Talk to Me

[Donna Marie]

My missus and I have lived apart since early 2000. We're over being mad at each other. We've traveled together many times with no problem at all. We go to church together. Sometimes we'll get together just to do something on a nice day. I told her about Donna Marie somewhere around 2001. She seemed to be taking it quite well, I thought. Sort of a bemused smile and an "I'm glad you shared that with me." Good thing I did - she later found some femails on my old computer that I thought I had erased. They were pretty benign and she said they actually helped her understand. But she wants nothing to do with CD and chooses to ignore it as long as we live apart. For a long time it has been a pretty good situation for me. I have freedom to be "ME" and can indulge myself as I wish. I like my scotch (too much) and I have a room dedicated to my model railroad. And I am "The Decider" with the TV remote - no one to argue with.

Here's the issue - lately she has said how lonely she is. And I have also been giving a lot of thought as to whether living alone is right for me. I think if I were to give up Donna Marie that I might be able to move back with her. I may be entering one of those phases when my femme side is at low ebb, cuz that doesn't sound too dreadful right now (I say while fully dressed up)(but I kinda didn't feel like bothering at first).

She has an 1800 SF - 3 bedroom house on an acre of land, and it is in a beautiful location. It would be a nice place to live. Whether there is really "space" for me there is an open question - all 1800 SF is her space now. And we are very independent-minded people that got married a bit late in life. It didn't work before, so would it work now??? I dunno.

So let me have it - I'm guessing I already know what y'all will say, but there's a lot of wisdom in this forum. Let's hear it.

[Staci G]

Hi Donna Marie

I am in no position to give advice I am in a marriage of tolerance at best I know I have the purge sensations to give it up and get "Normal" but I know after all these years it has,does and will come back with a vengance.

That being said, Where will you be when that happens? will you be able to dress or have to hide it? will she ever accept? or are you better off where you are? Only you can answer these questions and many more to come from her.

If you want to give it a try you may want to let her know Donna Marie will be living in the closet and may appear from time to time.

Good luck in what ever you decide and remember you have the right to be whoever you want to be
I wish I could listen to my own advice on that one

Love yas

[Di]

Well since she knows about Donna Marie...I would see if a compromise could be made....since right now she wants no part....that you do it when she is gone ect...that she gives you time to be yourself...I would ask her what would she be comfortable with.I just can't see you shutting away part of you.I think starting out honest and open would be the best. Of course...I am not her.....but since she knows already I see nothing to lose....and the two of you trying again....I would do alot of talking see if you can work all the details out..what she needs and you and seeing if you both will be happy with the arrangements. Good Luck

[SANDRA MICHELLE]

None of us can really tell you what to do because we all have different situations, I would say that financially it would be practical and everyone needs companionship so it could have more pluses than negatives. A comprimise would have to be entered into to m,ake it work since you probbly won't want to give up your fem side all together nor should you have to.
Good luck!

[Emily Ann Brown]

Could I suggest that maybe a good compromise is you spend time there when you feel "guy" appropriate and on those days(and nights) you feel feminine you stay at your place....as long as she understands what is happening would that work?


Emily Ann

[marie354]

I tried in the past to "go back" with girlfriends and my first wife and it never worked out well. The trust just wasn't the same.
If the two of you have built that trust again, then maybe it could work.

I don't really know as I'm no expert. In my past it never worked, is all I can say.
I think that this is something that only the two of you can decide.

[Donna Marie]

Some good thoughts here. I appreciate everyone's thoughtfulness. It definitely needs more consideration before I do anything rash. Thanks everyone.

[Marcie Sexton]

If it isn't tore up don't fix it...

As long as things are working well now and you and she are happy with the arrangements I wouldn't change things...

[melissacd]

Donna,

Moving back together is a big step. Giving up your cross dressing is a big step. Giving up your total freedom to do as you please is a big step.

You need to be sure that you are prepared to make these big steps, understand what you are gaining and what you are losing, appreciate the risk that it could go as badly as the last time. You need to examine the reasons that you had to separate in the first place and then decide if they are still valid and alive.

Perhaps dating her again, engaging in deep dialog, staying over a few nights, testing the waters, getting a sense of what limitations she will want to place on you, understand what she wants from you in this new relationship.

Tread carefully, understand her real motives.

All the best whatever path you choose.

Huggs
Melissa

[Kathleen Ann Trees]

I love this forum because we all can get some good feedback. I think it's great you feel the same way and came here to help with your situation. My advise though is talk with her. Tell her what you are thinking. To be open and honest is the best way to build the trust that's required in any successful relationship. Too often we try to "protect" our loved ones, or ourselves, and the result is a communication breakdown.

