Self....

[pocoyo]

Ok well I've sort of touched on this before in another thread but never really finished it....

Erm.. now how to phrase this? Hmm :thinking:

Ok... when I'm expected to be a girl/am being a girl I find myself very awkward and shy and stuff (unless I'm on stage). I would never be able to talk about sex with anyone or even be as open with someone as to call them a name like "Honey" or "babe" or anything. I've never been able to do that.

Wheras....

As a BOY (with people online that think I'm GM)... I can talk about sex very openly (and enjoyably)
And I call people "Darlin'" and "Sweety" and stuff all the time... which admittedly does make me feel a little shy sometimes, but in a good way like "yay I just called someone darlin'" as opposed to the usual "Oh yuck.. I can't even bring myself to call someone a nice name"..as a girl.

And no it's not because they are online (and less embarrasing 'cos it's not face to face)... because when I try being a girl online I'm just as awkward as I am as a girl in real life.

Does anyone else here feel a similar thing or have any theories as to why I am like this?

I wonder.... do I feel so awkward as a girl because that's not the true me, and I am uncomfortable due to being a boy with a girl's body... which is why I feel odd and misaligned and feel comfy as the boy because that's me being myself.

OR

Could it be because the girl is the real me, and so as a protection and to express things I wouldn't be brave enough to otherwise, (calling people "Darlin) I "pretend" to be someone else (the boy)?

[Abraxas]

Whelp. I'm the same way. I've always been extremely shy and have a bit of the ol' social anxiety thing (I won't phone for a pizza, even. Only recently have I been able to bring myself to go to a restaurant and order my own food).
I never present as a girl, but... When I'm with people like my family, or certain friends who call me 'she' and see me as a girl or whatnot, I'm still that shy little kid.
Whereas when I'm with friends who see me as a boy, or at least help me represent myself as one (calling me Ben, and by male pronouns and such), I'm much less shy, even to the point where I sometimes strike up conversations with people I've never met (which I normally wouldn't dream of doing).

I don't know why exactly this should be-- I'm no psychologist. I've got a few sort of general thoughts, though. One is that these are two distinct sides to my personality-- the shy 'girl' and the still sort of shy but more outgoing 'boy.'
Another thought is that, since I'm uncomfortable around people I don't know really well anyway, and being recognised as a girl makes me uncomfortable, that discomfort is just being multiplied, forcing me to retreat. Whereas I'm much more comfortable being a boy, so therefore I act less shy because I haven't got as much to be uncomfortable about.
Or, rather than a discomfort thing, it could also be a happiness thing. I'm happier as a boy, so therefore I'm more outgoing and don't think so much about the negative things that could happen if I were to do... well, whatever.

*shrug* that help at all, or just confuse matters more?

[pocoyo]

Wow.. that did help actually!
Makes a lot of sense and I relate to it. (Ok I can't speak good English today, but you get the point haha!)

And thank goodness I'm not the only one that hates doing stuff like ordering food over the phone!!!

[Abraxas]

Phew. Glad I didn't just confuse ya more. I have a tendency to do that. :o

Oh, yeah... Like, if I want a pizza delivered, my parents will tell me I have to phone in the order if I want it-- they'll even pay for it. Most of the time I just refuse because it makes me so nervous. I don't know why it should, I mean, what's the worst that could happen? Nothing! Ugh. And when my dad makes me answer his work phone (if he's cooking dinner or something), I get really anxious and jittery. Usually I just flip it open and hold it to his ear, hehe.

[pocoyo]

Phew. Glad I didn't just confuse ya more. I have a tendency to do that. :o

Oh, yeah... Like, if I want a pizza delivered, my parents will tell me I have to phone in the order if I want it-- they'll even pay for it. Most of the time I just refuse because it makes me so nervous. I don't know why it should, I mean, what's the worst that could happen? Nothing! Ugh. And when my dad makes me answer his work phone (if he's cooking dinner or something), I get really anxious and jittery. Usually I just flip it open and hold it to his ear, hehe.

Wow i'm so the same! That's kinda cool. (annoying for us but cool that I'm not the only one!)

If i transitioned tho... even though I'd still be shy.. it wouldn't be half as bad because I would enjoy talking with my male voice and feel all proud :D

[Abraxas]

:D
Yeah, I'd probably be the same way. In fact, I might go out of the way to actually go places and do things, just to see what it's like. Dunno.

[CaptLex]

I can definitely relate to being less shy and more social as a boy than as a girl. In fact, here's a paragraph from my Log where I mentioned that:

. . . the strangest effect so far has got to be what I can only imagine is an actual personality shift. I've always been a loner (and happily so) - needing time to be by myself on a regular basis and discouraging attention and small talk from strangers during my "me" time. Lately, I find myself actually chatting up strangers all over the city and enjoying it. Also, I usually shun physical contact - even from longtime friends - but lately I'm not bothered when someone touches me and I actually enjoy the warm and friendly hugs I get from my group. One of the guys told me that it's because I now feel free to be me - the real me. I think he's right. I used to feel invisible in the big, wide world and now I feel like I'm taking up space - the space that was probably reserved for me all along. And that's a good feeling.

I never imagined that would happen, and it's one of the best things I like about being a boy. :D

[bi_weird]

I'm finding something very similar. (btw, guys, I won't order a pizza either. I always make my housemates do it. And I get really nervous when I have to order things at a resturant. I'm also incapable of talking to professors, which I really need to get over. Glad to know others as silly as I am. But back to topic) I'm shy as a girl, but a lot more confident as a guy. It's still not confident by any means, but I'm a lot more able to be personable with people when I'm thinking more like a guy. It's really annoying, though, when it comes to chasing boys. This one cute guy lately, it's really pointed it out to me. I want to wear boy clothes around him for the confidence factor, but I want to wear girl clothes 'cause I don't think he'd find me as attactive otherwise. At least when I'm chasing girls I think the boy clothes tend to work for me.
I've always figured it's because guys tend to be more forward, so I'm putting a guyish face on my personality. I don't know if it's a comfort thing - could be that too.

[Marlena Dahlstrom]

I wonder.... do I feel so awkward as a girl because that's not the true me, and I am uncomfortable due to being a boy with a girl's body... which is why I feel odd and misaligned and feel comfy as the boy because that's me being myself.

OR

Could it be because the girl is the real me, and so as a protection and to express things I wouldn't be brave enough to otherwise, (calling people "Darlin) I "pretend" to be someone else (the boy)?

That's something only you can answer. But it's important to note that that more self-confident side of yourself is still you. So if you need to draw on that in girl-mode, it's there.

For myself, it does feel easier to express certain emotions en femme. A lot of that may have to do with culture expectations. (Ironic as you guys may find this, I find it's a lot easier for me to strike conversations en femme.) But part of it also that it's easier to do so while wearing a "mask" if you will. And to be honest, while Marlena is partly me, it's also partly a persona I've created and one that I can use to experiment a bit with.

[Kate Simmons]

Hi Poc, As Cap said, feeling free to be yourself makes all the difference, in my opinion. As Salandra, I don't have a problem being myself. As Rich, it's a little more difficult but Sal is teaching Rich if that makes any sense.:happy:

[Adam]

this sounds very much like me when i was not open to myself a few years back i was shy and withdrawn never left the house dident go anywhere and dident talk to anyone.

but since i been presenting as i feel male i have lernt to drive i go out more joined car clubs and i get up in the morinning ready for the day :D

not good with getting point across but yeah if i had not came out as me i think i eather would have still been staying in the house 24/7 or worse