OK I gave it a try

[Staci G]

I did it I tried to talk to my wife about my dressing, I told her everything to the point of showing her my stash but didnt want to take a chance on losing it.. In her words "If I ever see you or catch you wearing so much as lip stick I will kill you" I know she dont mean it literally (hmmm I think) but she will "out" me to all my family and friends she did tell me that. She wants to hear nothing else about it nor is there any room for discussion..
Well so muh for the honest approach. Now what??
I am miserable, depressed and not looking forward to a life of hiding and sneaking. Not to mention not being able to go out or to support group meetings, Triess just opened a new chapter in my area and I was looking to join that..

I guess you ladies are the light in my tunnel and I thank you all :hugs:

[Tina B.]

Sorry to hear that sweetie, I know it is rough, I wish I had a good idea to pass along, but I don't.
Sometimes there is just no easy way.
Tina B.

[dancinginthedark]

I'm sorry it didn't go well for you. Did you tell her in a serious manner or was it more of a "What if" telling? If the later perhaps she didn't take you as seriously as she would have otherwise. Easy enough to dismiss things if the person doing the telling doesn't have a firm commitment to the idea either. :2c:

I have added a thread that may help if you or anyone else decides to take the plunge again. Have a look around the site if you've some free time lots of very helpful information to be found. And doing a search right here will get you lots of do's and don'ts. And there are several threads made by GG's who just found out, my own included, that may give you an idea of how to handle it if there is going to be a next time.

How to Tell Your Partner
http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs/howtellpartner.html
An article written by one of our members, Marla gg, on how to tell the woman in your life about yourself.

Is there some reason you couldn't still go alone to support groups/meetings in your area? IF this is a don't ask don't tell situation wouldn't it still fall under the don't tell stuff? I am being sincere in asking and mean no disrespect at all to you or the situation. You have I assume managed to dress in the past why couldn't you manage some much needed support? I don't normally advocate secrets/lies/deceit in any relationship and I'm trying hard not to now...still if she is giving you a don't ask don't tell situation. OTOH the threat to "out" you is a worry and it just didn't set very well with me either. Dang guess I am just justifying again. I'm sorry wish I had some answers for you.

dancin

[Staci G]

I'm sorry it didn't go well for you. Did you tell her in a serious manner or was it more of a "What if" telling? If the later perhaps she didn't take you as seriously as she would have otherwise. Easy enough to dismiss things if the person doing the telling doesn't have a firm commitment to the idea either. :2c:

I have added a thread that may help if you or anyone else decides to take the plunge again. Have a look around the site if you've some free time lots of very helpful information to be found. And doing a search right here will get you lots of do's and don'ts. And there are several threads made by GG's who just found out, my own included, that may give you an idea of how to handle it if there is going to be a next time.

How to Tell Your Partner
http://www.beaumontsociety.org.uk/wobs/howtellpartner.html
An article written by one of our members, Marla gg, on how to tell the woman in your life about yourself.

dancin

She saw that I had polished my toes but did a bad job taking it off so I said sit down I will tell you the rest it has been hidden long enough.. But yes I was very serious and so was she

[dancinginthedark]

She saw that I had polished my toes but did a bad job taking it off so I said sit down I will tell you the rest it has been hidden long enough.. But yes I was very serious and so was she

Dang. I am so sorry Staci. It took a lot of guts to set her down like that. Maybe in time she will rethink her negative take on things. I sure hope so. It sucks to be feeling so rejected.

I know acceptance can be an on going thing and many have lots of ups and downs so all hope is not lost IMO. Sounds like your wife needs some very basic information on what CD-ing is and isn't too. I read that out right rejection as fear or ignorance on her part if not both. Read that article babe it'll help I think in the long run. Can't hurt right? Time and patience on your part. Sorry to dump it all on you but there you have it. Maybe some slow learning but...we can hope. Yes?

A quick :hugs: if you don't mind. I think you could sure use one today.

dancin

[amanda barber]

I did it I tried to talk to my wife about my dressing, I told her everything to the point of showing her my stash but didnt want to take a chance on losing it.. In her words "If I ever see you or catch you wearing so much as lip stick I will kill you" I know she dont mean it literally (hmmm I think) but she will "out" me to all my family and friends she did tell me that. She wants to hear nothing else about it nor is there any room for discussion..
Well so muh for the honest approach. Now what??
I am miserable, depressed and not looking forward to a life of hiding and sneaking. Not to mention not being able to go out or to support group meetings, Triess just opened a new chapter in my area and I was looking to join that..

