My softer side is low priority for my wife

[lowlavalentine]

My dressing may be important to me, but it's not at all to my wife. She says she's not necessarily opposed to me dressing, but it's not high on her list of priorities. Thus I usually wait until she's away or I'm away to dress. I'll take indifference over outright rejection but it does mean there is a large part of my life that we don't share. We have talked about it quite a bit over the years, but I don't see either of us changing appreciably.

[Rikkicn]

Sounds like me a few years back. My wife was like yours so i decided to divorce her. That was 6 years ago and now I'm remarried to a woman the loves, loves, loves! my dressing and encourages it. It is an intricate part of our sex life too.

It was a good decision, for me

[Michelle (Oz)]

Very very similar to my situation but I'm still working at more positive acceptance altho trying to curb my natural impatience.
Yes, it would be great for our wives to share this very important part of our lives for many reasons but I think to myself how fortunate I am to be able to keep my clothes in the open, wash them as I need and have her support and opinion when shopping. Many Cders would give their eye teeth for that.
Michelle (Oz)

[kittypw GG]

Sounds like me a few years back. My wife was like yours so i decided to divorce her. That was 6 years ago and now I'm remarried to a woman the loves, loves, loves! my dressing and encourages it. It is an intricate part of our sex life too.

It was a good decision, for me

Maybe you should introduce Lowlaventine to all those women who are just jumping up and down wishing that some cd will sweep her off her feet. I'm sure that there is a large variety to choose from. Good luck, divorce is always the best answer. So helpful.
Kitty

[Karren H]

Low is better than No... Your lucky she's still there, in my opinion, and I'm actually happy that my wife is not interesting in sharing Karren ..... It's one of the only activities that I have where I have total control of what I do and how I dress.... And it's a great release for me at least... I'm glad i'm married and love my wife and family dearly...... And when there's some extra time then I can dabble in the fem side.... with little impact on them...

Love Karren

[Tree GG]

...Thus I usually wait until she's away or I'm away to dress....

I won't presume to know her comfort zone, but how can she become comfortable with your dressing if it's always hidden? Perhaps she doesn't want to see it, and I can appreciate that - been there, said that. But as with most things, the actual event is not as bad as the anticipation and worry.

One thing I don't believe CD's appreciate - especially closeted ones - is that your spouse already knows you femme side. You don't do as good a job hiding those personality traits when not dressed as you think you do. At least my husband didn't realize he was exhibiting those characteristics with me all the time. For some reason he believed he could only exhibit them when dressed and was a little disappointed that I didn't see a personality change when the wig & clothes go on.

Point is, I don't think it's the femme side that is a low priority for you wife, but maybe just the actual dressing is low priority.

[Marcie Sexton]

I have also been there, where my wife was indifferent to my dressing, the a reluctant wife, then total rejection. For some unknow reason< thank goodness > she suddenly reversed her thinking and invited Marcie back into her life. Possibly because our marriage was suffering terribly. I for one would say use divorce as a very last resort...I have also been through one of those and at best it get dirty< shi* > up to your eyes...

Although we now are happy and Marcie is very much a part of her life, to the point where she now buys clothes and helps with all the girlie girl things I need to become Marcie, I don't consider having won the war, just a battle. The war will be won when "death do us part" ...

[kathy gg]

My dressing may be important to me, but it's not at all to my wife. She says she's not necessarily opposed to me dressing, but it's not high on her list of priorities. Thus I usually wait until she's away or I'm away to dress. I'll take indifference over outright rejection but it does mean there is a large part of my life that we don't share. We have talked about it quite a bit over the years, but I don't see either of us changing appreciably.

Hi Low

Hmm....I am the wife who looked to date a cder. This is soemthing we share....but there are plenty of other things that are important and HUGE on my personal priority list that my husband and I DON'T share. And I don't feel negative or resentful that he takes no interest in some things which I really enjoy and I feel are integral to my happiness and contentment.

I do understand that for most people crossdressing is not a *hobby* it is soemthign deep and pesonal and is ingrained and vital for one's happiness and self perservation......but that said.....for me when I play tennis...I get enormous happiness and a sense of joy that ...well for me...it is vital for my very being. I believe without a doubt that even if I lost both of my legs, I woudl play wheel chair tennis....I would still find a way to make sure I don't stop doing this thing that is important for me to stay sane, happy, and balanced. For me holding a tennis racket brings {I would imagine} the same job that putting on that last finishing touch brings to your heart.

