Feb 21 - That Fateful Day...

[melissacd]

Well my wife and I have been through numerous relationship counselling sessions over the past few months with one of the better counsellors that I have dealt with and yesterday, after much discussion, she announced at 6PM that our relationship was over and that there was nothing further to discuss. She said that cross dressing is just something that she cannot get past, that no amount of anything will change her mind about it, that she cannot change how she feels and that she wants to end the marriage.

She wants to stay together as friends in the house for a while to get things sorted out and may want to stay in that state until her mother passes on and our kids are in their own (could take another 4 - 5 years) but just as room mates - the romantic marital relationship is done.

When she announced this I was stunned. I wanted to throw up. I could not believe what I was hearing and yet there seemed nothing further that could be said. She seems to be totally immutable on this issue. She even told me that it was okay for me to start seeking other relationships and intimacy elsewhere.

It saddens me that she just won't try and understand and has just decided that there is nothing further that she is prepared to do. She wants to start working out how we will wind down all of our joint affairs when the time comes. I am in a state of shock and don't quite know what to do, but I can certainly see that she is as resolute now as she was when she first found out 10 years ago.

It is a very sad sad day. The end of 25 years together.

Oh and contrary to what others have said - sometimes it is the cross dressing that breaks up a marriage.


Melissa

[susie evans]

you have my heart felt sympathy i wish you the best

:love: susie

[Billijo49504]

Sorry to hear that things are going so bad for you....BJ

[Deborah]

Feb 21st would have been my 13th anniversary with my now ex.
Yes that day holds sad memories for me.

[TexasLynn]

Thank you for sharing this. about 30 years ago my wife gave an ultimatum which included crossdressing. I have been a "good boy" since then ... until lately. I am coming out of the closet, realizing that this will probably end the marriage, once she finds out. But I have let the woman in me out. The years of lies to myself have created as much poison as any crossdressing would have, as regards the marriage.

To my sisters, there are those that will honor your life ... they just may not be the people you are with. For those of you who are going through that now, I am sorry for your grief.

[Alicia_lynn419]

You have my sympathy. I am nearly 2 years now without my wife, and though she would not admit it, the crossdressing played a very big part in the demise of our marriage. I felt so helpless.. if I could change I would, but I knew I was/am who i was/am... There is no pain like what you feel now, i can only offer assurance that time heals, and faith will provide...

Chin up girl, as one door closes, another will open....

[Stephenie S]

Dear Melissa,

It sounds to me like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. End the marriage but stay in the house with all the percs of marriage without any responsibility to work on the relationship? That's a pretty one sided situation. She would be out on her a*s, "toot sweet" if I had anything to do with it.

Please take any and all steps needed to protect yourself. She may pick you clean before you know what hit you. Find a trusted friend (perhaps your father) and start salting away some of your assets beyond her reach. This could turn messy.

Stephenie

[RobertaFermina]

OUCH! OUCH! OUCH!

Keep telling us how it is, dear...Don't have any solutions and FEEL for you so badly.

Oh My!

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Mellisa

Sorry to hear of the break up of your marriage

Best of luck for the future

[AmberTG]

Well, CDing had a fair amount to do with my first divorce, the depression and moodyness of denial of my female side also had a lot to do with it, I was hard to live with. My current marriage was ok with the CDing, but crossing the line into dealing with my TG issues, has caused serious problems. Most women who marry a man don't want to be married to that person as a woman. It's a tough situation, your damned if you do, and your damned if you don't.
I'm sorry to hear about your marriage, my first was 22 years, this one is 5+ years, but won't make it to 6.
Amber

[Joy Carter]

"Love Transcends All" ??????? I'm sorry but she couldn't have loved you. Take care and follow Stepenis's advice and protect your self.

[TxKimberly]

Wow Melisa,

I'm sorry to hear things turned out so poorly.
Hugs,
Kim

[Sheila]

:hugs: jess

[Anniesays]

So sorry to hear this. As others have said, protect yourself, find a good sympathetic lawyer (very important!) and most of all, keep your head high and keep your strength. There is life after, and it is true, that when one door closes, another opens.

Hugs,

Annie - who just went through this 3 years ago.

[Carroll]

though this is a blow to you, and you will heal, (been there done that twice), take comfort in knowing that she still would like to remain friends and would like to settle and joint property with you over a time period. I was slam-dunked twice and was left holding all the bills and filing bankrutcy twice. I have a feeling that your dressing was only a part of the issue. Perhaps you two will get along better as friends, or maybe not. Go with the flow and keep your cool about it. Its a rough road, but one that all too many of us have travelled....once or twice:D

[GinaVegas]

Melissa, I'm so sorry to hear about the end of your marriage especially after so many years! :hugs:

But, it sounds like though she is trying to forego a big hassle with attorneys and such with the divorce by taking the time to sort things out.

Anyway, I wish you luck in dealing with this.....and you know that you have our support!

[ubokvt]

It always hurts when I see a relationship come to this. You have my deepest sympathy and support. It is hard , it hurts, the loss of dreams, the sense that in some way you failed, but know you didn't and you have friends here who care and support you. Still Stephenie S. has some points to consider don't let your pain blind you to takeing care of yourself and your children. Yes you have to morn the loss, but still act and prepare for tomorow. Please stay in touch with us it will help. You are important to us.

[marie354]

I am sooo sorry for you. I know that you feel at the bottom of a whole pile of hurt right now. I've been there! With my first wife it was just an excuse.
I truely hope that she will think it over a bit more.
Get her some chocolates to help her think. Chocolates have a calming effect sometimes.

[Roberta Lynn]

I'm sorry to hear your wife's decided to end your marriage
maybe this is just a storm and in time she will change her mind, maybe not.
Either way, like the others have said , hope for the best but prepare for the worst. :hugs:

[melissacd]

I appreciate all of your support. I had hoped for a better ending but I could see from how the counselling was progressing that she was unwilling to work through this.

She said that I would never convince her to be a part of this. I told her I already accepted that and that it was something I would always do on my own. She and the counsellor said that cross dressing is something that cannot be treated like a hobby. The counsellor stated that to many women cross dressing has a much deeper and more negative significance. She said that it takes a very strong woman to deal with something like this, that some women cannot make that leap.

When my wife made this declaration, the thing that struck me most was how matter-of-fact she said, in response to my request to continue to work through this, ... "you just don't get it, being a cross dresser makes you so unattractive to me, you are such a turn off". She cannot get this negative image out of her head - EVEN THOUGH - she has never seen me (or a picture of me) dressed. Her biases against cross dressing are so strong that she won't even try. The is what hurts. To her it is a deal breaker.

At this point the counsellor started talking to me about how I need to move into a new phase of this counselling process to deal with my son and his needs. She said that I should put my cross dressing needs aside for a while....hmmmm.

In any event, she wants to maintain the house and the marital facade until her 81 year old mother passes, as she feels that it would be too hard on her. She wants to tell my son but not until the summer as she feels it would affect his school performance for this year. I have a lot to process. I want to do my best to take the high road and work through the separation peacefully, take care of the interests and needs of my children, protect my interests and get on with my life.

I am not sure how long she and I can maintain this - facade state - she suggests that we should do it until my son is on his own (she figures at least 5 years) though I am not sure if I can put my life on hold for that long. I said to her in counselling that I have spent 10 years trying to reach a resolution on this issue and I am not sure that I am prepared to wait another 5 years to get on with my life.

We will see how this unfolds.

Melissa

[Shadeauxmarie]

My thoughts are with you. Since I have never been in your situation, but certainly could in the future, I have no comforting advice to offer. I'm saddened by this.

[susandrea]

You know I have been with you on this since before you started CDing again.

