What would you do?

[nibel]

I understand that many of the people that frequent this forum are in the 40's and 50's, so I would like to use this thread to build an hypothetical scenario, and get some advice out of it.

But before I stablish the scenario, I would like to say that please, do not restrain yourself... because I've made this kind of post before and got many answers like "It's your life, you decide."... if you were to post that please don't post. I don't mean that I'll follow every advice posted here, but I want to see what a more experienced person would see as an option in the path I have to follow. So I would ask you to take a first person view while replying if possible.

Well, the scenario is: you are in mid-20's, a college student, jobless. You live with your family because you can't afford rental and the college is just too expensive so you need their support. You don't have a girlfriend, but used to date a few (you are heterosexual). You have a few loyal friends (around 5... maybe 10 if you include the not-so-loyal ones), but none that you can thrust telling about the GID.

Your parents are also homofobics (maybe the correct term here would be transgenderfobic?) at some degree, but it is possible to discuss some subjects with them as long there is scientific embasement to the conversation - but never in first person!

You are a closeted crossdresser. Have some kind of control of the urge, but if you stay away from CDing for too long (6 months to 1 year) you can get really disturbed, at the point of having dreams about it. So you have been living as some kind of "slave" of the crossdressing urge from time to time, cycling through phases of buying and purging. And going open, to avoid all the hiding, could be very harmful to your life losing your respect from your family and also losing your place in the college, the only chance of a decent career you ever had.

Of course, this is not the full scenario...I was thinking about some secret experiences with hormones, for two reasons: one is to relieve my female side... somehow clothes aren't working as it were before... putting an "empty" bra is getting me depressed, as something were wrong (it's not just about putting some pads), and the other is to see if that's what I really want and how it work out. Maybe I start some hormones and when I see my breasts I will say "Ah... it was only that?" - though I doubt it... lol :P

And old girlfriend used to say "If I never try, I will never know"... and I'm tempted to follow her advice. Also, I've seen many people here saying that if they could go back in time they would do different... I may be not so young as some newbies out there (16-17yo), but I think if I choose the right path now I can still live the best of my life.

Please help me with some advice!

Nibel

[Marla S]

My advice: Before drawing an conclusion about your urges, need, relief or whatever, especially before taking hormones or considering SRS.
LEAVE THE CLOSET.
You can't come to a founded descision before you did't get some freedom to live it. So my first advice would be: Go for a OWN FLAT, put all your energy in there, live as free as possible for half a year or a year. Then you will see more clearly what to do next and which way to go.
You can't do that theoretically. You have to live it and to interact with poeple. Kind of a regular life (as regaular as it can be.)

Since I got kind of that freedom a lot of my views, needs, urges etc. have turned upside down. Everything a bit more relaxed and realistic. Most any descision or action I'd have made before that would have been a wrong one, but at least due to a wrong motivation.

[Helen MC]

Get your own appartment if you possibly can.

[JenniferMint]

Are there any TG-knowledgeable therapists in your area that you can see (especially if your college provides them for free)? You might try talking out your issues with them.

If you did take hormones, your parents don't necessarily have to know about it---if they don't find your hormones and you're not taking large doses that cause significant feminization they could be totally in the dark.

[nibel]

As I said before, it is not possible in any way to get out of home right now. My college is full time, that doesn't leave time to work. I can do some inside jobs at the college, but that is not enough pay a rent. Also, how do I justify to my parents leaving home, to live in the same city and pay rent, if I can stay home and save money? That's totally ilogic, and they are very logical persons...

And, well, I don't want to leave the closet because... (I may be flamed because of this) I still hope for somekind of "cure". I don't know, maybe if I manage to find a girlfriend that's really good to me I can try to forget all about this... Or if I do the experience and it doesn't work as I want it could mean that this is just a phase and I can overpass it without having to affect all the foundations of my living.

Because once I tell them about it, it will be irreversible... and I can't pretict what happen next. I don't know yet if I'm a transexual or just a crossdresser, or even maybe neither... So if I'm not sure, I'm not ready to take a step of mining my relations with society... and yet, I need to go further to find the real answer... can you see my dilemma?