I guess you ladies are the light in my tunnel and I thank you all :hugs:

Well now you know, and thats NOT a bad thing. You know how things are and you can't be blindsided one day and have no time to make plans for how the rest of your life will be. You know, threats of violence being the consequence of not accepting controlling behavior is not a good sign in any relationship.

[Stephenie S]

And all is not lost, sweetie. At least it's out in the open. You know she doesn't aprove, but she knows (I hope you told her) that you CD. Now you just have to work up some sort of compromise. (I understand that right now, the compromise is: she will kill you if you do it), but that's probably not a literal threat. And it leaves you with some room to negotiate. She probably does not really want you dead. Think of your poor orphan children. So don't stop talking. Take it easy, don't push too hard, but don't let the subject die. (including yourself).

Lovies,
Steph

[Dixie Darling]

Staci,

Don't feel that you're all by yourself in your situation. There are a lot of us out here who took the approach that we NEEDED to tell our wives so as to remain open and honest about it. Although it's virtually impossible for us to convey the feelings to non-CD individuals that we have a need to give physical expression to what we feel inside, WE understand those needs and so do other crossdressers. We are extremely fortunate to have GG's here on the forum who recognize this need and even though they may not understand it, or even agree with it, they care enough about us to accept who we are for what we are. Being a crossdresser is not a flaw in us, but rather something we didn't ask for but have to learn to co-exist with all our lives - with or without the acceptance or tolerance of others.

You've done the right thing by telling your wife even though the result wasn't what you had hoped for. As others have already said, at LEAST she's aware of it now so there can be no more disclosure surprises in the future. It could be that the shock of finding out will eventually wear off enough that she will do some personal research about crossdressing which could result in a change of her attitude about it. All you can do at the moment is take satisfaction in the fact that you loved and trusted her enough to bare your very soul to her and hope that she has an equivalent amount of care and understanding for YOU to eventually try to understand the needs that you have. I've personally lived under similar conditions for many years now after trelling my wife and I STILL have hopes for improvements in our relationship in the future.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[Bonnie D]

I don't know your family situation childrenwise. They always have to be taken into account when drastic measures may result. Finances are also a big issue regarding decisions whether or not to stay together. By all means try to work something out with your wife regarding time to dress even if it is only when she is not around and going to Tri-ess events should be included. Get her reading material so that she can make an informed decision. If everything fails and she still wants to threaten you then I would start looking at your options concerning living somewhere else. Keeping it inside will eat you up and will probably cause stress related effects.

Not a good situation and I wish all the best for you. At least you have told her so that is a hugh step. I haven't told mine yet and it is eating me up.

Bonnie

[RobertaFermina]

Dear Staci,

I am looking at your Avatar, and you seem so far away and lonely. I am feeling a wish that you could come closer.

If you need any space to feel sadness or grief, by all means, take it and take your time.

It is always hard for me to bare my soul and be met with rejection, or partial rejection. I want my friend/SO to be as open-hearted and generous as I feel I am being. It is hard when I feel even more alone after being *so* vulnerable. If you are feeling this way, I understand.

I felt this way very intensely once, and felt I could not go on with the relationship, and had to flee. Someone wise said the right thing and turned me back toward the one I felt had betrayed me.

The wisdom is that I should give acceptance and love to the one from whom I want it. Whatever I want from her, that is what I should give.

The genius is that I may not get what I need *from* her, yet in giving it *to* her I am still getting what I need, as the feeling of it *is* passing through me. I learned that it doesn't matter what direction love goes when it passes through me, what matters is that it passes through me at all.

I get to feel love and acceptance that comes from within, and from that source of Goodness beyond, and I get to see my partner receive it. I fulfill the golden rule and know the best way for her to learn and comprehend what I need, is for her to receive it for herself.

How often I have sought to make another person change by trying to make them feel as *bad* as I feel, when real loving change is best motivated by promoting them to feel as *loved* as I wish to feel?

