Relapse

[Sara Violet]

Hi every one I had a rough night last night. My gf wanted to talk to me about my TSism and us. When I got to her house all she kept asking was if I was going to leave her for a guy if I had a sex change. I told her I love her and I want to be with her. I told her I do have some attraction to guys, but not in a gay sense, she does not get it. She doesn't understand that my brain is hard wired female. Then she got on about how much it is for SRS and how i'll never be able to do it and to get over it. I could not stand it, I told her to have a nice life and I left. When I got home all I could do was cry. I felt so hopeless. I dont know why I did what I did next. I took out my old friend the knife and cut my arm a few times. I feel so empty, lost and alone. For my sake I hope my mom will be with me through this. I don't think I've been this scared for my future since school when I had to run home every day so I would not get beat up every day. I need a hug so bad.

[Wendy me]

ouidam frist of all come on over here real big tight hugs from wendy........girlfreind
you got to stop cutting your slefe ..........wendy wants you to promuse ok???????

[Stephanie Brooks]

*BIG HUGGLES* Quidam.

Hurting yourself isn't good. You are a Good Person, Quidam. There's no need to hurt yourself.

I wish I could help more than this.

*BIG HUGGLES* Quidam.

You are a good person, Quidam. Please NEVER forget that.

[LindaTS]

Quidam, this is part of the bumpy road I was refering to, but please honey, be strong. It's necessary that you remain strong for the whole process. I think the hardest part will be with people. Give it time to work and please don't hurt yourself. It will be worth it in the long run.

[Wendy me]

quidam replay or answer your pm we need toknow your ok

[Julie]

Quidam, sorry to hear all this. Please get back on line and talk about it.

JJ

[letsdance GG]

Hon, you don't know me as of yet. I am sending you a **BIG HUG**

I know how hard it is to stop cutting yourself. I understand the only reason you do it is because it is the one thing YOU have control over. That is a lie sweetie.

YOU have contol over much more than your head is telling you. Try and remeber that the next time you feel like hurting yourself.
Also, coming here is a good thing. You really need to let all that pent up emotion out. The only way you can do that is to let your friends here know what is going on in your head.
I know that life seems so outta control at the moment. Sharing you feelings is the best way to take the control back in a positive way.
Cutting yourself does not have to be the end of the world , hon. You did it, you feel terrible. The point is to move on and do something different next time. Try talking to your Mom. Call someone. Post your heart out to your friends here. Do whatever you have to do so that you don't harn the one that others love so much.
I will be sending you my best wishes and hopes for the future.
Feel free to PM me if you need some anonymous venting.

I am a Mom. My daughter used to cut herself daily. I can only offer understanding and support. Know that people care about you and don't want you to suffer needlessly.

[Jennifer_G]

Hi there Quidam,

I'm not sure that I can offer any reasonable advice as I am not TS, but what I do hope you do is to talk to some of the girls here as they will know what you are going through as many have suffered similar hurt to you.

I am sure that you can find support and that big hug you need here.

Big Hug from me babe.

[Priscilla1018]

Hi every one I had a rough night last night. My gf wanted to talk to me about my TSism and us. When I got to her house all she kept asking was if I was going to leave her for a guy if I had a sex change. I told her I love her and I want to be with her. I told her I do have some attraction to guys, but not in a gay sense, she does not get it. She doesn't understand that my brain is hard wired female. Then she got on about how much it is for SRS and how i'll never be able to do it and to get over it. I could not stand it, I told her to have a nice life and I left. When I got home all I could do was cry. I felt so hopeless. I dont know why I did what I did next. I took out my old friend the knife and cut my arm a few times. I feel so empty, lost and alone. For my sake I hope my mom will be with me through this. I don't think I've been this scared for my future since school when I had to run home every day so I would not get beat up every day. I need a hug so bad.
Hi quidam my friend,
As you know I am familiar with the knife. I have also cut myself in the past and have many scars, many more that are not visible. We do this because we feel that we are guilty and deserve punishment. I talked with my therapist today about this,he said it is more common among younger people.
Please Do Not Harm Yourself any more. Keep the lines of communication open with those of us on the forum. I care about you, we care about you. Let us help. We are all we've got to help each other deal with the problems of a society that does not understand, or want us. We are part of your family,let us help.
You definately need a hug; I am a very large(muscular) person, when I hug, you know that you have been hugged.BIG HUG

Love and BIG HUGS,BIG HUGS
You Sister Priscilla

[DonnaT]

Big Hug here for you Quidam.

Please lock the sharp knives up, so you'll have time to think about what you are about to do before you do it again!

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/23/23_28_121.gif

[Melissa A.]

