Lessons learned from when coming out goes bad

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

As mentioned, I went to the nail salon last Saturday en femme (http://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?t=51166) and consequently got color on my fingernails as well as my toenails. Since the color looked really nice and was light "natural" color that wasn't visible at distance, I decided to do an experiment in androgyny and leave it on Sunday.

Sundays I have a routine, I like to read the paper over brunch at a favorite restaurant. Over the months I've become friendly with one of the waitresses, Maria, a grandmotherly Latina. When I found out she likes going through the coupons in the Sunday paper, I made a point of giving them to her and to thank me, she gave me Christmas cookies during the holiday.

When she came over to pick up the coupons today, Maria immediately noticed the nail polish because it was similar to her color. The way she responded sounded like she found it kind of cute. Since she wasn't working the section where I was sitting, I told that if she had a minute, I'd share a secret with her.

A little later she came over and I said something to the effect that it wasn't the first time I'd worn polish, and pulled out one of my photos. She said I looked pretty and I thumbed through some of the other photos. I thought it went well. Oh was I wrong...

This afternoon, I stopped by a fast-food place to pick up a snack before the Super Bowl. I sat down behind a couple and unintentionally eavesdropped while waiting for my order. Gradually, I realized the woman (who was facing away from me) was Maria and :eek: she was talking about me. (Talk about coincidence...) She was telling her companion how she didn't know what to say and how the more I talked about it, the sicker she got to her stomach. Apparently it upset her enough that she talked to the restaurant manager about it.

Needless to say, listening to her was painful in so many ways. Painful to know that my crossdressing caused her physical revulsion. Painful to know that I'd misread the situation so badly. Painful to know that I'd made her so uncomfortable.

Just to clarify, I don’t feel bad as much about exposing her to something that her prejudices made her uncomfortable with, it’s more that because I was a customer, she didn’t feel comfortable saying how she felt.

I guess part of it is that confiding in her was tangential to our “professional” relationship. I don’t have any problem telling a sales clerk at a clothing store or make-up counter that I’m shopping for myself — it’s relevant to my purchase and if they want my business then they should serve me regardless of their personal feelings. If I’d come in en femme, then yeah, I would’ve expected the same. I dunno… this particular situation felt different.

Some days being trans just sucks...

But in the vein of "Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves up," here's some lessons learned (with much thanks to friends at another for helping my sort out my thoughts):


I now have a greater appreciation why “I Will Survive” is the gay national anthem. Actually, I’m only half-joking. After an emotional beat-down — which I’m sure many gays experienced coming out in the 1970s — I can appreciate the affirmation of saying: You think I’d crumble / You think I’d lay down and die / Oh no, not I / I will survive. It wasn’t a pleasant experience, but I’m still here.

Jude pointed out that we get so used to this being everyday, no big deal, that we forget that for much of the world, it’s not, and that we are perhaps the first trans person this person has ever met, up close and personal.
What hurt the most was hearing that sort of reaction from someone I thought would be OK with it. It’s one thing to get stares and giggles while out, or to get a hostile reaction while doing outreach — I hate to say it, but I’m used to experiencing bigotry in that context. But in this case, part of me was kicking myself for misjudging someone so badly. In this case, I think I was a bit over-confident based on the the nail salon experience the day before.
Sometimes you just never can tell how folks will react. Maria had seen my Halloween pictures of me as Little Red Riding Hood and seeming had gotten a kick out of them, and likewise seemed to enjoy the fact that I had painted nails that morning. So each coming out really is a bit of a leap of faith.
While this incident went badly, I’m not going to let it outweigh all the positive ones I’ve had. Usually coming out is a liberating and positive experience. So I’d like to think I won’t be overly fearful of confiding in people in the future (although I admit I’m feeling a little gun-shy at the moment).
While I’ve felt it’s important to show folks photos of me en femme to try to give people a sense that I’m not what they’re probably picturing — Klinger (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maxwell_Klinger) or Dr. Frank N. Furter (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dr._Frank_N._Furter) – I need to be sure to ask if people are interested in seeing them, since it could be perceived as TMI and being exhibitionist in the wrong way. (Normally, I do but I mistakenly skipped based on Maria having seen past pictures, her enthusiasm for my nails, and me having told her that I’d share a secret with her if she was interested.) That’s one misstep I feel bad about. The other is putting Maria in a position where she felt cornered. It would’ve been one thing if I’d showed up en femme, in which case I would’ve expected to be treated like any other customers. But this was tangential to business but in a setting where she felt constrained by “commercial courtesy.”
I’m not quite as fully self-accepting as I thought. Initially I did feel bad for making Maria so uncomfortable — and yeah, it was more than just for the reasons mentioned. There was a part of me that felt bad that I’d physically sickened someone. (When I posted about it at the Betty boards, I named the thread “chastened” (definition: to correct using punishment or suffering.)
But Tink points out that if we reframe the situation we see it for what it truly was. Imagine that I’d been talking with her and when the topic comes up naturally, I pulled out a picture of my girlfriend, who’s another race. Or if I were gay, I pulled out a picture and said, “That’s my boyfriend.” Neither photo is a graphic tongue-down throat picture, but maybe we’ve got an arm around each other. Had I overheard Maria express similar feelings about race or sexuality, I would’ve had no problem saying to myself, “What a bigot!” I’m sorry that she can’t look past her prejudices to see me as a person, but that’s her problem.

