I need to vent.

[terrinoble]

I posted the following on another forum. I've been in a funk, and it bears repeating here.

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What is the phrase? "Gender is between the ears, not between the legs."

As much as I loathe the useless tumor, I am a bit ambivalent about having it removed. Would I feel more like a woman, or feel mutilated?
I never thought pre-ops are any less of women than post-ops.
I've not gone through the required therapy. My health insurance at work will not cover anything relating to gender reassignment. It will only cover therapy after the deductible is met ($750). I've purchased my hormones over the net and have been on them 3 years now.

I am tired of hearing transpeople referred to as crazy. The crossdressing I've done for years before reaching my epiphany was not a sign of insanity - it kept me from insanity.

Alas, the law brands me male and I have to live and work as such to forestall the discomfort of others - the hell with my own discomfort! How stifling it is!

I'm going it alone pretty much and could use anyone's support.

I have the additional disadvantage of living in what I call the buckle of the bible belt (south Georgia) - I would like to move to a more liberal area, but first I would need to find a job in such a place. And yes, I've been looking.

About the only time I go out in girl mode is on weekends, often to a nearby town where nobody knows me. I don't tell the world I'm trans; I am generally honest if vague with people. Luckily I haven't yet been "read." Or if someone has read me, they were too polite to confront me.

I've worked at my current job coming up on 8 years, with people I have gotten to know and like. Despite that I don't think I can go full time and keep this job. Some of my co-workers have seen me out in full girl mode, though: they don't mention it till they see me at work.

But I rant. I used to chat online with someone who had just gone through SRS (at government expense and with the full support of her employers - she is in the UK). I asked her if she attended the Pride parade in her city (having seen photos of it). Her reply was to the effect of "oh no, I'm a woman now, I never involve myself in such." Go figure.

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[Kieron Andrew]

she is in the UK). I asked her if she attended the Pride parade in her city (having seen photos of it). Her reply was to the effect of "oh no, I'm a woman now, I never involve myself in such." Go figure.many post op girls just want to merge into society and not have the 'trans' label associated with them, ive seen it lots of time they go stealth

[Calliope]

It's definitely pulling the ladder upon arrival. Blending into (binary gender) society after a transition is, of course, one reason the trans community has had a lot less flex with achieving rights than the gays and lesbians. Speaking only for myself, I take a more dialectical (Trotskyist) approach - permanent transition, meaning there is no 'end of history' here: I will always be a transsexual - and I hope I can always be counted upon to do my share when it's time to struggle with straight society.

Terrinoble, if I may. Experience has demonstrated to me that location is very important in the trans life. I'm in California - yay hooray, yet my financial security is anything but solid. Nevertheless, there are serious advantages to being here (DL-328 is on the way, for example). Also, transition is a LOT easier when no one (including any potential employer) has an earlier conception of 'who you are.' You really might consider abandoning your job (and all it provides) for a geographical climate more trans-friendly.

[Amanda Jane]

"Blending into (binary gender) society after a transition is, of course, one reason the trans community has had a lot less flex with achieving rights"

I think this it true, there is a notion that everyone should fight for the rights of people who when they get what they seek turn around and tell everyone else to bug off.

[joanlynn28]

Terri I can identify with a lot of what you have to say. I too was wrestling with all of the emotions of not being able to express how I truely feel like on the inside for fear of being ridiculed and labeled a social misfit for just being the way I am, that's how I was born this is not anything that is thrust upon us or something we learn, its who we are. And when I finally realized that yes truely I am a transexual that I was able to actually go the direction that I have always wanted to go. Fighting it was just going to drive me to the psych ward in some hospital somewhere, heck even my former wife became afraid for her own life because she was witnessing first hand how I was when I wasn't able to dress the way I wanted to. Now I am a better person emotionally and outwardly towards others around me it could be that now I am under the influence of the correct hormones, I had a serious hormonal imbalance before HRT. And I am fortunate that I work for an employer that embraces diversity in the workplace and is doing their best to form an inclusive work environment. And here is the kicker, my direct supervisor has been put in charge of creating a more diverse and inclusive workplace due to how poorly this area did in our annual employee opinion survey. Oh yeah, he is going to get first hand experience on inclusion, and it is going to happen before the end of January if all remains on schedule because I am going to be the one to be dealt with on the subject.

