Lying !!

[Sarah Plumber]

Well I suppose I better say something..I've been loitering for too long.

Just like alot of girls here I've been at it it since I was young. I dream of waking up as a female. I look at my wifes clothes every morning in envy...but enough of that for now..

My problem is that I'm normally a happy bouncy kind of person. I try to look on the bright side and I'm very honest.

Now when it comes to dressing I'm a lousy lyer...My lovely wife whom I love very much has found "the Stash" on numerous occations over the 15 years we've been togther and she always get very upset. Now I don't really blame her at all. She had a fairly sheltered upbrininging and finds it hard to understand or come to terms with. We have discussed it on and off but it is always a very difficult subject. She can be very rational with most things but this just knocks her for six even after all these years. I lie to her a great deal after any discoveries or when the subject comes up...."I've stopped"....."not done it for months"..."not bought anything for years"....etc etc....I know she can see right through me, but I still do it...I suppose I'm trying to avoid the reality and soften the blow...and she knows it......Then after a few days we're back to normal and all's well....until the next time. I hate doing this to her..but as some of you may know this is not easy to "give up"....

What do I do? Be more open and upfront with the risk of upsetting her by "rubbing her nose in it"? If I'm honest with her she might understand better? Do I play her game and continue to ignore the subject?

I sure you ladies will have some thoughts on the matter. I like to hear what the GG's have to say on the matter..

[susandrea]

If she'll read "My Husband Betty" it might help a great deal.

:thumbsup:

[kimberly_f37]

Sara
If u had this dicussion in the past,, why didn't u just be honest about it and tell her ur feelings about CD.. Have u ever gotten into her mind and see what she think about a Crossdressers ? Never know till u find out !!

It might be a Wonderful thing to find out that she some what Except it!

Have A Great Day Girls!! :love:

[marie354]

You need to sit down and have that heart-to-heart talk and explain that it's a part of you that's not to go away... EVER!
Then wait for the questions... She'll ask if your gay or will you leave her for another man, etc., etc.
Be ready to answer them honestly.
When I first told my SO when we were dating, sho just said, "It's OK with me." and nothing more.
When I brought it up a month or so later, she told me that it was OK but she didn't want to see it.
Now... 5-years later and she lets me dress whenever I want in whatever I want. I do dress as I feel a lady of "my age" should, so it's really just an enhancement of who I am and not really trying to pass as a GG. Although that has always been a dream of mine, it's just not going to happen.

So... It's time to open up.

[Di]

Ok...you said your wife found your stash on numerous occasions ...why not tell the truth...what in the world did you say if not the truth...............to me...and I'm not your wife....but lies are the end all to me....nothing worse than a lie.. but thats me.

[Sarah Plumber]

Thanks for that..

Now, we have discussed it over and over. She has done a little research and we've done the "gay" bit. The trouble is she still can't get a handle on it. As I've said she gets upset at any mention of the subject, but then she did stroke my bottom the other day and say " are you wearing girls pants again"? and that was it....she was right as well....I lied !!

It seems to me that she puts up with it but tries very hard not to do anything to encourage me. Her thought are "if I do nothing it will go away!"

I don't like the "heated" discussions we have and I think she would blank me if I try to take things forward a little.....I keep knagging for a nighty but I get told to give it rest or get a dirty look...

I love her so much but want to break free just as much....It would be so nice to go shopping and for to so say something like "so what?" I'd be happy with that rather than her avoiding the subject at all costs...

[Dana Carlton]

Why not have her read the posts on this site. Maybe she'll see that it is not just you, but numerous people who have this behavior. Tell her you were looking up "crossdresser" on the net, to get a better understanding of it for yourself, and stumbled across this site. Let her research it for herself first. I wouldn't be pushy with it. But I would ask her to do it for you and your relationship. So that you can both get a better understanding of crossdressing. Then maybe the two of you can read the posts together.

