my heart goes out to you and I will be praying for you.
Love & Hugs Tracie Lynn

[lady lycra]

If she wants to see you dressed why not oblige, but do it properly and don't let her see until you are compleatly changed,

My wife and I are going through a simailar process. As we were having yet another discussion, she suggested that we start off slow and I go and put my panties and tights on.
I agreed but only as long as she left the room. She refused, so I put them on in front of her.
As I put my tights on, she flipped. Not because I was wearing tights, but because I put them on so well, Like I'd been doing it for years ( I had!!)
She then realised just how often I must dress when she's not around. This was what made her flip.
She admitted later that she'd thought I'd make a complete hash of the tights, that's why she wanted to watch.

Once she got over how good I was, she allowed me to stay in them, as long as I put my rugby shorts on over them :)

Small steps will still get you to your destination. It will just take a little longer.

Linda

[Lauren Richards]

Paula,
You have been honest and open, and brave. Remember that you have known about this for a lot longer than she has, and it may take a long time for her to catch up to where you are. Think about it as if you started out to the store before she ever woke up in the morning. You would probably be there a while before she arrived. Have patience. Lots. And lots. Best wishes to both of you, and loads of admiration for taking a huge step toward an honest relationship. It's the best, ever.

Lauren

[Fiona K]

Slow steady stages are the way to go, no doubt. The difficulty is to know what those bloody stages are! The only guid is to talk and to try and drill down to what is the bottlm line for each one.

My wife found that fact that I had a shash of clothes was off putting, then she understood what I'd told her- that I had whole outfits, shoes, make-up, wig etc and BOOM she couldn't handle that. She'd expected me to say a few pairs of knickers and a bra or two thinking it was just a harmless kinky interest.

When I talked more about my feelings of femininity, even while in drab that was another trigger, she realised this was more than a sexual fetish.

But, who knows what the future is bringing, I now have my girl undies beside my drab ones in my drawer, entirely her idea. She still hates the thought of me fully dressed (I made the mistake of emailing her my profile picture thinking it was a more gentle way for her to meet the other me) it made her cry.

For some reason my having the undies in my drawer and being able to wear the panties at least under my drab is OK.

So like I said who knows?!

We're all in uncharted territory but with support and cautionary tales we can help each other through it.

Fiona
xx

[Helana]

Slow steady stages are the way to go, no doubt. The difficulty is to know what those bloody stages are! The only guid is to talk and to try and drill down to what is the bottlm line for each one.

My wife found that fact that I had a shash of clothes was off putting, then she understood what I'd told her- that I had whole outfits, shoes, make-up, wig etc and BOOM she couldn't handle that. She'd expected me to say a few pairs of knickers and a bra or two thinking it was just a harmless kinky interest.

When I talked more about my feelings of femininity, even while in drab that was another trigger, she realised this was more than a sexual fetish.

But, who knows what the future is bringing, I now have my girl undies beside my drab ones in my drawer, entirely her idea. She still hates the thought of me fully dressed (I made the mistake of emailing her my profile picture thinking it was a more gentle way for her to meet the other me) it made her cry.

For some reason my having the undies in my drawer and being able to wear the panties at least under my drab is OK.

So like I said who knows?!

We're all in uncharted territory but with support and cautionary tales we can help each other through it.

Fiona
xx

Hi Fiona, I see you are from the other side of the glen, I am a Glasga' lassie myself. I think you are correct in highlighting that the second "tidal wave" that hits your SO is when you reveal the extent of your stash and she realises how profoundly important this must be to you and it goes beyond a fetish.

I am sorry that she hated your picture. I think it would have wiser to have asked her first if she wanted to see it though. I guess she is still afraid that she will lose the man she married.

My best advice to everyone who has a SO struggling to come to terms with CDing is to keep talking to her about the real benefits to you and your relationship - meaning how getting in touch with your feminine side helps you develop into a better, more loving, more empathetic partner, perhaps more fun-loving too. The more benefits she can see, the more open she will be.

Good luck, keep talking and keep loving.

[Paula A]

Well things have changed a bit.

