Have You Lost Any Friends? (For All Genders)

[Dasein9]

I'm wondering whether folks here have lost friends over gender issues. I kind of got my feelings hurt a bit in the past couple of days, and am wondering what other people do or say when this sort of thing happens. Or maybe I'm the only one who has it happen. Or maybe it's because I'm obnoxious, and not because I'm gender-weird that people don't like me.

I think I'll go to the garden and eat some worms now.

[Kieron Andrew]

most of my friends from the lesbian community has disowned me for coming out trans

[Dasein9]

Damn! Most!?

That truly sucks.

[Kieron Andrew]

Damn! Most!?

That truly sucks.
yup....most of the friends i had were either, male gay, female gay or trans....when i came out the female gay friends i had havent spoke to me

[Dasein9]

I know this is a cliche, but I honestly think it's their loss in your case. You're so obviously one of the good guys that I would be suspicious of their taste and intelligence if they hadn't been your friends.


Edit: Did that say what I meant it to say?

[Kieron Andrew]

I know this is a cliche, but I honestly think it's their loss in your case. You're so obviously one of the good guys that I would be suspicious of their taste and intelligence if they hadn't been your friends.


Edit: Did that say what I meant it to say?
lol yes i got what you meant......im not to bothered by it to be honest.....i dont need friends that are gonna be funny with me just cos of my trans status id rather they did disown me :happy:

[Marcie Sexton]

I've been called a lot of names, that I'll not repeat all because of my tolerance towards gender/sexual equality...

But then again, I haven't lost a whole lot by their loss...

[Tristan]

I'm not out yet to a share of family and friends, but a year ago I came out to two pple that I've known almost ten years that have become almost like second parents to me. At first they reassured me there was nothing I could tell them that would make them change their feelings about me so I told them. A few emails and phone calls ensued that they were supportive and etc and they still loved me. I haven't heard a word from them since about a month after I told them which is about 10 or 11 months now. They do not answer my phone calls or reply to my emails, so I guess their silence has said in the end what they really thought. It was a tough blow, but I guess life must march forward.

[Nigella]

Friends no, they have stuck by me since coming out

Aquaintances and work collegues yes, not that I am bothered.:)

[Adam]

yes i lost all the freinds that lived near me but no worres because i have many more some i made after comeing out some before i came out my mini clubs thats car clubs one gruop was ok one wasent so i havent done to bad :D

[Abraxas]

No... All of my friends are really chilled-out, laid-back types. Nothing bothers them.
Only one of my friends, a gay guy, has any sort of problem with it. He's the only one who point-blank refuses to call me Ben or whatever, but then he's always been very... erm... unchangeable. He likes what he likes and he does what he does, and it doesn't really bother me cos I know he's kind of a b*tch and we love each other to bits anyway. He's got no problem with it, it's just his own comfort thing I guess.

[Joy Carter]

I lost my regular crowd I socialized with over two years ago. Did get Christmas cards from them. But it must be hard on them not knowing how to approach me. And I had to retire from my government career due to the harassment. So now the city pays me X amount of dollars an month due to their unwillingness to support me. Did meet a friend, ex partner from my former job last Saturday, and she gave me the biggest hug. She knows and we are still friends. But you know, I feel so good about who I am now. I just wish I could have shared it with my friends.:( /:D

[GypsyKaren]

Just about all of my "friends" headed for the exits when I came out, only a couple have stayed by me.

Karen

[KrazyKat]

Sometimes it's kind of cool to take inventory of what a friend really is to you!!

For all the "friends" that were in my little group, I've found out who and what a friend really is!!

I have to say, my "Newest" friends are people I can relate to, and trust more than ones I spent years "building" relationships with, for what?