[Andrea Nicole]

Nibel,
You really have answered your own question by constantly stating, ... "I can't ... I don't ... If ..." Everything was a negative scenario you have presented, start to think positive.
Asking people not to respond with "It's your life ... you decide", etc ....
It is YOUR life ... you must decide. The sooner you realize that, the better off you will be.
Life is all about choices. Learn how to make decisions.
Take Care,
Andi ....

[nibel]

I'm not asking anyone to take my decisions... I'm just asking for someone to try seeing from my pov (point of view) and telling me what they would do. If you can't see the difference then you really can't help me...

Lets say, If I were to build a house, I would ask for someone who has build a house before for some directions before trying to build a house for myself, otherwise the house would most likely go wrong and fall... don't you agree with that? This is true for all things in life, why TG issues should be different?

Many of you are just afraid of the responsability of guiding another people... you don't need to worry about that with me... I just want to see as many pov as possible. It's MY responsability if I choose any path, comming from an advice or not... that's the human condition (in the words of Jean Paul Sartre).

In the above example of the house... would you be happy if the advice you received was "it's your house, you decide?"

And to the other girls... besides not beeing possible right now, getting my own apartment is really a good advice. Unfortunatelly won't work for me right now.

[Marla S]

And, well, I don't want to leave the closet because... (I may be flamed because of this) I still hope for somekind of "cure". I don't know, maybe if I manage to find a girlfriend that's really good to me I can try to forget all about this... Or if I do the experience and it doesn't work as I want it could mean that this is just a phase and I can overpass it without having to affect all the foundations of my living.
Honestly, I think you better just can forget about that. Better to start now than later.
Thinking that there is a cure, a marriage will make you forget it, a phase that can be suppressed or compensated are probably main reasons why

... the people that frequent this forum are in the 40's and 50's
Been there, done that. Welcome back.
I bet my panty, if you seriously try that we see us in 20 years again.
Accept that it is a part of you and come at least out to a TG-knowledgeable therapist.
Alone you might be able to suppress it for 1 year, maybe 5 years, maybe 10 years, but that's it.
If there is anything you can do, it is to face it. The more open and the more honest (towards yourself) you deal with it, the easier it gets to handle it.
I wished I would have done it in my 20's. Would have saved a lot of struggle.

Consider if you try to be open now, you can build a free life on that. You might/will have to face trouble, but this trouble will go away and doesn't last 20 years.
What is the situation if you have to realize in 10 or 20 years the "urge" didn't go away despite everything you tried ? Now you have to face even more hurdles (wife, children, career, still parents, and friends). But now you feel the need to come out. Is this any better ?

[nibel]

Been there, done that. Welcome back.
I bet my panty, if you seriously try that we see us in 20 years again.
Accept that it is a part of you and come at least out to an TG-knowledgeable therapists.
Alone you might be able to supress it for 1 year, maybe 5 years, maybe 10 years, but that's it.
If there is anything you can do, it is to face it. The more open and the more honest (towards yourself) you deal with it, the easier it gets to handle it.
I wished I would have done it in my 20's. Would have spared a lot of struggle.

That's exactly that kind of feedback I need now... please tell me, what would you do in this case? If I am really walking the path of regret I must know... even if I am taking this path for "fear of the society", I must think of an alternate way and maybe take a turn somewhere... That's why the participation of everybody is important in this thread! Thanks for replying!

[Andrea Nicole]

Nigel..
Very poor analogy .... that's just a begineer's rationalization attempt. I'm a RPE Engineer, and I wouldn't even consider building my own house ... I'm an engineer not a house builder.
Ok, advice ... see a mental health profession as soon as possible.
Don't take a poll on .. "what should I do" ...
These a monumental decisions you might have to make, and should not be done by the numbers. It is quite apparent you do need assistance well past what a canvas if comments will produce.
And yes, I do worry about giving this type advice to someone who I have no idea of what their mental state or stability factor might be.
Take Care,
Andi ....

[Synchronicity]

All I see are the excuses you make for not living the life you want to. If it means that much to you, you'll find a way. Move out of your parent's house , get roommates and be honest about your lifestyle. You'll never know who accepts you and who doesn't until you give them the chance.

[JenniferMint]

BTW what year of college are you in?