I think now is the right time to step back and let her work out some things out. Good - going a bit fast for me and seams to be consuming all we do and talk about. I'd like to give it a rest a while and let things settle down. (for her) because otherwise I really just want to be able to dress the way I want, like now, but I know I have to be patient.

We have been keeping a journal and putting our thoughts down in it, seams to work especially with young ears around. So after I wrote what I would be comfortable with she tells me that last week she would have been ok seeing me in a skirt, but not now since she has so many more questions, some of which see needs to find the answers out for herself.

One thing has changed she is not yet ready to see me in a skirt, she has soo many more questions. Whew, good because I don't know if Im ready for that yet either.

She says nylons (stockings really) under drab is OK, I guess but if you get in accedent, well the secret is out, (remember when your mom said you should always have clean underware on just in case you got in a accedent?). SO OK I can wear nylons. YIPPEEE :D

I can put things in my dresser or hang them in the back of my closet but we are not home all the time and if the boys need a tee shirt or sox and they could find something, well the secret will be out to them and they can't keep their mouth shut. Sooo, OK I can stash stuff carefully - where I can get to it easily. but I still have to be carefull, At least I dont have to hide it from her.

And she said when they are not home, how will she know what I do? and she willknow to call home but.... what about the boys as they start to drive, we not going to tell them to call because they'll want to know why. They'll be coming and going with their friends with out notice. you could get cought in a dress. :eek:
ANY suggestions on how to handle that one?????

She says she wants to be fair but still has concerns, and she's not sure she can love this new fem-man and much as the man she married, she has her doubts.

So now I wait, and answer any questions that come up I guess, at least she is making an effort, one small step at a time. I'm still scared, I bet she is too.

[Wendy me]

sounds like small steps ............better than no steps at all ......................

[Helana]

Paula

Its geat that you are sharing this with the rest of us. We all behind you 100%. For your wife, absolutely there are still many doubts and concerns and it will take months/years for these to slowly disappear. But in time she will realise that you are still the same person she married and that, by and large, your lives will carry on as normal (hopefully even better than before as you need to shower her with lots of attention and love).

I think the journal is an excellent idea. Both my girlfriend and I find it easier to write feelings down on paper and so during difficult times there is usually a flurry of text messages on our cel phones, emails and written letters. This allows both of us to express some deeply held emotions and fears which are very difficult to say face to face.

RE your clothes issue. I am not sure what your set-up is as I dont know why your kids would be going into your wardrobe to find a t-shirt etc. When I was growing up my mothers and fathers wardrobes were strictly out of bounds. OK I broke the rules for my mother's but I never looked into my father's.

Anyway I can think of two easy options. If your wife has extra space in her wardrobe ask her to allocate some space for your clothes. If she has no space then that gives you an alternative excuse that your wife has borrowed space in your wardrobe to explain away the feminine attire. A combination of the two might be even better - your wife moves some of her clothes into your wardrobe to provide space in hers for your stash.

The kids coming in and out is tricky. The only solutions I can think of is to place a lock on your bedroom door so that you have a safe area to run to if they decide to come home unexpectedly.

You could place extra locks on the front door so that it takes time and creates noise to get in. That saved me several times when I was living with my parents and they turned up unexpectedly and I was dressed downstairs. The house had an outer porch door with 2 locks on it and then an inner glass door with another lock. It took about 20 -30 seconds for someone to get in - enough time to make a quick escape upstairs. Also my parents house had nylon curtains in the ground floor windows so it was not possible to look inside during the day. That was another life saver for me. You could make these improvements citing house security.

The alternative and expensive solution to this is to rent a room somewhere nearby and make that your private den. That would solve all your problems if you can afford it.

