Figuring More Stuff Out

[Lex]

Well, I've been talking a lot with my lovemate about all this stuff, gender issues and all that, and it really really helps. Because he wants to know everything and analyse everything and think about everything it's making me do the same thing. And finding a way to explain it all to him helps me explain it all to myself. And I thought I might write it down, and what better place to do that than here?

It started more or less when I hit puberty. As soon as that happened I changed physically in ways I didn't want to, and everyone around me changed. No one interacted with the opposite sex purely for friendship. No one wanted to play games. Girls because shallow, self-obsessed, bitchy things that I hated. I didn't feel like I fit in or belonged with them at all. I did not want to be female.
So, the natural thing to do when you hate one of two choices is to choose the other one. So I started dressing like a guy. I figured I wanted to be one. I read about it and it seemed to make sense. But, at the same time, the more I read the more I got a niggly little feeling that I wasn't really a 'guy trapped in a girl's body' either. I never felt like a guy from a very young age. I just chose it when girlhood displeased me immensely.
So, I don't want to be a girl, I don't feel I fit in there, but I'm not a guy, and probably wouldn't fit in there either.
I think I'd be happy being something inbetween. It's how I feel inside, so I'd like it to be shown outside as well.
I'd like to move somewhere new and try living as a guy, crossdressing 24/7. I feel I should try it out before I even consider choosing a gender.
If I even choose one at all.

[Kimberley]

Hi Lex,
You are definitely not alone on this. It is called being Transgendered or Genderqueer or whatever label you want. There is nothing wrong with it either. It is often the non-op side of being TS. Only you will know for sure whether this is the case or if you are a CD. Again, nothing wrong with that either.

I am glad you can see this more clearly now and that is a good thing because you have a solid frame of reference. This doesnt mean you wont have feelings of being male, you likely will but you also know you dont quite fit there either (at the moment) Still, the one thing you need to recognize is that someday you could have this "awakening" and realize that you really are meant to transition. It may or may not happen but you should be aware that it can happen.

I would like you to consider your sexuality in all this though. I know I know, they are two different things. I ask this because I dont want you to let your youth (and hormonal imbalances) to cloud your judgement. It can and does happen.

The other issue you should think about here is your social one. You allude to dressing or male identification as a reaction to the female things you disliked. This is worth serious thought and investigation. Make sure that this is not a rationalization or mask.

If your partner is understanding (at least as much as he can be) then that is good for both of you. If he has a problem with it, this is the time to either address it or cut loose before the emotions become too intrinsically linked.

Anyway, you know where we all are and you know how to PM any of us. The last thing any of us would want is for you to make a mistake that is irreversible.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[bi_weird]

Mmm yeah I can connect a lot with that. With disliking what girls became after puberty, but not really being so sure about the whole guy thing too. Pretty cool place to be, seems to me, at least once I've figured out a few more things. This way I get to wear anything I want, and do anything I want, with anyone I want. *laughs* well okay there are cons, also, but I'm looking at positives. Anyay I don't have a lot of advice to add. Be cool, be yourself, give yourself time, seems to me you've got your head screwed on straight.

[pocoyo]

Hiya! Cool that you're figuring yourself out :)

Just a couple of things I thought when reading your post...

Well, at puberty is when our respective sex-hormones kick in and before that we are all sort of the same thing. A lot of little girls and boys are almost androgynous before puberty anyway. So you wouldnt have had to have feelings of "Ooh I'm not a girl, I'm not a girl" to make you transexual.
Sorry I'm not making sense. What I mean is... that may not be a clue as to you NOT being transexual (guy in a gir's body), but could actually even be the opposite. Like maybe when the female hormones kicked in, you knew things were wrong.... perhaps....
(I also sometimes think that hormones can almost "brainwash" us to some extent).

I think that everyone (or at least many, many people) are "in between" gender-wise anyway. It's a fact that we are all male AND female (spiritually... if that's the right word!)
But the difference is that most people are happy with the body they're in (gender-wise), so they don't ever question their gender and live their lives as that gender accordingly.

So don't feel like you're a freak for feeling in between. We all are to some extent.

But of course there are, as Kimberley said, genderqueer people that enjoy getting to be both genders.

At the end of the day... it is what you feel happy with. What body would you feel most happy with etc etc.

You know yourself best. Other people may know you well, but only you know your secret thoughts and feelings.

I know this transgender journey is bloody confusing, especially for those that are undecided as to how we feel and what we should do, but I have faith that we'll all figure it out for ourselves (with help from others) eventually.


P.S. Also I think it's probably possible for someone to have not hardly had any "clues" but then one day realise they are the wrong gender. So it's all down to how you feel really.

