boundaries

[Jolin]

As GG I have at last come to accept my partner as a crossdresser. I have found I enjoy her company and think of her as a new 'friend'. But there are times I want my old man back and I thought he had agreed to this. But now I find he is using breast creams and pills to increase bust size. I feel this is crossing the line as he will be 'she' even in men's clothing. am I being unreasonable or is he edging towards transgender rather than crossdresser? I love him (and her) but his seems like a bridge too far. Has anyone else had to deal with this?

[Missy]

you have the right too feel the way you do about your boundaries
crossdressing is one thing but body changing gose way past the clothing
for me the cloths just was not enough I wanted my boobs to be bigger and I started day dreamming about being a girl even while I was making love too my wife. I kept pushing the line
my wife sat me down and told me if I was to keep on the road I was going that she would start sleeping in the other room and that she would not make love any more for she did not marrie a girl but a man
Since I am a man I still think with other parts of my body
I still wear girl cloth about 50% of the time and I do notice that when I do have on girl clothing she still says she loves me but the hugs and touchs are less then when I am in male clothing
Missy

[Sheila]

Jolin,

Hi I am Jess ths SO of Claire jane, can I ask how long you have known of your Partners cding and if you have sat down and talked about bounderies and limits for you both.

Yup most of us have various bounderies and lines drawn, some are soft bounderies they are generally movable as you become more accepting and others are hard bounderies generally things you never envisage ever moving on ......... bounderies vary from couple to couple.

hope this helps

Jess

[RachelDenise]

Boundaries are very important. They need to be discussed up front without any hidden agenda. Communication is the key. We all need to respect the limits of our partners. If not, then you can always be alone and looking for someone else. I'm having to agree with Jolin on this one.

[Karren H]

Well, that's why I'm glad my wife doesn't participate in my hobby... 1) she gets the man she wants, and B) I get to be as girly as I want and wear what I like to wear....

Karren

[Suzie S.]

Hi Jolin! I'm sure there are others here that can help you more than I can, but I understand how you feel, being in your partner's shoes myself. I may not be a GG, but I do understand boundaries. I also understand how difficult maintaining the boundaries are. But, as hard as it may be, there needs to be some, regardless if you are married or not. From the crossdressers perspective, it keeps the cding from overpowering other aspects of a relationship. I may get a little too wrapped up in cding sometimes, but the boundaries keep it from hijacking other facets of my relationship with my wife. YOU, should always be the #1 most important priority in his life. CDing may come in 4th or 5th, and you two need to decide on #2 and #3 as a couple.:2c:

For you to recognize that cding is an important and legitimate aspect of your partner's life is commendable. You have a huge heart to accept this side of him. In return, he needs to realize the impact that this has on you, and the key to it all is open and honest communication. If you don't set MUTUAL boundaries (agreed upon by both of you), then, in his eyes, he hasn't crossed any.

I hope this helps just a little, and I wish you both luck! :hugs:

[occdresser]

i would say he is crossing the line:eek: :hmph: , but if that is what he-she wants to do, maby sit down and have a discussion.

[Joy Carter]

I gave myself to my wife when I married her. So until that changes she gets J-- until I die.

Courage Jolin and do start making your fears know to your SO. BTW those creams and pills are worthless.


:hugs: Joy

[geekinthepinkcd]

As GG I have at last come to accept my partner as a crossdresser. I have found I enjoy her company and think of her as a new 'friend'. But there are times I want my old man back and I thought he had agreed to this. But now I find he is using breast creams and pills to increase bust size. I feel this is crossing the line as he will be 'she' even in men's clothing. am I being unreasonable or is he edging towards transgender rather than crossdresser? I love him (and her) but his seems like a bridge too far. Has anyone else had to deal with this?

Fortunately, I guess, 99.99% of those breast creams and pills to increase your bust size are "snake oil", if you will. I'm a firm believer that before one should starting taking hormones or attempting to change their body they should give therapy a chance.