Hopes this helps. :)

[SilkenPrincess]

Paula,
I just found this thread since I haven't had opportunity to log on for any length of time for a while. I wish I could find a way to let you understand what your dilemna makes me feel. I've been there, Paula, and the memories, though 16 years old, are still fresh in my mind and heart. With all my heart I feel for you, Paula. Try to find solace in this: Your wife is having to reassess her relationship with you. She is beginning to realize that many of the things she loves in you are expressions of Paula, and that's not what she once believed. It's hard for her. She may be fearful that you are gay, bi, or a myriad of other things that she couldn't live with. Admittedly, CDers do fall into all of these categories, as do non-CDers. Maybe when and if she is ready for it she can come here and meet the rest of us and realize that she can have what she wants from her husband, while satisfying Paula at the same time. There are numerous sisters here in that kind of arrangement who report their lives as a truly wonderful and satisfying experience for them and their wives. Things sound hopeful from what I'm reading, and I have my fingers crossed for you, girl. Best wishes!
Love,
SilkenPrincess

[DonnaT]

And she said when they are not home, how will she know what I do? and she willknow to call home but.... what about the boys as they start to drive, we not going to tell them to call because they'll want to know why. They'll be coming and going with their friends with out notice. you could get cought in a dress.
ANY suggestions on how to handle that one?????.


So, the boys will want to know why? We tell our son to call, and he just does as told. Tell them "So I know you are safe and when to expect you."

Doesn't always work. My son came home unexpected last weekend. Luckily I heard him beep the lock on the car.


She says she wants to be fair but still has concerns, and she's not sure she can love this new fem-man and much as the man she married, she has her doubts.

I told my wife I was still the same person on the inside. Not much difference other than clothes on the outside. And that hopefully she married me not for my looks, but because she loved me. I got no arguement/rebuttal to that.

[TrueGemini'sWife GG]

Hi Paula...

My name is Pattie and I am a wife of a CD. I read your post and wanted to tell you how much I admire your courage and also to tell you, give her some time. Without a doubt, she loves you very much and will realize there is nothing to be afraid of. She isn't going to lose you. She will see that you are the same person she fell in love with. You have always been the same person, just in different clothing. Just give her some time and never say never. Right now, she may be feeling alone, too. She may be afraid of losing you. She may be afraid for you, due to this bigoted society we live in.
She just needs some time and lots and lots of love from you. Soon enough, that bond you have together already, will grow even deeper and stronger.

As far as her being involved with your "taste" in clothing...
Get her to go shopping with you. Let her pick out a few things that she likes. She will be more comfortable, when she feels more involved. Though she may not say it out loud at first, inside she will be picking things SHE would like to see you in. I love going shopping with my honey. We have so much fun together. I love buying him clothes!

I wish you both the best and don't worry Paula, it will all be OK. Really...

[Fiona K]

Hi Paula,
It sounds like you guys are doing OK, the journal is a great idea I may try that myself.

Something that might help, this book was reccomended to me:

My Husband Wears My Clothes: Crossdressing from the Perspective of a Wife
by Peggy Rudd, Peggy J. Rudd


Peggy Rudd is a theramist who's husband is a CD and I have been amazed at how much she has hit the nail on the head for me

I suggest you both take a look.

Fiona

PS Helana, I'm a Glesca burd myself, I just live over here!!

[Paula A]

Another weekend, with some steps forward and a couple of backward, netting out a bit of progress. Yeah! :D

We addressed her comfort zone, I guess knowing is enough, she has no desire to really see my stuff on my person, she is having a hard time picturing me in her head. BUT OK, After last Tuesday's row over my stash, (that I was ashamed to admit I had) Things are going well, She told me that after two kids and being together for almost 19-years that she'll keep me around, she is not going to toss my butt into the street because of my secret. Whoo-Hoo.

We are figuring out some ground rules that I think will evolve as she understands this hobby of mine. And that after we had some extra money she would take me shopping because she just can't see me in the stuff I picked up. (now I feel like a kid at chrstmass, I haven't felt that way in years) I can't wait. I told her that we are not to just buy anything for me unless she gets stuff for her too.

Anyway, last night I was looking at a couple of other forum sites and information on crossdressing, when she entered the room I minimized it and felt like I was looking at porn or something, I was weird. she wispered in my ear that this isn't going to work If she keeps getting the feeling that I'm trying to hide something. she went off too bed. She still has questions of where I might be going with this, (does he want to dress full time, does he want to be a girl" does he even know) That's the big one, Does he even know what he wants and that for now is the big question in her mind. So there I was on the PC and hiding what I was looking at, doesn't bode well for Paula's hobby, now does it.

