a stash found, fallout unknown

[sandra-leigh]

While I was napping yesterday, my wife found one of my stashes (I currently have six of various sizes at home, and a couple in other places). I am not certain yet which one she found; best guess is a suitcase of minor stuff that mostly held dirty laundry... panties, tights, one top maybe. There's a chance that she found a couple of jackets and a dress; I don't know yet.

She didn't say much; that she'd found some odd things downstairs, and that maybe they were for "Cosplay" (a Japanese term that is short for "costume play", usually centered around Anime or Manga characters), and that she'd show me later. It happened that she woke me up, so I didn't actually answer, and she didn't press the issue at all. And she did not in fact raise the matter later.

When she came to talk to me, she wanted to be cuddled a bit, and said a couple of times, "Be nice to me." I don't know yet what she meant by that. Her tone was not at all angry; possibly the closest would be "Sigh, you're weird yet again! Keep reassuring me that you love me and I'll try to deal with it."

I guess I must have left enough hints over the last couple of years that she didn't assume that it was Another Woman. If it was indeed the dirty laundry she found, then probably AW wouldn't have been the first reaction: that kind of reaction would have been more likely if she'd found the jacket, coat and dress.

Note in this context that I've been wearing plain panties in her presence for the last two years or so, without ever saying that they are womens' panties (I have some in the same styles that are designed for men); indeed, she said a few weeks ago that the panties look better on me than traditional Mr. Briefs type do; she worries mostly about them possibly being nylon and so "not as good for you" (not as breathable) as cotton. I'm really not sure if she ever realized most of them are womens'. I guess she might now :o


Possibly the most embarassing part of the evening for me was when I noticed the makeup stains I'd left on the cover; she didn't recognize what they were, fortunately.

When I'm in public or by myself, I'm not embarassed by what I do, but telling my wife is harder :(


Yes, I know some will say this is a great opportunity to throw open the topic and get everything out in the open, but that doesn't feel quite right to me at the moment. I'm not going to deny anything, but I also don't want to do Too Much Information; and I know she has some family matters on her mind that are more important than my dressing.

[Kitty Sue]

Hope everything works out okay.

[Joy Carter]

Each situation is different, but have you really considered telling her ? It sounds like she knows you dress because of the weired comment. We/SHE went through about six weeks of hell ( she didn't say a word for the first three weeks). She ended up on antidepressants (should have been on them anyway) and we had many one sided arguments (if that's possible). I never responded to her rage/insults and just put the things she said away for a time when she is more willing to talk. We are now in a "she's acknowledged me " truce now. She got a little down yesterday, when I asked her about washing a sweater, I had gotten mascara on. It's is much better now. I'm so sorry for hurting her but I was not getting any better. I'm feeling fine and she is doing better. She may never be supportive but she knows it will not be going away. We love each other and that is something that had made this easier for us. Do take my story as advice to get the air cleared.

[Karren H]

Well so far it sounds very promissing for an acceptable outcome but don't go throwing the door open to fast and to far!! Could spring back and smack you in the face!! Hehe

Good luck...and take it slowely...

Love Karren

[ElleCD]

Tess

I think I know how you are feeling about this. My SO discovered some of my innocuous things a while ago. Not enough for full confirmation but enough to raise questions. I think, from your post, that your SO has a clearer idea about you than mine does about me. You are in that no man's (girls?) land betwen wanting to use this to be open between you and alternatively staying safely undiscovered until maybe you are ready for and understand the full impications of being open to your SO. There is nothing forcing the issue so yuo have a decision to make. Although your SO seems reatively laid back my feeling is you don't feel comfortable with this yet and I would recommend caution until you are surer.

Elle

[veronicagirl]

You know you're in trouble when she looks you straight in the eye and says, "WE have to talk". That means you shut up and listen. Luckily I've never had to do that with any cd issues....just a new boat motor.