You also know how strongly I am in favor of you NOT giving your wife all the power.

You've been very fair, dear heart, and while the situation is terribly sad, you will not only get through it but it will lead you to a better, freer place.

I love you.

Kisses,

W.:love:

[Melinda G]

So sorry to hear about your breakup. Crossdressing and marriage just don't mix, despite the few who say their SOs are OK with it. Most aren't.
I was married for 17 years, and crossdressed through all 17 years. My wife only found out when I finally shaved my legs. Within weeks, she had a boyfriend at work, and shortly thereafter announced she was leaving. At first she said she thought I should leave. I said we should try and work things out, and that I wasn't going anywhere. "This is my house"! Because she had a boyfriend, she eventually decided to leave, herself, and left me the house, the kids, and the dog.
I have been single now for 25 years, and love every minute of it. I know it's tough at first, but do not make the mistake of rushing into another marriage.
Being suddenly single after many years of marriage can be traumatic, but you will get used to it. And there is no greater freedom, than being able to do as you please, when you please, and if you please. And being able to spend your money on whatever you want, without checking with someone. And trust me, when you stop chasing women, and don't give a damn anymore, they chase you big time.:2c:

[Di]

I am stunned....I was praying for a better outcome for you. And I am very proud of you saying you will take the high road. To me...she asks alot....stay till her mum passes and so on...when she will not give an inch........I'm sorry hon...but think alot of you for how you are handling things....:hugs:

[Daintre]

Melissa, my thoughts are with you my dear. I can only speak from my own experience but what you have been hearing here is all very good. Retaining a sympathetic lawyer is most critical, he or she can advise you on the legal matters. The child's welfare is most important and two people putting up with each other is not a loving atmosphere. If the marriage is indeed over then you must act now, protect yourself, your son and end the relationship. Divorce doesn't have to be a long and painful process, but many do become messy when sides are drawn up and emotions are raised.

Take care, good luck my friend and please keep in touch with us as things evolve.

[Holly]

Melissa, words fail to express my sorrow for you and the situation you find yourself in. IMO, your wife's requests to maintain appearances is unreasonable. She is the one who initiated the demise of the relationship and she should be prepared to deal with the fallout just as you must. Perhaps she should have thought about how her 81 year old mother and her son would be impacted by her actions before she started down this road. She doesn't love and respect you but she still wants you to take care of her? How fair is that?

[MsJanessa]

Darling just remember that the end of something always means the beginning of something else---although your wife is ending(well kind of--at least the sexual part of )the relationship, you now have the freedom to explore and devlope yourself---good luck!!xoxox Janessa

[MJ]

Melissa
i am very sorry to hear that we have talked about this i was so hoping for a better outcome for you, my heart goes out to you,
you know how to reach me :hugs:

[amanda barber]

Dear Melissa,

It sounds to me like she wants to have her cake and eat it too. End the marriage but stay in the house with all the percs of marriage without any responsibility to work on the relationship? That's a pretty one sided situation. She would be out on her a*s, "toot sweet" if I had anything to do with it.


Stephenie

My thoughts exactly. It was so nice of her to tell you that you have a roommate. If she wants to leave your life, fine thats her choice, but don't let her run your life after leaving. You deserve better than that.

[marie354]

Well it's time to drop the other shoe... Dust off that little black book that you've been saving somewhere and call up a couple of old flames and act like you got a date. See how she reacts then. If she gets mad and says she'll "out you" to her, then she still cares and you should be patient and wait a little while for her to cool off.

[Sophia Rearen]

"you just don't get it, being a cross dresser makes you so unattractive to me, you are such a turn off
Melissa

Get your club and grab her hair and drag her a** out the door. Maybe then she'll be turned on? Is this what she is looking for in a man?
Has she considered your qualities as a person, that are obviously affected by being tg, which has made this relationship last so long? Or, is it really about the image about you being dressed? If so, then that is incredibly shallow of her.

[tommi]

I really do feel for you and hope that you get the best this is not an easy
thing to do or deal withand we all must choose our own path.Goodluck to
you and remember you do have friends here to talk to.:hugs:

[melissacd]

All,

I appreciate the support and feedback from all of you. I debated with myself as to whether or not to post this event in my life and then I realized that I needed to do this for the following reasons:

- because sharing helps me to feel less alone in this process
- because there are so many confused thoughts going through my head right now and it is good to get feedback from others to do a sanity check on what is happening and what she is asking of me
- to learn from the experiences of others so that I know what challenges I face, what obstacles I need to navigate around

Perhaps the most important aspect of doing this is that it is cathartic, it helps me deal with my grief over this. There is a sense of suspended dis-belief, the rational part of me knows this is happening, but the emotional side of me is still in shock. By talking this through I start to come to terms with the reality of this situation and start to work out a plan to get from today to tomorrow.

Again, thanks for all of your support.

Huggs
Melissa

[melissacd]

Get your club and grab her hair and drag her a** out the door. Maybe then she'll be turned on? Is this what she is looking for in a man?
Has she considered your qualities as a person, that are obviously affected by being tg, which has made this relationship last so long? Or, is it really about the image about you being dressed? If so, then that is incredibly shallow of her.

Sophia,

She really has a problem with the whole image of me being femme in any way. I cannot change that about her, much as I have tried, it is the way that she feels. The process of counselling has helped me understand the depth of that abhorance in her. With the help of a counsellor to work through that particular issue, even the counsellor agreed that my wife is in a place where she cannot be swayed from her belief system, it runs too deep within her.

I thought that my saying that I accept that she does not ever want to be a part of this and that I would keep it out of sight out of mind would be enough, but apparently I was wrong.

This supports a theory that I expressed a long time ago - which in fact she stated herself in counselling a few weeks back - that love is not unconditional. She is clearly proving that, what she has basically said to me is stop the cross dressing or stop the marriage. Stop being true to yourself or you cannot have me.

I cannot live in a relationship any longer with someone who cannot accept who I am, I cannot lie to myself or to her. The price is too high.

[Helen H. Heels]

WOW, I am truly sorry.
(You and I met as you drove us to the last dinner of xpressions)Please take my offer of sincere friendship.
Stay only as long as you can bear it-you must now consider your self as well as your kids.
Please stay healthy and in touch.We are your support group.
Hugs, Helen.:hugs:

[JulieC]

I cannot live in a relationship any longer with someone who cannot accept who I am, I cannot lie to myself or to her. The price is too high.

I'm sorry for you that it came to this, and sorry that there is a child in the picture who is an innocent bystander. There's never good solutions to this. I'm a strong advocate of telling spouses, but when there are children in the mix...it's hard.

A thought; I know this has been going on for ten years. How dysfunctional has the relationship been during those years? Don't have to answer me; but consider this; would five more years of exposure to a dysfunctional relationship vs. leaving the house be better or worse for your son?

Another thought. This will sound callous and cruel though I most emphatically do not mean it that way. Your mother-in-law's life could be affected by the choices you make. But, so can yours. Is your health being damaged by remaining there? It's not a question to answer now; it's too soon, too new. But, a year from now it might be worth revisiting that question. Your first responsibility is to your son (in my opinion) and your health has a direct impact on that. Repression, depression, living a lie...these things can have very significant impacts on your health. Your son needs both his parents. That consideration outweighs the consideration of your mother-in-law's health.

I also concur with a number of earlier comments; protect yourself. At this stage, you are the only person who is going to do so. Too many times I see grief stricken, parting couples where one thinks nothing bad will happen and the other is out for blood.

Don't make any rash decisions. This grief is too new, and will color your every decision. Take some time to breathe.

-BB

[Kathleen Ann Trees]

Melissa, I'm so sorry to hear this. I often wonder, and frequently worry, when I hear stories such as this. How people can be in love and in a marriage for so many years, just to end it. How can it get to that?

