Is the feeling one of certainty or one of strength?

[Lisa Maren]

I have a question for those of you who are TS, did not always "know" from the start, and do "know" now.

Notice the quotes!

My question is this: when you get to the point where you've "resolved" your gender identity confusion, is the feeling one of certainty or does it feel more like a strong, weighty or abiding feeling?

I guess I'm wondering how one knows when one has "arrived" at the "answer" one seeks?

Hugs,
Lisa

[Stephenie S]

I think most would say you will know it when you feel it.

That's probably not the answer you want, but for me, I have known all my life. There were just some periods where I thought I could "cure" it or that it would just go away.

Steph

[melissaK]

I guess I'm wondering how one knows when one has "arrived" at the "answer" one seeks?

"You will know when it is time to leave when you can snatch the pebble from my hand" . . . Dontcha wish it worked like that? (I am so a child of pop culture).

I'm not sure I'm who your Q is aimed at. For me, I know the answer. I've always known the answer. I've never liked the answer. . . . because it's a hard answer. Dam it, I'm a princess and life should be easier!

I mean really, Chritine Jorgensons book came out in 1967/68 and I 'knew' immediately it was about someone like me. Until then, I didn't 'know' what I was. Then, consciously admitting that to myself - well that took for freaking ever as I spent years as a tour guide going up and down that Eygyptian River. So, what Q did you want answered?

Hugs,
'lissa

[Helen in OK]

Lisa,

I guess I am one of those you are directing the question to. At the age of 56 I took an online gender identity test. I took this test to try to get a better definition of what kind of a man I was. I was a classic example of "a man with a feminine side", and I was tired of that phrase. I never thought that perhaps there was a woman trapped inside.

When I got the diagnosis, I immediately knew on an intellectual level, it was correct, because it explained why I felt I was being pulled in two different directions at the same time, all of the time. Emotionally, I rejected the diagnosis, and fought acceptance for 8 long horrible weeks. I was literally in tears most of each day. I got to where I could not think of anything further into the future than trying to get to the end of that hour.

Finally I broke down, again while crying, and uttered 4 simple words "I am a Woman" and it felt like a tremendous weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I now have a sense of peace and tranquility I thought I would only feel upon my death bed.

Does this help any?

Helen in OK

[ToyGirl]

When it is the unavoidable truth that consumes your every thought.

[Lisa Maren]

Okay:

The question is for people who are "clear on their gender identity", pretty much meaning transsexuals (pre/post/nonop are all welcome).

The question I would like answered is, "When you first understood that you were transsexual, was it something you knew with certainty or was it something you felt with all of your heart and to hell with logic and analysis?"

I guess I figure that when one is confused about something there are only a few possible reasons for that:

1) Not enough information (meaning one does not have all of the information)
2) Some of the information one has is unclear (meaning enough information is present, but the meaning of some portion of the information remains unclear)
3) One is looking at the information in entirely the wrong way (perhaps too biased towards one answer, perhaps too focused on one particular question that has an inadequate answer)
4) One is "on vacation" aboard a blissful cruise on That Egyptian River.

Frankly, (especially after the list above) I do think that I sometimes (at the very least) I analyze things too much. While I do feel my emotions quite strongly and I love my emotions because they make life infinitely richer, perhaps I give short shrift to "emotional or intuitive evidence".

Maybe it's because of my male upbringing or maybe it's because my father is an attorney and thus, obviously, evidence oriented.

Then again, maybe it's because my parents are both know-it-all personality types (I am not exaggerating either; I've known them nearly 35 years) and so if they feel unclear on anything then there is something to be explained, period.

Helen, the thought that I may be female on the inside (and that is my tentative conclusion) does make me emotional. I've taken the online COGIATI twice. The first time it indicated possible transsexual and the second time in indicated probable transsexual.

ToyGirl, my feminine side, or figuring it out, has been preoccupying me the point that I've done little or no school work in a week or so (I'm in a PhD Psychology program, aspiring to help others like myself have an easier time than I did). Is that what you mean?

I seem to go back and forth between confusion and "Who am I kidding? I'm a girl!"

Anyway, thank you for the replies so far!

Hugs,
Lisa

[Scotty]

When it is the unavoidable truth that consumes your every thought.

That's as short and sweet as you can put it.