As far as what to do tomorrow, when I go in again for brunch, I’m planning to take Tink’s advice to go and act completely normal, offer Maria the coupons as usual — and only if she seems distant, will I apologize for the manner in which I came out (but I won’t apologize for being who I am). We’ll see what happens.

[Katrina]

Marlena,
Maybe I'm just irritated because my SO asked me if I was going to wear my girly ring into IKEA (she phrased it as if she didn't want to be seen with me wearing it), but I say this is Maria's problem and you shouldn't apologise for anything. If she has a problem with your dressing, its just that, HER problem. Just because she's a closed minded bigot, doesn't mean that you have to walk on egg shells to please her. I'm sorry, but I'm not usually so militant, but I'm really pi**ed off right now at people who don't completely accept us.

[MJ]

Marlena
hi i am sorry it went bad for you, i can relate a new girl started out at work last week and i was showing my pictures to my friends and as she was sitting there i showed her as well, later that day i was called up to the office a reamed out for showing my picture to her my boss said it was sexsual harassment " Right " any way i got crap for being polite to a new employee
the funny thing is i found out later why she is so mad at me is her ex is a cd'r :eek: , but this new person should not take it out on me
the difference between us is i am a full time ts , and i feel i should not be treated like crap for being a woman with a penis , and this is not over only the begging i fear my job is on the line

[pwincessbigbootyooty]

ever been arrested enfemme?
cops are the worst
:(

[Wendy me]

sorry to hear that... now the interesting part .... you heard her talk ... you were kinda friendly shearing coupons ... now watch how she reacts to you ... if she is all hi how are you and that way ..... you get just who she relay is ... i don't think you did anything relay wrong .....

[Joy Carter]

ever been arrested enfemme?
cops are the worst
:(

How so ? I'm retired P.O. and I have worked with a great many other officers. I can say they are different just like general population.

[pwincessbigbootyooty]

okl sorry for the generalization
ican understand shock and some comments or whateva
but around here they harassedand even threatened me to no end
and intentionally tried to put me in more danger when being movedto genpop by
inciting otherinmates by shouting what i was wearing when they picked me up
(the nurse actually hads me stay with her til bail posted
actually once a cop "copositioned me to"go behind the building"
and i think he got his friend/prosecuting officer to drop the more serious(fabricated) charges as well somehow cos he showed up outta nowhere at the preliminary hearing
its weird im scared of them
but anyway again sorry for the generalization im sure some are nice guys and everything
but these cops all had someting to prove and were basically fratboys with guns trying to outmacho the next

[Sam-antha]

I am never sure concerning other people, people that I meet, face to face as it were. Your intent was good, very understandable and I might have done the same myself. Your long term reaction is also good. We must wait for her future reaction.
People are people and people talk to other people, especially about something ( or somebody) different. I sincerely hope that she does not get to talking to someone else in a descriptive enough fashion to reveal who you are. I get the impression that she did not describe you in that behind the table chat.
That being so, it is strictly between you and her initial reaction to you on the next brunch meeting. Take it from there as a between you and her thing. It is no more than that.
~Samm

[Lisa Golightly]

I really don't give a crap what people think about me... I live for me not for them. Most people you meet are two faced and the majority of us only seem to worry when their true thoughts become known to our detriment. Least my way I really have no interest in their witterings.

[Trisha]

i have meet a few crossdressers that are cops thay are not so diffent from any other people we just talk about nails hair and things like that i have found cops to be the best people you can meet when dressed :2c:

[Kendra Irene]

Marlena, will you be going for brunch tomorrow?

