workout tonight

[bi_weird]

Interesting evening. Went to work out with a guy friend, I'm bound and determined to get (somewhat) buff by spring break. On the way down we walk about, well, guy stuff. I'm going out for drinks with this really great (hot) girl next weekend, and we were joking about that, and the usual sort of guyish banter that's all about sex. It was pretty cool, 'cause I'm glad he's willing to talk about that stuff with me.
Then when I was by one of the mirrors in front of the free-weights, I looked next to me and saw this guy. He's the sort of guy I've always been really attracted to, and never really understood why. The sort that works out enough to be strong, without looking ripped. Not an ounce of fat on him, sorta angular, there's just this sorta look that some guys have. I looked at him, and suddenly felt so strongly that I wanted to be him.
See, while I've wanted to be less female, I've always loved my body. It's an easy one to love, honestly. I have pretty good genes in the shape and size department, and I don't mind the 'flaws' like having a small chest. So while I've looked into this gender thing, I've always seen myself in my own body, just trying to make that body look less feminine. Suddenly tonight, though, I didn't want to. I wanted the body I saw next to me, that was so completely self-assuredly male, and I knew I'd never have that.
I know this sort of thinking is normal for most of you, but it's really odd for me. Not really sure how to deal with it.

[Kimberley]

Bi, I know exactly what you mean and how you feel. I have been there so often it drives me crazy sometimes. I could just be walking on the street and see someone and then wish. Of course reality sets in, I get depressed then go get drunk.... Just kidding. Contrary to popular opinion I rarely drink.

Anyway, it really is funny how it happens sometimes.

And your friend? Sounds very cool. He's one to keep around.

[Dasein9]

{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}

Yeh, it's familiar. You pretty much know what a lot of us do about it, but I understand if you don't want to take the same steps. It might help to wait and see if these feelings persist or if it was just a passing fancy. Every now and then, I'll start to lust for something I can't have. Sometimes it goes away, and other times the desire remains.

[CaptLex]

Wow, that sounds like a real eye-opening experience . . . kind of surreal too. Yeah, I've looked at guys and been really jealous of what they have and I don't, and even sad that no matter what I do to mine, it'll never come naturally like his did.

But you say it's something new for you. Nothing wrong with that, and just as this happened it could also happen that it can turn out to be a temporary thing and tomorrow, or next week or next year you could go back to being perfectly happy with your own body (with or without modifications).

I hope you don't think I'm trivilizing your experience. On the contrary, I think eye-opening stuff like this is great. It makes us think, question, etc. and that can lead to bigger realizations. So maybe it'll make you look deeper . . . or maybe not. Congrats either way.

[Casey Morgan]

I get that but going the other way. For example, Teri Hatcher on the April 2006 cover of Glamour. I'd had that feeling of "yeah, it would be nice to look like that" before. But suddenly "it would be nice" became "I want".

Now, if I was starting from Day 1 it would be great to have a body like hers. But that ship has sailed, burned, sank, was plundered, and became an artifical reef. So I have to live with the fact that I'm never going to look like her.

When I get that feeling that I want to look like that, first I remind myself that it simply isn't possible but it's a great... I don't know, fantasy, dream, wish, whatever. And then I remind myself that I can look different if I choose. Somehow, knowing that I have a choice makes it easier. (It also reminds me that I'm TG, both in that I'm not TS because I probably wouldn't be like I can do it or not, and that I'm not a CD because having the desire rather than a daydream. That seems to help too, knowing that it's (or can be) part of being TG.)

[Lex]

I know how you feel with both these things. Like, I don't hate my body, and I do. My body looks awesome to me, especially now I have a small chest. But then I'll see a guy with a good (to me) body and I'll want that so bad. I'm not sure how to deal with it other than shrug and go, "Eh, that's life."