[AmberTG]

I don't think you can ever know with a logical certainty that you are TG/TS. It really is an emotional knowlege. Logic is such a male "lack of emotion" decision making device, and it works great for investing money or fixing a car, but it's useless for affairs of the heart and inner feelings, being TG is not a logical thing which makes it easy to continue to float down that big river in Africa like a dead leaf when you try to apply logic to it. It really makes no sense from a logical viewpoint. It's only when you step back from your logic and allow that emotional thought process, the one that guys are so afraid of using, to work on the issue do you see it for what it is. Most "men" cannot do that, even if powerfully transgendered, because they've been tought from an early age not to use that thought process.
That's why a good gender therapist can be so helpful in sorting it all out. They know the right questions to ask and let your mind work on, they know how to get past the denial to the "heart" of the issue. My therapist is not a gender specialist, but she sure knew the right questions to ask me that I had to come up with my own answers to. She has treated other TG people, but it's not her specialty. She has never told me what I should think, she has gotten me past my own guilt and shame and depression over this so that I could see myself more clearly. Without therapy, I personally would not be where I am in my acceptance of who and what I am. For me, it took someone outside my little world to help me, everyone I know would have an opinion that skews their "advice"
Sorry,I tend to get "long winded" on stuff like this.
Amber

[CaptLex]

That's why a good gender therapist can be so helpful in sorting it all out. They know the right questions to ask and let your mind work on, they know how to get past the denial to the "heart" of the issue. My therapist is not a gender specialist, but she sure knew the right questions to ask me that I had to come up with my own answers to. She has treated other TG people, but it's not her specialty. She has never told me what I should think, she has gotten me past my own guilt and shame and depression over this so that I could see myself more clearly. Without therapy, I personally would not be where I am in my acceptance of who and what I am. For me, it took someone outside my little world to help me, everyone I know would have an opinion that skews their "advice".
Amber beat me to it - I was going to suggest a gender therapist, if you don't have one already. I figured it out by myself (but back then I was in denial about needing a therapist too), and then went to the therapist to help me figure out what to do about it (transition or not), but it would have been better if I had gone to him to help me answer the big question in the first place. Of course, he wouldn't have told me if I'm TS or not, just like he couldn't tell me whether to transition or not, but he asks me the right questions that steer me clear of my confusion and to the answers I'm looking for.

I don't know that my situation would help you, but I'll share if you like. I knew I was unequivocably a boy when I was 4, and pretty soon figured out I had no choice but to live as a girl (especially knowing my parents), so I suppressed it for a very long time, although I've always described myself as having a male side. It took a change of hormones to make me realize I had more than a male side and to stop suppressing it, and when I knew without question again, I didn't want it because I didn't want to complicate my life. But I didn't have much of a life since I was suppressing and denying what I really was, so I'm taking the plunge to the other side now.

I hope you find the answers, Lisa.

[Josie06]

I think most would say you will know it when you feel it.

That's probably not the answer you want, but for me, I have known all my life. There were just some periods where I thought I could "cure" it or that it would just go away.

Steph

Lisa, I think Stephanie got it right, "you will know it when you feel it". At least in my mind.

Being born biologically male but your mind says "I'm female". At times screaming at you. I wrestled with myself for years and these two different beings wanting to possess me. I played the male cause it was expected of me, knowing it to be a lie.

About a dozen or so years ago I had my revelation, epiphany what ever you want to call it. It just finally hit me that I was a woman regardless of biology. That feeling just over took all the others in my mind, my spirit, my heart, my soul and my body. I can't tell you what sparked it, it just happened. No more conflict, no more wrestling with myself. Just me.

When you get there you are comfortable with your self and the 'outward' contradiction. You finally feel right. Then you decide how to proceed from there. This was my experience. Some may need a counselor/therapist to help get there, than again some not.

I do know that once you get there you will need a therapist to move on and transition, if that is your goal. It is mine.

Good luck.

[Maggie Kay]

I have thought about this issue for countless hours. I know that I am not a male. This is totally clear to me. Always knew that I was not like the other guys. Never fit in, could not understand their interactions and hated roughhousing. Does this mean that I am female? I was raised as a male by a single mother who hated men. She formed my psyche to be fearful of men and maleness. While she did not go so far as to force me to be a girl, she made it known that I was supposed to be one. Because my formative years were riddled with gender confusion, I have had gender related problems my whole life. I have identified that my true gender is hidden beneath a web of lies and burdens placed on me by her and society. I suppose that given enough time and money with a therapist, I could separate them and find out what I really am. As far as mental characteristics go, I'm female. I was a stay at home Mr. Mom for most of my daughters childhood. I gravitate towards women's activities and spend all my time with females. I want to be able to fit in totally with them but there is a barrier of my physical gender.

