coming out : a failed opportunity...

[Michelle Ellis]

My dad conrnered me today...



M : (here's me moping around as usual)

Dad : What's going on? I can tell there's something wrong.

M : oh, nothing... I'm fine...

Dad : Well there's something wrong, I know somethings going on.

M : (silence) I'm depressed. (never said this before, I thought for a second I was about to finally 'do it')

Dad : why are you depressed?

M : (silence)

Dad : Is it work?

M : (silence)

Dad : Is it money?

M : No, no... nothing like that...

Dad : Well what then?

M : (more silence... and then I change the subject, my dad, frustrated, gives up) :(


How does anyone find the courage for this sort of thing?

I've always thought I'd just continue living, being miserable, untill I finally get fed up enough and spit it out. Well there it was, and there it went...

I've tried writing letters, that's not working either...

I'm just about totally committed to doing this... but I keep wondering what the hell am I doing? And why... maybe it's better to be miserable for the rest of my life... but of course I know better.

M

[Sharon]

It comes down to you just swallowing hard and just coming out and telling your family. What I did was mentally think of what I wanted to say to begin the conversation, then inviting them to my home and just coming out and praying for the best.:happy:

Don't write a note, it eliminates any possibility of replying to them when they most need answers and explanation. It only delays the true discussion at best, anyway. Don't even attempt to memorize a script to follow when you tell people about yourself -- it never seems to go the way you think it will, and you will have wasted energy. Just think of a few key thoughts to start the conversation with and just see how it goes and answer any questions they have.

And one last thing -- don't underestimate your family's love and support for you.:happy:

[Joy Carter]

Where here for you any time you need to talk.:hugs:

[Michelle Ellis]

Don't write a note, it eliminates any possibility of replying to them when they most need answers and explanation. It only delays the true discussion at best,

wow, such a good point... that may have stopped my letter writing dead in its tracks.

I guess I've always thought a letter is a great way of doing things because I can write everything I want for one big easy delivery. What a huge pill to swallow tho... it's taken me my whole life and I still don't think it's completely down...

M

[joanlynn28]

Don't underestimate your parents, when I told both my mom and dad when I was in a pyschiatrict hospital (my choice) it was the first time that I actually told them about my feelings and that I couldn't go on living as a male. That I had to transition to become a woman. To my surprise my dad told me that no matter what you still are our son and we both support you in whatever way you go. I have asked repeatedly if they still feel that way and to this day they still do. They still love their oldest child Joan and have accepted me as I am. They see how happy I am now, my mom did say she wondered why at a certain age I just closed up emotionally. When I look back it was about the time when all I could think about was being able to transition some day. Don't waste most of your own life staying closed up and afraid to show your true emotions. For your mental health it is not worth it. If you feel that you should be living your life as you feel it should be then be alls means do it.

[Michelle Ellis]

Thanks for sharing that Joan... I think you're right in the fact I have a family that would be supportive of me in any situation. Others have said nearly the same thing to me in the past... and I believe all of you... and I DO have a wonderful family...

I'm so close... and yet it still feels impossible. Everything is becomming surreal, I can't see or hear anything else. It's as if everything is shutting down except this *illogical* need to express myself to everyone as Michelle.

I'd say you can't understand(!) but of course you can... I want it dearly but I just can't see my future as such...

This has been going on for several months with me now, and I'm just going absolutely crazy!! Every morning is a battle to drag myself from bed because of it all.

And a big reason I think I haven't been posting is, this is all I seem to be able to say anymore. me me me... (sigh) I just can't keep going on like this... but I feel powerless to stop it.

I don't even know why I'm posting this... I've always been able to stop myself from sounding this pathetic in public before. LOL

M

[Lisa Golightly]

I used photographs of me... They couldn't deny it suited me :)

[Joy Carter]

...

