More on married crossdressers.

[Leslie16]

If you crossdress, and don't tell your wife, is that cheating in the marriage? I CD, and go out to clubs and stuff. I meet people, but never romantically (unless you count close dancing). I share everything else with my wife, and feel very guilty about this part of it without her. She would feel betrayed I fear if she found out -- but can't take the chance of telling her.

[Marla S]

IMO CDing in the closet is one thing (it can go wrong if you tell, it probably goes wrong if she finds out).
Having a second life without your wife knowing is a completaly different thing. Your wife should at least have a fair chance to know (approving it or not). I'd say your wife is betrayed otherwise.

[janedoe311]

If you love her do not tell her, It is rare that a wife (lease of all help) will except it, most leave.

Do not hint either. Even if she does not leave your relationship will change. So beware of telling her.

[Samantha Jane Foster]

At the heart of cheating on a spouse is not the sex but the deception. So any form of deception could lead to hurt. I don't say this in a judgmental way because I think we all make a million mistakes-- like I'm at work right now and I should be working, not typing this. But it does seem to me that there is the potential for hurt there and the technical definitions of cheating wouldn't matter much, only the "How could you not tell me?" or just the "Why? Why are you doing this?"

[janedoe311]

At the heart of cheating on a spouse is not the sex but the deception. So any form of deception could lead to hurt. I don't say this in a judgmental way because I think we all make a million mistakes-- like I'm at work right now and I should be working, not typing this. But it does seem to me that there is the potential for hurt there and the technical definitions of cheating wouldn't matter much, only the "How could you not tell me?" or just the "Why? Why are you doing this?"

on second thought. If it is just CD ing at home say it is not cheating. But going to clubs and dancing is a bit much. I suspect if you were going to clubs and dancing in DRAB your wife would consider it "cheating".

So it is up to you.
If you tell her she could leave you, or she might join you at the club!

[Tanya K]

CDing is not cheating Going out with out your wife is not cheating I just feel it's not right tho and I think u feel that IMO

[ElleCD]

There are fine lines here. If you cross dress and don't tell your SO because but it may be necessary to preserve a relationship you both value its not honest but its not cheating on her in a relationship sense. If you have CD friends and meet socially - ditto. If you are meeting others with a view to having sex then this is cheating on her whether it involves CDing or not

[Amy Hepker]

What do you have if you can't be truthful with the one you LOVE. It maybe hard but you will sleep better telling her or just stop doing it before she does find out. If she finds out your more lible to lose her for sure.

[amanda barber]

If you crossdress, and don't tell your wife, is that cheating in the marriage? I CD, and go out to clubs and stuff. I meet people, but never romantically (unless you count close dancing). I share everything else with my wife, and feel very guilty about this part of it without her. She would feel betrayed I fear if she found out -- but can't take the chance of telling her.

It's definatly heading down the slope. It is, at the very least justification for accusations.

[Angela E.]

That said,it`s problematic whether you should tell her,but I`d be willing to bet she has her suspicions.Ask yourself if you think your relationship could withstand this type of revalation.The urge to dress will never leave you,but you must consider her if you truly love her.:hugs: :itsok: Angela.:GE:

[Karren H]

If you feel like your betraying her.....then it's something you need to resolve...

Karren

[Lanore]

I thought marriage was sharring every thing? There are some things you like and some things you don't, but adjustments are made. So your wife doesn't know about your CDing. She doesn't know that you go out CD. When she finds out, what else will she accuse you of not telling her?

Lanore

[Bethany Ann]

Dressing up is one thing, clubing is another...I would watch that. My wife found out two weeks ago and life has been grand ever since. She love her man...and has several times since...she also understands Beth and what she needs...no complexities or problems just love. I would be hesitant to hide too much as that will only make it worse WHEN she finds out....its only a matter of time..hehe.

Bethany

[Marcie Sexton]

When my wife and I had our biggest problems about my dressing was when I with held every thing from her...Now we're totally open about every thing...Although we're not lucky enough to have places to enjoy out together...

No matter what I still support total honesty...If there is true love, all problems can be worked through. Just ask my wife...now that I'm totally opend and honest about everything we're a stronger couple for it...We start every morning with a I love you kiss, end every night the same and all telephone conversations end with a "I love you", for us it doesn't get any better...JUST MY :2c:

[Stephenie S]

Forget the CDing for a minute. How would she feel if she found out you were going clubbing and "close dancing" in drab?

I'll bet you would be on the carpet pretty damn quick. So I would say you are cheating. Better stop or take her with you.

Steph

[kathy gg]

Reverse the situation, would you be comfortable and happy and secure to know she is out *close dancing* with other dudes?

