So Many Questions

[MyGirl&Me GG]

I have so many questions. I hope that some of you will be willing to help me out. My husband CD's at home. I don't mind... Sometimes I like it. I usually help with shopping and usually do the makeup. I even picked out the wig.

So.. here is my problem.... He seems to be going back into his shell. I am not sure if it is depression, or what. I try to get him to talk, but no go really.

Well, anyway, can anyone out there help me with how to be more supportive, or get him to talk?

Thanks.

[Alice B]

If you are OK with his dressing and help him as you say you do, then he is showing signs of depression. He needs to see a soctor and get meds to control the drepression.:hugs:

[GypsyKaren]

I'm going to move this over to MtF where it belongs, plus you'll get more replies there.

I commend you for being supportive, all I can suggest is that you be patient, most will talk when they're ready...and welcome to the forum, feel free to ask as many questions as you like.

Karen

[MyGirl&Me GG]

Thanks so much. I have asked him to speak with a conselor, I am not sure that he will though. I have offered to go with if it would help. He says he was in counceling a long time ago... before we got together and it helped then. I worry that it is weighing on his mind too much and I just feel helpless.

[EricaCD]

There is a huge amount to be learned by reading through these forums. You can get a great deal of substantive knowledge of what your husband is likely thinking/dealing with, and some techniques and approaches that have been constructive for others.

Still (and I hate to sound like a downer here), if your husband is having problems with self-acceptance, there is only a limited amount you will be able to do to help from outside. Your best bet (not a perfect one) is exactly as you suggest: seek out a competent therapist familiar with transgender issues. Failing that, an open mind, acceptance and a loving heart is what you can offer --- and I would be the last to trivialize those gifts to your husband and your relationship! Good luck :) PM if you wish to discuss further.

Erica

[Kelsy]

Hi my girlandme,

I don't know how long you have known about your SOs dressing but I do know that in my experience I was in the closet for 40 years and alot of hiding and fear of exposure and that kind of conditioning make the CD experience very secretive and hidden. It was a little difficult to open up to my SO after I came out. I will sometimes regress into a secretive mode for no other reason than the years of conditioning. I addition my experience with Crossdressing is sort of like a rollercoaster I will feel on top of the world loving my gurl things etc at other times I will loath myself for it. as I mature the ups and downs are slowly smoothing out. Depression is something I have to be careful with and have taken meds in the past for it. I don't know if any of this helps but I wish the best for you two!

Jennifer:happy:

[Kimberley]

You are there for him, he knows that and your support is valued. Counselling is a good thing, meds uhhhh so so. Depends on the depth of the depression.

Antidepressants are not like aspirins. One may work and another may not. A third one may work but only at a specific dosage while a fourth one may require a supplementary med. It is a hit and miss proposition that can create havoc for six months before the right one(s) are found. It can be a time of hell. Then there is always the risk of the patient becoming tolerant of it so it no longer works then it is back to square one. (Been there done that so it is experience speaking.) A pdoc who specializes in psych meds might shorten the time up, if you can find one.

Anyway, good luck and welcome to the forums. Lots of good people here and always willing to help.

:hugs:
Kimberley

[Holly]

MyGirl&Me, first of all :welcom: to the forum. Someday your husband will recognize you for the angel that you are. Erica makes a lot of sense. Try to coax him into counseling. Perhaps you could do a bit of research and locate some that are familiar with gender issues in your area. Keep reassuring him that your feelings for him have not diminished since he has told you of his cross dressing and remind him (gently) that you want to help him explore this special and unique part of his makeup (no pun intended :D ). We are here to help BOTH of you. Is you husband a member here? If not, maybe he would benefit from contact with others who share his interest. Please let us know how things go and if there is anything else we can do to help. :hugs:

[Country girl]