It makes me reflect on what I can do to keep my wife happy and in love. She's not been able to get over my CDing. She gives me some free time but hasn't expressed any desire to participate. I worry that my dressing will cause a wedge between us.

Melissa, please keep us abreast of how things progress. We are here for you. Hopefully, together we can all find a happy way forward.

Kathleen

[heelme]

I think your choice to post was sound. Where else will you find so many opinions on a situation like this? From what you've written, it appears you've been more than fair throughout and have positioned yourself to effectively remove crossdressing from your marital daily life. The way I see it, you've done enough. More than enough.

I suspect there is more than crossdressing that your wife finds wrong with the marriage. Crossdressing may simply be the anchor to hang all the "other" littler things on. Even if you were able to stop dressing altogether, I doubt her stance would change much, if at all, considering what you've been through the previous 10 years. So, it would appear it's over, after 25 years. It is a shame. It's also a starting point. An exciting time for you if you let it be. Focus on that. I wish the best for everyone involved.

[Erica Leigh]

You know, at least you gave the counseling a try. I believe it would be terrible thing for you to try and hide who you are, first and foremost before you can make anyone else happy, you yourself must be happy with yourself, you must love who you are and what you are. that being said, coming from someone who has an accepting spouse:love: , i can tell you that until i came to the realization and accepted what i am, it has been hell in this family, at least that is what she tells me, since i have fully accepted my transgenderism ( i love being a girl, just trapped in this boys body!!), she says i have been much happier and it shows to her and the kids. maybe if you and youor spouse live in the same house and since it doesnt turn her on, then you could be girlfriends? not until the kids are gone more than likely, if her mind is that closed, you probably cannot change that, it is unfortunate that women will sit in groups and complain about their husbands, and wish they were more like their best freind, and then when we show them "the softer side of Sears" the go weird. butu hey we will always love you for who you aree and not judge you. [/COLOR="Blue"]
_______________________________________
ERICA

[Sophia Rearen]

Sophia,


I cannot live in a relationship any longer with someone who cannot accept who I am, I cannot lie to myself or to her. The price is too high.

Melissa, she has made her choice and I'm glad to see you have made yours as well. Live on, girlfriend!

[DonnaT]

Sorry to hear this has come about, Melissa. I know you've been trying to be accomodating to her feelings for a long time, to the detriment on your own well being.
http://crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?p=116091#post116091

[RobertaFermina]

A thought

....this might be *REALLY* stupid...yet I thought of it and here it is:

You have been very understanding and feminine in this role of revealing your Crossdressing to your Wife. What if all that feminine understanding is sending her a message that her *man* is already gone?

Perhaps a more masculine approach might alter the chemistry?

Being assertive about your needs, and how they are going to be fulfilled while you express and demonstrate your commitment to fulfill her needs - EXCEPT for her needs that are selfishly in conflict with yours.

The time for enabling is over - it didn't work.

The only way to break her image of you as a crossdresser is to remain one, and fulfill her as a man. Show her your masculinity and femininity in alternation, and with authenticity.

Maybe even let her see you EnFemme (after a Damn Good Makeover!).

I don't mean sex, that *has* to be consensual. I mean as a provider, boundary setter, protector, action-taker. Of course, if there is the slightest invitation to the budoir, don't hesitate!

She may need a little push-back to *know* that her man is really there.

.......and this might still be *REALLY* stupid

If this doesn't feel like a TRUTH to you, don't try it. It might really mess up the "soft landing" you seem to have in store.

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[Alice B]

I am truly sorry for what has happened to you. Having been at the end of a marriage (more than once, but not related to my dressing) I must tell you that there is a strong possibility that your dressing is only an excuse for her to not deal or fess up with other reasons. It is a very, very rare situation where the two of you could live together as she says she wants. If the mariage is truly over, then move on immedaitelt and end it. Toi not do so will result in some very strong bitterness between the two of you and could ruin the relations with your children in the long run. It is best to "pony up" and move on to what will in time be a stronger and happer life. You are who you are and you should not ever be afraid of that. I wish you wellness, peace and love.:love:

[maggie]

Dear Melissa, it is especially painful to hear of the trauma and heartache you are going through, because I experienced the same thing with my wife last summer.

On the one hand I was devastated and dumfounded. However, I quickly signed up with one of the leading on-line dating services and discovered that there are a lot more women my age looking for men than vice versa. (One of the advantages of being a certain age.)

For the moment I am enjoying the freedom of living on my own (as I have described in previous posts). And I am keeping open the hope that I might eventually find a woman who is more accepting of both sides of me. It could happen. But even if it doesn't, it's more important that I be true to myself - if I am to survive.

Maggie

[tvgirl4fun]

Melissa,

I didn't see mention of how old your son is. I think you should talk to you counselor about telling him. I'm quite sure she will use the CDing to divide you and your son.

At this point, I would be concerned with YOUR benefits and concerns. If things affect HER mothers' health, oh well.

The heck with calling up old flames. Just tell your ROOMMATE, you're having a T-girl party next weekend (Friday night through Sunday!). I'm quite sure there's a number of girls in your area that would be more than happy to show up.

And like Stephenie said, protect yourself. But don't go hide in a "closet" doing so.

Jaie

[sandra-leigh]

Or, is it really about the image about you being dressed? If so, then that is incredibly shallow of her.

In this regard, remember the experiences of gays: for some people, to find out someone is homosexual is something that cannot be gotten over. Especially if the gay person is male -- the thought of someone "letting someone else do that to them" completely revolts some people, to the point where they cannot work with them, and continued friendship is out of the question. You've probably encountered a person or two like that yourself: it isn't a "hate"; neurosis might be closer.

Note that the above is intended as analogy, to point out that "it happens", and sometimes it even happens in "nice people" who don't enjoy the response at all but have to live with it. Historically, similar things have happened between different religions, and between different races. And if Melissa CD's wife happens to have that kind of reaction, then we can't fault her for being true to herself in expressing it.

"Shallow"? Not necessarily. If it would take years of therapy to get her over it, we can't expect her to undertake that. If his wife had Coulrophobia*, and MelissaCD was telling her, "Sorry, sometimes I just have to be a clown!", then we wouldn't be talking about shallowness or ungreatfulness or the like. We each of us have our burdens, and the time is not always right to put those burdens aside.


* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coulrophobia -- fear of clowns.
Read the description -- it has similarities to the crossdressing situation.

[TeriAnn]

I am sorry that things did not work out, but I my case it is totally different. Since I told my wife of 8 years or marriage is stronger than ever. It has brought us closer and we share many more things now than I believe we did before.
My wife is as supportive as you posibly can be, the crossdressing has never been an issue. She has even gotten upset with me because I don't dress every night. My wife loves me for who I am on the inside, and dosen't care if I am wearing a dress and heels or a shirt and pants. The clothes do not matter it is the person in those clothes and how the wife and the crossdresser feel towards one another.If you love one another and believe in the vows of marriage then crossdressing will not affect how you feel one way or the other.
If you want to know how the wife of a cd'er feels try reading My husband wear my clothes by Peggy Rudd. It will enlighten you on how your wife or s/ o feels. I have just finished reading this book and I will tell you now I understand a lot more than I did about how the wife feels.:2c:

[lisa68]

Sorry to hear about you and SO can't work things out between you. I wish the best for you as in time pass the wounds will heal.

