How best to tell wife?

[Leslie16]

Once again you all have given amazingly thoughtful and worthwhile answers to my question. Here's the next step: HOW to tell her. More details:
1. I've been dressing maybe 3 years, we've been married 8.
2. I've gone out to clubs dressed (all out of town), maybe 4 times. but never have been unfaithful.
3. She's open minded about most things -- but I have no idea what her reaction would be. Once I asked to wear her panties during sex, and she was ok with that.
4. We have two young children.

How would you approach this? Or how DID you approach it in your life?

[GinaVegas]

Well for me, my wife found out about me when she found some photos on our computer of me dressed in a skirt and heels. She was the most upset that I hid it from her and didn't tell her.

That's really interesting though that she let you wear panties during sex once. So, she might already have some thoughts that you like to crossdress?

[Tree GG]

My guy didn't go full femme until after he told me. He actually told me because he knew his activity level (purchases, etc) would be increasing and I'd find out soon enough. I am grateful he thought about my feelings enough to spit it out - which was hard for him.

He took me out to dinner and told me. Now I already knew that he dressed in lingerie sometimes, he had told me that a year or so before, and between these two discussions, he had mentioned he thought it would be a "rush" to go out in public dressed as a woman. (Which I avoided that discussion like the plague)

So I got my 16 month period of denial and looking the other way before hit with the full thing. I don't know if that made it any easier or not as we've had some really bad periods and issues to resolve now that it's all out in the open. But we're getting through them and we're good.

IMO, since she knows of your attraction to fem under garments, start there & build on that. But tell all - maybe not every little detail, but that you have fully dressed and gone out in public - and plan to continue. Let her ask the questions from there as she will ask as much as she can absorb at that time. The rest can come out later as she thinks of questions. It will take time.

One word answers are no good - "I don't know" is OK if followed by "but I think....." or "I'm trying to understand that myself".

Be prepared for questions about things that you believe have nothing to do w/ CDing (her questioning your love for her, etc). Be patient - try not to get defensive - and reassure her as often needed. I know I was much more willing to listen to what he had to say when he was being sympathetic and calm. It diffused the anger that appeared occassionally.

And as the gurls have said in other posts, your CDing will change. Some things better, some things not so good. Spouse involvement changes your femme experience in countless ways. Be prepared for initial boundaries and compromises to accomodate her comfort level, understanding that that level will continually change.

Good luck to you.

[Marcie Sexton]

While I believe in truthfullness, I suggest you broach the subject of dressing first, then once you both are comfortable with each other again, perhaps you could mention in an off handed way about clubbing or how you'd like to go clubbing...:2c:

[Wendy me]

you know i wished that day one i told my wife ... now we are still not 100% together on this and as much as it sucks ... it's my fault for not telling her in the beginning.....

[Michelle 51]

Leslie.I would go slow.Try to test the water a little bit at a time.You can alway's go ahead but you can't go back.Once you come out to her and she is fine with it great but if she can't deal with it then you have to ride that pony down.I guess i'm trying to say how far do you want to go with Cding and at what cost to your family life are you willing to possibly pay. Some have to go all the way and some can find a balance.You have to decide where you fit Justabit

[JENNYgirl]

well Leslie amy you could start by wearing some mens running tights and see how she reacts to that than slowly really slowly test the waters

[Karren H]

Don't know if I've ever seen a "Good Way" to tell your wife you like to wear womens clothes!!

Heard of lots of bad ways for sure...... Like getting caught, sending her an email or letter.....and my favorite - dressing up and popping out from behind the door....Surprise!!!

You know your wife better than anyone, whether she is accepting enough to let you continue or will explode and go 180 degrees the wrong way... The ods are NOT in your favor.... Sooo I wish you good luck...

Love Karren

[Emily Ann Brown]

The best way in my opinion (having been caught last year) would be an untracable phone call from halfway around the the globe informing her that the photos laying on top of the winning lottery ticket on the coffee table are of you in a dress.