If you are completely comfortable and feel no weirdness and would not think differntly of her then by all means...contunie that close dancing.....
me thinks that alot of husbands would be uncomfortable with this scenario......at least those who value their wife and respect her......so....comments?

[MistyCD]

[QUOTE=Samantha Jane Foster;718381]At the heart of cheating on a spouse is not the sex but the deception. So any form of deception could lead to hurt.

So let me get this straight, any type of deception is wrong then....

So when I catch a few mice in the basement mouse traps I should tell my wife the truth, and not tell a little white lie that I do now, like Oh, I only caught one or two, (really 10!!!) .... cause she'll end up calling the exterminator who will charge us $200 and what will he do, come over and place a few mouse traps in the basement; when i'll do the same thing and save $200!!!!!! Get REAL

[melissacd]

If you love her do not tell her, It is rare that a wife (lease of all help) will except it, most leave.

Do not hint either. Even if she does not leave your relationship will change. So beware of telling her.

I have learned from first hand experience that once the cat is out of the bag your life will not be the same. In my case the change was for the worse. My wife said that she wished that she had never found out and that I just continued to do it all in secret.

It was my (perhaps mistaken) belief that I should be open and honest about this side of myself, but I have learned that there are some people who cannot, as Jack Nicholson said in a movie once, handle the truth.

[SandyR]

For years I hung onto the "its my thing" attitude. Glad I am out now, but each to there own.

Huggs.....

SandyR

[Amanda Jane]

This is beyond a 'little white lie" Stepping out is steppin out. Slow dancing with a guy, is well, you know why protestents hate sex, cause it might led to dancing, right?

And you can fool all these girls in here who are in the closet, but I've been going to CD clubs for over 30 years, and they are not where 'nice girls' hang out. Its not like some church social. Its lewd, crude, and nasty, and that's why we love those clubs so.

Best get straight with this.

[Melanie R]

If you love her do not tell her, It is rare that a wife (lease of all help) will except it, most leave.

Do not hint either. Even if she does not leave your relationship will change. So beware of telling her.

Very bad advice! If you love your wife, you share everything with her including crossdressing. The reality is that many wives do accept.

Melanie

[ChristineRenee]

Very bad advice! If you love your wife, you share everything with her including crossdressing. The reality is that many wives do accept.

MelanieI would agree with this based on my experience. I think trying to keep it from them is worse than admitting everything up front because when they do find out eventually...and they will...holding a secret from them of this nature will bother them more than if you had just been completely honest with them from the start. Plus...it will get them to thinking about what else you might be keeping secret from them. ;)

[Sheila]

If I was your wife and found out about the crossdressing and the clubbing and dancing with dudes, I would not be one happy bunny trust me

Jess

[Joy Carter]

Take the advice from us gurls. Tell her but do be prepared to get both barrels from her. Let her vent, which will probably take days to do so. Things will get ugly. She will say many things she wouldn't normally say. But just keep quiet and gather it all in. Then talk when she comes down. Just be honest with her to a point. I just wouldn't say anything about dancing. That just might be to much. I wish you good luck.

[RobynM]

I have to admit that I thought for a while before I told my wife - I thought about it for 29 years in fact! When I told her she said that the worst part was the deception - that's the word she used. She didn't like the fact that I am transgendered but it was hiding it that hurt her.
We can eventually justify almost anything to ourselves but in a relationship it's your partner's feelings that count.

[DAVIDA]

Reverse the situation, would you be comfortable and happy and secure to know she is out *close dancing* with other dudes?

If you are completely comfortable and feel no weirdness and would not think differntly of her then by all means...contunie that close dancing.....
me thinks that alot of husbands would be uncomfortable with this scenario......at least those who value their wife and respect her......so....comments?

I have to totaly agree with Kathy! This is exactly what was going through my mind when I got to this.
Love DAVIDA

[Joanboy2001]

I can't imagine doing that. There would way to much to explain if my wife would find out.

Good luck in your decision.

[kittypw GG]

Reverse the situation, would you be comfortable and happy and secure to know she is out *close dancing* with other dudes?

If you are completely comfortable and feel no weirdness and would not think differntly of her then by all means...contunie that close dancing.....
me thinks that alot of husbands would be uncomfortable with this scenario......at least those who value their wife and respect her......so....comments?

Exactly what I was going to say Kathy.

I think that if you were honest with yourself you would not feel comfortable with here doing this and that is what is nagging at you and making you feel guilty.