Hi Quidam,

My heart is with you, honey. The pain you are feeling will not last. Be true to yourself and you will find your way to peace and happiness. I know it all seems so overwhelming and the answers so far away sometimes. However, I believe you will find what you need. Unfortunately, it probably won't happen quickly, sweetie. In the meantime, you have our support, and yourself. Don't stop believing.

Big, big, hug to you, Quidam. Hurting yourself is never the answer. I believe in you, honey.

Hugs,

Melissa :)

[stevie h]

Quidam

nothing repeat nothing is worth dying for.

you hang on in there.

thinking of you.



love


stevie

xx

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Damn, I'm so F&#%ing mad cuz I had long well written reply and when I went to post, it said I was no longer logged in and *poof* my posty was gone!

Grrrrrrrrrr!

Okay, here goes again.

Hi Quidam,
I'm writing this to you but also to help the other grrlz understand your cutting behavior. My suspicion is that the discussion with your g/f led to feeling overwhelmed, so much so that you couldn't cope. Anticipating she may reject you, you rejected her first--fearing abandonment is ever present for you. When you arrived home you were probably overwhelmed by your emotions and the loss you know felt, the urge to cut had been building up but now you could no longer ignore it. So you cut. Now you felt a sense of release and calm, albeit brief as feelings of loss, abandoment, feeling lost and despair crept in. And this is when, you posted the thread or shortly thereafter. My guess is you've also struggled with depression and anxiety to varying degrees as well. Grrlz, you need to know that Quidam's cutting is not really an act of suicide or to get attention. It has become a coping mechanism of sorts, although unhealthy. It is an act that is influenced by feelings on the surface but driven by profound feelings rumbling below. The feelings deep within her consciousness are that of self-loathing, fear, an unclear sense of self, feelings of inadequacy and fear of abandonment. These are the driving force of her cutting and what may appear to others at times, irrational behaviors.

I hope this helps. And Quidam, big hugs grrl, hang in there! Also, please tell me how close to the mark I've come, okay?

hugs
kew

[Ashleigh]

Hi every one I had a rough night last night. My gf wanted to talk to me about my TSism and us. When I got to her house all she kept asking was if I was going to leave her for a guy if I had a sex change. I told her I love her and I want to be with her. I told her I do have some attraction to guys, but not in a gay sense, she does not get it. She doesn't understand that my brain is hard wired female. Then she got on about how much it is for SRS and how i'll never be able to do it and to get over it. I could not stand it, I told her to have a nice life and I left. When I got home all I could do was cry. I felt so hopeless. I dont know why I did what I did next. I took out my old friend the knife and cut my arm a few times. I feel so empty, lost and alone. For my sake I hope my mom will be with me through this. I don't think I've been this scared for my future since school when I had to run home every day so I would not get beat up every day. I need a hug so bad.

Quidam,

I hope you take my post with the loving intent that I mean.

Pain is so hard to take isn't it? I have been involved with more cases like this in my past vocation than I care to think about. Some of what has been said on this thread I agree with, however, I would be irresponsible in not suggesting competent professional counseling in your case. I have noted much depression in some of your other posts and even your avatar suggests such. You are going through some very tough times and are being pulled in several different directions at once. Those close to you are good sources, but you need someone who is trained to help in cases like this. There may be some issues that are buried that you are not aware of. The cutting is a concern to me. I know what some here have said about it, but I have seen what can happen (too many times) if some professional intervention is not obtained. I have also seen what can happen when competent professional intervention is obtained - the stories usually have a much happier ending.

I don't want to see you hurt yourself anymore be it physical or mental. Please help yourself by letting others help you.

Please do not mistake what I have said here. I am by no means criticizing you in any way. I do care what happens and realize that what you are going through is confusing and painful and it will take some time to work things out.

Take care.

[Kate_Uhler]

HUGE HUGS [COLOR=Teal]on top of Hugs

kisses kate..

ps. hang in there sweetie..

[ChristineRenee]

I can only echo and support what the others have said to you Quidam. Please don't hurt yourself anymore...physically or mentally. You are a good person...a very good person...never forget that. Be good to yourself and be proud of who you are because you are a very special person...God made you special Quidam. You will get through this, and you will be a stronger person for it. And know that we are always here for you no matter what...we will be here for you in your time of need. That's what a family is all about Quidam....and you are a member of our family...always, always, remember that. You are loved more than you know.

Love,
Christine


Here's a BIG *HUG* from your sister Chrissie!