Don't get me wrong, not everything that is true or what you want to say NEEDS to be said. But, if you have an interest in seeing where the relationship might go, I say, start by talking with her.

Good luck, and as always, best wishes.
Kathleen

[Jasmine Ellis]

its up to you what you do. I myself couldn't give up dressing as Jasmine just like that. I think you both got to sit and talk and start having dates with each other before moving back in with her. The cross dressing part of your side wont go away just like that. may be you could ask her to join us in here to get to know more.

[Kali]

If you have to "give up" something in order to live together, you need to be getting something equally significant it return. If you don't, you will eventually become resentfull over having given up something important to you. And that's with something that isn't a integral to who you are as your dressing, which might not be possible to give up.

You two would really need to work out a set of ground rules that takes into account who each of you is and what you each need to be happy.

[suchacutie]

Your explanation says to me that this is a complex situation that needs a lot of tender loving care if it is to work (hah...doesn't every relationship!). I agree with those above who talk about spending some increasingly long time with each other...a weekend maybe, and then a few days apart, etc. Those few day would probably (at least initially) be times when you can't dress, nor be totally alone, nor be away from the need to compromise. When you again separate, you can look at the emotions of "thank heaven for some time alone" or "gee, why do we have to split?".

time and care...that's always what it takes. there are no shortcuts.

tina

[Angie G]

I don't think Donna Marie will stay away hun :hugs:
Angie

[DonnaT]

Depends on the reasons you decided to live apart, I reckon.

Especially since your dressing doesn't appear to have been the issue. Unless it was your hidden issue.

So, what ever the past issues were, do you think they will be a problem in the future?

I think Emily Ann's suggestion of spending time cohabiting at her place is a good one. There's no reason to give up your place until you're sure it will work out.

However, your CDing needs to be addressed as well. I reckon if you keep your place, then you'll have a place to go to be Donna.


For a long time it has been a pretty good situation for me. I have freedom to be "ME" and can indulge myself as I wish. I like my scotch (too much) and I have a room dedicated to my model railroad. And I am "The Decider" with the TV remote - no one to argue with.

Sounds like you're not really to commit yet anyway. So don't give up your current place until you are ready.

[Phyliss]

35+ yrs married to first and only wife doesn't give me any "bona fides" to speak with knowledge, however, having lived apart since 2000, I would recomend against moving back in together. Not exactly sure of the reasons why I think this way, but, somehow I can see a problem.

[Glenda]

Stop hiding Donna Marie from her. I don't care if she is uncomfortable. If she wants to resume the relationship or needs the companionship then you need her to accept you as you are. Moving back in and hiding things or having secrets just doesn't seem to be the recipe for success. In my experience, those who have been very reluctant to let me indulge in my femme side have had a change of heart after realizing that I am the same person whether dressed in femme or in drab. I've had more than one ex girlfriend let me know that they made a mistake and that they wish they had been accepting at the time rather than thinking they could change me.

[Mary Morgan]

I don't have any magic answers, and goodness knows my situation is far from ideal, but it does seem to me the key to it all is your statement that you are both "very independent-minded' and that it is "her" space. That alone could be a problem. I think Di has the right idea that compromise is in order. I would suggest that you maintain your place, and perhaps start spending more time together, even regular overnighters, then see how your presence in her space is managed. I would urge you to consider carefully any commitment based on giving up your CD, until and unless you know that it is something you want to do for you. Compromise needs to meet both parties needs. Be sure you both know what they are. I hope that you can find a comfortable middle-ground. You may already be in it.

[kaitlin]

[QUOTE=Glenda;770943]Stop hiding Donna Marie from her. I don't care if she is uncomfortable. If she wants to resume the relationship or needs the companionship then you need her to accept you as you are. Moving back in and hiding things or having secrets just doesn't seem to be the recipe for success.

Hey Girl, I agree 100%.... When you start a relationship, old or new, by having to change who and or what you are, it is a failure in the making! If she wants you back, then she should want all of you. Model trains??? COOL I love them! Take care Kaitlin

[Tina B.]

never mind the CD'ing issuses, 1800SF and it is all her space, what about the model railroad?? you got to have space to be you, the engineer in a dress!
Tina B.

[Lovely Rita]

no advice just best wishes for the both of you.

[Brianna Lovely]

I don't think that you should move in together, at this time.

I had a room-mate, for a period of time. I know it was not a SO, situation for me, but I did learn something.

Although we "loved" each other, as people, we just seemed to constantly disagree. It got so bad, that I was irritaded all the time, not my normal personality.

We parted "as friends", but we where both almost in tears. I think there was just too much emotion involved and strong will on both our parts.