Angry and alone

[bi_weird]

Anger's a funny thing, how it can sneak up on ya.
So I watched last week's episode of L-word tonight, the one where Max (the transman) has to deal with coming out to his girlfriend/bosses daughter and thinks he's going to lose his job. Afterwards I was talking with my two closest friends about it, how it'd suck to be Max and all that. Well one of them was like "yeah that sucks, but he shouldn't have lied about who he was." We talked about it, and how long it'd be okay to not tell the person you're with that your trans-in-stealth-mode, and yeah it was weird. I figured you get a few dates before you have to have that talk. She (who is really understanding about most things) figured that second date is the latest, and really it's just wrong to not do it immediately because some people aren't gay and all. Now the transgender bisexual in me found many things to argue with in that. I didn't realize how upsetting this would be, but I'm actually still quite angry about it, that she'd be so blunt about how wrong it be to be 'tricked' into dating a transperson.
Now, I know, there's a lot of reasons why it went the way it did. She's really stressed and tired, and she's asexual so not as open-minded about things that have to do with sex randomly, but grr. She's been soooooo depressing lately anyway, always stressed with school and grad stuff (and honestly sometimes forgetting I'm doing the same stuff, but I'm trying not to make that comparison to her) and she keeps going on rants about how weird sexual people (as opposed to asexuals like herself) are, and ugh. She's my best friend, and it's hard to be feeling so distant from her, and now tonight she starts talking like trans people who want to go on two dates before being called freakish are really wrong. And here I am, not even wanting to transition, and getting all upset over it.
Ugh.
I'm going to ramble more, because you guys are wonderful and know enough to just ignore half of what I say.
I know part of my frustration with this is that I feel very alone. I felt alone before the trans thing, 'cause my friends are straight and I'm bi. Progressively I feel more distant, but I don't feel like I can go to trans things either. We have events around campus, but it's really intimidating. You don't do things halfway here: I've seen the trans guys that go to LGBT events and they're all TS. I've already got an inferiority complex feeling like I'm not man enough on here, and to walk into a room filled with trans people who are passing, and to obviously not even be trying to pass(I don't even bind - just a sports bra when I want to hide the girls some) but just too look more androgynous, I'd feel very much like I don't belong. So I'm left with you guys, who are wonderful, but very much far away. Makes me want to take a road trip to NY, 'cause that's the closest any of you are I think (of the ftms at least).
Oi. I should shut up soon. I just need to go to bed. This homework's not getting done 'cause I'm too out of it to care, and I'm already down to five hours of sleep tonight. *sigh* Thanks for letting me ramble. It's good to know that you're out there and you'll at least be able to offer sympathy. G'nite, and I will talk to y'all tomorrow.

[Abraxas]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way, bi. It really is rough trying to find people to relate to without feeling like you're not 'one of them.'
I never feel like I can quite be one of the guys-- -even though when I'm hanging out at parties, the guys there are all really cool and include me and everything. There's mutual teasing and everything, but in the end I know I'm not really one of them.
And as for other trans guys, well, there aren't a lot around here. I've seen a few, but mostly from a distance, and it's kind of weird to just go up to one and say, 'hey, I'm like you. Let's be friends.' And they've never come up to me like that either. It's kind of weird-- the, I think, 2 or 3 transguys I've seen, we didn't make eye contact, not even a passing nod. Maybe it was fear of being outed on their part, or maybe they're just shy like me. Dunno. I doubt most people would notice a nod anyway-- they'd just think we were saying hi in that guy way, not conveying a secret message of, 'yeah, I get you.'
And I also feel like I'm kind of drifting away from my friends. Not necessarily for trans-related reasons or anything, but it sucks anyway. I haven't seen any of my friends in weeks, and I even find myself not daring to phone my best friend, who I've known since I was 6, because I don't agree with her decision about her relationship and I don't want to feel like I'm pressuring her one way or another. I know I need to slap some sense into her, but I almost feel like it's not my place.
My other friends, more the drinking buddies and acquaintences, I never really got to know on any sort of personal level, and I'm not sure whether that has to do with me being trans. All of them see each other on a regular basis-- they get coffee or sit round watching movies, do stuff one on one, but me... I'll occasionally get invited to a party because their mantra is 'the more the merrier.' I feel like I'm just a space-filler, but I'll take what I can get.
So I guess what I'm saying is that I've only ever gotten close to very few people, and they're slipping away from me, and I feel stuck. Hell, as of recently, I feel closer to all you guys than to my friends who I've known for years. You all certainly know more about me, and my goings-on, and my feelings, than any of my 'real life' friends at this point.
Anyway, my brain's mushy (as always) so I'll stop now, but bi, you've definitely got my support and it's always nice to have a bit of a ramble, eh?

:hugs:

[pocoyo]

Awww bi. :hugs: (((hug)))
Grrr what she said actually could be seen as quite offensive. I don't blame you for feeling hurt and upset. 'tricked', 'some people aren't gay'... lol errrmm.... !
Hmm sometimes we learn that our friends aren't quite who we thought they were or that they don't quite gel with us/get us.
I have experienced that and actually distanced myself from a lot of people.


This might sound odd but, that can be quite empowering in a way. That we know ourselves and realise that some friends aren't right for us and are strong and sensible enough to realise that and keep an appropriate distance.
Hmm I'm not sure I'm explaining what I mean quite right.