Either find some way to tell her or stop "close dancing" with strange men. I personally would feel betrayed at the very least.
Kitty

[Suzie Green]

Put it this way, would you consider it cheating if you found out she was going to clubs and dancing with other men? And had been doing it for years without you knowing? Ooops, edited because I'm really repeating what someone else mentioned, but I hadn't read all of the posts!

I'm going with the "cheating" term here. To me, it would be a definite violation of my marriage vows and showing a total amount of disrespect to the person I love the most. But that's just me. My wife is the most wonderful woman in the world, totally understanding, and my #1 best friend. :love:

[ubokvt]

If you are asking this question, you already know the answer. Some part of you has crossed a line and you wonder what is happening. get in touch with your self quickly and decide who you are and where you are going. Who do you want to dance with dressed your SO or these partners? Only you Know. Your life and your selves are diverging.

[mellisa's wife]

This all reminds me at what my grandma once said....
"if you have to be hiding what you are doing, then maybe you shouldn't be doing it"

One wise woman. I miss her alot. :sad:

[dancinginthedark]

If you crossdress, and don't tell your wife, is that cheating in the marriage? I CD, and go out to clubs and stuff. I meet people, but never romantically (unless you count close dancing). I share everything else with my wife, and feel very guilty about this part of it without her. She would feel betrayed I fear if she found out -- but can't take the chance of telling her.

Good morning Leslie,
Maybe you have answered this question already for yourself? I don't think you meant literally cheating on your spouse as in infidelity but cheating your wife out on sharing this with you perhaps?? In the end it doesn't matter overly much how others see this issue it is what is in your own heart that counts.

dancin

Here is an article that you can read so you have some information if you are considering talking with your wife someday down the road. There are several very good links here so maybe have a look around. Best of luck to you no matter what you decide hun.
:hugs:


http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs/howtellpartner.html
An article written by one of our members, Marla gg, on how to tell the woman in your life about yourself.

[Penny]

No, you are not cheating on you wife but you are cheating her and that's what's wrong. You feel guilty because this behavior and you are ashamed of yourself. You need to resolve this and be able to live with yourself, your wife has a choice as whether she wants to live with you, you don't.
I can think of nothing that exeplifies our inability to think for ourselves more than crossdressing. So much of what we do is based upon what we think others will think. So not only do we end up not thinking for ourselves, but we deny others the opportunity to think for themselves as well. Lack of honest communication is a precarious way to live.:2c:

:hugs:

[janedoe311]

I have learned from first hand experience that once the cat is out of the bag your life will not be the same. In my case the change was for the worse. My wife said that she wished that she had never found out and that I just continued to do it all in secret.

It was my (perhaps mistaken) belief that I should be open and honest about this side of myself, but I have learned that there are some people who cannot, as Jack Nicholson said in a movie once, handle the truth.

Before we were married I told my wife if you are raped do not tell me. She said because you would come to Sac and kill him. I just looked at her.

Sometimes it is best to keep things from your loved one.

[ChristineRenee]

No, you are not cheating on you wife but you are cheating her and that's what's wrong. You feel guilty because this behavior and you are ashamed of yourself. You need to resolve this and be able to live with yourself, your wife has a choice as whether she wants to live with you, you don't.
I can think of nothing that exeplifies our inability to think for ourselves more than crossdressing. So much of what we do is based upon what we think others will think. So not only do we end up not thinking for ourselves, but we deny others the opportunity to think for themselves as well. Lack of honest communication is a precarious way to live.:2c:

:hugs:This may well be the best rationalization of CD'ing that I have ever read on any forum regarding this subject! Thanks Penny for your very astute insight into our lifestyle! :thumbsup: :hugs:

[Rikkicn]

Most of us have been where you are. We each have our own, unique set of feelings about ourselves and our relationships. All too often we see our selves as the problem saying things to our selves like. “There is something really wrong with me.” “Am I sick in some way? “How come this turns me on so much?” “How do I make it go away?”
On the other side of this coin, there are many on this path that call their gender journey a gift and blessing. How can that be? What have they learned about themselves and life that leads them to believe that their gender different life is a blessing?
I believe that those who come to recognize they are blessed, have found the secret to life. I’m guessing they say things like these:

