Had my 1st session with new nice counselly lady :D

[pocoyo]

It went really well, she's so cool :D
Can't wait for our next session already :eek:

Thanks so much Kieron for telling me about her, you totally rock dude!

[Holly]

Details, dude! Details!

[Kieron Andrew]

It went really well, she's so cool :D
Can't wait for our next session already :eek:

Thanks so much Kieron for telling me about her, you totally rock dude!
YAY!!!!....im totally made up for you Poc....hopefully she will get some things resolved for you :hugs: and you will feel alot happier in yourself

[Kieron Andrew]

Details, dude! Details!
yeah what Holly said...we want details.....someone might be reading this and wanting to go to talk to someone but might be scared as you were

[pocoyo]

Hehe!!

Oh, well... lemme get a drink then I'll tell you about it... *wanders off*....

*comes back with hot chocolate*....

Well basically we went over the basic introductory admin stuff, and she told me some stuff about how she operates etc.

The actual talking was really interesting , it was so nice to be able to talk to someone in real life about these things. Someone unbiased I mean, not like a friend or family member who might resist all thoughts of me actually transitioning at all costs.. you know what I mean.

She made a point of saying that she is not here to push me one way or the other, but to listen and play devil's advocate.

She also said I apologise for myself way too much, which is like a lack of confidence thing, and that's something we are going to look at later on.

She was really open and friendly and unbiased, unprejudiced. The kind of person that you can talk about anything to and not feel too shy.

It was good talking about gender issues. Ahhh.
It made my eyes well up when she said she could refer to me as my male name and I would just be a boy/man to her (if I want).

There's so much I want to talk to her about and get off my chest and work through with her. I could have talked to her for 3 hours haha!!

To anyone reading that might be a bit nervous, like Kieron said... well I would say that if you get a good counsellor it is definitely worth making that 1st step... even if it's scary. It is good for you to know there are people out there that can help support you :happy:

[Kieron Andrew]

*goes and gets a hot choccy just cos pocs got one*:D

........sits and reads......

cool!!!! im glad you are gonna work through stuff :).....

so are you gonna let her call you your male name???

you so gotta keep us informed with how things are going!!.....hey this can be like pocs Transitional Diaries or something lol

[pocoyo]

Haha! Mmmm hot choccy break.

Well.. I think so yeah. I mean, obviously I don't want to be pushing myself to act more male or more female... but I could hardly ask her to call me pocoyo now could I? :heehee: (although for a funny moment I did consider it ha ha!)
And my female name didn't feel right in that context (I often feel odd/awkward with it in general actually) so... and she put my male initial down in her little book. *little grin to self*

Hehe! Ok I will keep you informed.... lol pocs transitional diaries... getting a bit ahead of ourselves there aren't we? :heehee:

I almost felt like saying "Transitional diary....I WISH then!" but obviously that wouldn't be sensible. You know me... check, check, then re-check again... haha! Besides... I might just be *chokes*....female... yet... or learn to live as a boy with a female body... or be some sort of boy/girl hybrid... or whatever. The possibilities...! Ehem!

Eh... perhaps I'm just a tomboy, who knows?!

Kieron: "yes pocoyo, we know you're confused... hence the counselling mate" :rolleyes:

hehe!

I forgot to say that we also talked about stuff like sexuality and touched on hormones and how I feel about my body and stuff.
Also about my hair and "The Experiment" haha!

[Kieron Andrew]

Haha! Mmmm hot choccy break.

Well.. I think so yeah. I mean, obviously I don't want to be pushing myself to act more male or more female... but I could hardly ask her to call me pocoyo now could I? :heehee: (although for a funny moment I did consider it ha ha!)
And my female name didn't feel right in that context (I often feel odd/awkward with it in general actually) so... and she put my male initial down in her little book. *little grin to self*

Hehe! Ok I will keep you informed.... lol pocs transitional diaries... getting a bit ahead of ourselves there aren't we? :heehee:

I almost felt like saying "Transitional diary....I WISH then!" but obviously that wouldn't be sensible. You know me... check, check, then re-check again... haha! Besides... I might just be *chokes*....female... yet... or learn to live as a boy with a female body... or be some sort of boy/girl hybrid... or whatever. The possibilities...! Ehem!

Eh... perhaps I'm just a tomboy, who knows?!

Kieron: "yes pocoyo, we know you're confused... hence the counselling mate" :rolleyes:

hehe!

I forgot to say that we also talked about stuff like sexuality and touched on hormones and how I feel about my body and stuff.
Also about my hair and "The Experiment" haha!
hey!! life is one BIG transition!!!

OOOOH!! what did she say about the hair and the experiment???

god im nosey!! tell me to shut up if i get too much!

[pocoyo]

hey!! life is one BIG transition!!!

OOOOH!! what did she say about the hair and the experiment???

Ahhh yes! Good point... I like your way of thinking sir ;)

Oh well she was like "Erm.. if you want your hair cut, why don't you get it cut?"
haha... and I explained about how yes it is for my mum & family... but that it really is also for me that I am growing it. To see how it feels and stuff. OOH I just remembered one really big reason I'm growing it which I'd forgotten about! I will have to tell her that next time.

I didn't really get to explain properly about the experiment yet, and how I wear make up & try and be girly sometimes at the moment. She found it interesting how I present as male at work most of the time and wear a male name on my badge though.

She said that she bets when I have girly make up and hair I counteract it with really male clothes...
I was like "um... yes..." hehe

[Evert]

Pocopocopocopoco!!! :D Wonderful mate!!

I want someone like her!! :eek: Gimme gimme gimme...

Kieron and Pocs.. are you guys slowchatiing or what? :p

(Yeah I know, to much coffee. HYPERHYPERHYPER!)