This bothered me, not her reaction, what I did. I guess that after many years of hiding and feeling ashamed, embarassed about it it was just a natural reaction about it. she new what I was looking at and reading, she knows about me, but I had a hard time with it. I forced myself to sit there in the open and continue on. This morning I wrote in the journal regarding my feelings, that they should go away with time but to please forgive me if I have a reaction like that and I'll try to work through my uncomfort. After she read what I wrote, I think things are going well this morning, I still feel like santa's comming to town.

she knows that I have stockings on today, she gave me a hug felt my butt, and she looked at me with a smile, "You are either wearing new style of undies or you have got something else on under there, she smiled and gave me a kiss with the "I know what your wearing look, and sent me off to work. :D

Fiona;
The journal works, you can get your feelings out, like being at this site, without the interuptions of questions or rebuttal, please try it. Whats the woest thing that can happen, you get to practice your hand writing?
The book she ordered should be here today or tommorow, Then I'll know what book it is. I'm was hoping she bought: My Husband Wears My Clothes. I want to read it too.

TrueGemini's wife:
Thank you, I know what I feel, it is very hard for me to understand the shock and questions my wife has. the journal has been a real good tool for us.

Donna & Helana:
I have thought about putting my stuff with my wifes, or using the out of room excuse, I not super worried, we get our clothes mixed up all the time and we share a closet and have a ready excuse now (many thanks on that). she is still worried about the getting cought thing. :eek: I asked her who do you think would feel more embarassed to get cought and feel ashamed of it her or me? She told me that she wouldn't lie, she'd say that this is something new and we are both working on figuring this thing out." I think that satified her that I would be devestated if it got out in our community right now and I'll be carefull.

Anyway, that is the lastest on where we are, still a long way to go for both of us. It's funny how those feelings and emotions jump right up at you when you least expect them. Thank you for all of your support, thanks for listening.

[Priscilla1018]

Paula, I wish I had your courage,Maybe someday hearing how other girls SO have handled cross dressing is encouraging. I am very happy for you. :D

Hugs and a big Hug for her,

Priscilla

[Jenney Love]

when she entered the room I minimized it and felt like I was looking at porn or something, I was weird.

I have been having this problem to, my wife walks by the computer or askes me what I am doing, I close the window and say nothing. I told her that I can not seem to get over hiding my activities on the computer from her. She said I would in time. She knows I read and post in this forum, but I still feel I need to keep it from her, even though I don't. I am working on it. :(

Jenney

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Paula,

I'm so sorry I've been remiss and missed your posty. First thing, what a huge courageous step you've made. Even if you've felt you did the wrong thing and even though it scares and scared you; you did the right thing! I can see many of the grrlz swooped in with their support. Again, how courageous and honourable and I mean that. If she can come to some level of acceptance I think you two will weather this just fine. My thoughts and prayers are with you both! Hang in there grrl!

And also, let me offer, should she want to talk with a GG I am more than willing. Keeping in mind that I entered into a relationship with a CD'er knowingly and willingly--I certainly have a different perspective than she. However, if it would help at all you can email me or pm me. And she and I could email or perhaps talk on the phone. I'm more than willing to do that.

G'luck!

hugs
big hugs
kew

[Helana]

Paula

Nice to hear that things are still progressing in the right direction. I liked your sentence about making sure that your wife gets new clothes as well. My girlfriend would murder me if I went out and just bought girly things for myself and nothing for her. It is a heinous crime of the highest order among girls! ;)

Dont worry about your reaction on the computer - even I do that when my girlfriend walks by the computer and we have a totally open relationship - it is just an automatic reaction to decades of secrecy. The important thing is that you owned up about it and tell her which sites you are visiting. You are right, there can be no more secrets, never be tempted ever again to hold anything back no matter how embarressing or revealing it is.

The smile on her face when she felt your butt is a very good sign :) That is acceptance. She sounds like a truely loving wife and make sure you tell her that.

[DonnaT]

I'll do the screen minimizing too, even though she reads the posts here. Just an automatic response. Been working on not doing that though.