Have ya ever been asked????

[Felix]

Have ya ever been asked whether your just being carried along with this whole experience, especially since ya joined the board? Well yesterday I was asked this very question. I've been asked it before but not with the same implications.I tried to answer as honestly as possible and I understand why ppl could think this because my feelings have become more intense since I joined the board. Thing is I looked for this board I didn't just stumble across it and think oh I'll look. It was agreed that I had exhibited these things in a lesser form for years but that now it has become more intense. I think that is because I am with like minded ppl and not as my parents would think that I don't have my own mind. That was also agreed. I question myself constantly about everything I feel and I have always sorted my own head out, with the help of my SO and good friends who have time to listen actively. This whole thing is scary for my SO and myself that goes without saying. I take this seriously and would never do anything without a lot of thought and research. This is my life and my body and my health so it has to be taken seriously. Wider still it is how it affects the ppl around me and that is not to be taken lightly either.
I think all my life I have been treated like I don't have my own mind, my parents always think I get carried away with things, it's most disconcerting.
I always ask myself why I have never been happy with myself until now and I always come back with the same answer because you have not been yourself your whole whole life and now you are starting to become the person you wanna be what ever form that may end up.
It was also agreed that I suit my persona now no doubting that.
So my friends what do ya make of all of this. Must be the longest post I've ever wrote :heehee: xx Felix :hugs:

[kittypw GG]

Felix,
I can see why someone would think that. I looked for places like this too. I was searching for people like me in the same situation. Well what I have discovered is that everyone is fist of all different and then second at different levels of acceptance of their so's or themselves. I have found myself doubting myself or feeling shame at not being as accepting of certain things as others. I have even put aside my comfort with something based on the fact that others are ok with certain things or behaviors. When that happened it turned out to be a disaster. Knowing that others did not have a problem with "it" (whatever situation that may be) might have influenced me to swallow my feelings so as not to appear unaccepting. Then I realized ignoring your own feelings (whatever they may be) is not the way to go and move forward to acceptance.

I have adopted the philosophy that I need to go at my own pace and it's ok to not accept things that others find acceptable. When my comfort is being challanged then it is my job to express my feelings to my partner and expect open communication about why the certain situation or behavior is important to them. Just as I would when something is important to me.
So now instead of "following the pack" I allow myself to be me. This is why communication about your intentions of doing something are so terribly important. I think that the missinterpretation of the intention is usually behind my lack of acceptance or my feelings of disscomfort. Hope this makes some sense.

:love: Kitty

[kerrianna]

:hugs: Felix, you're so cool.


I'm the one who's asked me that question. It's a very valid question. The problem is, as with most things in life, what is innate and what is influenced by society, experience (this board) etc.? I sometimes wonder if I'm trying to 'keep up' with some members of this forum? Like, oh that sounds so cool to have been born like that - maybe me too? I know some people will think give me a break - I'm suicidal about this and you WANT to be like me? It's just when you're searching, floating, sometimes that certainty seems attractive.

It's a very complicated question, because there are so many things at play. I never even considered the gender thing as an issue until recently. It's part of the bigger picture for me, but it's a big part for sure.


I always ask myself why I have never been happy with myself until now and I always come back with the same answer because you have not been yourself your whole whole life and now you are starting to become the person you wanna be what ever form that may end up.

This is totally how I feel these days. I saw a counselor for the first time today and I said almost exactly the same thing. It's funny (not haha funny) how you can go through most of your life not even realizing what's dragging you down or holding you back. I'm actually quite excited about changes washing over me now. In the past I would have resisted them, but thanks in large part to the people here I feel like my life really can be open and free. I'm determined to make it that with the help of my friends here.
I hope you feel the same way. :hugs:

[Madeleine]

I have to agree with all that been said above. There is a lot of euphoria generated by some who have moved further up the trans spectrum, and I too have been caught up in it to a certain extent. Its an area to be wary of.

My last doctor visit on Thursday and Psychiatrist visit yesterday both warned me to 'SLOW DOWN'. Be aware of both yourself and your expectations, as well as those of others, but comparisons can have serious consequences.