[Kieron Andrew]

Kieron and Pocs.. are you guys slowchatiing or what? :p
are we what???:heehee:

[Evert]

are we what???:heehee:

Slowchatting! Or am I saying something to Dutch? :heehee:

[Kieron Andrew]

Slowchatting! Or am I saying something to Dutch? :heehee:
oh come on explain will ya....my brain is dead today lol

[pocoyo]

Pocopocopocopoco!!! :D Wonderful mate!!

I want someone like her!! :eek: Gimme gimme gimme...

Kieron and Pocs.. are you guys slowchatiing or what? :p

(Yeah I know, to much coffee. HYPERHYPERHYPER!)

EVERTEveryeverteverteeeff!

It's so cool to see u on buddio!

Awww I hope you do get a lovely counsellor soon :D
LOL coffee-boy! Don't have a caffiene OD!
Haha slowchatiing?

[Kieron Andrew]

Haha slowchatiing?see!!! Poc is even questioning it!:tongueout

[pocoyo]

YAY!!!!....im totally made up for you Poc....hopefully she will get some things resolved for you :hugs: and you will feel alot happier in yourself

Btw Kieron I forgot to saw aww thank you very much, for that ^ and give you this :hugs:

Evert... are you saying we're just having a conversation on this thread? hehe :heehee:

[Evert]

lol its a word we use on the Dutch boards and means the messages are posted that quick it's almost like a chatbox. Slowchatting! :D

(Coffeeeeeeeee! Cafeine! I'm such a junkie.. :p)

[pocoyo]

Aahhh makes sense!! I get it.

It would be fun if sometimes we chatted live in a chatroom as well as forums!
(I do love forums though).

Haha, don't ever get me on caffiene.. once at college they were giving out free coffee... and I couldn't stop laughing for the whole of the next lesson... even in really inappropriate moments hahaha I'm laughing even now just thinking about it!

[Kieron Andrew]

Haha, don't ever get me on caffiene.. once at college they were giving out free coffee... and I couldn't stop laughing for the whole of the next lesson... even in really inappropriate moments hahaha I'm laughing even now just thinking about it!
goofball!:tongueout :rolleyes:

[Evert]

Aahhh makes sense!! I get it.

It would be fun if sometimes we chatted live in a chatroom as well as forums!
(I do love forums though).



1) We got one, didn't we? :eek:

2) We can make one... :heehee:

[pocoyo]

Hahaha Kieron!

Evert... whu wha? I know there's some sort of chat room that's not actually part of this site, somewhere or something.

Cool.. off you go then... go build us a cd.com chat room, there's a good fellow... *looks at watch*... I expect it to be finished by dinner! haha!

[Evert]

Hahaha Kieron!

Evert... whu wha? I know there's some sort of chat room that's not actually part of this site, somewhere or something.

Cool.. off you go then... go build us a cd.com chat room, there's a good fellow... *looks at watch*... I expect it to be finished by dinner! haha!

Join the room! (http://www.chatzy.com/881085562586)

See I can do that much much quicker. :heehee:

Password is Evert :tongueout

[Kieron Andrew]

Join the room! (http://www.chatzy.com/881085562586)

See I can do that much much quicker. :heehee:

Password is Evert :tongueout
ive created one as well ive posted it in the boys clubhouse same chat server lol

[CaptLex]

Congrats, dude! Drinks all around :cheers:

Sounds like you covered a lot during that one session - how long was it? Maybe you should show her pics of boy pocs and girl pocs so she can see just how different you are. I'm glad you felt comfortable enough to talk openly for so long - that's very important. I'm also glad she can be so objective and nonjudgmental. Sounds like you found a winner - extra drinks for Kieron.

Evert, I hope you find a good counselor too. And pass some of that coffee over here. :heehee:

Keep us posted, Poc. :happy:

[pocoyo]

omg what are you 2 like?! Super-speedy or WHAT?! *grins*
I'm in Evert's room at moment.

Cap - it was an hour long.
Yeah that's a good idea to show the pictures.. and maybe even video.
She did see one picture of me girly. Oi anyway... I'm not that different... I hope... it's just me scrubbed up! With straightened hair and make up or whatever! Same person....

I think...
I hope....
Well parts of the same person at least.

Hmm.. it's something I will discuss with her anyway, definitely.

Yeah she really does seem nonjudgemental. She is gay so that makes me feel really comfortable for some reason.

I will keep you posted! Thanks El Capitano!

Woo :cheers:!

[Kimberley]

Okay :2c: while I flit in and out. I know it's female thing. Call me flighty.

Anyway Pocs, I am so glad the first session went well. It is usually just a getting to know you thing and gives you an idea if there is any chemistry with you and the counsellor. (I've met a couple I didnt like and dropped pretty quickly.)

Evert. Caffeine? We have this coffee shop chain here called Tim Hortons. Anyway they have 30 million Canadians hooked.... and it is moving into the US. Poor Starbucks... Anyway, I am on my .... oh never mind.... let's just say my eyes have finally popped open ...open.... open.....op...

:hugs: Kimberley

Oooops.... Hi Kieron *singing sweetly* I didnt mean to ignore you hon. :D

[pocoyo]

Okay :2c: while I flit in and out. I know it's female thing. Call me flighty.
You're so flighty :p


Anyway Pocs, I am so glad the first session went well. It is usually just a getting to know you thing and gives you an idea if there is any chemistry with you and the counsellor. (I've met a couple I didnt like and dropped pretty quickly.)
Awww thank you! I am so glad she's a nice one...
I found her most personable! I think she will be good to "work with" :happy:


*singing sweetly*
What are you? Some kind of siren? :p

[Adam]

cool im glad it went well :D

[Dasein9]

*strumpet blast!*

Poc the Brave strikes again!