[Michelle (Oz)]

Telling your wife is a tricky one and all situations are different. It seems though you have an opportunity now to talk to her. Research the sort of questions you will get and be prepared. Above all be honest. It is the deceipt that my wife felt most upset about. Once it's in the open you will have some tough times but overall, you will feel better about yourself and you may just underestimate her tolerance.

[Amy Hepker]

It sounds to me that she knows and wants to talk to you about it, but is unsure of how to approach you about it. Try talking, she sounds scared to say anything.

[JoAnnDallas]

Just alway remember if she starts using phases like.............

Women's Vocabulary...
Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".

Go Ahead - (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Soft Sigh - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

That's Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".

Please Do - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome".

Thanks A Lot - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing", which will lead to "Five Minutes" and end up with "Fine".

[Debra Lynn]

Sounds like she may know something is up, but doesn't plan to face the facts right now. As you say, there are family matters on her mind and those take precedence. The CD is a two of you thing, not the entire family is affected thing (at least not yet). If it has to do with the health of another family matter, then her mind is naturally there. If the time comes when she wants to know more, you seem to be on the right track by being truthful. You sound like you are following the wisest path through what can be a very dangerous minefield. Reassure her that your love is still there and continues to grow each day and she should respond to that assurance.:happy:

[SherriePall]

I have no advice for you, but I do wish the two of you the best as this plays out.

[sami1952]

My SO found my stuff one day when she was riding with me in my truck (being a truck driver) she didn't say nothing during the trip,she waited til we got home.That night in bed she told what she had found in the truck and ask if I was seeing someone else to which I replied no.I told her about my feelings and wanting to wear women's cloths.Then she ask if I was gay and I said no,I told her just because you like to wear women's cloths does not mean that your are gay,i went on and explained how long I had those feelings,next day we went and bought my own panties,bra, and my first dress.So don't give up hope,she didn't raise hell or got bad she was just glad that it wasn't some other women.

[susie evans]

Patients And Caution

Susie

[Alice B]

For some time my wife knew something was different and that I liked to dress. I would openly wear make up at times (in the evening), dressed for holloween and recently painted my nails. Then I sold a computer to a friend (and our massage therapist) that had some images of me that I thought I had deleted. I had not and she discovered them and pointed them out to me. I went over and erased them, but felt it was time to open up to my wife because she sensed that something was different with our friend. I searched the internet for items on cross dressing and printed them out for my wife to read. I gave them to her and it took about three weeks for her to digest the:love: material. We had our first open discussion last night and I'm sure more are to follow. She now openly knows that I like to dress, that it is not a threat to her and that I am in no way leaning toward being gay. It is now ok for me to dress when she is at work or out at night. She is not ready for me to do it in her presence, but ok to cross dress at home. It has relieved a lot of tension and has in no way hurt our love for each other. The moral - be open and discuss it. It is far better than the guilt you put on yourself by trying to be hidden.

[SandyR]

Yes, sounds like it should work out, but be careful, never know when that door will kick u in the butt!

Karen, love the Blonde curls!!!!! Rock on!

SandyR

[Lori SC]

Since this is a place for free advice, here's mine...:2c:

You're in trouble. Your wife found a stash of yours, and all you could do was pretend to be asleep on the couch napping. Later, even given time to reflect on it, you still didn't bring it up.

Unfortunately, your wife found something, and although she does not know exactly what it means, she knows something.... Now you are REALLY lying by omission.

Sure, you took the easy way out - at least for today. Now the thoughts are festering in her mind, and the situation is getting worse every day. By keeping silent, you are making things worse for youself - long term. You just don't have to face them today.

The worst that can happen if she knows is for her to divorce you. Guess what? She knows. So the worst is now possible.

If you cannot tell her, can't talk to her about it, what hope is there for you to have the serious, hours and hours of conversation to work this out? All the BS about family problems notwithstanding. The ONLY precedence any problem takes above a husband is one of kids. And I'm assuming the "family problem" is not one of the kids, or you would have mentioned that.