Some of us, like myself, are happy with the parts we have and have no desire to change. Others fantasize about and others actually go through with it. I think there is a fine line between fantasizing about altering your body and actually doing so and he ought to do you the justice of at least seeking therapy before he starts doing things that may cause irreparable damage to his body.

Just my :2c:

[marie354]

I wouldn't worry about the creams and lotions, even lavendar oil only effects young boys, according to reports that I've read.
Sit down with her and have that heart-to-heart talk to express just where your boundries are.
If she wants real breasts, she'll have to speak to a doctor about HRT... It's the only way to do it, and is rather more permanant. A lot of careful thought should be taken.
Draw your lines or boundries, and explain it in no uncertain terms. Mine did... And I'll quote her... "If you want to make love you better not be even wearing perfume as it will turn me off completely and you'll be left in the dark alone."
I understood that quite well, and understand her feelings about it. I'm too old for HRT, so that is not a problem with us.
She lets me have as much freedom about dressing as I want, but when she needs Sam, she tells me...
My world revolves around her and I can't see me doing anything to upset the balance that we have.
-- Hope this helps a bit --
~~ Sandy ~~

[Sandra]

The line has definatley been crossed you need to talk with your SO. Are the tablets done through a Dr? if not he is puting his own health at risk and the creams as Joy has said are worthless.

[Laura Jane]

It unreasonable to expect your partner to remain unchanged in any or every aspect over the course of a long marraige. It is also unreasonable to expect a partner to accept any and every change.

Thats why divorce was invented!

The old saying of marry in haste repent at leisure is very apt. All these sort of issues should be discussed and resolved before you marry. Of course your partner may have developed this interest after you married in which case it is neither of your fault and perhaps it may be something you can not resolve to both of your satisfication.

[trannie T]

It may be a better thing to spend the money he's wasting on worthless potions on a few sessions with a marriage and family counselor.

[Colleentg]

It was hard for my ex, too, and eventually we had no choice but to find our own destinies - divorce. I think we're both happier, she found a 'real' man and I found the real woman in me. There was no in-betweens or suggestions that would have kept us together, even after hours of counseling. But each relationship is different.

[Tamera]

Hi Jolin,
I feel that at this time he is leading in the direction of crossing the line.
Why do I feel that way?
1. Because he is experimenting(right now going the cheap route) with changing the looks of his body on a permanant basis. Which could lead to more changing.

You will need to ask him how far he plans on going with his CD. And then at that point either accept or not.
Good Luck,
Tamera

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

if your not happy with something then you MUST discuss this with ur partner hun. or else it will eat away @ you, and become worse !! your worried as well about what hes doing, and you care about his health as well.like has been said are these tabs done through the DR ?? he MUST be careful.
communication is a big MUST thoughout the c/d and so i hope you can sort this out asp :hugs:

[suchacutie]

And after communication comes trust and fidelity. I agree with much of what has been written above, so let's summarize and augment :).

The breastcreams, etc. are just a waste of money and a betrayal of your trust (I really don't think that's too harsh!). The two of you must must must have a discussion of boundries and both of you must not only stick to the letter of those boundries, but work hard to make sure you never reach them! Your SO must respect the fact that you want the man you married. Within that boundary, you may have others you want to set to keep you comfortable. If he is not sure, HE (not she) needs to talk to you about the issue to see if it goes beyond your boundry.

My wife is incredibly supportive, but she has boundries as well. I know she has given me an incredibly important gift of support in my feminine adventure....your SO needs to understand that as well, and that losing your support would be a terrible blow to his world!

just my :2c:

tina

[Casey Morgan]

Jolin, as other have said, he has crossed the line and you are not being unreasonable. You should sit down and talk to him about this.

As far as is he transgendered rather than "just" a crossdresser (the emphasis is mine). In my own experience, and from the experiences others have related, discovering that your gender isn't male, whether it turns out it's female or somewhere in between, tends to come under the category of things that make you go "oh s***, now what?" It's unlikely to be, but not impossible to be, along the lines of "cool, I think I'll grow me some boobs". Without knowing anything more than just what you've said, I would be very tempted to believe he isn't transgendered. But he needs to understand that this is a big thing FOR HIM and he really should be sharing this with you openly and honestly.