Good for you, Poc. I'm glad it went well and you're comfortable there. :D

[dancinginthedark]

Hip-hip hoo-ray!! :worship:

Well done Poco for finding someone to help you along the way, then going in and opening up. Good for you. :hugs:
First step is one of the hardest babe. Still some bumps along the way but thinking it'll get better from here on out because you have made this decision [to get counseling].

dancin

[Kimberley]

...What are you? Some kind of siren? :p

:lol:

Oh I dont know. Siren, muse... :tongueout Now take those earplugs out young man....:devil:

:hugs:

[GACountrygal]

heya Poc,
So happy to hear you had a great time with the counselor. It was good to hear that you were comfortable talkin with her. Thats the utmost importance, BEING COMFORTABLE, otherwise, its a waste of time. I hope you get a lot out of it, and are able to figure things out better for yourself through all this!
Life is such a wonderful journey, no matter which road you take, and you will always learn new things about yourself. I know I am!
Take care and CONGRATS!!!
I'm so happy for you!!!
Nic

[Felix]

Hi Poc well done dude it sounds like ya had a good session and that's what counts :hugs: :hugs: xx Felix :hugs:

[RevMoonSerpent]

I'm glad everything went well for you Poc's. I know how scary it can be the first time you meet with a psychologist. I'm just happy that things turned out in the positive for you. :D

[Tristan]

So glad the appointment went so well for you, Poco. *Does a happy dance and few flips just for you* Hopefully talking things over outloud will help you sort out your confusions.

[CaptLex]

Too bad Bi is on vacation 'cause that means we get no celebratory brownies. :sad: We'll have to settle for cookies.

One more nosy question: will you be seeing her weekly from now on, Poc?

[happyfish]

Are cupcakes (http://chicagocupcakes.com/images/maincupcake.jpg) a good substitute for brownies? :D
I'm glad it went well, Poc. Hope you enjoy the cupcakes. :hugs: :love:

[CaptLex]

Are cupcakes (http://chicagocupcakes.com/images/maincupcake.jpg) a good substitute for brownies? :D
I'm glad it went well, Poc. Hope you enjoy the cupcakes. :hugs: :love:

Woo-hoo! Chocolate (or pocolate) cupcake! :D Thanks, happyfish. Poccy, come and get yours before they're gone!

[Laurie909]

Good one on the session with your counselor. I have been going to counselors (and you can read that as being any kind of counselors) for years. There are good ones and bad ones. Sound like you got a good one. I know what you mean when you said you could have talked for 3 hours, but don't try to get everything in in one session. After all, good counseling may take years!

[Abraxas]

That's fantastic, mate! I'm glad you're comfortable and have found someone who you can talk to. :D

[pocoyo]

Kimb - :heehee: why, do you want to charm me? .... :D

CountryGal - thank you so much, that's really lovely *hug*

Felix - thanks sweet Felix!! *hug hug hug*

LMS - aawww thanks, yeah I was a bit nervous beforehand! :hugs:

Tristan - yay! *does some dances & flips too* *grin* Thank you cool dude.

Cap - Oh nooo, I loove brownies... hurry home Bi! Well I can't really afford to see her face to face weekly, so will be having some phone sessions with her (weekly at the moment) and then after like 2 phone sessions we'll have another face to face, or whatever... we will see how it works out.

Thanks HappyFish! - mmmm always pleased to have a cupcake :p :love:
Hehe I'm here cap... munching on a lovely cupcake!

Laurie - ahh good advice. Thank you very much!!

Abraxas - awww thanks buddio :hugs:



Thank you so much for all your sweetness people!
Wow... lucky pocs having such kind supportive caring friends!

:bighug:

[Kate Simmons]

The thing is Poc is that you totally run the show. The therapist is just a sounding board. It is interesting how sessions go, though. The point is you make all the decisions.:happy:

[pocoyo]

Sounds good to me Sal :happy:

[kerrianna]

:hugs: :love: Yay you Pocs!

I'm glad it went well and you like her. I think it will really help you to have, as you say, someone who isn't friend nor family, and who can help you sort out the different pieces. You're a pretty complex person, very creative, smart and imaginative, and I think the counselor will be helpful straightening out all the tangly bits you weave into your tapestry. :happy:

Sometimes having someone who is a professional helps validate things your friends may have told you :whistling: things you might think they tell you just to be nice.

So did you make another appointment already then?

[Casey Morgan]

Poc, I can't tell you how happy I am that your session went so great! (Wait, that sounds kind of stupid, doesn't it? I can tell you that I can't tell you, but I can't tell you what I can tell you I can't tell you. Ummm... *deep breath*) I'm so happy for you that I can't express it properly! (No, that's just lame. Hmmm. Ah, Ive got it.) :bighug:


She also said I apologise for myself way too much, which is like a lack of confidence thing, and that's something we are going to look at later on.

I know you're seeing her for gender issues. But from what I know of you, I know where you're coming from. (Did she say it was "like" a lack of confidence thing, or was she a little more definite and you're playing it down a little?) When you start working on this, you'll find the world opening up in ways you never thought possible before. Not doing things because "it's too much trouble" or "I'm just not comfortable" starts to turn into "yeah, maybe" and "*gulp* what the heck". Oh man, when you start to see those possibilities, let's just say "profound" really enters your vocabulary. It just feels so darned GOOD to see yourself in a new light. My wish for you is you can start to see those possibilities.