Personal inventory, kind of relates to friendships?!:thumbsup:

What do you think?:2c:

[Wendy me]

Kat your right abought 2 years ago i got busted full Wendy mode by my next door nabior a true red neck , Friend and hunting Buddy ... he freaked at the time and walked away ... a few days latter he said that was weird ... and he did not need or want to know anything ... we hang out help each other out with things ... every now and then he throws a comment abought something but just joking around and has to this date never outed me ..
this is a true Friend .. and I have others that something like this would be the end of the world...

[Penny Dreadful GG]

Luckily, all my friends are pretty open-minded, so as far as I know, I haven't lost a single one.

Actually, pretty well everyone in my life knows about my partner, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I can't lie to save my life, and would not relish a life of sneaking around and making up excuses. Now, I don't have to! :happy:

I feel strongly enough about living and letting live, that while I wouldn't like it, I would be willing to sacrifice a friendship over this. I would hope it would never come to that, but sometimes there can be no middle ground. :sad:

I just have no room in my life for negativity, or for someone who would always be trying to drag me kicking and screaming back into the world of 'vanilla' (if that makes any sense...).

:hugs:

[Stlalice]

Its pretty much a given that when you start transition you are going to lose something or somebody. In some ways I've been luckier than most - my losses have been for the most part people that I was not all that close to. Of family and close friends I've not lost any - although some have confessed that they are having a "hard time getting their heads around the idea". Sometimes it just takes people a while to adjust. And yes - some never do. :2c:

[bi_weird]

*Hugs Das and smacks around whoever's been mean to him*


most of my friends from the lesbian community has disowned me for coming out trans
Kieron, can you explain this to me? Like, I've seen it myself, that lesbians tend to be more exclusive, that there is a tendency towards not accepting others. I know I've been told that if I want to date a lesbian (as a bi woman) that I prolly should consider hiding my straight half. Why does this sort of thing happen? (I mean this totally respectfully, as a request for information because I'm honestly just lost as to why this happens)
*realizes that she's going to be away from computers for a week after tonight*
Yeah if I don't reply, it's 'cause I won't be at a computer 'til next Saturday. Hopefully I'll remember to check back here, 'cause I'm curious as to your thoughts on this issue.

As for the question. I haven't lost any friends, but I'm only out to a few. I know of at least one who'd turn tail if I gave her the real reason why I wear boy clothes (I just tell most people that they're more comfortable...don't tell them WHY). I think it'd be hit and miss, but honestly where I am right now, leaving for grad school this fall, I don't care. I'm hiding things less, and if things come up they come up, and I'm willing to deal with the consequences.

[KrazyKat]

bi wierd, you do have a point about lesbians "feeling exclusive"(personal experience), but not anymore , IMHO, than any other "different than norm" groups of people. This seems to be a way for groups of people to feel more special?! Is this just a safety valve, or acting out, or what?(I'm thinking out loud)

And I only say this, as a person who has been a great actress in my life, social and working. I am a chameleon at fitting in to whatever group I find it convenient to portray at my time of life. :happy:

So, I've always wondered, why do I not just let it all hang out!! :thumbsup:

It's only now, with the support of such a community as this one, that I realize, I can be whoever the F**k I want to be!!

The friends I've lost, the ones that hurt the most, are the ones who I really thought were my bestest friends. :(

But when I push the issues I always said, from my heart, who I really am, they now have to face. Why? When I drop by their houses with my legallly bound partner in life, who is not presenting as documented on legal paperwork, uh, the gender as recorded, uh, what's the stupid problem?:straightface:
There is no problem, as far as I'm concerned, so,
WHO'S MY FRIEND?

EXACTLY!!:thumbsup:

[CaptLex]

I think it's too early to tell yet whether I will lose friends. Some of my friends are totally cool with it: want me to keep them updated on everything, cheer me on, etc. Some seem to be going through their own transition with it - they seem interested in my progress, but I can tell that it sometimes freaks them out. And there are two who seem to be on the way out - I just think they're incapable of accepting. They assure me otherwise, but their comments and actions speak volumes.