Emily Ann

[Karren H]

The best way in my opinion (having been caught last year) would be an untracable phone call from halfway around the the globe informing her that the photos laying on top of the winning lottery ticket on the coffee table are of you in a dress.

Emily Ann

We both should have thought of that plan before we fessed up!!!

Love Karren

[ColleenCD]

Leslie,

You know her best, so here are a few suggestions:

Be honest with her and yourself. Two questions to expect are: 1) Are your gay? and 2) Do you want to be a girl? Prepare for these in advance.
If you don't know the answer, then say so, but do offer what you do know.

You said she seems open, so do this in a calm quiet environment without the children where you can talk openly. Present this in a way of discovery and moving forward as opposed to revealing hidden secrets. You are learning about yourself, so this is growth.

This site has a GG Forum which may help her answer questions and share with others in her position.

There are some good books available on Amazon.com for more depth on this subject.

I hope your relationship is strengthened by your honesty with her.

Best wishes,

Colleen

[marie354]

A lot of us have gone through this and you must be honest and up front. I told my SO on the third date. Although she accepted me at that time, she didn't want to see it at all. Over the years she let me go farther and farther, until now when she lets me dress any way I want. It has taken many years to get to this point, but I have taken it slowly... One step at a time.
I've not really been out the door yet, but we do shop together now.
By all means respect her wishes. She DOES expect to have a MAN by her side you know. She may accept it right away, but probably not.
Take it slowly and work at her speed. After all you don't want to lose her.
:hugs:

[Rachel Signy]

"are you gay?" "do you want to be a woman?" - yes that's what my exwife asked me. Repeatedly.
I had just started again (after crossdressing as a teen) and had bought my first item (sandals with 4" heels) when my fiancee found the shoes and asked me whose they were. Whew, I was NOT prepared to deal with that! I told her they were mine and we had a long talk. She had to decide whether to continue with the marriage - this was a big deal for her and the wedding was only a month away.
I wasn't entirely honest with her. I told her the dressing was a fetish thing when I really wanted to be more femme: the former was more acceptable for her. It was a brief marriage (the break-up had very little to do with the dressing) and it was my only relationship with a woman who was thoroughly uncomfortable with the whole thing.
And I wish I'd been more honest all along, both with her and myself.

[Vicky_Scot]

In most cases I have read and in my own case I have found that the dressing is not so much the initial problem but its the feeling of deceit and dishonesty that wives feel more.

[Amy Hepker]

Take it slow, very slow. Let her know you are interested in dressing in Female clothing. See what she says. You have to go by her actions. It sounds like you have already taken the first step. See if she'll let you do it again this time see if she'll let you try on a Bra. I would not recomment making love to her that way it is way to early for that and she may never do that anyway. Just say, Hey I know what we can do why don't you dress me up like a girl. Let her know you don't want to do it around the kids, and see what she says. This is very touchy. She may jump in and she may be hesitant. She may just think about it a couple of days or weeks then all of a sudden pull stuff out for you to put on. Make it enjoyable for her. If she sees that it can be fun then her might do it more. There is always the posibilty that she will never want anything to do with it. But I would say talk to her, take it slow. Find out about how she feels. Don't just jump out of the closet someday wearing a complete outfit.

[Nikki Dee]

There ain't NO best way love.!!...each case is different...and only YOU know your personal situation..and your wife...Just be sure that you are prepared to accept whatever comes out of it...good and/or bad.!!!..I've been there and..eventually ..it worked out just fine.....Good luck.!
Nikki. x

[jozee]

this will give you eight months to think about it. suggest that you go out on halloween together. go to a party, dance, bar, or even hold your own party.
try to go to bed dressed afterwards. making love while dressed as a women is incredibly satisfying and fulfilling. if this works out, then you might be able to breach the subject again. good luck

[sinead]

Hello, have you ever thought about broaching the subject when there is a television program with Male drag artist in it, someone like Paul O'Grady..just say something like you wouldnt catch me dressed, and see her reaction, at least then youd have her feelings about the subject, then if seems positive would be the time to say maybe I'd try it. On the other hand if she was set against...keep stum

[janedoe311]

Then at the right moment drop a hint in a casual conversation. Say you read "this" in the internet and it made you think or say "what is this business about guys Cd anyway." Or why would a women stay with a CD man? etc. her reaction will tell you if it is safe to tell her.