MJ - I've been to several seminars on harassment issues in Manitoba. In Canada, if the lady is talking about you and your life style, behind your back, its actually you who has the grounds for harassment.

[Annette_boy]

Hi girls
Got arrestes in sept and locked up while dresses reasons are stupidity on my part and not important but the officers who took me in and the staff at the lockup treated me wit respect and dignity and my size and quick wits kept the other prisioners in line
So cops were ok by mee in a situation that could have been so much worse.
Love and Kisses
Annette

[Sierra Evon]

I really don't give a crap what people think about me... I live for me not for them. Most people you meet are two faced and the majority of us only seem to worry when their true thoughts become known to our detriment. Least my way I really have no interest in their witterings.

Yep !!! me 2 , :yt:

[Jodie_Lynn]

So.... you felt the need to share yourself with a person that, at most, is a casual business oriented relationship and are now worried about the fallout?

Seems that you've released the genie from the bottle, and now must deal with the consequences. Either continue as before your revelation; or find a new place to dine.

As I've said elsewhere today, Just because we are stretching the limits of normality, doesn't mean our family, friends and acquaitances are ready to make the same trip.

[Jodi]

Marlena, Maria's reaction did not surprise me. My experience has shown--For some reason, Latino/hispanic women are totally turned off by anything other that totally macho in a man. When I worked at NY & Co, the only real troubles that I had on the floor were with latino women. Because I was working in that store, I was less than manly in their eyes, and they let me know it.

When you were showing her the pix and telling her, were you so engrossed that maybe you missed her body language? When telling someone, always watch their body language. Listen to what they say, but listen to how they say it. That will tell you what they are really thinking.

Jodi

[Gunda]

Just goes to show that one must be very careful who one confides in - even when a situation "feels" right in the gut sometimes it can be false intuition. In any case, don't feel too bad Marlena. I've tried on dresses at thrift stores before and I've heard the women (often hispanic but not always) who work in the area near the fitting rooms make fun of me in hushed tones. It was hard at first but I've just decided to live and let live - they can go on making fun of me and I can go on dressing and it's all OK. These were just words anyway.

Best,
Gunda

[finacarina]

coming out to an elderly latina? Bad move, very bad move!!!

[Rachel Morley]

Hi Marlena,

I think I would have reacted in just the same way as you. I would have been gutted that my actions (seemingly) made this woman feel bad. Her being upset would have bothered me, but not as much as I would be about myself, because I'd kicking myself at misjudging of the situation.

However, in your case, as you said, you had already shown her pics of you en femme for Halloween, and she seemed ok with them. Also, she saw your nail polish and also (seemingly) thought it was cute too. Do you think that she was perhaps over exaggerating her horror and repulsion to her friends in the fast food restaurant for effect? I mean, ok, she told them, but was their reaction as she was telling them (that you couldn't see because you had your back to them all) really bad? so bad that felt she had to make her reaction even worse than it actually was so that she felt in harmony with her peers? I dunno - just a thought :strugglin:

Anyway, don't let it get you down, and your plans for tomorrow's brunch is a good one. Act as if nothing has happened and if she is just as friendly as before. Keep quiet about it and put it down to "another page in the book of experience."

[Rhonda Jean]

If you had not overheard that conversation, you probably would have considered this "coming out" experience as another positive. I think this goes to show us all that many of these positive experiences are only an example of people being able and willing to hide their true feelings and reactions. I think a lot of us are guilty of imposing ourselves on an unsuspectiong public and misreading people being nice as being accepting, or worse, our passing. I'm guilty of it myself, particularly at the hair salon. If this little incident illicited the reaction you describe, imagine the same thing if you'd gone in for a bra fitting!

[Tina B.]

Sorry for the bum trip you had, but we all have to remember, at best we are thought to be no more than 5 percent of the population, it's there world, we are just living in it!
most people in most situations will just smile, and go on, then who knows what is said once you are out of ear shot, just because people generally don't like confontations, does not mean the except what you are doing.
If you see some guy at the mall that is stoned, I doubt that you would confront him, but you might go home and tell everyone about the nut you saw that thought he was getting away with something (and if no one got up in his face he did)
It is this sort of treatment, and this sort of reality that keep so many of us in the closet, and that is why those of you with enough nerve to go out, are such a novelty to them.
Stay brave, we need more people like you out there.
Tina B.