My advice, once you are found out, is to tell her all she cares to hear about it. Hey, wake up! The secret is out. Ignoring it won't make it go away.

Is it easy to say?

I'm a crossdresser.

No. But sometimes it takes a real man to be a woman.

Good Luck, Lori:chained:

[GinaVegas]

Good luck Tess.....hope that everything turns out OK.

[bobby-joe]

As a SO that discovered many stashes (and still does), my advice would be to talk to her. The more she is allowed to form her own views in her mind, without any discussion or explanation from you, the worse she will see it. Our minds stew on things and blow them up into gigantic proportions. I still cannot accept my hubbys CDing......my mind was left to stew for years..maybe I could not accept that I was not sexy enough for my hubby, that he had to dress up to feel good.

[kassi]

lol she prolly knows but doesn't fully know. the whole year before my husband finally told me i knew something was up. she might think something is wrong with her, or that you are planning to leave her which is prolly why she asked you to be gental. you need to just tell her. it may be eisier than you think. espically if she keeps finding your things. some stuff like the sheets she may have noticed and just didn't say anything. you need to be honest with her.
-kassi-

[sandra-leigh]

All the BS about family problems notwithstanding. The ONLY precedence any problem takes above a husband is one of kids. And I'm assuming the "family problem" is not one of the kids, or you would have mentioned that.

Well, perhaps if it was an acute problem with me, but it isn't. She's seen me wearing panties for years for sure (but might not have fully realized what they were), and she's caught me with some overlooked eye makeup on a couple of times, and a bit of nail-polish twice -- and I'm still here. On the other hand, she is having to be the primary organizer to deal with a family member whose health is not good, flying there and back every few weeks, working the health system remotely, setting up appointments, translating, financial forms, power of attorny, etc.. -- and trying to keep up with her job at the same time. It isn't the kind of situation where I feel that it is important to step in and say "Look at me, look at me! I'm a crossdresser, and I need you to deal with all that that means right now!"

[Sandra]

my advice would be to talk to her. The more she is allowed to form her own views in her mind, without any discussion or explanation from you, the worse she will see it. Our minds stew on things and blow them up into gigantic proportions.


:iagree:

Do try to talk to her she proably does have an idea but needs to hear from you.

[marie354]

My dad told me a story about talking to women once....
Just ask them if they want to make love. You'll either get slapped or have fun.
I believe this applies to crosdressing too. I've told some of my past GF's as well as my current one early in our relationship... Within the first few dates.
They either went on their merry way or we enjoyed it together.
But communication is a must! She'll have many, many questions.
:hugs:

[Tina B.]

The G.G.'s have spoken, and they all seem to say the same thing. to paraphrase Mark Twain, it is not what you don't know that gets you into trouble, It is what you know apsolutly and are Wrong about!!!
small assurances, and promises to talk when she is ready, is the least that is required at this point, otherwise she maybe going through a lot of unneccesary pain worrying about what is going at home while she is away.
And if you have said there is no other woman, there is not many things left for a suitcase of womens clothes, but CD'ing and many have no idea what theat means, and where the limits are.
Saying all that, I just hope you two find the way to except both of your feelings on this, and find real understanding!
Tina B.

[MJ]

While I was napping yesterday, my wife found one of my stashes (I currently have six of various sizes at home, and a couple in other places). I am not certain yet which one she found; best guess is a suitcase of minor stuff that mostly held dirty laundry... panties, tights, one top maybe. There's a chance that she found a couple of jackets and a dress; I don't know yet.

She didn't say much; that she'd found some odd things downstairs, and that maybe they were for "Cosplay" (a Japanese term that is short for "costume play", usually centered around Anime or Manga characters), and that she'd show me later. It happened that she woke me up, so I didn't actually answer, and she didn't press the issue at all. And she did not in fact raise the matter later.