It is not guaranteed to wake her up to the highest possibility between you, yet I know of no other means that comes closer. However, if you believe in prayer, now seems a very good time.

May your wife come to know what a Miracle you are in your wholeness !

In Love and Service,

:rose: Roberta :rose:

[celeste26]

for you to take all the information you've learned here about fashion and things and flower your wife with good suggestions and (many )compliments. Be sure and not mention CD soon but unless your wife is a perfect 10 already, she just might begin to realize:
1)that you care about her
2) you can share many things she didn't realize with her (forget about sharing clothes now)
3)Eventually she will begin to understand how valuable an experience is that you have for both of you.

Granted it may take awhile for her to realize this but it will be the best way to et on her good side and let her come to her own understanding about the value she has for you.

Good luck

[Laura Jane]

Well so muh for the honest approach. Now what??

You decide whether you can or want to give up cross dressing or whether you carry on behind your wife's back and are prepared for the consequences or whether you can work on her and change her mind or ultimately whether you want to stay married to her under such terms.

Only you can answer these questions, we can only cheer you on like a Jerry Spinger auidence whether you're making the right choices or not!

[Julie York]

Do you know what she is thinking? Her worries, objections, disgust?



Ask her. Ask her until she is all talked out. Do you actually genuinely know her point of view?


Only when she has had an opportunity to express that, to vent her feelings. to try and articulate what she really feels about it, will she be in a position to listen to yours and wonder if she maybe has something to learn about the subject. Otherwise , you're flogging a dead horse.


I wish you luck.

[almalove]

Hi, I can not say that I know how you feel but I've played that scene in my head more time than I can count, all I can say is that I wish your situation gets better, for me it is a terryfing to think that I may be found out , I dont think my wife could take the shock, I had taste long ago with some family menbers , it was dessastrous. it is hard to explain our selfs to others, ( i'm still trying to understanded to my self ) be strong and hope the best for you and hopefully some day she will accept the fact ( that your are a CD ) even if she does not understands it. take time and care of your self and her I think she may be hurting inside, but does not want to show it all my best wishes.

Almalove

[Wendy me]

OK you had a talk and things kinda crashed and burned... your not the first and won't be the last...my wife knows but would rather not know.... first huge step has been taken by you... BTW con grads on that ... now it's small steps ... give her time to let it sink in .... and then start that long road of small steps ... one at a time ... with caring and understanding for her ... she is freaked out and probably scared too ... how long will it take who knows she might come around she might not ......the only thing you can know for now is you can't UN tell her... hang in there and go slow.....

[RobynM]

It's rough when you work up the courage to tell all and then it blows up in your face. The truth is that this is how it happens in most cases, yes there are a very few partners who are understanding right from the start, but they are rare. Most of the stories of instant acceptance and enthusiastic co-operation you read on media such as this are pure fantasy - and very dangerous in as much as they raise false hope.
The good news is that you have a starting point, albeit a death threat - not that unusual. Despite the bad reaction I'll bet that a part of you also feels a huge sense of relief at having told the truth.
Your partner now needs time to digest the information that has just hit her, trust me, it will have hit her very hard. Telling is not an end in itself, it's the start of a very long and slow process of discussion and discovery.
Be patient, be gentle. For a woman, finding that their man is not entirely a man is worse than adultery. As my wife said some time ago, "I knew something was wrong but I never imagined that you were the other woman"

[Alice B]

Time has a wonderful way of smoothing things out. Give her time to settle her toughts and she may loosen up. I know my wife did, but it took a while.

[Billijo49504]

Sorry to hear that your wife isn't very felxable. I hope things improve for you...BJ

[Barb Valentine]

That's such a shame
But I don't see any reason why
You still can't join the Triess
And if she must know
It's a night out with the boys
Hey your not lying

[Karen Johnson]

Each of these situations is different, so it's hard to say what the right thing to do is - keep the secret or to share.
Anyway, now the ball is in her court and you never know how she might react after she's had time to work it out a little.

[Mary Morgan]

I commend you on telling her. I know it takes some (a lot of) courage to do that. It is the right thing. Now she must confront her own feelings, and there will likely be a period of denial. As others have said, I suggest you just let it rest for a while. Be prepared for the denial to turn to anger before you can expect even a remote concilliation on this. She has a lot to deal with and if you give her the space, maybe her anxiety will ease. Just take a breath and give this time to sink in. I know it is not what you would wish for, but then it may become that if you are patient and sensitive to her feelings. Prepare yourself for the next discussion with her, and wait for her to initiate it. We are here for you.