[marie354]

You must procede very slowley!
There are a million things rolling around in her mind, overwhelming her a bit now.
It will take some time for her to digest the whole idea of your dressing.
Just be patient.

[Tina B.]

It is a scary thing, and of course we don't know your wife, there are some that would prefer to hang on to denial, even if they know the truth. Some would rather have it all up front, and deal with it.
But it is hard for most people, wives included, they have a hard time understanding that for most of us it is a compulsion, that can't not be ignored. You tell her you have quit, and at one time you might have belived that, but you know you can't. So at some point you have to deal with which she can handle best, a crossdresser, or a liar. And what do you want out of it all, to spend your time waiting for the next blow up, or maybe some understanding, and some space to take care of your needs. It's hard, and unfortunately does not alway have a happy ending, so give it a lot of thought, before you make a move.
Tina B.
Remember once she out "you can never put the Jeni back in the bottle"

[AllyM]

Sarah,

I am a firm believer in honesty is the best policy. I also understand there are times in our lives when it seems best to just cover things, or worse yet deny them. Within the last year, I have completely opened up to my wife. Over this time, we have discussed everything - even things about her it would probably be best to not know! This was very difficult for both us. I know for me, and I believe I speak for both us, having the openness now in our relationship has strenghthened it. I still get mad, she still get upset, but we work together.

In short, be very sensitive to her feelings regarding this topic and work together. Continued lying will only cover things up and it will surface again later. Good luck!

[MJ]

as some have said try to talk to her again be honest, show her this site let her read the threads, have a heart to heart. you know you can't stop you have to talk about it

[Holly]

Sarah, I don't know a lot. But what I do know is that lying to a mate will absolutely not create a firm relationship. You are only kidding yourself if you think for a moment that your wife has bought your denials over the years. She's found your things!

You have to face one other fact... you are a cross dresser. You need to accept that for yourself. Until you can accept yourself for who and what you are, you have no hope of gaining acceptance from others.

Your road ahead will not be easy. You must risk barring your very soul to your wife. Your desire and urge to cross dress are as ingrained into your being as the beating of your heart or your drawing breath. It is a piece of the whole you and without it, you are incomplete... just as you would be incomplete without the love of your life. Your task now is to open up to your wife and allow her to see the entire you. And trust the love the two of you have for one another... "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Best wishes.

[Stephenie S]

Dear Sarah,

You have presented us with only two options:

1.) Continuing to lie to your wife
2.) "Rub her nose in it" (your words)

There are other ways to proceed with this, but they revolve around honesty. Having a loving relationship does NOT include "rubbing her nose" in anything. You need to have an honest talk with her.

Right now, she KNOWS that you:

1.) Haven't stopped crossdressing
2.) Continually lie to her

And you wonder why she is upset?

What you want is for her to accept you for who you are. You need to present to her that you are something other than a lier who sneaks around hiding a large part of who you really are.

Have that talk, hon. Your relationship can't get better untill you do.

Lovies,
Steph

[maggie]

I feel for you, Sarah, because I have been there. I am sorry that I can't offer any easy answer, because I am now separated, like the vast majority of sisters I have known. Although I have met a few wives who are happily married to crossdressing husbands, it seems that separation and divorce is the norm.

I found that my wife's revulsion toward my transgenderism was a deeply emotional thing that was beyond rationality and beyond my control. Regardless of how honest I tried to be, no matter how much I tried to educate her about transgenderism, her reaction was overwhelmingly negative.

I was damned if I did, and damned if I didn't. She said she couldn't trust me because I had hidden the crossdressing from her (even though I voluntarily told her shortly after I started), therefore, how many other secrets might I be hinding? She claimed that it wasn't the crossdressing that bothered her, but the secrecy. I said, fine, I want to be open to you about this. But when I was, she got even more upset and complained about me being "in her face" about it. In fact, she did not want to see it or know about it, not even to look at my pictures or come to see me perform on stage. All she got from reading "My Husband Betty" was a conviction that our marriage could not survive.

