Explain to me one thing please?

[Country girl]

OKay, let me start by saying, due to some confusion, I am not, I repeat not, refering to anyone specific in this thread. These are just thoughts that I have been pondering and wanted other people's viewpoints on them. So that being said, here's the question.

I hope I don't upset anyone by asking this but, I read and reread in different threads how those of you who have an accepting SO/spouse/GF feel so fortunate to have someone who is accepting, yet at the same time I read how those of you who don't, would give anything to have one who did [accept]. So, tell me then, if you can, WHY are there CDer's out there who DO have a totally accepting SO yet it just isn't enough:( ? They shop for you and with you, want to go out with you while you are en femme, do all the things that you want to do as a CDer and still it just isn't enough? How hard can it be to realize how lucky you are to have a totally accepting SO+? ? Is it really asking to much to expect you to ask how our day is going? How about show an interest in what we like to wear, or are wearing with out it being from the standpoint of ohhh, I wish I had something like that?:eek: Are there other things in life to talk about besides every aspect of CDing? Is this the only part of life that matters? Do I sound a wee bit frustrated? Well I would really like some answers from the CDer's if anyone can help me. Thanks.
:hugs: Country Girl gg

[MsEva]

Good post, I for one am one of the lucky ones. My dear wife has known for over ten years now and is fantastic. I tell her everyday. I send love emails to her daily. She knows that she is the love of my life. That is why I don't really need to get out as Eva, I am pretty content to dress, and have dinner with her, watch a movie, have some tea. Wow, I really am lucky...gotta write her a love letter..bye
:happy:

[Diane Paris]

You ask, ..."WHY are there CDer's out there who DO have a totally accepting SO yet it just isn't enough:( ?"

I'm sure that you will hear many justifications and reasons for why we just don't get enough, but my answer is that cross dressing is an incredibly compulsive behavioral addiction. For me, it's that simple.

Thanks for asking great quetions.

Diane

[Carroll]

I can see what you mean. There are some here that have a supportive wife but complain when they cant do something like boob implants or feminization(sp?) face surgery. For me, I am happy to stay with-in the bounderys that my wife and I have agreed on. My wife has actually tried to push me farther by daring me to go to the store dressed. Still the chicken, I am :yikes:

[MsJanessa]

well one answer is that we are not all one demensional people---If crossdressing was the only thing we were concerned about then we would be in 7th heaven if a spouse TRUELY accepted it, to the point where she not only would have sex with us while we were dressed but would actually enjoy it. However such a person is truely rare and even when one does come along there are many more things that make for compatilbilty and longivity in a relationship. While cding can be a dealbreaker(one way or the other) for many couples, every T-Girl on this web is more than just a crossdresser--we are functioning human beings who have jobs, hobbies(other than cding), families and all the other baggage that goes with leading a life--although it is important to have a spouse who likes our cding and we should try to cultivate that relationship, the truth of the matter is that there are many other issues in most of our relationhips besides dressing. We shouldn't forget to work on those. Unfortunatly many of us do and with 1/2 of all marraiges ending in divorce, it doesn't suprise me that many of ours do also, regardless of our spouse's acceptance or nonacceptance of our dressing.

[MJ]

hi Country girl
very good question, i think because this forum is for cd'r we tend to talk about our-self's more so than about there so ?. i belive they do but just don't talk about them " and i think they should "
i would love to have that experience , but it's not going to happen :sad:
hugs Marissa

[suzy]

Hi Country Girl,

I have an accepting wife. I love her and enjoy a monogamous relationship. That is enough. Some aren't as fortunate and I'm sure we have all levels in between. My wife did ask for two considerations....1. That I give limit my cd dressing to about 50% of the time...she wants her husband as well and 2. That I don't ask her to dance while enfemme. Both are reasonable requests and I have agreed with both requests.

So, even though I don't have a 100% support in all that I do, I am fully content with what I do have. She has been supportative in all other aspects that I have wanted to do and even more....so no complaints from this "cowgirl." :D

[Tracy_Victoria]

I think the problem is one of time, space and other issues. I'm more than happy with the relationship I have with my partner, yes maybe I would like more, but I realise she has a life to, and that does not involve my dressing. Of late it been great to chat to her openly at odd times about my dressing, even joking about what is in this package or that just arrived!, But the fear of talking to her has never been hers, it's always been mine, ie my fear of pushing things to far!

The problem is we always tend to want more, be it another cup of tea, another sweet from the tin, more wages, bigger house, better car, more money to spend! Crossdressing is highly adictive, people don't realise how much unless you are a CD/TV, it gives a good feeling and is a buzz to the system, probably as adictive as any drug to some, therefore this is why you read these comments.

However if you asked if people would take more, and fear losing what they actually do have, I doubt many would want to take the risk. I certainly wouldn't, I'm happy with my lot and the agreement both Raksha and I have over this, in respect for the others feelings and needs!

[Emily Ann Brown]

Every CD/TG is a bit different and unique.... but many share the quality of selfishness. Guess it often comes with the condition. I am one of the sisters with a totally UNACCEPTING wife. I would love to have some acceptance and would probably bend over backwards to make her feel appreciated if she would just attempt to understand.

I will assume your question comes from personal frustration....hang in there. Be honest with your partner about how you feel. There is always hope for problems turning around.

Emily Ann

[marie354]

I have an accepting SO and I DO show her how much I care all the time. I give her a hug or kiss almost every time we are near. I buy her things too. Even if it's just a pair of earings, she loves it. I sometimes create a card on the computer and place it on her desk before she sits down.
I don't talk about her much here because this is a CD site about CD issues and not everyone has a SO.
I'm sure there are others here that respect there SO and just don't talk (brag) about her much.
:hugs:

[Dana Carlton]

...........cross dressing is an incredibly compulsive behavioral addiction.
Diane

So true. It's something I want to do 24/7, though I have cut back alot with it. My wife knew about my dressing before we were married (2nd marriage for both, married 2 years now). However, she didn't marry me because I was a crossdresser. She understands and accepts it as basically a hobby of mine. At times she fully enjoys it (:D ), and other times she just tolerates it. If I do start going a little overbaord with it, she definately lets me know. And that I fully understand. If all I cared about was my dressing, she never would have married me. I still show plenty of interest in the things she cares about and likes to do. Marriage can not be one-sided.

You could relate your question to almost anything. Take sports as an example. If a husband watched sports on TV, goes to sporting events, reads sporting magazines, and couldn't get enough of sports, and thus totally ignored his wife's feelings and her interests because of his sports addiction, it's basically the same principal.

It is a very good question that you pose. However, it does not just relate to our crossdressing.

[Marla S]

Are there other things in life to talk about besides every aspect of CDing? Is this the only part of life that matters? Do I sound a wee bit frustrated? Well I would really like some answers from the CDer's if anyone can help me. Thanks.
:hugs: Country Girl gg
I think only very few of us have really sattled the struggle of being CD and worked it out in a way that it is a "normal" part of ones identitiy. Self-acceptance isn't enough to reach this. That's an important reason why we are here.
An analogy that is often used is puberty.
An adolescent in puberty is highly compulsive and self-centered usually, only hears what he likes to hear, explores the extremes, doesn't care much about experiences or the feeling of others, the less he has "like-minded" companions.
I think there are a lot parallels to CDs. We didn't grow in this role within years or decades, we have to make a crash course. That's no excuse but might explain it a bit.
I have high respect for the SOs, that try to accept and support a pubescent CD.
Most become adult someday, some never, just like in real life.