I wonder if it is like the weight of the evidence.

I act like a female.
I think like a female.
I dress like a female.
I prefer to socialize with females.
I avoid men's groups because I do not fit in.
I find the typical male chatter boring and at times, offensive.
I find physical maleness repulsive and frankly, ugly.
I have taken hormones and anti-androgens to feminize myself for seven years.


On what other basis can I determine what gender I am? DO I need to be hit over the head with it?

[Siobhan Marie]

I can say hand on heart that throughout my life I didn't feel "right" inside. I've always felt female and wanted to be female but didn't know why, this plagued me right through puberty and through my teenage years, when I was 19, I came to within 3 days of commiting suicide and ending it all. I didn't because when it came down to it, I just couldn't leave my family, they are all that I have (I'm an only child). Only recently did I realise what and who I am and just before Christmas I accepted and made peace with what and who I am and I can honestly say that I feel so much better inside now than I have done for such a long time.

:hugs: Anna Marie x

[Calliope]

It's been a funny process for me. A lot of my life (I'm now 47) has been a "woman's life" only "dressed like a guy." Once I saw it all, there was the flash. Of course, there was all the usual stuff - getting into mom's clothes as a child, reading about TS in my teen years, dressing for periods of time. But now I see all those "other times" (as a "guy") - raising the kids, for example - was really the indication. And, then, I had to realize the SO was living in an inverted gender, too. Like I said, funny.

[melissaK]

I had to realize the SO was living in an inverted gender, too. Like I said, funny.

Yeah, my second wife and I lived those crazy reversed roles too. I was better with the kids, she was better with the money; I was better with housework, she was better betting football. Only with time did we come to see we were both tour guides on that Eygyptian riverboat. 14 years as tour guides. Lot of water went down that river. Sigh. (Is there an emoticon for that?). Today she's in a lesbian realtionship with pretty clear ftm issues. And me, I'm trying to retire as that tour guide . . . . they gotta have some sort of pension for me, dontcha think? :heehee:

Hugs,
'lissa

[MJ]

quote :- The question I would like answered is, "When you first understood that you were transsexual, was it something you knew with certainty or was it something you felt with all of your heart and to hell with logic and analysis?

you ask a very good question there, for me i always knew with certainty that I should have been born a girl always...
the problem is switching from guy to girl for so very long i hid from myself untill i could not live the lie, and dealing with the family and friends over this

[ToyGirl]

Okay:
ToyGirl, my feminine side, or figuring it out, has been preoccupying me the point that I've done little or no school work in a week or so (I'm in a PhD Psychology program, aspiring to help others like myself have an easier time than I did). Is that what you mean?


It must be difficult being a psychologist and your own patient? I don't envy you there.

Do you wake up and your first thought it is remembering your not a girl. Do you fall to sleep wishing/praying and planning to be a girl. Does every thought in between those have something to do with gender and your place in the world.

It was/is like being a drug addict. Nothing in life is higher in priority.

Are you living life for yourself , do your reasons to transition out weigh those against. Will you die with regret. Are you waiting for something ?

I had a series of events between being born and transition that helped me make my choices. In that i felt pressured by society to transition, but it was not something i disliked , it was a gentle push towards inner peace and what i allready knew. Im sure some people feel pressure to not transition an it's an aspect of being TS that i dont often or ever see discussed.

[Calliope]

And me, I'm trying to retire as that tour guide . . . . they gotta have some sort of pension for me, dontcha think? :heehee:



Hell yeh!

And pensions for homemakers, too!

[Ms. Donna]

I guess I'm wondering how one knows when one has "arrived" at the "answer" one seeks?

Camus said: "One recognizes one's course by discovering the paths that stray from it."

We find the answers by process of elimination - by filtering out all that which does not work for us. All the preconceptions, the opinions of others - after wading through it all, we finally come to a point where we just know what it right. The hard part is actually accepting the 'answers'. Quite often, despite all evidence to the contrary, we simply cannot do it - and so we hang on the edge indefinitely.


The question is for people who are "clear on their gender identity", pretty much meaning transsexuals (pre/post/nonop are all welcome).

One need not be TS to be 'clear' on their gender identity. I know crossdressers who are quite clear in their gender identity. And non-trans people can have questions and doubts as much as transpeople do. Again, it's a matter of doing the homework and digging deep into yourself and accepting what you find - even if it's not what you were expecting.

