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View Full Version : New Book: Life. Ch. 6



Stephanie Brooks
02-02-2005, 04:33 PM
Cast of Characters So Far (w/ changed names, except of course for lil' ol' me ;) ):

Wife: Tracy
Daughter, 6 years old: Alice
Husband, CD: Stephanie
Husband, Drab: Steve
Girl Buddy: Blade
Counselor: Bruce

It's the final countdown of the marriage. If we're not on a path toward reconciliation by March 1, twenty years of marriage will end. At present we're not even close to being on such a path. We both continue to honor our marriage regardless.

On January 7, the purge ended officially by the purchase of women's clothing. Yesterday February 1 I began wearing the clothing. I shaved my face and shaved my legs. It's funny. Last week Blade and I went to lunch - we do that once a week, as we work for the same company - and she hadn't realized I'd not worn nylons since last September. She knew I said I'd disposed of everything, but didn't realize it really meant EVERYTHING.

So what changed? Why am I now dressing, at least with nylons and other underclothes? In my view, I've now nothing to lose. I need to function. In 27 days I'll be wearing them either as a husband or as a soon-to-be ex-husband. At this point, what is she going to do, divorce me?

That's less a flippant perspective than it might otherwise seem. In some ways I'm my own worst enemy.

I am a research analyst. I need to design and develop systems that will produce novel - and useful - results. That means I must understand risks in getting to a final system. What are the risk areas? What can fail? How can I prevent such from occuring? How can I make this work smoothly?

I apply similar thinking toward life outside of the office. All of this recent chaos in my life arose from asking Tracy how she'll deal with the possible question from Alice, "Why does Daddy wear nylons?" She couldn't answer. While there's far more history than I'm recounting, that event sparked The Purge.

If I'd not asked the question, perhaps none of this would have happened. As Bruce my councelor responded yesterday however, "You're blaming yourself for being you?!" Yeah, I was. Am.

In case anyone thinks I'm looking at my marriage trivially, I'll recount just a little story for you.

In November 1998, Alice was born. She was a preemie, 7 weeks premature. She spent 8 weeks in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). I watched as she almost died in the first hour of her life. While the neonatal staff wanted me to leave, I needed to be there. I left once she was okay. The neonatal team at Fairfax Hospital in Virginia is extraordinary. For the next 8 weeks I spent all but two nights at the hospital; the two nights were skipped because I thought I was getting a cold. It's funny, a few days before she was released the hospital gave me free parking in the hospital garage.

During that time I had Alice go blue on me in my hands. She was "eating", but went into a spell of sorts, where the breathing drops. The oxygen monitors go off, as well as the heart monitors. The NICU staff would have helped if I couldn't get her stimulated to breathing again, which I did.

Also during that time I visited Tracy in the hospital, She spent a month in the hospital after Alice's birth, spread over two stays. She had pre-eclampsia. Blood pressure was like 180/140 prior to having a C-section. I talked her through many labor-induced sets of pain from the pre-eclampsia, waiting until the doctors could determine what medicine and how much they could safely give her. Two days later she was bleeding from within her incision; four hours later she was in surgery to repair damage done from the pre-eclampsia. I visited Tracy every day.

Both Tracy and Alice are fine today. Alice has but minor anomalies associated with being a preemie.

I have no desire to end this marriage. I also have no desire to be nothing, which is what I am to Tracy.

Relatively speaking, this is an "up" day. Some day in the near future, I will have "up" days in absolute terms.

sherri
02-02-2005, 05:25 PM
Little girls need their daddies. Big girls too.

When you exit, another "daddy" may fill the void. Two daddies: fulltime stepdaddy, part-time real daddy.

Just something to think about.

Danielle1960
02-02-2005, 05:44 PM
Wow. I'm really sorry you are having such difficulty that it has come to this point. I too am in a similar boat but not as far along. I got angry the other day because of a comment my wife made. I didn't take it out on her but I clammed up because I realized that I'm only supposed to be 1/2 the person I am. After two days I'm starting to come around again and adjust but it is hard. I really hope your able to find away to accomidate and make the marriage survive.
I wish I had a good answer or the right answer to provide but suffice it to say my heart goes out to you.
Good luck

ChristineRenee
02-02-2005, 05:57 PM
Stephanie,

I really feel for you babe. When your counselor said that you were blaming yourself for being you, he really said a mouthful. It's kind of a signature line for what we all have felt at one time or another....and it is so unfair.

My heart goes out to you too Steph. I wish I had some really profound advice to give to you, but I just don't know what to say other than you know that you will always have the sisterhood here to come back to time and again for comfort and support.

Best of luck to you in the days and weeks to come and keep us informed on how you are doing, ok?

Love,
Christine

Ashleigh
02-02-2005, 06:41 PM
I'm very sorry to hear that your marriage is not improving. I sincerely hope that an unexpected turn of events occurs that improves things beyond your dreams. Those things do happen.

I can understand totally what you went through with your child. My first went into congestive heart failure at 6 days old and had other heart defects. He was operated on at 7 days old. My wife and I slept on the waiting room floor with other parents for 2 weeks while the little tyke struggled to recover. He is alive and well today.

My second had High Risk SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome). She was on a breathing / heart monitor for 14 months at home. Several times she set it off and was starting to turn blue while we tried to revive her. She is alive and well today. The only problem with that monitor was that she learned that whenever the alarm went off, mom and dad came running in full speed. There she was standing in her crib holding the electrodes in her hands and smiling. Ya gotta love 'em.