[lowlavalentine]

Like the country song says "I wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then". First congratulations about the courage it took to have the conversation with your wife. I waited until my wife discovered by accident and thus lost the "trust factor" right out of the starting gate. At least you approached it proactively and thus as much as she may be shocked and rejecting of your dressing, you have gained honesty points.

If you haven't read it you might want to check out JoAnn Roberts' book "Coping With Crossdressing". It gives some great insight into how to discuss this with your SO, and by the sounds of it further discussion is warranted.

Good luck.

[sarainpa]

I used our long Presidents day weekend as a chance to do with same with my SO thinking that no matter what happened, we had days to work through any questions/problems. I would need them and then some. As your wife did, my SO took it very poorly, and was even mean about it initially. However we have talked about practically nothing else since. Every question Marla has on her list, she has asked me to this point (and then some). Initially she was not accepting at all telling me she could never accept/understand and really thought that it was something she was not doing - some way she was deficient in my life (nothing could be further from the truth and I have worked very hard to convince her of that since, but it has not been an easy task). I have tried to answer every question she has asked and there have been a lot of them - with plain honesty in he hope she will eventually understand what this means to me, and how I need her in my life now more than ever. As Marla said, she is really angry with me for hiding this (we have been together a long time) and said she had suspicions for some time now. We have since moved past the anger phase to really talking about our feelings and needs, after she initially pushed me away and said she wouldn't discuss it. I hope this will lead to a better place for both of us, but it's not going to be easy at all. All I can say from my recent experience is that I encourage you to make her understand that you are encouraging her to ask you any questions she has and that from this moment on, you will be honest with her about this part of your life and make it clear from the start that you need her in your life.

[melissacd]

Staci,

Like so many of us, cross dressing is an integral part of who we are. You are sad and depressed about this turn of events because you are not receiving important things that you require from your partner - acceptance or being allowed to be who you really are. To not achieve that is poison to a relationship. Notwithstanding this, you also have to respect how she feels about this.

Because she feels this way now, may just be a state of shock. You need to pace yourself with her, keep the communication going, make sure that your needs are clear to her without forcing it on her either. You need to be able to answer her questions, provide her with the information, resources, contacts that she can use to educate herself on this. If she is willing to learn and start to grow with you in this area then be patient, it will be a two steps forward, one step backwards process. It may feel very frustrating at times, however, if the general movement is forward and positive then you have a chance of success. you have to negotiate with her the hard and soft limits of your dressing. Hard limits being non-negotiable, things that she will never concede (i.e. having sex dressed up). Soft limits being things that she is not yet ready to accept (shaving your legs).

Through this process you probably want to enlist the help of a good counsellor, a TG knowledgeable one is best. You have to be prepared though to reach a point where, as in my case, you realize that she will never concede to any of it. At that point you have to accept that she won't change and determine what that means to you. For some, giving up cross dressing forever is an option, for others, like myself, giving it up is not a choice. Cross dressing to me is foundational to who I am. Giving it up would be like trying to live for very long without breathing air - ain't gonna happen.

Once you know the type of person you are, someone who can live without it or someone who cannot exist without it then, if she is unmoveable on the issue, you have to decide if you can spend the rest of your life in the shadows, lying to her about what you are doing, hiding your things, always being in fear of being discovered. Or you have to decide to move on. Neither path is a great choice. It is a matter of choosing the path of the least evils.

I hope that my rather long winded response may help you to gain some new insights into your problem. It is not an easy one to solve.