[Trisha51]

My heart goes out to you. I know from talking to you at Fall Fling, that you have made a long term and serious effort to reach a workable situation.
As others have said, she has decided that the marriage is over, so you need to do what is best for your son and yourself.
Wishing you strength, wisdom, and all the best

Hugs
Trisha

[Kelsy]

Mellisa,

Please tell me that there were other issues other than CDing that have led to the end of your marriage!? I was married for 25 years and it disolved over some overcomeable cicumstances none were CD related. But if you have made a decision to dislove the relationship over CDing the I just hope that you won't be burdened with regrets later. Regets I know about and living with them is not pleasant. Please please be sure that crossdressing is more important to you than your wife and children. If the choice is between the two reconsider. I understand when to much water has passed under the bridge and there is a point of no return. The thing that strikes me is "you don't know what you have till it's gone" please take care.

Jennifer:hugs:

[CharleneCD]

Mellisa

Its a terrible thing that is happening to you after 25 years of commitment. Especialy over something she has never seen. I am thinking along the lines of the advice Roberta gave. Maybe its time you showed her Mellisa. Maybe she needs to come face to face with what she fears. I dont think many GG's have a clue about what it is realy about. They see a movie with a drag queen and that gives them their whole perception. Maybe by seeing you at your best might make her realize that it is not sucha big deal. Then again maybe not. Either way what do you have to lose. If it gives even a little bit of a chance for saving things, it is worth thinking about.

[Rita Knight]

Hi Melissa,
Sorry to hear about the breakup of your marriage.

Unlike some of the advice I saw, I think you should accept your wife's decision and move on. However, try to stay as friendly as possible with her. Take this from a divorced "sister." Bitterness will only make the lawyers richer. My ex and I agree, there is only one winner in divorce, the lawyers. Because of my experience, I think of them as vermin. Sorry if I offend any attorneys, but that is what I think of them as a group, not particular individuals.

[Alice Torn]

Break ups, and divorce, are a type of death, for us, but, if there really is a God, that Being, or family, must know such pain. Being misunderstood, and rejected is one of the most painful things in life, tears your being apart. I believe MEN suffer this way, far more, than gg's... I have some maybe odd advice, and it may be too late. The movie "Glen or Glenda", which came out, in the late 40's, or early 50's, and is about a crossdresser, would be a good movie, for you and her to watch together, might , I say might, help her be more understanding. It may not. You will survive this.

[stephanie100]

What can I say except sorry to hear this.:love:
To be asked to stay four or five years in the same house must be difficult I would want to get out ASAP If no chance of a reconcilliation protect yourself as others have said.:hugs:
Steph

[Alyshia121]

I'm wondering what you'll do next. It's times like this that I wish we were all together in person instead of being separated by computer screens. Promise us you won't do anything crazy.

I've been with my SO for 8 years now. Obviously I can't speak for 25 years, but emotion knows no time frame, especially when it comes too things like this. I really don't know what else I should say, except that I wish you nothing but happiness in the future, at the risk of sounding too cliche.

[Marcie Sexton]

I am so sorry thins went south in your relationship...I gotta believe there were other contributing factors involved...I know right now you are still dealing with the shock, but after the smoke has cleared I'm sure you can see other things that help push things to the breaking point...I'm not making excuses, but having dealt with a previous breakup I can now see other things that contributed to it...

I would however start to look for other living arrangements...she is still wanting the security of the living arrangements, but no committment. I would also refrain from all outside relationships, that is only fuel for the fire, and more ammo for the lawyer...If in deed she wants out, I would insist one or the other seek different living arrangements.

I can only hope that she will reconsider and the two of you begin to repair the damage done to the relationship...

I wish you good luck no matter what coarse you take, by choice or necessity...

[Angie G]

Sorry of this news good luck and all the best to you we are here foy you hun
:hugs:
Angie

[melissacd]

I have to say that the support and advice that I have received from all of you has been invaluable. Thanks so much. I love you all and I love this community. And of course I love being a cross dresser.

[S. Lisa Smith]

There is nothing I can add, except good luck and keep your spirits up!

[Danni Bear]

Melissa , I know exactly what you are going through. i'm in exacty the same place except for a young son. beleive me a good and sympathic lawyer is what you need. Be up front with him/her at the outset . My wife of too many years kicked me out when i started hormone therapy although she said the cd'ing was ok.that was a little over six months ago. life has been h**l since then but with the help of a therapist i am working through it. i hope that somehow you and your wife make the trransition but don't tae chances with your happiness or your sons.

love and kisses

danni

[MistyCD]

Hi, sorry to hear about your experience, but please, contact a lawyer. Next close any Joint accounts such as credit card accounts that you both have. I would then change your will. You might even want ask the lawyer about moving some of your money around, so she can't get it. I don't know what they have in Canada, but in the US we have US govt savings bonds that can be purchased. Get yourself a private safety deposit box in a bank, buy some bonds and keep them there.

Hugs Misty

[Melinda G]

Some things need to be said here. Do not come out to your kids, or your son. They are too young to deal with it. If she tells the kids, just say it was something that you looked into now and then. No big deal. Just normal curiosity.
And don't move out of the house. If you move out of the house, you have abandoned her, and she is left holding all the cards. If it is over, you need to protect yourself. Many women want to stay together a while, "to sort things out", with no intention of getting back together, but to make their plans and consider their best options.

[Glamourgirl GG]

Had I read this post first, I would have bit my tongue on something else I said to you in another post.

I am sorry that your wife has chosen to end your marriage. :(

[Debra Lynn]

Melissa

First, My thoughts go out to you in this regards, I cannot imagine the shock of such a final declaration.

Second, Take the lead in making decisions. Check with a lawyer to secure not only your financial half, but your family half as well. Her invitation to you to seek out others to have a relationship with is a invitation to lose everything as she can suddenly declare you to be "unfaithful" to her! Her desire to not "rock the boat" by ending the relationship but staying roommates and not to disturb her 81 year old mother is a play on your heartstrings, having the cake and eating it too. We all have to make decisions as individuals but we also have to live with our decisions. You may want to play fair and divide equally, but it sounds like she wants to present this facade to the world of everything is so right. Giving her 5 years to drive a wedge between you and your son is not wise. Counseling for him and the two of you is vital because it WILL impact his schoolwork (I would guess him to be about 13 or 14?) because he is in a very tramatic time physically and socially. If she is really concerned about your son, then the counseling time and information time about crossdressing needs to be properly presented to minimize the impact and allow him to process all the feelings and questions he is going to have. If you let her break it to him, you are surrendering his outlook to her. Then you play catch up.

Finally, Why do some women suddenly (seemingly) turn? No good answer, but your own welfare and the welfare of your son should now be your priority. She has surrendered her right to your benevolence. You need to be fair, but firm and set out your priorities as this relationship ends. You are the victim in this breakup, you didn't ask for it, but you must deal with it to protect yourself and your son. Yes, he is both your son and her's, but you need to show now that you will fight for what is your due as she works to end this.

May you be blessed because you are true to yourself.

[julie w]

Melissa its time to move on , I was married for 20yrs and she said her needs were not being meet she never said it was the crossdressing but I am sure it was part of the reason , we lived in the same house for a while and then sold it ,I was very low for awhile but I meet someone new that doesnt support my cding but has known about it from the begining and jokes about it and knows its part of me and is ok with that,and its been six years now ,I am much happier with her than
my ex , as for my ex her life is the dumps she is with a guy that cant keep a job she is in debt, and my kids cant stand her partner . I know its hard right now but you will get over it good luck

[dann]

Melissa, I'm really sorry to hear this sad story. Hopefully it's only a bad chapter in a happy ending.I have a feeling it is. Hang in there. But protect yourself, and your family. Don't be afraid to assert your ideas of how this should end and what's best for your son.
I think in many cases we cd's end up feeling so guilty over keeping this a secret from our wives for so long that we are willing to fold on things we shouldn't fold on when it comes to divorce time.I know it's wrong to lie and hide. We all know that. If we felt secure on a better path we would've travelled it.
I have the feeling sometimes that I'm right behind you in the divorce line with my wife over the cding issue. The more she puts it out of her mind the harder she seems to fall when she can't deny it anymore.

