At what point do you tell your wife?

[Leslie16]

thanks to all for your helpful and powerful answers to my question earlier. As many of you mentioned, I guess I knew the answer.
My followup -- at what point SHOULD you tell your spouse of you x-dressing, and when (if ever!) it is something that can be kept secret.

1. Secretly wearing her clothing
2. Buying your own clothing
3. Going out for brief enfemme excursions
4. Occasionallly going out to bars and clubs, just to be seen. (I'm at this stage)
5. Frequently going out to bars and clubs, making friends.
6. En femme liasions.

[bgirl]

I notice Six steps. Is that your proposed agenda? Some of those steps will solve the problem of worrying about your marriage, there won't be one.

I waited and didn't tell her for several years. In all fairness< I should have told her before she became my wife. Even if I was in denial. She knew about everything else. I'm no longer in denial and we are trying to work it out. But if I was out clubbing and seeking other 'things' I think my coming out would be out the door.

[amanda barber]

at what point SHOULD you tell your spouse of you x-dressing,

day one.

If she's good with it you have a chance to build a relationship. If she's not good with it you can look for someone that is. At least at this point you stop wasting both your time and her time in a relationship thats only heading to a bigger and bigger castrophe as time goes on.

You have a right to not hide in your own home (its a marriage not a room-mate situation).
She has a right to know who she really married to and who's living in her house
(its a marriage not a room-mate situation).

[Karren H]

For me it was........

"Who's womens clothes are these??"

Sigh......

Karren

[Lauren B]

thanks to all for your helpful and powerful answers to my question earlier. As many of you mentioned, I guess I knew the answer.
My followup -- at what point SHOULD you tell your spouse of you x-dressing, and when (if ever!) it is something that can be kept secret.

1. Secretly wearing her clothing
2. Buying your own clothing
3. Going out for brief enfemme excursions
4. Occasionallly going out to bars and clubs, just to be seen. (I'm at this stage)
5. Frequently going out to bars and clubs, making friends.
6. En femme liasions.

When SHOULD you tell your wife? Ideally, before she becomes your wife.

But since you are already married, and are already going out once in a while, you do run the risk of being seen. Imagine that someone does recognize you while you are out and tells your wife, or snaps a picture on their cell phone and shows your wife. Now, would your wife rather hear/see it from someone who saw you out at some club (that your wife probably didn't know you were at in the first place), or from you? Would you rather your wife heard it from you, or someone else?

[Kelsy]

The one good thing about divorce (such is my case) is that you never have to tell her!!:D

Jennifer:happy:

[Sweet Cindy]

I'm only at phase 1 on your list and I need to tell her before moving on to #2.
Easier said than done, as most of us know.
I feel bad enough having deceived her as much as I already have.
I'm not judging you, just letting you know my feelings.
Best of luck, whatever you decide.

PS
There was no chance in hell I was telling her before we got married - I wasn't comfortable with it myself and hoped it would just go away. However, if sites like this had been around back then and I had private access to a computer to learn about crossdressing and therefore educate her, who knows.

[Amanda Jane]

The time to tell your wife is YEARS before she becomes your wife.

[loki_uk]

Ooops I'm at stage 5, and like going to fetish clubs dressed up

Hmmm looking at that perhaps I am a tranny lol

But as for when to tell, it's something I think about all the time....

On the one hand she hates me lying on the other she likes me to look blokish so I think either she wouldn't want to have known or she just rather I didn't do it

So it's either tell and suffer the consequences or lie and hate yourself for lying

[mary sue]

When we first got together, and having known each other for years, she took her panties off and i picked them up and put them on.The next day we talked and she accepted my fetish, no covering it up and we are hapily married.We swap frillies all the time,I buy for her and she me.

[Marla S]

:nono:1. Secretly wearing her clothing
:battingeyelashes: 2. Buying your own clothing
:angry:3. Going out for brief enfemme excursions
:evil:4. Occasionallly going out to bars and clubs, just to be seen. (I'm at this stage)
:beatup:5. Frequently going out to bars and clubs, making friends.
:loser:6. En femme liasions.

Telling her ?????????
You should start somewhere, but I don't know how.:sad:

[Andrea_girl]

For me I was so lucky. One day my SO and I were arguing about what suit I should wear to a meeting the following day. So when we could not agree I said to her that she should put out the clothes she wanted me to wear and I would wear them.

She the went out for the evening. On the bed she had laid out her black skirt suit. I was stunned. She did not expect me to wear it she had done it as a joke.

So i grasped the opportunity with both hands and put the suit on and waited for her to come home.

She thought it was really funny that her joke had back fired .

Afterward`s I said that i enjoyed wearing the suit and would she mind if i wore it again.

Luckily she said no.

The rest is history

[hotbobbie]

Before she becomes your SO>

[Tanya83]

I told her before we were married. At the time, it was a mere hobby or stimulation device (So we thought). She was ok with it.

Now that I'm a few years older and the dressing has flourished, she's a bit turned off about it.

My advice is to be completely honest right from the start or you could end up in a very sad situation.