I am sure she will either say "Oh that is sick' or say "well I feel men need to express their female side. " This way you will know before telling her and possibly ending your marriage.

[Bethany Ann]

Its all out to my wife now but I plan to take years to let her know what I like....move slow and cautiously...test the ice and see what happens...baby steps.

Bethany

[Bethanygirl]

Look, can you go without? If not, then respect the lady you married, and TELL her! The sooner you talk about it with her, the sooner you two can begin to live with it. Do not demonstrate or show her, just talk to her honestly and forthrightly about it before there is anymore water under the bridge. Let her set the pace of mutual discovery on this. If you have to dress when she is not ready to see it, arrange for times to do it when she is away, but with her full knowledge. No misunderstandings, respect, honesty, and fair play will bring her to acceptance if she is capable. If she cannot accept it, would you rather find out later, after more years, resentment, depression, and stress? Do her the favor of honesty, it is after all, what you owe the one you love.
Good luck whatever you decide;
Bethany
:hugs:

[Tiana]

ideally its best out in the open before marriage and children but in your situation there is much more to lose so take it a step at a time with maybe small questions or hints. maybe start with the underwear as she was ok with that and then depending on reactions progress. if you have a very close relationship where you can talk about anything then maybe a special night out and tell her then x

[SandyR]

Tree gives sound advice, mine would be don't wait to long. Mine found out. Things are going well, but it was not the best method......

Good luck!

SandyR

[DonnaT]

Here's a couple of threads you find interesting.

http://crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=40978

http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=17345


Someone aught to make these thread links a sticky, as this question does get asked a lot.

[Staci G]

I have yet to make any headway. she asked me the questions are you gay do you want to be a woman, I didnt marry a woman ect ect... always followed by "If I catch you or even think you are doing that sick s*&^ again I will divorce you" I have heard that one alot.. I think I secretly wish she would then I can be me again.. I told her I don't want to be a woman I am not gay or Bi but want to dress and appear fem. so there is the honest approch now I just hide it like a good closet CD and will do so untill I have my fill then I am outta here

I deserve more and I'm gonna have it (if she says its ok) :clap:

[melissacd]

I have learned that some women will never shine up to this. I think that that is one of the things that you have to prepare for. In effect, expect the worst, hope for the best and shoot for the middle.

In my case I got the worst. My wife said in therapy recently that she felt trapped, betrayed and that if she had known about this from the beginning she never would have gotten together with me. Expect that for some women this is a leap they cannot make.

I feel now that honesty is the right thing, that you should be open and tell her. All I am saying is you also have to accept that it could be the deal breaker. As long as you are prepared to accept the possibility that your marriage could end and then do your best to work through all of the issues that will come up and do your best to work through them so that you marriage won't end then you will be fine. There will be anger, upset, distrust, pain, but that is the price we have to pay for who we are.

I have accepted that my honesty with her was the right thing and that the end of the marriage may be my consequence for being who I am. So be it. We have to be ourselves and if our partner cannot accept that then we have the wrong partner. We also have to respect who they are, who they want to be and who they want to be with and as difficult as this may be for us to accept, it may not be us. Once the truth is out the real test of their love begins.

Huggs
Melissa

[almalove]

Here is may situacion, I can figure out very complex algebra ecuations, I'm the best at wath I do in my line of work, ( it a small state ) if some one come to me with a proble I can give the best advise, most of our firends se me as a model father and husband, but I 'va tryed to find a fool proff way to say it And can not find it. and think about it at leats once a day. I just don heva the ............. to do it most likely I never will..

Almalove