[marie354]

Good point tina! I'm guilty. Maybe we all are sometimes.....
Did you see that guy at the other mall we were at? Do you think that he thought he looked good in that dress? Nice dress though. Good style.
:devil:

[ToyGirl]

I was dating a girl online (sigh) when i started to transition , she had totally been supportive in every way , then a mutual friend had told me my photos made her sick to the stomach , so i can relate there.

I also think thats an advantage of being out , you don't have to worry about how people react to your other self.

I had recently seen a documentary where a random person in the street said the death penalty should be applied to transsexuals :eek: it's easy to forget how uneducated some people are.

Im really unsure why you felt inclined to tell this person though. I would have just smiled at the nails comment and left it at that.

Anyway , hope you are not too affected by this. I think there is truth in what Angel Darling posted.

[Angie G]

marlena it's her problem not your just go on being you hun :hugs:
Angie

[LaFem]

To Princessbigbootytooty:

Huh?

[Sheila]

hun,
I am sorry that you were made to feel this way, life sucks sometimes... and it is another darn reason to be honest with folks.... if she had said that it made her uncomfortable, or even made a blatant excuse to remove herself you would have been saved the hurt and embaressment....... sorru again hun

jess

[susie evans]

marlena
i no the feeling i whent through this same situation but it was many years ago and i thought some one accepted and in reality they did not and i also was sorry for the pain i caused them but i can't be sorry that they were not as honest with me as i was with them if she was so uncomfertable noing that you are a crossdresser she could mention it to you directly then youcould act accordingly
just a thought :hugs:

susie

[Joy Carter]

okl sorry for the generalization
ican understand shock and some comments or whateva
but around here they harassedand even threatened me to no end
and intentionally tried to put me in more danger when being movedto genpop by
inciting otherinmates by shouting what i was wearing when they picked me up
(the nurse actually hads me stay with her til bail posted
actually once a cop "copositioned me to"go behind the building"
and i think he got his friend/prosecuting officer to drop the more serious(fabricated) charges as well somehow cos he showed up outta nowhere at the preliminary hearing
its weird im scared of them
but anyway again sorry for the generalization im sure some are nice guys and everything
but these cops all had someting to prove and were basically fratboys with guns trying to outmacho the next


Princess just remember Hun those whom you have dealt with are non professionals. I got written up once because I laughed at a joke (in uniform) that I was told. The woman who filed the compliant said I wasn't acting quite right. ??????????????? They have to take all complaints no matter how dumb. I got to laugh again when I sent my response in to the investigators. I never heard about it again.

[amanda barber]

but anyway again sorry for the generalization im sure some are nice guys and everything
but these cops all had someting to prove and were basically fratboys with guns trying to outmacho the next


I used to have respect for LEO's and law enforcement in general until I got involved in multi family housing buildings as a business and specificly drug-free multi-housing, Shelter Plus Care and ohter SRO's. I saw it all, police beatings, police shootings, cops on the take, police gangs, dispatch fraud so bad that it took money to get 911 responce at all. After 24 months I sold out of everything for pennies on dollar just to cover contracts and debt service. I just couldn't deal with the police anymore on a daily basis.

[kathy gg]

Marlena

I think on one hand you havec courage that many dont' have, because you do want to educate and share your life with people.

But in being so open and reaping *a job well done* for those who are interested in you and what you have to say...there will always be an instance where it goes wrong.

I think considering how many people you have shared this with that your record is pretty damn amazing.

But I like to play devils advoate, if let's say you have told say 20 people and you know know of one who was very upset by this.....my guess would be there is one other person who feelss this way. ANd that is strickly me guessing a random number.

Anyway, don't let this bother you too much, this was inivitable...you come out to enough people you will encounter people who finding this very upesetting.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

don't let this bother you too much, this was inivitable...you come out to enough people you will encounter people who finding this very upesetting.

Agreed, it probably was inevitable. What made it painful more than anything else was feeling like I badly misjudged things (since I'd thought by her previous comments/actions, she'd be OK with it).

Anyway, here's today's postscript:

I went back for my usual Sunday brunch determined to follow Tink's advice and just act completely normal. The manager greeted me with his usual over-exuberance. Maria was working another section, but I caught her eye as she passed and let her know that I had the coupons for her as per usual. She took them with her usual abundant thank you's.

Chalk one up to "commerical courtesy" I thought. But then....

I was head-down in the newspaper when, as she was passing by, Maria gave my hand a tap and gave me a big smile when I looked up. Then as was leaving, she gave a pat/rub on the back in the same sort of way she's done previously.

