CD Discovery/revelation???

[Sheila]

the thread entitled "Why do so many women leave" and the responces to it made me wonder how many cdr's were open about cding prior to the start of the relationship becoming serious, and how many were discoverd by their SO after many years of marriage, how many are still seriously in the closet through choice and how many are single either by choice or because of the breakup of the relationship due to in some part through CDING

[Daintre]

It is a good question Jess. I am one who didn't own up to my dressing before I was married, I was very ill informed back then. I had been to the library and the only information I could get was in the Clinical Abnormal Psychology section. I found transvestism listed under perversions. It did say that it was not restricted to homosexual men, but rather all types of men practiced this form of "perversion".

I was a very shy guy back in the day and my ex was the only girl I had ever dated. I had a constant battle in my head, show her I wore panties or not, well the not won out. I felt very strongly that when I married, all this would fade away, looking back now I know it was a fantasy and I would have done things so differently.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of the two lives I affected by this "gift". My ex never did re-marry and neither did I. I know now that if we could have weathered the storm, we would be a couple today.

My advice is...Be upfront...the heartache you both will suffer is not worth keeping the secret.

Sorry for the long answer.
Jenni

[Nigella]

I suppose I fit into the open about CDing prior to the start of the relationship becoming serious, mainly because the others don't fit.

Having said that, all the hints were there prior to "getting serious", but I only "told" Sandra 6 months after getting married. At this point, I would have readily accepted the "either Nigella or me" ultimatum. It was no bed of roses and it took us almost 12 years to get to the point where it was "open" in the house.

I thought at this point everything would be ok, but even at this stage I was to be shocked. We have read on the forum about the "deceit and lies", well the boot was on the other foot. Sandra appeared to have accepted "Nigella", that was until one point, after who knows what, she suddenly said "I F*****g hate it.

I was gobsmacked, not because of what she had said, I could relate to that, but to the fact that she had lied to me, after 12 or so years of being totally honest with each other in everything, she had been decietfull, to the extent it took all my will power not to walk out there and then.

We worked hard at making this "thing" work, we both realised that "Nigella" was here to stay, she was a part of me. We also realised the need to be totally honest and the need to make sure we both had our say listened to.

Nigella stayed inside the house, running and hiding when anyone came to the door for another 5 years until slowly all the family accepted that Nigella belonged outside in the fresh air with the rest of humanity.

All in all it took about 18 years for Nigella to rise from the "odd hint" to being a person in her own right. Now instead of being a part of me ...


... I am NIGELLA

For my :2c: Honesty is the best policy,

[Sandra]

Yep I learned the hard way that is why now if some ones asks, I tell them to be honest and open.

[Robin Leigh]

I don't know how to vote on this one. I've almost always told my girlfriends about my CDing fairly early in the relationship. Some were more accepting than others, but it's never been a major factor in the break-up, AFAICT, except maybe once. Sure, it may have been spoken about during fights, but that's all.

I'm currently single. I'd prefer not to be, but I really don't want to go through another relationship break-up.

Robin

[tommi]

My wife found and is still with me but relationship is really stressed at this point.:(

[Danielle2]

I was aware of my desire to dress when I first met my current wife but at that time there was very little information about crossdressing so I felt that I was one of a kind. I was not about to tell anyone about this aspect of my life.

Several years into the relationship, she discovered that I had purchased some lingerie. I was forced to admit my compulsion to dress in order for her to understand that I was not being unfaithful. This led to an arguement where I had to purge and promise never to do it again. That did not last very long. After numerous times of being caught again, I finally decided the lies and deceipt had to stop. We had several long discussions where I admitted to everything including going out while dressed.

Currently she is aware that I continue to dress but she does not want anything to do with it and does not care to discuss it. One statement she makes during each discussion is if I had told her before we were married she might have chosen another path. I am so glad this did not happen because in spite of my dressing she has made my life extremely happy. I keep hoping with continued communication, she will become more accepting of Danielle.

Danielle2

[gennee]

I started dressing a couple of years ago. I never had a desire in my life. When my spouse found some of my stuff, I told her. At first she was shocked. Now we share skirts, blouses, and tops. I wanted to tell her and that time came sooner than I expected. I wear femme tops around the house and paint my toenails. It's strange how things work out.

