I married a man not a woman!

[bgirl]

Have you ever heard that before? My SO is generally supportive of me and was even happy for me after a recent in femme outing. But she asked where this was going. I didn't have an instant answer. I just know I can't go back in the closet. I don't need to be out to the world but I do need to be out to me.
Where is that place? Is my dressing escalting? Am I going to start dressing around the house when I 'm not alone?
So many questions and as usual, I don't know!

[Sierra Evon]

My ex-wifes exact words , now famous and imfamious last words to me !!!
Ya"", whatever..........:tongueout

[loki_uk]

Have you ever heard that before? My SO is generally supportive of me and was even happy for me after a recent in femme outing. But she asked where this was going. I didn't have an instant answer. I just know I can't go back in the closet. I don't need to be out to the world but I do need to be out to me.
Where is that place? Is my dressing escalting? Am I going to start dressing around the house when I 'm not alone?
So many questions and as usual, I don't know!

C'mon if your missus started sticking on a fake beard, showing a builders bum and answering to the name of Dave wouldn't you find it a bit bewildering sometimes ?

[RobertaFermina]

Girl, I hear you!

Last night, speaking with my (ex?) S.O., she asked me if I thought I might be Homosexual. I wanted to quote her statistics about CDing and Heterosexuality, and gave that up in favor of - 'If Mr. Right came along, I can't think of a reason to push him away, and, by the way, I don't have any compulsion to look for Mr. Right.'

I want to follow what is happening within and around me, and say YES to whatever is offered that appeals to me, and does not harm or interfere with my responsibilities to self, family, and my present commitments.

That leaves a lot of room for change, and I can't say whether I will visit all of those rooms.

I realize that staying open to what may come is both scary, and exciting for me, while it is just plain scary for my ladyfriend and others who dare to imagine or even ask where I am going with this.

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[Kahlan51]

I want to follow what is happening within and around me, and say YES to whatever is offered that appeals to me, and does not harm or interfere with my responsibilities to self, family, and my present commitments.

That leaves a lot of room for change, and I can't say whether I will visit all of those rooms.

:rose: Roberta :rose:[/quote]

Too often we let things and people define who we are rather than what we create our selves to be. Sounds like you are right on track. Congratulations

Kahlan

[Rebecca Petersen]

Last night, speaking with my (ex?) S.O., she asked me if I thought I might be Homosexual. I wanted to quote her statistics about CDing and Heterosexuality, and gave that up in favor of - 'If Mr. Right came along, I can't think of a reason to push him away, and, by the way, I don't have any compulsion to look for Mr. Right.:rose: Roberta :rose:

Would that be Orville or Wilbur?...Ya know...Orville and Wilbur Wright..."Mr. Right"...Okay, fine...I just thought it would lighten the moment.

[Jasmine Ellis]

good question and i just don't know the answer to it. My wife knows about Jasmine but up to now she haven't said anything like this. Untill then I'm in the dark

[Eugenie]

Is my dressing escalting? Am I going to start dressing around the house when I 'm not alone?

Good questions,

These were the ones my SO asked me about a week ago. We had a very serious crisis, where I discivered that my wife's fear was exactly based upon those two questions plus a couple of others...

Since I discovered various X-dressers forums, I accepted my X-dressing completely and my life changed so much that I became completely immersed in my desire for feminity. My wife wasn't speaking about it, she was keeping it all to herself. Circumstances (too long to explain here) have finaly lead us to speak...

That question "Where is it going to stop, or will it stop ?" was among the top priority for her. She was afraid I was going to "come out" to every one, family, friends, coleagues, etc. And indeed I did come out to some friends and even to my Daughter (36).

The idea that I would spend all my time "en femme" in her presence was also in question. Her answer was a clear "NO".

Yet she understands very much my desire to live "en femme". She even mentionned that if she felt that I would be happier living full time en femme she would let me live my life and accept an amiable divorce. But she said that she didn't believe that I would be happier. Which I admit is a question I asked myself.