[charles1]

i told my wife of 35+ yrs and our relationship has never been the same since its been a year since i dressed and resisted dressing and we are both miseralble me for screwing up and not being who i am and her for not knowing what not who she married i am dressing tonite alone and fell so relaxed chas

[melissacd]

Well my wife and I have had a number of conversations since the big announcement. I have been testing the waters to see how solid she is on this decision of hers. Tonight we had a lengthy discussion in the car, going in circles around the whole relationship. In the end it boiled down to her saying that there were two things that I stated that I required, one was being able to dress and the other was intimacy. She said that she just cannot accept the dressing, ever. Strike one. She then said that because of the cross dressing she cannot be intimate again, ever. Lastly, she said - instead of trying to convince/convert her to accept this why don't I just go to one of those bulletin boards that you frequent, talk to an SO GG and see if she has a sister who will accept you and who is looking for a mate. She said you will have much more luck achieving happiness and acceptance than trying to get that from her.

Ouch!!!! - that hurt.

Now that many days have passed since the announcement, she has been friendly, warm, kissy, huggy, cuddly and tonight asked if we could go out together - she even insisted on holding hands. Soooooo - I thought perhaps after all of the discussions and her pondering separation that perhaps she was starting to have a change of heart about all of this. I figured, what can I lose by trying to broach the topic once again, with the result I as described above. I said to her that I wanted to be sure that she really felt this was over. I said that I was getting confusing signals from her and reminded her of the last time we went through this ten years ago where I would try and chat about this with her and she would not discuss it and then later said that I did not try hard enough.

When I pointed out how she asked me out, held my hand tonight, hugged me and at the end said she really enjoyed getting out together - her response was - oh that was nothing, I was just bored and wanted to get out - she said that had I said that I did not want to go out it would not have mattered to her either way.

Double ouch!!!! - Man this hurts like hell.

I am beginning to understand why it is that friends are telling me that staying together in the same house now that she has decided to end it, because it is more convenient for her and her mother is not going to work for very long. I ended this evening with a horrible feeling in my stomach and a great sadness at he loss. And yet I keep hearing her say - you did not try hard enough the last time and wonder if this is just a game she is playing with me, making it really hard and yet in the back of her mind wanting me to keep trying to win her back (hence the confusing signals, the huggs, kisses, cuddles, hand holding) - I hate playing these kind of games and yet feel that if I just give up and move on that I may be making a big mistake - my head says end it and move on and my heart says - there is still a slight chance of reversal.

She did say one thing that made sense though - it would be so much easier if I just found someone that accepts from the get go - because she is certainly fighting this tooth and nail.

[Sophia Rearen]

Melissa, I am sorry to say, but, it seems to me that she is using you. If she lost respect for you through your cding, and juding by her comments, she will never gain back that respect. Relationships need respect, both ways. Perhaps this is a way of stringing you along until her mothers impending demise? Question is, are you willing to put up with this?

[Charleen]

Hate to say it, but put a fork in it-it's done! I have to agree with the opinion of others that there is something else going on beside the CDing. From what you have written she is using you!!! Run, don't walk to a lawyer and GET OUT OF THERE!

[lowlavalentine]

denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance.

In so much as the death of your masculinity is being mourned by your wife it seems your marriage made it to stage 3/4 in Kubler-Ross' grief cycle. Some people and relationships just never reach the acceptance stage in spite of best efforts to do so. You need to be congratulated on your communication and counselling attempts; valant if unsuccessful.

It seems strange that the high heeled shoe dropped after 25 years of tolerance. Why now?

Lowla

[Robin Leigh]

When I pointed out how she asked me out, held my hand tonight, hugged me and at the end said she really enjoyed getting out together - her response was - oh that was nothing, I was just bored and wanted to get out - she said that had I said that I did not want to go out it would not have mattered to her either way..Melissa, please don't let her torture you like this. How could you even contemplate 5 more years of that cruel behaviour?

She won't even concede to look at one picture of you en femme, yet she can't stand you & wants to dissolve the marriage because you're a CDer. That's not very fair, IMHO. Sure, such a picture may be highly disturbing to her. Has she never seen disturbing images before? Doesn't she watch TV or movies?

Tell her that you're prepared to "keep up appearances" while her mother is still alive, but only if she agrees to see you en femme (or at least a pic), just once. :devil: Just to see how she reacts...


It seems strange that the high heeled shoe dropped after 25 years of tolerance. Why now?What tolerance, Lowla? Melisaa's wife has hated it from the moment she first learned of it, ten years ago. There has been no tolerance, just avoidance, at best.

After reading Melissa post from 2005 that DonnaT linked to, I'm amazed that Melissa has lasted with her wife for this long.

:hugs:

Robin

[heelme]

When I pointed out how she asked me out, held my hand tonight, hugged me and at the end said she really enjoyed getting out together - her response was - oh that was nothing, I was just bored and wanted to get out - she said that had I said that I did not want to go out it would not have mattered to her either way.

I feel for you, Melissa, it would appear a game is being played. For someone that makes definite statements about lack of interest, that's a pretty cruel way of showing it. Could she be trying to force something here? Is she expecting you to "try harder" this time to win her over? Is any of this worth it to you?

Your mind says leave but your heart says there's a chance for reconcilliation. Maybe it's time to play a card of your own in this "game". Propose a separation to her. Incorporate her concerns for her Mother as well as your children and agree to put on a facade for that. One of you move out of the home. It might be that a shot of realization for her is a sensible next step in your relationship. Right now she holds all the cards. She's dictating how the relationship currently stands as well as fairly far into the future. What follows may not work for the two of you or for that matter, any other couple. That the outcome has been good and steadily getting better is the reason for my suggestion above. My hope, of course, is for success for you both.

About 15 years ago, my wife announced she could not live with me crossdressing. She told me she already rented an apartment and enrolled our two pre-teen sons in another school system. BAM! Just like that. No warning (at least I didn't read into anything). I didn't fight it. Truth is, I want her to be happy and if that means without me, then I have no choice but to let her go. That weekend, we rented a moving truck and set the three of them up in their new home. She told me the boys would stay with her and she didn't want anything else from me. Yeah, it hurt.

In the following month we spent hours on the phone at all hours and I visited almost every day. Reality had set in forcing earnest discussion that eventually led to therapy and an agreement to try again. It was expensive, both in emotion and finance, but the results were well worth it, at least this time, for the two of us. She felt trapped and deceived and feared my crossdressing would lead to my leaving her. Even though we'd talked about these things before she moved out, for some reason, our taking that step made us really look hard and deep into our relationship. What we found is that we were imperfect. Neither of us was EXACTLY what the other expected at that point in our lives. She also began to understand that I had in fact not changed. I was still the same person whether dressed like a man or like a woman.

It is not an easy road and one that I would not have picked at that time, but it worked out very well for everyone in the end. Looking back, I pushed too hard and too fast for acceptance. Almost a fatal error. Counselling did help in our case.

Today, we're closer than ever. I am one of the fortunate men married to a remarable lady. I remind myself of that daily. For us, it was not a click of a light switch. It went from denial to anger to tolerance to forms of acceptance and continues to grow. There are boundaries of course. I respect them until my wife is comfortable otherwise. I still consider myself in the closet as it pertains to family and friends and that's the way it will stay, again, until we are both comfortable.

So, that's my tragedy to triumph story. Take it or leave it. Hopefully, I've added another thought process that you can use in some way to get where you want to be. You're in my thoughts.