Gennee

:happy:

[melissacd]

My wife found and is still with me but relationship is really stressed at this point.:(

My wife found out about 10 years back and while she is still with me, the relationship is very strained and has never gone back to the way that it was before she found out. I know that if I had told her up front then the 25 years that we had together would never have happened. We are going through counseling now, however, she is very clear on where she stands on the whole CD thing - acknowledges it, hates it, wants it to go away, won't try and understand, distances herself from me because of it, is seriously considering ending the 25 years because she cannot stand it - so in my case, the cross dressing is a huge factor in the potential marital failure that may happen in 2007 and her hatred of my cross dressing colors every other aspect of the relationship making all of it very difficult every day. I do not honestly know how we have managed to stay together this past decade because of how strongly she feels about my CDing.

I know a few things for certain, my CDing won't go away, I enjoy my femme side a great deal and if this marriage fails then in the next relationship, if there is a next relationship, I will be up front about my CDing and how it is a non-negotiable part of who I am.

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

I told my wife after 20 years of marriage, she is committed to us and I'd have to do something really bad to get her to leave me, these are her words. If I had it to do over I wish that I told her before we got married because she deserves that from me. I had many issues with my crossdressing 20 years ago as I really did not understand it, always thought it was wrong and thought of all the typical stereotypes of it, go figure. I do understand it a whole lot more now, thanks to this site and my tri-ess group.

[Jenna1561]

I'm with Sandra Michelle on this. I told my wife after 20 years of marriage ( that was about7 months ago). We are still together but she is not supportive and wishes that I hadn't told her. I too wish that I had had the courage and foresight to tell her before I proposed.


Jenna

[Marla S]

Told her quite in the beginning. Didin't help much though. I didn't really know what it is all about and was not a good teacher. She tried to get used to it, but never got over her inner resistance.

[Kali]

My SO inspired me to find the cross-dressing urges that had been buried for 30 years or so. She is supportive and we are currently looking for the balance in our lives that will let me express my CD needs while still fulfilling her expectations of me in our relationship.

So none of the poll choices actually apply ;)

[krisla]

I lucked out and found a supportive gg friend that gave me the courage to tell my wife before we were married. She accepted I was a crossdresser but also has made it clear that she wants no part in it, but allows me time and space to do it and never complains about it. It's been like that for 25 years, at this point I know we can never be girlfreinds so I am happy to be her husband for her. I have found some nice GG friends that I have been able to share this side of me with and now I have some Girl Friends through the forum.

Krisla

[suchacutie]

My situation is that WE discovered my interests in CDing together after 30 years of marriage. I think we need categories for those of us who started after we were married with/without the knowledge of our partners?


tina

[Billijo49504]

Mine learned when she was still an employee. A live in baby sitter. She wondered who's panties those large one's were. That took care of that...BJ

[Tina B.]

I didn't fit your poll, five years into the mariage, we had spilt because of other issues, and had been apart for about a week, and where talking about getting back together, and trying to work out the problems, that is a heck of a time to figure ot out, but I knew if we whree going to go on with this mariage, and if I was going to find any happeness in my life, I ahd to do it right, so when we got together to talk, I told her all about me, and told her if I could not be myself, it wouldn't work, so there was no use trying, and if she didn't want to get back together I would understand. Thirty years latter, we are happily married, I drress at home any time I want, but am still in the closet to the rest of the world, and we both seem happy enough to go on the rest of our lives this way!
Tina B.

[marie354]

My relationship with my SO is great. I told her on the 3rd date and she was OK with it. I didn't have to hide my wardrobe at all with her. She never let me dress around her freely until last November. When she told me I could dress anytime I wanted, I was shocked and in total disbelief. I asked her 3 times if she was sure and then ran off to the bedroom to change. I havn't been out of the house yet, but I've been dressing almost 24/7 since.
She is a wonderful understanding woman and there isn't anything I wouldn't do for her. I ask her once in a while if she's still OK about it, and it's still OK! Wow!
Of course I have to give credit where it's due... All of the threads and posts that I have read to her or that she has peeked over my shoulder and read herself has helped a great deal.
So the credit goes to all of the wonderful people here. Thank you all for helping reach this point in my life.