[Holly]

Quidam,

I can only add my support and my HUGS! You have such a sweet spirit and an imense amount of love to give. I hope with all my heart that you will take Ashleigh's suggestions seriously and seek out a professional to help you sort things out. It's all to true that life can be overwhelming at times and wheather we want to admint it or not, we ALL can use some assistence along the way.

And don't forget about us. We will be here do offer our counsel, support, a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, and gentle words of encouragement, all designed to uplift and help you along the way. There is NO ONE HERE that wants to see you harmed anymore, either mentally or physically.

You have a lot going on in your life right now, Quidam. Together, we will get through this. Please promise me that the next time things seem to be getting out of control, instead of reaching for a knife, boot up the 'puter and get in touch with us. If you ever want to talk, I encourage you to PM or email me or one of the other wonderful ladies here. Promise?

Mom

[Rikki]

Quidam hon,

Please hear what all the girls are telling you. You are too precious to keep hurting your self. There are girls out here 24/7 and we all want you to talk with us. I am so sorry that I can't be with you to give you the big hug that you need right now. Instead, just wrap both arms around you and squeeze, and think of me hugging you. Hang in there girl and I want you to pm me so we can talk. Take care and God bless you.


Rikki

[Sara Violet]

Thank you girls

I got home from work 3 hours ago and my connection was down. I've waited till now to get on. Its 3 am. I just want to let you all know Im ok. My mom called me at work tonight to make sure we were on for thursday. Its the first time she has ever called me at work. I know she is very worried about me. I need sleep. I will pm those who wanted to be pm'ed tomorrow, or should I say 8 hours. Sorry to have worried you with so much time between posts. Thanks for the hugs. I just hope to get one from my mom. I need her support more than anyones

[Stephanie Brooks]

Quidam,

One thing you need to know is that you're going to face - for lack of a better term - battles. You'll win some of them, and you'll lose some of them too. Sometimes you won't even know how you've done for a few days; the appearance of a win or loss is simply that, an appearance. This will wreak havoc with your emotions.

Your girlfriend, for instance, may be a situation where in the long term things will be okay. It may also be the case where she can't be with you. That one's just life. Not all love is reciprocated. Sure, the issue for you relates to transgenderism, but don't think for a moment that every straight guy and girl finds the love of their life. If they did, the divorce rate wouldn't be in the 50% range.

You're learning what you need, and that's a good thing! The more you understand yourself and what you need, the sooner you can be happy with yourself. If you can achieve that, then you've done well.

I believe you're on the path to doing that, but it is a path rife with peril. Be strong when you need to be, and don't be afraid to stop, recover, and regroup once in awhile. It's especially important to do that when you've experienced something particularly difficult such as you've just done. We're here, and hopefully your Mom will be there for you too.

Hang in there Sweetie!

*BIG WARM HUGGLES*

[Sara Violet]

Thank you all for your hugs. These next few day I will need them. I just want the body I should have been born with. I hate this male body more than anything and I would give up everything I have to become female. Every day I look in the mirror and imy reflection is so wrong. This hurt has always been with me for as long as I could remember. Im a girl inside, and every day it shows upon how I act. Every guy looks at me like I got 5 heads sometimes. I get along with girls alot more than guys, but girls see me as a guy and its hard to earn their trust. Some times I forget that my body is male and will do something really girly, the guys will look at me like I want insane and hope I was joking, but the girls just laugh with me like im one of the girls sometimes. Well enough ranting I got to go to work. Thank you all again.

[Wendy me]

sister glade your ok .........wendy gives huge hugs

[eleventhdr]

Alright now let me get this straight. You say your girlfreind does not or will not can not accept who and what you are. Well I think most of us have gone through this I know I have as well. Problay not to the same degree that you are discribing here. But I have gone throuhg it as well myself and i know it really hursts when others can not or will not accept how and who you are inside. But Harming yourself this way is not the ansewer . It is very ashame that others can not or will not see us as we wish to be. But that is there own fault and not yours. Some people just can not or will not accept what they consider the norm. Thisi there own narrow mindnesses and not your fault at all. It is very unfortuate that it is this way still in todays world. Just when we think we are making progress things get in the way and set us back. But to blame yourself over anothers thinking is not going to help you at all. It is very hard i know. But one must try ones best to move on and find and know that there are lots of us out here who are with you. And that we are here to help and support you in any and all ways possible. You most certainly are never alpone. Just reach right out and take ur hand we will and can help you. I give to you big hugs and my hand reaching out to you to really help and support in any way possible. But please do know this as well we are all stronger with you then without you that is the whole reason we do exciste for one another. So let it be known that all you have to do is let us know and we can be there for you. But one other thing please stay away from Mr Kinfe Please this will not help you out at all but we can. Just let us know. Suzy The Doctor Eleventh