She had claimed to be my soul-mate, but she could not accept this part of me. She loved only the image of what she wanted to love, not the whole me.

So, if you feel your marriage is worth saving, my advice is to proceed very slowly and very carefully. Do not trust anything your wife says. Even if she seems accepting at one moment, do not assume that this will last. Do not get your hopes up. Do not expect her to be rational about this. Like me, you may suddenly find yourself unpleasantly surprised.

Maggie

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

you need to be honest with her. carrying on not telling her is making it far worse each time. sit her down, and start from the beginning. have her put input into what your saying, THEN let her have her say. get boundries set, ( likes/dislikes ).
but PLEASE tell her. your putting off the ineventable !! & the longer it goes on, the more hurt will grow :rolleyes:

[dancinginthedark]

Dear Sarah,

You have presented us with only two options:

1.) Continuing to lie to your wife
2.) "Rub her face in it" (your words)

There are other ways to proceed with this, but they revolve around honesty. Having a loving relationship does NOT include "rubbing her face" in anything. You need top have a honest talk with her.

Right now, she KNOWS that you:

1.) Haven't stopped crossdressing
2.) Continually lie to her

And you wonder why she is upset?

What you want is for her to accept you for who you are. You need to present to her that you are something other than a lier who sneaks around hiding a large part of who you really are.

Have that talk, hon. Your relationship can't get better untill you do.

Lovies,
Steph

Sarah what Steph has written rings so very true. I was lied to over and over through the years and it does take a toll on a person's soul to have some one you loved and trusted so much lie to you like that.(Lied about non-dressing issues) Trust is lost and is very hard to win back again.

Educate yourself and prepare and then please be honest with her. Here's some information that may help and a quick search here will turn up lots of hits on how it feels for a GG to find out on her own. Best of luck to you.

How to Tell Your Partner
http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs/howtellpartner.html
An article written by one of our members, Marla gg, on how to tell the woman in your life about yourself.


dancin

[Dragster]

Although many of the posts in this thread carry excellent advice, it will not always produce an answer to your problem Sarah. I first "came out" to my wife almost 20 years ago, and she was very upset. Her final comment was that she "didn't want to know", so I remained in the closet. I didn't lie to her because she never brought the subject up again.

After finding this site 2 years ago, I bought "My Husband Betty", read it myself to try to understand her point of view, and gave it to her to read the first 4 chapters, in preparation for a heart-to-heart. I'd even marked parts of the text which I identified with, to use as an ice-breaker and to start the discussion. After gentle prompting (the last thing I wanted to do was to ram it down her throat) over 8 months or so, she at last said she had read it, and it hadn't changed her mind, she still thought CDing was disgusting, and she had no questions to ask. I've probed what she meant by "disgusting", but she can't describe it, other than repeating "It's disgusting". I'd made notes to help the discussion, to describe my feelings by reference to Helen Boyd's text, but it prompted nothing in the way of questions until she saw a photo of a rather gorgeous looking CD (I forget who, now), right on the page where he/she'd listed many of her feelings she had when she crossdressed, most of which applied to me too. Well, my wife zeroed in on the photo, and asked if I wanted to look like that, and since I'd told her I'd tell the truth (I'd never lied to her, ever, I just had kept it a secret), I said "Yes, if I do something, I want to make a good job of it". That was the end of the conversation. She said it made her feel sick to think that I would want to do that. At one stage, she had said that she could not bring herself to make love to anyone who wanted to wear female clothes, and we went through several months without any sex. With that hanging over me, I did not want to initiate sex, and she didn't take the initiative either. It was only when I gave her a letter I'd spent some time composing, spelling out where I wanted our future to go, and pointing out that "if she didn't want a sex life with me, then what did she expect me to do to satisfy my sexual needs", and "did she really still want any sort of relationship". It seemed she did, and we resumed a rather sparse sexual activity. I hadn't been unfaithful to her, in fact we've each only ever had one sexual partner, one another, and I still think that's rather special in this day and age. I'd satisfied my own sexual needs, using CDing (when the opportunity arose) and the fantasy of it, to enhance my excitement, and I told her that too.

