Need advice on restarting communication

[donna h]

Im 44 and had the talk with my SO 15 months ago We made some agreements about time and space etc. All seemed well.She suggested I get a room as needed as we have kids and dont want a problem there but each time I brought it up she gave me the "I DONT CARE". After that I felt she had broken her word and was hurt.I broke off all communiction on dressing in late August and there has been none since.I really would love/ need to reopen talking with her about this again. I dont want her participation just want the "Im not hiding thing" to go away. Any advice from GGs would be appreciated. All others welcome as well

[marie354]

When I first told my SO about the other "me", she wasn't tickled either. I had to "keep it to myself" so to speak. In time, bringing it up in conversation once in a while, (this has to be done at her speed), I'm now allowed to dress anytime. Now let me expalin more. We're both retired, all of our kids are grown and away, it's just the two of here now.
You have to understand that women use both sides of their brain and see things a lot faster and clearly then we do. Mens brains are seperated into 2 sections... Motor and thought. Women, however... Are connected together all of the time. This may have some real advantages that we can't understand, and probably never will.
Well maybe some of do understand... Some have that extra chromeasome.
Not to put anyone down for this... It's just something that we all should think about... We all are different.
It would be a very small world if we all thought tht we were all the same, wouldn't it?

[Jodie_Lynn]

It seems, Donna, that she doesn't want yo know any more about your CD-ing, at least at this time.

If she has told you that she wants you to indulge outside the house, then I suggest that you do so.

If she asks "where have you been?", tell her simply, and without animosity that you were honoring her wishes: To take it out, away from the kids, and out of her sight.

But leave the door open, if she wants to talk.

[PatyR]

:yt:

I agree on what she said

[kathy gg]

Hi Donna

Well you asked for advice. It seems to me, unless there is more to the story, that she set where her boundaries were. She has no desire to hear about it or discuss it, but understands that you need to do it, and offered up her suggestion, or some mutual suggestion to go get yourself a room.

If you are continuing to bring it up, very well knowing that she does not want to discuss it, seems clear to me that you are causing yourself grief for no reason.

Leave her a note then with "when/where/how long" the next time you need to dress and just go.

I understand what you want, but it sounds as this is a closed case on her end. She made her stance clear and everytime you try to reopen communication it only will make her even less interested in discussing it.

Now perosnally, I could not live this way. I am an "all the cards on the table" kind of wife and I cannot do this. But I do understand for many wives who did not go looking for a crossdresser they have coping mechinisms which help them focus on the big picture and not dwell on the bad parts {at least in their minds}. Her coping stratagey is to ignore it.

It sounds like you need open communication. The reality is she just may not be emotionally able to do this for you. Who is at fault? Both of you? Neither of you? My guess she did not know about the dressing from the get go and maybe you did not realize how important it was to you then.....but you are both in the PRESENT.

She can't change {at this time} who she is, and we both know you can't change who you are.

Although your intentions are honourable, she is not wanting to go that route. So for your own self perservation you will have do things the way she wants....with it hidden.

For the record I think it is very kind of you to want to be honest. And most gg's on here might even agree with me. But in the case of your SO, those kind intentions are wasted.


E=donna h;727430]Im 44 and had the talk with my SO 15 months ago We made some agreements about time and space etc. All seemed well.She suggested I get a room as needed as we have kids and dont want a problem there but each time I brought it up she gave me the "I DONT CARE". After that I felt she had broken her word and was hurt.I broke off all communiction on dressing in late August and there has been none since.I really would love/ need to reopen talking with her about this again. I dont want her participation just want the "Im not hiding thing" to go away. Any advice from GGs would be appreciated. All others welcome as well[/QUOTE]

[Bethany Ann]

She seems to have set the boundaries where she is comfortable. I guess you need more dress and drives to have fun;-) Dont push her or from everthing I have read it will only make the problem worse quickly. My wife and I have not talked about it in the last week but she knows when she took the kids to BB practice on saturday...I was a dressing fool...she just needs a little distance from it for awhile...I would suggest the same for you.

Bethany

[Eugenie]

Hi Donna
It seems to me, unless there is more to the story, that she set where her boundaries were. She has no desire to hear about it or discuss it, but understands that you need to do it, and offered up her suggestion, or some mutual suggestion to go get yourself a room.

Donna, on the basis of the above answer, I felt that I had to share with you my recent experience. I've just been through a serious crisis just for making that assumption... I also thought that this was my SO's desire: "Its OK for you to X-dress, you can have your room for you, even go out (providing it isn't in our home town), but I don't want to know about it."
Well, it turned out that she knew a lot more about my "en femme" life and suffered from it but didn't want to talk about it.

I'm just reporting this because I think that our SOs often know more about us than we think they do and as was the case with my wife she was suffering in silence.

Actually we finally had a few in depth talks on that subject, and she has herself now clearly set the boundaries. She understands that I can't stop x-dressing and accepts that but gave me the limits that will cause a separation in case I trespass them.

Part of these limits were to be more considerate of her feelings, stop spending all my life being completely centered around x-dressing. I have started: I limit my participation to this and other forums to less than an hour a day... And only when she's gone to bed at night...

So check that you aren't making your wife unhappy, mention that you don't want to do it and pay attention to what she really want, not only what she tells you...
:hugs:
Eugenie

[Sheila]

It seems, Donna, that she doesn't want yo know any more about your CD-ing, at least at this time.

If she has told you that she wants you to indulge outside the house, then I suggest that you do so.

If she asks "where have you been?", tell her simply, and without animosity that you were honoring her wishes: To take it out, away from the kids, and out of her sight.

But leave the door open, if she wants to talk.


:iagree: and pushing will only make things worse, go with what you have got and hope that things will get better but push and you will find things can get a whole lot rougher. Your call hun

Jess