As for the lesbian thing . . . I hate to generalize (about any group) but, unfortunately, the reactions of the ones I've encountered so far don't encourage me. All I ever hear are negative and misguided comments. It's sad. :sad:

[Evert]

Well.. not yet at least. :straightface:

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

A real "true" friend wouldnt even blink - an -eye, because they accpeted you for "YOU" not what you have become. & friends arent about "approving" of what you do/whom you are, they will support you no matter what, when push comes to shove !! as long as you were happy, & safe , thats the main thing.
Besides :D you all got a shed-load of friends on here :thumbsup: :D

[ZenFrost]

I've been hesitant about coming out because most of my friends seem to view me as a potential romantic interest and are also slightly homophobic. I think they'd be a little too weirded out if I were to just tell them that I was a guy. But I'm also kinda surprised they didn't notice anything yet.

[kerrianna]

A real "true" friend wouldnt even blink - an -eye, because they accpeted you for "YOU" not what you have become. & friends arent about "approving" of what you do/whom you are, they will support you no matter what, when push comes to shove !! as long as you were happy, & safe , thats the main thing.
Besides :D you all got a shed-load of friends on here :thumbsup: :D

:iagree: :hugs:

I have a pretty high standard of what I call a friend. I know that when the chips are down they are there for me. That's when I know they are friends, and sometimes I've been amazed to find out who truly is a friend...and sadly, who isn't.

[John]

I'm counting myself lucky at the mo. The, oh, all of ONE friend I told, said that if I'm realy serious about all of this, and transitioning, she'll hit me with a stick every time I try to chicken out. I figure that's her way of saying I have her support... I think...

btw, love the avitar, Kerrianna.

[Sheila]

two of our friends know about Claire .......... no negative reaction in fact one of them lent us their car last Fri to dash to Scotland unexpectedly, arranged car insurance for us........... won't accept a penny from us or owt else........... the other lent us their sat nav .......... Friends you know who they are when the chips are down..... but there again I choose to tell them in the full knowledge that they would be there for us whatever .......


I have a pretty high standard of what I call a friend. I know that when the chips are down they are there for me. That's when I know they are friends, and sometimes I've been amazed to find out who truly is a friend...and sadly, who isn't.

gotta say that sums it up for me and I/we are so proud of the friends we have

[pocoyo]

I'm wondering whether folks here have lost friends over gender issues. I kind of got my feelings hurt a bit in the past couple of days, and am wondering what other people do or say when this sort of thing happens. Or maybe I'm the only one who has it happen. Or maybe it's because I'm obnoxious, and not because I'm gender-weird that people don't like me.

I think I'll go to the garden and eat some worms now.

Aww Das :( I'm sad you got your feelings hurt poor thing. :hugs:
How could they bear to be hurtful to you? You're so nice. Grrrr.

Hmm. Have I lost friends because of my TGness....
well the answer is probably yes. Although a lot of it is through my choice, I have cut people off a little bit because I didn't feel comfortable interacting with them (even though I still consider them my friends).
It's a bit confusing though, because it's also linked in with my illnessy thing.
For ages I couldn't STAND seeing people because having visitors would quite literally throw my balance/orientation off and make me feel rotten.
But even though I am cool with having guests now I still avoid it, because I don't enjoy very much being around people I don't feel comfortable with, who don't "get" me.
My gender stuff is why I don't enjoy having a boyfriend anymore, and why when I do have one I won't do anything more than kissing.

As for those who decided to stop being friends with me 'cos of it. Well I had a very nice best friend about 2 or 3 years ago who I was actually a boy with. He let me dress as and act like a boy and was just my lovely best mate. We did all sorts of fun things together, always having adventures.
One of his parents tried to push me to go out with him, but I didn't like him in "that way" (although he did have a very lovely podgy belly!) I just saw him as my lovely best mate. Anyway one day I asked him if he fancied me... and he said "I don't know..."
Then one day months later, he just... suddenly... stopped... being... my friend... for NO REASON whatsoever.
A few mutual friends have said that perhaps it was because he fancied me.
I have no idea what it was. But perhaps he DID fancy me, but was confused because I was a boy and he isn't gay (even though sometimes he really seemed it... in a really cool way).

