Mixed messages from my wife

[Salina]

My wife has known about my CDing for all 12 years of our marriage. I told her before we married and was fortunate she decided it wasn't a deal breaker. Over the course of our marriage she has participated some, been dead set against it, been ok with it as long as I do it on my own.....from what I've read here, "normal" stuff. The last few months I have tried to open the door to more communication and told her I'd love for her to be more a part of this. She has told me "I can do that", "I'll give you a manicure and pedicure" I'll apply makeup". The problem is, she won't follow through. She has backed out a few times, the latest being tonight. I don't feel like I'm pressuring her...I always tell her this is something she shouldn't feel pressured to do. She knows I am first and foremost a man, her husband, her lover, partner in life, but I have a feminine side to my personality as well that needs to be expressed. Anyways, I feel like she's sending mixed messages.....says she'll participate....then doesn't. I'm beginning to feel she's telling me what she thinks I want to hear.

I don't want to stop communicating, get angry, resentful,...etc. Any advice, suggestions, words of wisdom from the GG's, and ladies who have been through similar situations with their wives and SO's would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Salina

[DonnaT]

Been there. 31+ years. I want her to participate, to be a part of this, she's tried, but she can only go so far nowadays.

She says she'll participate in some fashion, because she loves you.

But she can't bring herself to follow through, because it's not in her nature.

So, now that you know what will happen, don't ask for her to help, don't ask for her participation. She's just too uncomfortable with it.

If she says she wants to help, without your asking, then tell her "Thanks, but you don't have to. I understand it's uncomfortable for you. But if you really want to, meet me in the [bedroom]."

If she doesn't participate, at least be thankfull she lets you indulge.

[marie354]

Women always have and always will change their minds about things a lot.
I wouldn't worry too much about it. After five years with my GF, she just came out with it... Why don't you dress more oftin when you're home. I promptly went into the bedroom and put on a dress, came back out and asked... Like this... Is this OK. She said sure and eventually helped me with my makeup and hair and stuff.
It takes time to adjust to the "shock value" of what we do and some women have a real hard time of it.
They keeping asking theirselves... Will he leave me one day for another man?
Will he taper off with me in bed? Will he start going to clubs like that.... and so on.
It doesn't seem to matter how much you try to reassure her, it just takes time, and some women can never cope with it.
I had to hide it, even though she knew about me from the third date, till about two months ago.
This site helps with self esteem as well as other issues that pop up.
Be patient is about all I can say.
:hugs:

[caryn m]

i totall agree with donna wy wife of 30 years has tried to help me on several times ie we go for pedicures and manicures together but she wont let me get colours yet she helps me shopping but doesnt care if i wear the items we buy she trys hard but a good catholic girl has her limits.

[Rachel Morley]

Here's my wife's article on this. Others have told both her and me it was helpful.
It's called "Now I Like It, Now I Don’t: Understanding the Acceptance Pendulum"

http://crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=12890

[Amy Hepker]

Been there, done that. Chances are she does not want to do it and is hoping that it will just be forgotten (little chance of that) or that something will come up where you don't get to do it. Chances are if she doesn't suggest it, then it won't happen.

[Nataliecan]

You might find something that she really like which she may be shy to talk about. For example, maybe she would enjoy being your dominatrix, play Forced feminization scenario, wear latex, leather, corset...you know what I mean. The fact is if you succeed to trigger some pleasure point in her mind...she might be the one that tell you to dress up more often.

Tell me if I'm wrong.

Natalie

[Makina]

We used to have this problem before, but now my wife does about what she promised. But I have to keep in my mind these things :

- when I dream my wife is a part of my crossdressing, it's a dream, the dream of my wife doesn't act the same way as my wife in the real world, even if she does everything I ask her. When my makeup is not great, she tells me. When something is wrong, she tells me and she looks at me as a disguised man. It is HER way to participate.