[Di]

Glad things went well !!!!It was good to hear that you were comfortable talking with her. Thats is most important......doing happy dance:twirl:

[pocoyo]

Kerrianna - awww thank you. Hehe tangly bits... :p
Yeah I have a phone appt with her next week. I wonder how that will go, it will be strange not being face to face! Might be cool though. At least I have someone (professional) to talk to about it now!! Yaay!
And hey, I always appreciate my friends' input!! But you're right, I do sometimes wonder if they are just being nice. :heehee:

Casey - thank you!! hahaha, you sound like me, I get all word-fumbly sometimes.
Ahaaha, well I dunno, I THINK that's what she said but I wasn't totally sure those were the precise words, but I think they were. (That's why I threw in the "like" hehe.)
Ahhh being free to do stuff which I feel limited from sounds goood. :happy:

Thank you! *grin*

Di gg - hehe!! Thank you very much :D *does a happy dance too* :hugs:


Thanks everyone, you groovy people you! :love:
:bighug:

[Kate Simmons]

When you find you are doing things that you choose to do, Poc, I guarantee you will be much happier. It's so much easier just being yourself and when folks see that you stick up for that, they will respect you for it when they see your determination.:happy:

[bi_weird]

YAY POC! *HUG* *Hands out brownies* better late than never, eh?
Btw, Kimberly, we had a Tim Hortons here in A2, but it MOVED OUT! I'm so sad! That was the best cheap mocha in town too... :-(
Poc, I had an odd dream about you the other night, but no type to type it - dinner with exboy in a couple. Remind me about it and I'll tell ya another time. But I'm super glad for you that you have an awesome counsellor!

[kerrianna]

Poc, I had an odd dream about you the other night, but no type to type it - dinner with exboy in a couple. Remind me about it and I'll tell ya another time. But I'm super glad for you that you have an awesome counsellor!

:D *kerrianna bends her ears to eavesdrop on the dream description*
:p

[bi_weird]

YAY I think I've caught up on everything I've missed. Of course, it's nearly midnight and I still have a whole lab report to write, and I'm on here instead of writing it. Ah well, there's always coffee. Anyway dream. (I have strangley realistic dreams sometimes, so real that part of me believes they happened (which is awkward when your dream was making out with your best friend's boyfriend) and they always leave me needing to share them with the people involved, I think in part so that I'll confirm it wasn't real (making the best friend's boyfriend bit even more awkward) so yes).
I was at this LGBT get together party thing. Actually, really it was just Ls and Gs, and not really the nice sort. The exclusive "straights are breeders" doesn't really like anyone not totally homosexual sort. Well I was presenting as totally andro and definitely as a bi, and so getting shunned or teased by pretty much everyone there. I went to the bathroom 'cause I was about to cry, and ended up sitting in one of the stalls crying. Poc came in and told me to come out of the stall. He gave me a big hug and told me that everyone else was stupid and to ignore them. I thanked him and said something like "I know you really hate having to use the ladies room, but I'm really glad you did, 'cause I really needed a boy hug." (Anyone who knows me in person knows that I'm a sucker for hugs and love boy hugs way more than girl hugs). SO yes, that was my utterly random Poc dream.
In other news, I'm really wishing I was in boy clothes. I'm not necessarily girl right now, but suddenly I want a tie and boxers. Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow. Alright one more post and then on to my lab report.

[CaptLex]

Awww . . . what a cool dream, Bi. Sounds like one of mine, except I think mine are weirder and it would probably have involved a crazy cast of characters (and birds). :heehee:

[kerrianna]

Awww, Bi that dream made me cry a bit cuz I know that's just what Poc would do and I'm glad you know him too. :hugs:

[marie354]

hey!! life is one BIG transition!!!


You put it into one sentence!

You really are a gifted man!

[pocoyo]

Awww I really like that dream Bi!
Not that you were sad (that sucks) but that I comforted you... and that on some level you see me as a huggable person yay! So here's one now :hugs:
(I would very much like to be a nice kind boy that helps people out by hugging them, so thank you for seeing me like that in your dream!)
Awww Kerrianna!

******************

Update:

Well I just spoke to my counsellor on the phone and it was pretty durn cool for the most part.
But for some reason I am now feeling a bit funny.

Of course the fact that I was up chatting so late last night (& over-tired in general) is probably not helping my mood haha!

I'm sort of feeling a bit shakey as to my whole transness... am I/aren't I... and my reasons, and who I am. (Both to myself and to the world).
But I know that after counselling sessions you often can feel weird. (I've had that before when I was having counselling... sometimes you feel wonderful afterwards, sometimes you feel tired, sometimes you feel confused, sometimes you feel sad & thoughtful etc etc).

But hey.. I'm still smilin' :D

:yawn:

[pocoyo]

I think I missed out saying thank you to Das, Adam and Dancin' the other day. Which is really annoying.. sorry!!

Your posts really really made me smile and I loved what you said and the support.

Hehe *strumpet blast*

So... thank you!!

[Adam]

lol poc you made me laugh there :heehee:

[CaptLex]

But I know that after counselling sessions you often can feel weird. (I've had that before when I was having counselling... sometimes you feel wonderful afterwards, sometimes you feel tired, sometimes you feel confused, sometimes you feel sad & thoughtful etc etc).

But hey.. I'm still smilin' :D

:yawn:
Yeah, I was just going to say that, but you already know it, so that's cool. Some sessions can leave you walking on air, and others can leave you feeling like you're dragging a heavy weight. I usually feel kind of down after a session that has made me think about and/or acknowledge something I don't really want to talk about, but after a few days I can see why I should. Hope the next one is better. :hugs: Glad you're still smiling.

[kerrianna]

:hugs: I really needed you guys today although you might not know it.

TY dudes. :love:

This counselling stuff is new to me. I felt REALLY discombubulated. (haha what a cool word!)

Nice to have company on this journey.....:hugs: :love:

[pocoyo]

Awww Kez :hugs: Btw one of my best friends uses that word a lot and got me using it hehe... strangely enough he lives in Canada now...
Discombobulated Canadians all over the place!

-------------

Session 3 (2nd phone session)

Had session 3 today.. here are a few thoughts on it:

I love the way my counsellor sort of... doesn't let me get away with worrying almost.
It's like...
I will warble on about something .. (you know.. my usual analytical, questioning stuff)... and she will say "You question yourself a lot don't you?" or "You don't have much faith in yourself do you?"

She is so sort of... calm and... sensible (I don't mean boring sensible, just.. to the point). I love it.

