talking before doing

[Sheila]

If you have a SO who is happy to participate in your cding, how many of you are willing to discuss future changes that you want to incorpate into your dressing/cding lifestyle. By this I mean, if you are going to buy breast forms/wig/ start tucking/wear makeup for the first time/wear fem undies 24/7 would you discuss it with her beforehand, or is it seen as part of and therefore why discuss what is part of cding for you?

Jess

[Karenscott]

My g/f and I talk openly and often about Karen. She has shopped with and for me even accompanied me when I went to get a corsett. She picked out a new set of breast forms at the same shop. After picking out a sexy outfit for the g/f, it cost me almost 800$ to get out the door! I'm pretty lucky I know,,as she will discuss how certain clothes fit on other girls ,, and how htheir makeup is done for the time of day, etc. I think she likes me more as "her" than as "him".

[Stephanie Scott]

I want to share everything w/ my wife -- after all, she is my best friend. Whether I share something at a particular time/place or wait to tell her depends on her "acceptance mood" at the time. She ranges from tolerance to encouragement, so I like to wait until she seems to be closer to the latter before discussing CDing w/ her. But there are many other times when I wish I could just say it as soon as I think/feel it.

[Kelly Greene]

I find that talking ideas over with my wife helps because she can tell me if I am doing something that dose'nt look right or if I am not dressed righit for the activity I am planning or the weathe. Mini skitrs and high hells don't go with snow.

[Joy Carter]

My wife said she would burn anything she saw. That was in the fall. She has mellowed some but doesn't want to be involved. She is a former makeup consultant and some of the ladies she worked on looked so great. I just don't have the courage to ask. I guess I will have to spend the money at a makeup counter and get a make over.

[Ms. Sarah G]

I feel that I should discuss everything with my wife, especially if I want to step out the door en femme. She doesn't want an active role in my CDing though which makes it tougher for me to be the girl I want to be. Yet whenever I dress I feel wonderful, and after I am in drab, I feel like I have a naughty secret.

For her the idea of CDing is high camp like Divine, or Monty Python's troupe would do so I mentiong things and get her looking at me and laughing.

There's the rub, for me. I want to express my femininity openly in my home, but am so uncomfortable with the giggles and such. Though I know they are for the situation and her associations to it and not at me.

Sorry for the bandwith I just have to vent a little.

[Julie York]

There's a thin line between "discussing" and "asking permission". For a CD it would be sensible from a diplomatic stand point to mention what you intended to do, so you could avoid conflict if your S.O. was not ready for it.

But, that's only because of having to deal with someone who doesn't fully approve. It's like passing a censor and leads to resentment.


If you want to do something anyway and think it would be rejected, you might simply avoid asking or telling.

[Bev06 GG]

Well Jess,
I can see how some might find it alittle akward to discuss these sort of things, but for us its all a part of it. I think it makes your partner feel so much more involved and actually heightens their sense of usefulness. If you have an understanding partner you may as well take full advantage of the fact and use her expertise in these areas.
And Joy, I can see where your coming from but I think in any good relationship involving your partner in your interests isn't really seen as asking for permission, but rather asking for advice and encouragement.
Take care
BEV

[Sandra]

I think in any good relationship involving your partner in your interests isn't really seen as asking for permission, but rather asking for advice and encouragement.
Take care
BEV


:iagree:

Also it makes them feel that they are involved and not shut out.

[suchacutie]

Regardless of being drab or drag, I discuss everything with my wife for a whole series of reasons (this is how our relationship works). Besides the issues of trust and openness, Tina very much values her opinion! After all, she has first-hand knowledge about all of it.:happy: For example, when the idea of breastforms surfaced, she was the one to first say, "do it!", and then the discussion of size ensued. At the very least, agreement to commit the $$$ needed to be a joint one.

The other issue that should be mentioned is that once Tina appeared, she had an affect on everything, of course. Thus, what Tina does affects not just Tina and her male self, but affects Tina's treasured girlfriend as well.