But somehow I am able to enjoy this without ful participation from my husband. Do I wish sometimes he would come out and watch me, yeah.....espically when I see the couples who paly together....but ya know what...I can't make my husband be my *end all* for all that I need. Sometimes I have to accept that at this point in our life this is not something that is important to him. Yes, he has picked up the occasional racket and we have hit a few balls, but it is not as vital to his happiness as it is to mine. It is not high on his priority list, but that is okay. If I wanted to marry a man who was as into tennis as me...well i would haev set out to specifically find a guy who enjoyed tennis as much as me. yet...for me finding a crossdresser was more important than finding a tennis playing guy.....

Hmm....how easily the situation looks different when seen from another side huh?

Take care....I also did not think you were being negative or being down on yoru wife...but I jsut wanted to give you a different viewpoint...

[tommi]

:iagree: I'm glad i'm married and love my wife and family dearly...... And when there's some extra time then I can dabble in the fem side.... with little impact on them...

Love Karren[/QUOTE]

To be honest it is definitly not something I want to share with family...so if
my wife doesn't want to be part of it that is fine by me. Being able to share
with all of you and learn so much in the last several months since I became
a member is about as supported as I ever could have hoped for.
Unless our SO knows going into the relationship about our other side expecting
any better treatment than plain tolerance is not very realistic.
Thank god for all of you.

[soccervixen]

one of the keys to freedom in a relationship is knowing you can't change the other person ... they can change if they desire, but we create other problems in trying to change someone else.

this will also never be something which my wife shares in fully (though she enjoys my underdressing for now). Just last night before I came to bed I splashed on a little Charlie perfume, she asked what it was, I told her, and se said, "you're out of control!". So we live with what we have. If we really love our SO, then it's fine and we share in the extent we can.

[bgirl]

My wife is being acceptant but does not want to see or share in it much. Just recently I asked if she wanted to go to a support group meeting. I discovered that she was only going for me. So if she is not interested, rather than go to a meeting, I would rather go out in femme, alone. I know this makes her uncomfortable so I don't rub her nose in it. I wish I didn't have to change before the pumpkin hour and relax an evening in femme at home but the few days she is out on business will have to suffice.

[melissacd]

Maybe you should introduce Lowlaventine to all those women who are just jumping up and down wishing that some cd will sweep her off her feet. I'm sure that there is a large variety to choose from. Good luck, divorce is always the best answer. So helpful.
Kitty

Hmmm....where are these women of whom you speak?

I find your statement about divorce "always being the best answer", very interesting. It has taken ten years of struggle with my current partner to get to the stage of realizing that it is over - so it looks like divorce is the only answer...but "the best answer"...I guess the silver lining to this cloud is that I get to start over again insisting that it be with someone who knows, appreciates, loves and encourages right from the beginning.

[melissacd]

Unless our SO knows going into the relationship about our other side expecting any better treatment than plain tolerance is not very realistic.

This is an excellent point that I have learned the hard way. It is a very important thing that all of us have to keep in mind in our relationships. My wife said in counselling that had she known that I was a cross dresser at the beginning we would never have been a couple. It took many counselling sessions to really understand that you cannot change another person's fundamental belief system. As much as you may look at what their response and feel that it is unreasonable, it is still their truth. You can offer up help in understanding, but you cannot force them to understand. The old adage of "You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink" is so true and that is the hard lesson that has taken me a decade to really understand.

Love is not enough - the other person has to also be willing to see things from a different perspective. I have tried very hard to put myself into my partners shoes and try and understand her resistance. I believe I better understand and I validate her feelings. Not that it changes anything in her, but it does help me better understand that you have to start with total disclosure right at the beginning, float a trial balloon and make sure that they are totally okay and accepting. If not, no amount of love will be enough.

[Tina B.]

Hmmm....where are these women of whom you speak?

I find your statement about divorce "always being the best answer", very interesting. It has taken ten years of struggle with my current partner to get to the stage of realizing that it is over - so it looks like divorce is the only answer...but "the best answer"...I guess the silver lining to this cloud is that I get to start over again insisting that it be with someone who knows, appreciates, loves and encourages right from the beginning.