Huggs and best wishes
Melissa (who struggles with the same thing as you)

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

Sorry you had such a bad experience, you can't hold it against your wife though. She is probably scared of what she thinks about crossdressing and needs to be educated about it. I would try to come to a comprimise on the crossdressing since you probably won't be able to hide it anylonger. a good start is for you to ask for one night out a month at the triess meeting. Most of them have a place for you to change at the site and your wife would not have to have it in her face. I get dressed at home all the time for our Chi triess meetings and my wife goes with me to the meetings every month so I am one of the lucky ones. She wishes it would go back to the way we used to be before CD but she knows it will never happen so she works with me on it.
They also have a group meeting for the spouses of crossdressers at our Chi triess meetings, it's called PALS, Partners are loving supporters, I think is what it means. My wife likes this group because the GG's can safely voice there concerns and opinions since what happens in PALS stays in PALS

[Cindi Johnson]

Having "been there and done that", some 20 years ago, I'd suggest that the most probable outcome of your situation will be something akin to Clinton's "don't ask don't tell" policy. That is, your wife may agree to allow you to (very) occasionally give in to your urges if, and only if, she or anybody else does not see you or hear about it. In other words, like masterbation, it may not be a marriage-buster, but neither is it a matter open to any discussion.

I often felt that a major reason for my wife's (and yes, we did love each other very much, both before and after the disclosure) resistance was that dressing was when I actually was most male, meaning that it is an activity in which I am completely independant. To a lot of females only men are truly independant, and they fear that. By simply dressing, I could be happy and satisfied and yet not need anybody else, including her. Which understandably frightened her.

I'm single now (and so it goes....). Good luck to you.

Cindi Johnson

[Sweet Susan]

Staci,
I don't have anything to add to what the others said, other than hang in there. If you are where you are, you aren't going back. You'll never lose your desire to be what you are. It just isn't going to happen. What's the deal with outing you, anyway? Is the woman vindictive? Why on earth would she want to do that to you? We are all different and we all have different reactions to things, but I have to say that I wouldn't tolerate my wife outing me. You do what you need to do, but she could ruin your life by outing you, and she needs to know that. That's like the biggest example of a trust buster that I can think of. It kind of infuriates me. I better shut up before I get silenced by the moderators.

[Di]

Sorry it went so terribly bad for you........I think she just might have to digest everything you told her....have a read of the link Dancing gave you....hope it helps....and praying for you both.

[michellebesweet]

Sorry, Keep working on it, you need to just drop small hints, not big ones, try to work it into conversations, that's what I do with my SO, she still does not like it, but I am working on her, hopefully she will come around also. Good Luck.

[Staci G]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and support. We spoke again and again on the subject today she told me she "wished she could share my desire for womens clothing but the thought just makes her sick. She cant understand it and no matter how many websites or books there are on the subject she will never accept it" its just not NORMAL :rolleyes: so at least the death threats are now subsided and there is communication even if it is one sided. I am not giving up Staci is part of who I am and her bags are not packed (not purging) with the few things she has..

I really feel the sisterhood here and thank you all with all my heart..
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :koc: :koc:

[tommi]

I came out to my wife 10 years ago after 9 months of soso support she ordered a purge or get out.
I pushed everything to the back of the closet and would let a little trickle out
when time permitted it to. The last 2 years I have done alot but discreetly
and only when home alone. Last month she found me on this website after
long talk she still wants it in the closet and has been cold with me all over again.
It takes courage to tell,it takes more courage to work through it and it really
never totelly goes away. Take it slow and hopefully things will get better.:hugs:

[CandyDarling]

I really feel your pain. Be strong.

[Nyon]

Staci,

Here it is from the other side. You can simply have no idea at all what a huge thing this is for your wife. I dont know how old you both are, or how long you've been married, but if she had no idea before, she is going to be devasted. My husband told me right up front before we got married and it was an enormous shock. I mean, I had a vague idea that there were CD people out there - we've all see the Rocky Horror Show, and that was my only knowlegde of the condition! It's a real shock. Like I went cold. Literally. I was diagnosed with cancer a few years ago and it was less of a shock. OK. It's hard for you to appreciate this, because your CDing is so normal to you. But if your marriage is otherwise good, this will not be the end of the world. Your wife will turen it over and over in her mind and then probably come up with some questions. Her major issue is probably a fear that you will embarass her in company. If you have children, that will be another concern - she will not want them to know, however much gender activists advise to the contrary. Be loving, be gentle, be caring, DO NOT dress for a little while if there is the slightest chance of her discovering, and do NOT offer to dress in front of her. Curiosity will probab;y get the better of her eventually, and if you keep communications open, she will start to ask questions. The other thing she will feel very much is that this is a nasty secret that she cant discuss with anyone else - that is where forums such as this are invaluable.