When she came to talk to me, she wanted to be cuddled a bit, and said a couple of times, "Be nice to me." I don't know yet what she meant by that. Her tone was not at all angry; possibly the closest would be "Sigh, you're weird yet again! Keep reassuring me that you love me and I'll try to deal with it."

I guess I must have left enough hints over the last couple of years that she didn't assume that it was Another Woman. If it was indeed the dirty laundry she found, then probably AW wouldn't have been the first reaction: that kind of reaction would have been more likely if she'd found the jacket, coat and dress.

Note in this context that I've been wearing plain panties in her presence for the last two years or so, without ever saying that they are womens' panties (I have some in the same styles that are designed for men); indeed, she said a few weeks ago that the panties look better on me than traditional Mr. Briefs type do; she worries mostly about them possibly being nylon and so "not as good for you" (not as breathable) as cotton.
I'm really not sure if she ever realized most of them are womens'. I guess she might now :o
women are not stupid you know, she know the difference

Possibly the most embarassing part of the evening for me was when I noticed the makeup stains I'd left on the cover; she didn't recognize what they were, fortunately.
she has no idea what makeup looks like ? , she knows something is up
When I'm in public or by myself, I'm not embarassed by what I do, but telling my wife is harder :(



Yes, I know some will say this is a great opportunity to throw open the topic and get everything out in the open, but that doesn't feel quite right to me at the moment. I'm not going to deny anything, but I also don't want to do Too Much Information; and I know she has some family matters on her mind that are more important than my dressing.

yes i will tell you , when is there a right time ?. there never is . she is thinking
a . you have another woman?
b . this belongs to you
Tess.... do you have any idea what is going through your wife's head right now.. omg i counsel crossdressers ts tv and talk to S.O about there man's hobby
please tell her you cross dress she is under a lot of stress right now , and let her know you love her and that you are not gay thats the big question and be honest please
i hope you get the courage to talk to her
all the best
hugs Marissa
i also get from S.O there are far worse things my man can be doing ?

[Kelsy]

Just alway remember if she starts using phases like.............

Women's Vocabulary...
Fine - This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five Minutes - This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing - This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine".

Go Ahead - (With Raised Eyebrows!) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead - (Normal Eyebrows) This means "I give up" or "Do what you want because I don't care". You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh - This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Soft Sigh - Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

That's Okay - This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow".

Please Do - This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks - A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say "You're welcome".

Thanks A Lot - This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh" as she will only tell you "Nothing", which will lead to "Five Minutes" and end up with "Fine".


JoAnn !! This list will come in handy I hope you don't mind if I borrow it:happy:

Jennifer:D

[EricaCD]

I'd just note that if you think there is even a teeny tiny chance that your SO thinks the clothes are proof that you are having an affair, then you HAVE to come clean. Leaving her in the dark about crossdressing is one thing (I think it's a bad idea but there's no point rehashing that debate). But leaving her wondering if you are cheating is another.

Notwithstanding what we collectively think, to the overwhelming majority of the world finding clothing of the opposite sex where it shouldn't be is a sign of infidelity. And her actions suggest to me that she might be worried about that, NOT your crossdressing.

Just a thought.

[sandra-leigh]

I'd just note that if you think there is even a teeny tiny chance that your SO thinks the clothes are proof that you are having an affair, then you HAVE to come clean.

I don't think her thoughts are of a possible affair, but of course I won't be sure until such time as we do talk.

My best guess at the moment is that she's thinking of being something I do during self-pleasuring from time to time -- and that's a topic she doesn't talk to me about.

[Kristen Kelly]

Tess-Leigh you might not be ready to tell her for other reasons than you say here, myself I could not admit to others who I was until I could admit it to Myself looking back wish I could have. If she confronts you It will not be on your time, it is always better that you choose the time, I told my GF in July and we are still working out things, but the lines of communication are open, she accepted it much better than I thought she would have "love" wins out. She knows now I can share my deepest secerts with her and have total trust in her.