coming out to my kids?

[Olivia]

Well, once again I turn to my sisters for help and advice. I am very seriously considering telling my two children about my crossdressing. My daughter is 25 and my son is 23. She lives and works in Dallas, unmarried; he lives at home currently, also unmarried. I believe he already knows; he came home one afternoon a couple years ago and found me asleep on our bed in bra and panties (well, to be truthful, more like passed out, lol). He didn't wake me but I'm almost certain he did come in and see me. He made some joke later about switching drinks to something weaker than Wild Turkey, lol. He has never mentioned the cding however. Both of these young adults are extremely intelligent and very open-minded people. Somewhat typically perhaps, he's always been Mom's boy while she was "daddy's buddy". Both are close to me though and we've never had a serious falling out. When I mentioned this plan to one of my few friends "in the know about me", he cautioned me that maybe I was being selfish and wanted to tell them only to alleviate my own sense of guilt. I don't feel guilty however; I just want to be honest with them. I'm tired of them not knowing that this is a huge part of what makes up Dad. As I get older, I feel more like "I don't care who knows, it's who I am" but am I putting too much on my kids by telling? I know this is a long post, please forgive me for that, but also please help. I really need other perspectives here. My wife will go along with whatever I decide, I believe, so I will have her considerable support. SO, please help a sister decide what to do, I need your advice girls, Olivia.

[Julie]

Olivia you have a valid reason for wanting to out yourself to your two children in that you no longer want this side of you to remain a secret. You can only assume your son saw you laying on the bed a couple of years ago, there's no way you can be 100% certain.

Only yourself can make that final choice as to tell them as you know them better than anyone and I understand when you say that as you get older you don't care who knows, at the end of that sentence you question yourself as to if you're putting too much onto your kids so Olivia be very clear before deciding one way or the other.

JJ

[DonnaT]

I've been in the same frame of mind recently. My wife doesn't want me to though.

One reason to 'tell' is the fact that some day, hopefully in the long and distant future, you'll die, leaving all your things to be found by your children, or worse. If you tell them now, then they'll know what to expect when disposing of your belongings.

That's a good enough reason there, besides the one of wanting to no longer keep secrets. So there's two good reasons.

My wife asked me why, but the death issue wouldn't wash if she's still around to take care of my things. The main reason, I'm afraid to say, is more a selfish one. That is, I'm tired of having to dress drab simply because my son is around and my wife doesn't want him to know. I've had enough running and hiding as a kid when hiding it from my parents. And I'm getting a little slower nowadays, and may get caught anyways. Of course, then my wife will say I got caught on purpose. Ahhhhh! :D

[Sweet Susan]

Olivia, I could never tell any of my three sons. On the other hand, I wish I could. If you feel comfortable with it, and you are sure you could live with the lifelong repurcussions, etc. such as your son marrying and his wife not wanting their children around "such a man," then okay. You must remember that the more people who know will become the more people that know.

I, too, have intelligent, educated children. All of them very successful and with children of their own. Still, for me, it isn't a good idea. Good luck.

[Olivia]

Thanks Julie, Donna and Susan for your kind replies. I don't know for sure that I will come out but the urge to "come clean" is so strong. I ask myself, what could be so wrong in them knowing I'm a crossdresser? It's not like I'm a pedophile or a serial rapist or Jack the Ripper. I have been a crossdresser for as long as I've been their dad (even longer of course) and they just didn't know it. They are adults now and if we've done our job as parents, they should understand that knowing about me doesn't change how much I love them. Well, time will tell I guess. If I come out, I want us all to be together; I don't want to have to go through it twice, lol. I have to admit, the idea scares me. Why is that? Olivia

[Holly]

Hi Olivia,

I've been having a lot of the same thoughts you are having concerning telling my kids that I am a crossdresser. My son will turn 24 next month and is recently married. My daughter will turn 21 this summer. She's living with her boyfriend, but not married.

...if we've done our job as parents, they should understand that knowing about me doesn't change how much I love them.I believe this with all my heart. My choice of clothing has nothing to do with how or how much I love my kids! My kids are well adjusted, fully functioning adults. I need to trust them that they will do the right thing. It's good that your wife has agreed to abide by your decision, whatever that will be.

I have to admit, the idea scares me. Why is that?It's more than likely a fear that we as CD face everyday, rejection by those we care so deeply about. In this case, it's in direct conflict with with the faith we have put in the rearing of our children and their ability to do the "right thing." You, as I, will have to make the best judgement we can. All I know is that it would be such a relief to no longer have to hide this part of me from them. In fact, it may help them to understand me just a little better. Some may see this as selfish. Me, I see it as validating the value of honesty I worked so hard to instill in them during their formative years.

My heart is with you, dear sister. Please let me know how you are doing.