Uh... what I mean is it is cool to take the reins and not put up with stuff from people that aren't quite right for us, and sometimes we outgrow certain people. (Ok still explained badly & sounding mean! lol!).

I know it is hard because she is your best friend... another thought is that perhaps she just doesn't really realise what she is saying comes across as offensive, especially as the great public aren't particularly educated about transfolk (and she doesn't know that you might be trans). Perhaps you could calmly and kindly explain some stuff about transpeople to her so she gains a greater understanding?
I think it's a little unkind of her to assume that people who enjoy sex are weird lol! She is wrong there, but I suppose that if it's something she feels very strongly about then she will keep pitching the point. I guess she isn't actually a particularly open-minded/accepting individual in SOME areas. She is probably really cool in others though.
Perhaps it's just as simple as needing to sit down and have a friendly chat with her (with a serious edge!)

I know what you and Abraxas mean about being much closer and open with the people on here than many of my "real life" friends. It is much easier to open up to others that feel similar to you and where you don't have to speak face to face!! It also helps that most of the people here are really nice and open-minded and kind and acceptingand welcoming. And who are, what I believe in my (probably inverted-prejudiced) way, how people "should" be!

I have a feeling that if you did want to hang out with the transguys they would be pretty welcoming. I mean many of them would have had similar thoughts and feelings to you before so would probably understand. I think it's cool that there are transguys near you! I'd love to have a group here!
I sometimes see a couple of people who I suspect, but would never be rude enough to ask hehe!

Anyway, don't worry it will all sort itself out in the end...
*puts on posh Hugh Grantish English voice*... chin up, stiff upper lip and all that!
:hugs: :love:

[Sheila]

bi,
sorry hun don't know what to say but am sending you loads of :hugs: :hugs: :hugs:

[Adam]

sorry to hear your down wish i could make things better!!!

sometimes freinds say things that can be upsetting but they dont no there doing it even im sure she mean no harm in what she said.

hope your feeling better soon :hugs:

[CaptLex]

Sorry to hear that happened, Bi. But you know, even trans people sometimes disagree about this stuff, so it's not surprising to me that a non-trans person would feel that way. And it's hard to hear that from someone who you're friends with. It's been my experience that I can't explain and clarify things to someone if I'm upset, so I have to wait until I can calm down and speak more clearly. I agree with Adam that your friend probably didn't mean any harm, she was just calling it as she saw it in her limited knowledge and experience. I guess I would explain to her that it's hard for transpeople to know who to trust because even friends we've known forever can abandon us when they learn the truth, so we try to give people time to get to know us first before we reveal something that might send them running and screaming.

I know what you mean about wanting to hang out with more people like us. It's been a godsend to have this place to come to and discuss these things, and I'm fortunate to have a support group in this city where I can socialize with people like me. My non-trans friends are great too, but with them I have to wonder if they really get everything I tell them, or if they're humoring me sometimes. Anytime you want to come to NY, let me know and I'll be happy to introduce you to my friends who will welcome you with open arms (and that goes for all of you guys). :bighug:

Hope you're feeling better.

[pocoyo]

I agree with Adam that your friend probably didn't mean any harm, she was just calling it as she saw it in her limited knowledge and experience.

Yeah, probably (and hopefully!) :happy:. That's what I meant too when I said:



another thought is that perhaps she just doesn't really realise what she is saying comes across as offensive, especially as the great public aren't particularly educated about transfolk

I expect she just didn't realise how what she was saying sounded & doesn't know much about trans stuff. I didn't say it very well though. Plus it probably got lost in the waffle about me holding friends at arms length! :o


I guess I would explain to her that it's hard for transpeople to know who to trust because even friends we've known forever can abandon us when they learn the truth, so we try to give people time to get to know us first before we reveal something that might send them running and screaming.

Yes... rather than that transpeople lie! *gulp* :worried: :eek:

[bi_weird]

Haha Cap, watch out inviting me - I just might come and whine to you the whole time. *laughs* 'Cept my car wouldn't make it that far. But thanks for the offer.
Thanks for the replies guys. I'm feeling somewhat better today, but in this really blah place. I think tomorrow will see me dressing in girl clothes as a reaction. *sigh* I'm smiling...when I'm too busy to really think about anything. So I guess I'd best go get busy, and wait for this to pass.
Yeah Abraxes, I really don't want to loose my friends. I know a lot of why I'm so frustrated with this friend (there's been more incidents that weren't trans-related) is just that I'm graduating, and I got like this senior year of high school also. I think I distance myself so it doesn't hurt so much to leave people, but I don't want to distance myself so much that I lose the friendship. But you should call your friend - it doesn't do to get too cut off. If you have to, tell her you're going to be a blunt *@% for a half hour and tell her what you think, but then when that's over you'll respect her decision and be friends again.

[pocoyo]

it doesn't do to get too cut off.
Depending on the circumstances and people involved lol!
Obviously if you don't want to lose a friendship (like u and abraxas) it's not a good thing. But if like me you feel rather swamped and crowded by friends that want to see you all the time when you are longing for your own space then it's a good thing to have control and say "no". lol (Even though I'm a wimp and can hardly ever say no... I'm getting much better at it though).