[Stephenie S]

I appreciate all of your support. I had hoped for a better ending but I could see from how the counselling was progressing that she was unwilling to work through this.

She said that I would never convince her to be a part of this. I told her I already accepted that and that it was something I would always do on my own. She and the counsellor said that cross dressing is something that cannot be treated like a hobby. The counsellor stated that to many women cross dressing has a much deeper and more negative significance. She said that it takes a very strong woman to deal with something like this, that some women cannot make that leap.

When my wife made this declaration, the thing that struck me most was how matter-of-fact she said, in response to my request to continue to work through this, ... "you just don't get it, being a cross dresser makes you so unattractive to me, you are such a turn off". She cannot get this negative image out of her head - EVEN THOUGH - she has never seen me (or a picture of me) dressed. Her biases against cross dressing are so strong that she won't even try. The is what hurts. To her it is a deal breaker.

At this point the counsellor started talking to me about how I need to move into a new phase of this counselling process to deal with my son and his needs. She said that I should put my cross dressing needs aside for a while....hmmmm.

In any event, she wants to maintain the house and the marital facade until her 81 year old mother passes, as she feels that it would be too hard on her. She wants to tell my son but not until the summer as she feels it would affect his school performance for this year. I have a lot to process. I want to do my best to take the high road and work through the separation peacefully, take care of the interests and needs of my children, protect my interests and get on with my life.

I am not sure how long she and I can maintain this - facade state - she suggests that we should do it until my son is on his own (she figures at least 5 years) though I am not sure if I can put my life on hold for that long. I said to her in counselling that I have spent 10 years trying to reach a resolution on this issue and I am not sure that I am prepared to wait another 5 years to get on with my life.

We will see how this unfolds.

Melissa

Dear Melissa,

I will say this again. The above relationship benefits only your wife. You are left out in the cold and paying for it. Why? I know you want to act the "good" person that you are, but this is just too much. I am sure it seems reasonable to her because she feels that you are the one in the wrong. But, sweetie, your are NOT the one in the wrong. You are the one who wants to keep working on this marriage. You are the one who wants to make it all work. Please don't accept the short end of the stick (gee, I don't see that you get any of the stick at all) in this breakup. You are NOT the one at fault. Formulate a fair settlement, perhaps with the help of a trusted lawyer, and insist upon it. Don't try and pretend to be married just for your ex-wife's (and that's what she wants to be) convenience for the next 5-10 years. What's next? Will you be treated to making breakfast for her and her boyfriend who just slept in YOUR bed?

Protect yourself. Don't be a martyr. You will get no points for this in the end. Don't wake up in 10 - 20 years and say, "Boy I wish I had taken better care of ME".

Lovies,
Stephenie

[DonnaT]

I am beginning to understand why it is that friends are telling me that staying together in the same house now that she has decided to end it, because it is more convenient for her and her mother is not going to work for very long. I ended this evening with a horrible feeling in my stomach and a great sadness at he loss. And yet I keep hearing her say - you did not try hard enough the last time and wonder if this is just a game she is playing with me, making it really hard and yet in the back of her mind wanting me to keep trying to win her back (hence the confusing signals, the huggs, kisses, cuddles, hand holding) - I hate playing these kind of games and yet feel that if I just give up and move on that I may be making a big mistake - my head says end it and move on and my heart says - there is still a slight chance of reversal.

I don't know if she's playing games or what. but one thing I always suggest, Don't move out of the house.

If she wants to call it quits, let her walk.

My wife kept bringing up the D word occasionally, and one day I made a vow to myself that if she did it again, I'd say: "If you want to leave, then go ahead. I don't want to and never will. It's your choice. I'll still love you."

Well, last August, on our anniversary, I had to keep the vow to myself. Hardest thing I've ever had to do.

She was stunned speechless. Then a little later she said she could not believe I had said that, that she thought she'd never hear me say those words.

She got in her car and left. A bit later she came home, made up a bed in another room. Later that night she came back to bed.

We're still together.

May or may not work for you, but don't move out.

[Stephenie S]

Absolutely!

Don't move out of your house. It's your house. You can share it as long as she is willing to work (seriously) on the relationship. There are many compromises that you could make to stay together, but DON'T, DON'T, DON'T let her walk all over you just because you want to be Mr. "nice guy".

It sounds to me that there is no saving this relationship. I have been there myself and in retrospect I wish I had been more protective of myself. Take CONTROL of this situation. For your own wellbeing. Who knows, maybe a display of masculinity will change her mind.

Lovies,
Steph

[melissacd]

Once again, thanks for all of the support and all of the kind words.

I am pondering this whole thing carefully and I have gone way past guilt and shame about all of this. Each day I am processing the pain and emotion and bit by bit it gets easier.

She and I converse more and she is beginning to understand that it is unreasonable for her to expect me to stay for any length of time. She is in fact becoming supportive in the sense that she says that while she cannot accept having a mate who is a cross dresser, she can understand my need to be that way, that it is a part of who I am. I guess at least that is a step in the right direction. She said that she wants to end this fairly, equitably and peacefully and so we have started some discussions on how to make that happen over the course of the next 12 months or less. Rightly, she insists on determining how to do this in a way that protects our children and I am totally in agreement on that, so we have to think this through carefully.

This morning we had a chat. Last night I went to a support group and she was interested in how it went. I said that the most important point that I feel that I made to the group is that while I understand and accept her feelings of hurt, anger and betrayal, I am very disappointed that she did not at least try to walk a little distance with this and try to understand. I said that in all of this that is the part that hurts me the most.

We talked a great deal about how as I connect more with my femme side that I am able to feel more, emote more, empathize more, be more human and less intellectual and that overall it has improved how I feel about myself and how Ideal with the world. She said that she could not understand why I hid it all this time and why I could not be more expressive until now - I said - bingo - you can't understand because you haven't tried.

She said that she did understand cross dressing because she had seen Transamerica, The Crying Game, Prescilla - I just said, none of those movies are about the form of cross dressing that I do, they are about gays or transexuals - I said to her that you really don't understand - then - she - shocked me -

...she said that the other movie, the cheesy movie that I told her about, the one that while cheesy is probably the best most accurate portrayal of cross dressing - "Just Like A Woman" - she said, she would like to watch it.

Holy Shit! ... at the end, when I have conceded that the relationship is over, when I have decided to start the process of separating, when we are starting to have the most adult conversation we have had in a decade...now she wants to look at the things that I have collected for her!

The sad news in all of this is that - while I don't expect that it will change her mind on anything - if she did and decided that she did want to work through this together, I have gone through and processed so much pain and anger that I am not sure that I would want to.

She was the one who a few weeks ago decided that she wanted out and that no amount of anything would change that - then she does this!

I confess that I will never understand her.

Huggs
Melissa

[Satrana]

Melissa

I don't know if you want to hear this - but now that the two of you have resolved to end the relationship, a weight has been lifted off you both and you are freer now to openly and honestly communicate and express your emotions like never before.

If you keep having deep emotional talks, you are quite likely to move emotionally close together again and she might realize she has made a big mistake, that she will never find another man like you who she could connect with on this level. I had a similar situation with an ex-girlfriend, who broke up with me then we had many deep emotional conversations afterwards which resulted in her pleading with me to take her back, but I had already moved on.

Of course in your case, even if she wants to rekindle the relationship, she would have to resolve her deep rooted intolerance of crossdressing herself. That is her responsibility. The resolve must come from within.

Only you can answer if this is something you really want, or if it is time to move on regardless and find a lover who will accept the whole you.