Hope you get where you really want to go, and remember that to travel well is sometimes better than to arrive (that was a probable misquote from someone much cleverer than me).

Love Maddie :hugs:

[Dasein9]

Kerrianna, are we related? I was going to write much the same thing. I do ask myself whether I'm just getting caught up in a community. That's why I'm going to hold off from starting T for a bit, although I do think the name-change is coming up soon.

The key thing, I think, is just giving myself permission to be who and what I am. That doesn't mean that I have to be enthusiastic about everyone else's choices, nor does it mean that I have to participate in every activity. For instance, when I first started coming out, I saw my first bootblack. I gave it a try, and enjoyed having my boots polished in a bar, but when he wanted to kiss them, I was quite uncomfortable. I'm just not really in that scene, and am not going to participate just because it's the thing to do.

[bi_weird]

I think it's very natural to get caught up in things, but that doesn't mean it's not real. We just act out when we can. See, I hang out with mostly straight people, so it's always boys I talk about. But when I go to LGBT things or hang out with a lesbian couple I know, well dang I'm all about the girls. At home with my parents I try to be normal, and then when I get back to school I'm all about being dorky and odd to the extreme. It doesn't mean it's not real because I'm following the pack. I'm following the pack because I can't always be a certain way all the time and so I get really excited when I can. (Not that my straight friends don't want me to be bi, they just don't feel like checking out girls with me)
But yeah, I've asked myself that question a lot. I've changed so much since joining this forum, and the person I am on here is very different than the person I am in real life. Thing is, there's something there. The feeling of contenedness when I put on a pair of boys jeans at the mall the other day, or when my one guy friend talks to me like I'm a guy, that tells me that I'm not making it all up. So I can act out as much as I want, and to heck with anyone who says I'm just following the crowd.

[Felix]

Thanx you guys and gals this has all made so much sense I can relate to you all and thats why I know this is the right place for me and it doesn't matter if I'm in the slow lane cos that's where I like to be I have been discovering myself all my life and will continue to do so even if I come to no hard and fast conclusions about things. At the moment I am very open about certain things like how I dress but other things I keep private and only share with my SO and those I feel totally at ease with, such as all of you and close friends who I can trust. I don't even share some stuff with close friends for fear they wouldn't understand. I have been asked a few times if I'm in denial because when asked if I would transition I have said yes there is certain things I want and there is so far I would go. Thing is ppl don't understand that concept and then think I'm in denial of who I am or want to be. It is hard for everyone those who are trans and those who are related or friends and this I must always remember because it isn't just about me, it is about all the people who know me or who have known me or who will know me. It is about timing, work and so much more, do ya know what I mean??
Anyways keep the replys coming cos I feel so much positive energy coming through this thread xx Felix :hugs:

[Casey Morgan]

I have been asked a few times if I'm in denial because when asked if I would transition I have said yes there is certain things I want and there is so far I would go. Thing is ppl don't understand that concept and then think I'm in denial of who I am or want to be.

Aw, Felix. :hugs: It's the absolute pits when people pretty much say to your face, online or off, that you aren't who you say you are. I get a version of that, either being told I'm not the gender I am or that I'm a CD with fantasies. It's amazing how many experts there are who don't have the training to back it up, isn't it? You know you better than anyone. Their failure to understand your reality doesn't alter that reality one bit.

Slow lane? I thought the recommended speed on your path was "Felix". That IS the speed you're going, isn't it? It sounds to me like all is good there.

Getting back to your original post, I've been accused of making myself fit what I've read here. (Dad and I really haven't talked about any of this since.) It's not a case of becoming what's written here, it's a case of discovering that people are writing who you are. It's about discovering that other people feel like you do, and that gives you the encouragement to open up more, which in turn shows you that some people feel like THAT, too.


I always ask myself why I have never been happy with myself until now and I always come back with the same answer because you have not been yourself your whole whole life and now you are starting to become the person you wanna be what ever form that may end up.

Same here. And it feels absolutely great becomming that person, doesn't it?

Like they used to say, keep on keepin' on.