[Tree GG]

...we would be in 7th heaven if a spouse TRUELY accepted it, ....
...such a person is truely rare and even when one does come along there are many more things that make for compatilbilty and longivity in a relationship. ...
...we should try to cultivate that relationship, ....

Agreed. Mutual respect, affection and appreciation are critical to a healthy relationship, IMO. As a GG/SO I choose which is more important - my comfort level or my relationship with my husband. He's been a faithful partner for 1/4 century - he's well within his rights to ask for a little "latitude" in his hobbies or behaviors.

He also has the right to choose which is more important - my comfort level or his needs (addiction if you want to call it that). As with any relationship, there is a happy medium somewhere in there where we can share the experience if desired by always remembering that his life & feelings are nearly as important to me as mine, and vice versa. And we both proceed with the understanding that his femme self is not a 3rd person, just an extension of himself. "She" feels the same way about "her" life partner as he does and has the same responsibilities, obligations and committments.

It's a choice, made without duress or resentment, given with the best interests of both as motivation.

[jillwadden]

I too have noticed the tendancy for the topics discussed here to very much about our dressing and related issues,rather than our SOs.I am one of the fortunate ones who have an accepting,supportive SO.We have a great relationship and are very considerate of each other's needs and wants.for instance,I do most of the cooking,laundry,yard work.etc because I have more time than she has.We always have time to talk to each other and I am so grateful to have her,and she knows it because we always say so.It's a mutual feeling.
That being said,because this forum is for crossdressers and SOs of crossdressers,the main topic of discussion is ,by definition ,going to be focussed on crossdressing.I hope this all makes sense to you and is of some help.Good luck .I wish you all the best.

Jill

[Suzie S.]

Hi Country Girl! You have very valid questions and I understand it is frustrating. I've picked up on this in the forums also. Call me sensitive, but I DO care enough to ask how your day is going. What you and all the other GG's here are going through must be tough, very tough. I could never stand here and say I know how you must feel. This is one area that I wouldn't want to walk a mile your shoes. :happy:

Yes, I do have an accepting wife. I also know there are many wives and GF's that are not at all accepting. Yes, I AM lucky. I'm married to a very special girl, but not just because she accepts my crossdressing. It's for a myriad of reasons. We love each other very much and this is just one speedbump that we ran over together and survived. For that, I'm eternally grateful and make sure she knows that!

Crossdressing can be quite obsessive and compulsive, even selfish in some fashion. We as MEN, boyfriends, or husbands need to be a little more compassionate and attentive to the impact that crossdressing has on our partners lives. We need to remember that at least 99.999 percent of the GG's here and everywhere didn't bargain for this when they met us.

I have never been out of my house dressed except for a Halloween or two, mostly because my wife would rather I did not. Thats just fine with me. Her wishes count too. There needs to be a balance in any relationship, and each partner is responsible for their side of the scale. Don't tip that scale without a mutual agreement and a heart to heart talk. I'm not tipping mine any time soon, as I, for one, love my wife MUCH more than crossdressing!

So, Country Girl how IS your day, I really DO care! :love:

This isn't Suzie S. talking,
this is the real guy that wears those clothes of hers

[Sejd]

Good thread, Country Girl GG!
You mean like in "Grow up?". I know from my own experience with a supporting SO, that in the beginning, embracing this side of ourselves, it can be a bit overwhelming, and probably very anoying for the partner. However, there should be a gradual "coming down" and "getting real" which should allos for other brain activiti other than CD'ing. In my own case, I think that I moved very fast into a more Trans Gender situation. I don't want a lot of attention, I'd rather just go on with my life, blend in, be a good partner. I also think that if the case as you mention, causes a lot of stress for you, it's your responsibility to say ENOUGH, or "What about me?".
Thanks for bringing it up.
hugs
Sejd:love:

[Marcie Sexton]

Good thought, but I for one realize "JUST" how lucky I am !

I couldn't want or ask for more. She has provided the support I needed, the love I adore, and the friendship I crave...In a word "perfect" for my wants and needs... :hugs: :hugs:

Just sign me one lucky guy/gal :love:

[marie354]

I must add some more... I've been think about this for a while and I think that I can explain it from a man's point of view.....
A man tends to show his feelings in a different way sometimes... Jumping out of the car and pumping the gas... Opening doors when we go out... Making sure the bills are always paid so you have no worries... Never forgetting at least a card for you on special days, like mother's day, your birthday. I'm sure that a gift on any would be very nice to you, but oftin men don't think as emotional as women. I've one of the different ones, I thing. I've always been very emotional. I even cry at the happy moments in TV movies.
I hope this helps.
:hugs:

[Karren H]

I agree with you CGGG!!! Those selfish bitchs!!! String um up by their garter belts!! Who do they think they are?? :)

I'm actually glad for two things.... My wife accepts me as her husband.... And she doesn't participate in my hobby!! I really enjoy shopping for my own things, and my fem adventures out and about!! And having some "help" would surely take away from my ability to express myself fem wise... Especially since we don't have the same tastes in clothes... Then there's the "can't go out of the house dressed" thingy which would kill me....

So while you girls that have accepting SO's are lucky, in a way..... So am I.... In other ways...

Soooo pay attention to your SO's needs.... Loves a 2 way street!! And get your feet off the coffee table... Make the bed.... Clean the garage.... Wash the dishes......

:D

Love Karren

[Jenny Beth]

I'm one of the lucky ones too, not only is my wife supportive but she's been out with me several times, something I never thought she'd want to do. For me there are no complaints about wanting to go further or wishing to transition. I think the main reason things work for us is we've never had a fight or even raised our voices at each other. Not a day goes by without several hugs and saying how much we love each other. Next week we will have been together 26 years, we must be doing something right!

[Country girl]

I really appreciate all the insightful replys. I realize that having a relationship should involve alot more aspects of life than just accepting the CDing of your SO. However, I was and still am curious as to why sometimes that's all that seems to be important?

Tree, great observations. I think you hit one very major nail on the head when you stated mutual respect. That's a biggy.

Suzy, thanks for asking how my day is going. I like to think of myself as a usually upbeat person. Most days are good for me. We all have downer days for one reason or another.

Karren, good observations, however some men don't feel they have a responsibility where finances are concerned, or they feel limited responsibility. And when the SO in question doesn't live with you, then the responsibility should be based on circumstances.

I know all about the "pink fog" aspect of CDing where all you can think about is CDing. But what I am asking about is just common human decency. When you go to the store you will sometimes ask the clerk how their day is going. You actually carry on conversations that have nothing to do with CDing activities. I think that we all just need to be more sensitive to other people, no matter where the relationship happens to be at the moment. Everyone wants to feel as if someone actually cares how they are doing.