I am seeing her face to face again next week. I am looking forward to it.

She made me chuckle a few times today too.

[Laurie909]

I love the way my counsellor sort of... doesn't let me get away with worrying almost.

Welcome to the world of counseling. The counsellor always likes to answer your question with a question. That's the way of the world. Another thing they like to do is repeat back what you said "questioningly.' For instance, if you say "I'm feeling sad today." They'll say, "You're feeling sad?"

[pocoyo]

Hehehe! I like it.

I have had counselling before by the way (ack my fair share of them actually...and not all successful).
But they haven't been for mainly gender stuff, like this lady is. (I did talk about gender stuff with the last 2 though). I really like how this lady works, and her knowledge of gender issues.

[CaptLex]

Glad it went well - she made you think and she made you chuckle. Sounds like a good session to me. :happy:

[pocoyo]

Thanks lovely Lex :happy:

*****

Well... had 4th session today (2nd faceto face).

It was very interesting and I really like the systematic & controlled way she works.

Today we started working through some other stuff (not really gender stuff).

I am feeling a little shell-shocked though, because I didn't realise I felt so deeply about certain things.... curious....

I feel somewhat apprehensive... incase we are opening up a can of worms... but I suspect that actually... we will be working through some stuff... and though it may be hard work... will ultimately leave me feeling much better, balanced & more peaceful about certain things once we've worked through them.

I have to admit I AM worried though, that it could just make me more "messed up"/worried. That's probably just fear talking though.

She also left me some cool books to have a look through :happy:
A couple are about gender stuff. So that will be interesting.

[kerrianna]

It was very interesting and I really like the systematic & controlled way she works.

Today we started working through some other stuff (not really gender stuff).

I am feeling a little shell-shocked though, because I didn't realise I felt so deeply about certain things.... curious....

I feel somewhat apprehensive... incase we are opening up a can of worms... but I suspect that actually... we will be working through some stuff... and though it may be hard work... will ultimately leave me feeling much better, balanced & more peaceful about certain things once we've worked through them.

I have to admit I AM worried though, that it could just make me more "messed up"/worried. That's probably just fear talking though.



:hugs: :love: way to go dude. I know what you mean about feeling shell-shocked. The thing is if we don't examine what's bubbling underneath we live our lives shell shocked, sometimes without even knowing it.

Nothing wrong with a can of worms. Just stir fry them with a bit of curry or something. :heehee:

It sounds like you have a skilled counsellor - I'm sure she won't leave you feeling more messed up and worried. The main thing is YOU'RE willing to do the work. I think that's the key to successful change. Keep on rockin' dude! :hugs:

[CaptLex]

I have to admit I AM worried though, that it could just make me more "messed up"/worried. That's probably just fear talking though.
Nah . . . but it may seem like that initially. Opening up that proverbial can of worms was kind of hard for me 'cause it's a mess everywhere when those worms come out, but it's better than keeping them cooped up to begin with. It may seems messy at first, but it's better to get those things out.


She also left me some cool books to have a look through :happy: A couple are about gender stuff. So that will be interesting.
Dude . . . she gave you homework? :eek:

[pocoyo]

:hugs: :love: way to go dude. I know what you mean about feeling shell-shocked. The thing is if we don't examine what's bubbling underneath we live our lives shell shocked, sometimes without even knowing it.
Durn good point Kerriberrigymkhana.


Nothing wrong with a can of worms. Just stir fry them with a bit of curry or something. :heehee:
Hehehe mmm tasty.... :eek:


It sounds like you have a skilled counsellor -
You know... I really think so... I was thinking that when I was talking to her....


I'm sure she won't leave you feeling more messed up and worried. The main thing is YOU'RE willing to do the work. I think that's the key to successful change. Keep on rockin' dude! :hugs:

AWw thank you Kez :hugs:


Nah . . . but it may seem like that initially. Opening up that proverbial can of worms was kind of hard for me 'cause it's a mess everywhere when those worms come out, but it's better than keeping them cooped up to begin with. It may seems messy at first, but it's better to get those things out.
Thank you :hugs: Hope so!! Glad you have/are sorting your worms!
Er... you know what I mean haha! I don't mean Cap has worms :o


Dude . . . she gave you homework? :eek:
Haha!! Yes! Not the 1st time she has either... :D

[kerrianna]

Dude . . . she gave you homework? :eek:

I got homework last time too. Watch me do it the night before my next appointment. :p

You going to be a good boy and do your homework on time Pocs, or be like me and wait until the last minute, panicking and doing a half-assed job? :heehee:

[pocoyo]

I got homework last time too. Watch me do it the night before my next appointment. :p

You going to be a good boy and do your homework on time Pocs, or be like me and wait until the last minute, panicking and doing a half-assed job? :heehee:

Hello Kerriwiddle (hahaha don't hit me).

Well I have to admit I'm usually the last minute type with that sort of thing too... :o
But this I am pretty interested in (the gender bits) so I will be peeking at those books later today even I reckons!

[pocoyo]

... my counsellor is so cool!! :cool: :GD:

We worked through some stuff today and it was really cool seeing how it was all linked and that.

Seriously... I have never had a counsellor that works so well and understands so much and makes me feel so calm about it all.

She is so nice and so excellent :D

I am sooo glad to have her.
(Thank you Kieron *hug*)

[Kieron Andrew]

(Thank you Kieron *hug*)
another good session i take it???? do tell us about it if you can!!....btw you're very welcome!

[pocoyo]

:c9: :hugs:

Yes... she is seriously amazing.
She is so... I dunno how to put it... brainy?!... about how people work and stuff, even though she's really young.
Her ideas and systematic way of working are just... quality!

I wish I had the right words to explain what I mean, but I'm a bit dippy still lol!

[Kieron Andrew]

:c9: :hugs:

Yes... she is seriously amazing.
She is so... I dunno how to put it... brainy?!... about how people work and stuff, even though she's really young.
Her ideas and systematic way of working are just... quality!