It sounds trite, but you'll know when you know.

That doesn't mean that you never stop questioning / growing / evolving. It means that you accept that your identity is something dynamic and it will change over time... And feeling you have now - that you are so sure of - may one day no longer fit. You are not the same person you were ten years ago: it only stands to reason than ten years on, you'll not be the person you are today.

IMO, there is no true 'resolution' to being trans. We simply learn how to integrate this into our lives in a positive way and get on with living as best as we can.

Regards,
Donna

[Lisa Maren]

"About a dozen or so years ago I had my revelation, epiphany what ever you want to call it. It just finally hit me that I was a woman regardless of biology. That feeling just over took all the others in my mind, my spirit, my heart, my soul and my body. I can't tell you what sparked it, it just happened. No more conflict, no more wrestling with myself. Just me."

Well put, Josie. That is what I wish to feel. I feel pretty sure I am not male. I can't stand much of what being male seems to be all about. I find myself silently responding to certain acts or words of a guy with thoughts along the lines of, "how typically male!"

I've been into analyzing my dreams for the past couple of weeks and I am seeing, in my dreams, certain parts of me depicted as female. In a dream a week or so back, I dreamed of a mannequin, a female mannequin, dressed in casual female clothing. Evidently a mannequin is an extension of yourself, a way of looking at yourself from kind of an outside point of view. This dream, then, means that I am or that I see myself as female. In my most recent dream, I saw a figure I thought was androgynous at first, but then I got closer and knew the figure was female, just athletic. She even had a name, which was Julie (and that was the second dream in which a part of me was depicted with that name). At one point, she was wearing blue and that's supposed to mean that she's my inner guide, but I also feel that Julie represents my inner strength and self-confidence (I think). At the end of that dream, she and I were swimming in a dark pool of water (representing my emotions and my exploration of them). We were at peace. While we were swimming I saw her swimsuit, which looked like a Speedo one-piece endurance suit, with a blue and black "swirly" pattern on it. Black represents the unknown or mystery and blue represents your inner guide. So, there's my inner guide exploring my emotions with me and both of us feeling peaceful while we're doing so.

I guess I'm on my way.

Maybe I should change my name to Julie. :heehee: I can't wait to see Julie return to my dreams. :love: But I know there's a time for each next step and she'll be back when it's time. :)

Thanks for all of your replies!

Hugs,
Lisa (or maybe Julie?)

[janelle]

My :2c: ;
For me i have always been asking myself what was wrong with me. After talking with a shrink & having it told to me that having feelings like this were ok & it hurt no one that i should be who "I" believe i am. Thus i started dressing all the time. So then after breaking down all the rules that guys do this & girls do that i saw the real me. I knew than because the weight & stress that i carried went away. Yes a new kind of stress has taking its place of being accepted but this is me & if you(people i know) can't handle it that is your problem. Maybe this sounds selfess but life is to short to please everyone but yourself.
So I guess i would say once you accept yourself & breakdown what the world says so be, you will know who you are.
:hugs: :love: Janelle

[gerdani8]

My question is this: when you get to the point where you've "resolved" your gender identity confusion, is the feeling one of certainty or does it feel more like a strong, weighty or abiding feeling?


Lisa[/QUOTE]

Hi Lisa,

Read your question and all the responses in this thread. WOW! Talk about deja vu...

I remember going thru the same things many mentioned here: Feeling "different" inside. Didn't know what was wrong with me. Thought I surely must be the only person with these feelings.

Then, one day when I was 48 y/o, I reached the point of "Self-Acceptance". On that day, I looked at myself in the mirror and said, "Okay. This is WHAT you are. This is the WAY you are. Now, learn to live with it!"

And I did.

When you have that feeling of self-acceptance, then you will know. The only way I can describe the feelings after the day mentioned above, it that it felt as tho a big weight had been lifted from my shoulders.

Now here it is February 2007. I have been living as Gerri since August 1996. Would I ever go back to what I was before? No.

I am comfortable with myself now. There is no more pressure on me like before. My sister asked me a few months after my second heart attack had put me in the hospital in 1999 if living as I did contributed to the MI. I replied, "No. If anything, now that I am 'out' and everyone knows, and I know, I have less stress. No more trying to live two different lives."

I believe we all reach a period where we become comfortable with who we are. You will know it when you do. As Reba says in the theme song of her show, "Who I am is who I want to be! I'm a survivor!"

Gerri