Stephanie Brooks
02-02-2005, 04:33 PM
Cast of Characters So Far (w/ changed names, except of course for lil' ol' me ;) ):
Wife: Tracy
Daughter, 6 years old: Alice
Husband, CD: Stephanie
Husband, Drab: Steve
Girl Buddy: Blade
Counselor: Bruce
It's the final countdown of the marriage. If we're not on a path toward reconciliation by March 1, twenty years of marriage will end. At present we're not even close to being on such a path. We both continue to honor our marriage regardless.
On January 7, the purge ended officially by the purchase of women's clothing. Yesterday February 1 I began wearing the clothing. I shaved my face and shaved my legs. It's funny. Last week Blade and I went to lunch - we do that once a week, as we work for the same company - and she hadn't realized I'd not worn nylons since last September. She knew I said I'd disposed of everything, but didn't realize it really meant EVERYTHING.
So what changed? Why am I now dressing, at least with nylons and other underclothes? In my view, I've now nothing to lose. I need to function. In 27 days I'll be wearing them either as a husband or as a soon-to-be ex-husband. At this point, what is she going to do, divorce me?
That's less a flippant perspective than it might otherwise seem. In some ways I'm my own worst enemy.
I am a research analyst. I need to design and develop systems that will produce novel - and useful - results. That means I must understand risks in getting to a final system. What are the risk areas? What can fail? How can I prevent such from occuring? How can I make this work smoothly?
I apply similar thinking toward life outside of the office. All of this recent chaos in my life arose from asking Tracy how she'll deal with the possible question from Alice, "Why does Daddy wear nylons?" She couldn't answer. While there's far more history than I'm recounting, that event sparked The Purge.
If I'd not asked the question, perhaps none of this would have happened. As Bruce my councelor responded yesterday however, "You're blaming yourself for being you?!" Yeah, I was. Am.
In case anyone thinks I'm looking at my marriage trivially, I'll recount just a little story for you.
In November 1998, Alice was born. She was a preemie, 7 weeks premature. She spent 8 weeks in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). I watched as she almost died in the first hour of her life. While the neonatal staff wanted me to leave, I needed to be there. I left once she was okay. The neonatal team at Fairfax Hospital in Virginia is extraordinary. For the next 8 weeks I spent all but two nights at the hospital; the two nights were skipped because I thought I was getting a cold. It's funny, a few days before she was released the hospital gave me free parking in the hospital garage.
During that time I had Alice go blue on me in my hands. She was "eating", but went into a spell of sorts, where the breathing drops. The oxygen monitors go off, as well as the heart monitors. The NICU staff would have helped if I couldn't get her stimulated to breathing again, which I did.
Also during that time I visited Tracy in the hospital, She spent a month in the hospital after Alice's birth, spread over two stays. She had pre-eclampsia. Blood pressure was like 180/140 prior to having a C-section. I talked her through many labor-induced sets of pain from the pre-eclampsia, waiting until the doctors could determine what medicine and how much they could safely give her. Two days later she was bleeding from within her incision; four hours later she was in surgery to repair damage done from the pre-eclampsia. I visited Tracy every day.
Both Tracy and Alice are fine today. Alice has but minor anomalies associated with being a preemie.
I have no desire to end this marriage. I also have no desire to be nothing, which is what I am to Tracy.
Relatively speaking, this is an "up" day. Some day in the near future, I will have "up" days in absolute terms.
Wife: Tracy
Daughter, 6 years old: Alice
Husband, CD: Stephanie
Husband, Drab: Steve
Girl Buddy: Blade
Counselor: Bruce
It's the final countdown of the marriage. If we're not on a path toward reconciliation by March 1, twenty years of marriage will end. At present we're not even close to being on such a path. We both continue to honor our marriage regardless.
On January 7, the purge ended officially by the purchase of women's clothing. Yesterday February 1 I began wearing the clothing. I shaved my face and shaved my legs. It's funny. Last week Blade and I went to lunch - we do that once a week, as we work for the same company - and she hadn't realized I'd not worn nylons since last September. She knew I said I'd disposed of everything, but didn't realize it really meant EVERYTHING.
So what changed? Why am I now dressing, at least with nylons and other underclothes? In my view, I've now nothing to lose. I need to function. In 27 days I'll be wearing them either as a husband or as a soon-to-be ex-husband. At this point, what is she going to do, divorce me?
That's less a flippant perspective than it might otherwise seem. In some ways I'm my own worst enemy.
I am a research analyst. I need to design and develop systems that will produce novel - and useful - results. That means I must understand risks in getting to a final system. What are the risk areas? What can fail? How can I prevent such from occuring? How can I make this work smoothly?
I apply similar thinking toward life outside of the office. All of this recent chaos in my life arose from asking Tracy how she'll deal with the possible question from Alice, "Why does Daddy wear nylons?" She couldn't answer. While there's far more history than I'm recounting, that event sparked The Purge.
If I'd not asked the question, perhaps none of this would have happened. As Bruce my councelor responded yesterday however, "You're blaming yourself for being you?!" Yeah, I was. Am.
In case anyone thinks I'm looking at my marriage trivially, I'll recount just a little story for you.
In November 1998, Alice was born. She was a preemie, 7 weeks premature. She spent 8 weeks in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). I watched as she almost died in the first hour of her life. While the neonatal staff wanted me to leave, I needed to be there. I left once she was okay. The neonatal team at Fairfax Hospital in Virginia is extraordinary. For the next 8 weeks I spent all but two nights at the hospital; the two nights were skipped because I thought I was getting a cold. It's funny, a few days before she was released the hospital gave me free parking in the hospital garage.
During that time I had Alice go blue on me in my hands. She was "eating", but went into a spell of sorts, where the breathing drops. The oxygen monitors go off, as well as the heart monitors. The NICU staff would have helped if I couldn't get her stimulated to breathing again, which I did.
Also during that time I visited Tracy in the hospital, She spent a month in the hospital after Alice's birth, spread over two stays. She had pre-eclampsia. Blood pressure was like 180/140 prior to having a C-section. I talked her through many labor-induced sets of pain from the pre-eclampsia, waiting until the doctors could determine what medicine and how much they could safely give her. Two days later she was bleeding from within her incision; four hours later she was in surgery to repair damage done from the pre-eclampsia. I visited Tracy every day.
Both Tracy and Alice are fine today. Alice has but minor anomalies associated with being a preemie.
I have no desire to end this marriage. I also have no desire to be nothing, which is what I am to Tracy.
Relatively speaking, this is an "up" day. Some day in the near future, I will have "up" days in absolute terms.