P.P.S. I feel a bit in-between too. I think I'd be happy with a boys body but getting to be "girly" some of the time. I also know that at other times I'd be really "manly" too.
That's just an example of people being in-between. I don't think that's weird or anything though, that's just the kind of gay guy I know I'd be! Just like a totally "regular" person who doesn't even consider or analyse their gender 'cos they were already born in the "right" body.
I am like that a bit "as a girl" anyway, it's just it doesn't feel right because it's like a negative of a photograph... it's the wrong way round lol!

[Lex]

Kimberly:
Well, I'm pansexual, which means I don't care what gender a person is, I'm more interested in the actual person. I'm sexually attracted to both men and women, but gender doesn't really matter when it comes to a relationship. I don't really think that my sexuality has much to do with it, as I've always kept the two things very seperate.
You said that I need to seriously look at my reasons for dressing as a male and I will and am. I also think that dressing fulltime for at least a year will really help me figure out what I want, and why.
And yes, my lovemate is awesome and curious, and wants to know everything and wants to understand it all too. He's awesome. <3
And lastly, there is no way I'm going anywhere near any permanant changes (other than chest reduction, as I've never really thought of my chest as a permanant thing) until I'm thought about it, and researched it, and dressed as a guy, and things like that for a long time. This isn't something I'm going to rush into, I need to think it through.

Pocoyo:
I know what you mean. Everyone has female and male aspects to themselves, but not everyone questions their outward gender.
And yeah, I would like a male body, I really really would, but I think I could be happy with a body that's genderless. Like, no boobs, no mantool, no obvious signs of gender. That would be awesome.

[Casey Morgan]

And yeah, I would like a male body, I really really would, but I think I could be happy with a body that's genderless. Like, no boobs, no mantool, no obvious signs of gender. That would be awesome.

I think that's very telling. Very often people say what they want, not just what they don't want. There is a subtle but significant difference between not wanting male genitalia and wanting to keep your female genitalia. There is also a difference between not wanting any gender markers and wanting mixed gender markers. True, language is often too crude to adequately express some ideas and desires, especially core ones. But pay attention to what you are actually saying. Sometimes we say what we mean without meaning to.

Also, there are many different ways of being inbetween CD and TS. Some of them, like androgyne, have absolutely nothing to do with being a non-op TS or something similar. Some are "flip a coin", some are "mostly but", some are something other than those two. Being inbetween genders is, as people have said here and in other threads, a valid option. As though we have any more choice about our gender than anyone else. It's definitely a case of "is you is or is you ain't". So if you is between genders, how is you is? (Yeah, a sense of humor helps.)

I know it's cliche and I know it's frustrating as heck to hear sometimes but the only thing you need to be is you. So often people worry about fitting a mold when in my opinion it should be the mold that fits you. I know what you meant by thinking things through, but don't forget to feel your way through too.

[Kimberley]

Well Lex, I think you are making progress in a big way. Keep it up. It seems like everytime we think we have an answer, another question pops up. Stick with it..

:hugs:
Kimberley

[Felix]

I can relate Lex to ya situation, I too think about this whole thing all the time. My So also helps me to question myself just by asking questions of me. At this moment in time I think ya doin great and ya have a supportive partner which is great!!!! xx Felix :hugs:

[Lex]

There is a subtle but significant difference between not wanting male genitalia and wanting to keep your female genitalia.

Well, I would like a mantool (for lack of a better word), I really really would. But those that are available to me, through testosterone and surgery, are pretty dismal. So I'd rather have something that works than something that doesn't, and just be a person without gender, and therefore, free of gender.


And thanks everyone for the comments and support!

[pocoyo]

Not all of the surgical options are dismal.... some are pretty good.
I've seen some amazing phalloplasty pics.
Still not perfect though....

[Lex]

Not all of the surgical options are dismal.... some are pretty good.
I've seen some amazing phalloplasty pics.
Still not perfect though....

Yeah, I know there are some good ones out there, but I'd want something better, something real, something that works. Which I don't think I'll ever get. But I can live with that.

[ZenFrost]

I sorta know where you're coming from with the whole "hating girlhood" thing. I got so fed up with it that I just one day decided to give up on being a girl altogether. And I also don't feel like a man trapped in a woman's body. I feel like a man who just happens to have a woman's body.

[pocoyo]

And I also don't feel like a man trapped in a woman's body. I feel like a man who just happens to have a woman's body.

Muaha, that's so cool! That is a very good way of putting it.
I know how you feel :)
And when MtF's say "do you want to swap [bodies]?" I think "Cheers, but eek, no thanks, I want my own body still, just with the male bits!" lol.