[janedoe311]

I live near San Francisco. TG is welcome there and so are jobs.
I know that is a lot to expect but it is a thought.

[Scotty]

You sound a lot like me, I don't want to convert.

I guess the way I see it, I was given the mens parts but a womans mind.
I've shaped my body best I can to be femme and I am happy with where it is.

But that comment about post op not supporting the cause. Hmmmm any other reason I can understand but that comment sounded a bit "Too good for that" ???

[Bobbie cd]

Terri, go ahead, I think you have every right to vent a bit.
Personally, I agree that if there were any justice in this world, you would be treated properly as the lovely lady that you are and would not have to worry about changing jobs or locations.

Unfortunately, we all know that is not the way the world works currently. (At least not here in the heartland, and apparently not down South where you are either.):sad:

Personally, I don't know that I would ever care to go full time or transition completely. I do not feel quite that far in the TG spectrum, but I do wish sometimes that I could just dress the way I want without having to fear getting my brains stomped out by some redneck neanderthal.

I wish you well, and hope that you will find the right situation to allow you to be you, however you decide to reflect that.

[melissaK]

. . . Alas, the law brands me male and I have to live and work as such to forestall the discomfort of others - the hell with my own discomfort! . . . How stifling it is! I'm going it alone pretty much and could use anyone's support.-. . .

Nice rant. Responding to rants makes me reflect on my situation and measure my words by the "do as I say" vs "do as I do" yardstick.

I can barely "do" anything. I haven't found the moxy to confront the world for the right to assert my deep seated cd/ts feelings.

If you measure my life by the WASP middle class dream yardstick, I'm a success - six figure job, career, wife, kids, grand kids, material possessions, yada, yada.

But, measure my life by my mental health and happiness, and the fitest analogy is I've just come out of the ICU wing of a hospital. I am in the rehab wing trying to get strong enough to go back out into the world to make my way again.

The hospital is an allegory - I'm not really in a rehab unit; but was nearly so after an acute dissociative identity disorder flare-up with MP elements; I am seeing a therapist/MD and am steadily improving. You mention you haven't had the therapy - my "do as I do" advice is to find the cash and start - most will negotiate fees with you too . . . just ask.

And as I sit in my rehab unit looking out I see the paths available to me. I see one path I took before - one with severly limited CD-ing, just saying no to TS ideations, and limited support from knowing family and friends. And I know I can't take that path again as it is the one which led me to the ICU; It's the path that almost killed me.

The other paths? I walked down them a short ways some 15 years ago. I saw their rough parts, risking scorn and derision from work peers, certain loss of current job, almost certain loss of a few good friends who cling to neanderthal ideas, etc., and I turned back.

But, now I see that down those paths may lie liking myself, waking up happier, and being able to smile more often. . . and those seem pretty worthwhile things to me now.

I am not sure I am strong enough - but I have taken some day trips from the rehab unit down one of these different paths. I told my oldest friend - and he was cool with it; I started hrt; and, I bought some new women's jeans - a bit on the androgenous side, but anyone with a fashion eye won't miss the low cut waist and chic pockets. And I wear them everywhere. A subtle declaration of my TG personality.

And I feel a whole lot better. Perhaps its the E from the hrt, perhaps its all in myhead just because it feels good to be doing something about acting on my cd/ts feelings. Regardless, it feels sooooo good to be more of who I think I am.

So, that's all the moxy I have mustered of late. Anything else I might say will be based upon "do as I say," not "do as I do."

If you've got more moxy, and it sounds as if you do, and you need ideas about how to use it, the other girls have expressed sound ideas from a "do as I do" perspective. I don't know how to get post transition girls onto these boards to give more advice. (My two confidant/mentors from 15 years ago were lost to me when I gave up a rented mail-box for my TG mail and I didn't leave a forward (a purge-like act of repression on my part), and I couldn't find them after they legally changed names after SRS surgeries.)