Melissa, I know you are going through a real hard time right now, but if you reread Kitty's post I belive she was being sardonic, I have never seen that many women volunteering themselves to marrying CD'ers, and anyone that has ever lost a marrage nows it is never the best or easiest way.
and as for the original post on this thread, while my wife does except my dressing, and even buys clothes and thing for me, but I am sure it is not high on her priority list, it is my obsession not hers, tolerance, exceptance, and a little compassion is really about all you can ask for from someone that is not in a place where they know how it feels to not dress.
i was married, and then single, and married again, for me I didn't like single, so I will take what I can and be glad to have it.

Tina B.

[lowlavalentine]

Hi Low

for me when I play tennis...I get enormous happiness and a sense of joy that .....

My enormous happiness and joy comes primarily from the tennis skirt... lol.

Seriously, thanks for the fresh perspective.

[Glamourgirl GG]

MelissaCD--with the divorce rate now 65%, I can see why it is the way it is. Because of how people like yourself just throw out the baby with the bathwater. Marriage is a serious committment and shouldn't be taken lightly and it makes my stomach turn when people do. My husband and I have been together 10 years with a huge amount of struggle and many times on the brink of divorce...but in the end, we take our vows seriously and don't want to be another statistic simply because I can't handle something and vice versa.

Lowlavalentine--I know it must be hurting you. I guess I am in the middle about my husband's CD'ing, but have made great strides since finding out. How long has your wife known? I've only known for 3.5 years and at first I was very accepting because I didn't know what else to do...then that turned to disgust and I demanded he stopped (which of course he didn't). I knew he didn't stop and until it was blatant in my face (he wasn't good at hiding things) I would confront him and flip out because I felt such a sense of betrayal and mistrust from his sneakiness. Then I just pretended it wasn't happening for a looooong time. Now, we are working through this and even though I still struggle I am more accepting and have even bought my husband things. Just know that she will go through different phases depending on her season of life.

She may be indifferent now, but with open communication and showing her how deeply you love her and want her to be apart of your other person, I know that things can change. I look at myself as a good example of that.

I can never say it enough, stop the sneaking around, because in the end it will catch up with you. Honesty and communication are the best keys to a marriage.

[kittypw GG]

Melissa, I know you are going through a real hard time right now, but if you reread Kitty's post I belive she was being sardonic, I have never seen that many women volunteering themselves to marrying CD'ers, and anyone that has ever lost a marrage nows it is never the best or easiest way.
and as for the original post on this thread, while my wife does except my dressing, and even buys clothes and thing for me, but I am sure it is not high on her priority list, it is my obsession not hers, tolerance, exceptance, and a little compassion is really about all you can ask for from someone that is not in a place where they know how it feels to not dress.
i was married, and then single, and married again, for me I didn't like single, so I will take what I can and be glad to have it.

Tina B.

Excellent observation Tina. I just get so disgusted with the "just get a divorce" addage or the like it or lump it talk. You have said a mouth full Tina. Of course it is low priority for her because it is not her thing. My hubby complains about my participation in his crossdressing also but he never puts as much effort into my things. It seems that there is a double standard in the works. When he is obviously making great efforts to participate in something that is important to me then I feel more like returning the favor.
It has been my observation that this cding is an all consuming thing. Sometimes I just need a break from it because it doesn't consume my thoughts and I am tired of it being in my face all of the time. I try to keep a balance in my life even if my hubby can't. Nothing should get high priority all of the time. Life is fluid and we should be adapatable to situations and act accordingly.
Kitty

[DeniseNJ]

Lowla , you are so beautiful I know it is hard to deal with this. I am in the same boat. Yes I rather my wife be part of my fem life but she is turned off by the whole crossdressing thing. I know deep down inside she thinks I want to dress just to meet guys and have sex . I try to tell her it's not about that but the excitement I get dressing up and feeling feminine. Hang in there, I know it feels like you are being deceptive but that is the way your wife is forcing you to be like hundredth of us are. it's so hard being a crossdresser as well as rewarding!!!:hugs:

[Billijo49504]

First let me say, I'm a believer in the old Cholicik doctrin, Murder maybe, but divorce never!!! My first wife loved my dressing till she died. My 2nd wife knew about my dressing from the start. So she is ok for it, she helps me with my makeup...BJ

[MJ]

ok , ok hold up here were are all the so called women look for cd'rs ???? must be nice , what does mj have to do ???? lol talking to gg is a start i guess it is not fare every body around here is getting some but poor little old me