Loopy and Lost

[CaptLex]

First, please keep in mind that I'm still doped up and loopy. Okay, that said, I find myself lost somewhere in the space/time continuum (or some other Twilight Zone type place). Here's what I mean:

Before going in for surgery, I endured tons of pre-op appointments, questions and tests where I had to bite my tongue for days while almost everyone referred to me by my female name and called me "she". I didn't want to rock the boat, 'cause I didn't want them making any notes on my chart that would get back to my insurance company. It was frustrating, but I got through it - after all, it was just for a few hours each day. I also despaired that I would have to endure this same treatment for more than a few hours - for all the time I would be in the hospital. Didn't know if I could take it that long.

Somehow I must have put my brain in a different place for that experience, because when I checked in for surgery I was able to accept being treated like a female for the entire pre-op preparation, post-op recovery time and nursing care I required - a total time of about two days. When I left the hospital, I congratulated myself on being able to get through it all without losing it, and without even feeling uncomfortable about it, which really surprised me.

And now . . . well, now I don't know how I feel. I'm kind of feeling like I'm in limbo - between two worlds. I don't know why. Is it because part of me is afraid to lose the female side of me forever, and this surgery signifies just that (although I have no regrets about the surgery, and would do it again in a sec)? Is it because I'm home alone during this time and don't feel like I have to "present" any gender to anyone right now? Is it because I'm drugged up? Any theories? :confused:

[Marla S]

And now . . . well, now I don't know how I feel. I'm kind of feeling like I'm in limbo - between two worlds. I don't know why. Is it because part of me is afraid to lose the female side of me forever, and this surgery signifies just that (although I have no regrets about the surgery, and would do it again in a sec)? Is it because I'm home alone during this time and don't feel like I have to "present" any gender to anyone right now? Is it because I'm drugged up? Any theories? :confused:
First off, I'd like to take the chance to say that I am happy that you are well.
Second, I am probably everything else then a good adviser.
Nevertheless here is what came to mind reading your post.

Maybe it's not so much a feeling of being between two worlds, but within two worlds. Maybe you've settled somewhat in both. Being convinced of being a man but also enjoy some of the female aspects.
That certainly is confusing if one has focused predominately to settle in the other world for a long time.
I guess once you got over feeling to be in limbo and allow the male and female aspects to live you will feel even better.

[bi_weird]

*HUG*
Yeah I dunno. I'm not a therapist, but all of your theories sound possible. It also sounds really confusing. I think it's entierly possible that you're afraid of letting go of the feminine part of you. I also think it's possible that you're just drugged up. Basically I don't know but I'm sympathetic to how odd it must feel. My word you'd think I was drugged with how little my brain is functioning today...

[kerrianna]

Hope you're on the mend Capt. Sounds like you handled the whole hopsital thing really well, like a true captain. :happy:

Hmmm, I think maybe all your theories could be correct, but you're probably certainly in a doped-up twilight zone so until you're out of that you won't have a good handle on what else you're feeling. I find painkillers sneaky because sometimes you don't really think they're messing with (unlike too much rum :p ) but they really are big time.

So take it easy sir and report back when you're not sniffing the glue. :D

I don't doubt you are/will experience a sense of loss. It's natural with what you've gone through. You are in uncharted waters sir. Don't worry, you've got a good crew to see you through. :hugs:

:love: :love: :love:

[Dasein9]

Hmm... The only really strong feminine characteristics I've seen in you -- and this is keeping in mind that we all have feminine and masculine characteristics -- are your thoughtfulness and your generosity. I can't see those disappearing for any ol' surgery. They didn't remove your soul, did they? ;) (Don't worry, that last was rhetorical. They can't. )


That last bit was just because I know the Cap'n's loopy and don't want to cause any nightmares.

[Kate Simmons]

I'm just glad you are okay and back home Hon. I'm not going to say anything profound for once. Just relax, let the meds do their job and don't worry about it. The Captain we all know and love will be back on the ship and in charge in no time. I have every confidence in that because I know my Captains.:koc: ;) :battingeyelashes:

[Abraxas]

As the others have said, Cap, any or all of your theories could be spot on. I know I find myself thinking weird thoughts when I'm on vicodin, or when I'm under the weather, or when I haven't been out of the house for a few days. It's probably a combination of all of this. Plus, there is always some psychological aspect to any surgery. It always messes with the way you perceive yourself, but it's usually temporary. Once you thoroughly accept the fact that it's over and done with, things will go back to normal. I'm not saying you haven't, but... It's like a new haircut. For the first few days you wake up and look in the mirror and get a slight shock until you remember. Then you kind of go, 'oh, okay' and go about your business.
Anyway, I'm sure you'll get your thoughts sorted soon enough. Drugs are not conducive to clear thought! :hugs:

[Sally24]

I suspect you're just in a state of shock. I know anytime anything really big has happened in my life it has always felt a little unreal at the time. Just a way for your brain to set things to the side and process the new information at it's own pace. Just one of those defense mechanisms that help keep us sane (or for what passes for not-crazy).