So for the moment I'm trying to stop the escalation process in my x-dressing. I have tried to be a bit more considerate towards her feelings. But will my urge for X-Dressing let me continue like this? That's now the question I ask myself...

So you're not alone. We must be quite a lot here with difficult decisions to take. And none of us will find the answers outside their own deep feelings...
:hugs:
Eugenie

[Julie York]

I think your wife should be forgiven for being unnerved by your change of personality given that she "married a man" etc. It might be 'you' and it might have always been there, but by comparison, she may think she was Cleopatra in another life and you'd have difficulties coming to terms with her bathing is asses milk every day.


"Where's this going to end? You're not going to buy a camel are you?"

She marries a man and finds out years later he's a nutjob who wears women's clothing and doesn't know if he is alan or alice?

I'd find that unnerving.

[Toyah]

I guess there is one simple rule, when she says she is not happy about something listen to her and then don't go down the route she is not comfortable with

[kathy gg]

Hi Bgirl

I hate to bust your bubble or really anyone's or that matter, but I think this is a very logical and sound question.

I actually looked to date and marry and cd when i was single, because I knew being married to a *crossdresser* could be alot of fun if given the right peson and the righ tframe of mind......but that said, it could have been scary and nerve racking to be married to someone who has no idea where this all is/would lead.

Being married to a crossdresser is one thing...being married to someone who is notsure of their gender or sexuality can be frightening.....to someone who looked for this......so when I put MYSELF in a woman's frame of mind who DI DID NOT go looking for a crossdresser....I can imagine that it would be about ten times scarier than anything I might feel if I had asked my husband that question and been given a very shakey reply as an answer.

I think what *MOST* {not all}, but most women want to know is where this is NOT leading....full-time, hormones, sexual experimention with otheres, other fetishes which go further outside her realm of comfort, ect ect.

I have what I call Hard boundaries....this includes fidelity, hormone usage, permanent obvious body augmentation {ie breast} , and anything which would make our quality of life deterioate.

In my hubbies case he has no massive resrtictions places on where and when he can dress, but common sense he posses in good quanities, so thankfully I dont' have to worry about him out in the backyard in a neglige!

Anyway.....my point is that if a woman who actually enjoys this and particpates and encourages has limits...think of the women who did not look for this and how this might be confusing to her.

You bear some responsiblity to start being able to ansewr some quetsions as honestly and as clearly as you can. Just saying "I don't know..." shows very little concern for how the person who shares your life might feel.

This is empathy and hopefully this is a part of femininity that you will begin to invest more time in understanding.




Have you ever heard that before? My SO is generally supportive of me and was even happy for me after a recent in femme outing. But she asked where this was going. I didn't have an instant answer. I just know I can't go back in the closet. I don't need to be out to the world but I do need to be out to me.
Where is that place? Is my dressing escalting? Am I going to start dressing around the house when I 'm not alone?
So many questions and as usual, I don't know!

[Warbender]

I dress to involve both parts of my mentality as a human being. A man in his male ego is only part of his total being. This is my finding from the depth of my soul. Because I do what I do. I bind together both the male ,and female parts of my total being more tightly. This allows me to show better empathy, understanding, and caring to my S.O... I am able to better sense my S.O.'s needs in our day to day lives, in our intamacy, and especially in understanding myself in my souls journey....I fear that we as a race of beings are not as in "tune" with ourselves as we need to be


Besides all of this... I have come to enjoy the better mental, spiritual, and physical sense of being a whole human being. (and it's fun too.) Please... I beg... Do not judge a human by the bits and pieces, but learn about and enjoy the total package.

Lots of hugs , kisses, and a prayer for you and yours in your souls life journey. May you find the understanding of your S.O.. So you may better understand yourself

[KrazyKat]

:love: Yes, I can understand a person feeling this is what they agreed to, a partnership with the opposite sex. Many gg's are very concerned with their "image" in the community around them, and so many times woman feel they are "judged" by the man they are able to attract, marry, and "keep".

