Cristi
02-09-2007, 10:45 PM
OK, I think I've finally reached a level where I am comfortable going out during the day. For years, I've been reading 'just do it', but I think it is something that each person has to work toward slowly.
I know that there is a lot of controversy about 'passing', but I think just the thought that I COULD be passing gave me the initial confidence to step out the door. Now that I can go out, the question of if I'm passing or not becomes less important. I care less and less if I 'pass' as long as people treat me well.
I think today was the turning point. People who've read some of my previous posts know that I've been working toward going out since about halloween of last year. I've taken some real baby steps, had a few times out, and so far have not gotten any reaction worse than an occasional 'double-take'. Those first few times, I was out but about as nervous as I could possibly be... ready to dash for the exit at the drop of a hat, and watching every person I passed to see how they were reacting to me.
Today was a change... and it brough things to a new level. I went out and just 'forgot' I was dressed. I did what I wanted to do, went about my business, and just relaxed. The fact that I was no longer a bundle of nerves probably showed in my body language and sent people the message that even though I may NOT be passing, I was comfortable with myself.
Let me start at the beginning of the day... After a fun time out while I was in Worcester, Ma. on Wednesday, I came home and suddenly had the itch to go out again. Fortunately, I had the day off. I spent WAY too much time getting ready (almost 2 hours from getting out of the shower until getting in the car!). I really have to work on speeding things up!
In that two hours, I shaved, 'plucked', did my makeup, curled my hair, and got dressed in a long brown velour dress (over C cup forms, black tights, etc) and finished things off with a nice glittery necklace that fell into the low cut neckline of the dress. It had matching earings. I was thinking that the jewelry might be a bit 'over the top' for daytime wear, but I really liked it so went with it.
I didn't know yet if I was really going to go out, or just drive, but once in the car I got a shot of confidence and decided to go for it. My first stop was to fill up the gas at a busy self-serve station. Things went smoothly there, so I went on to take a long walk down main street. I was out, it was daylight, I was amongst hundreds of people, and my ONLY problem was that the darn wind was spoiling my hair! I even walked through a gang of 20-30 elementary school aged kids that were being hearded down the street by teachers without a single reaction.
I needed to break through the final barrier and actually interact with people, so when I saw another woman in a dress and heels struggling against the wind, I said "Terrible, isn't it" to her as she walked past. She smiled at me and said "I can't wait for Spring!"
Now my confidence was through the roof. I went to a Walgreens drugstore to pick up some spray to help set my curls when using the curling iron. When checking out, I made myself say 'Hello' and 'Thank you' to the woman at the register, and told her I didn't need a bag for my purchase. Still smooth sailing!
Finally, I went to a J.C. Pennys and browsed through the woman's and clearance sections. I found a nice top for only $6. The regular register had a line, but the register in the Lingere area only had one person at it so I went in that direction. While I was waiting to be checked out, I noticed a 'clearance' rack of underwire bras for only $2.97! Of course, I had to get one (Later on my wife mentioned the fact that I owned many more bras than she did, but I countered that I had THREE different 'breast sized' to buy for (no forms, small forms, or C size forms) so had to get a full compliment of bras for every size! She actually agreed to my logic on that one).
There were two women working at this checkout counter. They were having a conversation about if they should go home, or stay and work some overtime hours. Still wanting to try out my 'voice', I told them to stay at work where it was warm and not windy! They both laughed.
The woman who checked me out scanned the bra a few times. I think the first time it came up at less than $3.00 she thought she had made a mistake so scanned it a 2nd, then 3rd time. I finally said "That is the right price, it is on clearance".
After all of this, I paid with my credit card. She asked to see the card after I swiped it to check the signature. When she handed it back to me, she said "Thank you, *****" (My male name, from the card). So she obviously DID know I wasn't a GG, but it didn't effect the way she interacted with me one bit!
Like I said at the top of this post, I think this outing really put me 'over the top'. I really can't see being nervous going out anymore as long as I feel safe and don't put myself in any situation that could go sour.