As my SO Jennifer has said, hiding this from everyone for a long time can be a heavy burden. If your husband has hidden this from everyone all his life, then it is indeed a hard thing to come to terms with. Even when the SO is accepting. They constantly question themselves and wonder if your acceptance is somehow a front and if you will come down on him for being a CDer. My advice is talk, talk, talk. Communication is the key to most if not all isues in a relationship. I also have to agree with the counseling. If he is receptive and will go then get him an appointment ASAP. You might even need to set up an appointment with a psychiatrist in case the depression is serious enough to be treated with meds. I've read enough posts on this forum, and have my own experiences, to believe that depression seems to be a common trait amongst a LOT of CDer's and their SO's. I hope he will seek the help and I hope y'all find a resolution very soon. I will keep you in my prayers. Lots of :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: :hugs: . Good luck. :love: CG gg
BTW, feel free to PM me if you need to talk.:happy:

[Wenda]

Bless you for not pulling the rip cord on your relationship. My eldest son, who also dresses, and I believe there is a strong relationship between biochemical depression and dressing. Check out the depression threads. We all live within the reality of our minds. Captives really.
We have found that the medical profession can work miracles if you have lost a limb in an industrial accident, or are diagnosed with a life-threatening condition, but if you show up at a psyco-therapy clinic, and you are not suicidal, you will most likely be dismissed. Until you do actually become suicidal.
I have taken diovan for depression for years. For me, depression is not the black cloud of pending suicide, but rather the oppressive grey doom of overwhelming fatigue. I loose my enthusiasm for any project or activity that might require effort. When depressed, if I could fall into a permanent sleep, i would. I realize that I am susceptible to daylight-related depression. If I lived in the Northwest Territories, I would very likely be fighting suicide.
Even many in the medical profession do not understand that this is not a condition that you can "Pull yourself out of". There remains a century-old British Army-type attitude that depression is a sign of weakness, something that you can deal with with positive thoughts. Cute idea but really naive.
From my experience, I wouldn't invest many resources in 'counselling'. My limited experience is that counsellors try to go back into your past to find whatever event or experience may have triggered your negative feelings.
It is an intersting process, if you have the resources, but finding out what may have first tripped your wire thirty years ago is unlikely to reveal the underlying causes of why you are still dealing with depression. Don't dismiss the value of good pharmacueticals. And don't be hesitant to stop any course of treatment that doesn't seem to be producing the results you were led to expect.
Thank you for searching for help. Hope we can be of some assistance. luv, w.

[CindyT]

First off, I have to compliment you for supporting his CD activities!

One question is, how long has he been dressing, that you are aware of? I am wondering if he revealing all of his inner feelings to you?

How long have you 2 been married/together?

Yes I believe counseling is in order, but if he won't go, you need to make a plan.

Maybe he is after something that he thinks you may not agree with, like for instance an occasional public "flash" or maybe traveling in dress?

We are here to help! Keep us up to date!

CindyT

[MyGirl&Me GG]

Well ladies, to answer some of your questions...

He is a member here (doesn't yet know I am).
He is under 30.
I have know about the CD (TG) issue since before we were together?
We were friends first, and married almost 3 years.

I have a counselor that I have been to, for stress, depression, or whatever you want to call it. (All family & work related, not due to my dear hubby) She was not at all put off, when I told her a little about it. She did ask me if I was okay with it. And I am.. Mostly. I am still learning. I just feel helpless. I know that I can't force him to get help. I don't want to change him. He is a very loving and interesting person.. I could just listen to him talk for hours about anything. He is the sunshine in my life.

I have tried to get him to go out dressed, to see if it was something he would be interested in. He is afraid. He had a VERY bad experience as a teen.

I am not sure about meds, he hasn't responded well to anything else that he has tried for other conditions (headache, pain, infections, etc).

I also worry that he will eventually want to permanently make the physical change. I do not think I could handle that. I am okay with the dressing & changing up of things. But physically (in bed), I desire a man (or least a specific part of him). I don't mean to be disrespectful or blunt, but that is how I feel.

Although, he says he definately only likes women, I worry.. because I have feelings that concern me toward other women.

More thoughts?

[TxKimberly]

Well, I'm gonna go out on a limb here and be the rebel. I hardly think that just because he has been quite as of late concerning crossdressing that we need to rush to counselors/drugs. I've been married for 20 years and my wife has always known and accepted it as part of me. Even with her understanding and support, I sometimes feel ashamed of what I am and feel ashamed for what I must be putting her through. I think everyone, TG or otherwise, is going to have their down moments. Knowing that you are there for him WILL help. I'd say give it a little time and he will probably come around.
Kim (No idea what I'm talking about but I keep opening my mouth anyway)

[melissacd]

He is most likely going into his shell because he is feeling somewhat guilty and uncomfortable with his femme persona. He has to work through this process until he reaches a point where he can feel that it is not only okay, but in fact that it is a gift. This is something that each and every one of us has to work through in our own good time. It is important to be there and be supportive. It may help for him to seek counselling.