Sad, as it promotes a kind of "captured" marriage, so to speak. Opposites attract, so one partner is dom, and other partner is sub, not necessarily having anything to do with the gender.:2c:

[Dana]

Why is it wrong to like what half of the other population likes?

[Warbender]

Why is it wrong to like what half of the other population likes?

Ha!!! (said loudly in a high girlly voice). I think that the differences from one person to the next is to be celebrated. "society" wants the status quo., and as a whole fears the unknown, or what is different. look at the time of the 30 years war where people of a different religeon were murdered, raped, and looted in the name of christianity, or in later times a person could gett lynched for being of a different skin color. And what of now. In recent times a person would be brutally beatten for going against what society deems as propper for a person to do, be, or say. I say that not all of the ways of society are wrong, but on the other side of the same coin.... Those two fears... The fear of the unknown, and the fear of those that ARE different should be sent the way of the dodo.

[linnea]

I haven't heard the questions from my SO, but I was thinking about those very kind of questions last night as I began to put away many of my femme things to prepare for the return of my SO from a business trip. She does not know that I crossdress, so I was thinking about the consequences of my telling her.
One of the questions that I thought she might respond with was "Where is this going?" My hypothetical answer to that last night was "That depends on how you feel about my crossdressing." I imagined trying to explain to her that I don't want to change my sex, that I'm not a homosexual, that I don't necessarily want to tell all of our friends and associates, and that I am very much the same person she married with great love and affection for her.
So, I continued (in my hypothetical scenario), I would like her to understand and accept the concept, work toward accepting the behavior within what another responder put as the "hard boundaries," and let my crossdressing be an enhancement to our relationship rather than a burden.
Of course, this all occurred in my imagination and was strictly from my hopeful point of view. I realize that crossdressing my be totally repugnant and repulsive to her. I realize that she may respond to finding out about it with anger regarding the deception as well as the behavior that she may find abnormal and unacceptable. I realize that she may demand that I quit or get counseling or quit AND get counseling. I realize that she may be confused and hurt and angry and frightened.
I have been crossdressing in some way--starting with minimal articles of clothing and progressing to full-scale dressing--for over fifty years. It would be very hard for me to give it up completely, not only because I enjoy it and regard it as a perfectly valid form of self-expression but also because I have done it so long that it seems to me to be an integral part of my being.
On the other hand, I love my SO. She is my friend, my lover, my associate, my partner, my intimate. My feelings for her are deep and complex and it would be very hard for me to give her up completely.
If I ever do come out to her, I will try to honor and respect her feelings, but I really don't know if I have the courage to face the dilemma that may arise from coming out to her.

[MJ]

My ex-wifes exact words , now famous and imfamious last words to me !!! Ya"", whatever..........:tongueout

yep me too ,

[noname]

kathy gg; you sound very reasonable, and open minded. kudos

[DawnRodgers]

When I outed myself to my wife it resulted in months of tears and anger and, unfortunately, few questions I could answer. And the answers then are hardly the same answers now. I think that is what women are afraid of. They often find out things they never knew or suspected so what are they to think now. I kjnow times are a changing but certainly in my generation the man was the breadwinner, the wife stayed home, raised the children and worked occassionally to suplement the family budget or when the kids were out of the house.
I can understand her side (actually now better than ever). Certainly more than I think she understands mine. I'm not toally sure I even undrstand mine. For sure my thoughts and desires have changed over the years. From blatant sexuality to comfort and peacefulness. I still do not know where I am headed. You long for the hours you spend as a woman. You think that you could live and dress like this forever. Then you think, what, am I nuts. I love to slip on nylons and heels. Keep my nails polished, put on makeup. But do I want to do this everyday? Wearing heels for a few hours occassionaly seems uplifting and exotic. Wearing them for eight or nine hours at work? Not so appealing. Just getting ready to go out as a woman takes forever (it seems). At least if you are going out really dressed. Do I really want to go through this all of the time. Heck, guys slip on slacks a shirt, slide on the shoes, run a comb through our hair and voila. Not so a woman. But I still waver back and forth. Yes - no? So I don't know and it changes with time also - probably always will. So it is difficult to answer all, or some, of the questions because we don't often know the answer. Even when we think we do. Everything is just a moment in time. We feel what we feel when we feel it. We don't often think about tomorrow - let alone next year. Especially the males mong us.