Nothing to do about it but give it some time. Relax.....sounds like you've dealt with all of this pretty well.

Good luck on your recovery.

Sally
stardate 128071923

[Abraxas]

Another good point!
I get that 'surreal' feeling a lot of the time when big things, or even just anything out of the ordinary happens.

[pocoyo]

I think loads of the advice given above is so good!
I can't really add anything amazing to it but here's some thoughts.......

First!.....*hug hug hug*......

Ok so I am well tired and pathetic (yeah I know I make that "excuse" alot but it's actually always true lol!) so I don't have much of a brain but I will do my best to say what I thought when reading your post:


And now . . . well, now I don't know how I feel. I'm kind of feeling like I'm in limbo - between two worlds. I don't know why.

Why? Rather possibly because of this... (the answer's in the question lol):


I endured tons of pre-op appointments, questions and tests where I had to bite my tongue for days while almost everyone referred to me by my female name and called me "she". I didn't want to rock the boat, 'cause I didn't want them making any notes on my chart that would get back to my insurance company. It was frustrating, but I got through it -

You probably got used to being in "girl mode" again for that brief time...which is something you haven't done for ages... that's bound to throw anyone. Especially someone that has been so fiercly fighting to be accepted as their male self.

Perhaps it was comfortable not having to fight for a while.
But you know what... remember you always say that there is no right or wrong way to be male or female? Well that applies to you too me-darlin'! It's ok to relax and just be whatever the heck you want to be like.
What I mean is... don't worry about pushing to be Lex..lex...lex... all the time.. because you don't have to push... because you are Lex, whatever happens! (I'm not saying you do try extra hard to be manly or anything, but just mentioned it for if you do, let's face it all us transgender people have to "push/fight" to be recognised at some time).

Just because some parts of your body changes (and for the better/health reasons) doesn't mean that YOU have changed at all. (Unless you want to). Even symbolically.
In fact all that it really symbolises, is that you are taking more control of your life and also that you are looking after your health. Those are 2 very admirable and strong things my friend.


Is it because part of me is afraid to lose the female side of me forever, and this surgery signifies just that
Well, seeing as you are an intelligent, analytical, sensitive person you are bound to have considered that.... that is totally normal.
Sometimes, even when we wouldn't normally have even worried about something, if we are a sensitive person we think about something ... and THEN we start to worry about it. Needlessly.
But of course you're going to feel like that because you lived as a woman for most of your life so far. When we leave things behind, even if they are something that wasn't particularly good for us (like an ex boyfriend for example) sometimes we still "miss" them because we have been used to them for so long. But we move on and adjust, especially when the person/thing was bad for us. (I'm talking about the female organs not female parts of your soul!) I think that you will not lose that "female" part of yourself, because as everyone keeps telling me we are ALL male AND female inside anyway. And it's probably not even "female", like Das said it's just nice parts of you.. and you're never gonna lose that, because it's just you!


(although I have no regrets about the surgery, and would do it again in a sec)?
Well that's what you have to remember. That you needed the surgery for a few very good reasons. And now your life will be better because of it!
So it is a great thing. And also you can relax about a few things now.


Is it because I'm home alone during this time
That can really be hard sometimes if you're feeling out of sorts and confused.

and don't feel like I have to "present" any gender to anyone right now?
Could be... but like I said... who cares... you're you!
I think things will feel a lot easier in every aspect when you're looking and feeling as manly as you want to. Then you can relax... not have to worry about how to present yourself or act, because people will just see and treat you as a man anyway.


Is it because I'm drugged up?
That could have a huuuge part in it!

Also... when someone is poorly and sitting around at home, it is totally normal to feel down, or confused or out of it & question oneself.
I reckon that in a few days you will be feeling sooo much better. Physically and mentally.


Any theories? :confused:
Oh yes one more... and don't forget... in a lot of ways you ARE in limbo between two worlds right now. But only physically :)
This latest step in your journey is quite a big one, and it's bound to throw you for a while emotionally.
But as you said, you are pleased you had the operation, so when you are feeling better you will be feeling even better than before!
I have huge respect for you! :)


P.S. I just read the post about shock... I think that could be spot on you know!