[Bethany Ann]

When shes staring at 2000 pictures of you on the computer...ouch...that hurt. At that point lying would have only insulted her and made things much worse...she appreciated the truth.

Bethany

[SherriePall]

Telling her after step one -- secretly wearing her clothes. Only thing is I told her after nearly 25 years of marriage.

[ubokvt]

By your own admission your at step four and are considering 5 and 6. A better question is not should I tell my so, because you've already chosen not to, would be who is Leslie? Where does she fit in my life, or where do I fit in hers? Is leslie in a relationship or is she looking for one. Tell you so or not thats your decission but find out where or if CDing fits in your current life style.

1. Who am I
2. What is important to me
3. How do I want to live
4a. Do I want a relationship
4B. What kind of relationship do I want
5. what do I do to get there

You're at step one answer that question then you will have the answer when do I tell my so

[PatyR]

In my case, before got married. But I had to do it very carfully.

[lowlavalentine]

As someone who failed to follow her own advice I'd say immediately. I waited 18 yrs though, so can hardly be considered a good role model.

[Sejd]

If you keep secrets, how can you trust your wife? Is she then keeping secrets too?
Sejd

[Amanda Jane]

Secretly wearing her clothing...

is wrong no matter who the 'her' is BTW. In the same sense that "secretly" driving someones car is GTA.

[Marianna Julianna]

The time to tell your wife is YEARS before she becomes your wife.

That was my way, and it worked, but I understand why it's hard for others to do that. One thing for sure the longer you leave it the harder its going to get. I sometimes try to think myself into how a wife would feel, just finding out and all in all if I was in that position I think I'd think more of my man if he had the courage to tell me, somehow, doesn't have to be verbally. Sometimes you can explain yourself better in a letter than trying to say it all. (I'm not talking about telling the wife about crossdressing this time, there are other times when communications fail, letters saved my marriage in it's early days when my wife and I couldn't bring ourselves to talk to each other. Nothing to do with me being a T-girl, a long story)

[Lindsay]

As the others have said, the best time is before you get married, when the relationship is starting to get serious. That's when I told my SO, and I'm very glad I did. I do think keeping secrets can poison a relationship, and the longer you keep them the more poisonous they can become.

As far as your list goes, I think you're talking about two separate things: being a CD, and being unfaithful. They aren't the same thing, so while the first three are about clothes (mainly) the last three are about having a secret life that your wife doesn't know about. It doesn't matter whether you're wearing a dress or a Brooks Brothers suit - if you're seeing other people romantically or sexually and you're not in an open marriage (and by "open" I don't mean "the wife doesn't know") then you're cheating.

I'm a bit of a hardliner about relationships (broken family, blah). If you're married and want to see other people, you've got two choices: stay married and stay faithful, or end the relationship.

Amanda hit the nail on the head:

You have a right to not hide in your own home (its a marriage not a room-mate situation).
She has a right to know who she really married to and who's living in her house
(its a marriage not a room-mate situation).

[Tracy_Victoria]

thanks to all for your helpful and powerful answers to my question earlier. As many of you mentioned, I guess I knew the answer.
My followup -- at what point SHOULD you tell your spouse of you x-dressing, and when (if ever!) it is something that can be kept secret.

1. Secretly wearing her clothing
2. Buying your own clothing
3. Going out for brief enfemme excursions
4. Occasionallly going out to bars and clubs, just to be seen. (I'm at this stage)
5. Frequently going out to bars and clubs, making friends.
6. En femme liasions.


I told Raksha about my dressing before we were even living together, my view was if it would be a problem between us, it's best I tell her giving the option to back out if she wanted before either of us were serious. 14 years later and two children, I know it was the right thing to do.

I never wear Raksha's clothes I have my own, though she does have things that appeal to me, and would try if we had that sort of relationship, but we don't. Tracy has her own things and if I want something I buy it, though I normally scan ebay for cheap items in my size, yes I'm an old skinflint, but I do get things cheaper!

I know it difficult but honesty is the best policy, no one wants to live a lie for years and years, and year. my view was I could move on if Raksha said no, thankfully she didn't, what hurts woman the most is finding out 30 or 40 years of happy marriage, the man they thought they knew and loved is not that person at all. (thats the killer, the lie) hence why I told Raksha everything at the start!

[Tracy_Victoria]

As the others have said, the best time is before you get married, when the relationship is starting to get serious. That's when I told my SO, and I'm very glad I did. I do think keeping secrets can poison a relationship, and the longer you keep them the more poisonous they can become.


Very Very True.

Raksha and I don't have a total untroubled relationship regarding my dressing, she stuggles to see me become Tracy or see me dressed. So hence we handle that by her not seeing me dressed, she gives me space and I do my own thing. It's not the solution I wanted, but it is what she can give for now, that may chance, but I have accepted it won't. (which then becomes a bonus if it does in the future)

Basically we worked out the best solution for us, it's not totally how I wanted, nor is it for her, I believe, but it everything she can give for now. But most of all, we can talk, and express our feeling to each other, and thats the most positive thing we have, we can talk!

[Amanda Jane]

I agree with the above quote, but its not mine.