What's it all mean? I'm not really sure...

Obviously she wasn't avoiding me. It seems like she was treating me with the same familiarity as before. Maybe she's realized that even though she now knows something about me that freaked her out, I'm still me. Maybe realizing that I probably overheard her comments about me caused her to do some self-reflection. At this point, I'll leave it at "don't ask, don't tell."

[Rachel Morley]

What does this all mean? I have no clue. Either I was right about her over exaggerating things to her friends or she now BS-ing you (which I doubt) either way I would keep your guard up if I was you.

[katey]

How so ? I'm retired P.O. and I have worked with a great many other officers. I can say they are different just like general population.

the fact that you use terms like 'general population' begs to differ.
just tought that needed to be pointed out.

but back on topic, i haven't had a bad experience yet. but have always been quite selective about who i tell, but that is your point.
i have no advice, but thanks for the eye opener.

[katey]

i retract my previous statement,
i missed out the word "different" when i was reading it and it very much changes the meaning,
and my apologies to joy.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Either I was right about her over exaggerating things to her friends

Actually Helen (http://www.myhusbandbetty.com/) suggested the same thing. Which is entirely possible, because she was with a guy who was probably either an SO or a relative.


either way I would keep your guard up if I was you.

Yup. I won't be bringing it up again, unless she specifically asks about it.

[Michelle (Oz)]

Marlena

Could I ask when you went back were you dressed en femme? If not, it may be she can look you in the eye dressed as a man but not when looking at you in pictures en femme. Otherwise, hmmmm.

Your thread starter was very interesting and cautionary. Although I go out en femme at least once a week and have little fear in public, deep down I still care what people think. My wife is reasonably accepting but she seems to prefer that I dress when away from home. Or at least that may be my comfort zone when I am around people that I know.

It is a fine line between asserting our rights and confronting people. I've reached a stage where I have good friends (generally restaurant or hotel staff) who I relate to well dressed en femme. They are genuinely very pleased to see me, and are relaxed and chatty when I visit their establishments. However, I have decided not to go to these places when en homme to avoid challenging their thought processes.

The purist would be agast at this but it just is nice to have a circle of friends when en femme and I don't want to disturb the relationships. They know I am a man in a dress but they accept me that way.

I see this as a diferrent part of the same jigsaw.

Thanks for sharing Marlena.

Michelle (Oz)

[livy_m_b]

It's better to be consistent in your self presentation than not. Since she knows, she doesn't have to be told any more. Since she has had a reaction, you needn't go any farther. But, apologizing, explaining further, etc. will just exacerbate the situation. Just relax and go on with your life. There's a saying "Don't ever trouble trouble till trouble troubles you." If something happens, deal with it then.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Could I ask when you went back were you dressed en femme? If not, it may be she can look you in the eye dressed as a man but not when looking at you in pictures en femme. Otherwise, hmmmm.

No, I was en homme.


It is a fine line between asserting our rights and confronting people. I've reached a stage where I have good friends (generally restaurant or hotel staff) who I relate to well dressed en femme. They are genuinely very pleased to see me, and are relaxed and chatty when I visit their establishments. However, I have decided not to go to these places when en homme to avoid challenging their thought processes.

The purist would be agast at this but it just is nice to have a circle of friends when en femme and I don't want to disturb the relationships. They know I am a man in a dress but they accept me that way.

There's no one way to be trans, so if it works for you that's a Good Thing.

I agree that for many people it's a lot easier to deal with one gender or the other, rather than seeing someone moving between them.

[windycissy]

Hang in there, kiddo - you learned more about Maria than she learned about you. Don't ever change!

[Joni Beauman]

Marlena,
I understand your feelings. I can't seem to help being concerned about other people and their reactions to me. Have had to gain a bit of thick skin to endure the awkward times I have been read in public. Doesn't change that fact that I would rather always pass. Kind of a cop out, no pun intended, compared to the brave ones here who are more defiant in the face of being clocked or a revelation gone bad. I just keep it to myself, you all, and more or less tacitly, my wife. Oh, and the manager of my favorite women's clothing store. Joni

[LauraKCD]

coming out to an elderly latina? Bad move, very bad move!!!

