Question/Advice

[paigestg]

Hi Folks,

I know I don't post very much, but I was hoping that you could provide me with some advice. I'll try to keep it short and sweet, but can go into more details if interested. :-)

When I was a small child, I always felt different. I never liked to do "boy" stuff, but anytime I tried to act on my true feelings, my parents would very quickly repress it (story of most of our lives, eh?). When I was a teenager, I came out to a few friends who were very supportive. But, after being raped, I decided that maybe the South wasn't the best place to be different. Through the years though, I've slowly crawled back out of my hiding place. I'm now married and my wife has been very supportive of me. Although I'm still afraid to go out in public as Paige.

In the past few years, the urge to live my life as a female has only gotten stronger. I'm not even worried about losing friends and family (friends would be supportive, family would probably disown me). But, what I'm most worried about is my career.

Crazy as it sounds, I dedicated most of my teenage years to getting ahead. I'm now a 27 y/o software engineer - team lead, in fact - at a major technology company. I consider that a big feat, considering I dropped out of college after one semester. I work my butt off - and I'm well respected for my work ethic and technical expertise. Even though the company as a whole wouldn't care - I feel that if I started transitioning at work that I would lose the respect of my peers and my career might take a hit. Plus, I love what I do, like the people I work with, and see my career continuing to advance at the company I'm at.

So, I guess I wanted to ask, does this sound totally stupid? I mean, I guess both things are a big part of me. But I'm also wondering if I'm "misclassifying" myself. I don't know if I want SRS or not, but pretty sure I have GID (I CD at home quite frequently) - so would I still "count" as being TG? I dunno. I've accepted myself (and my feelings) for who I am, but still very much confused.

I guess I'm just looking for validation and some advice.


Thanks for listening,
Paige

[CaptLex]

Don't have much advice, but two things come to mind:

(1) Have you had any counseling? Sounds to me like you could use it. You may want to address the question of whether or not you really want to transition before tackling the career question.

(2) It may come down to asking yourself which is more important - your career or a transition. I think you have to be willing to risk everything before you can start down that path.

Good luck! :happy:

[loriannetucson]

Paige,

It sounds as though you are at a place in your life and career that I was at when I was your age. I might now only be 35 yrs old, but I wish I had done a few things back then instead of now.

First of all, Capt. Lex is absolutely right about getting counseling. I received my BA in Psychology and still found it difficult to get help for myself. I guess it was more about pride that anything else. I have to admit that talking things through with the therapist has helped me TREMENDOUSLY in coming to terms with my true self. She is helping me to see things in my own life that have shown me just how transgendered I really am. By no means is she trying to persuade me in any direction. It's just that I see things more clearly about this than ever before. And I have to thank my wife for that. She saw my depression getting progressively worse and told me to get the help I need with my tg feelings. She's the one who said, "Alright, let's deal with this." And it's been one very painful and emotional ride. I don't think I could be doing this without therapy, that's for sure. The last few times I tried I ended up burying my feelings again (real bad move), and my wife ended up ignoring the problem too (real bad move there, too). I'm deep in the middle of things, but I'm glad the therapist is there to help me sort it out. You really need a professional who can look at your life objectively and help you regarding this.

Secondly, I think that if you feel like you were born in the wrong body, and you're crossdressing because it feels like what should be considered normal for you, then you might have gender dysphoria, even though I hate to call it that. I crossdressed at home for years, but I'm at the point where I feel like when I'm wearing men's clothing, it's then that I'm actually crossdressed. Oh, and the sexual feelings related to CDing were there earlier in life but diminished over time especially into my late twenties. By the way, you are a sexual being, don't worry about that aspect yet.

You have a lot of pondering to do. All I can say is that we're here for you. Don't fade away like I did over and over again. If you're going to deal with it, then deal with it with help, and with a therapist, and with your SO and your accepting friends. I really wish I had decided to begin hormones in my 20s. My body certainly wouldn't have been wrecked by testosterone as mine has been. The receding hairline, the hair growing in places it didn't used to grow, the increased aggresiveness, I'm glad I've started hormones.

Will I go all the way and get Gender Reassignment Surgery? My wife is worried that I will. I don't know if I will. I may not do that for the sake of my marriage. Or I may come to the point like many do and need to "transition or die." I just don't know. What I do know is that I'm glad I'm dealing with this openly now with my wife and with myself. I told my mother about this last week and she accepted me. If I can bring my loved ones along this journey, great, but I may have to face the fact that I may lose family or friends along the way. And as for work? I've given signs and I know people are wondering about me. I was even called "pretty boy" today by another coworker.

Oh, one other thing you've probably heard before... I hear frequently from T-girls that have gone through hell this phrase: If you don't HAVE TO transition, then DON'T! Only you know in your heart what you need to do.

Whatever you decide, we're here for you. Please don't be a stranger and keep us informed!

Blessings,
Lori Anne

[paigestg]

Thanks for the advice. I really, really don't want to have to give up my career - I already gave so much when I was younger to get to where I am today. I think that I can be satsified if I'm just able to be myself at home - I can always "crossdress" at work - it's only 8(+) hours a day. :-)

But I will try to get myself into a therapist. I think my company requires me to get prior permission before they will pay for it (which brings up a whole new problem - I don't want them to know). I'll have to do some research into it.

Thanks again and I'll post any updates here. :-)

Take care,
Paige

[AmberTG]

Hi Paige,
Something you should be aware of, one of the true pioneers of modern computers is transgendered, I can't remember her name now, but you should be able to find out about her.
You should find out what your company's policy is toward people with alternate lifestyles. Human recourses should be able to provide you with that info.
If you want to get preapproval for therapist's visits, tell them you want to get help for depression, that's all they need to know, and it sounds like you do need some help for depression, we know the cause, of course, but they don't need to know. That's how I started with my therapy, I went for depression.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Amber