Cristi
02-08-2007, 11:25 PM
...that I can manage to go out in public at all without everybody I pass pointing at me or worse.
I've only been out a few times now, and I think it is getting easier each time. I still don't like going out where there is any chance at all of being seen by somebody I know, so my opportunities are few and far between. This week, I ended up in Worcester, Mass for business and had nothing to do in the evening. I had brought a selection of clothes, plus stopped at a Target store for a woman's Winter coat, something I've wanted for a long time. I found a nice dark tan trenchcoat for $40. Now I don't have to cover up with a bulky parka when going out en femme in the Winter!
It took me quite a while to get ready, since I hadn't had a chance to pluck, trim and otherwise do any maintenance work for a while. I started with a close shave, them plucked my eyebrows probably more than I ever have in the past, but I think it really helped lighten up my eyes.
I spent a long time on my makeup while my hair dried, then spent even longer with a curling iron curling my long hair (tip: DON'T pick up a curling iron from the 'hot' end by mistake!! I still have a swollen thumb from that one). I still don't have my technique down, but I think I'm getting better results with it every time.
Finally, I was ready to dress. I decided to wear a navy blue turtleneck over a blue floral print skirt and black tights. I finished it off with a pendant necklace, matching dangling earings and black pumps. I put on my new coat, grabbed my purse and was ready to hit the road.
The first hurdle was getting out to the car. My hotel room was quite a ways away from the hotel exit, so I had to get up my nerve and just step outside my door and walk down the hallways like I belonged there. For some reason, I was more nervous about this than I was about all the people I was around all evening.
Once in the car, I decided to just do some simple shopping... nothing that required me to really interract with anybody, since my voice still needs lots of work. My first stop was at a large grocery store. I parked at the far end of the parking lot and walked in. It was COLD outside! My legs were already starting to sting a bit from the cold wind by the time I got to the door. It got even colder as I got closer to the store where something was causing a wind tunnel effect that plastered my skirt against one side of my legs and pushed it out to the other side like a flag in the wind as I walked.
When I got inside, I grabbed a basket and shopped. I still can't get over the fact that I can do this and NOBODY gives me a 2nd look! I kept an eye on everybody I passed and never got a single look that was anything more than they would have given a GG in the same situation. I ended up getting some microfibre tights, some things for a quick breakfast the next morning, and some bottled water before heading to the checkout. I did chicken out a bit at the checkout and went through the self-checkout lane.
The only other place of note I went was a large book store (B&N). The aisle I was browsing in there was pretty crowded. As I and other shoppers browsed the shelves, we passed in front of each other several times but nobody noticed anything out of the ordinary. I found the book I was looking for and brought it to a small group of chairs to thumb through before making the final decision to buy it. The four padded easy-chairs were close together and facing each other in a circle. When I got there, one was occupied by a middle aged woman. I sat down beside her, crossed my legs and began to browse my book.
A minute later, a second woman came along and sat in the chair on my other side. She was a younger woman wearing a great outfit, a very short skirt, patterned tights and high-heeled boots. She crossed her legs as well, so our feet were almost touching. I noticed that the woman to my right had kicked off her shoes to be more comfortable, showing her bare pantyhose covered feet. I slipped off the shoe of my foot that was on the ground. It DID feel nice to let my feet relax a bit :)
While reading I had put my purse on the seat beside me, and my gloves on top of it. After several mintues I got up to leave. After taking a few steps I realized that one of the gloves had fallen onto the floor when I stood. I turned back to get it just as the woman who had been sitting beside me said "Ma'm, I think you dropped something". I smiled at her in thanks, picked up the glove and walked away. I guess in a way that was the high-point of the evening. She had sat beside me for several minutes, looked directly at me, and STILL called me "Ma'm". :happy:
I went to several more stores to 'browse' before heading back to the hotel, showering, changing into a nightgown and crawling into bed.
What it all comes down to is this... I guess after 35+ years of convincing myself that I could not pass, so I never even tried, I'm still having a hard time facing the fact that in the right circumstances I may be able to go out in public without much worry.
I guess I'm at kind of a plateau again. I've had outings like this a few times now since Halloween with no negative reactions. But I've been playing it safe. I've planned my trips so I haven't had to interact with anybody. I hope that after a few more trips like this to get my confidence up I'll move on to the next stage, perhaps clothes shopping where I can try things on (which I've done on halloween, but not otherwise), or any situation where I have to talk to people.
So maybe what I'm trying to get myself to believe is that yes, a 6'1" 220lb guy CAN go out in a dress and the world doesn't end.