There are still some things I might not do quite yet (a meal in a crowded resturant, for instance) but now I am at this level I don't see that as much farther down the road.
I know that there is a lot of controversy about 'passing', but I think just the thought that I COULD be passing gave me the initial confidence to step out the door. Now that I can go out, the question of if I'm passing or not becomes less important. I care less and less if I 'pass' as long as people treat me well.
I think today was the turning point. People who've read some of my previous posts know that I've been working toward going out since about halloween of last year. I've taken some real baby steps, had a few times out, and so far have not gotten any reaction worse than an occasional 'double-take'. Those first few times, I was out but about as nervous as I could possibly be... ready to dash for the exit at the drop of a hat, and watching every person I passed to see how they were reacting to me.
Today was a change... and it brough things to a new level. I went out and just 'forgot' I was dressed. I did what I wanted to do, went about my business, and just relaxed. The fact that I was no longer a bundle of nerves probably showed in my body language and sent people the message that even though I may NOT be passing, I was comfortable with myself.
Let me start at the beginning of the day... After a fun time out while I was in Worcester, Ma. on Wednesday, I came home and suddenly had the itch to go out again. Fortunately, I had the day off. I spent WAY too much time getting ready (almost 2 hours from getting out of the shower until getting in the car!). I really have to work on speeding things up!
In that two hours, I shaved, 'plucked', did my makeup, curled my hair, and got dressed in a long brown velour dress (over C cup forms, black tights, etc) and finished things off with a nice glittery necklace that fell into the low cut neckline of the dress. It had matching earings. I was thinking that the jewelry might be a bit 'over the top' for daytime wear, but I really liked it so went with it.
I didn't know yet if I was really going to go out, or just drive, but once in the car I got a shot of confidence and decided to go for it. My first stop was to fill up the gas at a busy self-serve station. Things went smoothly there, so I went on to take a long walk down main street. I was out, it was daylight, I was amongst hundreds of people, and my ONLY problem was that the darn wind was spoiling my hair! I even walked through a gang of 20-30 elementary school aged kids that were being hearded down the street by teachers without a single reaction.
I needed to break through the final barrier and actually interact with people, so when I saw another woman in a dress and heels struggling against the wind, I said "Terrible, isn't it" to her as she walked past. She smiled at me and said "I can't wait for Spring!"
Now my confidence was through the roof. I went to a Walgreens drugstore to pick up some spray to help set my curls when using the curling iron. When checking out, I made myself say 'Hello' and 'Thank you' to the woman at the register, and told her I didn't need a bag for my purchase. Still smooth sailing!
Finally, I went to a J.C. Pennys and browsed through the woman's and clearance sections. I found a nice top for only $6. The regular register had a line, but the register in the Lingere area only had one person at it so I went in that direction. While I was waiting to be checked out, I noticed a 'clearance' rack of underwire bras for only $2.97! Of course, I had to get one (Later on my wife mentioned the fact that I owned many more bras than she did, but I countered that I had THREE different 'breast sized' to buy for (no forms, small forms, or C size forms) so had to get a full compliment of bras for every size! She actually agreed to my logic on that one).
There were two women working at this checkout counter. They were having a conversation about if they should go home, or stay and work some overtime hours. Still wanting to try out my 'voice', I told them to stay at work where it was warm and not windy! They both laughed.
The woman who checked me out scanned the bra a few times. I think the first time it came up at less than $3.00 she thought she had made a mistake so scanned it a 2nd, then 3rd time. I finally said "That is the right price, it is on clearance".
After all of this, I paid with my credit card. She asked to see the card after I swiped it to check the signature. When she handed it back to me, she said "Thank you, *****" (My male name, from the card). So she obviously DID know I wasn't a GG, but it didn't effect the way she interacted with me one bit!
Like I said at the top of this post, I think this outing really put me 'over the top'. I really can't see being nervous going out anymore as long as I feel safe and don't put myself in any situation that could go sour.
There are still some things I might not do quite yet (a meal in a crowded resturant, for instance) but now I am at this level I don't see that as much farther down the road.