:hugs: CG gg

[Rachel Morley]

Hi Country Girl,

Far be it from me to put words in your mouth but it seems to me that what you're talking about something that is about the nature of a person not specifically about cding. In other words the compulsive behavior this time happens to be cding but it could just as well be any thing else.

Is it really asking to much to expect you to ask how our day is going? How about show an interest in what we like to wear, or are wearing with out it being from the standpoint of ohhh, I wish I had something like that?:eek: Are there other things in life to talk about besides every aspect of CDing? Is this the only part of life that matters?
It sounds likes you are referring to someone who is incredibly selfish and totally obsessed with themselves and what they're doing (cding this time)....in short, a "total ass guy!" :( I don't know if you were referring to something or someone going on in your life now or not, but IMHO they (this guy) needs to think more like a woman... I mean to say where's the empathy?

I know all about the "pink fog" aspect of CDing where all you can think about is CDing. But what I am asking about is just common human decency. When you go to the store you will sometimes ask the clerk how their day is going. You actually carry on conversations that have nothing to do with CDing activities. I think that we all just need to be more sensitive to other people, no matter where the relationship happens to be at the moment. Everyone wants to feel as if someone actually cares how they are doing.
IMHO This type of behavior would come from a person who doesn't actually care too much about us (as a person). It doesn't matter who or what this person is (spouse/SO) if I felt that I was doing everything I could to love, share and be there for this person, I would expect the same back. I think it's time you talked to whoever,about how they make you feel. You want to feel loved and special for yourself, and an accepting GG shouldn't make any difference to that.

:2c:

[Lady Jayne]

Country Girl, I hope I don't upset anyone by answering, I don't have a partner at the moment but I think if you replaced the CD part of your question with "men" in general I think you would still be asking the same questions. As much as we like to pretend from time to time on the whole we are men and men are generally far more self centered than women, sadly it's in our nature to be more possessive and selfish than women. It doesn't mean we don't care we are just brought up that way. From a very early age boys are taught to be competitive and aggressive, we are given toy guns or soldiers, we are taught to go and get what we want. Where as girls are given dolls and teddy bears they are taught to love and care for them, they are given toy vacuum cleaners, pushchairs and kitchen sets and they are encouraged to help mummy baking ect,
Basically girls are taught to care for others while boys are taught to care for themselves. Sadly these lessons once learnt are difficult to forget. That said I do think many CD's have a more caring sensitive side it is just difficult for them to show it.

[suchacutie]

A relationship: one of the most complex topics there is.

My answer is that I expect that for those who have accepting/helping SO's (and maybe for those who don't!) that our CDing is treated within our relationships as every other issue/facet of that relationship. If our relationships are built on mutual trust, respect, and compromise, I would bet that the whole topic of CDing slots nicely into the relationship. If the relationship has some aspects that are in some strife, then I would bet the CDing also slots in there along those lines. Since the CDing can be intensely emotional, this one facet may bring out the best and the worst in the relationship....a bell-weather of sorts.

From my perspective, my wife literally brought Tina in existence. She was the first to say "we should get you a dress"....and we were off from there. And yes, she wants the man she married to be the dominant part of her life. Who can blame her? I want the woman I married as well!!!! So, can I/do I dress as much as I might or as completely as I might? Well, no. Nothing is more important that our relationship, and I do hope we both prove and reprove that to each other every day!

Tina

[gennee]

My wife accepts my dressing. Matter of fact, we share clothing. I told her that she's the one I love when I came out to her. Things have worked out great.

Gennee

:happy:

[Country girl]

Angel, you are so right. It shouldn't matter who the other person is or whether they are accepting of a certain aspect of our persona. It is called common human decency. You ask your friends how they are doing and /or how their day is going right? If they know about your CDing that isn't the only topic of conversation is it?

Jayne, while not all men are so self centered, I will agree that men are definately brought up differently than women. However, I will say that I also think, for the most part, that CDer's, for what ever reason, do tend to be more emotional and caring. This whole thread was just to get some feedback on questions that have been nagging me.

Again, thanks to all who have or will take the time to answer.

[Gisele]

I couldn't be more happy with my relationship with my SO. She is 100% behind me. I am 100% behind her. She knows this and I tell her everyday.

I know that I could go 100% female and she would still love me for who I am.

So, all in all this girl couldn't want more other than hitting the lotto.:D LOL

[janedoe311]

I do not talk about it and that is the way my wife wants it.

So can not relate to you question.

But we both are under a lot of stress and never ask about each others day.

Maybe he is just preoccupied. Start up a conversation.

I have things in my head all the time (boring job, house that never is getting finished, no self esteem, failing business to name a few. I am worrying about things all my waking time, and starting a casual conversation is really breaking up my thoughts. My wife talks to me and I do not hear, it really makes her mad.

So give him a little slack.

[Victoria Anne]

Hi Country Girl,a very good question.I will say this I am blessed to have a truely wonderful accepting wife who not only supports me but shares and suggest activities we can do together.Do I want more? yes ...is it selfish...yes. Mrs.M. loves me in drab and as Victoria Anne, she deserves to have her husband as well as her girlfriend. There is a compromise at which I except because I love her and would die for her and so I am happy with what I have. I know this is not a straight forward awnser to your question but I hope it helps.:happy:

[SherriePall]

My wife is not accepting (with some conditions, though). On the whole, I feel I am very fortunate to be married to her. I try to show her how I feel, although I feel I sometimes fall way short.
And, yes, I guess we CDers can be very selfish at times and forget about others.

[Rebecca Petersen]

I hope I don't upset anyone by asking this but, I read and reread in different threads how those of you who have an accepting SO/spouse/GF feel so fortunate to have someone who is accepting, yet at the same time I read how those of you who don't, would give anything to have one who did [accept]. So, tell me then, if you can, WHY are there CDer's out there who DO have a totally accepting SO yet it just isn't enough:( ? They shop for you and with you, want to go out with you while you are en femme, do all the things that you want to do as a Coder and still it just isn't enough? How hard can it be to realize how lucky you are to have a totally accepting SO+? ? Is it really asking to much to expect you to ask how our day is going? How about show an interest in what we like to wear, or are wearing with out it being from the standpoint of ohhh, I wish I had something like that?:eek: Are there other things in life to talk about besides every aspect of CDing? Is this the only part of life that matters? Do I sound a wee bit frustrated? Well I would really like some answers from the CDer's if anyone can help me. Thanks.
:hugs: Country Girl gg

Some CD's think they possess feminine qualities, but lack what I call the three"C's." Caring, compassion and consideration. Yes, you are an equal part of the relationship and deserve not only normal conversation, but also the need to feel wanted.
Unfortunately on a forum dedicated to CDers the conversation is going to lean toward the trivial, superficial aspect of CDing.
Tell "Him" hey, want to feel super feminine, try taking care of the kids, while I spend a day at the spa. How about you clean and cook and I'll primp, then talk to all my girlfriends about what I wore today, or will wear in the future. Want to feel "Extra" feminine, try cleaning the toilet. Maybe it will put things in a different prospective for your CD SO.
Sorry, guys, but sometimes we forget how great we have it, and abuse the privilege.