I wish I had the right words to explain what I mean, but I'm a bit dippy still lol!
YAY! im glad you are happy today

hey btw theres another pic of me to coo over in the gallery! *whistles* *this guy is good for my ego*!

[Evert]

I wish I had the right words to explain what I mean, but I'm a bit dippy still lol!

It's okay, you had a good session that's what counts. You go boy! :D

(btw I just discovered the hearts in yours and Lisa's sig. Sweet! ;) )

[pocoyo]

YAY! im glad you are happy today

hey btw theres another pic of me to coo over in the gallery! *whistles* *this guy is good for my ego*!

Yay :D! I am too. Thank you!

Oh yeah.. I just saw that :D It's really cool. Your hair looks well nice in it, especially in the sideburny area. And lol, anyone that wouldn't think you're a boy is well... a bit of a kn*b! You look really cool :thumbsup: :thumbsup: Yamon!


It's okay, you had a good session that's what counts. You go boy! :D
Yaay thank you dude :hugs:


(btw I just discovered the hearts in yours and Lisa's sig. Sweet! ;) )
Aahaha! :o :o Shhh.

[Evert]

Aahaha! :o :o Shhh.

I won't tell



:heehee:

[CaptLex]

We worked through some stuff today and it was really cool seeing how it was all linked and that.
Yay! So cool that your sessions are still going well and helping you. I'm glad you guys clicked well together. Very happy for you, dude. Now . . . where's Bi with them brownies? :heehee:

[bi_weird]

Now . . . where's Bi with them brownies?

Hey brownies are supposed to be for coming out and other similarly big events! Don't go expecting them!
Aww okay. I'm a sucker. Here's a big pan of brownies for all! Just be careful - they're still warm.

[CaptLex]

Here's a big pan of brownies for all! Just be careful - they're still warm.

*drooling* :drool:

[pocoyo]

Haha Evert!

Awww thanks Cap. :hugs: :hugs:

Mmm... brownies..... :drooling:

[Tristan]

Mmmm love your brownies bi!

[Evert]

Mmmm love your brownies bi!


Shouldn't we call them BIwnies? :heehee:

[pocoyo]

Another phone one.

Went really well.

She said I worked hard (got emotional about some stuff), and afterwards I feel... yes bit squinty/fuzzy headed (haha I guess my bug doesn't help with that!)... but somehow... lighter! :D

Cool :cool:! :happy:

.... :GD: ..... lol

[CaptLex]

Another phone one. Went really well.

She said I worked hard (got emotional about some stuff), and afterwards I feel... yes bit squinty/fuzzy headed (haha I guess my bug doesn't help with that!)... but somehow... lighter! :D

Cool :cool:! :happy:

.... :GD: ..... lol
Lighter is good - very good. Sometimes it's hard work, isn't it? But the result is worth it. Good for you, Poccy-Mon. :D :hugs:

[pocoyo]

Awww! Thank you Cappymon! :hugs: :hugs:



... pocca pocca.....

[kerrianna]

Good for you Pocs. :hugs: You do get out of it what you put in, and it sounds like you're willing to make things work. It really helps to unravel stuff in order to put it all together. I'm glad you're able to work long-distance with her. That's a bonus not having to wait for visits. :hugs: :love:

[pocoyo]

Thanks Kez, and yay I get to see her face to face next week!
:hugs:

----
Phone session today:

For some reason I felt a bit confused about how I felt about stuff, and what we'd previously been over today. Only a little bit. But it's that section of the month where I can't think very straight... I get clumsy and so does my thinking! hehe.

We worked through some things though and I think got some important issues sorted or partially sorted and others touched upon :happy:

She said she has noticed some positive changes in me since our 1st session yay! So that's really good actually! Cool :cool:
I know that I have started to have a little more trust in myself since I have started seeing her. That is a very good thing.

[CaptLex]

I know that I have started to have a little more trust in myself since I have started seeing her. That is a very good thing.
Yup, that is a very good thing - and from your posts here I would say that's not the only good thing. Congratulations! May your future sessions bring you even more positive things. :hugs:

[Tristan]

Yay, Pocs! Glad the counseling is going well for you.

:hugs:

[kerrianna]

:hugs: Pocs I've noticed the positive changes myself. You do seem more confident, less confused and self-doubting, less harsh on yourself, more assertive. It's all good little brother. :happy:

And dude, thank you so so very much, from both of us, for the inspiring and encouraging messages in your signature.

You are a great friend. :hugs: :love:

[pocoyo]

AWww thank you Cappy and Tristan :hugs:


:hugs: Pocs I've noticed the positive changes myself. You do seem more confident, less confused and self-doubting, less harsh on yourself, more assertive. It's all good little brother. :happy:

And dude, thank you so so very much, from both of us, for the inspiring and encouraging messages in your signature.

You are a great friend. :hugs: :love:

Awwwwwww Kez, thank you lovely lady :bighug:
I think I've been those things a bit more too actually (more confident, less confused etc.) Yay!!

--------


Oooops... Adam's new thread (which he will be updating regularly) reminded me that I didn't update this one on Monday!

On Monday I had a face to face session with my counsellor.
It was quite good I think (bit dappy tonight, it's hard to remember exactly what we discussed), I know it was hard work, bit painful, whooshed by too fast... but good I think, heading in the right direction...!

I felt a bit funny when my counsellor said "she" about me a couple of times though.. haha weird. I'm used to people saying she (even though I don't like it). I guess it just felt funny because I have heard her refer to me as Jack before, so it felt funny that she said she. I think she might have like, covered up the saying she-ness, or had a reason for it, but it made me think "Oh no.. does that mean she sees me as female?" (Like I worry when Kieron goes "bitch" or something) it makes me think "Oh no.. do they subconsciously see me as female?!!!"