[CaptLex]

Wow, lots of really good theories and advice here. Thank you all. I guess I'll just hang around and wait for my brain to re-boot or something, then. *sigh of relief* :happy:

[pocoyo]

Ooops you've already read them!
I just edited a couple of bits that didn't make much sense hehe.

Haha yeah, don't worry you're not losing the plot :hugs:
You will definitely feel much better soon ;)

[CaptLex]

The only really strong feminine characteristics I've seen in you -- and this is keeping in mind that we all have feminine and masculine characteristics -- are your thoughtfulness and your generosity.

:shush: Sssh! You're not supposed to tell anybody about that . . . goes against my "tough guy" reputation. ;)

[Kieron Andrew]

goes against my "tough guy" reputation. ;)*cough!!!!*

[CaptLex]

*cough!!!!*

:lol2: Don't make me laugh, Kieron . . . it hurts. :heehee:

Oops, I guess I just confirmed your point - tough guys don't complain about pain.

[Kieron Andrew]

:lol2: Don't make me laugh, Kieron . . . it hurts. :heehee:

Oops, I guess I just confirmed your point - tough guys don't complain about pain.
:heehee: :tongueout :whistling::devil:

[Kimberley]

Capt,
My wife went through a very similar time way back when. Anyway, she returned to normal after a few weeks. I think it was just the hormone imbalance

[Lex]

Maybe because you've lost such a significant female symbol, you don't feel the need to supress any female feelings/actions/whatever. Because now you feel more male, so you feel confident enough and comfortable with people referring to you with female pronouns, because you just don't care. Because you know you're male and you know this well enough not to care about other people and their opinions.

[Sheila]

:lol2: Don't make me laugh, Kieron . . . it hurts. :heehee:

Oops, I guess I just confirmed your point - tough guys don't complain about pain.


Next it will be man flu:devil: :D :D

Hope you are feeling better soon capt

:hugs: Jess

[Kieron Andrew]

Next it will be man flu:devil: :D :D


funny i was thinking that myself hehe

[CaptLex]

Maybe because you've lost such a significant female symbol, you don't feel the need to supress any female feelings/actions/whatever. Because now you feel more male, so you feel confident enough and comfortable with people referring to you with female pronouns, because you just don't care. Because you know you're male and you know this well enough not to care about other people and their opinions.
So young . . . and so wise. That actually makes a lot of sense in my case - thanks for articulating that so well.

[Kate Simmons]

The point is Cap that you are fortunate enought to have experienced both sides of life. That, in itself, is invaluable in understanding yourself and others.You will always remember the experience but the important thing right now is to continue moving forward in the adventure of becoming who you really are. Few(in comparison to the general population) people ever have the opportunity to experience what you have. Having done that, it strengthens your character and determination to become the best person you can possibly be and knowing you have done everything in your power to accomplish that. You are a great inspiration to me my friend and I admire you for who you are and who you are yet to become.;) :battingeyelashes:

[Sharon]

I'm so glad for you that the surgery went well, Lex. And take advantage of and enjoy those drugs while you have them! :p

It was a huge thing you went through, and I am so happy for you that I could bust. :hugs:

[CaptLex]

I'm so glad for you that the surgery went well, Lex. And take advantage of and enjoy those drugs while you have them! :p

It was a huge thing you went through, and I am so happy for you that I could bust. :hugs:

OMG, Sharon! Is that really you? :hugs: Man, I missed your wise insight and humor. Please don't feel that you have to have all the answers just to be here with us and share. So glad to have you here - and thanks for your good wishes. Break out the good rum! :jumping:

[Sharon]

Break out the good rum! :jumping:

Can we make that a bourbon? I'll buy. :eek:

Damn it, Lex, you made me reappear, but I couldn't think of a better place to do so.:happy:

Okay now, what was the topic again?:o

[Kieron Andrew]

Can we make that a bourbon? I'll buy. :eek:

Damn it, Lex, you made me reappear, but I couldn't think of a better place to do so.:happy:

Okay now, what was the topic again?:o
yay!!!!! she's back!!! Sharon we missed you! especially over here!.......

yeah what was the topic again, Sharon made me forget...its all her fault!:heehee: :tongueout

[CaptLex]

yay!!!!! she's back!!! Sharon we missed you! especially over here!.......
You saw her too, right?! I didn't hallucinate that? Yay, bourbon all around! :twirl:

[Kieron Andrew]

You saw her too, right?! I didn't hallucinate that? Yay, bourbon all around! :twirl:
nope you didnt hallucinate :).....well if you did then i did too :heehee: lol

[Kieron Andrew]

oh and instead of bourbon.... can i have

[KrazyKat]

:cheer: Yeah, Sharon is back!!:hugs:

Capt, you know I went through this surgery, and the first week I thought I was fine, but I did some really wierd things the next two weeks, like whatever they knocked me out with was still in my system!! I told the Gas Doc, to make sure I was "happy", and I was!!