If you want to talk out risk/benefits before you make a Nike-like "just do it" decision, or if you need more rant time, you've found these boards and you know we're all here.

Hugs
'lissa

[Marcie Sexton]

You're exactly right...you as well as every one else in our little community has a right to rant...society speaks so well out of both sides of their mouths...conform, but be an indivisual...:2c:

[AmberTG]

" You're exactly right...you as well as every one else in our little community has a right to rant...society speaks so well out of both sides of their mouths...conform, but be an indivisual..."

I think you have that backwards, it should read " Be an individual (as long as you conform...)
I'm inthe early stages of walking this path and the road is full of big potholes and possibly a few land mines. It's a rough journey, but it also has it's rewards, that's why we dare to travle this road. I don't know how far toward the other side I'll be willing to go in the end, but I'm certainly not happy where I'm at now.
My therapist has suggested that the area that I live in, her and I live in the same area, is not a good place to transition and I agree with her, but here is where I am right now, and I'll do what I can do here. I really don't expect anyone I know locally to accept my transition, but you know the old saying
"those who matter won't mind and those who mind won't matter" My kids may be the only exception to that rule, but we'll see.
I haven't come out to anyone yet except my wife, who has known about my cross-dressing sense before we were married. Of course, this is a bit different than just cross-dressing, much more life changing for both of us.
I think the loss that a spouse or relative feels for someone in transition is probably similar to the loss of that person by death, in their eyes, the person they thought you were has died in a way, you become a different person with different moods, different likes, different appearance, only the most accepting people in your life will handle it well. The problem is that there's simply no way to tell who will react in a certain way. You'll have rough times, but you'll find out who your friends really are, and you'll make new friends also. Most of the post-ops that I know pretty much say the same thing. It's a transition from one life to another, literally, a Twilight Zone kinda thing.
Kinda reminds me of my last acid trip, back in 1975, I came down from that in a different world then I was in before. Oh, it all looks the same, but there are subtle differences between here and there, and I always thought there was no going back, but this transition may open a door to there, or it may open a door to yet another world much like this one, but subtley different, a parallel dimension, if you will. At least, that's how I see it, of course, much like The Matrix, this may all just be an illusion, or I might just be a raving lunatic! Oh well, it's my little world anyway.
I tend to get this way at the edge of a major life change, like what happened after my divorce 7 years ago.
Amber (or am I really....)

[Kimberley]

Hi Terri,
I have been sitting on this one before commenting for a number of reasons.

Anyway, first off, there are some post op T-girls on the forums, they just dont go around broadcasting it. They are as inclusive here as anywhere.

Now. IF you are going to transition then a move is probably an excellent idea and a referral from your therapist is a must. Disappearing under the radar? Perhaps or perhaps not but it does give you a fresh start. Lonely? Count on it but you will find friends. Yes, San Fran is probably one of the most likely choices but it is expensive as I recall from other threads. I believe Atlanta was also high on the list.

This of course is assuming transition to full time with or without SRS. Surgery is not a prerequisite to transition and dont let anyone tell you it is. The HBSOC standards recognize non ops as entirely legitimate in the process.

Personally, I will not be transitioning at least in the foreseeable future. It would be my preference but the choice today is not to. How do I manage? As best I can under the circumstances of the day. I dress whenever I can but sometimes have extended periods where it is impossible.

I typically "dress down" so as to not call attention fo myself and have no problems with that.

Only you can decide for yourself. A therapist can and will help you in that process, but ultimately, the choice is yours. Being informed about it will make it the right choice; for you. Just dont let others influence your decisions beyond offering fact without opinion.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[terrinoble]

Thanks, friends, for lending an ear. I would love to be in SF but as you know, it's horribly expensive.

I had an online relationship with a preop full time transwoman who lived in California and she was persuading me to move there with her. One thing after another happened - my mother's death for one - and eventually we broke up.

I can't spare the bucks for therapy. And I may end up getting one who is not fully cognizant of trans issues, or may have some religious bias.

I recall when I was in high school I had monthly sessions with a psychologist, for which my dad paid $40 an hour (this was 30 years ago).

As for individuality, I believe the prevailing attitude is "Be as much of an individual as your bank account allows."