[Angie G]

Jolin my wife feels the same about having her man about so she get the weekends I get the middle it work for me :hugs:
Angie

[amanda barber]

I feel this is crossing the line as he will be 'she' even in men's clothing. am I being unreasonable or is he edging towards transgender rather than crossdresser? I love him (and her) but his seems like a bridge too far. Has anyone else had to deal with this?

What line? It's his body.
It not a game, it doesn't end or go away. deal with it.

[suchacutie]

then everything is shared. anything one of the partnership does affects the entire partnership. if one of the members goes off by him or her self, then there is no longer a partnership, but two individuals. Single people have total control over their lives...a partnership is a very different animal, unless they are two singles who happen to be together with no strings...

serious issue.

tina

[CharleneCD]

I am going to have to say she has crossed your boundries but for a different reason than the others who have responded. All relationships require communication. Not talking to you first before embarking on such a major change was not cool.

[CharleneCD]

What line? It's his body.
It not a game, it doesn't end or go away. deal with it.

Sorry Amanda, it doesn't work that way in relationships. Taking that attitude is a good way to remain single and lonely for the rst of your life.

[Sheila]

Sorry Amanda, it doesn't work that way in relationships. Taking that attitude is a good way to remain single and lonely for the rst of your life.


:iagree: and I would never embark on any major body changes without first consullting not just my partner but also my kids.......... and in passing good friends........ I believe that any changes we make has an effect on them as well and it is only fair to at least warn friends just my :2c:

jess

[battybattybats]

This is less in response to the specific situation but instead to the notion of boundaries and where lines can ethically be drawn.

I have a big problem with some notions of boundaries from a legal, philosophical and logical point of view. Not to mention a feminist one.

Women have fought long and hard to be owners of there own bodies, so that laws that said that rape could not exist within marriage and other such nonsense were removed in most countries. Would it be ok for men to dictate to their wives how they dressed? What medical procedures they could or could not go through? How about childbirth, would it be ok for the husband to insist the wife get pregnant? To carry a child to term or to terminate? Logically I conclude that every (at the very least sane adult) individual must have complete freedom over their own bodies and that a partner may not have to like those choices and of course can say so but I don't see that they have a right to any more say in them than that.

Philosophically I come to the same conclusion. I accept the concept that a person can claim no right that they do not freely allow to others therefore if one person can draw boundaries over the freedom of their lover than the same must work the other way. I find that totally unacceptable. Sure coming to terms with the fact that people you care about have the right to make their own decisions even if you toatally disagree can be tough but I think it's a vital part of maturing ethically and emotionally.

Sure most relationships don't work that way. That means that most relationships are unethical and most people think it's ok to do things that are wrong. It means that the logical consequences of feminism and the enlightenment haven't been fully accepted into everybodies lives. When I look at reports of honor killings in some countries, at rape and torture as tools of warfare and as punishments in third world countries I am forced to conclude that what makes them wrong is a principle that means that while I can ask my partner not to subject me to secondhand smoke I can't order or force her to quit. The same follows through to all things big and small.

It can be hard sometimes and I can catch myself being hypocritical from time to time without realising it but if I am going to oppose sexism and bigotry and such in general society then I have to be as consistant as possible in all things. Just cause it's in a relationship I don't see that as an excuse.

In this specific situation I agree that communication is important.. but as a courtesy to inform not to ask permission.

[Lanore]

I'm glad I'm not married or have a SO.

Lanore

[amanda barber]

Sorry Amanda, it doesn't work that way in relationships. Taking that attitude is a good way to remain single and lonely for the rst of your life.

Like battybats said allowing someone else to control aspects of your life like that is not a relationship. At best its poor self esteem causing one to settle for a bad situation instead of a loving/supporting one because they feel they don't deserve or couldn't get a better situation.