• Find out who you really are and lead your life from that place. Become your authentic self, write your own story! Get to a place where you don’t care what other think about you.
• Your life will be wonderful or terrible depending on the depth and strength of your courage. Sometime our dreams just aren’t big enough.
• You will have wonderful friends, lovers or partners when you’re being your truest self. You will be respected for being who are. People will be attracted to the kindness in your heart. You’ll have a busy social life if you desire one.
• Making it through the hard times (times when we learn the most about our character) is the most important part of our personal growth.
• Divorce, separation, living alone, starting over, coming out are all difficult and painful in countless way. This will be the hardest thing you ever do. This is all very, very hard work that requires that us to participate fully in our lives. We get to decide what we want our lives to be like. When we have that figured out (for now, because it comes in stages) it becomes our own responsibility to make it happen. There’s lots of help out there so any excuses come from inside us. Find the fears that are stopping us from living our dream.
• Crossdressing is some kind of a spiritual calling or path. While we’re perfecting your make-up on the outside, we’re examining our lives and learning about empathy and sympathy. This is a key element of most all spiritual paths. Christian, Jewish, Hindi, or Buddhism they all focus on this.
• When you get there you’ll have more fun than you ever could have imagined. More friends! More lovers! More social life! More respect! More Joy! And most importantly MORE LINGERIE

[melissacd]

Take the advice from us gurls. Tell her but do be prepared to get both barrels from her. Let her vent, which will probably take days to do so. Things will get ugly. She will say many things she wouldn't normally say. But just keep quiet and gather it all in. Then talk when she comes down. Just be honest with her to a point. I just wouldn't say anything about dancing. That just might be to much. I wish you good luck.

Hmmm, yes she will vent, yes it will get ugly, yes it will take time - in some cases days, in my case 10 years of ugliness have gone by and we still have not gotten past it - but who's counting. The important message is be prepared for it to be realllllllllllllllly bad if you say anything. If you can handle realllllllllllly bad and still be standing then telling her is the way to go.

Based on what I did - just dressing...it was reallllllly bad. Based on what you described you are doing - I am guessing nuclear sounds 'bout right. Put on your lead dress and sunglasses to help sustain the shock.

Ultimately, honesty is the best policy, not the policy that keeps a marriage on the rails, but the one that, after all the dust settles, feels right. I have gone through hell with my relationship, I am still standing, I am still in the relationship though it may end soon, but if I could go back in time would I change the fact that I told her - nope! Would I change the fact that I did not tell her before we were a couple - yup! I would have told her up front based on where I am now - and that would have resulted in her and I never being a couple, but better that than what we have gone through. Would I change the way that I handled things 10 years back - yup! Would that have changed the outcome - yup, I would have gotten to where I am today faster.

In the end we each have to make our own choice based on our own reasons and our own value system - and without exception at some point in the continuum we pay the price, reap the consequences of our decision or non-decision to act.

Huggs
Melissa

[Anita Mae GG]

Being in the closet is one thing, coming out of the closet to go clubbing with other people is a whole new ballgame.........
Think of it this way........put the Cding aspect aside.......would your wife be thrilled about you going out clubbing behind her back and dancing "close" with other people?.......I think she'd be pissed........CDing isn't necessarily the "evil" here, it is the deceit alone that is the killer................you my friend, are walking on thin ice!
If you feel guilty enough to come here and ask this question, then you must have the nagging feeling it isn't right to do what you are doing

[Michelle (Oz)]

From the tone of your question you know the right thing to do and you have received some excellent advice from the group.
I don't think that blurting out a confession is a good solution though. You need to think about what you want out of your marriage and life. Do you want to have part of your life separate from your wife? Would you like to work toward going out with her en femme rather than with others?
The fact that you go clubbing with only make it harder to defend the "are you gay" question.
Think about breaking the conversation into 2 parts - the dressing as the first part and, if you want to continue going out with others, that as a second and later part.
Michelle (Oz)

[janedoe311]

Very bad advice! If you love your wife, you share everything with her including crossdressing. The reality is that many wives do accept.

Melanie

So it is a gamble but not much of one because the odds are she will leave.
Look what melissacd said.

Most women think just like the rest of the population, they believe that a person that CD is gay. Do not belive me then check with polls off this site.

That is why we are "hidding" at the site because we get no support from our family or SO.

[janedoe311]

Being in the closet is one thing, coming out of the closet to go clubbing with other people is a whole new ballgame.........
Think of it this way........put the Cding aspect aside.......would your wife be thrilled about you going out clubbing behind her back and dancing "close" with other people?.......I think she'd be pissed........CDing isn't necessarily the "evil" here, it is the deceit alone that is the killer................you my friend, are walking on thin ice!
If you feel guilty enough to come here and ask this question, then you must have the nagging feeling it isn't right to do what you are doing

Clubbing is different. You would probally have a problem with the CDing but if she was one of the rare ones that except the CD the clubbing would probally make her club you! If you need to tell her tell her about the CD. But drop a hint first find out how she feels about it in a casual conversation, Say you read in in the internet and it made you think or say what is this business about guys Cd anyway.

I am sure she will either say "Oh that is sick' or say "well I feel men need to express their female side. " This way we will know before telling her.