[Sally24]

I told my wife to be 3 months after we started living together and about 6 months before we were engaged (it was the 70's, what can I say!). Her only concern was did I like men. I was a very occasional crossdresser then, actually mostly fantasised. Years later she made a deal with me, if I didn't start smoking pot again (I had just spent 6 clean years in the Navy), then she would help me dress fully. The infamous "pot for panties deal". It was years again, mostly because of children, before we actually got around to this. 2 years ago we started fully dressing me and working on my technique. 6 months later I got a makeover and we went out to eat. We've been girlfriends eversince and take weekends and vacations as such. I am one of the lucky ones to find a woman who not only accepts my dressing, but actively participates and finds the humor in some of our unlikely situations.

It was hard to share the CDing with my SO but it was the best decision of my life! I urge anyone starting a relasionship to be up front about this as soon as you think you can.

Sally

[ubokvt]

I feel none of the responses quite fit. When I married I was in a state of denial and extream repression. We had been married for about 4 years and I had not dressed the entire time or really thought about it. Then she, a practical farm girl needing barn clothes,started wearing some of my underwear and I freaked, all my issues and denial came up, She said I was an idiot and it was just clothes but it brought the issue into our relationship. She could understand my reaction and kept digging. Over time, a year and a half, my story came out, the repression, curiosity, denial, early childhood. She encourage me to at least see what it felt like, and as things opened in me, it became clear to her it was more that just curiosity and she told me I was a dresser and I had to face myself. So you might say my loving wonderful partner pulled me out of myself. I would have never of got here if she hadn't made it possible, so where do I fit.

[Raychel]

It wasn't until after about 15 years of marriage that I finally had the courage (with the help of this forum) to tell my wife. I will admit that there sure was some rough days, but she has realized that I am still the same man that she married. And hopefully we will live happily ever after. :hugs:

[Tina Dixon]

I was discovered, and she's still with me, but I think she has put Tina very far in the closset:(

[Glenda]

I am single by choice. My wife left me and the kids after 23 years of marriage. I didn't discover that I was a CD until about 7 years after the divorce. Since then I haven't found the "right" girl. To be honest, I really didn't want to find anyone to marry until fairly recently. Now I'm getting a little tired of the free and open single life.

Every one I date knows about my CDing. Most haven't had any problem with it. A couple of them did try to change me but I told them if they didn't accept it then they didn't really accept me. They have both come to understand and accept it but I don't really trust that they would welcome it in a longer term relationship. I feel they've showed their stripes, just as I have. So we're just friends.

I socialize with and date a lot of nice (and some not so nice) people but I don't feel that any are "the one". I do hope I meet her one day.

[Jocelyn Quivers]

I told my wife about Jocelyn about year into our relationship when we first started dating. My decision in doing so was that she was making big changes in her life to be with me. She was going to be moving from another city to be close to me. She also had the choice of moving with her parents out of state but chose to stay where we live now to be with me.

That she would not I was very scared at the time that she would not approve of Jocelyn. She could have told all of my friends, my parents, her parents and my employer that she was breaking up with me and that my femme side was the reason why. Being that no one else knows about my femme side this would have been a life shattering event. I seriously consisedered trying to keep Jocelyn a secret from her permanently.

I finally realized that I would have to take a chance and realize that we both loved each other and that I needed to place trust in our relationship by telling her before we both moved on to becoming engaged with each other. Her only reaction was that I and Jocelyn had better remain faithful to her.:happy:

[PaulaJaneThomas]

I've always been honest about being transgender (although that wasn't a term I was familiar with in the old days). I think before you can start being honest with other people you have to honest with yourself.

[lauraabdl]

I know how CDing is all to well an eye opening experience for your SO. I have lost three SO's to them finding out about my CDing. The closet was where I stayed for years, afraid to come out any at all. My fourth wife (I know I just can't help myself) found out about some of my CDing after 7 years of marriage, we are now almost 11 years and she still knows but does't really want me to dress, but has recently let me wear nite gowns and silky robe in mornings. Laura

[silkie h]

I will qualify my vote slightly to read that I told my wife after several YEARS into our relationship & we are still together. We were not married at the time , but we are now.