- the first time she made pictures, I didn't feel ok, and she didn't too, because we weren't used to doing it. We almost had an argument about that. In fact I wanted her to take pictures, but I wasn't prepared to the reality. I'm not a model, I don't know how to act. We had to learn together, to speak together. She didn't know how to take pleasure taking pictures. Then she watched a report about sexy calendars, then she found a way to play taking pictures.

- if I show her I don't like the way she's participating (bad remarks from her, wanting to change my CD habits), she won't make more effort. She knows I found a balance when crossdressing. She won't help me if I don't appreciate her help, because she wants me to have the best day as possible when I crossdress. So we found together how she could participate, making us at ease. She don't participate to makeup a lot, but, she does for epilation, finding clothes, buying makup and jewels, taking pictures, learning me how to move as a girl.

- sometimes, I'm quite embarassed about my crossdressing. I feel culpability, fear about being outed, fear about beeing watched with disgust by my wife, etc . I feel all that, even if I LOVE crossdressing. I can't ask my wife, who have not real pleasure about my crossdressing (except the fact she wants me to be happy, and it's a great complicity time), to be more easy with my crossdressing that I am.

- when my wife tells me "I will do that", I have to show her I love the idea. Then I have to tell her again, for example : "this WE I'm crossdressing, are you still ok for a photo shoot ? For example saturday morning, my makup won't be messed, or sunday afternoon ?" I repeat more that one time, and I tell her her help will be great. If she tells me she's not sure I will appreciate her help, I tell her I will at least appreciate sharing this time with her.

[Tracy_Victoria]

My wife has known about my CDing for all 12 years of our marriage. I told her before we married and was fortunate she decided it wasn't a deal breaker. Over the course of our marriage she has participated some, been dead set against it, been ok with it as long as I do it on my own.....from what I've read here, "normal" stuff. The last few months I have tried to open the door to more communication and told her I'd love for her to be more a part of this. She has told me "I can do that", "I'll give you a manicure and pedicure" I'll apply makeup". The problem is, she won't follow through. She has backed out a few times, the latest being tonight. I don't feel like I'm pressuring her...I always tell her this is something she shouldn't feel pressured to do. She knows I am first and foremost a man, her husband, her lover, partner in life, but I have a feminine side to my personality as well that needs to be expressed. Anyways, I feel like she's sending mixed messages.....says she'll participate....then doesn't. I'm beginning to feel she's telling me what she thinks I want to hear.

I don't want to stop communicating, get angry, resentful,...etc. Any advice, suggestions, words of wisdom from the GG's, and ladies who have been through similar situations with their wives and SO's would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

Salina

Hi Salina

I'm much in the same boat, My partner raksha knows about my dressing, she is a member here, reads my posts, I told her about my dressing and we can talk about how we both feel. dispite her knowing all about me, my dressing and everything else, she still can not bear to see me dressed, infact in nearly 15 years together now, she has seen me dressed just 3 times.

The problem is not one of her making, but her inner self, seeing me dressed as a female, damages her thoughts and feeling toward Dave (ie the real me) this isn't something either of us want, and therefore dispite her very best efforts to see me fully enfem will damage what we do have if either of us force the situation.

I've found it much eaiser to deal with by accepting Raksha and Tracy probably will never be in the same room again, but that doesn't mean either of us have stopped trying. ie I continue to dress, she reads my posts, reads my comments and views on this, she know I have a picture in my profile which I change regularly, we talk, she gives me space to do my thing when I need to, and a couple of days ago, we even chatted via MSN and I was using Tracy's log in which I use occationally to talk to friends from here!

It might sound a little daft, but it all helps, we just keep chipping away at that inner fear, rather than bowl in and damage everything we have? also I have found things go much smooth when I bend to suit them, over her and the kids (which don't know) bend to suit me. One day we might get to sharing this, but if not, Id rather continue as we are, over damaging what we do have.

Good Luck

[Tracy_Victoria]

You might find something that she really like which she may be shy to talk about. For example, maybe she would enjoy being your dominatrix, play Forced feminization scenario, wear latex, leather, corset...you know what I mean. The fact is if you succeed to trigger some pleasure point in her mind...she might be the one that tell you to dress up more often.