[Kate Simmons]

Hi Felix, I've always marched to the beat to my own drum. Since being a member of the Forum, I've discovered more about myself and possibly my motivations for doing what I do which, quite honestly, I never really questioned before. Sometimes I think I tend to over analyze things though and like Sigmund Freud said :"Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar". The bottom line is that I've become comfortable with who I am in both states and have decided like the Beatles songs says to just "Let it be". I've found out that indeed, most of my life was spent trying to please other people and being who they wanted me to be. I've pretty much said goodbye to that and am now content with being myself. I tend not to think that much about it and just do it and that seems to work out better. As a result, my philosophy has become a "live and let live" one and I appreciate everyone else for who they are as a person and expect no less of how they perceive me. The gender dynamics for myself are more about balancing myself as a person and less about apprearance and the reason for being who I am has very little to do with dressing and presenting myself in a certain way. For me it has become more of a spiritual journey.:happy:

[Charleen]

Wow, I can relate. When I stumbled across this site I was overjoyed and also as it turns out, overwhelmed. Long story short, got on that pink cloud and took off. Had a blast, but eventually started to feel uncomfortable. I went too far, too fast. When I get caught up in something I love, I can get carried away. I forget a piece of advice I was given years ago. That being, we have a thinker (head) and a knower (heart) and when those 2 don't agree, don't do it!
For all my life, I tried to be what I thought I was "supposed" to be. Taking clues not only from my folks, but ppl I met. The thing is that I could never figure it out. Never felt totally comfortable. Then came this site, and all you wonderful people. After I fell from the cloud, I have able to start finding me, accepting me for who I am. I am finally able to live up to my tag line- comfortable in my own skin. That's what I work on, getting comfortable with me. I have found that when I am, I get along better with myself (see above) and with others and am not letting myself try to imitate behaviors in those others to try to find me. I'm me and no one else. What a relief that tid-bit has given me! I can be me!
I still am confused on alot of things, but by taking my time and thinking things through, I am progressing and looking forward to the further discoveries about me down the road. Alot has happened in a little over a year. Lost my wife, son moved out to start his own life, coming to terms with "Lily" ect. Have no idea about that, but various thoughts to sift through, but now I can take my time. Hpe I made some sense. It's hard to put in B&W what's going through my head.
Love and xxxx, Lily

[Kimberley]

Great queston Felix!! Gee you should chatter more often.

I have said many times there is very real danger of falling into a herd mentality or mass hysteria of sorts, if you will. It is something I have tried to battle at every turn not only for myself but others as well. The other side of the coin is empowerment, that is giving ourselves permission to change; to become who we really are. It really is a very fine line and I believe one that is often obscured with a desire to conform to a label. This brings us to the path of self acceptance. I think this phrase is grossly misunderstood.

What it means to me. It means being comfortable with myself; not others or society, but me. It means recognizing that this person I am is an ongoing battle of yin and yang that cannot ever be fully satisfied due to the influences of others; even my own internal questioning.

What it doesnt mean is that I will go forward and force myself on others. I wont offend the sensibillities or values of others because of my own needs or desires but I will stand up for myself if I have to, and at that, only if it is necessary.

Why would it be necessary? Persecution or ignorance. To right a wrong or to help someone who is struggling.

Have I been asked? Many times both internally and externally.

What this site has done is provided me with the strength to recognize my own values, strengths and weaknesses and from meeting others, empowered me to stand a little taller because I know who I am and what I am.

What this site cant do is determine my directions. That is a choice of free will, one that must be considered carefully without the influences of the herd, society or anyone else.


:hugs:
Kimberley.

[pocoyo]

Yeah Felix!

I have been asked that before... but I am like you... it's not like I just found this place and went "oh cool.. I want to be like that..." its actually a case of
I had these thoughts and feelings and finally reached out to some like-minded people!

I guess it's just natural for people to wonder that (I often even wonder it myself).

I'm glad that you are on the path to feeling happy!!