[nibel]

Nigel..
Very poor analogy .... that's just a begineer's rationalization attempt. I'm a RPE Engineer, and I wouldn't even consider building my own house ... I'm an engineer not a house builder.
Ok, advice ... see a mental health profession as soon as possible.
Don't take a poll on .. "what should I do" ...
These a monumental decisions you might have to make, and should not be done by the numbers. It is quite apparent you do need assistance well past what a canvas if comments will produce.
And yes, I do worry about giving this type advice to someone who I have no idea of what their mental state or stability factor might be.
Take Care,
Andi ....

You just don't get it, do you? It's not a pool, it's not about numbers either... if you don't like my analogy it's ok, no problem, it works for me! (...) you just don't need to post if you don't want to help, or are afraid to cause whatever damage you may think you can do. Just let people like Marla post because these might be very helpful.

[nibel]

BTW what year of college are you in?

3rd year medical school. Next year i'll decide which area I will work... been thinking about endocrynology, like i said on other post. of course, i've been thinking of using that to my own benefit too... :P

[Andrea Nicole]

Sync...
HiYa ..... that is good advice for this young person ...
Hope things are fine with you...
Huggs,
Andi ....

[nibel]

Consider if you try to be open now, you can build a free life on that. You might/will have to face trouble, but this trouble will go away and doesn't last 20 years.
What is the situation if you have to realize in 10 or 20 years the "urge" didn't go away despite everything you tried ? Now you have to face even more hurdles (wife, children, career, still parents, and friends). But now you feel the need to come out. Is this any better ?

Where I live there is basically no life for a TG... i hope to get my grade before taking any irreversible decision, because if I decide to go open first, my life will turn into hell and i will never be able to get my diplom. If i have it already i may yet have a chance.

Also, as the only son, I have an obligation to give my parents grandchildren, they don't want the family to "die"... imagine their reaction when they are told about my disforia?

I would have to leave my friends too... no way they would understand something like that, specially comming from me... almost a role model to the rest of the group... My city is kind of small, and I'm well know in college enviroment. It's hard to me wander downtown and not seeing someone I know... maybe I should have to move to another place? That at least would justify another rental... perhaps when I go to take my masters degree... I hope I can handle till the time comes...

[Marla S]

Where I live there is basically no life for a TG... i hope to get my grade before taking any irreversible decision, because if I decide to go open first, my life will turn into hell and i will never be able to get my diplom. If i have it already i may yet have a chance.

Also, as the only son, I have an obligation to give my parents grandchildren, they don't want the family to "die"... imagine their reaction when they are told about my disforia?

I would have to leave my friends too... no way they would understand something like that, specially comming from me... almost a role model to the rest of the group... My city is kind of small, and I'm well know in college enviroment. It's hard to me wander downtown and not seeing someone I know... maybe I should have to move to another place? That at least would justify another rental... perhaps when I go to take my masters degree... I hope I can handle till the time comes...
I have to delay the answer to your previous reply until tomorrow, but will try to answer this.
You don't have to jump out of the closet right now. It is better anyway to gain some knowladge, self-acceptance and self-esteem first.
This forum is the best place to do this. Give yourself a bit time here. We are all not done and still learning.
So, it is certaily possible to stay in the closet until your diplom. What counts here is the perspective. If you prepare yourself for a life with TG you are certainly better off than by trying to deny it. You might even develope a pleasant anticipation for the life after the diplom (additional motvation to get the grades ?). Seize the days to learn about yourself. Probably you will find some answers what to do or not yourself meanwhile. Don't waste your time by trying to ignore or deny it.

@grandchildren. I know what you are talking about.
First off, being TG doesn't mean to be homosexual.
There are girls out there that accept like or even love TGs. So it is not impossible to have children. After your diplom you can move. There are more aceppting areas and less accepting (your choice ? ;))
It's the best and most honest IMO that your wife to-be knows before marriage. So you should be self-assure enough then to tell at least her. Everything else is not fair for the both of you.
Basline, don't worry about children. Don't worry about children now.
Again learn about yourself, accept yourself and you will know better about yourself and will find your own ways to manage it.

@friends
It is the same here. It don't has to be now, but it has to be some day.
Some friends will be shocked, some wil go, new will come, others get closer.
Again there is nothing that isn't managable.
Here again, once you learned about yourself you'll be able to explain it to your friends better. The better you are able to the more likely it is that they will understand.