But that's silly, because of course she probably does, she sees me and my long hair and my "girlyness". If I was transitioning and that then I'm sure people would start naturally start thinking of and calling me "he", so it's all cool! I just felt a bit odd about it lol.

Besides that, in the session we were dealing with some issues about my Dad (you know.. the whole "he might not be my biological father" thing :() and we still have some stuff on that to work through because I sort of skim through stuff a bit too fast when it's painful apparently. (And make jokes hehe... but hey, I can't help seeing comedy in stuff :p). Also we talked about my mum and stuff a bit more too. Don't really want to say exactly what that was, feels a bit too sort of personal and painful to discuss here, but it was to do with her depression and that. Btw... great news about that... everyone has been saying to her that she seems so much better... and she has even been saying that she feels so much better!! YAAY! :jumping:!!! And for her to say that is just... miraculous!! :c9: *tired happy little sigh* that's rather wonderful really isn't it? ... (not that I'm going to relax and enjoy it yet... I don't trust it... I've been through this crap too many times before to feel safe about letting my guard down lol!)

We haven't got on to speaking mainly about gender issues again yet, because we are working through other stuff first and gradually leading up to that. But we do touch on it in every session.

[Question Mark]

w00t w00t! Yeah, I remember you were worried about her depression. Even if this doesn't last, it's good for both her and you that she's feeling much better right now.

[pocoyo]

w00t w00t! Yeah, I remember you were worried about her depression. Even if this doesn't last, it's good for both her and you that she's feeling much better right now.

Awwwwww yus! Good point! Thank you very much Marky Mark! :hugs: :hugs:

(Hehe... "Marky Mark"... mmmm Calvin Kleins...:heehee: )

[kerrianna]

Sounds like you're getting into the gooey thick of the family stuff Pocs, which like you said needs to be looked at along with the TG. It's all part and parcel of who we are and what makes us tick (or tock :heehee: ).

Yeah, comedy is a great way to angle in at painful stuff. Sometimes you can deal with a tough issue by having a laugh too. Sometimes I find I use comedy to avoid dealing too. Therapists are usually pretty good at spotting that avoidance technique.

You sound like you've got a good positive attitude about your counsellor and what you guys are working through together. :hugs: Kudos dude. You even understood her use of pronouns without taking offense it sounds like. That's cool. Shows self confidence and belief in yourself. :thumbsup:

Glad to hear your mum is feeling better too. Hope all is going well for you guys. :hugs: :love:

[Kimberley]

Hi Pocs.
I think that we need to get all the other crap out of the way before tackling gender issues because so much of it is a result of our hiding. Really, we dont have probs with gender, it is all the other junk that came from it. Make sense?

Jo Ann hardly ever talks about gender unless I bring it up because of a specific issue I am dealing with. She will however refer to other things as common to most transgendered people.

So, working on me is the goal, not on the gender issues because those I fully understand probably better than she does. I KNOW my feelings and my emotions and where they come from so in that I have a good handle.

Anyway, I am glad you are sticking it out.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[pocoyo]

AWww thank you sweet Kez :hugs:

Hi Kimb, yeah that definitely makes sense. I think so too.
AWww t'ank you :hugs:

--------------

Well just had a phone session.
Spent most of it crying lol. Just because I'm so tired and been stressed, and been run down.
I'm not lookin' forward to some stuff at end of this week/next week.

Feel a bit flat and down now. Dunno.

I said "do you think it's possible to get better?" and she said she's not a medical doctor but that she thinks there's a lot to be said for positive thinking.
I was like "anxiety-wise I mean (as opposed to my balance problem)", and she said that she can't diagnose.

It made me feel a bit down because I'd love to know that it IS possible to completely get over crap like this.
(I do believe in my heart of hearts that it is).

Also it was a bit depressing because I verbalised something I'd been wondering... if you transition... does part of you die.
I mean, in a lot of ways it's still the same person. But also.. someone that's been there... someone that's looked, acted and existed a certain way and had people react to them a certain way... sort of isn't quite there any more.
And she said that in a way she supposes part of you does die... and I said "that's really sad" and she said "but another part is born/comes to life".

It just made me feel down.
And I was feeling tired of having coping with this stuff for so long (even though it's much better than it used to be, sometimes things just get on top of you. ).

But I mean I'm ok, I just get down when I worry that I can't be like a normal person (anxiety-wise I mean).

It annoys me that I don't know who I am quite too.

Oh well :happy:

I'm just a bit tired and stuff.

She gave me a nice relaxing technique too, so thats cool. I will try it out!
I might even try it when I'm not feeling panicky to relax!

We talked about doing some little goals too. So that might be good.

I'm gonna read some more of my Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway book because that really helped when I was reading that (annoyingly I stopped when I got to an exercise but I am will do that now).
And some other panic type literature that helped me when I had to travel further than I'd been for ages, a while ago.

:happy:

[Kate Simmons]

Poc, Once you know who you are, it gives you a great deal of power, enough power to accomplish anything you set your mind to. It puts you in charge of directing your own destiny rather than just being a rider on the road of life like most in this world are. I always look at things and say:"Okay, what is the absolute worse case scenerio?" You break down the problem step by step and it doesn't look that ponderous. You have begun doing that and like Kerrianna, I've seen positive changes in you, in your resolve to get the job done and using any and all resources to do it. Once you break it down into little tasks, it depowers seemingly overwhealming things and ideas and you find out what you thought was a big deal is a mere nothing and you control the situation. You always have a choice regardless, but the fact that it is YOUR choice makes all the difference and that gives you the power my handsome young man.:thumbsup: ;) :hugs: Sal

[pocoyo]

Awwww Salandra, thank you :hugs: :love:
You are so wise. That makes so much sense...
Thank you very much lovely Sal. :bighug:

[pocoyo]

Oh btw... also at one stage when I was saying about things feeling like hard work my counsellor said that it's going to be a lot of hard work yet, and I said "Oh great" and she said "But it's going to be so worth it..." .... :D
That's pretty cool actually, yamon!