[Country girl]

I do not talk about it and that is the way my wife wants it.

So can not relate to you question.

But we both are under a lot of stress and never ask about each others day.

Maybe he is just preoccupied. Start up a conversation.

I have things in my head all the time (boring job, house that never is getting finished, no self esteem, failing business to name a few. I am worrying about things all my waking time, and starting a casual conversation is really breaking up my thoughts. My wife talks to me and I do not hear, it really makes her mad.

So give him a little slack.

Jane, first let me say, I am sorry that you are having to face the problems you talked about. Good luck with your business and I hope things turn around for you.

Second, I never said I was talking about one person in particular. I see this as a problem that a lot of gg's face everyday from their SO/spouse/BF's. I agree with occasionally granting slack when someone is having a bad day, or even a bad week. What I am talking about is everyday conversation, day in and day out. It gets a bit tiring always hearing about their day, and what they want and what you can do to make their exsistence better. Life is not all about ME, ME, ME. Some sensitivity and consideration is not to much to ask.

[Country girl]

Some CD's think they possess feminine qualities, but lack what I call the three"C's." Caring, compassion and consideration. Yes, you are an equal part of the relationship and deserve not only normal conversation, but also the need to feel wanted.
Unfortunately on a forum dedicated to CDers the conversation is going to lean toward the trivial, superficial aspect of CDing.
Tell "Him" hey, want to feel super feminine, try taking care of the kids, while I spend a day at the spa. How about you clean and cook and I'll primp, then talk to all my girlfriends about what I wore today, or will wear in the future. Want to feel "Extra" feminine, try cleaning the toilet. Maybe it will put things in a different prospective for your CD SO.
Sorry, guys, but sometimes we forget how great we have it, and abuse the privilege.

Rebecca, I agree completely with what you are saying. I am not in a relationship where any of those components come into play, but I do feel as if there is a certain amount of consideration that you should give to the other person, no matter who that person might be. I do think we tend to take advantage of the other person when we are in a relationship. And maybe I am focusing on CDing because it is a facet of the relationships on this forum. But it does seem to me that there is a lot of me time spent on the threads here and in the relationships on this forum. I guess I'm just trying to point out that we could all be a little more caring and considerate of our partners, no matter what stage the relationship is in. As you put it, quit abusing the priviledge of having an accepting partner, because based on the majority of threads, an accepting SO is a rarity.

[Annaliese]

Why are some of self centered jerks, that has nothing to do with our Cding just some people think of know one but there self. Some men would be the same way with sports they think of nothing else but sport and there wife come second to that.

Anna

[SandyR]

Over the years my wife and I have endured many things, not un-kike all of you I am sure. When she discovered my CD'ing I thought "thats it dummy, you blew it now". I was wrong. She is accepting, we talk about it every week, but I never, ever make it a priority with her. We are the focus when together, I tell her I love her several times a day, help around the house, do most of the cooking, ect. She's a great mom, excellent person and my best friend!

CGGG, I guees we are all different and I truely hope things work out for you. Hang in there!

Hugss

SandyR

[DAVIDA]

Let's see; Jean is the one who helped me accept that this is what I am and there is nothing wrong with me.
She is always there if I need advice(and sometimes when I don't)
I know that she loves me and she is my best friend.
She never says anything about spending money(and I buy a lot of shoes). It is usually me saying something about money,because she has a tendency to go overboard when she goes shopping with me.
When we get home from work, we sit at the kitchen table and talk for an hour at least. Then I will take a shower or ,as Jean prefers, a soaking hot bath. She says it makes my skin softer.
The only thing that I need more of is time to spend with ,not just my significant other,she is my only other.
Love DAVIDA

[janedoe311]

Jane, first let me say, I am sorry that you are having to face the problems you talked about. Good luck with your business and I hope things turn around for you.

Second, I never said I was talking about one person in particular. I see this as a problem that a lot of gg's face everyday from their SO/spouse/BF's. I agree with occasionally granting slack when someone is having a bad day, or even a bad week. What I am talking about is everyday conversation, day in and day out. It gets a bit tiring always hearing about their day, and what they want and what you can do to make their exsistence better. Life is not all about ME, ME, ME. Some sensitivity and consideration is not to much to ask.

He just does not know what else to talk about.

My wifes brother talks about nothing but his job on family gatherings, he is a banker and you can not get any more dull than that.

I only talk about work when something funny or strange. My wife is a teacher and I work in a Jr college so we have some things in common in work. We laughted once when I came home complaning about the college students and she said she has the same problems with the 4 year olds!
I would not bore her with computer problems like her brother bores us with the "dog eat dog" banking industry.

So I doubt is it me me me. It is just he has no imagination. You will need to break in and get a conversation going on something else.

[Country girl]

Let's see; Jean is the one who helped me accept that this is what I am and there is nothing wrong with me.
She is always there if I need advice(and sometimes when I don't)
I know that she loves me and she is my best friend.
She never says anything about spending money(and I buy a lot of shoes). It is usually me saying something about money,because she has a tendency to go overboard when she goes shopping with me.
When we get home from work, we sit at the kitchen table and talk for an hour at least. Then I will take a shower or ,as Jean prefers, a soaking hot bath. She says it makes my skin softer.
The only thing that I need more of is time to spend with ,not just my significant other,she is my only other.
Love DAVIDA

Davida, what a lovely reply. Now see this is the kind of thing I meant when I first asked these questions. Everyone, regardless of who they are should think of their partner first and put their partners needs above theirs. If both parties in a relationship could see this and do this, then relationships would become that much more satisfying. The other person in the relationship should be your only other. Thank you for you insightful response.

[ubokvt]

Thank you Country Girl for this thread. It is a very valid piont to consider and discuss.
First I agree with much of what has been said here. But in looking at this issue I like to remember all CD's are a little different just as each relationship is different. Also I like to consider factors such as when the SO found out and how long the individual has been out, Free so to say.

In this thread there has been some talk of a compulsive behavior, I like to think of it more as self absorbsion. The intial sense of freedom, that you are finially free to explore all you've repressed and your spouse thinks its ok is truning the kid loose in the candy store.

In addition as the individual dresses and explores, they change, they grow, they develop and the SO and the relationship have to also. It takes work on every ones part. Something the self absorbsion misses. I have a supportive wife and we set time asided daily to check on the relationship and each other. How does dressing fit and Sara is a common item but no more so than our daugter, Dianes growth and life.

For thos that truly feel they are in the wrong body and have to transition, well thats a differnt converstion.