Last but not least, there are many different ways to come out, and there certainly is a best one for you. To early to tell now though.

Prepare yourself and a lot will become less scary.
It's not all negative or scary about CDing, there is a lot of wonderfull, and deep going experiences to earn, experiences "forbidden" for others.:happy:

[CaptLex]

I'm sorry I don't have any definitive advice, other than to say that while it's best to start a transition when one is younger (for health reasons, mostly), that same youth usually means that one has not yet experienced things in life which may change if one does or doesn't transition. Okay, that didn't come out right.

What I mean is, some people transition when they're older because by then they've been able to establish their careers or had any children they may want, but some people wait until they're older, for various reasons, and then they may end up facing obstacles that won't allow them to transition, based on their health or even those same families and careers.

And, although the answer is different for everyone, there are a few things in your posts that raised red flags for me:

1. If you really think finding the right woman and getting married will change your mind, I hope you will hear from the many, many people who once thought that way and not only realized that it doesn't work that way, but regret having caused these same spouses pain.

2. I don't understand why you are obligated (your word) to give your parents grandchildren. I strongly believe that no one should have children for someone else, and the world is full of people who have done so and came to regret that also.

Just my :2c:

[Stephenie S]

Nibel, dear, take a chill pill. You ask for advice and then get upset when you get it. Most of what I heard was pretty good advice too.

But here's mine.

This situation is NOT going to go away. You can deal with it now, when you are young and relatively unfettered, or you can deal with it when you are older and have FAR, FAR, more impediments to your freedom. For those of us who are here and have been through this, the choice is clear. Do it NOW. Believe me (or take anyone elses word here), you are going to have to deal with this sooner or later. Love, marriage, counseling, psychiatry, none of this "cures" you. There is no cure.

College is by far the best time and place to transition. There are strong anti-discimination rules in effect. There is almost always good counseling and therapy available through the campus health services. You are around better educated and broad minded people. You are at a time in your life when a bit of outlandish behavior is almost expected. You will never be in a better environment to do this than you are now.

The younger you are when you actually begin, the physically easier your transition will be. There is no question about this.

You say your life will be a living hell if you transition? You won't be able to continue your education? Perhaps you really don't want to transition at all. Women do exist in this world, you know, and their lives are not always a "living hell". And are you under the impression that there are no women doctors? Why are you thinking so negatively?

Gender therapy is probably the place you need to start. This will give you some perspective on what you think you want and what steps you will have to take to get there. A visit to the college health department would be a good first move.

I know some of this may sound harsh, but it would be nice if you can avoid some of the mistakes that most of us here have made. There is some collective experience to be mined here. Take advantage of it.

Steph

[ToyGirl]

Hello Nibel ,

Expect to lose your friends and family , be happy if you dont.
Do see a therapist.
Do listen to your ex girlfriend.
People don't care as much as you might think.
I would have told you theres no way i can transition where i live , but i have and it just was a totally different experience than i could have forseen.
You either like hormones or you don't.
Do listen to captian lex.
Don't have kids for someone else it's not fair on them.
A nice girl is not a substitute for a nice life.

Crossdressing did not cut it for me anymore at your age. I Started transition in my mid 20's under fairly similar circumstances.

[Priss]

If you're that stuck with what you can and cannot do, I'd start first with a therapist. It's a good starting place for all of this, and will give you someone to talk to and help work through the issues with. And of course it keeps you in the closet till you're ready to bring it out.

[Jessicafem]

I didn't have any understanding of what this was and when I was in my younger teens early 20's didn't give it much recognition. I thought when I had a my first girlfreind that I ended up marrying that it would go away and it did for awhile. but it came back and ended up being one of the main reasons for my divorce.(fortinatly no kids) Then thinking I could still kick it (becouse I was extremely shy of woman thought might be a reason for It) I thought overcoming that might give me control so I went on a rampage sleeping around. The excitement of always being with someone new seemed to erase it but after a couple of years the urge still came back. There's a saying that you can make or break a habit in 21 days and that didn't work in this scenario so there must be something deeper going on. So I agree with everyone here I think in most cases its here to stay. (I"m still in the closet) I'm in my 40's and had a great life as a man. Success, Travel, Recognition. I'm not sure I could of done that as a woman, And had I had a forum like this availlable I might of made some different descisions so it is difficult to recommend.