To help get the dialogue going again, I wrote her another letter last October, explaining my history on this subject from age 10ish, my thoughts and motivations along the way, why I didn't tell her before we married, and I wanted to come clean now, after 40 years of our relationship, and adding 4 possible scenarios for our future, depending on our atitude to this "problem", with an invitation to pick one, or make up one of her own. She's carried it around, unopened, since then, saying she doesn't want to read any more letters from me and why can't I just tell her face-to-face. Well, before Christmas, I tried to initiate that discussion, but it was always "I'm too tired right now", or "I'm too busy with Christmas, try me in the New Year" (she hasn't tried the headache trick yet!) so I finally said "OK, you tell me when you've got a couple of hours and are ready to talk". Guesss what; we're nearly at the end of February, and she's never found the right time, and every time I've reminded her I'm still waiting, she's always too tired.

So, being honest, buying litterature, not being pushy, and generally treating her like a lady in other aspects of her life (she really loved the roses and the love letter she got for Valentine's day) has resulted in ZILTCH, except a crap love life. Even she said she thinks our love life is crap, but I can't get through to her to try to change anything. I know I can't do much about my desire to CD. I can stop for a while (as I have), but the desire just keeps building up and occupies most of my thoughts until I get the next "fix", and for me, that's still sexual. I really do want to get her to a point where she can accept that it's a part of me, even if she never wants to see it, and that she still loves all of me, but I wonder if it will ever happen. I won't give up on her, we've had too many good times and I love her too much for that. I wish you all more luck in your relationships, and live in hope that one day we will make a breakthrough.

Any ideas on a postcard to ............

Tony

[michellebesweet]

You need to be honest with her Sarah, you have no other choice, you cannot live a lie.

[Glamourgirl GG]

Sarah--WOW you just said everything that happened to me. My husband said the same things and I wanted to believe it so much, that after a few days I would stop thinking about it so things could go back to normal...until the next time...and then I blew up even more.

I whole heartedly believe in being honest and upfront, I wish he would've done it from the start. I'm not sure her having a sheltered upbringing means anything, because I saw many things in my life, yet was still unprepared when my husband came out to me.

I know it's hard, but I do think you need to find a way to talk with her--very carefully. Because of all of the lies, she most likely has trust issues with you, and when you finally say "I have been lying to you..." she will many times question when you are telling the truth from here on forward and also when reflecting on the past. If you continue to be honest, no matter her reaction, it will build trust again so she can take you at your word. Honesty is everything to women, without it you have no solid relationship.

I would ask her to go to counseling with you, not for you to stop being who you are, but so that you can discuss this part of you in a neutral zone and help her to understand the things you have hidden from her and why you did.

If she sets limits--abide by them. We set limits so that we are not overwhelmed and can come to understand things at our pace. If anything, I think this is the one thing men don't understand. They look at it as a control thing. It certainly isn't. We just need space and time to get used to it, to understand it and to move forward. Her limits may last weeks or it may last months--it will definitely put you to the test on how much you can handle--but if your marriage means anything to you, listen to her through her words, actions and body language.

Keep communication open, even if she appears to shut down. If you stop talking, she may try to shelf the issue until it comes up again.

You can PM me if you want because I can certainly relate to what you are going through.

[Sarah Plumber]

Dragster

It's nice to konw I'm not the only one! You sound so similar to me it's frightening ! As I've said we been discussing this fro years now and I still get the same result. The sex thing sound very familier. Our sex life goes up and down (sorry for the pun) though, but then it's has'nt been "hetic" since we started living togther, but then there has been times when it's been fantastic.

Glamourgirl GG.

I've tried to PM you but it looks like my account won't let me sorry...I don't have an email account that my wife does'nt have access to to I don't want to scare her with chats about CDing from "strangers"...