[susie evans]

i let my wife know often how much i love and support her and how thankfull i am that she is a huge part of my life there is NOTHING more important than my family :love:

susie

[Sierra Evon]

Indeed , country girl , good post , well for me I'm a live alone home alone girl , I was married for 10 years , my then wife found out and was not-supportive at all , caused several arguments , for me it just had to be this way for me to be me , the girl inside could not hide , so as far as offering you an explanation to your question , I think its something that you and only you can answer , hope that helps you out , :happy:

[JulieCDorlando]

Hello,
I might be a little different than most of the others on this forum. I am single, and dress about 25% of the time. There are times when I feel I might be out of touch with others that dress more often than I do, and have accepting wives/So's in thier lives. On your question on why it isnt enough just to have an accepting wife/SO? As there are many reasons why a CD dresses there are that many explinations on why enough is not enough. As you probably know CDing can be an addictive part of some peoples life. My guess is that a CD feels so liberated by being accepted by a wife/SO that we want it all. A CD will keep pushing that proverbial envelope as far as they can to achieve the goal. We get to wrapped up in our own pleasures, not realizing that we sometimes leave our SO's behind much to their dismay. It isn't intentional, but it happens. Often to late for some. I suppose once there isnt anything left for a CD to experience while dressed, perhaps things will calm down to some degree. I read some posts from GG's expressing their dismay at how thier CD husbands act, and I (like you) am perplexed at this behavior. As in life, all of us (CD, GG, SO,) want everything good in life. Houses, cars, clothes, etc. So I would say a CD that goes beyond having an accepting wife/SO wants everything as the woman they feel they are. I do apologize if my answer has not cleared up any of your questions. I do hope that some how I have added a little something for you.

[Bethanygirl]

It sounds to me like your experiences with cd's involve those that have not come to terms with their own trangenderism, or how it relates to themselves. The obsesive behavior would seem to denote a dissaffection with their self-image and what they are doing. They just need to come to terms with this thing, and so the basic conflicts they are feeling are somewhat consuming. I feel for your confusion and dissatisfaction with the situation, but until the cd's come to terms with themselves, they will seem obsessive about these issues. Good Luck honey!
:love:

[lori m crawford]

OKay, let me start by saying, due to some confusion, I am not, I repeat not, refering to anyone specific in this thread. These are just thoughts that I have been pondering and wanted other people's viewpoints on them. So that being said, here's the question.

I hope I don't upset anyone by asking this but, I read and reread in different threads how those of you who have an accepting SO/spouse/GF feel so fortunate to have someone who is accepting, yet at the same time I read how those of you who don't, would give anything to have one who did [accept]. So, tell me then, if you can, WHY are there CDer's out there who DO have a totally accepting SO yet it just isn't enough:( ? They shop for you and with you, want to go out with you while you are en femme, do all the things that you want to do as a CDer and still it just isn't enough? How hard can it be to realize how lucky you are to have a totally accepting SO+? ? Is it really asking to much to expect you to ask how our day is going? How about show an interest in what we like to wear, or are wearing with out it being from the standpoint of ohhh, I wish I had something like that?:eek: Are there other things in life to talk about besides every aspect of CDing? Is this the only part of life that matters? Do I sound a wee bit frustrated? Well I would really like some answers from the CDer's if anyone can help me. Thanks.
:hugs: Country Girl gg
you are so right ther is more to cressdressing an a good women that will help or go along with it wish i cood find one

[Sweet Jane]

Hi...

I sometimes wonder if it is always the grass is greener. The closet CD wants a spouse who accepts, then wants to dress more often, then want boobs and then wants....

I have had a chat to my wife regarding weraing womens lingerie. She doesn't "participate" in any CD activity...probably would if I pushed it. She doesn't know about the "full make up". I think she may be OK with it..my problem is with me.

I'm not sure I want an accepting spouse. Oh sometimes, I wish it more than anything, but I don't want my crossdressing to become a major part of my life..I have been doing this thing alone for so long now, I don't know if I can share it with any one that I love. It's not being deceitful....just selfish I suppose.

If my wife knew and accepted then she may want me dressing often..I don't want CDing to take any greater part of my life than it is right now..and I suppose I only want to dress for me!! I get embarrassed about dressing, and I don't want to feel embarrassed with my wife..damn I see her every day and I'd like to look her in the eye without feeling silly. I also fear that it may lead to me becoming a more committed CD, and want to dress all the time....or.....worse!! Acceptance brings freedom, and I'm thinking the closet is about the right size.

I'm not sure if this answered the question though...sorry I just rambled...

[Gary]

Well I have no idea...what else is new? As this is all still new to me, and my wife, weve just had to play it by ear...sometimes we work thru something fine...sometimes we struggle...i do try to think of my wife in many aspects of my life...i struggle with the things she feels and deals with daily due to my crossdressing...she is much more active here and is usually the one that starts the cd discussions...(im not allowed to do so apparently, just talked about that tonite...hi honey...hehe).

Am i grateful for what I have...yes...do i want more...of course...i want more out of everything...i expect more out of others and myself...ive never been content to sit, settle or be complacent...for me to do so would be to stagnate...whether it is my picture taking, photo manipulation stuff, art, knowledge, I am never content and hope I never will be...i refuse to except mediocre in myself and in those around me...does this cause problems? omg yes...my wife will ask me how to fix a simple thing on a picture and can i tell her how? No. I have to tell her how I would do it and all the steps and procedures and tools I would use...can you say extreme perfectionistic tendencies? Heck, all she wanted was to fix that little thing and Im creating a picaso...lol...god im hard to live with.

She is more than very accepting and seems to grow more and more each day...then backs up two steps...then grows again. Ive always shown her ways to expand her boundaries and thoughts and push those societally imposed restrictions and limitations out the door...that the woman hasnt ran screaming naked thru the neighborhood yet is truly amazing.

As far as the obsessing...I have OCD and a slew of other little quirks so I obsess over everything, and at times that includes her. Is that ever enough for her? No. Would i ever expect it to be? No. I expect her to push me to be the best I can as well...whether that is a husband, friend or whatever, I hope she never settles. Does this create problems? Yes, oh heck yes, but I would have it no other way...my relationship is still as vibrant and passionate as that first nite...better in many ways as I now know the combination to her lock...hehe...but things, all things, can always improve and Im not about to settle for anything. Can yall see why my wife takes medication? God, Im hard to live with...gary

[Michelia]

Country Girl GG

I have always enjoyed your points of view. Now I get to tell you about this obsession.

I am one of the very lucky few.

My GG and I have taken this CD thing all the way and it has made for a very fulfilling relationship. We haven't had major problems because we talk about everything and neither of us ever holds our tongue. We are also lucky in that we have a lot in common and we do just about everything together. So we have lots to talk about other than CDing. We really do not talk about CDing much, but we share it all the time. She has told me if I want to be a full time girl it is OK by her. But I am Ok at 50/50. She demands and expects a lot of attention and I try to give it to her.

Now about the obsession...I have had a very hard time getting to the point where there is a balance between CDing and the rest of my life. It has not been easy at all. And this just does not apply to my wife but to my job and my finances and everything. I am getting there though. There have been times when I blamed all the distraction on Michelia and my GG made me realize that to do that is not fair. Michelia and I and my GG all need each other. Maybe without Michelia I would have gone down into depression, who knows? Our life has been a challenge this last year (not CD related). So I am not clear on the answer . I definitely obsessed, but maybe I needed that at the time!

One observation if I may - and that may serve you and other GG's and their CDs well: I believe (and I think my special SO and I have corroborated this) that it is important for CDs and their GGs to find other interests in their lives if they do not have them. Whether these are shared or not. This will go a long way towards balancing other aspects of life with CDing.