[Suzie Green]

The sooner the better. That said, it has to be a comfortable thing to do. I waited 33 years. I'm not sorry, it was the right time for it to come out. I think each of us knows when that time is and when it's right for you. I really don't think you can lock it into a specific time frame, since no two situations are going to be alike. Whatever works for you is the best time. :hugs:

[Tree GG]

From the SO perspective, step 1 never bothered me. He'd been wearing my clothes on occassion - so what? He only damaged a few pcs (easily repaired) because they were too small but otherwise caused no harm.
Step 2, no biggy either except he didn't go there until after I was told.
Step 3, if you count in the yard - again not a problem (we're rural)

From there on out, you should probably follow Ubokvt's advice. You apparently are pursuing a course that is possible, but very dangerous. Several couples that we are friends with have ended their marriages over one partner clubbing without the other - Cding had nothing to do with it. Stuff happens in those places - that's just the way it is. If you enjoy that environment - great, have a good time. Does Leslie want your wife with her or involved in that environment? How you & your wife choose to define sharing your lives is your business, but full disclosure of your life ambitions is only fair.

I was told the extent of his CDing ambitions after 26 yrs of marriage - that was hard enough. If he'd been "stepping out" during that time, it would've been even harder to trust him. I'm not sure I could've accepted that level of deception as "just part of who he is".

IMO, a lasting relationship needs respect as much as love.

[melissacd]

Well, from personal experience, I am learning that the point that your wife expected you to tell her, whether you planned to ever do it again or not, is before she becomes your wife.

I am going through a counseling process with her right now that is bringing all sorts of things to the surface, so in that sense it is a good experience. I am not sure that it will fix the marriage, however, it is certainly becoming an eye opener for me in terms of discovering just how deeply wounds can go that were never intended.

In as much as I tell her that I understand that she feels betrayed, trapped and that I am not trustworthy (and this is after 10 years of struggling with this with her) I guess I just did not realize how vehemently opposed to gender blurring that she really is. I am seeing that no matter how much she professes/ed she loves/ed me that this is an aspect of her mental model of the world that she just is unable/unwilling to modify or accept.

She states that, in effect, a man is a man and a woman is a woman and you cannot/should not cross that line. Now the fact that women cross that line all the time is an irrelevant fact to her. What I am coming to understand about her that I never understood before is that she has a very rigid model in her mind that she is not prepared to change. The only compromise that she has come to is that she acknowledges that I am a cross dresser and I have needs within that arena that require filling, however, she has stated most emphatically that she is unwilling to learn about, support or share with me in that area. She is fine with not knowing about any of that side of who I am, what my objectives are or what I do.

I had hoped that in time that she might come around and be more supportive and understanding. I can see now that that is a vain hope. It appears that I have a better chance of winning the lottery than ever gaining her support or understanding in this area.

So for me, I have a choice to make, whether I can live within a marriage with a person who has taken this immutable position. She can equally (and reasonably I might add) argue that she has to decide if she wants to stay in a relationship with someone who is in an equally immutable position (I will not stop being a cross dresser).

So for me the counselling is definitely helping me to better understand her point of view and I guess if I were her perhaps I would feel the same way.

So long story short, I now realize that it is absolutely paramount that you should tell your wife before she becomes your wife. I am less decided on after you become married, I know that I said in another thread that based on my experience it might not be such a good plan, however, upon reflection none of us really knows for sure how a spouse will respond to such news. Some will be shocked, but will get over it and eventually reach a positive balance with all of this, some will react supremely negatively and will terminate the relationship right there, some will be just fine with it as if you had said you just picked up the mail for the day and some will react negatively and yet drag the separation process over a long period of time (such as in my case where we have been drifting apart for a decade since she first found out).

I know not how to counsel other than to relate my insights and my experiences and then leave others to ponder, reflect and develop your own conclusions on what to do.

The choices are never clear cut, we are all individuals with unique mental models of what is right, what is wrong, what we can accept, what we can and cannot live with or do.

Good luck on your journey.

Huggs
Melissa

[heelme]

thanks to all for your helpful and powerful answers to my question earlier. As many of you mentioned, I guess I knew the answer.
My followup -- at what point SHOULD you tell your spouse of you x-dressing, and when (if ever!) it is something that can be kept secret.

1. Secretly wearing her clothing
2. Buying your own clothing
3. Going out for brief enfemme excursions
4. Occasionallly going out to bars and clubs, just to be seen. (I'm at this stage)
5. Frequently going out to bars and clubs, making friends.
6. En femme liasions.

Here's the thing. If you want to keep a secret, thus removing your wife from your CD activities, whatever they are, then you cannot tell her at any stage, right? However, if your desire is to share your CD lifestyle with your wife then the points defined above don't matter and you need to confide in her. There may be a best time to bring this all out and that time is different for different couples.

I didn't tell my wife for a number of years into our marriage. Thinking back, I'm not certain why but probably because I thought I could quit CDing. I suspect in most cases it would be best to broach this subject before you got too far in a relationship but had I done that, she would not be my wife today. It was difficult coming to terms with this "new" aspect of our lives together, but we did it and it's made us even closer.