Everybody else:

Some great comments..Thanks...I think the bottom line is that I have to live with the way things are. I've already mentioned that my marraige is very important to me and in most area's (except this one) it's great. OK so we have the odd domestic about house work and all the noremal stuff but we are grown up enough to see them for what they are and would consider something wrong if they stopped..

I think the bottom line is that my wife knows I'll never stop. That there are worse things I could be doing (sleeping around) but she really wishes it did'nt exist. We love each other a lot and all of the other issues in or lives are more important and bigger than this. I suppose it's a subject we have agreed to disagree on. But Oh do I wish sometimes it could be different. I will continue..try not to lie ... be more honest .... and continue to dream ...

xxx

[melissacd]

Sarah,

There have been many excellent suggestions here and if you read through many of the threads in this site you will find a great deal more wonderful advice. It is important to note that truth and honest communications are really the only answer. A relationship is built on trust.

Now that being said, while the truth will set you free, it may not be the freedom that you were hoping for. Be prepared for a whole range of twists and turns that you will need to show great patience with. The road "will" be bumpy no matter what her level of acceptance. There are trust issues, but there are many other issues as well. The journey will take you and her through a self discovery process and the end of the road may be total acceptance or the death of a relationship, but more than likely it will land somewhere in between. No matter the outcome, I suspect that you will feel better that you no longer have to lie or hide.

Huggs
Melissa

[slamddoger]

it is better to set her down teail the truth. because wife are smart thay know when we lying to them. and if thay fine out that we are lying to them it make them mader at us it justmake thing a lot wores to talk to them about it if we keep lying to them about it

[Sarah Plumber]

Well ladies, I think you've got the gist of things.

I've obviously been thinking and coping with this for a long time..(30 years or so)...so I've pretty much come to terms with myself. I think my wife has kind of got used to it although she's not happy with.

I do think that she feels that if she recognises it and gives some sign of acceptance she will be encouraging me and i think she is scared stiff of giving me a free reign. I think she is probably right on that score. Given the opertunity I dread to think how far I would go. Of course I would love to be out and about and to look as convincing as some of the lovely ladies around here but the truth is I would never pass being 6ft 6" tall. I realise that some do, but to be honest I would'nt feel comfortable. I'd want to be treated as lady and not a man in dress and that would be almost impossible avoid however convincing I became.

I'd love to be able to wear panties all of the time...wear a bra as often as possible...shave the relevant bits...wear anighty to bed and a skirt at weekends...Boy that would be heaven. If we could shop together without any undertones of critisim would be great. I do tend towards Sissy though and I think that would definatly be to much for her.

Just a little aside I do think she understands a little as she bought me flowers for Valantines day !!

[Stephenie S]

Well ladies, I think you've got the gist of things.

I'd love to be able to wear panties all of the time...wear a bra as often as possible...shave the relevant bits...wear anighty to bed and a skirt at weekends...Boy that would be heaven. If we could shop together without any undertones of critisim would be great. I do tend towards Sissy though and I think that would definatly be to much for her.

Just a little aside I do think she understands a little as she bought me flowers for Valantines day !!

Dear Sarah,

I can guarantee that if you try and dress "sissy", you won't be doing ANY of the things you state that you want to do with your wife. On the other hand if you can develope an "appropriate" look, you will have more of a chance. Yes, 6'6" women are not that common, but you will probably not ever be accepted as a genetic woman. Your goal should be to appear APPROPRIATE. Tasteful clothes, tastefully worn, in the right circumstances will carry you a long way. It's not hard to get upset at a 6'6" Sissy maid out shopping at the mall. It is much more difficult to get upset at someone with 6'6" of casual elegance. Besides, at 6'6" , who is gonna mess with you anyway?

Go slow. ASK her for help in developing a "look" (you will need to do this anyway). Please give up the "sissy" look except in the privacy of your own home (and probably alone, for the sake of your wife). You can do this. Many of us do. It can be a LOT of fun. Just use some common sense.

Lovies,
Stephenie