After my experience with my ex-girlfriend, when I met my current wife I was able to communicate my emotions like I had never done before and we become lovers very quickly. Now that you feel freer to express your feminine side, you will likely find women will be impressed by your openness to emote which is rare among men. Just some food for thought.:hugs:

[jayseedee]

Move on Melissa, move on. You risk serious damage to yourself trying to live in that environment. Go find yourself a rational woman, there are plenty of them out there. Good luck.:thumbsup:

[Alice Torn]

I am not in any serious relationship, with any gg's, though there is one,I want. I have heard other men say, that after decades of marriage, they still don't understand, or really know their wives!! As I said earl;ier, there is an OLD movie, from the late 1940's or early 50's, called, GLEN OR GLENDA, about a crossdressing man. Bela Legosi, is in it. It is not a horror film, but, an early movie, that addressed cding, in a pretty non condemning way. I wish she could sit downm with you, and watch it, if it is available. I have seen it available, on the internet, e-bay, etc. There may still be hope, for your marriage, or may not be. It is worth a try. I know the pains of rejection, so well, as a 52 year old bachelor, who has lost so many loves, had not felt the pain, for years, until, last week, when I ran into a gg, that I find is the most beautiful lady, I have ever known. I danced with her a number of times, gave her my number, but, again, she won't give hers, or call me. I hope to write her a letter, make a picture card (non cd), and give it to her, at the next singles dance. Trouble is, a number of guys, go for her. Anyway, I can relate some, with you, and know, that we will never understand how gg's think. much, except, they usually are mostly emotiopn, and little logic. No wonder, the SERPENT IN THE GARDEN, in Genesis, went, to seduce, and deceive the woman, first! It is STILL HAPPENING. ROY MASTERS, an old sage, on late night radio, talks a lot about this. I hope you can get a copy of GLEN OR GLENDA, and your wife will watch it with you. Lucille

[Amiad]

Sorry to hear about the end of your marriage. Reconciliations can happen at any point if that is what you want.....that being said, I agree with a couple of the other replies. Go on the OFFENSIVE. My divorce cost me my son business, house, cars, my life savings, my credit, everything. When it was done I could not open a checking account. Fight for everything and give what is fair. The divorce laws of this country are not applied evenly and do not favor men.:Angry3:

Jim

[Mary Morgan]

Melissa, I too am saddened to hear of the difficulties in your relationship with your wife. I know that this is all very confusing to you both. About three years ago, I told my wife of my CD and we have been through most of the things you have mentioned. It didn't matter to her that CD/TG was in essence a real part of me. A lot of very hurtful things were said, culminating with her telling me that I had to stop or she was out the door. My response to her was that life is precious and short, that we were each entitled to be happy and that she should do whatever it was that made her happy, that I loved her and wanted to remain with her, but that I understood her difficulty with the situation and that I would do whatever I could to help her find her own happiness, but I would not stop being me, I would not stop dressing. I would be glad to meet in the middle, even go more than half way, but I would no longer deny me. I told her that if our relationship was worth saving, my CD should not be a threat to her. I went into counselling for a couple of months mostly to have a place to go and talk openly about my CD and our relationship. It helped me to solidify my feelings. We are together today. Our relationship is stronger than ever and we have found a comfort zone regarding my dressing. She would still wish it away, but then she would wish away alot of things over which neither of us have any control. I have no advise, just wanted you to know that you need to decide what you want and you need to be clear in that for your own sake. Gentle but firm. My thoughts are with you, Louise

[Sharon B.]

Melissa,
Been there before she may be sucking up to you to get information as to how long you have been crossdressing, likes and/or dislikes. So that she can use that against you in the divorce. Expose you to your employer, family and friends if she doesn't get what she or her lawyer wants in the pending divorce.
Hate to be real but life's a B*^#CH then sometimes we marry one and its there way or the highway.
Just my two cents worth.

PS
Took me a long time to come to an understanding as to who or what I am. Do I miss being around intimate with a woman yes I do, but I also enjoy dressing as one.

[melissacd]

We are into a new week and life continues to be interesting. My partner and I have decided for the moment not to make any major living arrangement changes, which is fine with me as I am still working through this. I am well into planning what needs to be done to untangle our lives and separate. Since the decision to separate, my partner (is it time to start calling her my ex???) is being really quite nice to me, true to her desire to continue to be good friends. I believe her sincerity that she still loves me and wants the parting to be easy, friendly and fair to both all. Now that she has no romantic connection it seems easier for her to be supportive of me and my lifestyle. I have been out a few times, sometimes quite late and she is totally fine with this and even asks me how it went, did I have a good time.

As to how long this state will last, it is hard to say, but at least it makes the process of creating a sensible separation plan easier. From an emotional standpoint I am sad at the end of a 25 year relationship, however, I am also accepting of this path. She and I have been going through this process for a decade so most of the emotional grieving and mourning is long over. I am hoping that this friendly state continues, I would still like to be her friend after we have physically separated. It will make dealing with our children's issues and family gatherings easier. Time will tell whether she and I are adult enough to keep things friendly.

The important thing to keep doing is moving forward. I feel hopeful about my future, something that has been absent for a long time. I will be able to create a life where I can be authentic to myself, my loved ones, my friends and any future romantic interests. I know that I will stumble as I go along, however, in the end it will be a more positive life affirming and personally self fulfilling journey.

Huggs
Melissa

[Sophia Rearen]

Melissa,
Maybe it's time to throw caution to the wind? Time to start dressing in front of her. Maybe she'll be ok with it? Maybe she'll grow accustomed to it? Maybe, you'll find out it's not all that you thought it would be? You have nothing to lose.

[melissacd]

Melissa,
Maybe it's time to throw caution to the wind? Time to start dressing in front of her. Maybe she'll be ok with it? Maybe she'll grow accustomed to it? Maybe, you'll find out it's not all that you thought it would be? You have nothing to lose.

Sophia,

If I did not have to contend with my son and my mother in law in the house I might consider doing that if nothing more than to show her how harmless this all is, however, if I did this with the risk of my son and mother in law possibly seeing me that way I am pretty sure she would totally freak out on me. I believe that I would lose any possible good will that she has at the moment. I feel that my best course of action is to do things in a way that maintains her good will so that the separation process can be as smooth as possible. She has already made it very clear to me that she does not want to see me that way in person or in picture.

Huggs
Melissa

[Melanie R]

Oh and contrary to what others have said - sometimes it is the cross dressing that breaks up a marriage.


Melissa[/QUOTE]

As a family and marriage therapist and TG person who has worked with hundreds of couples over the past 25 years, it is very rare that crossdressing is the main cause for a marriage ending. Yes, there are women who say that they will never accept the dressing but do beleive that the relationship is worth saving. Those that want to end the relationship and want no further discussion or understanding of what is really going on with the husband who is a crossdresser, in time that relationship will end. My first wife (now deceased) ended the marriage because I would not choose her over my dressing. 6 years after my second marriage to the most accepting wife in the world and 2 weeks before her sudden death she made this statement, "I gave up the love of my life because I wanted my knight in shining armour who did not wear a dress. I never found that person but know that I had that person in shining armour who just loved wearing a dress soemtime. I should never have given that ultimatum". It was too late for her. She died with a broken heart - of her own doing.

[melissacd]

Melanie,

I expressed this situation to my partner. I asked her to keep trying to work through this with me - she says that she won't. She says she does not want to stop me from being who I am and feel that the only resolution is to split because she cannot accept my dressing and I cannot stop being who I am.

I said there may come a time when she regrets this decision and at a point where it will be irreversible. I said that it would be a shame that she did not give it a chance now while there is still a possibility of turning things around. She stated emphatically that that won't happen. All I can do is accept her decision and the way that she feels.

Bit by bit, day by day I am getting more comfortable with her choice and I am starting to develop hope and excitement for the new journey and life that I am starting. I am not sure where she is in her process, but in time, when I really leave the house, I will find out.