Tina

[Julie York]

:iagree:

Also it makes them feel that they are involved and not shut out.

I agree. That's why people with good communication would discuss it. I was just pointing out that if there's an element of resentment or reservation on either part...that's when the sharing breaks down and instead of sharing it becomes asking. But in an ideal situation it should be like discussing your job move or future plans for decorating the bathroom.

[Rachel Morley]

When I first married Marla, I was not very accepting of myself or my cding. I felt like I shouldn't be doing it, least of all enjoying it, and so I was not very assertive when it came to taking things further. My wife encouraged me to dress more and was always telling that it was ok to like pretty things and to be feminine. Consequently she was the one who was driving the progression or "development" of my femme self.

IMHO it's very important to let your SO be the one who sets the boundaries and the both of you together decide what level of frequency is going to be healthy, beneficial, and comfortable. I know from my personal experience, by having my SO feel that she was in control of my dressing those boundaries quickly disappeared as she became happier about it all. Today, I have no boundaries.

[melissacd]

In my case I have an SO who knows but who does not support, in fact she does not support to the point of considering ending the relationship, so I guess in my case I do not bother to ask my spouse anything regarding my CDing since she would not answer anyway.

[BeckyZ]

I always as for permission. She has never said no and will sometimes ask why I didn't get the items earlier. I absolutely do not want to buy anything that will bring tension to the relationship and really don't want to "surprise" her with something that I thought was OK but may be offensive to her.

[Sasha Anne Meadows]

Boundaries are so important. While my wife loves me living ft at home there are some places I can't go. For example, no breast implants. She buys me breast forms so I can live with that. But couples need to set these borders.

[susie evans]

kind of like angel for the first ten years are so but when i finaly realized she was for real it was prety much do what you want and she some times goes out with susie then others she says you are on your own i think it's all about the communication and you your lemits but allwats put the family first it's worked well for the last 36 years :hugs: :hugs:
susie

[Sheila]

Thanks for all your replies girls, they are much appreciated

Jess

[CharleneCD]

While I dont necessarily ask when I get dressed unless we are going out somewhere, I just dress when I feel the in the mood. We do always discuss purchases, especialy when its something expensive like breast forms. Plus I feel that sice she has to see me in it, so she should like it.

[EricaCD]

I usually bring significant developments/changes to Helene's attention so that we can discuss them. I just don't think there is much of a claim to be made that this is "my" issue. After all, I am the one who made it "our" issue. I am moderately concerned about the relationship aspects of a dialogue that can seem like an extended negotiation or ongoing requests for permission. Still and all, I think the benefits of open communication outweigh those concerns.

Erica

[Julie Avery]

Most of the painful hard work of explicit communication about boundaries can be done over a handful of years, for most couples who are not going to end up separating over the issue. The boundaries get explored, the partners get to know the phases they each go through, and you come upon a plateau where there are no longer new boundaries a CD seeks, nor are there new limits an S.O. seeks to impose.

It can also happen that, with reasonable openness about their desires and reactions from both, this "accomodation" gets worked out without explicit "rule setting". Instead, it gets worked out by a desire to preserve the relationship, and a sensitivity to the others' reactions.

I don't mean to say "postpone communication until the n'th year", rather, that after n years of communication things settle down, if you've been able to work it out in a long-term relationship. At least, that's been my experience. Mind you, I'm 52, so I'm not dealing with the hormonal intensity of feelings, and shortage of experience, that might afflict youngsters who are, say, 49 years old.

Anyhow, I offer this as something to look forward to, if you're in a committed relationship, want to keep it going, and are reckoning with crossdressing, whether your own, or your partner's. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and it doesn't involve, in the end state, asking permission (though it certainly involves at least tacitly asking permission for things like dressing like a tart in front of your in-laws, aunts, uncles, neighbors, mortgage officers, and children, during the years when you're working out the basics).

I'm not offering myself as a model, my partner and I can argue like banshees, including at 3AM when one is snoring inordinately loudly (a fault we felicitously share).

Be well ;)