Michelia

[ashlee chiffon]

its simple...many cd's get so involved in their dressing, it becomes a consuming interest and they forget there are others in the world! I was that way and it cost me a relationship! Won't do it again, but it's a little too late now! Live and Learn! I was confused about myself, embarassed to dress fully unless alone *panties and lingerie can be hidden under clothes, but full dress is "out there" and made me self conscious at that stage of my life", needing to be around other cd's to share a common interest...which raises questions and confusion with a SO...Often made my SO feel insecure because i looked good dressed and she didn't feel like putting on skirts and heels for the most part...i guess that was a lot of it...i wanted someone to dress up with and see dressed up and that wasn't her...hindsight is always better then foresight...and i didn't see that i was doing the dressing for me and not for "us"...leaving her in her world and me in mine...
looking back, i wish i would have done things way differently and if given the chance to mix love and dressing...i would definately make my SO feel sooo special and wanted and loved ...and be romantic and caring and the kind of person i would rather be...but i'm older and its taken years to grow into my mindset and i appreciate things much more now then then...hopefully i'll find another great gal like yourself to share life with! My dressing would be the bonus and i would make sure it would be fun for her, also!

[Country girl]

Thanks so much to all the great replys and everyone's imput.

Michelia, what you had to say was very profound. It is so important and essential to share other interests in any relationship. NOT JUST CDing. I also think that it doesn't matter who you are, it is quite common to take our partners for granted. People have to work to keep the relationship exciting and alive. Everyone can be at times self centered and get into the me, me, me stage. What we have to do is learn how to find a good balance. Let our SO's know that we care about them and their interests as well as our own. Thanks for sharing.

Ashlycal, to often we don't realize what we have until it is too late and they are gone. I think if more people would learn to be happy in the relationship they are in instead of always searching for that one better then more people would also learn what it is to have contintment in their lives.

I'm glad this thread has got a lot of people thinking and am looking forward to any more replys that you may have to offer.
:hugs: to all CG gg

[Kristen Kelly]

Very good thread, everyone has raised a lot of good points, I hate to oversimplify all of what has been said, but I was taught as a child, "Treat others, as you would like to be treated yourself." I have a very supportive GF and told her about my CDing in July. In the beginning that’s all we have talked about, it was hard not to be that little girl in the candy store, wanting to see how far I could push that pink line. Things have settled down, she is going out tonight with the girls and I, dancing, something she has done before. She is Very accepted by the other girls when out and has been told just how lucky I am, I have told her when I have gone to some parties where she has gone before I’m asked, “Where’s your GF”.
A point was brought up about each having their own interests, that is so true, I have made so many friends lately, and one very special one, I talk to a lot and go out with all the time. She feels she has nothing other than us and needs an interest all of her own, and she is right and I owe it to her to accept it and not crowd her.
I treat her very well, and have her best interests at heart, I just have to remember to tell her just how special she is to me.

[Lawren]

In my case, Kerry is very supportive and I do not ask for anything more. There are some things she will not let me do but mostly they coincide perfectly with things I do not want to do anyway. (We have very similar tastes in apparel.) In her own words, "There are many things worse than crossdressing that a man can do" She truly is a sweetheart about it all and I cannot ask for anything beyond than that.

[Country girl]

In my case, Kerry is very supportive and I do not ask for anything more. There are some things she will not let me do but mostly they coincide perfectly with things I do not want to do anyway. (We have very similar tastes in apparel.) In her own words, "There are many things worse than crossdressing that a man can do" She truly is a sweetheart about it all and I cannot ask for anything beyond than that.

Lawren, your Kerry is a very smart woman. There are so many worse things than crossdressing that a man could do. If everyone of the CDer's who feel ashamed about what they do could understand that, and if everyone else who has problems with someone who CD's just because they CD could understand it, then it would be so much more readily acceptable.

I liken this to a true story that happened to me when my son was 15. [he is now 25], anyway he wanted to get his ears pierced and I was brought up in a very strict household where boys, or men if you will, did NOT get their ears pierced, and back then it certainly wasn't as accepted for both ears as it was to just do one. Well I called my sister, the voice of reason, and expected her to give my son a stern lecture on why he shouldn't get his ears pierced. I had already told him not while he lived in my house! Anyway, I was the one who got the lecture. In no uncertain terms, my sister pointed out to me what a wonderful man my son was growing into, he didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, get in trouble in or out of school, was very respectful of others, peers and adults alike and was a great help to me, a single mom. In very short order she stated, "Think about all the other things he could want to do or be doing!" needless to say, I learned a very valuable lesson that day, and my son got his ears pierced.

Sometimes in life we are far to hasty to judge others, or ourselves based on societies notion of what is and isn't acceptable. I'm glad that my eyes were opened that day by my sister and that I can see the true worth of a person by who he/she is on the inside, not by judging the outside.

[Glamourgirl GG]

OKay, let me start by saying, due to some confusion, I am not, I repeat not, refering to anyone specific in this thread. These are just thoughts that I have been pondering and wanted other people's viewpoints on them. So that being said, here's the question.

I hope I don't upset anyone by asking this but, I read and reread in different threads how those of you who have an accepting SO/spouse/GF feel so fortunate to have someone who is accepting, yet at the same time I read how those of you who don't, would give anything to have one who did [accept]. So, tell me then, if you can, WHY are there CDer's out there who DO have a totally accepting SO yet it just isn't enough:( ? They shop for you and with you, want to go out with you while you are en femme, do all the things that you want to do as a CDer and still it just isn't enough? How hard can it be to realize how lucky you are to have a totally accepting SO+? ? Is it really asking to much to expect you to ask how our day is going? How about show an interest in what we like to wear, or are wearing with out it being from the standpoint of ohhh, I wish I had something like that?:eek: Are there other things in life to talk about besides every aspect of CDing? Is this the only part of life that matters? Do I sound a wee bit frustrated? Well I would really like some answers from the CDer's if anyone can help me. Thanks.
:hugs: Country Girl gg


Wow. You just said everything that has been on my mind. It would be nice if I could actually buy something/look at something for myself without feeling guilty that he wants it. I hate that nothing is ever looked at online for me. It's all about him. Or still seeing him being sneaky when there is absolutely no reason to. If you are going into the bathroom to put on makeup, just say it, don't try to hide it. Or hide that you want to wear something today, etc etc etc. What bothers me the most is when an agreement is made and then broken. Grr.

[Country girl]

Wow. You just said everything that has been on my mind. It would be nice if I could actually buy something/look at something for myself without feeling guilty that he wants it. I hate that nothing is ever looked at online for me. It's all about him. Or still seeing him being sneaky when there is absolutely no reason to. If you are going into the bathroom to put on makeup, just say it, don't try to hide it. Or hide that you want to wear something today, etc etc etc. What bothers me the most is when an agreement is made and then broken. Grr.