She said that she wants to continue to be good friends and see each other regularly. I said, realistically, once I am gone from the house we will slowly drift apart and one day not see each other ever again. I think to some extent my still being in the house allows her, at some level, to deny the brutal facts of what is really going to happen. For now she gets her cake and eat it too, she can reject my dressing and our intimacy and still have me around as a friend and companion. Pretty good situation for her.

Huggs and thanks for your words,
Melissa

[TxKimberly]

Melissa,

I'm so sorry. That sounds so weak given the situation your in, but nothing else I can say would be better. I'm sorry it came to that . .
Kim

[Niki 4U2 Nite]

Melissa---

Oh Mi God!
New to the site, so just catching up with some of the stories. Girlfriend, we are like in parallel universes. Our marriage counsellor at least had us do two sessions with me "en femme" before declaring that there could be no "satisfactory reconciliation" of our individual needs, despite deep love, fondness, and respect. Honestly, she dressed like an earth mother and I dressed in something I'd never let me daughter wear out of the house on a date. Kinda funny....in hindsight.
And I was the one who hired her for being expert in CD/TG issues.

A long story short.... I met a guy who knows how to make me feel like the woman I am. The therapist was right.

My mom and dad are now 84 and love me just the same-- though it took some time. My ex's parents reaction was--- "So what if he wants to wear a dress-- and stay out with his friends all night. He makes good money. You keep him no matter what!" Nice, attitude, huh?

My kids are happier not seeing their parents fight all the time. We all get along so much better now. When the tears dry, let their be smiles, laughter, and kindness again.

A word of caution through this.... as painful as it will be emotionally, keep your head about financial matters in the divorce. I would become either guilt wracked about ending the relationship, self absorbed with my newfound independence to express my inner me, or too carefree in the details of what was a costly and emotional separation. Believe me, when her lawyers were done, SRS was almost a moot point, since she had secured my balls along with the bank accounts in the settlement.

I barely had enough money at the end of the month for a manicure! It's a shame when you actually have to work the bar for a drink cuz your purse is running on empty. I understood this was her only means of expressing her anger and betrayal. We got through it.

Kiss and Dish,
Luvya, Niki :doll:

[KewTnCurvy GG]

"Love Transcends All" ??????? I'm sorry but she couldn't have loved you.

That's not true or fair Joy.

Kew

[RobertaFermina]

Dear Mellissa,

It seems to be time to begin grieving in earnest, and to begin to open to a vision of your new life. Listen for that voice inside you that will comfort, protect and guide you.

I agree with the suggestion that she may be kind and peacable while she develops a dossier for the divorce proceedings. Think Good Cop/Bad Cop.

You may need to struggle to achieve fairness. Yielding guarantees bounty and fairness only when you yield all to your higher power. Who else is worthy of that trust? If both of you lived deeply and faithfully by the very same virtues (higher power) then such trust might be shared between you. Do you live by the same virtues?

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[suezeq]

do it now see a lawer asap the longer you wait the harder it gets she wants her cake and eat it my ex wanted to do the same if you are going to split up 50/50 on all things and that includes all the bills good luck

[Marcie Sexton]

I am truely sorry that things haven't worked out...With all that said, sounds like she has a sense of security in/around you shes not willing to give up...As harsh as it sounds, she has wrote a check with her mouth her a** can't/won't cash...Insist she see to her mother in an up close and personal way, living with her...Be a stand up dad to the children, but she needs to take a hike...

I really wouldn't trust her now, she has made it abdunently clear she wants no maritial relationship with you...sounds like she has opened the door to an open relationship of her own by her rules...

From a voice of experience...stash some cash...atleast enough to get by on for 90 days...voice of my attorney when I went through my "no fault" divorce
several years ago...seems we were living from payday to payday, but the day our divorce was final she paifd cash for a brand new TransAm to the tune of 25 K, then had the nerve to Thank me for the new car...

Prepare yourself...Enuff said...

[melissacd]

I appreciate all of the feedback and you have all given me much to ponder. In as much as I appreciate her keeping the peace and being friendly at the same time continuing to live together in our current state of relationship also has a big discomfort factor that I had not anticipated.

At first I thought I could easily handle this, but I am now finding it more of a challenge. For example, the other day she wanted to sell some kitchen furniture that she no longer likes and then go shopping for new furniture for the house. Now the last thing I want to do right now is more household things. I have said to her a number of times that I have no interest in investing any further in the house. She on the other hand wants to start up new projects that are not cheap.

I can understand her wanting to continue to move forward as if life were back to normal, however, I cannot see the logic of doing more to the house at this point. To me we should be in a holding pattern until we see the right time to make the physical split.

It confusing and disturbing. I have to sit down with her and sort his out.

Melissa

[CharlaineCadence]

I can not say that I know how to help you hun though i wish i did. I know their is nothing I can say or do to make the feelings of hurt lessen. Though I can and do offer my support feel free to pm me any time hun.
kisses

[admirerplus GG]

Melissa,

I imagine that this situation may be much more difficult because you still love your wife and continue to have feelings for her. Perhaps, you may wish to consider seeking advice from more than one authoritative source. Obtaining pofessional, objective and impartial advice may be helpful, in a situation where you could be emotionally vulnerable.

I wish you success and happiness.

[Alice Torn]

I can surely empathise, as I am going through a similar situation, with a female, that I have been renting a room with, and I am doing 100% of the cleaning, and work, inside, and outside, while she only sits and watches stupid tv, getting fatter, blaming everyone else for her problems, has a mustache, has not worn a dress, since childhood, hates men, just uses them.. In fact, she has no friends, at all, doesn't want any. 12 cats, and two big dogs, in the house, it looks l;ike a herd of pigs came through.. I clean it up, she lets it get filthy, throughs all the trash on the floor. I will have to live in an older van, when I move out. We are not lovers, as she won't let a man touch her. None would want to. She is LAZY, but owns an acre, with house, 14 animals. After I leave, to live in my van, she will be forced, to work, to keep her place livable. I don't think she will, too spoiled, and lazy. If this awful situation, helps you, to feel a little less alone, then good. I just wish gg's would think like men more.

[AllieSF]

Hang in there. You seem to have a good handle on what has happened and where you might be going. Keep your head high, and if not dressing for ahwile helps, consider it.

Good luck.

[kittypw GG]

Melanie,

I said, realistically, once I am gone from the house we will slowly drift apart and one day not see each other ever again.

Huggs and thanks for your words,
Melissa

Why should you leave the house? She wants out, she should leave. You could continue to provide a home for your child and be the father and she can persue her new life. Who says that a mother is a better costodial parent? My husband raised his daughter from the age of 3 by himself. It would be hard to prove that you are a crossdresser in court, especially if she has never seen you. Maybe the reality of her and her mother being put out would get through her thick and stubborn skull. I'm shocked at how rigid she is about something she has never even been a part of.:(

The being all nicey nice to you is an act so that you don't throw her out on her can which is what she deserves.

Maybe it's time to stop playing mr. nice guy. It might take something drastic to make her see how selfish she is being. Yes I said selfish. That IS what she is.

Stay strong and don't feel like since you are the cd you have to make all of the consessions. :hugs:
Kitty

[Lovely Rita]

I am so sorry to hear about this. I only hope that some how some way things can change for the better.

[jo10460]

Hi,

I have been married for 34 yrs and Cd'ing most of it and am now going through the exact same thing....she couldn't accept it and has just moved out....and we told the kids (auult now) that we are getting a divorce.....it is so sad.....


PS ...I just discovered this site and this is the first time I ever poseted anywhere on this topic.....

My sympathies to you...

Sad in PA
Jo