I was buying music boxes for my Doctors and nurses, and taking muffins into the hospital floor nurses, and I have no idea what else!!

So, like everyone said, have fun with it, things will even out!! Okay, I hear you on the hurts to laugh and cough!!

I'm sure as said before, your body is going to be in some state of physical shock, and your mind is scrabbling all the systems to readjust, but it'll happen.

Hey, great time to do something totally different, and blame it on meds!!:jumping:

Like you hadn't already thought of that!!:angel:

[Kimberley]

SHARON!!!! Welcome back hon!!! :hugs:

We need another voice of reason around here. There are never enough as you know.

I for one look forward to your contributions and insights once again.

:love:
Kimberley.

Oh yeah and you are right, there is no better place to return than this forum. The guys are all cool.

[Felix]

Hey Lex I agree with Salandra it's such a pluss to experience both sides of the gender divide, it gives ya so much more insight into ppl and helps ya to give a much more balanced point of view. No disrespect to anyone else. What's wrong with bein a fem male I know lots and there great ppl like you Lex warm, caring, compassionate, good listeners and good friends. So don't worry too much if ya still in touch with ya female side I'd say keep hold of some of those aspects that will be advantageous to ya, it doesn't make ya less of a man xx :hugs: Felix

Hey Sharon great to see ya back :hugs: :hugs: xx

[Lex]

So young . . . and so wise. That actually makes a lot of sense in my case - thanks for articulating that so well.

Haha, you think I'm wise, awesome! xD Hope I helped. :)

[Kimberley]

...What's wrong with bein a fem male I know lots and there great ppl like you Lex warm, caring, compassionate, good listeners and good friends. So don't worry too much if ya still in touch with ya female side I'd say keep hold of some of those aspects that will be advantageous to ya, it doesn't make ya less of a man...

**************
Felix, I think you struck a chord so many of us on both sides of the fence seem to miss. We are so fixated on being one way or the other that we maybe miss the benefits of having both sides. Personally I believe this is the major conflict of gender dysphoria and singularly the largest boulder in the way of self acceptance.

This could probably be another thread entirely. Anyway, anyone else have thoughts on this?

:hugs:
Kimberley.

[pocoyo]

Yeah I have some thoughts on a similar thing!

Yeah... when people say to me stuff like "But men don't act like THAT"
I'm like... "er.. well THIS man does!"
As Kimb and Cap always say "there is no right or wrong way to be male or female!" And that is SO TRUE.
In fact lots of very manly straight men don't act "like a man should" sometimes. But because they have a male body and look, they are never questioned on it.

Even if there WAS a right or wrong way.. so WHAT? Sod it! Just be how you want lol

I liked what Abraxas said on that GG question thread about not compromising who he is just to be a boy or whatever. And I totally agree... I'm not going to stop being ridiculous and silly, soft and even GIRLY just because I'm a boy!

In fact.. as a boy I would probably be well girly sometimes, because it's fun.

Plus of course I'm gay (or possibly bi) so I have a bit of a licence to act "girly"... not that I need one.

I think people should just act however they want to (obviously as long as it doesn't hurt/badly hurt others) and have their appearance however they want and feel comfortable with too! (As long as they are healthy).

PLUS... it makes us more understanding people to be able to see things from both a male and a female perspective. And we are ALL a mixture of both anyway so its all cool!

[Kimberley]

...In fact.. as a boy I would probably be well girly sometimes, because it's fun....

Give me back my skirt you impetuous little ....:tongueout

:hugs:
Kimberley

[pocoyo]

Haha noo! It's mine I tell you!

[CaptLex]

So don't worry too much if ya still in touch with ya female side I'd say keep hold of some of those aspects that will be advantageous to ya, it doesn't make ya less of a man xx :hugs: Felix
I totally agree with you Felix, I don't want to lose the parts of me that allow me to see things from the female perspective and empathize with them. I guess I was just afraid I might have been reverting to being more female than male (like I was once upon a time) - not that there's anything wrong with that either, but it's confusing to ride that see-saw. Feeling better about it now, actually.

I talked to my therapist about it all yesterday - it's funny, actually, it was almost the first question he asked me. I'm still home, so we had a phone session, which was great. He's going with the theory that my body is still in shock from surgery, but he liked the "gender non-presentation" theory too. He also said he thought I might be experiencing a sense of loss - like grieving the part of me that is now permanently gone.

Anyway, I'm feeling better about it now. Maybe it's because I stopped taking the meds two days ago too. :p