I don't even know why I'm posting this... I've always been able to stop myself from sounding this pathetic in public before. LOL

No your far from pathetic. You are in fear of the unknown and you need support. We are here but we can't see each other, can't feel emotions. You have no accountability to us. Your family is different. Your face to face with the people you have know all your life. You know their thoughts and emotions. You know they have a high regard for you and love you. You are their pride and joy. You are in fear of disappointing them. This all comes home to you as you ponder what/how to tell them. How do you think your dad will take this? Has he ever spoken negatively of people who are different ? Your mom, is she an understanding person? Have they taken interest in what you have confided in them with? Have they been of help in a supportive way in the past? Once you get over this coming out to your parents. I think you will find it easy to accept who you are. Self acceptance is your only hope in getting over you depression. Believe me I know. Just take it slow and tell them when the time is right.

[Ms. Donna]

Coming out is a hugely personal thing: it is, first and foremost, something we do for ourselves. Given this, it is important that we do it when we feel ready and that we do it on our terms. That you said nothing this time simply means that the timing was not right: you weren't ready.

And that's ok. It is a frightening prospect - to sit down with your family (parents, siblings ... whomever) and share this part of yourself with no real way of knowing how it will go. A few things to consider:

What is it you want to communicate?
What do you hope to achieve by coming out?
What if it doesn't go as you had hoped?


Sharon is right on with reference to point #1. Have a good idea what you want to say and see how the conversation goes. Any type of 'scripting' will largely be a waste of time.

Point #2 & #3 are related and I've addressed my reasons before in a post to the thread Chat with Mom (http://crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=492301#post492301) - which borrows from my post to the thread signs of TS? (http://crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=464188#post464188) - which links to my thread Self Acceptance – A How to (get started) Guide (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=27586). All touch upon / address the same theme: acknowledgement.

When I had the 'chat' with my parents, I approached it from the standpoint of wanting acknowledgement: they may not accept me - but they will acknowledge me. Approaching it as I did allowed me to manage my own expectations, keeping false hopes to a minimum. You are likely to have other reasons instead of / in addition to these, but the questions still hold. Know what you want from coming out and be prepared for it not going well. It doesn't mean it will be a bust, but better to be prepared than not.

Yea, it's hard - and scary and a whole bunch of other emotions. But you sound like you're at that point...

Best of luck!

Regards,
Donna

[RobynM]

Only one piece of advice Michelle, pick up all your courage, gird your loins and tell your family now, this minute.
I know nothing about you but your post suggests you are fairly young. If you don't get things straight now you risk destroying your life.
I suspect I'm fairly typical of middle aged Transexuals, no correct advice or support available when it was needed 40 years ago - took all the wrong turns and spent half a life in denial. Take my word for it, you do not want a life like mine. There is no need for your life to be afflicted, there is so much information and support available now for you and your family and attitudes have changed dramatically in a short time
No matter how hard it seems, no matter what the immediate cost you must sort this out right now. Your life may depend on it.

[Rachel_740]

How does anyone find the courage for this sort of thing?

With great difficulty!

I told my brother first but that took numerous trips to see him, numerous plans that never happened, numerous frustrated departures (on my part), until one day I was driving him somewhere and while I was stopped at the traffic lights I just blurted it out.

From there I HAD to tell Mum (who I have always been closer to), followed by Dad - I couldn't leave Mum to tell him something like that, it just wouldn't have been fair on either of them.

Rach
xxx

[princessmichelle]

Michelle Ellis,

I told mom when she asked "son, what's the matter"? I can't offer advice, but I can share my experience of telling a parent when I was visiting.

It's still a source of tension between us, but she did say ultimately that she would love me no matter what. In a way I was lucky. One of the scariest things I've done, telling her. We get along well (otherwise at least), and it's good to have a mother's support in life in general.

So why did I tell her? It's so big an issue for me -my trans feelings are increasing, not going away- that I felt there was tension over my hiding something important from her.