My best to you and your SO.

Huggs
Melissa

[Country girl]

I also worry that he will eventually want to permanently make the physical change. I do not think I could handle that. I am okay with the dressing & changing up of things. But physically (in bed), I desire a man (or least a specific part of him). I don't mean to be disrespectful or blunt, but that is how I feel.

Although, he says he definately only likes women, I worry.. because I have feelings that concern me toward other women.

More thoughts?

MyGirl&Me, from a gg who is very accepting, I understand your fears. There are some gg's on this site who have been faced with that and from what I've seen have handled it rather well. I would not be one of them. I Love my SO with all my heart, love dressing with him/her and love being involved in all the aspects of CDing, BUT, and she knows this, at the end of the day when all is said and done I want the man I feel in Love with, not another woman. If she ever decided that she wanted to make the change permanent, then that for me would be the deal breaker. Luckily, she swears, she is not interested in being a woman, just likes to dress like one. I believe her and she does her part to reassure me when I need it. I know you have a lot of love for your husband, it is evident in your post, and I believe y'all will come through this. Good luck to you. :love: CG gg

[Sharon]

I also worry that he will eventually want to permanently make the physical change. I do not think I could handle that. I am okay with the dressing & changing up of things. But physically (in bed), I desire a man (or least a specific part of him). I don't mean to be disrespectful or blunt, but that is how I feel.


His wanting to physically become a woman is far from a given, and not at all common, excepting as an occasional fantasy. Has your SO ever expressed such thoughts to you? If not, you shouldn't assume anything.

If he has tried meds for other conditions and they haven't helped, that shouldn't deter him from trying to deal with his depression. His thoughts are such that he is probably thinking that nothing will ever work, so why bother. But, with your help and encouragement, he must make the sincere attempt to make himself well again. It is not only for his benefit, but for the benefit of you and those around him. Meanwhile, your continued love and support will do him the world of good.

[MyGirl&Me GG]

Country Girl,

Thank you! I really needed to hear that! I worry that I don't show it enough that I support him.

[kassi]

i told my husband from the first day that he told me that i will accept every part of it except the srs. that was my bottom line. it takes a lot to accept it. so some boundries are okay. he understands and is fully okay with it. my best advice is communication is key.

[Di]

Everyone is giving you wonderful info.....that I really can not add to...except to say ....keep talking.....and it sounds like you are already doing that....keep it up I am sure you two can work out what works for the two of you...it varies on the couple...but find out what you both need ( like you said you desire a man ) just be honest with each other and it will all work out. Welcome here....read ...ask questions...glad you are here with us:hugs:

[Country girl]

Country Girl,

Thank you! I really needed to hear that! I worry that I don't show it enough that I support him.


Hey sweetie, I know what it is to worry. Seems like no matter how hard I try to let things go, I still have to worry about it.:eek: it sounds like from your post that you are more than showing enough support:love: . After ten posts you can come over to the gg side of things where I think you will find a lot of help and sympathy when needed.:hugs: Take deep breaths when things seem to overwhelm you. Remember, he is as confused as you are. :love: CG gg

[Iniquity Blonde GG]

its great that you do support him as much as you do hun :happy: sometimes you feel ur knocking ur head against a brick-wall, and they clam up, and pretend it doesnt exsist sometimes :( but, so much good advice here, talking is ALWAYS the key in this situation. ive had so many probs with Darrell not talking, been with-drawn etc, and ive gone on & on badgering him to open up !! we have had so many rows, split up, got back together, and its been the c/d main cause of it :sad: but...... when you both actualy say how u really feel about the c/d, its surprsing how much stuff you do get through :hugs: there is light at end of tunnel hun :love:

[Kate Simmons]

I don't purport to have a magical answer Hon. A lot of it is about self perception. Therapy did help me to realize that. I'm expressing myself and my feelings in this way and I had to learn to get past being ashamed of it. If more people in this world, especially men, would be honest with their own feelings, we may not have a lot of the problems we do. Once I realized that by being ashamed, I was being ashamed of myself, I got over it and began moving forward. Your SO is fortunate he has you for support.:happy:

[Kali]

MyGirl-

My SO is very supportive of my dressing. She buys me clothes and makeup and often encourages me to dress.