Finacarina,

Can you explain this statement a little further? This is very important to me as I'm moving to Central America.
Thanks

[LauraKCD]

Finacarina

Can you explain that statement? Really important to me

[Bonnie D]

Marlena,

What she told the man and how she is interacting with you doesn't match. If your pictures really made her sick to her stomach then she would have little if any physical contact with you. She would have thanked you for the coupons and kept her distance as much as possible. She didn't. I feel these are her true feelings. She had doubts that are now confirmed by your recent pictures and fear got the better of her. I think she had time to think it through and is more comfortable about it. I agree with the decison not to bring it up unless she does and to continue as you have been.

Police, Latinos, ... I think there's a lot of generalization going on with some of the statements.

Bonnie

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

Police, Latinos, ... I think there's a lot of generalization going on with some of the statements.

Agreed. While certainly someone's cultural background may influence their views, I prefer to treat them as individuals making individual decisions until proven otherwise.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

So went out for my usual Sunday brunch again and while I was waiting, Maria came up, gave me a big hug and said, "You'll forgive me, won't you?" I told her that I was sorry for putting her on the spot. "But you'll promise, you'll forgive me, won't you?" she replied. I told her yes, I did forgive her.

The restaurant was unusually busy, so afterwards we had only brief bits of conversation. Eventually she left me a note with her phone number, which said she was ashamed of herself and asked me to give her a call. I thanked her again and by the time I'd finished brunch, we both seemed to be putting it behind us.

Unfortunately I didn't get a chance to call her this evening since I went up to San Francisco and got caught in massive traffic jam. (Seemingly there was some big event at Pier 39 and Embarcadero was shut down, not a pretty combination.), So I didn't get home until too late. (It was too important to do on the cell while I sat in traffic.) I'll try to catch her tomorrow.

[Michelia]

I for one, am very careful around older latina women. I do not want to expose myself to get an earful in public. As Carina said, this can be a bad move.

That said, people are people and they are all different. I have been very well treated by latin women when shopping in drab regardless of what they may have said after I left. I have also bought jewelry and perfume and tried it on with the help of a darling matronly catholic latin lady.

Furthermore, I am married to a Mexican GG that is as supportive and understanding as any. My ex is also Latina and totally accepts my cding including around our son and has never used it against me or revealed it to anyone. There are those latinas who get sick of their stomachs at the pervasive machismo of their cultures.

Marlena - thanks for the post. I enjoyed it. It sounds as if you have succeeded in opening the mind of one more latina. Thanks!

As for the lady wanting to move to Central America - go ahead. There are tvs all over. But there is no way you can generalize on this - in the same way you cannot in the good old USA. Every country is different. Some can be very dangerous . Some are OK. The bigger cities are more relaxed. Laws and police also vary from one extreme to the other in their tolerance and abuse.

Michelia

[marie354]

Marlena, I'm so glad that it seems to have worked out so good. It seems that you indeed have a good friend there.

[Glenda]

Marlena, you're taking this way too seriously. Maria seems like a nice lady to me. When you come in for brunch she is kind and courteous. When you showed her the pictures she didn't throw you out or try to humiliate you. Even though she didn't agree with what you were doing she didn't say anything bad or hurtful to you. She kept her feelings to herself. When you were out later and overheard her conversation, she was with friends or family in an environment where she could say what she wanted without hurting anyone. How was she to know that you were listening? If this is how she feels then so be it but she wouldn't hurt you by saying it to you or to anyone who cared about you.

Quite frankly, I cannot imagine why you carry pictures of yourself to show to people. If you want to carry them fine. I don't have a problem with that. If you tell someone you are a crossdresser fine. I don't have a problem with that. If someone says, " Wow, do you have any pictures?" then by all means pull them out and show them. But to feel that you need to show anyone who you feel may be empathetic or accepting of your crossdressing......that I don't understand. You're looking for acceptance from people whose opinions just don't matter.

In truth, while we do care what others think about us, we really can't care that much. Not enough to let them (especially strangers or people we only know through social interraction) control what we do. You don't like me wearing a dress and makeup? I'm sorry, but I enjoy it. I may not like your hair fixed that way, but I'm not going to tell you. What would it accomlish? Be nice, be courteous, be aware that not everyone understands us. Some may not tell us. But, if you're still visiting that place a year from now and someone else makes a comment about a crossdresser.......you never know. Maria is just as likely to defend the crossdresser if you treat her with respect while knowing that she may not approve of what you do. People change through interraction with people like us.

[Rikkicn]

I'm soooo sorry this happened to you. I've had a few experiences of people laughing and whispering to each other when they have seen me. It doesn't feel very good to be the recipient of that.

I heard a TG speaker say that it's not gender it's that we're different. In our culture different isn't highly thought of.