It was also a trial: if she freaked out, well, better to know that now than later: I could factor that in to the "do I want to transition or not" yes I do/no I don't list.

princessMichelle

[MJ]

just do it, don't think about it. that way it comes from the heart, your true self,
you see my family was over from england and at a family BBQ i told every one that i wanted to become a woman, hit them all at once, my brother and two sisters and family friends ,and after i said what i had to say, i left, so they could talk about everything i had said. and it was the hardest thing i have ever done .
but i had to do it in order to free myself of guilt and shame, now i don't hide any more i dress full time 24/7 as part of the real life test, and i am happy and proud of who and what i am

yes i lost my brother and my younger sister , in time they may come around
the truth shall set you free.. boy did it ever ...
hugs Marissa

[Kimberly]

Heh. This won't help.

Both times I found the courage to come out to: 1) my partner of the time, 2) my parents...

I was on the toilet. :p

[Michelle Ellis]

Thanks everyone, it means a lot to have some input on this... there's some really great points made in those links you posted Donna.

And thanks for a great story Kimberly! Put a smile on my face :heehee:

M

[Siobhan Marie]

Michelle, I can only agree with what has been said, you do need to come out to your family, the sooner, the better. I came out to my Dad in November and he said that he couldn't condone or understand what I was doing and therefore couldn't approve of it but he did say that he wouldn't push me away. After a conversation that I had with Christmas, we both agreed that he would tell Mum for me as we didn't know how she would react. Initially she was all sweetness and light about it, saying things like don't worry, I'm here for you too. But lately she won't talk about it, she says its enough that she knows and thats as a far as it goes. As for telling the rest of the family, one of my cousins knows. But what I have done is to write a letter to Mum and Dad explaining everything and I've left it with them for them to read in their own time. But I will be sending a letter to the rest of the faimily as its easier than trying to get us all together, I'm not hiding behind this letter, no way. To pick up one what of one of the others said, we are here for you.

huge :hugs: Anna Marie x

[Lisa Maren]

Hi Michelle

I am at the stage where I have a tentative answer about what I truly am and I will be talking with a gender specialist on Feb 26. (Dr. Robin Dea) Anyway, I think about what it will be like to tell my parents and... you're right. It's not easy. A lot of times my mom asks me if I'm sure everything's alright -- which leaves me with the unpalatable choice of lying or discussing what even I don't fully understand yet. :( So I've told a few white lies along the lines of "there's nothing wrong" because I honestly believe the alternative is a far worse evil.

Anyway, I've been thinking about some important things:

1) When we attempt to foresee what will happen, we exercise in futility. To do this is to overthink things (take it from an expert in overthinking :) ). Nobody can know what will happen. Thus, it doesn't really make sense to try to figure out how people will react when you tell them. (It also plays into the concept that you can never know another person, however close, as well as the person knows himself/herself).

2) It has long been said that courage is not the absence of fear. In fact, it has nothing whatsoever to do with fear. Courage is the realization that something is more important than fear and the motivation, resulting from this realization, to go through with whatever that something is.

3) When we "chicken out" I don't think the concept of "chicken" applies at all. I am becoming an ever greater believer in our built-in intuition. When we "chicken out" it means that our intuition is telling us the time is not right. It's telling us that we always do things best when we do them how we're comfortable doing them; when it concerns something like coming out, if we do that before or while we're not comfortable -- for whatever reason -- then doing it anyway will make things vastly worse.

4) After the fact, some people may never understand why you waited, told the white lies, etc (perhaps because they've never experienced anything quite like this). Does that make your actions and decisions wrong? I don't think so. You know yourself better than anyone else on earth. If your intuition is telling you something is right or wrong for you, then your intuition is virtually certain to be accurate on that count. It is for that reason that I am able to persist in not coming out to my parents before I feel both cognitively and emotionally prepared to do that. That doesn't make it easy or pleasant to hold off, but neither does that make it wrong.

The people you want to have in your life are the ones who are both capable and willing to put themselves in your shoes and ask themselves if they could have done any better. Anyone who isn't willing to do that clearly is not willing to allow you into his/her heart and you wouldn't want that person in your life anyhow.

Parents are specially equipped to handle things in other people, especially mothers because of the unique bond that only a mother can have with her children. I know that these ideas don't make me feel any more comfortable coming out to my parents, but I also know that it's because it's not time and I'm not ready. I guess I can live with that.

Hugs,
Lisa