[Kimberley]

Well, I always knew that my gender and sex were opposed. I grew up in the 50's and 60's so there was no tolerance. So I buried it like so many others here. I remember seeing Christine Jorgensen and thinking she was so lucky to have the opportunity that I knew I would never have. It caused a lot of distress particularly listening to my parents run her into the ground.

So, I knew but there was no option for me. I buried Kimberley, very deep, did the macho career and marriage thing then in my mid 30's went through absolute hell with the awakening. The dysphoria remains today and has been a factor in a suicide attempt.

So. DO YOU KNOW?
If you do, then start planning and fast. Get into the appropriate therapy. A lot of colleges offer it for free to students. YOUR life is a terrible thing to waste.

:love:
Kimberley

[nibel]

Thank you all for your replies till now.. let me comment a few because commenting all would be impossible

@Marla S: You are really right about the motivation and planning, I think that's a way that can make me feel better, if I build a roadmap to the future I guess I will be able to handle everything better. But yet, I feel hard to find a woman that would fall in love for a TG, specially if I become adept to some kind of hormones... But I guess it's a price I should pay... need more thinking on that one.

@CaptLex: You made me realize something very important, thank you! That's the need of actually having children. Martina had some participation on that too... Maybe the world is already full of people, and I should not put more people in this world to suffer... I feel kinda betraying my natural instincts, but maybe that is the best course of action... should I hear logic or nature? That's another thing to think about...

@Stephanie: Sorry about being pissed off, but that was on Andrea's comments - the policy of "no comments" actually. I like everybody else participation. Maybe I am really trying to deceive myself thinking that I may find a solution where many haven't... it's just that following the TG is a path I can not predict and that scares me a lot. I can see a very normal life if I follow the normal path, but yet... the more days passes more incomplete that life seens... no turbulence, but no essence either. I am beginning to think about fate... but I shall not talk about it now, maybe in another opportunity.

@ToyGirl: "People don't care as much as you might think." - I shall keep that phrase for life too, you are totally right. I always forgot about this... I need to pay more attention to what life have to say.

@Priss: Right now I'm thinking about it, but I'm trying to leave therapy as the last case possible, since I'm in medical area too. It's not rare to see medics talking about each other cases in the corridors of hospitals. If a undergraduate like me goes to the therapist office, I find hard to the therapist keep the "big news" out of the circle. Their ethic is kinda faulty nowadays - at least the ones that I know.

@Martina: I never thought before your post what would happen if I decided to have kids AND to get out of the closet. That really could be a hard time to a kid... I imagine in school, we used to harass kids for much less... Maybe the right choice is really don't have any, for their best. And, if I will be able to have a nice career after that, it's a big interrogation point to me too...

[Chrissycd]

The best thing I can say is this: Learn to accept yourself, babygirl.
Priss, ToyGirl and Stephanie S give great advice. It sounds like you know your situation, but you aren't ready to accept it (thus the excuses). Take it from a girl who lived in denial for almost 40 years -- if you want a living hell, don't make any decisions at all and keep on living confused and unhappy. Believe me, it'll suck more than you can ever imagine.
If you want inner peace and self love, start taking steps to love your true self. On campus therapy is confidential and part of your fees you already paid for attending, so take advantage of it and seek it out.
Good luck,
Chrissy

[Wendi {LI NY}]

all the posts were great and so true , Be true to your self ,YOu are very young and very educated. I know one thing ,it is so easier to transition now then let testro ruin your body .:2c:
When I was younger ,I didnt know I could transition?? There was no internet or knowledge of transpeople . I did the macho things and got married ,children ,started a business and did the white picket fence thINGS! I hate my life .I was depress and miserable and not a happy person.:(
Since I started my transition <I been very happy with my life and I see things alot better now ..
in closing HON , be true to your self ,you will be a happy stable person for it . hugs ,Wendi D:love:







=

[Stephanie-L]