Good luck. Oh: Tony and I have been married 10 years (both second marriages) and while this will always be an area of tension for us, we have learned to accomodate each other just fine.

Nyon

[lynn27]

Thank you all for your words of encouragement and support. We spoke again and again on the subject today she told me she "wished she could share my desire for womens clothing but the thought just makes her sick. She cant understand it and no matter how many websites or books there are on the subject she will never accept it" its just not NORMAL :rolleyes: so at least the death threats are now subsided and there is communication even if it is one sided. I am not giving up Staci is part of who I am and her bags are not packed (not purging) with the few things she has..

I really feel the sisterhood here and thank you all with all my heart..
:hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :koc: :koc:

Staci, don't give up. Maybe a different approach is in order. Work on being her friend, do little things for her, watch her shows, work with her on cooking and cleaning, do things together and be yourself. Be Staci with her without dressing. Maybe over time this will lead to you becoming her GF. Don't dress for a while and maybe she'll come around over time. Don't expect an instant change, do NOT "drop" hints or show her any signs of "dressing" and don't get mad if it never happens. She'll let you know if and when she is ready.

Your SO may never change but you can make things better between you guys and if it doesn't happen you still have a better relationship, a new "friend" and you can find your our time to be yourself without her.
I agree with Celeste:hugs:

[lisa68]

Sorry that it didn't go so well, but atleast you made the first step that alot of girls haven't even made yet. Give her alittle time and space to see if she will listen and understand you're feelings that you have inside your heart. There could be still a chance!

[MJ]

i am sorry it did not go well for you, Staci your wife may never ever change her mind some women are like that. i am not wife bashing here but :-

please look at it from her point of view she married a "wonderful man " her night in shining armor. and her "man" will love her and look after her

now she finds out her "man" love to dress up as a woman !!! this is more than she can handle how long have you been cding 10 or 20 years ? and how long as she had to deal with your cding a few days at best ..
i wish you well but don,t push too hard
hugs Marissa

[noname]

I'm sorry to hear things did not go so well :( . I normally do not advise this, but you do have a saving grace if you will. I would find a therapist ( stay with me ok? ) that works with gender issues, and so you can work on marriage issues. This could aid you on how to work with your wife and help you make lifes difficult decisions. You can visit a therapist without her knowledge. Your wife will never know unless you tell her with the new HIPPA laws. Just pay cash, or get a PO Box. If you use insurance, make sure the address is changed to a PO Box. Your insurance may not even know the details as to why your being seen as many doctors who practice in mental health use generic codes who's description will say something like, pshycological mood adjustment. You can call and ask the physicians office ahead of time.

- Used to work in mental health medical billing

[guruatbol]

If you seek help from a therapist, talk to your wife about at some point. It may be reassuring (I can't spell this late) to her and she may want to be able to understand more. Right now she is probably feeling very lonely and hurt. Maybe she is feeling like your deception is bigger than the dressing. Maybe she is feeling like she is inadiquate.

Whatever you do do not pus her. Just go with the flow. Abide by her limits even if it is difficult. Determine if your relationship is more or less important to you then dressing. You may have to give it up for a bit until she comes to grips with it.

I do agree, you should get help from a professional. She should too.

[janec]

Sorry to hear it didn't go well but one thing i can say from my own experience is that there is always hope when i told my so about my cding about a year ago she didn't want to know about it and said she did want to see it but as time has gone by she has gotten a bit more accepting and now is ok with me buying my own stuff where she was not before i just do it when she is not around it helps that she knows and if she doesn't wish to be involved at the moment who knows what the future may bring
most importantly you are not alone keep hope there is always light at the end
best wishes

[janec]

Sorry to hear it didn't go well but one thing i can say from my own experience is that there is always hope when i told my so about my cding about a year ago she didn't want to know about it and said she did want to see it but as time has gone by she has gotten a bit more accepting and now is ok with me buying my own stuff where she was not before i just do it when she is not around it helps that she knows and if she doesn't wish to be involved at the moment who knows what the future may bring
most importantly you are not alone keep hope there is always light at the end
best wishes

oh i forgot you also have to think about her feelings she is probably feeling down at the moment as well so reassure her and stick to her boundary's if and when you get that far