Even women change in a relationship. Stay at homes go to work. Good cooks get tired of shuffling and preparing meals for sundry dinner times. Affections and attracriveness changes. Styles of dress change either through agaig, indifference or fashion. Wanting everything to stay the same is impossible. Nothing is static. I know that I had no idea before getting married that this is how I would wind up. It sort of slowly overcame me. Actually, that is what life is all about. We all change over time. We accept new ideas and new things. That's the best answer I can give.
Dawn

[Marianna Julianna]

No, that's one I've never heard, and if I did I can say, and will. No dear, you married a Trannie, because you knew that i was before I even asked you to marry me.

[Sheila]

sometimes in my rational moments (they are few and far between mind:heehee: :heehee: ) I can understand why you can't answer where it is leading, heck we rarely are able to know where we "might" end up in general, let alone in any specific area of our lives, things are constantly changing throughout out lives, new opportunities present themselves, some doors close, while others open. All we can do, is give as honest an answer, as we can, to any given question at the time

Jess

[bgirl]

Hi Bgirl

I hate to bust your bubble or really anyone's or that matter, but I think this is a very logical and sound question.

I have what I call Hard boundaries....this includes fidelity, hormone usage, permanent obvious body augmentation {ie breast} , and anything which would make our quality of life deterioate.


You bear some responsiblity to start being able to ansewr some quetsions as honestly and as clearly as you can. Just saying "I don't know..." shows very little concern for how the person who shares your life might feel.

This is empathy and hopefully this is a part of femininity that you will begin to invest more time in understanding.

Hello Kathy!
No bubble bursting here! In fact I asked for and welcome your comments.
I know that they are resonable questions. And my 'I don't know' is not meant to be a flippant response. I spent much time in denial and with my wifes help, I have started to accept myself as I am. We , my wife and I are in new territory. It has been less than a year scince she became aware of my cding. And my honesty to her alowed me to be honest with me as well. So instead of purging before I got caught, I was asked about what was going on, and I came clean. The highs and lows are less and the emotional turmoil has started to ease. The confusion, however remains.
As to compasion, I have had 50 years to try to deal with all of this, and she had it all droped on her in a day. I don't need to be a genius to understand the difficulty in that. That she is still with me, reminds me of what a wonderful person she is. Its not me and my cding against her and her acceptance of me.
It is my hope that we work together.
Your hard boundries are in effect here. I do not want to add or subtract any parts. I can tell her with certainty that I do not want any augmentation. That I will not take my sox of in Yoga class. That I am not going to present as a woman full time. Sometimes I missunderstand her comfort level. At this time I think she would rather know but not see much of it. She bought Beth a pink sweater for Christmas. I wore it one evening around the house. Later when she asked me 'Where this was going' we also discussed that and I discovered it was't her intention that I wear it around the house. It was her way of telling me she is trying to accept.
So when I sit with my head in my hands and and wonder 'where is this going' In all honesty and with all due respect, I don't know. I just don't want to cause any pain, because I love her. Thanks for your reply. Beth

[Joy Carter]