What area do you live? If you are attending university in the US, and I think Canada, most have therapists available to help you with your problems. They (in the US) ARE NOT ALLOWED BY LAW to discuss your case with anyone without your permission. A mental health worker can not even confirm or deny that you are a patient of theirs. Also, having spent 20 years in various medical professions, I find medical folks are much more accepting of TG issues than the average person. The only reason I haven't come out at work is because I can't come out at home, though I keep hoping that will change. So my advice to you is to seek out counselling, NOW. You are going to need this help to decide what you want to do, and the sooner the better. I understand if your parents may have some problem with you seeing a therapist (from your description they don't sound like folks who would understand), but you need to do it. You want advice, thats mine...Stephanie

[great gg]

It sounds to me that perhaps you belong to an ethnic group that places an enourmous amount of pressure on you to conform. and no, i have no idea which one that might be, but you are bearing the burdehn of being the
"doctor", the only son, the head of the family, the last hope, etc etc. so your choice. them or your soul? if you worry so much about college therapists, you mjight take out a loan and see a sexologist, a tgender specialist and add it to the loans you will pay back. aftr all, isn't the ethic first: do no harm and second, physician, heal thyself? If you cannot accept yourself and do what needs to be done to be whole, how can you possibly tell other people what to do? there is a lot of good advice here. take it. you asked for it.

[Kristen Kelly]

Are there any TG-knowledgeable therapists in your area that you can see (especially if your college provides them for free)? You might try talking out your issues with them.

If you did take hormones, your parents don't necessarily have to know about it---if they don't find your hormones and you're not taking large doses that cause significant feminization they could be totally in the dark.


My advice: Before drawing an conclusion about your urges, need, relief or whatever, especially before taking hormones or considering SRS.
LEAVE THE CLOSET.
You can't come to a founded descision before you did't get some freedom to live it. So my first advice would be: Go for a OWN FLAT, put all your energy in there, live as free as possible for half a year or a year. Then you will see more clearly what to do next and which way to go.
You can't do that theoretically. You have to live it and to interact with poeple. Kind of a regular life (as regaular as it can be.)

Since I got kind of that freedom a lot of my views, needs, urges etc. have turned upside down. Everything a bit more relaxed and realistic. Most any descision or action I'd have made before that would have been a wrong one, but at least due to a wrong motivation.

Some good advice I dont need to repeat, You have time you said,"I've seen many people here saying that if they could go back in time they would do different... " you have that time dont rush it get your education and some counceling, then your apt, and then live your life.

[Rachel Signy]

You have a lot of concerns pulling you in different directions and I think you especially need counselling. On the one hand, you've gone so far as to experiment with hormones. On the other, you're not at all convinced you want to transition at all, from what I read.

For instance, one of the things that seems a big concern is that finding a relationship with a woman would be harder - if you were sure you wanted to be a woman that would take priority. The confusion won't last forever.

And there are women out there. Obviously it would be difficult for you to hook up with a totally straight girl - part-time crossdressers with that sort of partner don't have an easy time of it, as you'll be aware from reading this site. And I think you're considering going way beyond part-time crossdressing! I'm basically a part-time crossdresser and I've dated nothing but bisexual women for 18 years, and generally they pursued me. I don't know how common my experience is.

And be aware that deep changes in your personal identity may change your orientation. I know someone who went from being a hetero man to a hetero woman. She left town after transitioning, and when she visited a year later, her presentation was less overtly feminine and she told us that she was now a lesbian. She had to nail the gender before she straightened out the orientation. The whole thing is a big search for yourself anyway, isn't it?

[nibel]

@Wendi: I almost can hear the clock ticking on my head... that's what disturbs me most... do something now and accept the consequences, or avoid the consequences now and do something when there isn't much thing left to do...

@Stephanie-L: I shall not tell here where I live because I fear breaking my "stealth", but let's just say I'm on the third world (if you really want to know i can tell you in private). Here we have the same doctor-patient confidentiality as in US, but the difference is: the doctors don't respect it very much... and there is no law to enforce that! That said, the main reason I fear comming out on the third world is: the most succesful transexual here live as prostitutes for the rest of their lives! I don't want a life like that!

@great gg: You almost got it right... it's not really a ethinic thing, but a social thing. Where I live social classes matter the most, and I'm near the base of the pyramid. It's interesting that you said "physician heal thyself"... I, being a doctor (at least studying to be one), find this saying more easily spoken than done... it's incredible how it's easier to treat (and cure) a problem when it's not with someone you know. There is inclusive a policy here to not treat relatives or friends... I suppose it's based on that. (A fictional example of what i said would be House MD)

@Kristen Kelly: I know I have some time to spare, maybe I shouldn't do anything today and tomorrow, next month or next year... but sometime I'll have to move, and I need to have a plan when the time comes. That's what I'm trying to build right now... and that would give a little more peace to me now, knowing that I'm ready to what have to be done.