Hey Glamourgirl, I know what you mean. I think, at some point in our lives, we have all felt like no one cared about "us". It is even harder to deal with when that person is your spouse/SO/BF/GF. Perhaps because we expect them to care about us as much if not more than they do themselves. I think one of the points of this thread was to get everyone to think about how it feels when you feel as if no one is thinking about you. As partners of someone who Cd's it is that much harder because as you said, we feel frustrated everytime something is ordered for them with no regards as to whether or not we might like or want something as well. Also as you pointed out anytime we buy a new pair of panties, or a new skirt or whatever item of femme clothing we purchase we have the hidden anxiety of wondering if they are going to want it.
This relationship is definately like being on a rollercoaster ride.

Hopefully after reading this thread, people will think about how their partners feel, and try to incorporate in the daily course of their lives, asking, helping, doing more to make them feel appreciated.
Thanks for your input into this thread. :love: CG gg

[MsEva]

well one answer is that we are not all one demensional people---If crossdressing was the only thing we were concerned about then we would be in 7th heaven if a spouse TRUELY accepted it, to the point where she not only would have sex with us while we were dressed but would actually enjoy it. However such a person is truely rare and even when one does come along there are many more things that make for compatilbilty and longivity in a relationship. While cding can be a dealbreaker(one way or the other) for many couples, every T-Girl on this web is more than just a crossdresser--we are functioning human beings who have jobs, hobbies(other than cding), families and all the other baggage that goes with leading a life--although it is important to have a spouse who likes our cding and we should try to cultivate that relationship, the truth of the matter is that there are many other issues in most of our relationhips besides dressing. We shouldn't forget to work on those. Unfortunatly many of us do and with 1/2 of all marraiges ending in divorce, it doesn't suprise me that many of ours do also, regardless of our spouse's acceptance or nonacceptance of our dressing.


Very very well stated Ms Janessa! So wise! I agree!:thumbsup:

[MsEva]

Lawren, your Kerry is a very smart woman. There are so many worse things than crossdressing that a man could do. If everyone of the CDer's who feel ashamed about what they do could understand that, and if everyone else who has problems with someone who CD's just because they CD could understand it, then it would be so much more readily acceptable.

I liken this to a true story that happened to me when my son was 15. [he is now 25], anyway he wanted to get his ears pierced and I was brought up in a very strict household where boys, or men if you will, did NOT get their ears pierced, and back then it certainly wasn't as accepted for both ears as it was to just do one. Well I called my sister, the voice of reason, and expected her to give my son a stern lecture on why he shouldn't get his ears pierced. I had already told him not while he lived in my house! Anyway, I was the one who got the lecture. In no uncertain terms, my sister pointed out to me what a wonderful man my son was growing into, he didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, get in trouble in or out of school, was very respectful of others, peers and adults alike and was a great help to me, a single mom. In very short order she stated, "Think about all the other things he could want to do or be doing!" needless to say, I learned a very valuable lesson that day, and my son got his ears pierced.

Sometimes in life we are far to hasty to judge others, or ourselves based on societies notion of what is and isn't acceptable. I'm glad that my eyes were opened that day by my sister and that I can see the true worth of a person by who he/she is on the inside, not by judging the outside.


Your sister was a very wise woman. Thanks for sharing.:happy:

[Glenda58]

I think most of us are self center on CDing that we lose sight of the person we fell in love with. We forget they have needs and wants to. We should be there for our SOs but we get caught up in being the woman we forget about the real woman in our lives that she loves us and will do anything for us. And do we give her in return we ask for more CDing not what we can do for her to make her happy as will. This is not true to all of us . That's one reason I haven't dressed lately I need to look at my new GF and what I want with her.

[mary sue]

Karen made a good statement in her last paragraph all of us need to read it and think of the ways we can be more of a partner to our wives and so's, my wife and I are best friends and are suppotive of each other.We LOVE each other and that is all that makes us happy and complete. :hugs:

[Billie Jean]

Because we are still men who see everything in black and white not in color like the ladies. We're not really insensitive, just not as in touch as are you ladies. Billie Jean

[Kelsy]

I hope I don't upset anyone by asking this but, How hard can it be to realize how lucky you are to have a totally accepting SO+? ? :hugs: Country Girl gg

The girl has a point!!!

Jennifer:love:

[Andrea_girl]

When my So gentle wakes me in the morning we snuggle up together in our satin nighties and I tell her every morning without fail that I love her.

I adore her, not just because she is accepting but because shes HER.

[Amy Hepker]

Look at it this way I feel Female SO, I want it all and U want it NOW!!! I have to admit I am one of the ones who is never satisified. I guess it's just the way I am. I don't want to miss out on anything and I want to do as much as I can. I figure I have already outlived my father (he was 49 when he died) and I am almost 51, so I want to get as much enjoyment I can as soon as I can. And I really enjoy dressing up in Female clothing. I don't do it for spite or to use against my SO, I do it because I enjoy it!!!

[Country girl]

Look at it this way I feel Female SO, I want it all and U want it NOW!!! I have to admit I am one of the ones who is never satisified. I guess it's just the way I am. I don't want to miss out on anything and I want to do as much as I can. I figure I have already outlived my father (he was 49 when he died) and I am almost 51, so I want to get as much enjoyment I can as soon as I can. And I really enjoy dressing up in Female clothing. I don't do it for spite or to use against my SO, I do it because I enjoy it!!!


Amy, nothing wrong with dressing, the point is not whether you dress, but whether you let it be all consuming. Do you still let your SO know how important she is to you on a daily basis? Do you ask about her day? Do you tell her you love her? The point is to not be self centered and have it be all about me, me, me.

[Country girl]

The girl has a point!!!

Jennifer:love:

Thank you Honey!:D

:love: CG gg

[Tee]

I totally agree with Jayne. underneath is still a man. we have listening problems. change the topic to sports or others, the behaviour could hardly be different. to manage that would be to talk to your SO and highlight that there are many moments when all you need is a listening ear.

my SO found me much more responsive and lovely after i read Man are from Mars and women from Venus by John Gray, and practised the ideas in there.

is CD an issue though? i think so too, because we can get insecure and just want to be involved all the time.

[Country girl]

I totally agree with Jayne. underneath is still a man. we have listening problems. change the topic to sports or others, the behaviour could hardly be different. to manage that would be to talk to your SO and highlight that there are many moments when all you need is a listening ear.

my SO found me much more responsive and lovely after i read Man are from Mars and women from Venus by John Gray, and practised the ideas in there.

is CD an issue though? i think so too, because we can get insecure and just want to be involved all the time.