Hello Kathy!
No bubble bursting here! In fact I asked for and welcome your comments.
I know that they are reasonable questions. And my 'I don't know' is not meant to be a flippant response. I spent much time in denial and with my wifes help, I have started to accept myself as I am. We , my wife and I are in new territory. It has been less than a year since she became aware of my cding. And my honesty to her allowed me to be honest with me as well. So instead of purging before I got caught, I was asked about what was going on, and I came clean. The highs and lows are less and the emotional turmoil has started to ease. The confusion, however remains.
As to compassion, I have had 50 years to try to deal with all of this, and she had it all drooped on her in a day. I don't need to be a genius to understand the difficulty in that. That she is still with me, reminds me of what a wonderful person she is. Its not me and my cding against her and her acceptance of me.
It is my hope that we work together.
Your hard boundaries are in effect here. I do not want to add or subtract any parts. I can tell her with certainty that I do not want any augmentation. That I will not take my sox of in Yoga class. That I am not going to present as a woman full time. Sometimes I misunderstand her comfort level. At this time I think she would rather know but not see much of it. She bought Beth a pink sweater for Christmas. I wore it one evening around the house. Later when she asked me 'Where this was going' we also discussed that and I discovered it wasn't her intention that I wear it around the house. It was her way of telling me she is trying to accept.
So when I sit with my head in my hands and and wonder 'where is this going' In all honesty and with all due respect, I don't know. I just don't want to cause any pain, because I love her. Thanks for your reply. Beth


We have an agreement of a sorts. I don't dress around her and she doesn't get upset over it. It took us six weeks for her to realize this is what has been bugging me all my life. We are much happier now because my lows are not so noticeable now. We talk more and she appears to be happy with this arrangement. Just the pain she went through over me wanting to dress, Is so unforgivable in my heart. That I try every day to make it up to her. It was a chance I had to take or stay depressed over myself the rest of my life.

Thanks for putting up this thread Bgirl. :hugs:

[bgirl]

I think your wife should be forgiven for being unnerved by your change of personality given that she "married a man" etc. It might be 'you' and it might have always been there, but by comparison, she may think she was Cleopatra in another life and you'd have difficulties coming to terms with her bathing is asses milk every day.


"Where's this going to end? You're not going to buy a camel are you?"

She marries a man and finds out years later he's a nutjob who wears women's clothing and doesn't know if he is alan or alice?

I'd find that unnerving.

I'm sure it did unnerve her, after all, it unnerved me. It took me a long long long long time to start to accept myself. So It only follows that it will take her awhile.
About the asses milk, will it make me beautifull?

[TxKimberly]

Yup, but the bad news is she is right and we don't have much of a leg to stand on. All we can do is treat our wives well and hope that at the least, she can overlook this in favor of your better traits.
Got to tell you, I've been thinking on this a lot as of late and I think I'm falling down on the job, and have been for some time. I need to back my happy a$$ up and take my wife out for a few nights that are geared around making HER feel like a lady.

Kim (the bad hubby)

[Sheila]

Kim (the bad hubby)

you can't be that bad hun you is thinking of her ---------- now just go do :D and enjoy

Jess

[jozee]

two cliches come to mind 1: never judge a book by its cover
2: beauty is only skin deep
one qupte from the bible : judge not yest ye be judged.

any opinion based on looks, or wear isnt worth squat, irregardless of the source.

[EricaCD]

Exactly. I am not a woman, I am a crossdresser. I have no interest in changing my gender, my sexual orientation, or even my presented gender for periods of more than a few hours.

I can certainly understand the confusion of many of our spouses and SOs. And I would never indulge the wishful thinking that no crossdressers are bi, gay, transsexual, or simply using their crossdressing to indulge in sexual behavior that is not appropriate to their relationship. At the same time, not all CDs think or feel this way. Many of us turn out to be rather boring even in our trans interests! LOL

There is plenty of room for healthy inquiry, and a crucial need for us, as CDs, to be as honest with ourselves and our loved ones as we can. At the same time, there is a reciprocal need for us to have our SOs understand that yes, indeed, sometimes our crossdressing can be taken at face value----and yes, it's still a man that she married!

Erica