This hurts

[jamie_44]

I have been struggling with my gender dysphoria for awhile. I have been serious about transitioning. I told parents, brother and sister in law about my issue back in the summer. I know find out that my parents would not allow me inside their house as a woman. I know find out that my brother would move his family 1600 miles away. What happened to unconditional love? I don't understand this behavior. I think that you may not agree with a decision someone makes but you still love them. I just needed to write this little thread because those responses hurt deep.

[Calliope]

God, yes, they do hurt deep. Families are the first people we love, they give the first (luckily not the only) lessons on giving and receiving love. So they have this huge position in our lives - almost forever.

They're just people, though, so we all go through all sorts of disappointments with them.

'Not allowed' in the house? Sometimes, families eventually heal their splits, sometimes only a bandage can be applied and (alas) sometimes history simply ends for family members.

Don't underestimate the power of friends, real friends, to fill in for family.

I am so sorry you're having such a rough go of it.

[Marla S]

I am so sorry you've been hurt this way (What more can happen ?).

I become really angry, when I hear such stories :Angry3:

Whom they are helping. Not you, and not themselves.

Love is unconditional under certain conditions only, like the freewill is free only within certain constraints.

I hope at least your parents will come back on track.

[Tina Dixon]

So sad, I thought love was more than skin deep.

[Tamara Croft]

I'm so sorry to read this :( I can't imagine how you must be feeling right now. It hurts when we are rejected by friends, but by family, I cannot imagine it. I know this isn't much, but you still have all of us here, we will never reject you for who you want to be, please remember that.

Sending you a huge :hugs:

[Lisa Maren]

I feel your pain. I have tentatively decided that I identify as female (although I am waiting to speak with a specialist before I really embrace that as truth) and I dread telling my family about it. Love is supposed to be stronger than this or anything else. Unconditional is supposed to mean unconditional. I hurt, too, when people treat each other this way.

We are always here when you need us.

Hugs,
Lisa

[Cathy Love]

The only thing you can do is to let it go and not hold it against them. Try not to get mad, storm around to their house and have it out with them. That will only make things worse. It will cause a greater rift that may never be healed.
I'd suggest writing them each a personal letter; explain what you are doing, once more, and why you are doing it. You could include some literature and a book (if possible) with helpful information.

At the end of the letter just let them know in a non-confrontational way that their apparent rejection of you is very hurtful, but you can understand and appreciate it. Say that you're not going to hold it against them or worry unnecessarily over it, that when they are ready your door is always open if they change their minds. No recrimination. No anger. And then move on. When and if they are ready they will come back.

They may never come back, but if you spend all you time and energy worrying about what they think and feel, trying to get them to understand and getting upset when they don't - then you're leaving nothing for the important stuff - you and your transition.

You have to be the better person in all this. You will, more often then not, find that as you progress through your transition that your family won't be the first or last group of people who will reject you unnecessarily. How you learn to deal with this rejection will ultimately determine how you progress - if you succeed or fail.

Later,

Ck.

[Siobhan Marie]

Jamie, I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. You would think that love from our families is unconditional but unfortunately it's not always like this. I'm out to my parents and they haven't pushed me away, they are just very confused and I do understand that. What will be interesting is how the rest of the family reacts. If its any comfort you have got us and we will never reject you, it may not be much right now but I just hope its of some comfort to you. I'm going to send you these, :bighug: and :koc:

huge :hugs: Anna Marie x

[Kimberley]

This sort of reaction is all too often the norm and to be expected. Knowing that doesnt make it any easier that is for sure. I know of a girl in Toronto who went through the same thing and it took them a while but eventually they did come around and accepted her completely. Her professional battle is still ongoing though and this is years since transition and feminization surgery.

Jamie, you have my sympathies. I think Cathy has said it best. Let them know how you feel and understand their feelings. Sometimes families come back.

It is one of the big reasons I have chosen not to transition. That loss of sister, father, wife and children would be more than I could tolerate. You have no idea the admiration I have for you girls who can and do go forward. I am just not that strong.

:love:
Kimberley

[Lisa Golightly]

They say this now... Words are cheap, deeds are not. Expect a change in attitude when they realise that they can not deter you by what amounts to emotional blackmail.

[Sarahgurl371]

Jamie, sorry to hear of your situation. I also agree with Cathy. This is not any easy road that is for sure. I hope the they realize that you are still you no matter how you appear, and love you even more.

[Sandra]

Sorry to hear this I can only imagine what you must be feeling. I know it's not the same but you have a family here who will support you. :hugs:

[Carole/CCD]

So sorry to hear but beleive me I know what you are going through .
Would love to meet and talk to you sometime . and always remember things have a way of working out

[Lauren B]

I liked what Lisa said. A lot.

People often believe that with enough strong-arming and threats, they can manipulate others into doing what they want. Often, when it doesn't work, they will back down. And for as much as it would hurt, would you even WANT that emotional garbage in your new life if they really mean it?