Tee, please don't take this the wrong way, but to say underneath it all is still just a man is a little oversimplifying things don't you think? Most CDer's from my experience are way more sensitive than the average joe. I mean it would be like your, or anyone's SO for that matter, to never ask how you feel, how's your day going, tell you she loves you, or any other form of interaction because she was just to busy :eek: planning what to wear for the day, what color panties and matching bra, just the right blouse, the perfect skirt with the perfect heels. A liitle bit self absorbing and a wee bit over the top don't you think :tongueout ? Just how hard is it to take 10 and ask how their day was, or let them know you've been thinking about them and love:love: and care for them. I truly believe that for the most part, we really don't expect that much, but a little common courtesy is NOT to much to ask. How much time do we take in an average day to spend on mundane crap? I'm sure it's a lot more than just 10, 20, 30 minutes or even an hour. There are 24 hours in a day, how hard can it be to find just one of those hours to sit down with your SO and genuinely have a meaningful conversation. ONCE AGAIN, let me iterate this is not meant for anyone in particular. It was simply a question that was posed to get people to think about there daily interactions with the people who are most important to you. Thanks for your viewpoint. I believe it helps tp open some doors that had previously been closed.:hugs: CG gg

[Melanie R]

Unfortunately many crossdressers with supportive wives are like kids in a candy store. They are insatiable and have to have more. They push the boundaries beyond the wives endurance. I know since I have been there and done that but finally came to my senses. Sometimes when my wife asks if I want to be Melanie for an extended time period 24/7 I tell her that she has needs also. In 2 weeks we are going on a 7 day cruise. My wife expected that I would be Melanie on the cruise 24/7 since I have dressed 24/7 on many prior cruises and can dress when I desire at home anytime. I told her that this cruise was just for her with Melanie remaining at home. She enjoys slow dancing with Mel as I do also. This is no big sacrifice for the woman who has given so much to me and so many others.

[EmmaB GG]

One thing that I've seen from my own parents and my friends marriages is that to make any relationship work there has to be compromise by both parties.

So when one partner has a strong compulsion to do anything that is excluding the SO to a great degree (and this could be watching football, out drinking with mates etc i.e. not necessarily CDing), are they able (not just willing, that's different) to compromise as much as the other person?

Surely in this situation that person gets more from their SO than they give? Just a thought ....

I think that we need to realise a GG can never really "participate" in the compulsion to CD as much as she might be able to in another (e.g. golf) as her head will never experience anything near the reality of it.

[Country girl]

One thing that I've seen from my own parents and my friends marriages is that to make any relationship work there has to be compromise by both parties.

So when one partner has a strong compulsion to do anything that is excluding the SO to a great degree (and this could be watching football, out drinking with mates etc i.e. not necessarily CDing), are they able (not just willing, that's different) to compromise as much as the other person?

Surely in this situation that person gets more from their SO than they give? Just a thought ....

I think that we need to realise a GG can never really "participate" in the compulsion to CD as much as she might be able to in another (e.g. golf) as her head will never experience anything near the reality of it.



Excellent thought. and exactly one of the things I have been trying to get across. GG's for the most part, cannot participate to the level that a CDer does, simply because most of us aren't CDer's. So there has to be time in the day to share other things and or just have an hour of meaningful conversation that isn't about the CDing. Thanks for your input Emma gg. It would be nice to see how some of the other GG's on the site feel about this whole issue!
:love: CG gg

[Wendy me]

Country Girl OK i am a little late on this but here's my input .. my wife and I have been married for 25+ years ... she is the love of my life .. she knows abought my dressing and is not supportive ... every step forward seams to be met with one back ... it's frustrating for me .... every time i think we are ready to step it up something happens to put a stop to it...

i would just love to have her acpteing... i could just say this is the way it is and just dress in frought of her and tell deal with it . i don't and i would not ever do that ... why ?? because it's not abought me and it's not abought just us ... it's abought respect ,understanding and love ... she did not know before we got marred and had a family ... would she have had she known?? who knows for sure ... her comfort and her feeling will always be for most in our marriage .... in time possibly we might get a better understanding of this other side of me ...

[Country girl]

Country Girl OK i am a little late on this but here's my input .. my wife and I have been married for 25+ years ... she is the love of my life .. she knows abought my dressing and is not supportive ... every step forward seams to be met with one back ... it's frustrating for me .... every time i think we are ready to step it up something happens to put a stop to it...

i would just love to have her acpteing... i could just say this is the way it is and just dress in frought of her and tell deal with it . i don't and i would not ever do that ... why ?? because it's not abought me and it's not abought just us ... it's abought respect ,understanding and love ... she did not know before we got marred and had a family ... would she have had she known?? who knows for sure ... her comfort and her feeling will always be for most in our marriage .... in time possibly we might get a better understanding of this other side of me ...



Wendy, First, I am truly sorry your wife is not accepting. If I get what you were saying correctly, you both seem to be very loving and supportive of each other in the other areas of your marriage. Now if I am correct in this, then you are already at a place I was talking about. Having a relationship is exactly what you said. It is about , love and respect, trust and understanding, compromise. Like you said, perhaps one day she will be able to understand that this is just another interesting side of the man she loves and is spending her life with. Good luck! :hugs: CG gg

[Tina B.]

CG gg This has been a very thoughtful topic, have nothing new to add, but I do know when i came out to my SO and found that she excepted me for who I really am, I did go overboard, shopping, dressing, and endless talking about me,me,me,me.
It caused a lot of tension after awhile, but after much talking I setlled down to a much calmer pace, and after years, of trail and error, have found a pretty good balance.
I probally don't tell her often enough, just how much she means to me, words come hard for me, but i do show it.
when we are out shopping, I always hold hands with her, like school kids, ask her for her opinon, and then listen. I am an early riser, so i fix her breakfast before she goes to work, meet her at the door when she gets home, with a kind word and a welcome home I am glad to see you, and a kiss.
For all of this I get a woman that has my best interst at heart, let's me be me, and buys me fun presents from time to time, (Jewery and clothes) and encorages me to dress as often as I want, even at times to show surprize and disappointment when she thought I would be dressed and am not. But I don't think that is a male or female traits neccesary. I ahve known women that just wanted to sit up on the couch and eat Bon Bons, have have a guy fawn over them with out giving anymore than that had too.
I think it is just the kind of person, you are!:2c:

[Country girl]

CC gg This has been a very thoughtful topic, have nothing new to add, but I do know when i came out to my SO and found that she excepted me for who I really am, I did go overboard, shopping, dressing, and endless talking about me,me,me,me.
It caused a lot of tension after awhile, but after much talking I setlled down to a much calmer pace, and after years, of trail and error, have found a pretty good balance.
I probally don't tell her often enough, just how much she means to me, words come hard for me, but i do show it.
when we are out shopping, I always hold hands with her, like school kids, ask her for her opinon, and then listen. I am an early riser, so i fix her breakfast before she goes to work, meet her at the door when she gets home, with a kind word and a welcome home I am glad to see you, and a kiss.
For all of this I get a woman that has my best interst at heart, let's me be me, and buys me fun presents from time to time, (Jewery and clothes) and encorages me to dress as often as I want, even at times to show surprize and disappointment when she thought I would be dressed and am not. But I don't think that is a male or female traits neccesary. I ahve known women that just wanted to sit up on the couch and eat Bon Bons, have have a guy fawn over them with out giving anymore than that had too.
I think it is just the kind of person, you are!:2c:

Tina, thanks for your honest and thought provoking answer. I agree to some extint your last sentence. The thing is, that a lot of CDer's are very attentive before the So finds out about that aspect. It just seems that after the SO knows, and if she is the least bit accepting, the whole thing gets out of control fast. Suddenly it is all about them and their desire to dress. We end up feeling as if we are invisible. You are right though, anyone can be self absorbed whether it be male or female.
:hugs: CG gg