I spoke to him on the phone once because he called where I work to speak to someone else... I tried to strike up a nice conversation and told him I'd been looking at some great old pics of us... trying to tell him that I missed him, but he just said "Yes, some very dodgy old photos... is [workmate] there please?" like he didn't care/was some sort of stranger :(. And I saw him in a shop once and I felt so sad and sick. I don't think he saw me but I heard his voice and saw him and really missed him.
He was SO lovely and nice, and now... just isn't and I don't hear from him. I don't get it.
Apparently he has randomly dumped friends for no reason before though. So hopefully it's not personal.

Also I have another friend who I came out to him and another last year (you may remember the post). He wasn't horrible to me about it...(was mainly quite nice) but he wasn't too keen on the idea. He hasn't been in very much contact since. I do often wonder if it's to do with the fact he knows about my TGness now.
But the thing is, it suits me, because even though I think he is such a great guy, he is one of the people I don't feel comfortable around, because I know he sees me very much as a girl.

[happyfish]

Wow. Poc, mate, that sucks. :hugs:
Like I mentioned in the family thread, I'm not necessarily 'out' so it's kind of hard for me to lose friends because of it. I'm not exactly 'in' the closet or whatever metaphorical thing I'm supposed to be hiding in either, but I'm sure most people just label me off as a tomboy or lazy un-stylish person. Most of my friends are pretty cool, so I probably won't lose any if I come out.

[MJ]

I've been called a lot of names, that I'll not repeat all because of my tolerance towards gender/sexual equality...

But then again, I haven't lost a whole lot by their loss...

i am with Marcie , and i lost a whole church group when they found out. too bad there loss..
And i found another church group that accepts mj 100% ..so true friends are with you no matter what !!!
hugs

[jsoto81]

so far i've lost my girlfriend, well now my ex, and I might have lost her as a friend because of this. But if she can't accept me the way I am then I don't want her anyway.

Be sides my mom and maybe my brother she was the only one who knew.

[Dasein9]

Good answers, all. Thanks for sharing.

I think I've decided this: I can't lose friends over being trans. It's just an impossibility, because anyone who'd dump me as a friend because of that isn't really a friend.

Even better, I've gained new friends because of it. You guys, of course, and the group here in New York. I think that's worth it.

It seems petty when I type it out, but I'd had my feelings hurt because there was an Oscars party that some people from school had. I was in the room while a couple of them kept me from seeing any information about it. I'm pretty sure they thought they were being subtle, but they really weren't. (I don't pick up subtlety easily, so if I got it, it wasn't subtle.) And, not surprisingly, someone else mentioned it to me, asking if I'd be there. He looked embarassed and angry when I told him I hadn't been invited. (Funny thing -- he was angry on my behalf, and he's one of the staunchest Catholics in our programme.) Anyway, I used to get invited to parties with this group, but that's almost entirely stopped since I came out. Even when the parties are in my own building. The next day, I saw the same people who'd been hiding the information from me at a restaurant. Of course, courtesy demanded that they invite me to join them. And of course, courtesy demanded I accept. So the three of us had a meal together when none of us really wanted to. Naturally, not a word about the party was mentioned.

But tonight... I went to the support group I go to, after having missed 2 weeks in a row. We go to a bar after. People just wouldn't stop hugging me and telling me how much they'd missed seeing me. A lot of us have things in common besides being trans, but even if we don't, we talk about books and music and stuff, so we make commonalities beyond the trans thing.

Overall, I think it's worth it to lose fair-weather friends if it means gaining real ones. I went through this when I got divorced, and now it's happening again, but it does seem to be a good thing in the long run.

Oi. I've got to be up in 5 hours to give an exam. Better go to bed, but wanted to share with y'all first. Thanks for being here.