[CaptLex]

I said "do you think it's possible to get better?" and she said she's not a medical doctor but that she thinks there's a lot to be said for positive thinking. I was like "anxiety-wise I mean (as opposed to my balance problem)", and she said that she can't diagnose. It made me feel a bit down because I'd love to know that it IS possible to completely get over crap like this. (I do believe in my heart of hearts that it is).
Sounds like she didn't want to give you more than she can guarantee - or something like that. I'm sure it's possible to get better, but it's probably different for everyone, so who can tell whether it will or won't happen. Or was that just psychobabble?


Also it was a bit depressing because I verbalised something I'd been wondering... if you transition... does part of you die. I mean, in a lot of ways it's still the same person. But also.. someone that's been there... someone that's looked, acted and existed a certain way and had people react to them a certain way... sort of isn't quite there any more.
You know I've been wondering alot about that too - and the thought of it also makes me sad. Lately, I'm thinking that maybe we let go of any part of our past that just doesn't fit us anymore (and this goes for non-trans people too), but if we still need any part of us, we can keep it or call it back up if we need it. Sounds crazy, I know, but the thought came to me this weekend when I went to see Mom in the hospital. The first day it was really doing my head in that I had to pretend to play a female for her benefit and the benefit of those around her, but the second day I told myself that it was just a part to play - a part I had successfully played for many years and was fully qualified to play, nothing else. And that allowed me to bring that part of me back for a brief time without losing the me that I am now. I don't know if that made any sense, but I'm trying to say that I think that means we don't lose that, really, if we don't want to.

My therapy session left me a little moody today too, so I can sympathize, but in the end I think we have to stir up those emotions in order to get working on them. Rough sometimes, right? BTW, I think Sal gave you very good advice. And that bit about looking at the worse case scenario - we've been thinking alike again (spooky). :happy:

[pocoyo]

Hey there!

Awww sorry I never replied to your last post there Cap ^ , I did in my head!
How ungrateful that must have seemed.
You know I'm very grateful though :hugs:!

Just thought I'd better update this thread because I have missed out on writing about 4 sessions hehe!

Ok, well, the last few sessions have been really positive.
And even though I was really tired and low yesterday, my counsellor said she has been blown away with the progress I've made, and that I'm doing really well.
Awww :happy:

I won't go into detail 'cos I'm too tired lol
Just stuff like, basically I'm finally starting to trust myself more and have faith in myself.

And also she said something really cool hehe...
It was the 1st time she'd seen me with my short hair (she's only known me since I had a growing-out skater dude, long hairstyle) and she said that it really suits me and she thinks I shouldn't have any trouble passing.
I was like "yeah... as a 12 yr old..."
and she said "no.. as a man..."

:eek: hehe!

She might not be quite right... but what a cool thing for someone to say!
'cos its much easier to pass on webcam and in videos/photos... but for someone that knows me irl to say I look like a man was such a compliment :D :c9:

[CaptLex]

Awww sorry I never replied to your last post there Cap ^ , I did in my head!
How ungrateful that must have seemed.
You know I'm very grateful though :hugs:!
Haha . . . don't worry, I heard what you said in your head. ;)

Thanks for the update - I've been wondering how things were going. Glad to hear you've made good progress, especially that you have more faith and confidence in yourself. Woo-hoo! :GD:

BTW, your new haircut is too cute not to show in your avatar . . . *hint, hint* :D . . . and you don't look like a 12 year old :kiss:

[Kieron Andrew]

BTW, your new haircut is too cute not to show in your avatar . . . *hint, hint* :D . . . and you don't look like a 12 year old :kiss:
yeah what he said!!

Im glad the sessions are going good dude!

[pocoyo]

Haha . . . don't worry, I heard what you said in your head. ;)
Hehe awww! *hugs*


Woo-hoo! :GD: woo-hoo!


BTW, your new haircut is too cute not to show in your avatar . . . *hint, hint* :D . . . and you don't look like a 12 year old :kiss:
Aha... u want my new hairstyle back up there?
Ok.. I'll put a new photo up that I took off my webcam the other day...

Thanks sweet Cap *hugs him 'gain*

[CaptLex]

Aha... u want my new hairstyle back up there?
Ok.. I'll put a new photo up that I took off my webcam the other day...
:waiting: :whistling:

[Lovely Rita]

A good counsellor is hard to find. I am happy for you.

Have a great day

[Tristan]

Wooot. Btw you are a very handsome dude!!! All of us (even the straight guys who may not want to admit it *coughs* Kieron *coughs*) are in love with you hehe

[pocoyo]

Aww thanks Cap Kieron Rita Ace and Tristan!
Yeah she is a weeellll cool counsellor! Brilliant lady. Specially as she is so young!
Hehehe Tristan :o *hugs*

Sorry I didn't put the new hair pic up yet Cap (Mr Impatient lol!) I had to go to work and couldn't find it!

I will do one after I've gone to the post box haha!

Thanks for the support dudes n dudettes. You all rock :D :c9:
I've said it before, and I'll say it again....lucky pocs having such lovely friends!

[kerrianna]

Totally noticed the positive steps since you started seeing her Poc. That's down to you for wanting to do the work. So kudos! :hugs:

:heehee: Don't be falling in love with your counsellor :p. She does sound lovely.

New Poc pic! New Poc pic! New Poc pic! :yippee: :yahoo:

[Kieron Andrew]

Sorry I didn't put the new hair pic up yet Cap (Mr Impatient lol!) I had to go to work and couldn't find it!
ah you are just enjoying keeping him waiting lol

[Kieron Andrew]

New Poc pic! New Poc pic! New Poc pic! :yippee: :yahoo:
try saying that whilst drunk lol