:D :hugs:

[CaptLex]

Have ya ever been asked whether your just being carried along with this whole experience, especially since ya joined the board?
I haven't been asked that by others, but I asked myself that and it's one of the obstacles I had to go through while deciding whether or not to transition. Like many have said, being here was a positive influence - I found out that I wasn't being carried away, I was just finally finding my place on the gender spectrum. Good question, Felix. Sounds like you've got a handle on yourself. :thumbsup:

[pocoyo]

Sounds like you've got a handle on yourself. :thumbsup:
:heehee:

[CaptLex]

:heehee:

Oh no . . . don't read anything into that Mr. Cheeky! :tongueout

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

On the MTF side, the "pink haze" is a well-known danger -- or at least it should be a well-known one.

Part of it is a bit understandable. After being in denial for a life-time, there's a tendency to want to make up for lost time. Which can be egged on by "cheerleading" that I've definitely seen. (Not saying it goes on here.) Sometimes it's in-your-face, like the TS said she knew a good surgeon for when I was ready -- within a few minutes of meeting me for the first time. Sometimes it's subtle, i.e. "of course" one would like to go out in public, get laser, start hormones, whatever. Or that someone one isn't is a "real [whatever]" if you don't transition/go out in public/whatever. Which is why I started added my "standard disclaimer" to all the posts about my outings (in essence saying going out is right for me, YMMV).

There is an unfortunate strain of thinking in some trans circles that (overtly or not) regards partners as one more obstacle to "finding one's true self" and that any reservations the partner have are somehow transphobic. But that ignores the fact that as we change identities, we're forcing our partners to change identities to. For partners of hetro CDs, it's that they're no longer the "het normal" woment they thought they were. For partners of gay CDs, it's dealing with being attracted to someone who's a nellie gay (generally not well-respected in the gay community) or "worse," somone who's woman-ish -- and maybe the partner isn't as queer they thought they were. Same goes for the FTM side. Particularly, for the partners of someone who transitions socially and/or surgically. From what I've heard, it can be just as hard for lesbian partners to suddenly find themselves seen as hetro as for hetro partners to suddenly be seen as lesbian.

(One of the things I like about Helen Boyd's work and her forum is it's one of the few places dedicated to the position that partners matter. Matter a lot. Certainly there have been people who've been screwed up by partners. But personal pain is not a platform.)

For what it's worth, from what I've seen going slow does seem to give some partners the time they need to adjust. (Some partners can't, and in that case, sad though it is, it's probably better for both concerned to part ways -- but without giving it a try, one won't know without giving it a try.) I'm sure going slow can be frustrating at times, but my take on it is that things are different when one is in a relationship. There are lots of compromises involved in keeping a relationship going.

Anyway, I just wanted to commend you for taking time to think through what you want to do and what the implications are. For what it's worth, I know MTF TSs who postponed -- or even declined -- transition for the sake of their SOs and families. I'm not sure that's the right decision for you, I only wanted to point that they weren't any less "TS" for doing so. Nor were those who transitioned after trying to avoid so for the sake of their families any less "caring." Each did what they ultimately felt they had to do, and that's a personal decision that no one but you can make. It's the folks who plunge heedlessly ahead who've caused some of the horror stories I've heard.

[Felix]

Thanx Y'all these are such great replies. what can I say!! I want as many ppl to look at this as possible so I'm gonna try to edit the title so we get loads of replies cos I'm sure this will help us all xx Felix :hugs:

[Abraxas]

When I first came out to my mum and brother... Well, it wasn't planned out. I was just really upset about something and they cornered me, so I started rambling, like I do, and it kind of came out. They sort of accused me of trying to emulate Eddie Izzard, which is pretty much the same thing. After I explained some stuff and pointed out a few obvious clues, they backed off about it.
And, I'll admit, I do consciously emulate people I like and respect, but it's more a case of picking up mannerisms and speech patterns and suchlike. Or if I hear they like something I'll try it out (like I'll read a book they like, or watch a film, that kind of thing). I even find myself reading interviews and such, and when they get personal, into the person's feelings and such, I do often have a 'hey, I'm like that, too' moment. But I think that's more a case of being subconsciously drawn to people who are similar to myself, only to find out later how similar we really are. Or something.
But it wouldn't go so far as actually changing my personality to be like them. I wouldn't have suddenly decided to 'become' transgendered after watching an Izzard DVD, y'know?
Eeeesh. I don't know if I've answered this question properly at all.