@Rachel Signy: I'm not sure if I agree with you, when you say that if I were sure about being a woman that would take a priority in my life. There are many things I treasure in my life, like family and career that I would put on equal terms with the "to be". I think it's all like a base of a pyramid or a chair, it's hard to live without any of them (let's say that being a woman is the third base)! You misunderstood about hormones, I did not start my experiment yet, I plan to wait for my classes on hormones start before doing anything that could be dangerous... But you are very right when you say that deepest changes on my body can modify my way of thinking too... I can't guarantee that after the "hormonization" I will still be looking after women... but I hope so... lol

[Linda Daniels]

As I read the posts I am wondering, thinking actually...I have a feeling that you have the answer within you. Take a deep breath and think...hmmmm, what is it that I really want and need??? Answer your own question and then take steps to get what you want/need, even if they are teeny baby steps. Whatever you do please don't try to fool yourself. The answer is within you and you know the answer...just calm yourself and listen. And let me add that it will be so much easier for you than any of us older girls. I envy your opportunities

Huggs

Linda

[Falisha]

A very inteligent man said that many, many years ago, and it still holds true today. Sweety, my best advice to you is to find yourself a good thearapist. And I'm not talking about one of those run of the mill thearpaists you are probably talking about and afraid to go see. I agree there. In a medical based colege community there is a lot of tounge wagging and just simple sharing of information due to this fact. What I'm talking about is a genuine gender therapist. One who is actually knowledgable about the facts and issues in the gender community. They can help answer all those questions and fears you have expressed. They can help guide you with a proverbial roadmap, so to speak, of what you want and expect from your life. Answer questions about future relations, possible future children, job security, the effects of HRT, and much, much more. And due to the fact that they are not usually part of the "general" therapy comunity, you can expect a lot more discretion on their part when it comes to your privacy.
A good point to remember,,a good gender therapist, will not tell you what you need to do, but rather, act as a guide down whatever path you choose to walk in life.
A few other points I'd like to reitterate,,,The sooner you decide what you want to do,,,the happier you will be. I spent way too much time of my life, trying to make everyone else happy, while I spirraled farther and farther down a dark tunnel of denial and self destruction that I'd hate to see anyone else travell. Untill I finally relized that I could never make everyone happy. No matter how hard you try, they will always want something more from you. The only person in your life that you can give true happiness to,,,is yourself.
Second, and this kinda go's with the first point, as much as we fear what our parents will think of us,,,they only want us to be healthy and happy. I grew up in the middle of nowhere, on a farm, the farthest away that you could possibly think that a TG person would pop up. In a large family that always joked about the one gay couple that lived in a 100 mile radius, and guess what? Thier first words out of thier mouths were not even the expected "why?" or "What have we done wrong?" or "is it our fault?" but rather,,,"Are you happy?" Believe me, in this day and age, parents are a stronger and more resilient than most people give them credit for. Yes I know there are some of us who have had bad experience with their parrents disowning them and stuff like that, but believe me, it is less common nowdays due to the fact that they are soo much more well informed than they were even 10 years ago.
One last point I'd like to address that another person has also addressed. People nowdays, just don't care. I have a great job,,one that has allowed me to pretty much travell wherever I want because we have restaraunts all over the world. I currantly live in a small town in Kentucky, probably the most religious and redneck region of the country. People know the truth about me, due to the fact, that if the ask, which is really rare,,I tell them the truth. Sometimes they have a few other questions they want to know and I answer them as best and truthfully as I can. Usually though, not even that. They just let it drop,,,they really don't care. They accept me as they would any other girl.
So I hope some of this may help you in your quest,,wherever it may lead. And that you find happiness in your life.
Sincerly,
Falisha

[Tamera]

It seems to me you are really frustrated. You want to go somewhere with your life but because of money, college,etc. You are being blocked from doing this. My question would be how far do you want to go changing your gender. If I'm on the wrong path let me know.