[pocoyo]

Interesting evening. Went to work out with a guy friend, I'm bound and determined to get (somewhat) buff by spring break. On the way down we walk about, well, guy stuff. I'm going out for drinks with this really great (hot) girl next weekend, and we were joking about that, and the usual sort of guyish banter that's all about sex. It was pretty cool, 'cause I'm glad he's willing to talk about that stuff with me.
Then when I was by one of the mirrors in front of the free-weights, I looked next to me and saw this guy. He's the sort of guy I've always been really attracted to, and never really understood why. The sort that works out enough to be strong, without looking ripped. Not an ounce of fat on him, sorta angular, there's just this sorta look that some guys have. I looked at him, and suddenly felt so strongly that I wanted to be him.
See, while I've wanted to be less female, I've always loved my body. It's an easy one to love, honestly. I have pretty good genes in the shape and size department, and I don't mind the 'flaws' like having a small chest. So while I've looked into this gender thing, I've always seen myself in my own body, just trying to make that body look less feminine. Suddenly tonight, though, I didn't want to. I wanted the body I saw next to me, that was so completely self-assuredly male, and I knew I'd never have that.
I know this sort of thinking is normal for most of you, but it's really odd for me. Not really sure how to deal with it.

Awww Bi, that must have been so confusing for you.:hugs:
I do know how that feels to see a man/boy and want to be like them so badly... even if you make a good female.
Perhaps the reason you've always been "attracted" to that type of male has been because that's the kind of male you want to be?
Sometimes I get confused whether I am actually attracted to someone, or if I am wanting to be like them.. or sometimes both! (Is that weird? Isn't that like finding yourself attractive? lol! :heehee: )

Sometimes when I see a cool guy that I think I'd like to look like... I get so sad.... but then I think to myself... whelp... even though it's hard to see this cool dude who looks like a male me/that I'd love to look like.... I know that if I DO choose to go on T etc, that I could look like them/my version of/have a cool male body and handsome male features. So it's not worth getting too down about because I'm NOT actually stuck being female, if I don't want to be.

That's sort of how I deal with it anyway. :happy:

[bi_weird]

(Is that weird? Isn't that like finding yourself attractive? lol! )
Haha yeah I've wondered about that.
Thing is right now, and this'll sound sorta odd, but I don't want to get myself into feeling something I don't actually feel just to fit in. Like, you guys on here are all GUYS, and I'm, well, sorta. I don't want to end up convincing myself I really want to be a guy all the time just so that I'll be more like my gender-crazy friends. I know that's silly, but it's where I am right now. So for the moment I'm trying to just put aside the thoughts from that night and let myself be who I am right now. I figure if that really is what I need, it'll come back, and I'll be able to tell what's my motivation.

[Abraxas]

Good thinking, bi.
There's nothing wrong with a little ambiguity, or a lot of ambiguity. If you feel like you're a girl, or a guy, or neither, or both, that's totally cool. It's just frustrating that it can often take so long to figure out exactly what you want and need. Take your time, it'll come. In the mean time, we're here for you as a sounding board. :happy:

[pocoyo]

Haha yeah I've wondered about that.
Thing is right now, and this'll sound sorta odd, but I don't want to get myself into feeling something I don't actually feel just to fit in. Like, you guys on here are all GUYS, and I'm, well, sorta. I don't want to end up convincing myself I really want to be a guy all the time just so that I'll be more like my gender-crazy friends. I know that's silly, but it's where I am right now. So for the moment I'm trying to just put aside the thoughts from that night and let myself be who I am right now. I figure if that really is what I need, it'll come back, and I'll be able to tell what's my motivation.

Hi Bi.
I know how you feel... sometimes I wonder if I'm feeling like, extra gender-problemy because I have been hanging with these other gendery guys and I'm impressionable or something. (I'm bloody glad I did find them though, please don't take that the wrong way anyone!!)
But then.. having gender confusion is the reason I sought them in the 1st place.
Hmm it's so difficult.
There's also the element of hormones confusing things... and loyalties... and even denial perhaps (in either direction). It's not a simple one!

I hope we find some answers soon (or stop worrying about it!) :hugs:

btw.. re: finding yourself attractive.... haha I think I do find myself attractive as a boy... :p....Joke....
....(I think :straightface:).