[sherri]

What will telling them do for them, or for your relationship with them? Just curious.

[kirsti]

Obviously you know your children better than anyone else other than perhapes your wife.
If your certain they are very open minded and mature adults themselves,then I see no reason why you shouldnt tell them if it is going to help you feel more comfortable.
The way I see it is that your children are adults now,and though you may at times try to give them advice so as long as you aren't telling them how to lead their own lives,then perhapes this side of you is a good start in actually letting them know whom you are for all those years.
Now if your children were not emancipated yet then I would say no wait until they became adults,but you may be surprised in the things that they are aware of,perhapes gradually and casually bringing up the subject of Crossdressing first to evaluate their responses that way youll have an idea of whether or not to proceed.
You could start a conversation of a white lie,(in essance this has actually taken place)about a co-worker that got caught at work dressed as a women.
Offer some sympathy about the worker citing it wasnt harmful to anyone else,and the co-worker was off the clock and was leaving work .
But either way It is good that your at least considering the ups and downs of your situation before just blurting it out.

[Aloha_Dana]

Olivia, you and only YOU can know what is the right thing to do. And you will also know when is the right time to do it. All we can do is share our experiences. Here are some questions to ask yourself, how liberal are you children? What are their positions on certain political issues such gay marriage and other sexual oriented issues? Also ask yourself, what do you want to come out from telling them? Set your goals. Develop milestones and you'll get there.

We know you'll do the right thing.

Aloha,
Dana

[Olivia]

Oh Holly, your reply brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for your support and your concern, especially. Bless you dear from the bottom of my heart. Thanks to you other girls too; Kirsti, thanks for your suggestions and Dana, I appreciate your confidence in me (gee, I wish I had more...). Sherri, I don't know what telling them would do for my kids, maybe they would value my honesty, maybe they would be disgusted? What it would do to our relationship is the question that holds me back dear. I think that's the scariest part. Thanks for asking those important questions. Damn, I feel so fortunate to have all you girls to "lean on". Please keep your advice for me coming, I appreciate it so much as I try to come to terms with what to do. Olivia

[Marianne]

I came out to all my kids last year.

From the top.

Stepdaughter, 34, married professional. She was cool with it and basically said "Wahtever floats yer boat.

Stepson, 30, married professional. No comments, but I still get party invites.

Stepson, 25, he said "whatever floats yer boat" and went on to say he woudl have preferred that I told him privately.

Daughter, 21, "cool, b.t.w., I'm gay!".

It was a big decision for me, but all the kids bascially accepted even if they didn't understand. Mostly they just want me to be happy in myself, since if I'm not happy it does impact them.

[Topaz]

Hi Olivia

My only suggestion would be to sound them out first and find out how they feel about cding in general. Out of 4 kids our oldest and youngest know about Jamie (my husband). Our oldest we told about Jamie when she told us she is bi. She totally accepted it and loves to go out and buy Jamie gifts.

The youngest we told when she said that she wanted to come and live with us instead of her mom. We told her because we weren't going to hide Jamie while she lived with us. She's also cool with it.

The other two we haven't had a chance to sound out to find out how they would react. We see them at family gatherings, (not the right time to bring the subject up) and we weren't the only parent's involved in raising them. So we wait for an opportunity to talk to them about their feelings on the subject. Right now we're working on building a stronger relationship with our middle children.

All I really know is that I will support Jamie when she decides to tell the other two children. And so far so good.

Hope it all goes well whatever you decide.

Topaz

[Olivia]

My daughter is coming home for a visit next weekend; the same weekend my wife and I had planned our little anniversary "lingerie shopping trip". We will probably postpone the trip a week as it's not that big a deal and I'd rather see my daughter. I do believe though that next weekend may be "the time" to tell! Oh, I'm so leaning towards doing it then. I think Holly's comment about validating the value of honesty we try to enstill in our children has impacted me the most. If either of my kids had a secret like mine, I would really want them to feel free to confide in me so why shouldn't I exhibit that same trust and confidence in their acceptance? Anyway, that's how I feel right now, friday night! Give me another week to fret over it, lol. I can already feel the butterflies...it may take a couple stiff shots of Absolut and then dive right in!! Wish me strength and courage sisters. Olivia
ps. both of these "kids" are very liberal about issues like this and both like to think they are socially-politically very sophisticated; hehe, well we'll see about that, won't we?! O

[Wendy me]

at you kids age and being out to your wife .you know them better so if you feel that thay can deal with it . i say go for it but think it out to be shure right after if it dosen't go well you can't say just kidding...out is out...........my wife knows but dosen't want to talk abought it like it might go away or something like that .....my youngest son now 22 i think at least has a idear........out in the open all around sounds real good mabey one day not right now for me........think it out frist....

good luck...........