I've only been out a few times now, and I think it is getting easier each time. I still don't like going out where there is any chance at all of being seen by somebody I know, so my opportunities are few and far between. This week, I ended up in Worcester, Mass for business and had nothing to do in the evening. I had brought a selection of clothes, plus stopped at a Target store for a woman's Winter coat, something I've wanted for a long time. I found a nice dark tan trenchcoat for $40. Now I don't have to cover up with a bulky parka when going out en femme in the Winter!
It took me quite a while to get ready, since I hadn't had a chance to pluck, trim and otherwise do any maintenance work for a while. I started with a close shave, them plucked my eyebrows probably more than I ever have in the past, but I think it really helped lighten up my eyes.
I spent a long time on my makeup while my hair dried, then spent even longer with a curling iron curling my long hair (tip: DON'T pick up a curling iron from the 'hot' end by mistake!! I still have a swollen thumb from that one). I still don't have my technique down, but I think I'm getting better results with it every time.
Finally, I was ready to dress. I decided to wear a navy blue turtleneck over a blue floral print skirt and black tights. I finished it off with a pendant necklace, matching dangling earings and black pumps. I put on my new coat, grabbed my purse and was ready to hit the road.
The first hurdle was getting out to the car. My hotel room was quite a ways away from the hotel exit, so I had to get up my nerve and just step outside my door and walk down the hallways like I belonged there. For some reason, I was more nervous about this than I was about all the people I was around all evening.
Once in the car, I decided to just do some simple shopping... nothing that required me to really interract with anybody, since my voice still needs lots of work. My first stop was at a large grocery store. I parked at the far end of the parking lot and walked in. It was COLD outside! My legs were already starting to sting a bit from the cold wind by the time I got to the door. It got even colder as I got closer to the store where something was causing a wind tunnel effect that plastered my skirt against one side of my legs and pushed it out to the other side like a flag in the wind as I walked.
When I got inside, I grabbed a basket and shopped. I still can't get over the fact that I can do this and NOBODY gives me a 2nd look! I kept an eye on everybody I passed and never got a single look that was anything more than they would have given a GG in the same situation. I ended up getting some microfibre tights, some things for a quick breakfast the next morning, and some bottled water before heading to the checkout. I did chicken out a bit at the checkout and went through the self-checkout lane.
The only other place of note I went was a large book store (B&N). The aisle I was browsing in there was pretty crowded. As I and other shoppers browsed the shelves, we passed in front of each other several times but nobody noticed anything out of the ordinary. I found the book I was looking for and brought it to a small group of chairs to thumb through before making the final decision to buy it. The four padded easy-chairs were close together and facing each other in a circle. When I got there, one was occupied by a middle aged woman. I sat down beside her, crossed my legs and began to browse my book.
A minute later, a second woman came along and sat in the chair on my other side. She was a younger woman wearing a great outfit, a very short skirt, patterned tights and high-heeled boots. She crossed her legs as well, so our feet were almost touching. I noticed that the woman to my right had kicked off her shoes to be more comfortable, showing her bare pantyhose covered feet. I slipped off the shoe of my foot that was on the ground. It DID feel nice to let my feet relax a bit :)
While reading I had put my purse on the seat beside me, and my gloves on top of it. After several mintues I got up to leave. After taking a few steps I realized that one of the gloves had fallen onto the floor when I stood. I turned back to get it just as the woman who had been sitting beside me said "Ma'm, I think you dropped something". I smiled at her in thanks, picked up the glove and walked away. I guess in a way that was the high-point of the evening. She had sat beside me for several minutes, looked directly at me, and STILL called me "Ma'm". :happy:
I went to several more stores to 'browse' before heading back to the hotel, showering, changing into a nightgown and crawling into bed.
What it all comes down to is this... I guess after 35+ years of convincing myself that I could not pass, so I never even tried, I'm still having a hard time facing the fact that in the right circumstances I may be able to go out in public without much worry.
I guess I'm at kind of a plateau again. I've had outings like this a few times now since Halloween with no negative reactions. But I've been playing it safe. I've planned my trips so I haven't had to interact with anybody. I hope that after a few more trips like this to get my confidence up I'll move on to the next stage, perhaps clothes shopping where I can try things on (which I've done on halloween, but not otherwise), or any situation where I have to talk to people.
So maybe what I'm trying to get myself to believe is that yes, a 6'1" 220lb guy CAN go out in a dress and the world doesn't end.