I wish there was something I could add to what the others have said. Just do the best you can. That's all that is expected of us.

We are here for you, and feel what you are going through. Take one day at a time.

Katiegirl
02-02-2005, 06:50 PM
Stephanie

My marriage came to an end after 14 years when my kids were very young, due to my cross dressing and that was 20 years ago.

The first couple of years especially while solicitors were involved, were very difficult, however once the access, money and Divorce were finalised, life settled into a different routine. My Kids are adults now but I still see them regularly and they often asked for my advice.

Only you can decided wheither you can or want to save the marriage, however from your thread I don't seem your wife will stop you seeing Alice. If your marriage does fold then to start with it will be rough, but eventually you will settle on a new course in life and things will ease.

:)

Mind of a Woman, Body of a Man, Life is a Bitch

sherri
02-02-2005, 07:03 PM
Just do the best you can.
You hit the nail on the head, Ashleigh.

sherri
02-02-2005, 07:14 PM
you will always have the sisterhood here to come back to time and again for comfort and support.
Have you ever tried to hug a computer monitor? It lacks a certain something.

Just giving you a hard time, CR. :p


My oldest was a preemie too, 3 lbs 11 oz. He's fine now, almost 21. His mom moved off with him when he was 5, so I spent the next 7 years driving 12 hours to see him. He came to live with me when he turned 13 and never went back to his mom. He's my best friend now. But I can't begin to tell you how difficult those 7 years were.

Wendy me
02-02-2005, 07:16 PM
sister thanks for shareing that up date with us i/we will be here any time ypu need to vent .,laugh ,cry or if you need a hug,,,,,,,,,,,,sister you know if you need me just yell i be there ............

you are a good and worth while person , girlfreind dance when you can

love you girlfreind

Holly
02-02-2005, 07:40 PM
Steph,

I can't say I understand how you are feeling right now. I've never had to deal with the issues you are wrestling with. I can only add my support for you and pray that not matter what the ultimate outcome will be, that you will be strengthened, and that out of all this turmoil, you will find peace.

DonnaT
02-02-2005, 08:02 PM
Hang in there Stephanie.

I'll never understand how some women can just stop loving someone because of the clothes they wear or the amount of hair they have or don't have.

Or even the belief that they think the'll have a better life if they don't have to think about their husband being a CD by leaving him.

One of our sisters in Roanoke is going through the same thing. Even after saving her life in Nov, and staying with her in the hospital, and loaning her a wig and makeup when she got out of the hospital, and even respecting her wishes to never see her husband in a dress in the more than 30 years they've been married.

You do all you can do and hope for the best. Take comfort in the knowledge that you tried everything to save the marriage. It's definitely not your fault if it fails.

Tristen Cox
02-02-2005, 08:47 PM
Stephanie I'm understanding of where you are right now, and here's to more 'up' days to come. My thoughts are with you. Try to take it easy on yourself alright?
*hugs* Thank you for keeping us up to date. It does mean a lot:)




Love
Tristen

Ashleigh
02-02-2005, 09:23 PM
[QUOTE=wendy me] ............you are a good and worth while person[QUOTE]

Good comment Wendy. Stephanie and her family are worthwhile. I also want to emphasize (I know I don't need to) that every person on this forum and their families are worthwhile of our time and support.

Ashleigh
02-02-2005, 09:28 PM
Steph,
I can only add my support for you and pray that not matter what the ultimate outcome will be, that you will be strengthened, and that out of all this turmoil, you will find peace.

Holly, another great point. I hope no one takes offense to this but I will second Holly's statement. Prayer, constant communication with the Lord DOES help. If we ask with real intent and then listen to the promptings we receive, and act on those good promptings, we will be the happiest. Sometimes just the comfort of knowing that He is there and aware of each of us and our situations can get us through a tough time.

Chrissycd
02-02-2005, 09:29 PM
Stephanie, I can't offer much advice except to honor your Self. It can be one of the most difficult things though when children are involved. I wish you the best with this struggle.
warm hugs,
Chrissy

Kate_Uhler
02-02-2005, 09:42 PM
steph...

a big big hug to you for courageously facing the real world with what are your real feelings about who and what you are.

Being compassionate to those around you and true to your real self are two difficult actors to put together on the same stage sometimes.

It really is about doing the best under the circumstances as others have mentioned. Its not a perfect world, and the result is we are all asked to adapt. The irony here is typically its the children who are the ones most skilled and capable of adaptation. We see it all too often in situations where the parents can not. I think whats important to them is to see role models that are honest, that communicate their unconditional love and present a vision of what it means to be true to oneself. I have no doubt that what will be remembered by them is your love, courage and conviction. Gifts, by any measure, that a parent can pass on to their children.

I hope you can find common ground with your partner in either marriage or divorce.

hugs,
kate

Stephanie Brooks
02-03-2005, 07:30 AM
Thank you all!

I don't know what to say.

I've not given up yet.

Wendy me
02-03-2005, 07:38 AM
Thank you all!

I don't know what to say.

I've not given up yet.


sister no words needed..............we love you.................. :p

Stephanie Brooks
02-03-2005, 07:46 AM
I love all you people too!!!!!!

*BIG HUGGLES*

Love,

Stephanie

Sharon
02-03-2005, 09:43 AM
Thank you all!

I don't know what to say.

I've not given up yet.


Steph:
I don't have any advice for you other than to continue to fight for what you want and need. Just try to remain strong through these difficult times and I'm confident that happy days will once again return.

Love,
Sharon