Tell me if I'm wrong.

Natalie

and she might just tell you to .................

I just can't believe you can feel that would help! "Hi hun, i'm home! Oh by the way I want to dress as a woman, and then I want you to dominate me!"
is it little reason some woman just don't get this and run away!!

Actually talking and more to the point (listening) will help more, over introducing a host of different fantasies that you want, that she probably has no interesting what so ever!

[Sheila]

I know this probably won't help much but if it even helps a little.....

Perhaps your wife while appearing to give yiu mixed messages is really trying force herself to do these things for you because she loves you, but at the last minute is unable to push her comfort zone bounderies. I know that in the past I have done this and it has had bad reaction later, just keep talking hun with love and patience, I know it must be difficult but who said loving was easy?????, and you appear to love your wife very much

:hugs: Jess

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

i think ( as jess has said ), its maybe she's frightened she will loose you if she doesnt pretened to like what your doing, but deep down she isnt to happy with whats going on with your c/d. again, like so many times is said, you need to sit down and talk, or go for a walk , somewhere neutral, where your away from house.
we tend to sometimes sheild things , which are hiding other issues as well, so really talking to her might make you both open up and find out what her issues with your c/d is. alot of it is we SO's GG's hate the "secretiveness " of it, and sometimes the "selfishness", theres so many things that go through our heads, and often as not its better just to tolerate it, than cause arguments.
i hope you can resolve this probs, :hugs:

[mylitta]

Just my view- and I'm not saying it is the same for anyone else, but my feelings do change from one day to another- one day I can feel fine, and accepting and ready to participate, like your wife says, and then another day I am completely freaked out by it all. I realise that makes it hard for my partner as well as me, and all I can do is try to talk about my feelings as much as I understand them. I think the 'mixed messages' thing is not uncommon. Just keep the lines of communication open, and don't push too hard- she is obviously trying.

[Sandra]

i think ( as jess has said ), its maybe she's frightened she will loose you if she doesnt pretened to like what your doing, but deep down she isnt to happy with whats going on with your c/d.

Yep this does happen I was like this and it does cause problems, you have to get her to be open and honest with you even if it means her coming clean and saying she doesn't like it. if this happens it's not the end of the world, try doing what we did, I was given control of Nigella's dressing and it worked out fine for us so much so that she dresses 24/7 now.

[raksha GG]

As Tracy has said, I sometimes find myself behaving in a very similar way, and yes, pushing the boundaries hasn't been good for our relationship, so, like your wife OP, I closed down a bit. But after thinking long and hard, I realised there wasn't anything in it for ME - I do all the caring in the household - cooking, cleaning, etc, and now here I was, offering to do more caring for a grown adult........ SO - we devised a work around - we BOTH get manicures/facials whatever - I do his, he does mine (And I think we're just about due another one soon huh TV?) I'm a 'dog trainer' by trade, and when we want a dog to keep doing something we like, we make sure it's rewarding for them - makes them feel 'warm and fuzzy' - maybe she's not getting the 'warm and fuzzies' from you, and she's asking herself *why*?

Don't forget chaps - if your wife goes out of her way to accomodate you, it's nice to make sure she knows how much she is appreciated in return, you never know how powerful a tool that might be.

[Salina]

Thanks for the responses. Angel, the article by your wife was very good and helped open my eyes to what may be going on in her mind. Raksha, I do help around the house quite a bit, today as a matter of fact while she's at work I'll be cleaning, doing laundry, and a working on a project. All while dressed of course! You do make a great point though, why should she participate if there's nothing in it for her. We did talk some this morning and the communication is still ongoing , so that's a positive. Natiliecan, I've tried suggesting the dominatrix scenario and that's a huge turnoff for her. Despite my disappointment over last night, she is an awesome wife and I love her very much. I know this isn't easy for her. As long as we are communicating and honest it'll all be good no matter the outcome. Thanks again for all the good suggestions.

Salina