But sometimes I'm still depressed and withdrawn. There are, at the moment, a lot of other stresses in my life. I know they are transient and will pass, but they do have their effect on me.

I'm not used to opening up to other people and my first instinct when stressed and depressed is to withdraw. My SO will encourage me to dress or ask me what's bothering me (even though she knows that I am unlikely to respond).

The depression has nothing to do with my crossdressing. I don't know your husband but just because you are supportive of the dressing doesn't mean that he will be depression free or that the two are related.

Getting him to talk is the place to start, either to you or to a professional. But being supportibve and there for him can go a long we towards helping him regain his emotional and mental balance.

I tell my SO that all the time, but she doesn;t seem to believe that her being in my life makes my life so much better. She often feels that she has to be doing something for me, and doesn't realize that her love and support does so much.

Take your time and talk to him. Don't push hard for him to open up, just keep him talking. You don't have to bring it up that he's withdrawing; just don't let him, without being obvious about it.

My SO will tell me, every now and then, that "there is no other shoe." She knows that I have troble believing how wonderful our relationship is, because I never had anyone on my life who loved me for myself and loves all of me. I spent a lot of time waiting for that other shoe to drop, but I have finally realized that things are the way they seem. And I love her for that.

But despite that, every now and then I still look around for that other shoe. And that has an effect on me.

Hang in their and let him know you will be there for him. If he's the person you think he is he will do the same for you.

[Casey Morgan]

Sometimes people need to withdraw a bit to figure some things out. That can be a natural part of the process for T* folks. But if you're getting worried about his withdrawl, tell him that. If nothing else, he needs to know that you're worried. But this may also be just what he needs to start opening up again or decide that he does need to talk to someone professionally.

[Tracy_Victoria]

having read this board a number of times, it seems thoughs that would like help, can't get it, and thoughs that do, sometimes don't want it. Ie we all seems to lose no matter what! Crazy world isn't it.

My only advice is talk to him, and reasure him, it took me a long time to accept my SO was not going to throw a fruit loop everytime crossdressing my was mentions, even though she doesn't really like or want to see me doing it. remember crossdressing is something most of us have done in secret for many years, ie hiding in shadows, everything done in secret, with fear of being found out or riddiculed. To all of a sudden been given a green light by your partner is quite a shock, and I presume it's an even bigger shock when they want to help and part take, and help you dress, if not even encourage you to do so. Some dispite CDing still have that guilt or doubt, so even that can play a part too!

Your Husband is a very lucky guy, but let him lead you, it will come right, he's probably just fearing what he has found, may just as suddenly disapear.

[Lovely Rita]

Has he suffered depression in the past? As someone else wrote he may need medical attention. Not being a psychologist any advice on this matter could be totally off base.

[MyGirl&Me GG]

Thanks for all your support. I feel confident that we will work things out.

Do the feelings come & go for others? He says that they do for him. By that, I mean... the desire to dress??

Thanks again!

[Casey Morgan]

Yes, the desire can come and go. In fact, from time to time you'll find someone saying that they haven't had the desire to dress in a while and they wonder what's up with that. And just recently someone said they haven't felt like dressing in a few weeks so they're taking this time to quit, and they're hoping it's for good. That's all part of the life of a crossdresser.

[MyGirl&Me GG]

You know, that makes sense. I didn't think of it that way.. I just thought it was his way of saying back off.
M

[TxKimberly]

As an example, I myself have had little or no interest in dressing for the last two years until about 4 months ago when if came back with a vengeance!
It is VERY normal to have the desire come and go and it often IS accompanied by other feelings like depression, or maybe embarrassment.
Kim


Thanks for all your support. I feel confident that we will work things out.

Do the feelings come & go for others? He says that they do for him. By that, I mean... the desire to dress??

Thanks again!