[jamie_44]

I want to say thanks for everyone's support. I know most of us, probably all, that read this forum know this is difficult. I am going to write a letter for the family and maybe that will help clear things up. I don't hold any anger towards anyone for their reactions. Actually if I do have any anger, it would be toward myself for not doing anything about this when I was younger. I am going to ask my children if they have any of these issues at the right time. I don't want them go through this like me. Thanks for helping during my hurting time!

[Siobhan Marie]

Jamie, thats what we're here for hon and thats to look after and to support each other.

huge :hugs: Anna Marie x

[tori-e]

Hi Jamie,

I would never try to justify someone turning away a family member. For all of what we, as TG's, have gone through, I think that we, hopefully, have a greater sense of compassion than those that live more normal lives.

In 2006 I came out to literally dozens of people. I have not made it to full time yet, but it is on the horizon. So many people that I have told have been either understanding or have been visibly shaken and try there best to pretend it is ok. Mostly people are of the "it's my life" opinion and don't really seem to care too much.

Those that have been the toughest, are those that are closest to me. Obviously my family is close and it has been tough for them. But more recently I came out to a long time friend. I've always thought we were great friends, but as guys are, we never had any expression of emotion toward each other. A week after I told him, my wife called his wife and she ended up talking to him. When I had talked to him, he was full of concern, but thought he would be able to get used to it. In the week that followed, it seems he and his wife were consumed by it. I'd given them some information and they had been reading it over and over. Since then, the two of us have both extended invitations to get together, but they have disappeared. All of sudden, I realized that we were much closer than I realized, and that he, the both of them, are quite hurt by my coming out.

Two years ago went I came out to my wife, it sparked months of discussion and soul searching. Months later she talked about a book, "On Death and Dying", by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross that she had read in college. The book talks about the stages that people go through when a loved one dies, or when someone it dying themselves. She came to realize that she had gone through the stages with me. I was not dying (yet) but the emotional ride that she went through was as if I had. But, in a way the male part of me is dying a slow death.

The stages are...

- Denial and isolation: "This is not happening to me."

- Anger: "How dare God do this to me."

- Bargaining: "Just let me live to see my son graduate."

- Depression: "I can't bear to face going through this, putting my family through this."

- Acceptance: "I'm ready, I don't want to struggle anymore."

I would imagine that your family members are going through much of this them selves.

I am in lucky that I have a spouse that constantly brings me back to reality. I really tend to get completely consumed in my transition. And, I often forget about the wake that I leave behind when I out myself. So many people see me as a man, and in a single moment, a life long image is destroyed. What are they left with?

IMHO, coming out to people is very tricky business. You need to take into account what this will mean to them. I have a couple of letters I use when telling people. They portray my situation in the most positive light and with much sensitivity as to how they may react. (If anyone is interested PM me for the URL) I would suggest buying a couple of copies of "True Selves" by Mildred L. Brown, for them, then give them lots of room. And don't present to them yet. Let them contact you when they are ready.

I'm sure your family loves you very much. But, they have big holes in their hearts right now that need to heal.

so much love,
Victoria

[jamie_44]

Tori-E, thank you for a very good reply. I have a copy of True Selves. I told my parents that they need to read it but they won't. They get their information from television which usually portrays us in a very negative way.

[Cherry Lynn]

It is hard to argue with television. Television, IMHO, is the downfall of this country because so many people believe any and everything they see on it. Even when evidence is found to refute something aired it is hard to change peoples minds. Best of luck to you.

[AmberTG]

Television has contributed more to the mediocrity of this country than anything that has ever come before. It has made us a nation of fat, lazy, apathetic people whose main goal in life is to make sure they don't miss their favorite TV show. That seems to be more important than anything else in their lives, and the advertisers know this and prey on their weak, helpless minds as they sit, their brains in alpha wave mode, ready to be fed whatever garbage is thrust upon them by the pictures on the screen. That is one of the main reasons that the people of this nation are so far in credit card debt, they need to have everything they see on TV.
I know way too many people like that.

[Amanda Jane]

TVs have an off switch. Groucho Marx once said, "I find television very entertaining, when people turn it on I go to the other room and read a book" Good advice. I also think that people can't be brainwashed without giving consent.

[Siobhan Marie]

I have a copy of True Selves. I told my parents that they need to read it but they won't. They get their information from television which usually portrays us in a very negative way.

Hi Jamie, I have left a letter for my parents and have asked them to read it when they're ready. I know deep down that they won't read it. It's got a couple of internet links on it as well. If its any comfort I do know how this bit feels, you try and help them and they don't want to know.

huge :hugs: Anna Marie x

[Marcie Sexton]

As sad as it is, I have seen examples of where family , brothers and sisters become as ruthless as I've ever witnessed.

If yo think they are bad now wait on you mom and dad to pass...then you'll see real ruthlessness...No nothing you've said really surprises me...

With a ultr-right sister, ultra-conservative brother I dare not reveal Marcie to them...thank goodness to the left coast...